Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of men
June 14th, 2012
08:46 AM ET

Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of men

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.

If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about “The Rules” and stop worrying that “He’s just not that into you.”

That was then, this is now - it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many.

In other words? Stop searching for Mr. Right and look around at all the Mr Right(s).

That’s the premise of "The Gaggle," a new book from Jessica Massa, who, along with Rebecca Wiegand, runs the website “WTF Is Up With My Love Life?!

According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman - single or not - should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life.

“You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” explains Massa. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.”

The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus.

“As a woman, having a gaggle provides you with a love life full of possibility: you have many men in your life, in many ambiguous but enriching ways, who are all teaching you about yourself and your needs and desires and leading you closer to the guy and relationship you want,” say Massa and Wiegand.

Terri Trespicio, a New York-based dating and relationship coach who is single herself, exuberantly extols the “uncoupled state” and takes things a step further: If you’re happily single but enjoy dating, she recommends seeing three different men regularly.

“When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.”

Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs - maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third - which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots.

“This can also help you worry less about whether or not someone is your ‘match’,” says Trespicio, “and shifts your focus to the sheer joy of connecting with other people.”

Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates - and practice safe sex - there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person.

Just as different people can serve different roles outside of bed, so too, can they satisfy different needs between the sheets. In their groundbreaking book, "The Ethical Slut," Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy describe the ways in which single women (and men) can juggle multiple sexual partners and enjoy intimacy safely and “ethically."

Marriage is wonderful for many, but it’s not the right choice for everyone. Whether you’re sexually intimate with more than one person or simply enjoying a variety of friendships and dates, one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number.

Say Massa and Wiegand: “We are living in a post-dating world because traditional dating is no longer the most common path that people are following to romantically connect and fall in love. And the more that women judge themselves and their relationships by traditional dating standards that no longer exist, the more they are going to feel an unnecessary despair and confusion and hold themselves back from finding love in this new romantic landscape.”

So go forth and gaggle!

soundoff (1,429 Responses)
  1. CW

    This article is repugnant. I hope both men and women like this spread AIDS around to eachother and die and leave the rest of us good people alone.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:20 | Report abuse | Reply
    • tee jones

      I appreciate the fact that you Gaggle Girls want to have a gaggle of little girls around you,and that you really just want to be men, but you just can't just grow a penis on demand. You are women, not men. So, act like it.

      June 15, 2012 at 15:28 | Report abuse |
    • Kim

      Uh, did you not read the part where SAFE sex is mentioned!!?? What an awful thing to say " I hope both men and women like this spread AIDS around to eachother and die". If YOU'RE good, I WANT to be bad!! Duh!!

      June 16, 2012 at 03:55 | Report abuse |
    • LW

      I agree, why are people always assuming that the male has no feelings? It is always about the females perspective which I find a little behind the times, if women want to have equal rights etc. etc. why are we still treating men in this manner?

      June 16, 2012 at 20:33 | Report abuse |
    • Neil Westlake

      Just another vapid article trumpeting the aggrandizement of women's already abundant sexual agency. How many guys get to have a gaggle? This is very sad.

      June 17, 2012 at 04:21 | Report abuse |
    • Doctor Reality

      LOL. Seems like a lot of insecure men are here. It's O.K., little guys, because you have no chance with any women. Meanwhile, just keep yelling at your screen and hoping bad things happen to those girls with cooties.

      Meanwhile, the rest of us will keep having fun. Join us when you grow up, junior.

      June 17, 2012 at 16:13 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Banks

      And by the way – men LOVE being in gaggles. See, I hate cuddling, but I know that Ramon, the other guy she's sleeping with does. He can take up the slack. Also, I don't have any money, but that married guy she sees on the weekend is loaded. It all works out. Men – we can finally relax. No more commitment. Women are finally are crappy as we are!

      June 18, 2012 at 10:03 | Report abuse |
    • welled

      I need a gaggle of women. I don't gaggle you inbreed. I crow.

      June 18, 2012 at 18:57 | Report abuse |
    • Ursula C.

      This information is not new. Kenya K. Stevens has for years spoken about this topic. So now a mainstream media source has brought this information in the 'spotlight'. Some of the comments are just ignorant and hurtful. There is plenty of research to show that more STD's are spread more through so called monogamist relationships. The hiding allows for carelessness. Check this website : http://www.jujumama.com

      June 18, 2012 at 19:41 | Report abuse |
    • Goodness is as godness does

      Wow, really? Wanting people to die of AIDS just shows how "good" you really are. Far more repugnant than the article!

      June 18, 2012 at 22:29 | Report abuse |
    • Dr. James Rustles

      gaggle on these nuts biotch

      June 21, 2012 at 12:28 | Report abuse |
  2. Jorge

    Has it ever occurred to the author that a man that has a wish list of desireable properties for a woman (intelligence, good health and fitness, financial solvency, character) would probably spend a lot of time cultivating them and not have much left over (or patience for that matter) for this kind of pack-after-b!tch-in-heat levity? When I decided to settle down, it was germane to me to know the qualities of my present wife of 27 years in depth, and that was her interest in me as well. Until that time, my sole interest was in my career, money, my health and fitness and the occasional careful quick fling with someone well chosen, but flocking like a fool to the whims of some prospective STD queen was really not on my list of priorities.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:23 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Doctor Reality

      That's not what your wife did. LOL

      June 17, 2012 at 16:14 | Report abuse |
  3. Jonathan

    Interesting, isn't it, that sexual conservatives promote sexual conservatism as a means for protecting against consequences that the fruits of science have capably fought and/or managed for some decades, and yet they denigrate science and try to ban research and practice.

    I think sexual conservatives, if not all conservatives, just get off on watching people suffer.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:31 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Rick Santorum

      I'm to the right of the pope on all sexual issues. This article makes me sick. I yearn for a simpler time. A time when men were men; when women were livestock; and when the majority of people believed that God put dinosaur bones in the Earth to confuse scientists.

      June 15, 2012 at 13:08 | Report abuse |
    • James

      Science isn't effective in curing a great deal of STDs. Lots of women have to have their uterus cut out from them. Science also isn't effective in managing relationships. We have some of the highest depression rates in a century. I attribute this partially to a disconnect between believes like the "gaggle of men" belief and reality.

      Go ahead and take your handful of pills everyday to keep your STDs suppressed and your depression in check. I vote for a different solution and will promote it as i see fit.

      June 15, 2012 at 17:53 | Report abuse |
    • Goodness is as godness does

      @James – really?! Where are your numbers, studies, and such regarding these "STDs" that warrant such an outcome, because I've never in my life heard of the "shrivelled up uterus now you need a hysterecomy" STD.

      @Rick – LOL!!!!

      June 18, 2012 at 22:46 | Report abuse |
    • hhhmmmmm

      @ goodness is, its called HPV/human pampiloma virus/ genitalia warts. Fun fact for you many people carry HPV, it is pretty common but only 3% of the population will ever develop outward symptoms (genitalia warts) the rest just spread it causing notable increase in the probrability of developing uteran cancer. So he is kind of right.

      June 19, 2012 at 07:00 | Report abuse |
  4. GS

    What is this guy talking about? This is why CNN has had a 50% viewership drop in the past year. How out of touch with society can you be?

    June 15, 2012 at 12:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. PC

    Some people hate this article, but I didn't think it was that bad. Good for you for writing it, and if it's not for everyone, well then it's not for everyone. Just don't hate the author because you disagree with them.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Dustin

      I think the problem is that the article sort of attempts to direct itself towards all women, when in reality this article was written strictly for women that are currently not interested in a serious or emotionally attached relationship. The article would have been perfectly fine is it was honest and stated that this was directed towards women that has no desire to be loved right now. This is for the women that are looking strictly to fool around and have young fun without working towards an actual solid relationship with someone.

      June 18, 2012 at 02:05 | Report abuse |
  6. Julian Lennon

    Yeah, I think CNN is trolling us on this one.

    June 15, 2012 at 13:31 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. theselfishparent

    Aproximatley 50% of the population are women, 50% are men. If a woman has a "gaggle" of men, she would be sharing them with other women by definition.

    June 15, 2012 at 14:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. Talaskina

    Simply put, all the negative responses to this kind of life style choice come from the individuals faith of choice. the more negative the feedback, the more insecure the individual must be in their faith. The best saying I have heard on this topic would be 'dont get mad at me for eating a doughnut because your on a diet'.

    June 15, 2012 at 14:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • James

      I'm mad at you for eating that donut, and encouraging everyone to eat that donut, because its making all of you obese. I want a healthy fit girl not a compromise.

      June 15, 2012 at 17:56 | Report abuse |
    • Doctor Reality

      Well said. Of course, this infuriates guys who can't even get into a busy schedule. Too bad, so sad.

      June 17, 2012 at 16:15 | Report abuse |
  9. travelinpants

    I dont agree with sleeping with more than 1 man at any time, PERIOD!!! If I am partial to 1 guy in particular of my male friends and he feels the same, the others might as well get in line with my girl friends on the amount of time I spend with them. I am hard wired to try to make it work with a good guy who can protect, take care of and be the kind of guy that I want to stand along side of proudly. I just love a strong, focused, handsome, sexy and competent man!

    June 15, 2012 at 14:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Bravenewworld

      Just because you are hardwired that way doesn't mean everyone is. Try being in a relationship with TWO men who are strong, focused, handsome, sexy and competent 😉 I am and it is awesome! I don't know why people are reacting so negatively to this, so what if some people want to date more then one person at a time? It really shouldn't be so threatening just because that is something YOU would choose not to do.

      June 15, 2012 at 15:31 | Report abuse |
  10. Kara

    OMG I have never seen so many married fa.gs in my life. I wonder if your wife knows about your secret life. I can't understand if you hate women so much and proceed to call them names than why don't you leave your family (which is what you were going to eventually do) and go find a nice man with a loose as.shole to marry. They are doing that you know and there no shame in that maybe shame in getting screw.ed in the as.s

    June 15, 2012 at 14:08 | Report abuse | Reply
    • john

      This f*g isn't married and isn't interested in shopping with fish. Be grateful for the overwhelming sex drive of straight men; without it they wouldn't have any use for you.

      June 17, 2012 at 23:26 | Report abuse |
  11. Shane

    Decent men. You know the men who want to commit, who have careers, are focused, and want a family. They see this kind of gaming going on. They look at the divorce statistics, measure the chances of success if they chose to commit. They see the current cultural climate, they see the Extreme Alphas (the controlling, beating type that gains alot of attraction), they see the Betas. (The ones who feel catering women will bring them success, end up in the friend zone, or an alphas leftovers).

    The above article gives a good scenario of the dating scene in regards to how it is now practiced in the western world. What this article doesn't take into consideration, is that the western world is barely 10% of the worlds population. And when compared to such numbers, the way dating is practiced in the USA or other western places, does NOT represent the rest of the world. Women from outside the USA WANT what this article describes as something practiced in the past.

    My point is that women overseas are competing with you, and competing HARD. It's not just Jobs that are leaving overseas, it's also America's decent men.

    June 15, 2012 at 16:07 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. JonFrum

    Looks like she'll be 3-Pd tonight!

    June 15, 2012 at 16:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. ImpishLisa

    "Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates – and practice safe sex – there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person."

    News break, this is called Polyamory and many folks practice it. It's nothing shocking, or new.

    June 15, 2012 at 17:12 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Audrey

      Exactly! Polyamory is engrained in the history of human beings. Maybe I should take the definition of a historical practice and make money off of it, too!

      June 17, 2012 at 03:24 | Report abuse |
  14. rpcrazy

    This was a great article, thank you for writing it. A life filled with people who care about you can be really fulfilling.

    June 15, 2012 at 17:16 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Lady

      The don't really care about you. They care about something that they can get from you. No commitment.

      June 19, 2012 at 10:40 | Report abuse |
  15. sillz

    perhaps the most disgusting article i've ever read. i'm tired of these self loathing men promoting their inequity. ian kerner is a shell of a human being, and i plead with him to castrate himself. give it to someone who needs it!!

    June 15, 2012 at 17:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. ImpishLisa

    Why do people get offended by truths. this is like the ladder theory about men, women and relationships. Google it. Ladder Theory.

    June 15, 2012 at 17:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. James

    Bad article. This is right up there with CNN editing out Jesse Ventura's interview where he promotes Gary Johnson. CNN is going the way of fox new.

    June 15, 2012 at 18:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Kate

    If this was strictly about men having a "gaggle" of women I gurantee there would not be as many negative comments but instead praise for the man that can juggle multiple women. Welcome to 2012 and good-bye stupid double standard! You always sucked.

    June 15, 2012 at 21:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • James

      If this was an article about a man juggling multiple women, their would be a CNN boycott and 10k comments from angry women. There would be 2 or 3 "high fives" from trolls feeding the fire for laughs.

      June 16, 2012 at 05:04 | Report abuse |
  19. Rachel

    Wow! Why is anyone treating this article seriously? Are there really people out there on dates, married, single, with kids, etc... who while spending time with someone they are interested in would have this article pop into their head or influence their life in ANY WAY??????? How about we stop analyzing, strategizing, and 'splaining and just agree that it is GOOD to spend time with people you enjoy being with. Talk about a non-story.

    June 15, 2012 at 22:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. morighan9

    I really don't understand why people are so upset. As long as all parties in a relationship are open and honest then they should do what makes them happy.

    June 16, 2012 at 01:48 | Report abuse | Reply
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    June 16, 2012 at 06:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Al Russell

    Things must have really changed for this to work for any length of time. I've been out of the dating scene for about 15 years, but from what I remember, most guys start expecting exclusivity after you've dated them a while. Juggling three sounds nice, but I have a very hard time believing that the men wouldn't get upset by this arrangement pretty quickly, especially if they think you're sleeping with other men. That never does over well if they really like you.

    June 16, 2012 at 09:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. fiercelyanya

    Reblogged this on fiercelyanya and commented:
    Who knew I was doing it right all along!!

    June 16, 2012 at 13:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ursula C.

      @ fiercelyanya

      Because your mind and heart are open....you have embraced the real you. It is funny that men think they are the only ones that have a sex drive. The article did not say sleep with every man in your 'gaggle'. Sex is a powerful subject and many people cannot handle the truth.

      June 19, 2012 at 10:03 | Report abuse |
    • fiercelyanya


      June 19, 2012 at 19:46 | Report abuse |
  24. Mark

    No self respecting man would be one of the three d-bags hovering over the one girl in this article's picture.

    June 16, 2012 at 14:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Matt

    Laughable. Safe sex is for the first few months when you're waiting for the incubation period from her last shag to rear a sore, wart or chancre. If I have to wear a scuba suit every time I get in the pool, I'm going to find a new past time. If you're just going to be "safe", why not find a girl in backpage and then you won't have to wonder about whether you're the cuddler, the commiserater, the hobby horse, or whatever pigeonholed stereotype a gaggle needs? At least a working girl has no agenda for you beyond providing your hour of service and not bugging you with her personal problems.

    June 17, 2012 at 15:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. Married

    At first glance, I giggled and thought about facebook linking it for sh!ts and giggles, but then I thought about it. Maybe I don't get around enough, but I don't know anyone who actually lives that kind of life. Everyone I know (and knew as a unmarried) was really looking for the *one* who fulfilled enough needs to make them happy. They may have juggled two until they decided, but I really don't recall anyone happily handling three for an extended time.

    June 18, 2012 at 06:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Nick M.

    every mans dream is to hang out with a girl who has multiple partners, yep sounds like my dream girl.
    is the author serious?

    June 18, 2012 at 08:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. Tyler Banks

    And by the way – men LOVE being in gaggles. See, I hate cuddling, but I know that Ramon, the other guy she's sleeping with does. He can take up the slack. Also, I don't have any money, but that married guy she sees on the weekend is loaded. It all works out. Men – we can finally relax. No more commitment. Women are finally are crappy as we are!

    June 18, 2012 at 10:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ursula C.

      You are not crappy ......you are being yourself....times are changing.....people want different things now....there is no blueprint for living the way YOU want. Men and women can be just friends or lovers.....it is your choice. You should not judge....look in the mirror . Some people were not meant to be married for 50 years and others are.......I'm just saying...

      June 19, 2012 at 12:41 | Report abuse |
    • sharp

      Low-quality men tolerate being in a "gaggle", yes. Enjoy slumming.

      June 20, 2012 at 17:05 | Report abuse |
  29. Nat Strafaci

    Sounds like most of my female friends and all of their female friends in the late 60,s and 70's. Reminds me of the Beach Boys Song "Fun Fun Fun".

    June 18, 2012 at 15:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Brian Burke dating coach for men

    The real question AS A MAN is how to remain dominant (attractive) with the modern women who do indeed have gaggles around them all the time

    June 18, 2012 at 19:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Brian Burke dating coach for men

    Hmm not sure how these guys above posted links back to their sites

    June 18, 2012 at 19:32 | Report abuse | Reply
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    does this work? brian burke dating coach for men

    June 18, 2012 at 19:33 | Report abuse | Reply
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      June 19, 2012 at 10:06 | Report abuse |
  33. really

    CW – nice. Idiot

    June 19, 2012 at 10:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Drew

    So a woman is in a gaggle with 3 men, and all 3 men are in a gaggle with 3 other women, and so on. GROSS. This is wierd .. I can honestly say I've never met a man or woman who wants to be part of this, other than someone who doesn't want any sort of commitment, or relationship that is worth a dang ... I wonder how many here who say this is ok are actually really open and homst about this. I've done something like this where i juggled 3 woman, and I called it cheating ... No one really wants this. What a Bull Crap Article.

    June 19, 2012 at 12:26 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ursula C.

      you obviously do not know how to read it did not say sleep with 3 people is said it takes a villiage. It is not about cheating it is about having different people in your life for different things. A friend to see a movie with, a friend to eat dinner with, etc. Everything is not about sex and if you want to have multiple partners practice safely and be honest. You have to wonder why so many people cheat.....they are not being honest with themselves. Maybe they do not want the traditional relationship. I mean seriously it is not working for some if the the divorce rate is 55% or so. I'm just saying....

      June 19, 2012 at 12:37 | Report abuse |
    • Drew

      How many woman actually do this, and are not having sex with the movie date, or the dinner date, or the Mr Fix It date ... How many guys in this same scenario would not be sleeping with the woman ... This article seems more about sex than you think .. The Cuddler, the guy/girl who is best in bed ... How about the one who is best at going down on you ... It sure sounds like a villaige.

      June 19, 2012 at 13:05 | Report abuse |
  35. Donny

    Let's just keep subsidizing the ever-increasing narcissism of the "modern woman".

    June 19, 2012 at 15:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Gomez Munoz

    Hey how about if a guy wants more women than one...let's be fair here. Equal rights means that it should be perfectly fine for a guy to have a "gaggle" of women... Look up the word "Polyamory"...

    June 19, 2012 at 16:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. Socialkenny

    Where in the world do this idiot Chateau Heartiste get the idea from that he'd composed this article?

    Such a fraud.

    June 20, 2012 at 16:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Hind Brain

    Though some people haven't noticed yet, men and women are different. Women's hypergamous instincts drive women to pursue relationships with "alpha" males. Unfortunately, unlike Lake Wobegon, not all the average girls can land an above average husband - it's mathematically impossible. But they can have him for a night or a fling. Study after study has shown that having multiple partners in their past is far more damaging to women's ability to form permanent pair-bonds than it is to a man. Those memories of the time they bedded the quarterback or the rock star weigh leave lasting doubts in a woman's mind as to whether the guy she finally got to commit was "the best she could do". So Gaggle On, ladies! But know that if you marry as a virgin there's an 80% chance you'll be married for life... but put as few as four notches in your belt and there's an 80% chance you'll be a divorcee within 10 years of marrying.

    June 20, 2012 at 17:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. ThatNorwegianGuy

    @Socialkenny Roissy was quite obviously satirizing this article by switching the genders around. He never seriously asserted that he "composed" this article. Last time I checked, satirizing an article does not automatically make one a "fraud".

    June 20, 2012 at 18:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Jason

    This article is pathetic.

    June 20, 2012 at 18:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. Nick Steves

    Three holes, three guys. It makes sense on some level.

    June 20, 2012 at 18:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. Playa

    Got three hos in rotation. And another three. Sweet.

    June 21, 2012 at 01:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. what the fk is this sht?

    must be joking right? strong logic in this article? practically tells women to screw around with every male they meet/meat and try to pretend that it's ok by justifying it according to your own views or whenever you feel like making up for your insecurities....garbage.

    June 21, 2012 at 11:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Dr. James Rustles

    Gaggle on my nuts biotch

    June 21, 2012 at 12:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Myron Gaines

      Lol, strong name. Sloots gonna sloot.

      June 21, 2012 at 12:33 | Report abuse |
  45. Professor Russel Maijimmies

    Gaggle on dem nutz, bish.

    June 21, 2012 at 12:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Myron D. Gaines

    As long as I get a nice tug job from these bishes, they can have as many partners as they want.

    June 21, 2012 at 12:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. Scyther

    hey Ian keller. Gaggle on these nutz.

    June 21, 2012 at 12:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. OP

    sloots gon sloot

    mad your father was part of your mothers gaggle when I met her? Yeah you mad. Have some shoes for your troubles.

    June 21, 2012 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Kenny Powers

    So basically "gaggle" is the new word for bukkake gang bang, then?

    June 21, 2012 at 12:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. CamelJockey

    gaggles gonna gaggle

    June 21, 2012 at 12:54 | Report abuse | Reply
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