Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of men
June 14th, 2012
08:46 AM ET

Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of men

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.

If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about “The Rules” and stop worrying that “He’s just not that into you.”

That was then, this is now - it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many.

In other words? Stop searching for Mr. Right and look around at all the Mr Right(s).

That’s the premise of "The Gaggle," a new book from Jessica Massa, who, along with Rebecca Wiegand, runs the website “WTF Is Up With My Love Life?!

According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman - single or not - should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life.

“You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” explains Massa. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.”

The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus.

“As a woman, having a gaggle provides you with a love life full of possibility: you have many men in your life, in many ambiguous but enriching ways, who are all teaching you about yourself and your needs and desires and leading you closer to the guy and relationship you want,” say Massa and Wiegand.

Terri Trespicio, a New York-based dating and relationship coach who is single herself, exuberantly extols the “uncoupled state” and takes things a step further: If you’re happily single but enjoy dating, she recommends seeing three different men regularly.

“When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.”

Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs - maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third - which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots.

“This can also help you worry less about whether or not someone is your ‘match’,” says Trespicio, “and shifts your focus to the sheer joy of connecting with other people.”

Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates - and practice safe sex - there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person.

Just as different people can serve different roles outside of bed, so too, can they satisfy different needs between the sheets. In their groundbreaking book, "The Ethical Slut," Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy describe the ways in which single women (and men) can juggle multiple sexual partners and enjoy intimacy safely and “ethically."

Marriage is wonderful for many, but it’s not the right choice for everyone. Whether you’re sexually intimate with more than one person or simply enjoying a variety of friendships and dates, one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number.

Say Massa and Wiegand: “We are living in a post-dating world because traditional dating is no longer the most common path that people are following to romantically connect and fall in love. And the more that women judge themselves and their relationships by traditional dating standards that no longer exist, the more they are going to feel an unnecessary despair and confusion and hold themselves back from finding love in this new romantic landscape.”

So go forth and gaggle!

soundoff (1,429 Responses)
  1. billybob

    Sounds like she is scraping the bottom of the barrel. How lame is it that you need multiple guys to fill different roles, maybe you should search harder instead of settling for below average. Don't forget your penicillin shots!

    June 14, 2012 at 18:46 | Report abuse | Reply
    • James

      Sound right to me. No self respecting man is going to stay in a longer term relationship with a girl like this. The minute a more dedicated attractive girl comes along, your gaggle with disappear.

      Have fun living the second half of your life as a crazy cat lady.

      June 15, 2012 at 00:42 | Report abuse |
    • Paul Murray

      The clue that a girl is like this is flakiness. If she flakes on you – cancels things with no warning or reason – then you are just one of her gaggle, and your place in that gaggle is "third or fourth pick".

      June 15, 2012 at 01:49 | Report abuse |
    • nhman

      Sounds like it takes the "heat" of us guys to fill ALL needs; I'm for it. In fact, it's the same thing that men have been doing for generations!

      June 15, 2012 at 06:50 | Report abuse |
    • shammus

      a committed guy that is looking for a long term relationship is going to take a look at the yowling swirl of chaos surrounding the person that heeds this advice and just head the other way.

      this is the most idiotic advice that ive ever read on CNN

      June 15, 2012 at 09:23 | Report abuse |
    • jake1969

      James, too funny! And true in many cases.

      June 15, 2012 at 09:41 | Report abuse |
    • Merriam-Webster

      The word "gaggle" in fact has the following meaning:

      gaggle – the sound a woman makes as she chokes on the ejaculate of three or more men; see also bukkake

      June 15, 2012 at 10:37 | Report abuse |
  2. jerry

    Same goes for the men!! I love woman's lib. How great is this? Guys we can have sex and never have to commit!!! Please send this article to as many woman as possible.

    June 14, 2012 at 19:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • N

      Actually when men do this exact thing, they're jerks. Just another day in a misandric society. But the free sex is good.

      June 14, 2012 at 23:18 | Report abuse |
  3. Wes

    How great is this? Gay marriage is accepted, straight people have said screw relationships just have sex. How long till child molestation is accepted? Maybe Sandusky lead the charge. Then murder we need to make murder accepted because I can think of three people I want to kill right now!, Casey Anthony can lead that charge. Put it on TV we'll eventually accept anything. Life is great!

    June 14, 2012 at 19:13 | Report abuse | Reply
    • mrphy42

      So... consenting adults making a choice is the same thing as taking someone against their will and commiting harm to that person? A bit of a leap with no real connection, don't you think?

      June 14, 2012 at 20:14 | Report abuse |
    • mike

      you're just plain stupid

      June 14, 2012 at 20:32 | Report abuse |
    • Franklin Veaux

      It's interesting to me how whenever people talk about consensual adult choices like gay marriage or non-monogamy, someone always brings up child molesting.

      If you honestly can not see the difference between what consenting adults do with each other and child molestation or murder, remind me never, ever, ever to leave my children anywhere near you.

      June 15, 2012 at 03:25 | Report abuse |
    • nhman

      Sounds like child molestation is right at the top of your "to do" list and you're trying to rationalize going for it! What a moron!!

      June 15, 2012 at 06:53 | Report abuse |
  4. iameyouareyou

    This stupid theory is just another way to further alienate men of ALL types. Instead of focusing on finding a man you really want to have a meaningful realationship with, these bimbos are telling women just give up and USE each man for certain traits. This is why women have gaggles. They always want to out-do each other. One is better at shopping (this is a talent?) one is professional, etc. Most people (men and women) have good and no-so-good traits, but have alot to offer other people in all sorts of relationships. What stupid women. MEN – steer clear of these women at all costs.

    June 14, 2012 at 19:16 | Report abuse | Reply
    • samtamlin

      Dude, women in the dating scene have been doing this forever. The author is just detailing an open secret. The rule is this: "Having access to 3 wallets is better than opening my purse." This isn't dating; this is just TAKING time/money from someone who is opening their heart. I say "bring it on." We'll replace them in our lives with with technology. It'll be like buying any other home appliance.

      June 15, 2012 at 11:09 | Report abuse |
  5. Charlie

    What this *really* amounts to is women, in love with themselves, who need constant male attention from many sources. By pandering to many, they never have to commit to anyone, only feed their narcissism by d*** teasing all the poor slobs who settle for crumbs ! This is simply their failure to be able to love. Just that. And this is something to glorify as a neo solution to their inability to truly relate ? How awful and also how true of modern USA women today. Men, just go on the dating sites if you don't believe me ! 90% of them DO NOT want a real relationship. They want gratuitous ego boosting and could give a f*** less about you or anyone else, even the "hot guys". This has become the norm in this culture-less society. God help our kids !

    June 14, 2012 at 19:22 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Dan

      Right you are.

      These sorts of women need to get over their narcussism.

      Frankly, I would respect them more if they just wanted anonymous sex. The need of constant attention from men is pathetic.

      June 14, 2012 at 20:00 | Report abuse |
    • Mahna Mahna

      As a woman, I call that man-rape.

      June 14, 2012 at 21:51 | Report abuse |
    • Ursula C.

      Confident people do not need ego boosting. I make my own money. I am tired of teaching men how to please me....a lot of you suck in the bed...I could go on but I am sure you get the picture. I am tired of the find a good man and have a relationship....why? Who says I have to?.....More STD's are spread through monogamist relationships because of the cheating and careless behavior. Be honest ....say I do not want a commited relationship. SMH

      June 19, 2012 at 12:49 | Report abuse |
  6. Brad

    I have a female "friend" who I know has other partners, and I am totally fine with this. The other parnters are also aware of the existance of others. The relationship we have is very no pressure and therefore comfortable, she tells me when she is "not available" (i.e. particular weekends or evenings) and i know I may also do as I wish. Honeslty people, if the guys have been doing this for years what is wrong with the women doing it but being upfront and honest about it as well as providing the expectations about each other and the relationshi? Because of the honesty this is the best relationship I have had in along time..

    June 14, 2012 at 19:24 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Justme

      Just because men have been living like horndogs doesn't mean it is now okay for women to do the same. That lifestyle is one of the stepping stones to a disintegrated society. Just ask the Romans...oh wait, you can't, they don't exist anymore because their society completely collapsed due to the collapse of the family. If you don't believe it, go do a little research.

      June 14, 2012 at 21:38 | Report abuse |
    • jake1969

      Plus, the notion that all guys do this is simply not accurate. To anyone saying this, I challenge you to jot down all the guys you know and then ID which ones do and don't. Depending on your circle, maybe most do. But I bet 90% of you will go "well, actually, it is only those few guys...most actually don't." That's also backed by massive sex surveys that show that while men do average a couple more sex partners in life, both men and women in the overall population really do have few partners in life and very few of us are true "players."

      June 15, 2012 at 09:46 | Report abuse |
    • Ursula C.

      Well said @Brad. Your mind is open. The traditional relationship is changing.

      June 19, 2012 at 12:52 | Report abuse |
  7. t-bird

    Women who do this will eventually end up with: A. 1 or more unwanted kids & no support from a father she cannot name; B. Permanent damage or death from STD's; C. Dead from the man she didn't know would be so jealous of her "gaggle"; or E. Raped by the man who she thought she was o.k. denying sex, but who didn't perceive the relationship as being there 'cause he was only a shoulder to cry on.

    June 14, 2012 at 19:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SMB

      you can´t even spell... and you are actually trying to justify rape and all that? plus, i don´t know if you know this, but there are ways to prevent bothe STDs and pregnancy.

      June 15, 2012 at 08:11 | Report abuse |
    • jake1969

      Off base again SMB. Boy are your insecurites really showing through in your responses. He isn't justifying rape, he's saying it's a true risk in these situations...ie, why he thinks it's a BAD idea.

      SMB, it's OK if you like to hop in the sack with mulitple partners. To each's own. But, we also have the right to express our opinion that it's a tricky and dangerous path to happiness...

      June 15, 2012 at 09:48 | Report abuse |
    • SMB

      now here it´s you who are offbase now, i found the guy who i thought didn´t exist, and i´m getting married in 3 months. I didn´t sleep around, actually i´ve only had long lasting monogamic relationships and to the best of my knowledge they didn´t cheat on me. But still i think that as long as the truth is on the table everybody should have the choice to sleep with whomever they want. And whether you want to acknowledge it or not women always have men around who play different roles in her life, and they are totally necessary. If a woman is forbidden to speak to any other man other than her husband sooner or later she will suffer.

      June 15, 2012 at 10:19 | Report abuse |
    • Ursula C.

      Really.....the whole point is to be honest in the first place. If the women is honest that eliminates most of your list. If she uses protection that gets rid of the rest. Wow you have a low opinion of women. I have friends that are men that are not sex partners. I even get along with wifes and girlfrients. It is about who YOU are. Honesty is the key.....but a lot of people do not know how to be honest or they say they want honesty but they really do not.

      June 19, 2012 at 12:56 | Report abuse |
  8. plout

    what's with the albino in the back?

    June 14, 2012 at 19:43 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Tom

      Diversity photo.

      June 14, 2012 at 23:36 | Report abuse |
    • Just Browsing

      Thanks for the laugh so early in the day!

      June 15, 2012 at 07:22 | Report abuse |
  9. Dan

    The author makes women sound like they are weak and pahtetic. Get over your excessive emotional needs and be a responsible adult.

    There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people as long as everything is above board. Having said that, I think there is a double standard here. If one of the women the author described started sleeping with a guy, before a discussion of exclusivity, and she found that said fellow was sleeping with other girls, the author would lambaste him as a jerk. But with women, they are just getting their emotional needs met. And we all know how important women's emotional needs are!

    Here are some tips:

    have your own money
    take care of your own emotions

    These are things that adults do. If you have excessive emotional needs, get a shrink.

    June 14, 2012 at 19:58 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Dr. Jantzen

      Dan's right on. I'm a shrink, and I see people with excessive emotional problems as you put it. We all have needs, and I love my clients. That being said...

      June 14, 2012 at 20:45 | Report abuse |
    • SMB

      as opposed to you, who is NOT making women sound stupid and weak?

      June 15, 2012 at 08:24 | Report abuse |
    • samtamlin

      SMB, it seems you are not open to accepting other points of view. You just like to keep an argument going (or create one unneccesarily). It's called "right" thinking. (finding a way to make yourself right at the expense of another who must then be wrong.) It is poison to any interaction/relationship.

      Search your heart. You know this to be true.

      June 15, 2012 at 11:18 | Report abuse |
  10. Harry Kuheim

    This might work in a crappy unrealistic made for TV movie/mini series but is about as realistic as an second term for Obama.

    June 14, 2012 at 20:32 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. Tom Williams

    It is a "stupid of men", not a "gaggle"

    June 14, 2012 at 21:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Matthew Young

    wow women are so pathetic these days.

    June 14, 2012 at 21:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Liz

      Women are so pathetic these days? Uh....seriously? The male head of household has had a tremendously unfortunate transformation over the past few decades....theyre struggling. Just a few manage to keep the image of ...strength ...afloat.

      June 14, 2012 at 22:06 | Report abuse |
  13. Keith

    She is just a life support system for a pu ss y

    June 14, 2012 at 21:58 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. Liz

    I find it funny the majority of posts are from men. But I think A. Who cares and B. don't men have the bad rapp for playing women, or not committing, or wanting to have their cake and eat it too? We're not discussing men and/or women who are seeking committed monogamous relationships you morons. We're talking about a choice to date with no strings attached, albeit in an untraditional way. Dating may not even be the right word for this, for the right people and the right situations, it's all good!

    June 14, 2012 at 22:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • N

      Liz, it's because when men do it, society calls them awful. But when women do it, it's somehow liberated. And then when those same women want to settle down and men don't want them, we once again call said men awful. The pattern is nauseatingly hypocritical.

      June 14, 2012 at 23:28 | Report abuse |
  15. ds

    Sounds nice! But did we really need a book to tell us that?

    June 14, 2012 at 22:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. DEE

    This premise of this article works if the men of a women's gaggle only adore her. Unfortunately, men have their own gaggles so the first time the women finds out one of her flock is unavailable because he is "on a date." then he is a womanizer, a pig, etc. Men are better at this game.

    June 14, 2012 at 22:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Vallin

    Other than "harem" (or "seraglio", for I am an opera singer), what is the term a man would use for his "gaggle" of women friends? Any good sites/forums/reosurces on gaggle-mamagement?

    June 14, 2012 at 23:05 | Report abuse | Reply
    • jd


      June 15, 2012 at 11:08 | Report abuse |
    • jd

      team, as in "i want her on my team"

      June 15, 2012 at 11:09 | Report abuse |
    • Ursula C.


      June 19, 2012 at 13:00 | Report abuse |
  18. David

    Condoms don't protect you from herpes...

    June 14, 2012 at 23:14 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ursula C.

      Chicken pox are in the herpes family....so are fever blisters......most people have it anyway.......if used correctly condoms protect you.

      June 19, 2012 at 13:02 | Report abuse |
  19. Ted Striker

    Wow, what a dumb book. Men are not here to serve females in some functional roles as you see fit to classify them. It's pretty obvious when you meet a shallow woman like this who just wants to keep you around in a "role." These types of women will find themselves friendless or stuck with dudes that are weak-minded and only hang out with them becauase they might be attractive. And no self-respecting dude is going to hang around to be some woman's cuddle bish.

    June 14, 2012 at 23:25 | Report abuse | Reply
    • samtamlin

      Not true. Women who operate this way do just fine. It's not like they wear a sign on their forehead.

      June 15, 2012 at 11:22 | Report abuse |
  20. jerems

    I am done with women. I'm 30 years old and have been in relationships with these types of women. I don't like the way women are now a days. I'll just live alone forever and spend time with my pets, and family. No women needed! No wonder I treated my 1st girlfriend mean. She also had a gaggle of men. Makes me absolutely sick to my stomach.

    June 14, 2012 at 23:38 | Report abuse | Reply
    • fortheloveofgandhi

      Excellent idea. Women are rejecting you and it sounds like they have valid reasons. If you don't have the maturity to be in a healthy, non-abusive relationship, you should stop dating and leave women alone. Permanently.

      June 15, 2012 at 00:53 | Report abuse |
    • Paul Murray

      "Women are rejecting you and it sounds like they have valid reasons"

      Ahh, shaming language! Gotta love it.

      June 15, 2012 at 01:46 | Report abuse |
    • Franklin Veaux

      So let me get this straight. You say that you treated your first girlfriend poorly, but she deserved it and you're the real victim here?

      ...wow. Just...wow.

      June 15, 2012 at 03:30 | Report abuse |
    • samtamlin

      He said that she was his girlfriend. And then he said she had a gaggle of men. This means his girlfriend was cheating on him. Are you really that dense. Wow, Frank ... wow.

      June 15, 2012 at 11:28 | Report abuse |
  21. terminicia

    Mr. Kerner fails to recognize the biological aspect of emotion with regards to sexual intercourse. Whether we like it or not, we develop a biological connection with the people we have sex with. The effect of this connection on our decision making is imperceptible in many cases. Biologically, men are LESS susceptible to these connections than women, and therefore are much better at this game. That being said, having multiple sexual partners can have a disastrous effect on one's ability to choose the right companion–regardless of gender. It's a wicked, dangerous game indeed.

    June 14, 2012 at 23:46 | Report abuse | Reply
    • D

      I agree with this. How do you decide which is the most important criteria for (ever) narrowing down to one person? Continually juggling a lot of relationships sounds tiring.

      June 15, 2012 at 00:33 | Report abuse |
  22. RiverBoatQueen

    I think that it's best to be intimate with one man exclusively at any one time. To be sexually intimate with more than one man places everyone at risk for STDs. I think that a woman is capable of loving more than one man at a time, but I don't agree that she should actually be LOVING more than one man at a time.
    Call me old-fashioned, but in actuality – it's the safest way to live your life.

    June 15, 2012 at 00:25 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Franklin Veaux

      "To be sexually intimate with more than one man places everyone at risk for STDs."

      No, to be sexually intimate without responsible disclosure, STD testing, and open communication about sexual history is what places everyone at risk for STDs.

      If you are considerate, you exchange test results, and you discuss sexual boundaries and sexual history without shame, you can have a thousand lovers and you won't be at risk of STDs. If you treat sex like it's something shameful, you are too afraid or too ashamed to get tested before you have sex, then you're at risk.

      Have you ever wondered why the ultra-conservative, abstinence-only south has higher per capita rates of STDs than places that are more sexually open?

      June 15, 2012 at 03:33 | Report abuse |
    • kake79

      I have to side with RiverBoatQueen on this one. If you have three guys and those guys have three girls and those girls have three guys... it goes on ad infinitum; then how can you possibly be certain that no one has come into contact with someone with an STD? We're not talking about adstinence until marriage here. We're talking about serial monogamy. It's not all or nothing.

      June 15, 2012 at 10:40 | Report abuse |
  23. James

    I recently dated a woman who was all about the free sex etc. I didn't sleep with her and told her she wasn't right for me. She was really upset that I would "judge her". Don't be this woman.

    June 15, 2012 at 00:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. ry

    She sounds like a floozy.

    June 15, 2012 at 01:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Paul Murray

    Every woman needs a gaggle of men? Ok. And every man needs to be aware of what role in a woman's gaggle she had slotted him into. If it's a role that he isn't interested in filling, then he should simply move on. Renegotiating for a better part is almost always pointless – she sees you as nothing more than a replaceable actor in the self-centred soap-opera that is her life.

    June 15, 2012 at 01:43 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Paul Murray

      I wonder if the book mentioned that to gave a gaggle, it helps to be young an attractive?

      June 15, 2012 at 01:51 | Report abuse |
  26. Brad

    The person who wrote the article appears to be only talking about her own desires and projecting them on to all women. I'm not attracted to extroverted women who need a lot of relationships. I'm an introvert myself who prefers the company of other introverts. I'm not needy for a lot of relationships myself and I don't find that quality attractive at all. I understand that probably there are more extroverts than introverts in the world, but the author's needs are not the same as all women's needs.

    June 15, 2012 at 01:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. John

    She sounds like she has "Histrionic Personality Disorder."

    June 15, 2012 at 02:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. Really

    It's always funny how people LASH OUT at adults who want to play the field. Yet, the very people that LASH OUT, are the ones crying about how the divorce rate is so high! Adults who consent to spending time together, are allowed. So many people here act like every person has to get married and pop out a bunch of kids! Let them have fun, an as long as they are being safe about it, SHUT UP AND BUTT OUT!

    June 15, 2012 at 02:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Reality

      It is very important to let people know the reality of their behavior. Most men do not have a gaggle of women they sleep with. Many men do not find promiscuous women attractive and will disqualify such mates. Many men think women should disqualify promiscuous men and are a bit appalled that they don't.

      Reminding women of our cultural standards, which we believe promotes a happier healthier social group, helps women make informed choices. Those who share our values are greatly appreciated and we'll be more likely to share our life with them.

      June 15, 2012 at 05:14 | Report abuse |
  29. Sylvie

    Now I need to find a GAGGLE of men?? I can't find ONE to date! The pressure!

    June 15, 2012 at 03:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Tom

    I am shocked! This woman is promoting promiscuity and the eventual destruction of the family unit. Is this what feminism has taught us. I dream of finding a woman and enriching my life in a traditional marriage with a stable family unit. My grandparents were married for 37 years, that's love! From what I remember he never cheated on her, nor her on him. They married for love and raised 4 decades of children and grandchildren, that is what women should aspire to. If you want to casually date fine, but tell me so, because the minute I find out I'm guy #3 I'm out of there because I don't have all you want to be #1 in your life. This article made me sick.

    June 15, 2012 at 03:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Tom

    I had to read the article twice. Now i get it. Man #1 is kind, gentle, funny, but he is poor. Man #2 is tall, dark,handsome but bad in bed. Man #3 is bad boy who rocks my world with his big rod but he has other women. What do I choose and why is my love life so bad is the motto of this article.

    June 15, 2012 at 03:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. machel samora

    the author has seen what has been happening and has written a book on it,nevertheless this article is negative in the essence that it makes us men always paranoid about our women,this give us more reason to go out there and fullfill our other needs.I love my woman and i cant do that to her,if she thinks its okay let her try.life is all but lessons but whats good in just good

    June 15, 2012 at 04:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. artstradamagazine

    One to one is called communication.... One to one is key to empathy.. .. yes, human reality and existence is One to many..... this is one of those poorly written books that tries to tell the story from the perspective of the coffee stain on the leather couch...

    June 15, 2012 at 04:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. tiffer72

    Holy cow! "One guy to cuddle with?" It's like this lady WANTS women to be sexually assaulted, dumped on, or generally hated. Try telling a guy he's just your cuddle buddy after you've been leading him on for weeks. No wonder the world is so dang screwed up these days.

    Ladies – Ignore this junk. Do what is right for you, and quit making these idiots rich!

    June 15, 2012 at 04:49 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SMB

      so what your´re saying is that if a man cuddles with a woman for some period of time and she doesn´t allow sex then IN comes rape and she had it coming? are you really defending that position? f... that, it is because of men like you that women should think more about what they need instead of always putting men first. Your argument is so wrong that you don´t deserve a relationship.

      June 15, 2012 at 09:13 | Report abuse |
    • JaDE

      SMB the "cuddle man" spoken of in this article either doesnt exist, or if he does is a rapist. Hope that clears things up. Stop making moronic comments in this article you feminist warper of fragile minds.

      July 9, 2012 at 23:52 | Report abuse |
  35. Keg

    Stupid, fluff articles to fill slots. If any woman out there wanted to live like this, she would already be doing it. There may be some out there already like this, because that's what they feel and want. People are motivated by their desires and emotions and nobody needs an article to tell them what their desires are. No woman is reading this article going, "oh really, I can do that?" The reason most women aren't living like this is because we aren't wired like that.

    June 15, 2012 at 05:31 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Nancy

    The only problem here is the "willful" lack of TRUTHFUL communication on both parties part. (ie. lies) I know girls who will simply play this game until they get caught. I find the behavior horrible. If you're comfortable in the singles scene and tell the men you are with that you are dating/sleeping with other men and they accept it then fine. It's when you ladies LIE that gives us decent women a bad rap. I believe it's because deep inside you know once the men find out they will dump your sIuty rear. However some older and more mature men will go along with it. To have the article read "cuddle buddy" is just friggin ridiculous. Men love sex, they hate cuddling. lol

    June 15, 2012 at 05:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. Gabe

    So we tell men that they need to put the Xbox away, "Man-Up" and get married while we tell women to get gaggles of men and pretty much do whatever they want? What BS...no wonder less and less men are either not getting married or seeking foreign women.

    June 15, 2012 at 06:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Laureth

    Women need a gaggle of men? Really? I though that's what our girlfriends were for. What roles do these gaggle men fit? One for venting, one for cuddling, one for going to the movies, one for sex? I have one man for that and I've had him for almost 24 years(22 years as my hubby). When you find the right one, you don't need a "gaggle".

    June 15, 2012 at 07:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. Abby

    Don't. worry men. This is stupid and we know it. We will not treat you this way. A few losers will think this is cool. The rest of us want one man to love and to be loved by. Don't get off track. This is just someone looking to be an author and make money with attention getting techniques. Much like the people she writes about.

    June 15, 2012 at 07:21 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SMB

      are you really so desperate to have masculine attention that you feel the need to calm them and tell them that you will do what they don´t?

      June 15, 2012 at 09:16 | Report abuse |
    • jake1969

      SMB, you actually sound like the insecure one. Abby makes a simple point and your reaction is a bit off target and smacks of a girl who has lots of guys and is offended and insecure over Abby's point. And, BTW, your notion that us guys don't act that way is not accurate at all. For every "player" dude who has gaggles of women, there's another 5 of us dudes who don't, and in fact do approach relationships with respect. The players just get the attention and gossip so they stand out more. They are not the norm if you actually pay attention to the broader population of guys.

      June 15, 2012 at 09:37 | Report abuse |
    • SMB

      I hope you are right, Jake.

      June 15, 2012 at 09:46 | Report abuse |
    • kake79

      I'm with Abby. Though, in some way I do have a gaggle but NOT in the way described in the article. I have a couple of guys that are like brothers to me (I have none of my own). We are in no way romantically interested in each other but we care for each other and watch out for each other. I have a "work husband". Again, no romantic interest, we just enjoy talking and do lunch once a week. And I have guys that are just plain ol' friends and we like going to a concert or the movies or what have you but, again, no romantic interest. And, in all of these cases, I know the women in there life (if there are any) and respect them and it is important to me that they are secure and comfortable with me as a woman in their man's life.

      June 15, 2012 at 10:49 | Report abuse |
  40. KitKa10

    Okay these responses completely and totally irk me to no end. If a woman wants to date for a while rather than immediately settle in for a relationship then that's her perogative and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with it. When/if she finally finds herself dating some one that she really connects with then all the dating around will stop. But I see absolutely no reason as to why anyone, man or woman, should be disrespected and degraded the way people on here are doing because of this article, just because they're not quite ready to be in a commited relationship. Holy crap people....just cause you fall head over heals with every single person you go out on a first date with, doesn't mean everyone does....

    June 15, 2012 at 08:20 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Stan

      This article is not about going on dates with multiple men. There's nothing wrong with that. It's about using men as commodities to fulfill specific needs in princess's life. It takes the disposability mentality and applies it to human beings.

      June 15, 2012 at 08:42 | Report abuse |
    • SMB

      You are totally right, and the person who replies to you before doesn´t really understand that since the beginning of time it has been the case, women have different masculine figures in her life whether she knows it or not, and the ones who don´t are quite miserable and enslaved.

      June 15, 2012 at 09:19 | Report abuse |
  41. Doro

    Who ever said finding a good match for you was ever easy? Sure as a woman getting attention from multiple men is great, but lets be real here. Is this really about being happy? If a woman needs to rotate between men, then perhaps she isn't willing to work for a more meaningful relationship. Everyone has their quirks, and if one just moves on to the next person without understanding if they can live with it, and learn to love it, then that person will constantly run themselves into an unhappy cycle. Comitting to a permanent relationship is not for everyone, but people should respect the fact that that is what most people want and are willing to work for.

    June 15, 2012 at 09:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. jake1969

    Sorry, but one size fits all approaches just won't work for everyone. This recommended "gaggle" approach would be a disaster for some women. For one, as other commentors have said, a lot of very decent guys never ask out the girls who have gaggles of guys. They just don't. Call it insecurity on the part of the guy all you want, it's the simple reality. Most of us decent dudes put girls who always have lots of guy friends into the "no chance of commitment" or "just too much headache" catergories. It's actually quite annoying dating a girl who always has guys around and calling her when you're out with them. So, if you're a girl using the gaggle approach, I would simply recommend that if you come across a guy you really like...be very careful and you may find you need to ditch the 'gaggle', and early on too...

    Also, re: the advice to have sex with several of them if you're not that in to any one of them...as many of us guys and girls have found, switching from multiple partners to monogamy once you find the "right" one is much easier said than done. I personally don't think that's good advice at all, for many reasons.

    However, I'm a "live and let live" type. This may well work for some individuals. But as a book on general advice to all women, proceed with caution..

    June 15, 2012 at 09:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Michelle Welton

    Wow. Just WOW. This is the most irresponsible article/book in recent memory. As a social psychologist, I could spend the next 2 days deconstructing the validity of this premise. There is no research to back this up, and in fact all the research points in the opposite direction. Several people touched on the truth here – women and men are different in their approach to the opposite sex. Having said that, generally speaking both women and men WANT a monogamous loving relationship. Whether its "the right time to find a committed relationship" doesn't mean either men or women should use other people. This book/article are extolling promiscuity and calling it "liberation". Its nothing of the kind. Every single choice we make in our lives (when were young or old) influences our future and our character. Be the person you want to eventually want in your life – create a character in yourself of the kind of person you would want to be with – and you'll find Mr. Right. Otherwise, all you'll have is Mr. Right Now.... over and over again. Using men like this is akin to spending all your money on things that don't last. Think of relationships like saving money. Spend it wisely.....

    June 15, 2012 at 09:43 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jonathan

      This is a perfect application of Liebig's Law of the Minimum. The only reason relationships are in any way a limited resource is because of artificial limits that monogamy places on it. Once you let go of convention, the next limiting factor is how much time you feel like putting into relationships.

      June 15, 2012 at 12:20 | Report abuse |
  44. shammus

    it's about hyping a book that's about to come out.

    this is a how-to manual on being single forever and making yourself easy to replace

    June 15, 2012 at 09:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Merriam-Webster

    The word "gaggle" in fact has the following meaning:

    gaggle – the sound a woman makes as she chokes on the ejaculate of three or more men; see also bukkake

    June 15, 2012 at 10:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Cliff

    I'm recently divorced at 47 and trying to get back in the dating scene and this is what I have to look forward to? It's either time to move to a country with legalized pr0stltution (which is what these women are) or move to another country to find myself a woman who will love me for me and ONLY me.

    June 15, 2012 at 10:53 | Report abuse | Reply
    • samtamlin

      Send me a postcard when you find that place! 😀

      June 15, 2012 at 11:33 | Report abuse |
  47. Matt P

    Perhaps one of the reasons why relationships fail so frequently these days is because people are preoccupied with finding relationships that "meet their needs" without realizing that their partner has needs as well. The authors suggest that women should keep a "gaggle" of men around who meet their various needs, but never bothers to suggest that consideration should be given to the wants, needs, and desires of those men. The same is true where the genders are reversed – if you simply use people to meet your needs, you will never find a fulfilling relationship. Love requires giving of yourself as well.

    June 15, 2012 at 10:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Durundal

    Its like some strange alternate reality that can only exist in the seedy bars where all the sad, desperate people go. Apparently they are trying to replace happy hour with 'spread my legs and take a number'

    June 15, 2012 at 11:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Ted

    This is writer is so self centered and missing out on the point of having a real relationship.

    June 15, 2012 at 11:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. Julian Lennon

    I'm going to go ahead and guess that "SMB" has a gaggle.

    June 15, 2012 at 12:06 | Report abuse | Reply
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