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June 14th, 2012
08:46 AM ET
Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of menIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
That was then, this is now - it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many. In other words? Stop searching for Mr. Right and look around at all the Mr Right(s). According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman - single or not - should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life. “You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” explains Massa. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.” The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus. “As a woman, having a gaggle provides you with a love life full of possibility: you have many men in your life, in many ambiguous but enriching ways, who are all teaching you about yourself and your needs and desires and leading you closer to the guy and relationship you want,” say Massa and Wiegand. Terri Trespicio, a New York-based dating and relationship coach who is single herself, exuberantly extols the “uncoupled state” and takes things a step further: If you’re happily single but enjoy dating, she recommends seeing three different men regularly. “When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.” Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs - maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third - which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots. “This can also help you worry less about whether or not someone is your ‘match’,” says Trespicio, “and shifts your focus to the sheer joy of connecting with other people.” Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates - and practice safe sex - there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person. Just as different people can serve different roles outside of bed, so too, can they satisfy different needs between the sheets. In their groundbreaking book, "The Ethical Slut," Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy describe the ways in which single women (and men) can juggle multiple sexual partners and enjoy intimacy safely and “ethically." Marriage is wonderful for many, but it’s not the right choice for everyone. Whether you’re sexually intimate with more than one person or simply enjoying a variety of friendships and dates, one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number. Say Massa and Wiegand: “We are living in a post-dating world because traditional dating is no longer the most common path that people are following to romantically connect and fall in love. And the more that women judge themselves and their relationships by traditional dating standards that no longer exist, the more they are going to feel an unnecessary despair and confusion and hold themselves back from finding love in this new romantic landscape.” So go forth and gaggle! soundoff (1,429 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 Next »Leave a Reply to Talaskina
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If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about “The Rules” and stop worrying that “He’s just not that into you.” 
This is kind of a funny article. I'd swear some guy had to write that book. It's what guys would prefer I think. Have a girl to watch football with, one to be active with (golf/skiing/etc.), and one (maybe two or three) for bed sports – more than one b/c you know you won't get all your fetishes/fantasies from one (a.k.a. most are lame in bed). And what's funny is... Do they really think that the 2 guys not getting the cookie are actually into their roles as 'friends'? Hahaha, they are after the same thing the lucky guy is getting and when they realize that, she's going to need to replace that gaggle fairly often.
It means men and women are pretty much the same. Single girls like to have variety. And one or more guys for bed sports too. Women just don't advertise it. But that's the benefit of being single -you can chose and try them out and have fun.
The great thing about being single is you don't have a girlfriend who thinks sleeping around is acceptable.
anyone else think the girl in the picture looks constipated?
one of thoughs guys shes hang out with will fix that
She looks like she's just about drunk about enough for group sex. The men look like sharks, or should I say horndogs smelling a rut?
Yes, please.
Wait till she sees my junk. I'm hung like a field mouse.
Kinda like shooting pool with a rope eh?
All these men saying this isn't right is the exact same men who are cheating on their wife/girlfriend or will be once she starts aging. Chris Rock said it best "A man is as faithful as his option."
All are as faithful as their options.... not just men, and not just women...
I can smell the crisp leathery smell of baggage on you a mile away. Human beings always have the greatest capacity for self deception
1) Nice blanket statement, showing your bigotry. You sound bitter
2) Your sentence structure is terrible. Learn grammar.
3) Fairly certain Chris Rock is a comedian, not an expert on dating and marriage. Although I do like him as a comedian.
I think that's why many men find this article sad and distressing.
There's a "if you can't beat them, join them" spirit that underlies this entire article and, as a "nice guy" it makes me want to vomit. women are attracted to "bad boys", or whatever you want to call them, and now feel like, to be on the same level as them, they need to behave as they do. So that means 3/4 of the population of men now have to contend with idiot women telling other women to behave abhorrently to compete wtih 1/4 of the men of the world who are disgusting.
It's a powerplay that will ultimately backfire because the person in this whole scenario who wins is the person who cares the least. If this woman with the "gaggle" is affiliated with a man who doesn't care for her in the way she wants, she will be hurt. But is it even fair for her to be hurt when she's dispensing her affections over mutliple men?
And once she's spread her affections over tons of men, is there EVER going to be one man who would EVER "fufill" her contantly expanding needs?
This whole thing is just disgusting.
@ Brandon;
I was going to post a comment, but after reading yours, I realize I couldn't say it any better than you did.
It's a very sad article, for a romantic to read.
Tara,
Maybe true for the Jersey Shore crowd, but for real people that's hogwash. Woman want to flirt with the bad boys and marry the safe guys. Also, any woman (or man) who wants to play the games people laugh at in sitcoms will likely end up alone and miserable. Relationships are based upon love and respect (both ways).
No JT that's your wife you know the who.ore you married before you found out she used to suck and do other things to the black men in college. Everybody know white girls are wh.ores in college when it comes to basketball and football players. I have heard it from several men who played college ball and not Cali girls these are redneck Montana girls.
Great article especially for those who may have a "confidence problem" and need to grow some.
The only piece of sound advice in this entire article is this: "It’s your love-life, so do it your way." Everything else commodifies men and women and boxes them into neat, tidy, but oh so unfulfilling roles. Just be yourself and be true to those around you and you will be happy.
Yep...this.
That a boy Ivan......send them over to my house.
white girls gaggle these nuts
buying a chick beer days are over . when there in there gaggle there tryen to get drunk for free. we all deserve a bj at least.
That's what 'dating' is – seeing different men. I don't get this article. It infers that one of the men can be a sexual partner, when we all know that if you go out with someone on a regular basis, unless you start as as only friends, women will be sleeping with all of them. Not saying there's anything wrong with it, just saying.
shell just be the lose as a goose in a gaggle of geese .
not that theres anything wrong with being loose as a goose.
I'm not sure what is more surprising, that women are shallow like this or that women are shocked that men would rather spend their time on video games than deal with women who are self-serving.
HA. EXACTLY.
Everyone is self-serving to an extent. Some are just more crass and blatant about it than others.
When a guy becomes "CaptainSavAHO" he's become an imbecile. Women need to lose the lard and learn how to shut their piehole. Never help a woman. Never take their call. Treat them like dirt. This is what smart guys do.
ah, refreshing honesty at its best. Get a load of this one ladies.
Wow you really must like that di.ck up you a.ss. Well have fun and stay away from the hamsters. lol
When will chicks realize that we're not friends. We're NOT YOUR FRIEND. We have guys who are our friends. You fulfill a specific person for us men, and it's isn't conversation and friendship, or didn't you get the memo? Facepalm. Now, if the guys gay, he can be your friend.
^^^^ Bitter virgin
That's sad because you are actually missing out on healthy friendships with women that way. Hard to form a decent relationship with anyone if you aren't at least somewhat friends with them first.
You sound really bitter. Bad luck in love?
And this is why all men should have a harem .
YOU CAN'T TURN A HOE INTO A HOUSEWIFE FELLAS
Especially because a "HOE" is a gardening tool. As for your chances of finding a mate: like attracts like. You may have difficulty finding a woman, as those at your level typically receive Darwin awards. If you arrange your own funeral in anticipation, don't waste money on the dual plot.
I agree with the first post. Women who sleep around find it hard to commit. Let these women become desperate old bar floozies and find yourself a nice young girl with morals.
This works if sex isn't in the picture. The happy "multiple partners theory" is just that, a theory. In reality, you'll be lucky if one guy doesn't kill the other. Sex takes a relationship to a marital level, whether you're married or not. Joining bodies is a personal thing, and its something guys just don't like to share with if they care about you as a woman. You want to be treated like a peice of furniture by multiple guys, then maybe it would work for you, but in most cases, that's not what women are looking for, especially those who are prompted by the emotional sentiment this article pushes as a feminine goal.
They never said the guys have to know about each other. And even if they do somehow find out and kill each other it's better to see Mr. Wrong go to prison early then find out he's an unbalanced violent mess after you're married with children.
"They never said the guys have to know about each other. And even if they do somehow find out and kill each other it's better to see Mr. Wrong go to prison early then find out he's an unbalanced violent mess after you're married with children"
hahaha you think they will want to marry you. If you need a visual aid: I have here in my hand a hot dog....Now I am throwing it down a hallway. Did it do anything for you? Me neither....
I do this with my girls. It's not called gagglin where I from its called pimpin baby
Sounds good to me!
The author repeatedly mentions how "ethical" it is to have multiple guys. I wonder if the men agree when they find out the person they thought they were dating is screwing two other guys on the side.
The responses here have been hilarious. I was laughing out loud just now. I also never realized that so many people did not know how to spell "Wh0re".
Meh....Did this in the '90's. Had two boyfriends living in two different cities. When both asked to marry me, I turned both down, broke up with them and cooled my heels to think. When I realized after 6 weeks I missed one guy more than the other, I reconnected with him. Been married 17 yrs to him and have 2 kids. Not all perfect...in fact, most days I wake up wondering why the hell I married anyone! But I love the kids, and I suppose things could have been worse. Ladies and Gents: The grass is always greener on the other side. It is impossible to be all things to one person. So why the hell are you expecting your partner to be all things to you?
Agree
good lord, i can barely handle one "grown" man and a 7 year old manling. What the heck would I do with a gaggle? run screaming? Calgon, take me away.
This article is utterly trash. CNN, your articles are getting tabloid bad... seriously. Stick to the news, and cut this crap out.
And let's not forget that classic slot, with multiple entries, that guy who'll fix my computer, car, sink, dishwasher, pick up my drycleaning, that I'll NEVER sleep with, but flirt just enough to convince him it might happen but if he asks me out to dinner, hells yes I'll accept just so long as"it's not a date", cry on his shoulder about the latest jerk I've slept with.
THE Real question is, how many of these women do we have in our lives?
Your idea of courting a woman (even if it's only for lust's sake) is to become her personal valet? Sheesh, no wonder you sound bitter. If I had a butler or a handyman on retainer, it wouldn't be so I can boink him. Girls don't ask guys they want to sleep with to go get the dry cleaning. Take the hint.
Shadowflash1522 – Agree, women do not ask men they want to be with to be their mr. fix it/ handyman/ errand runner, unless they are married to them.
I think this is one of the stupidest articles I have ever read!
Can we just go back to letting men run the world and letting women have babys?
Geez, who knew that authors could fill an entire book with what really takes one sentence to convey: Keep your options open.
This author is precisely the kind of 'friend' that will advise one of her married friends who is having doubts about the relationship to go out and 'shop the field'. These types of 'friends' have either been jilted in the past, leading to a bitter outlook on the opposite sex, or have no plans for commitment and want more 'friends' to hang out with....and they are more than willing to destroy a marriage to accomplish that goal. It's selfish, pathetic, and insensitive. Here's the deal: If you don't want to settle down, that's fine...that's a personal choice. But don't try to drag everyone else with you in a pathetic attempt at justifying your choice of lifestyle. Let people figure things out for themselves.
Very true, these people like the author do in fact tell their married friends to shop the field... and yes they do it for selfish reasons like you mention. And completely agree with your last statement. I am a women and yes my single friends have always encouraged me to go outside of my relationships when things were going down hill – I am my own person so I do not listen and most of those single friends are no longer my friends – they are bad news.
I advise my married friends to work things out and be realistic in their expectations.Some people have trouble admitting they are the problem in the relationship and a reality check from a good friend can go a long way.
Notice the writer of the book is single. She turned rejection/whorism into advice. Bravo.
says the guy with the funny name....
Historically, there is another term for this. It's called a harem, and is pretty much the very definition of what it is women have been fighting against for the past 100 years in the West. (Way to go, feminism: people will take you seriously, now!)
I can't even imagine how much frothing at the mouth would go on throughout the blogosphere if a man were to be so bold as to write this article from the perspective of a man. He'd be accused of wanting to enslave women and any (and all) other derogatory insults.
How typical. Humorous, however, that the author uses the term 'gaggle', a derogatory term for a group of women that's socializing. It is horrible advice if you're trying to find a 'partner'. The kinds of guys who would typically be OK with this situation are most likely to not be the commitment type: they're just looking for a friend with benefits.
I was going to comment, but your second paragraph said just what I was going to.
That's right, ladies. Other human beings are just accessories in your quest for personal fulfillment. So glad the secret's finally out.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't think men or women should live like this. When you give yourself to someone sexually, you create a bond that really matters, unless you've spent some time building up calluses on your heart and shoving down the primal emotions we all have. But then that's going to do some psychological damage down the road. I'm glad that my wife fulfills a whole lot of needs and roles in my life - if she didn't I don't think I would have married again after divorce. I wouldn't want intimacy with one woman and other activities with another. It sounds horribly unfulfilling!
Date three guys if your single and not looking for commitment. I'd feel pretty YUCK if three guys were sharing my hooha in the same month though. Actually, wouldnt the guys feel yuck too? Not like you can clean the inside of it... Just saying....But if your married stick to your spouse, stay faithful!
Guys and gals; I'm not expert, but I'm 43 and have experienced much of these things across the entire spectrum in relationships/dating etc. True, somebody is going to get hurt in that scenario but if they had paid attention to the rules beforehand they wouldnt have. This happens with both guys and girls in my observations. But at some point guy or girl, draws a line in the sand as has had enough and eventually settles down. But not always I've found. I myslef catch myself day-dreaming and wishing for certain aspects of past partners/dates, no matter who I'm with. I feel guilty on one hand but not so much on the other. Guess I just havent found "the one" yet, that can fullfill what I seek/desire etc. By now, I question if that person really exists for me, but I don't dwell on it.
High five regular guy!!! 🙂
Wow times have changed and I'm only 25...So now it's acceptable to sleep with 3 guys at the same time?! I don't care how the authors word it, ie a "gaggle," it's cheating and it's wrong! I'm sure if the other guys found out about one another they wouldn't be too thrilled. How is sleeping around with 3 guys really going to make you a better person and how it that remotely fair to any of the guys you are with? Terrible idea and terrible book–the end of traditional relationships as we speak
Yes, but wouldn't you at least like to see 3 guys "balance each other out, like a tripod.”? Truly, the most unintentionally hilarious line in the article. I don't know about you, but I've got an image in my head that I need out of there, and I mean RIGHT NOW!
There's a four-letter word for women who do this, and it begins with s.
Typical Feminazi double standard!!! When men play the field, they are called dogs or worse... But now its ok to encourage women to do the same so she can satisfy her insecurities and neurotic sociopathology!
Dis beautiful,cuz i love freedom and i know dis wld give freedom 2 d partners.I'm interested,interesting gal can mail me on udochristian98@yahoo.com
Drinking Corona? Sorry...not happening. I won't be your gander.
I find it funny that the author overly emphasizes how 'ethical' this whole thing is, and yet there's no word on how the guys would feel about the situation. To each their own, personally I don't think it's right, I wouldn't want to live like this and I would be devastated if I found out that a girl I'm dating and having hopes about is sleeping with three other guys on the side. But again, to each their own, maybe I'm just old fashioned
This article is emblematic of the "Sex and the City" mentality that has swept the Western world. It dictates that everything, and everyone, is a mere commodity to be consumed by so-called enlightened women. As soon as something or someone presents the slightest bit of inconvenience it must be discarded immediately for something better. When women are inevitably unfulfilled after following these tenets then men are the ones to blame.
Might as well make marriage illegal. It's as good as dead anyway. If this self-love is what passes for socially acceptable to females these days, there just isn't any point to matrimony let alone monogamy.
Well, monogamy is collapsing before our eyes... welcome to the land of the players.
Somebody earlier had an idea where this book should be discussed on Daily Show or Colbert...I agree. Please, let's make it happen.
This is terrible advice for women because any man that would be in a gaggle is pathetic and any high value guy wouldn’t put up with it. So she’ll have her 3-4 guys who she just doesn’t feel it with and then dude she’s into will bang her and the 5 other chicks in his harem. No wonder modern relationships are such a joke. And women keep taking advice that’s going to shoot them in the foot. Never take relationship advice from a single woman.
So I guess that these ladies' plan to finding the perfect relationship is to get passed around the campfire like a 6-pack of Steel City Beer, then whoever's left at the end must be Mr. Right. Works for me, I can just gets mine, then check out after about round 3.
Is it just me or do all three of the guys surrounding her look like they want to have sex with each other?
I feel like this was written by someone who was trying to justify their indiscretions and inability to commit to themselves, not to readers. I also think it's sad that they then marketed it with terms like "relationship coach". It's kind of absurd. People definitely do need a variety of companions to meet their wide ranging needs (a music friend vs a shopping friend vs an academic friend) but to say that one significant other cannot fulfill someone's romantic needs sounds more to me like the author had a bad dating experience, instead of a good life motto.