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June 14th, 2012
08:46 AM ET
Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of menIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
That was then, this is now - it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many. In other words? Stop searching for Mr. Right and look around at all the Mr Right(s). According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman - single or not - should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life. “You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” explains Massa. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.” The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus. “As a woman, having a gaggle provides you with a love life full of possibility: you have many men in your life, in many ambiguous but enriching ways, who are all teaching you about yourself and your needs and desires and leading you closer to the guy and relationship you want,” say Massa and Wiegand. Terri Trespicio, a New York-based dating and relationship coach who is single herself, exuberantly extols the “uncoupled state” and takes things a step further: If you’re happily single but enjoy dating, she recommends seeing three different men regularly. “When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.” Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs - maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third - which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots. “This can also help you worry less about whether or not someone is your ‘match’,” says Trespicio, “and shifts your focus to the sheer joy of connecting with other people.” Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates - and practice safe sex - there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person. Just as different people can serve different roles outside of bed, so too, can they satisfy different needs between the sheets. In their groundbreaking book, "The Ethical Slut," Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy describe the ways in which single women (and men) can juggle multiple sexual partners and enjoy intimacy safely and “ethically." Marriage is wonderful for many, but it’s not the right choice for everyone. Whether you’re sexually intimate with more than one person or simply enjoying a variety of friendships and dates, one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number. Say Massa and Wiegand: “We are living in a post-dating world because traditional dating is no longer the most common path that people are following to romantically connect and fall in love. And the more that women judge themselves and their relationships by traditional dating standards that no longer exist, the more they are going to feel an unnecessary despair and confusion and hold themselves back from finding love in this new romantic landscape.” So go forth and gaggle! soundoff (1,429 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 Next »Leave a Reply to Cliff
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If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about “The Rules” and stop worrying that “He’s just not that into you.” 
As if young American women weren't screwed up enough already.
^ this.
Amen, preach brother (or sister)!!
They all need a tire gauge for their ear to check the air in their head.....
Based on the all misogynistic , crass coments here, I'm thinking it would be difficult to find ONE decent man to date, much less a gaggle. Luckily there are smart intelligentmen out there who don't hate women or have "mommy issues" like many of those who have commented here. My finace and I have been together for 3 years and will tie the knot this fall. I love and respect him, as he does me.
No self-respecting man would be one of the three d-bags hovering over the one girl in this article's picture.
Amen to that brotha! They look more like gay bffs. lol
I don't endorse the concept of this book / article. Men AND women are not disposables to be used en mass as your needs require. But you guys sound overly defensive and insecure.
So Kristina agrees with you, but still shows her insecurity by taking a moment to take a shot at you both. Looooooow
I think a "gaggle" is just a fancy term for "a group of guy friends" which I don't see a problem with as long as there isn't the expectation of a more emotionally involved relationship with more than one in that group.
Tha-are you "showing insecurity" by taking a blow at me? Since when does expressing an opinion = showing insecurity?
KRISTINA “When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.” Kristina, she said you might feel the pressure to commit if you date one guy..meaning he wanted to marry you and I'm guessing that's why he approached you. How insecure would a man have to be to want to marry you and your dating a gaggle of other men to avoid this? Further she suggests that dating two won't do cause somehow there is this "unspoken rule" that she has to choose. I was under the impression this "rule" has been spoken by women for years. Finally you reach the magic number (3) and somehow the "one" that would marry you is just one of the boys and that makes everything better ...right?. It's at this point if you don't have an answer for that then your opinion is insecure...meaning based on this article's suggestions and your response......you lack the security of a firm decision to be with one person. So you settle for piece-meal relationships where the man you love is different, than the one you confide in, than the one you are friends with, than the one you share your interests with, and you expect them all of them spend the rest of their lives with you like this. Yea....insecure and psychotic.......:) Good Day.
The article should've included this:
If he's not concerned that you're seeing other men, he doesn't care about you and is after one thing. If he cares about you, he will probably leave when he finds out you're seeing other guys.
Following the advice in this article is a great way to filter out the guys who might've actually been serious and cared about you, and be left with guys who are either players or loosers with no self respect.
Preach on, preacher.
This is the dumbest article I think I've ever read. The translation of it is that men are servants, meant to fill every nook and cranny of a woman's feelings. Overall, the article gives off a pro-woman vibe but it takes it wayyy too far folks. Other comments here are right on the money.
First of all, it's loser, not looser. Secondly, I think it depends on the relationship. If I've went out with you once, and you find out that I've also went out with two other guys after I went out with you, and you get angry, or decide you don't want to date me again, fine. Since when has having dinner with someone meant exclusive?? Now, if you're sleeping with somone and they find out you're also sleeping with other people, and they don't care, then you're right. They only want one thing.
Rachel, it's "If I've GONE out with you once", not went...
Rachel, first of all, it is gone, not went...
IMO after a couple dates you should know if you want to take things further or not. If you are interested in something more serious, I don't see why you'd go on romantic dates with other people. After a good date with a girl I have no problem telling other girls I'm busy until the relationship plays itself out. If you went on dates with other guys after one with me that went well I would just assume you weren't serious, or needed attention from multiple guys. I wouldn't get angry, but I wouldn't call you back either. Honesty is the most important thing. Not going on a second date is no big deal, but if I found out that a girl had hooked up with other guys after we started seeing each other I would leave even if she wasn't anymore and the relationship had progressed from that point, which is a lot harder for all involved.
Can't believe someone would start off their reply with a grammatical correction then proceed to make multiple grammatical errors, in turn. It's SOMEONE not SOMONE
What happened to christianity? To morality, virtue, values? It seems to me that it's okay to remember these principles during the elections but otherwise to ignore them.
Christianity has nothing to do with morality.
Please, give us a break. What happened to Christianity? I'll tell you what happened to it. When so called "Christians" are out molesting little kids, stealing money from their congregations, condemning everyone under the sun for whatever they disagree with, people see how fake Christianity is. Who are you to push your morality on me? Nobody, thats who.
Zozo – ignore the idiots. I'm with you mostly – sure Christianity may not BE the cause of morality BUT Christian values reinforce morality, self respect as well as respect for others. Some people are SO quick to jump the anti-christianity bandwagon they make asses of themselves while trying to make their point. Zozo – I getcha.
Hey Pat, I'm sorry you have looked to the wrong christians to see what christianity really is. Would you look at a 300lb man as an example of good health? No you would'nt. Just because someone calls themself a christian doesn't mean we should follow their example. Jeses is the only christian worthy of following. Christianity for me means that I know I'm not perfect, in fact I am far from it, and i'll admit that until the day I die. It means I love those around me, christian or not, and that I would do for others just as I would do for myself. The devil in christians clothing does'nt make christianty bad, it just makes it like everything else in this world, imperfect. God Bless to all of you!
JPL,
Jesus was Jewish...
...and Pat? Not all Christians are molesting children. Not all Christians are out stealing money. Not all Christians are pushing their values on you. That is a generalization and I actually resent that you have lumped all of us Christians in that category. ANY culture, society, religious or ethnic group contains has deviants. A true Christian is patient, loving, generous, and respectful of life and of differences (even if we do not agree with them.)
Umm...it died 2000 years ago in the middle east. Then some guys started defiling this guy in the name of everything he stood against. Then they mind ****ed millions of people and now it is the largest, most corrupt, most financially well off and longest standing cult of all time....mostly
Ok, jesus was a jew, not a christian. All that stuff is just made up anyway, no one really knows if a person named jesus ever existed in the first place.
I don't understand the flaming of the article. It's written to a specific type of needy selfish women (Notice: Article talks about what the 'gaggle' provides to the girl, not about what the girl will provide to the 'gaggle' except possibly sex which is again more about the gain then then give.) and tells them to drop social pretext in commiting to a relationship they don't want.
It would be in EVERYONE's best interest if girl's that want this lifestyle took this advice. This would give men knowledge of what kind of women they're getting involved with beforehand. For those looking for a hook-up, 'GREAT!', for those looking for a girlfriend, 'Nice to meetcha, have fun, keep your number, buh-bye now!'. None of this 'Sure you're the only guy I want to be with ... **on Wednesdays**...'
Keeping in mind, NOT all women would want to do this anyway.
The problem is that most of the girls who follow this sort of lifestyle follow the article's advice except for the honesty part. They soon realize that no self respecting guy is going to pay for their dinner and listen to all their emotional problems when he knows that she's seeing other guys and he's just being used. They usually try and be a little more subtle about it. If you're a guy dating in today's world, you've got to become good at filtering these types of girls out because it's very rare that they'll tell you what they're really doing.
I see it the same way. I'm okay being friends with a woman who is having sex with another guy as long as (a) I'm not interested in having sex with her myself, (b) I'm not fitting the bill for hanging out with her, (c) I'm getting something out of the friendship for myself, like I enjoy her company or she's willing to introduce me to other women I am physically interested in, and (d) she doesn't bother me with any of the dramatic details of her life. Bt if I'm interested in her and she's not interested in me, I'm not spending a nanosecond hanging around being her "friend." No thank you ma'am. So I guess this type of arrangement would work well for unattractive or plain women, but if she's hot, she's not going to find three straight men who will put up with the other two in her life. No soup for you. NEXT!
Makes sense if you are an insecure woman who needs constant attention. Rather than using a gaggle of males to fulfill your own neediness, try being confidant and happy with yourself to fulfill your own emotional needs. Once you do that, you are ready for real relationships, whether it's friendships or dating. I really hope women avoid books like this, it's a great handbook to create a lonely emotionally detached life.
Lila, Can't be said any better, 100% agree with you..
Agreed!
Thankfully, a real woman to provide some valuable advice. I have dated far too many insecure women, even found them cheating on me. These are very shallow and detached women, and this is one way to positively pollute the crap out of the dating pool
This is good advice if the true concept here is to have lots of friends of the opposite sex so that you can build healthy non-sexual relationships and learn to get along with the opposite sex.
However, this is horrible advice if you want to end up with a quality person. As a guy, I can tell you that the right way to treat a lady is honestly and openly – no games – don't play with her heart, and don't let her play with yours. Now this article doesn't address the fact that if you need this type of "training" (because you don't have relationships figured out), then likely you aren't savvy enough to avoid hurting people. And quality men don't let people mess with their hearts, and don't want to deal with your plethora of relationships either.
So ladies, do yourself a favor – don't treat anyone badly and don't let anyone treat you badly. Be open and honest about how you feel and where you are. Don't let yourself be pressured into anything (hint: a good guy won't do that to you). And don't setup artificial requirements for Mr. Right – it's hard enough to find the right person. Good luck!
Well said
The women who wrote this book and who is making these suggestions sounds like the text book "Sociopath". Using men, let alone many men, for your own selfish needs or desires is not a desirable trait. Becuase you will end up alone in the end instead. Just as many Sociopath's eventually do. All you have to do is be honest, a decent person and willing to work at a relationship and you will find the right person. The old fashion way. THE RIGHT WAY.
Men have been doing this since the start of time.
Men are different from women because of evolutionary biology.
Men who do it are just as lonely and emotionally unfulfilled as women who do it.
Mark, men who use that excuse are pathetic! We have evolved from those times, and so should your behavior! It's no excuse! If we lived ruled by our hormones and instincts alone we would not be a civilized society. Rational thinking, and making logical choices is what separates us from wild animals.
And many men have messed up lives full of problems and drama, why in the world would women want to copy that? Men and women who are that needy for attention are too much work to deal with.
I am a young woman and this article is ridiculous. Men and women are not disposable objects to use as a means to an end. I don't need a 'gaggle' of men to keep me happy. I am so sick of this high maintenance crap. I like traditional dating. It's fulfilling and you're not treating the other person as a sex object (usually).
GREAT viewpoint! Best of luck to you. I have been married 21 years and that is how I looked at things. Any person who played games I cut off. It is the only way to weed them out. They either change (which my wife did) or they don't and i don't need them in my life. Best wishes to you. It will happen.
Does not matter bottom line is that 99% of women are just Tricks and Ho's ......untill they find another guy with more $$$$ then the last one
Provided that a lady isn't too choosy, there's plenty of lonely men out there willing to overlook the high mileage of women that are tore up from the floor up and beat up from the street up.
She only need 3: One for the front door, one for the back, and one for lunch.
Many young women date multiple losers because they think it is exciting. They end up having a few kids. Then they go looking for Mr. Right to take care of them and their kids. Like a wise man once told me, "It's like buying a used car with two dents in it"!
Yeah, I won't even consider dating a woman who already has kids. It's strange how even if you're honest and polite about it some of them still flip out.
I know women like this and I stopped taking their calls years ago. Most unmarried genx gus I know want exactly the opposite. Just set me up with someone who isn't an alcoholic with six figures of debt, and has resisted the full FB ana| probe. Is that too much to ask?
I've dated 3 girls at the same time like this article suggests. I moved girls in while I got rid of others. I always did it respectfully though. It actually is a good idea, and it helped me see what I wanted a whole lot faster then it I had only dated one at a time. It's hard to find quality ppl anymore so I'm not going to waste time. After 2-4 wks of this though and 2-4 dates later with each of em, I made a choice to either scrap em all, or date one exclusive. I don't owe anybody anything after just a couple dates. There's no sex involved during this time btw. Once we do start having sex I got rid of the others out of respect for them, and respect for myself. I don't think this article intends for the gaggle to be long term. Just temporary until a woman or man finds a winner.
That beginning phase before sex, when you are seeing multiple people, that's just called dating. I think this article is going way beyond that and saying you should keep multiple people around long-term to fulfill different needs. This will help you grow personally. Blah blah blah. Dating multiple people is fine, but I think this article has a completely different message.
So when the article states: "single or not – should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life. ", you don't think that more than implies this should be a life long um, habit? This book isn't suggesting that women do this, find Mr Right and then stop, no, it's suggesting that your WIFE does the same, not so much for me thanks.
To the Dr. of the article and the book author, " Sure dude. "
Jeez, no thanks.
So, basically, this gay guy is telling women that they should all be wh ores
HE SHOOTS HE SCORES!!!
Women have been attempting to redefine the traditional roles between men and women since Eve and Adam,..take a minute and examine it historically. And for the most part it was never to be treated like a woman.....that part I imagine we figured out the hard way...pun intended and for reasons they dress up for!! It's this notion that they are equal to men, and privy to the same right to behave like men, to be held to the same standard of treatment as men, and to be able, at their choice, to do all that men will do, do, or have done historically regardless. This article suggests that a "gaggle of men" is a new way of viewing male-female relationships for women of today, and I say more "POWER" to you. Pretty sure there won't be more "LOVE"..or....."MARRIAGE".....PEG!!......put definitely more power daughter of Eve.....you've returned to EDEN. Gaggle on this....... 🙂
Idiotic feminist garbage... The guide of the perfect sl ut ...
According to the picture, women need a gaggle of gay men around them?
I agree, gay men are a perfect "gaggle" for women
According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman – single or not – should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life.
Sounds like a recipe for catching creeping crotch corruption. Ugh!
Or as Thom Yorke use to say " you're so F****** special"
Where do they get this crap!?!?!?!?
is cnn just trolling us at this point?
Don't look for love outside yourself. Improve yourself so you will be the type of person someone could love.
Way to rationalize being a tramp. I'm not sure what "safe sex" practices you are referring to, but unless you are wearing full body latex condoms, you can pass/get STDs. Think hpv/herpies.
Let me consult my wives to see if I can add another to the gaggle.
Most men, including myself, will not continue to date a woman that's already seeing multiple different men. Probably explains why the author of this article is still single herself.
All three of those guys in that picture want to bang that girl. Which one will she eventually sleep with... one, two, or all three of them?
Man, I thought the success of my marriage was based on mutual respect and fidelity. Now I find out she's happy because she's nailing 8 other guys.
Crap.
Great advice, be menizers, just like womanizers, you know the guy women loath. You know the guy that gets in a serious relationship and cheats.
What are they saying have many fulfill your life so when you get married you leave right away because one man could not fulfill all of your needs?
And yes what idiot would want to be in a gaggle anyway.
Wierd, all these years it was considered[still is] for men to do this and be ok but when women decide to do it were looked at differently? How does it feel men?
Forgot to add, I dont agree with this for either sex.
Joan I suspect it feels great cause we don't have to take you "seriously" just like women do men caught in the same situation...right? We can actually dismiss you as a loser who couldn't commit and didn't know how to be honest about what you wanted from one man so you choose a gaggle of them to meet the need. I say...You can have a gaggle of men and I'll have a harem of women .....that sounds like equal rights!!! The fact that you hear these men upset with isn't because they've never done it, it's because the article suggest that women should believe (erroneously) that they will never be treated as men have been in this exact same dumb-@$$ situation...and you're hearing these men say b-h your PSYCHOTIC!!!! 🙂
the one shes blowing
the future one she will blow
the one she blew already
"Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs – maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third – which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots.'
No pun intended.
How about just having some regular old male friends? Not every man in your life wants to sleep with you. They don't all have to be part of your romance/sex life.
yeah sure. unless he likes men.
yeah ok, you can have male friends, but if you offer, 99% of the time he's taking unless
a) Hes gay
b) he's not really a guy
c) he's really not attracted to you
But if c were true, than chances are he wouldn't have become your friend in the first place.
See how long this brilliant idea lasts when one of the guys finds out about the rest of the gaggle. You'll be left with nothing. The best part is imagine how upset a woman would be if she found out she was part of a man's "harem." FML and the generation I'm a part of. I give up.
I think this gaggle idea is good for a woman who is looking to be in a serious relationship or marriage. At the same time, ppl have to understand that everyone male or female is not at that point in their life yet. If your a young woman who is not looking to seriously commit to anyone and your honest about i dont see the problem. I feel the same way about a guy. Life is about phases and growth. If im 23 and dont want to be in a serious relationship but would rather gaggle and be honest about that then so be it. When you reach a point when you want more than i would suggest changing your ways.
Explain that to all the guys that they're apart of a "gaggle" of 4 or 5 different guys and see how many are still willing to go out on dates with you.
I think I prefer filling all of my wife's um, "slots" just fine thank you. I think this book may be fine for single women, but encouraging happily married women to believe they need more men in their lives in not only wrong, it's reckless.
So very true, and so very sad...
most college girls have this down pat no reason for wasting energy writing about stuff girls or i mean 'women' already know
This article is just a sign of the END TIMES. Absolute filth – and most definitely not the path to happiness.
Ok Erin, these are really my kids. My sis is just bonwroirg them for a bit. haha! OMG, I love these shots. I want you to take my boys pics sometime when Im in town. Amazing Job! And your right, shes def the best hairdresser EVER! XOXO
http://www.Hear-The-Truth.com
Dumbest article ever written...
So, now we're celebrating commitment phobia as a kind of post-modern seksual liberation. Obviously all those guys aren't hanging around a woman because they think she's marriage material. This only encourages and validates (some) men's mistreatment of women because they are more likely to see them as cheap hoors. You encourage misogyny and pass it off as feminism. Bravo!
So the advice I'm getting from this article is... you should have male friends as well as female friends. Yes, okay, agreed - you should try to be friends with a diverse group of people. Is that really breaking news??
Yeah, I'll be one of her 'gaggle' for a weekend because that's all she every be worth.
And apparently, according to your own standards, if you're willing to use people in that manner, you are not worth much either. Don't have a different standard for men and women sweetheart.
Is the "gaggle" checkbox one of the 29 Dimensions® of Compatibility on E-Harmony?
one in four have herpies . now they all have it . how u like your gaggle now.