June 14th, 2012
08:46 AM ET
Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of men
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about “The Rules” and stop worrying that “He’s just not that into you.”
That was then, this is now - it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many.
In other words? Stop searching for Mr. Right and look around at all the Mr Right(s).
According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman - single or not - should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life.
“You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” explains Massa. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.”
The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus.
“As a woman, having a gaggle provides you with a love life full of possibility: you have many men in your life, in many ambiguous but enriching ways, who are all teaching you about yourself and your needs and desires and leading you closer to the guy and relationship you want,” say Massa and Wiegand.
Terri Trespicio, a New York-based dating and relationship coach who is single herself, exuberantly extols the “uncoupled state” and takes things a step further: If you’re happily single but enjoy dating, she recommends seeing three different men regularly.
“When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.”
Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs - maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third - which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots.
“This can also help you worry less about whether or not someone is your ‘match’,” says Trespicio, “and shifts your focus to the sheer joy of connecting with other people.”
Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates - and practice safe sex - there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person.
Just as different people can serve different roles outside of bed, so too, can they satisfy different needs between the sheets. In their groundbreaking book, "The Ethical Slut," Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy describe the ways in which single women (and men) can juggle multiple sexual partners and enjoy intimacy safely and “ethically."
Marriage is wonderful for many, but it’s not the right choice for everyone. Whether you’re sexually intimate with more than one person or simply enjoying a variety of friendships and dates, one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number.
Say Massa and Wiegand: “We are living in a post-dating world because traditional dating is no longer the most common path that people are following to romantically connect and fall in love. And the more that women judge themselves and their relationships by traditional dating standards that no longer exist, the more they are going to feel an unnecessary despair and confusion and hold themselves back from finding love in this new romantic landscape.”
So go forth and gaggle!
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This is what young attractive women do instinctively already. It's when they hit the wall that it becomes a problem. When their gaggle power evaporates. This is evidenced by CNN article just a few days ago about ex-sex-kittens ready to settle down. Um, you mean loose girl been run through by gaggles of men now long gone, and is hoping for a nice guy to love her now – now that she's squandered all her better options. Don't be that nice guy, fellas. Let's all wise up to this hypergamous sham. Attractive women always have options. Know where you fit in and don't be a fool just fulfill her narcissistic supply. Make sure you are getting something of equal value out of it other than princess offering you some future hope of her maybe sleeping with you – if you would only just do this, or do that, and now this. Equal value could mean she has loads of attractive friends that you'd like to meet, etc. It doesn't have to mean you intend to b@ng her. Don't be her girlfriend if you want to be her boyfriend, and don't be her boyfriend if all you wanted to do is sleep with her. Covert is a woman's strategy, a man should make his intentions clear and not play these games.
Lawdy, tell it!
yeah, it all sounds like a simple mess to me. Been married nearly 40 years and we never ever considered this gaggle thing.
Just another example of the twisted, farm animal morals that have evolved into mainstream America since the early '60's.
Yes, its funny how the kind of girls described in the article want to settle down in their mid 30s after going through hundreds of guys, and are frustrated that all those guys who they could've stayed with a decade ago no longer want them. They'll always find some chump who will take them, but I'm going to be sure not to be that guy.
If a girl is in her early 20s and has options but still chooses me, I'm going to be a lot more inclined to stay with her than if she's older and getting desperate.
Men have been trying this for centuries. Now they are offended when the article puts the shoe on the other foot?
The outraged young male replies have me laughing out loud. I distinctly remember men in the 70's trying to convince me that men were biologically unable to settle for one women. They too, were quoting an article/book. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm 64 and female and getting a kick out of all of this nonsense.
Indeed. who wants a women who spent their early years gaggling and now wants to settle down and get married and have kids. Jee what a catch that would be.
@Gail, women are not men.
There are only certain types of men that would allow themselves to put themselves in this "gaggle" structure. I dont think those are the ones you are going to want to settle down with. From a man. Do not listen to this rediculous article if you are looking for a good/nice man.
That is NOT what men have been trying Gail. There is clearly quite a bit you don't understand.
The men that want to sleep with lots of women want just that, lots of anonymous sex. If the author were suggesting that, I would have no problem with it.
And there ARE biological differences between men and women. That does not justify cheating, but it does not mean they don't exist.
Garbage. These are the same types of women who complain all the time about how there are "no good guys" out there. Well of course they are, its just that none of them are interested in you! What kind of man of character would be into a woman that follows this kind of advice?
The only part of this article that makes any sense is encouraging people not to rely on just one person to be your everything. Thats why so many marriages fail, these girls have ridiculously unrealistic expectations for their husbands. Instead of a "gaggle" of men, maybe use your one girlfriend to bombard with all your work drama (that your man doesn't want to hear), appeal to sympathy from your mom (instead of your man), and generally get needs met through other people in your life. But don't do this whole gaggle of men thing. Can't think of a better way to lose a good man.
It's called having "friends of the opposite sex". Wow, what a revelation! You don't have to cuddle and have sex with multiple people to satisfy different aspects of your personality (assuming you have one 😀 ). Sounds more like the female version of a playboy, which is not something all men actually want or are capable of. The difference is: it's a lot easier for a woman to have a sh**-ton of male hangers-on if she opens herself up to it....and wants to hang out with sociopaths, fearers of intimacy, and men with little self-pride. Have fun!
And surprisingly, the women tend to be just like the gaggle of men they hang with.
Important point hear is to do things the way that you are comfortable doing them.
What a joy you must be.
I can't decide what's more laughable; this article or all the men incensed by it...
Three cheers for this response. My .02: silly concept, this gaggle, since any guy who becomes a part of the gaggle is not there to talk shopping, etc, for any other reason than to get in her pants.
Intelligent women should be incensed asvwell. Why aren't you. The author wants us to behave like the jerks we've been disgusted with for years. Can't beat them so join them? No thanks.
I need to increase my harem I guess if every other one has a gaggle.
Why would anyone take advice from a relationship coach whose single?
This might be the absolute dumbest thing I've ever heard. Ladies... do yourself a favor and ignore this advise. Any good man looking for a great woman like you will flee if he sees this "gaggle" crap. Question... would you be into a guy who has a group of female friends that he always talks to and hangs out with for different reasons? Exactly.
When you say "Good Men" do you mean John Edwards who cheated on his faithful wife with cancer, or Tiger Woods who slept with over 20 women or maybe you mean Mel Gibson who left his faithful wife of 20 years to get with a much younger woman who destroyed his career. May you are talking about Arnold who cheated on Maria and father a child she didn't know about until 20 years later. That's right ladies remain loyal and faithful to your men dedicated your youth to him only to have him leave you 10 years later for a younger women. That is when no man will want you. I guess it's natural for a women to be faithful while her "good man" cheats.
Gee Kyle, I really doubt that Dmorb wa really thinking of any of those people to define the term "Good Men." In fact, we probably, you know, talking about guys who don't do those things. Nice Strawman argument though.
I have to admit I used to be part of the gaggle of men with more than just one chick, that is why I never took any one of them seriously, I got what I wanted and moved on, and still moving on, NEXT!
Can men have a gaggle of women? I would say we "need" it too, to fulfill all of our different needs. Or is this another story from a small group of women (including the authors of this book) to promote a double standard? I think the word they are working on describing, but not explicitly stating, is wh*re.
Men who have a "gaggle of women" are considered "pigs". To some, these arrangements with the opposite sex is acceptable; it all depends on who you talk to.
I have lots of friends who just happen to be girls; they make up 53% of the population. I only date my wife. been dating her for 27 years and it has been working out so far.
Sounds like the best way I know of to catch a incurable STD!Dating 2-3+ people at the same time.Mine as well screw them all at the same time
This is the worst advice I've ever heard. I've known a couple girls who did things this way, and without exception they were overly needy and craved attention to a fault. In most cases she also couldn't understand why the guys who cared about her never wanted to speak to her again when they found out she was seeing other guys, and why the guys who didn't care that she was seeing multiple guys didn't really give a F-- about her.
Call me old fashioned, but for it to be a relationship it must be sexually monogamous. I simply won't develop an emotional connection with a girl who is seeing other guys, and I prefer sex to have some emotional component. I avoid girls who do this like the plague. I've outright ignored not so subtle offers of sex, it drives them nuts when a guy they like won't shower them with attention just because they're female. For some reason they take it even worse when you tell them why.
I completely agree. To add, I know that marriage isn't for everyone, but it is for anyone who wants to have a family. That is where a real feeling of love comes from. When women are encouraged to date and sleep with multiple men, "because that is how dating works these days" the result is the continual proliferation and encouragement of men to engage in noncommittal relationships. Just because there is a trend to date less and have "casual" (it's never casual) relationships doesn't mean that should be the law of the land. Nothing compares to being truly loved by one person. It's much harder to find this love when the idea of being with multiple people is noncommittal in nature. Answer this questions, what guy would put himself out there and commit to a woman who has put on a facade of a powerful independent woman who sleeps with a variety of men just to feel wanted?
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with a woman having multiple sexual partners and I think it is great when women are powerful and independent, but strong and independent doesn't mean that she SHOULD have multiple partners. And no woman should be encouraged to have multiple sexual partners because you can only add partners, you cant subtract if you decide you made a mistake.
if this is what it is coming to then fight fire with fire....if she has a gaggle of guy friends then just get a gaggle of girl friends for yourself...see how she likes that, probably wont. Think about it
How is this any different from what women already do?
This is nothing new and men already think about what role they are being cast in by a prospective female.
Yes now you can have a different man to meet each one of your many needs so that one man doesn't get the impossible burden of having to deal with all of them.Is it any wonder why women initiate 70 of divorces today. How about this for a novel concept: Try being accountable for your own happiness instead of making a man or men responsible for it. How about a book teaching women personal accountability and maybe shortening up that unending list of needs that today's women seem to have.
I date at least 10 guys at the same time – all the time. Never mind the reasons in the article – I've never paid for a meal or entertainment once in 5 years! You should see my shoe collection!!!
I would like to see inside your medicine cabinet!
Can you say w h o r e!
And we should see the size of your hole!
And Sara I hate to break it to you but you are part of their hoe collection. Don't pat yourself on the back. Remember you are getting paid for your services. These men to not see you as a princess. These men you speak of go around bragging about how Sara is now part of their hoe collection.
Have fun trying to continue that trend after 35 or 40. Then you'll probably have to move from collecting shoes to collecting cats.
If you're good looking and put out, I'll buy you food and shoes. Do you advertise?
Sara you are not a wh..ore and don't let these lowlife make you think that. It's amazing all the loyal faithful men coming out the woodwork dismissing this article and calling all women who agree with this article a wh..ore. The hypocrisy astounding it's ok for men to cheat, bring home babies and diseases, but if a women is thinking about doing it 2 rights don't make a wrong or whatever cliché you want to say. 50-60% of men cheat so 1 in 5 men are cheating on their spouse/girlfriend so go ahead and dedicate you entire life to a men who will inevitable leave you. The generation that stayed married for 20 plus years is quickly dying off and the generations of divorce babies is taking over. Nobody can't argue that it's human nature to repeat a cycle and if you were raised in a divorce home more than likely you will be divorce. Kind of like a child that has been molested will probably go up to become the molester. Before you jump down my throat NOT ALL CHILDREN WHO ARE MOLESTED BECOME MOLESTER. They only men who can negatively comment on this article and the people that agree with it is men who have never ever cheated on any women he has ever been with. So go ahead you hypocrite men and call us names we already thing of the majority as POS.
Sara the sloppy second, even feminists look down upon women like you. Feminists say it is alright, and often required, for women to pay for men on some dates, to keep things even between both parties (whether men feel emasculated or not with this is different for each man). You are shameful from all perspectives (feminist-females and males). But I guess 10 mins with you must make up for it...?
If you paid for these men I would have some respect for you.
" like a tripod.” Heh-heh! That's my nick name...
Check out the bleached blond guy in the pic....lol. That's one sleazy character.
Thank you for the insightful article. As a single male who works full-time and serves on a number of non-profit boards, I do not have a tremendous amount of free time. I am interested in dating and eventually getting married; however, I do not have the time or energy to maintain relationswith a number of different women, nor do I want to. If I am seeing a woman, I do my absolute best to treat her well and be exclusive. The expectation is that I will not be seeing anyone else, but it is ok for her to have a "gaggle" of other men texting and wooing her at all times. As soon a I get wind of the "gaggle", I'm out the door, because I don't have time for lascivious behavior.
I've got news for you buddy – you'll be going out many doors in your life. She probably has 4 guys texting her while you are on a date with her. I know I do.
I have to say, I am absolutely disgusted by this article. This is NOT what us young women should be doing, and for those who do, I find that particular person to be shallow and immature. Why in all the world would you want to lead on a bunch of men with promises of romance like this! That's called being a tease, flirting with infidelity! Of course, my old-fashioned views are very out of whack with what the media thinks us women should be doing. For all the men outraged by this, YOU SHOULD BE. This puts a bad image in place for all of us normal women who are just trying to find someone to be happy with in our life. Sure, if you are the kind of person who sleeps around, jumps from man to man in order to make yourself happy, then this is probably something you already do. But it is not something 'every woman needs'. In fact, I must say, this is the first time I have read a CNN article and actually felt the need to respond, as it angered me this much.
Young women do NOT need this to define their role in society, it has a very strong negative influence. Instead of a 'gaggle of men' they need a good group of girlfriends to do this with. It is completely inappropriate for them to lead men along in this manner.
Men lead themselves along in this manner many of the time. I have more guy friends than girlfriends and I have never "lead them on" in any such manner but that didn't prevent some of them from thinking or trying otherwise...
What about alll the guys who just use women and move on? That's supposed to be "the norm" right?
You don't lie to men when you have a "gaggle", you tell them like it is... and you'd be amazed at how many guys are ok with that.
Like I posted below, dating lots of guys (you don't have to sleep with them) is a better way than focusing like a laser beam on one dude. Think of Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind. Sure, she was pretty, but she had a lot of "Beaus" she would see, and it made her even more attractive to other men.
Guys are like that quite often. They don't want the wallflower, they want the one everyone else wants. Hey, I don't make the rules, I'm just an observer.
Its because most women cant get along with other women...
Thanks for writing, Serenity. I think you actually speak for a large majority of young women–and men, too. We're not all into the Sex and the City lifestyle that we see portrayed on the screens. There's life outside of the one night stand. Good for you!
I think that it is a mistake to be intimate with more than one person at a time, but don't object to the rest of the article. A woman who is ultimately looking to marry and raise a family SHOULD be dating more than one man at once, until she finds one she considers settling down with. Traditionally, dating was non-exclusive until "going steady," which led to "engaged," which led to married. Before "going steady," both men and women sholuld be dating more than one person. If the assumption is that you are exclusive the minute you exchange phone numbers, then both parties will be too terrified to make that first call. But sex? No.
When my parents met in the 1970s, they were both dating other people and they continued to date them for many months. Gradually, over the course of 2 years, the other dating relationships ended and my parents got engaged. They didn't jump into bed with the other people, they were just dating, which is a social construct almost unknown today. What people call "dating" now is just dinner before sex. Dating used to be a period of social contacts with people who might make good partners. It was a social learning process. My parents are still happily married by the way.
So now women are encouraging other women to do what they demonized men for doing for centuries. I have no problem with this but ONLY if the entire woman population admits that they were WRONG about demonizing men for doing it. But, of course, we know women will never admit they were wrong so...sorry, this entire ideology in the article is called hypocrisy.
But women are NEVER wrong, when they cheat on the guy they've been with for years and lie about it until they can't lie anymore, its still all the guys fault.
When they are seen hugging all over some strange guy on their porch, they say that guy is just their uncle and there is nothing to worry about.
When they are on craigslist trying to hook up with random guys for a on the side fling, they are just trying to meet new friends.
When they have a baby and don't really know who the daddy she just tries to pin the baby on the guy that happens to,have the most money to pay for their child support. She claims she is "1000000% sure" that guy is the daddy when it could be at least 5 other guys' baby.
I think gaggle is a new word for foursomes by looking at the photograph. We all know she is going to get tagged team by those three guys.
All lonely single men should promote this book vehemently. It effectively triples the number of available females to date.
I'm saddened by this article. It encourages my generation of single women to settle for mediocrity and embrace being shallow. Great advice if you want to be a woman who toys with men and squanders relationships in order to make up for the process WAITING for the right person who isn't a temporary fix. Women who fit this description sound like the perfect (read: terrible) counterpart to the increasing population of upper 20-30 year old men too busy playing video games to grow up or settle down. I hope women choose to maintain some semblance of self respect and refuse to adapt the lifestyle this gaggle idea presents.
And what exactly is wrong with video games? I am a 30+ successful individual who far prefers the interactivity of playing video games after work to the mind-numbing process of watching TV. Games and the people who play them are more proliferate than they have ever been, and this cross section of the population will only continue to explode with both men and women. I agree, there are a lot of weird, slouchy go-nowhere-in-life's that still live at home and have grown fat drinking Monster and eating potato chips all day. But, the majority of people who are gamers are not like that at all. So, if you shut the door on a guy just because he loves to talk about games, you are effectively cutting yourself off from a huge swath of the male population that is intelligent, successful, and would be great for someone who is willing to see past the insulting blanket-statement, generalized viewpoint you just threw out here.
@gooby pls I guess I read this comment as more of a generalization with this is mind (http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/23/health/living-well/demise-of-guys/index.html ). More the type that you described (potato chip eating sort). I have a lot of awesome guy friends that enjoy gaming. When it prevents them from action in life or socialization –that's when it becomes an issue.
I completely agree. I was appalled by this article. Waiting sucks, but trying to piece together a relationship from different men just seems like settling. I don't think anyone would feel respected or appreciated if the situation were reversed, they'd feel hurt and used. I think another danger here stems from books and movies illustrating these perfect, happily-ever-after relationships with two people who are halves to a whole. That isn't reality, people aren't perfect, you aren't and the man you're hoping for won't be either. But that's real love, choosing to see past the flaws and ugliness, and accept the good with the bad. Hand picking just the good things is a shallow way of living. There's no depth, no growth, only fickle instant-gratification which has the potential to be mediocre at best.
The woman described in this article sounds like a "user"... a selfish person who *uses* people for their own end. Ill pass on this.
Did a vivid girl write this article?
A nice looking young woman can do anything she wants. Unfortunately she can't do it with me. I only deal with real women or should I say women who keep it real.
It might be me, but isn't it supposed to be written as "... start thinking in terms of one too many." Or did they mean one girl to many guys? So basically she dates a lot of guys at once or something else at once.
That was then, this is now – it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many.
No thank you. If I wanted to end up lonely, bitter, and loose the respect of people who love and care about me, I'd follow the advice in this book. Since when does joining the guy losers who can't commit to a relationship seem like a good idea. Great idea to know guys and have guy friends but once you move on to a relationship, the other guy friends are going to have to be backed off because a boyfriend will get all primal. Juggleing multiple partners? Seriously? Ruining a potential great friendship by jumping between the sheets or acting like a guy who wants one thing then back to his sports, buddies, or truck. What stupid advice...
eat me cnn
Oh now it posts? Man. Come on.
Sigh, the whole "gaggle" crowd isn't really my thing. To me, people destroy their own lives by not committing, but hey, if you want to psychologically and morally put a gun to your head who am I to stop you? I've dated a few great girls, sequentially, and am still holding out for the right match. I'm very close I can tell you that. My "list" is now pretty clear and my last girlfriend was fantastic. I treated her with respect and she is still a great friend. Oh yeah – by the way – I'm still a virgin.
Is it just me or does this strike anyone else as tremendously unfair? "Use others to make you happy, don't worry about them as people with feelings.' What kind of person wants your leftovers? worst.advice.ever.
Anyone remember "Open Marriage", that famous book from 1972? After the co-authors got divorced Nena O'Neill admitted that their data was flawed and that jealousies of "unexpected bitterness" developed. Does any guy really want to be a "gaggler"?
This is the dumbest article ever.
I'm 50, and got back on the dating scene about six years ago...
I could not agree more with this article. The funny thing is, once you have a "gaggle" you come across as more self-confident. Once you come across as more self-confident, sensual, non-clingy.. men suddenly get more serious about you!
I went from going on dates and getting stood up to telling several men that "it just wouldn't work out" when they wanted to get more serious.
Now, I'm engaged to a great guy, and I think that's partly because I didn't come across as a needy, middle aged woman when I met him.
One last thing, there is a downside. The dudes you "gaggle' with today are, at some point, probably going to get serious with someone and not be your "gaggle mate" anymore, because that's just human nature. I have found it's a fine balance between having the fun of the "gaggle" and knowing when to quit (if you want to, that is!)
I think the self-confidence and independence are important. Many men are afraid to marry somone who cannot support herself because it is not easy supporting a wife and kids on one salary these days.
Anyway, how you arrive to self-confidence is different for everyone. You can find it by yourself, not through other people. I had the same issue – guys passing me for prettie, flashier girls. So , in the end, I decided – you know what, I don't need any of you, shallow and untrustworthy. I can live well on my own. If you are not serious I am not even going to notice you. Guys started falling all over me shortly after that. It turns out they didn't want to marry someone who was pretty, they wanted to marry someone who is stong and independent. I had 4 marriage proposals in 5 years before I accepted one.
I bet the author's wife is a gaggler, just saying.
Greeaat Advice: Welcome to the 21st century – the selfishness works on so many levels, not just relationally.
Better to be single then get involved / all emotionally worked up by this. Since it's not my world, it's not my fight.
I date women who put other people first, just as I aspire to.
very nice article. women should be out there dating many guys at the same time. I will go with the one who can unleash her emotional baggage on the first, her financial imbalance on the second, her travel and entertainment on the third and sex with me..hoho!
This sounds like an excellent way to hollow out your soul and break your own heart while telling yourself you are a modern woman who's having a fabulous time. If any other ladies think this is the way to be, and they really truly feel it makes them happy, then more power to them. But I know exactly how I would feel after living this kind of life for a while– empty inside and craving real attachment.
Well sloppy seconds is better than sloppy thirds, fourths, fifths or sixths......
In other words, you need to be HOE! The woman who wrote this book needs some help!
If there is a gaggle of men luring one woman, not one of them is looking to settle down with her and probably only there to screw her. If thats what she wants, then I think its perfectly fine and valid. Just dont go complaining there are no good men out there. Good men dont go in bunch looking to screw the same woman, so a gaggle friendly woman wont be seeing them in a mile atleast. Its like enjoying one glass a whine, a whole bottle you wont be able to tell the difference after a while.
The nonsense of this article makes me only appreciate my wife more
In reality, one of the primary reasons a chick wants a "gaggle" of men is so A) She never has to pay for dinner; B) she will be constantly drenched in new clothing, flowers, jewelry, perfume; purses C) ande taken on lavish trips all for an hour or so on her back.
You forgot shoes....
Sounds like what women do already, but condoning this behavior is just going to create a monster.....a terrible needy, shallow monster who is likely to never be satisfied once she settles into a relationship.
Just what women need and should hear in the land of excess. "More is better..."
If you want to hang out with a bunch of guys, none of whom you take seriously, expect not to be taken seriously. Also expect them to slide off to other women looking for a "gaggle" of men once they're tired of you.
This is the fastest way I have ever heard for a girl to lose (or never have a chance to even start with) a good guy. If someone is worth your interest they are worth your exclusive interest. Playing BS games like these will only get a girl a very bad reputation, not a good guy.