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June 14th, 2012
08:46 AM ET
Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of menIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
That was then, this is now - it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many. In other words? Stop searching for Mr. Right and look around at all the Mr Right(s). According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman - single or not - should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life. “You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” explains Massa. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.” The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus. “As a woman, having a gaggle provides you with a love life full of possibility: you have many men in your life, in many ambiguous but enriching ways, who are all teaching you about yourself and your needs and desires and leading you closer to the guy and relationship you want,” say Massa and Wiegand. Terri Trespicio, a New York-based dating and relationship coach who is single herself, exuberantly extols the “uncoupled state” and takes things a step further: If you’re happily single but enjoy dating, she recommends seeing three different men regularly. “When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.” Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs - maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third - which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots. “This can also help you worry less about whether or not someone is your ‘match’,” says Trespicio, “and shifts your focus to the sheer joy of connecting with other people.” Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates - and practice safe sex - there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person. Just as different people can serve different roles outside of bed, so too, can they satisfy different needs between the sheets. In their groundbreaking book, "The Ethical Slut," Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy describe the ways in which single women (and men) can juggle multiple sexual partners and enjoy intimacy safely and “ethically." Marriage is wonderful for many, but it’s not the right choice for everyone. Whether you’re sexually intimate with more than one person or simply enjoying a variety of friendships and dates, one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number. Say Massa and Wiegand: “We are living in a post-dating world because traditional dating is no longer the most common path that people are following to romantically connect and fall in love. And the more that women judge themselves and their relationships by traditional dating standards that no longer exist, the more they are going to feel an unnecessary despair and confusion and hold themselves back from finding love in this new romantic landscape.” So go forth and gaggle! soundoff (1,429 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 Next »Leave a Reply to Nat Strafaci
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If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about “The Rules” and stop worrying that “He’s just not that into you.” 
I find this piece disturbing from a public health perspective because of the disinformation it is spreading. The concept of "safe sex" doesn't actually exist. That term should be discarded in favor of the more accurate "safeR sex." Herpes and HPV, which can cause warts, cervical cancer, and in rare instances throat or penile cancer, are only two of many conditions that can be transmitted sexually even with a condom. A condom reduces the risk of transmission but these viruses are transmitted via skin to skin contact even when the carrier is not exhibiting symptoms. The CDC reports that one in two sexually active adults will at one point have HPV and one in six carry the herpes simplex virus type 2 (genital herpes) and these things are typically underreported. You do the math.
Anal sex is the best form or birth control
I grew up in the sixties and seventies, I f 'ed more women than I can count and I didn't end up with any STD's. I was so glad when it was over.
We were all crazy and lucky
if certain Mormons and Muslims can have more than one wife, then why can't women have more than one husband?? i think it's a great idea.
I think sex should be as casual as a handshake.
Are you Mormon or Muslim? Do you ACTUALLY think those relationships are good for everyone involved? I am a real man and I want 1wife to love, cherish, make smile and lift her up when she is down, and simply be her ROCK. Do you think you could give it the right amount of effort to do the same for more than one person? I dont think so
yeah, it's a great idea so long as you have guys that will put up with it. As a guy i would not tolerate a woman who keeps a "gaggle" of men around...that is to say I would only tolerate her so long as she gives it up. If you want more dedication, you should be prepared to be more dedicated yourself.
@commonsense2
"Do you think you could give it the right amount of effort to do the same for more than one person? "
I give 100% effort to whomever I am "loving" at the time. So the answer is: yes. 😉
It would work out great for many men, if you could keep up.
Great advice if you never want to find a man. If a guy you are interested in catches wind that you are going out with other guys he's probably not going to waste his time with you. If you are so utterly afraid of committment then don't date anyone at all – one night stands for the rest of your life.
Thank you, JT.
Nah, every guy wants to a girl full of every other guys stuff.
I actually agree.
This article completely objectifies men and doesn't even acknowledge that the guys might want to do something else besides be part of a (possibly secret?) 3+ some.
----
"The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus."
_______
It makes men sound like you're shopping for cereal. "Wheaties for breakfast and then Cocoa Puffs when you're sweet tooth acts up. If there's a prize inside, it's an added bonus!"
The author should be ashamed of herself for not acknowledging the men's half of the relationship.
So true. What guy would want to waste his time and money on a girl that has her heart some where else. I remember a lady at my office who dated this guy at college and she was going on a second date with another guy. And while at the restaurant the first guy finds her with the second guy and breaks the relationship right away in front of everyone. Now the second guy is so embarrassed that he walks away as well. All the result of "gaggling" advice she got from a so called "expert" that showed up on Oprah.
Look, lets just call it what it is: a twisted perversion of women's liberation
"Sorry, I can't hang out tonight I'll be skyping with my ex-bf for a few hours"
I'm not sure how many guys would stay around if this line got brought up. The author seems to live in a fantasy world where they can imagine if guys/girls only wanted a little investment from each other. This is never the case, ever.
Evidently none of the guys posting to this article understand what being honest really means. Its a shame to hear how short sighted these postings are. If she is being honest with you, then you KNOW she is seeing other people. If you are being honest with her then she knows if you are at that same point in your life or looking for more. Period.
Agreed!
There are SO many guys doing the same exact thing, so...good for women. Some people are making it sound like every guy is looking for a relationship when that is completely not true. The woman should be honest, but, just ike guys, probably aren't. Tthe guys shouldn't be oblivious and naiive thinking they are the only one either, until she want sot hang out with you all the time. Wrap it up with anyone you're with, and enjoy.
Please JT it's not hard to find a man who doesn't want to be in a relationship and naturally those are the men who should be in your circle because you both want the same thing to remain free & single. Majority of men don't want to share that is why they have a problem with this method they want to have their cake and eat it too. Perpetuate the double standard of men with many women and women with only one man.
Perfect, encourage the Ladies to let any number of Guys toss it in them. We need more dead beat dads and unwed single mothers feeding off the Government teat.
yeah, I think this concept of "the gaggle" has been going on for the past 10 years or so.
This is exactly why I need to get reelected – so we can take money from the evil consultants, bankers, managers, and middle-managers who work for big/evil corporations and hand it off to single women and their gaggling men
In my America, there is no finance, there are no rich, no corporations. We are all single mothers and deadbeat fathers living welfare-check to welfare-check
Well...not if you explore other,um...holes,er,"options"!
Why do they have to be having sex news flash just because you are spending time with someone doesn't mean you are sleeping with him. Women are used to saying no and definitely know how to it's pretty easy to say no to sex. The think married women have mastered the art of saying no to your husband for sex. That is why so many faithful men are miserable and the no good men cheat. Excuse me but men are the only pathetic species that need to pay, beg, rape/take, lie, cheat and steal for sex women don't need to all we need to do is smile and show you are interested. It's pathetic the amount of men that flirt and want to have sex with me. I have lost respect for men years ago and from the look of the politician and sports stars wife I am right.
#1 RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE SUCCESS SECRET: SERVE EACH OTHER
A WOMEN WHO PERFECTS HER "TRIPOD", CULTIVATES HER SELF-CENTEREDNESS WHICH GOES AGAINST THE NATURE OF FRIENDSHIPS/RELATIONSHIPS/MARRIAGE. YOU WANNA BE HAPPY? DON'T BE SELF-CENTERED.
I want to know where she got her doctorate from? Shame~
probably someplace in brazil.
she prolly got her Dr from a nasty third world country
If she has this gaggle, before you kiss her, ask her to gargle.
I have met many women who fit this article or this authors view on relationships, and I love them all. Just understand that you are for hook up purposes only (and when I'm working I will use your desire for attention to attract guys, get them to waste all their money on drinks and secure that I will have the same gig next weekend (djing)
You will never meet my family and I have found out within 15 minutes of talking with you that you are only for a fun night and not an option for a serious relationship. The great thing is that a serious relationship really isn't what the party girl wants anyway. She is simple, the fact that she can go out with not a dollar on her and drink and drug for free all night secures her need of fellings of self worth and importance.
Getting behind the rope in the VIP section while her friends stand on the other side, mimicking a puppy who stands under your feet while you eat a hamburger, makes her feel special and for giving her this example of I'm better and hotter than you to all her friends means that she will do anything and everything you want her to do later on.
Jesus is the answer. He is the ONLY way to the Fathe in Heaven. Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, repent, obey and be saved!
yeah, but can he cook breakfast in the morning?
Oh shut up, go thump a bible elsewhere.
If jesus is the answer, it must have been a incredibly stupid question.
What is a Fathe?
but will jesus pound me to orgasm like the 3 guys in the pic would?
Okay, but will I get laid?
Oh lordy
Stupid Person
I have def been parts of many a woman's gaggles before. Obviously, some roles are better than others.
Sounds like the begining of a Maury Povich episode..."YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER....YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER...YOU (guy number 3)...ARE THE FATHER..."
Oh snap!
I agree with everything he said, except the multiple sex partners. Intimacy does not always have to involve sex and it is good to share different levels of intimacy and love with multiple members of the opposite sex.
Physical intimacy is more enjoyable when it is the natural extension of emotional intimacy.
This article should be called "How To Alienate Good Men and Die Alone."
No one, male or female, wants to be part of a "gaggle". It's a slap in the face to the higher-minded of us who actually understand and value intimacy and partnership.
You're absolutely right. I knew one girl (and I call her a girl even though she was in her 20s, because that's how she behaved) who had three boyfriends. As she described it, one for sex, one for dates, one to buy her stuff. None of them knew about the others, and she just leeched on them for her selfish needs. After finding this out, I avoided her like the plague. It would not surprise me if she actually WAS diseased, of course. If a woman treated me like this, I would drop her instantly, as I'm sure almost any man would. I'm sure it's fun for the woman while it lasts, but when she loses her looks or the word on her gets out, she'll find herself very alone for a very long time.
Hear Hear!
If this was geared toward men, it would be confirmation that we are all pigs and selfish b@stards.
Exactly.
Seems to me that if you need a "gaggle" , you yourslef is so empty inside you need all these people to fill your life. No , I don't want 5 boyfriends, not even 2. Sometimes just 1 husband and 2 kids are too much. Sometimes I just want an hour to be me and not anybody else.
It takes a lot of men to fill a big hole.
Amen with your response!!!!
Yuck. What is the world coming to?
LOL. Too bad that this completely ignores male nature. We aren't interested in sharing a woman with other men. And we're not going to spend endless hours comiserating with a woman if she doesn't – bluntly – put out.
This is great... I need to increase my gaggle!
This is the biggest pile of garbage I've read in years. You advocate such a life? After reading this I came away with a single word: selfishness.
Committed relationships take hard work, so opt for the easy way out!
Or the fun way. Didn't you read? Not everyone is cut out for marriage or a monogamous relationship. As long as those people realize that they could end up with no one by choosing that lifestyleway, then so be it. People are so quick to judge. Not everyone is exactly the same or wired the same, nor do they have to follow some 'relationship code.'
One thing this forgets to mention is that the woman will have to do this with guys that are below her level of attractiveness. No guy will fill only partial roles for a woman that is his equel or below in looks. So she can easily get herself a gaggle but they will be with either less attractive guys or married guys.
Pass on the gaggles, if men and women can handle doing that then more power to em but I'll settle for one woman in my life if I ever find one.
Ian Kerner,
you are spending too much time in college with 18 year olds, watching too much day time drama.
This has to be some of the worst advice I've read for anyone single or not. This is far from how the world works these days and most people I know who try this route end up constantly searching for life, love and when they find someone and then keep looking for another they wind up messing it up with both of them and have to start the process over again and again.
Its like people who jump from job to job......all work will not be great all the time, but you suck it up and overtime love the work and or find new work......same for relationship, you cant just get your sad time with john, bondage with chad and slow wine cheese fire love with bob and not expect john to throw bob in the fire and hell, maybe chad likes sad talk too.........now friends are important, but this is not what you seam to be saying. You are talking about friends with extras and this is why people go crazy because woman like this, who just mess around and each guy is thinking he is "the one" when really she only wants a part and just right then.
Ian Kerner, stop what you are doing and go learn to cook or something.....you are pathetic and just trying to get a rise from readers.
I actually have a gaggle of men but I don't use the word gaggle more like a Olympic relay team. Before any want to call me a wh..ore or h..oe let me tell you this I was completely and utterly loyal & faithful to both of my ex-fiancé until I found out the 1st have got another women pregnant while I was pregnant and the 2nd one got the women pregnant then married her but took me on the honeymoon. So after that you darn right I have a relay team that pass the baton to the next runner. This includes my sports fanatic I attend sporting events and travel, the gay guys who doubles as my stylist & psychologist, the mechanic that maintenance my car, and the last guy who I'm sexually attracted to and fulfills my needs this is the special one because he is the only one I'm intimate. I truly believe if the man you are with is completely filling your needs there would be no need to sleep with someone else and you body wouldn't allow it well at least mine's don’t. After what I have been through I dont' care what people say cause their deed may be much worse.
some men cheat because they're cheaters, and others cheat becuase their women are useless. I see a pattern here with your men.
Love this comment. It's nice to hear from a woman instead of a close minded male!
team that pass the baton
lol
This is awful advice. And how long before the "Gaggle" rom-com movie comes out starring Ben Affleck, Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Anniston, and Mila Kunis?
It's already out...it's called p0rn...lol
Plenty of movies about this have already been made, just google three-way. You'll need to turn the safe search feature off.
The author is probably looking for long term business she might get from people taking her advice seriously. and after the therapy sessions may be she will start promoting anti depression drugs to fix it.
Remember, the more you toss it around, the more it depreciates....think of that when you are gaggling.
you've got to shake it if you want to keep it fresh. -Red Hot Chilly Peppers-
I believe this could work for a woman trying to find what the right guy is for her. This should definitely not be the standard approach as it is all together unattractive and not a healthy lifestyle for the longterm. It sounds more suitable for the city dwelling socialite who wants to live the typical single in the city lifestyle. Also, as safe as you can be is still just playing roulette with an STD as the number of partners increase.
I don't see how encouraging women to cultivate shallow relationships is supposed to be liberating, but that's just me.
I totally agree.
Don't tell her, single guys love these kinds of women.
Female baggers and birthers prefer to be surrounded by a gaggle of their first cousins.
gawd, labels and politics.
Always one tool that wants to make ANY article about politics. Well you win gan, you are the tool of the day.
..and the National Socialist Obama bot Maddow females prefer a gagle of women who all look like Elvis Costello.
So basically women are supposed to surround themselves by a bunch of beta males who want to "share" her. Sack up guys!
This article is a perfect recipe for a tragic life....
Figures, i was too young for the first period of "free love" and now i'm married and too old for the 2nd coming of it, sigh, can't catch a break!!!
Awesome lets make the 21st century woman even more unclassy!!!
amen brother, there starting to all look like 10 miles of bad road
If you're one of the "guys", understand that the whoa is bangin all 3.
Gaggle =Group of guys who throw money at a girl and give her attention because of her low self esteem.
Larger groups do seem to be the new norm for young people who have more but weaker friendships held together by social networking, but once you get into your 30's, you don't have time to keep so many plates spinning. You want one person you talk with, see movies with, are physically intimate with, raise a child with. There's a reason that marriage has remained basically the same, and popular with both genders, for hundreds if not thousands of years. It works, it seems to be natural to pair monogamously, at least for several years at a time. These new relationship structures are passing fads.
Divorce rates remain the same too. What's your point?
This article clearly isn't about marriage, but I must interject that marriage has NOT remained the same for thousands of years. Marriage has changed. Marriage is a social construct that varies greatly from one culture to the next. In polyandrous societies, marriage between one woman and many men is the norm. In some matriarchal cultures, no one ever marries. The great lesson for our own culture is that marriage is what we make it.
Dating multiple guys at once is fine, until you find the guy you're compatible with...I could usually decide if I liked a girl within 2 dates...after that I'd find out if being exclusive was something she's interested in, if not...moving right along...life it too short to be dragged along by someone who's undecided...you'll never find the perfect person, just someone who's better than most...
so glad someone in here has a brain and is open minded about this.
Seems ok if you are in the 21-29 age group. After 30 a girl w/ a gaggle of guys is ....ummm......well you know....and a guy with a gaggle of girls is.......ummmm.........gay?........player?.....Hugh Hefner ?.....being young allows one to experiment......unfortunately time waits for no one.
Rediculous advice. What self-respecting guy is going to knowingly share a woman he cares about??
This article is disgusting.
Yeah, those guys are getting a great deal out of that. Especially the ones permanently "friend zoned". The other friends "With Benefits" will surely never tire of sloppy seconds or thirds. Good luck with that.
So basically the advice given here is to be selfish and use men. I'm sure the guy being used for cuddling or movies and then being walked on won't feel jealous, hurt and used! Why republish the words of a selfish user who thinks of nothing but her own needs?
Be ready to settle for the cuddle-guy. The men with self esteem are going to enjoy the casual sex and move on.
As a recently wed woman, I find this concept disturbing. Especially the "single or not" part.
"According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman – single or not – should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life."
Yes, I've had my own gaggle of men. But I realize that having vested interest in multiple men only made me unable to truly dedicate myself to a man deserving of my full attention. It was only when I discarded the notion that I needed multiple men in my life to validate my attractiveness, desirability, or femininity that I was able to recognize a truly good man. And I wouldn't think of turning to another man to validate me now (even in a non-sexual manner)...somehow that seems like a betrayal.
"gaggle" is what this ginch will do when I stuff my....
Glad I'm not young and single. This is screwed up.
Proud to say I practice this. I am not a party girl, I am just a woman that keeps her options open when finding the right person for me. I have never been sexual or even intimate while gaggling but I do date around and find a different niche for each man. I'm proud I can date around and find the right person before entering into a committed relationship instead of getting into a relationship with the wrong person and then feeling that temptation to cheat or dump them because of MY mistake.
From a guy's perspective and...a serious adult's, I find the approach recommended to women as frivolous. I tend to agree with JT who commented that a guy is more-than-likely to not want to be part of a woman's "stable" of men, especially when he finds out that he is part of a "playlist". .
A "gaggle" of men as friends is more apt to make sense when women are in their early twenties and not later on in life. No self-respecting guy is going take any women serious who doesn't know the meaning of the word "commitment". That guy is also not going to want to play "second fiddle" to any other guy....Sure, many women employ the "gaggle" approach because of their looks/body/etc and a natural tendency to gravitate towards the opposite sex. Still, every guy is going to want to be number one....
Gals gaggle. Guys gaggle. Gays gaggle. Absolute, commitment-free sexual freedom for everyone. Circle of friends gaggling with everyone. Kids learning the finer ways to gaggle from their gaggling mom and dad. . Genius! What a wonderful world!
So women should give up on the idea that they can find what they need from one partner and just delegate the tasks to multiple men?
I'd like to see the reaction to an article saying the same thing about guys. Should I have a girl that manages my finances and massages my feet, another that bears and takes care of my kids and a young, perky girl for my sex life?
Awful, awful piece. It's embarrassing to read on something that isn't Cosmo.
Guys don't want to share a woman anymore than girls want to share a guy with other girls. Each side feels threatened. I guess if I see any women reading "The Gaggle" it will be a red flag to "steer clear!"
Tell 'em, Chris!!!! This is NOT Cosmo.
Can you imagine your daughter reading this and feeling liberated. We need to teach our children about self respect and dignity. Sex isn't a bad thing, but needing different men to "fulfill" certaini roles rubs me the wrong way. Therapy will be needed for those women who actually take this to heart.
If she can "gaggle" she's experimenting, if he "gaggles" he's a playa and is unfaithful...let's not make it a double standard...
Thank you!!!! I feel the exact same way.