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Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of men
June 14th, 2012
08:46 AM ET

Every woman needs a 'gaggle' of men

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.

If you’re a single woman and you’re looking for love, forget about “The Rules” and stop worrying that “He’s just not that into you.”

That was then, this is now - it’s a post-dating world you’re living in, and that means you have to shed your one-to-one mind-set and start thinking in terms of one to many.

In other words? Stop searching for Mr. Right and look around at all the Mr Right(s).

That’s the premise of "The Gaggle," a new book from Jessica Massa, who, along with Rebecca Wiegand, runs the website “WTF Is Up With My Love Life?!

According to Massa and Wiegand, every woman - single or not - should have her own gaggle, a group of guys that occupy different roles in her life.

“You probably have a gaggle of friends, who all play different roles and fulfill different needs for you,” explains Massa. “You might call one friend to go shopping versus another friend when you’re upset versus another friend when you need a serious professional opinion. Your romantic gaggle is just another piece of the much larger, long-term puzzle of how you structure the relationships in your life to feel full, happy and loved.”

The men in this gaggle can include anyone from the barista you flirt with, to the ex-boyfriend you Skype, to the work buddy you commiserate with over lunch. Whether you end up dating one or more of them is just an added bonus.

“As a woman, having a gaggle provides you with a love life full of possibility: you have many men in your life, in many ambiguous but enriching ways, who are all teaching you about yourself and your needs and desires and leading you closer to the guy and relationship you want,” say Massa and Wiegand.

Terri Trespicio, a New York-based dating and relationship coach who is single herself, exuberantly extols the “uncoupled state” and takes things a step further: If you’re happily single but enjoy dating, she recommends seeing three different men regularly.

“When you date just one guy, you might feel pressured to commit, even if you’re not ready,” she says. “If you see two men, there’s often this unspoken need to choose between them. But three guys tend to balance each other out, like a tripod.”

Like the “Gaggle," these three men can fulfill different needs - maybe you like to see movies with one, travel with another and cuddle with a third - which removes the burden of one man to fill all those slots.

“This can also help you worry less about whether or not someone is your ‘match’,” says Trespicio, “and shifts your focus to the sheer joy of connecting with other people.”

Nor does being single have to equal celibate. Your gaggle may well include ex-boyfriends, hot sex prospects, and perhaps even a cuddle-guy. It’s your love-life, so do it your way. As long as you’re open and honest with your dates - and practice safe sex - there’s no reason why you can’t be intimate with more than one person.

Just as different people can serve different roles outside of bed, so too, can they satisfy different needs between the sheets. In their groundbreaking book, "The Ethical Slut," Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy describe the ways in which single women (and men) can juggle multiple sexual partners and enjoy intimacy safely and “ethically."

Marriage is wonderful for many, but it’s not the right choice for everyone. Whether you’re sexually intimate with more than one person or simply enjoying a variety of friendships and dates, one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number.

Say Massa and Wiegand: “We are living in a post-dating world because traditional dating is no longer the most common path that people are following to romantically connect and fall in love. And the more that women judge themselves and their relationships by traditional dating standards that no longer exist, the more they are going to feel an unnecessary despair and confusion and hold themselves back from finding love in this new romantic landscape.”

So go forth and gaggle!


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  45. Bridget Helen

    Love is beautiful when you have someone to share it with. And Dr. Ekpen ogiogun is a true sorcerer and a very unique and powerful man of wisdom. I couldn't get pregnant because he had fertility problems. My husband divorced me because of this. I was so worried and always crying and even thinking about killing myself, but a friend of mine introduced me to a great man named Dr. Ekpen ogiogun, who also helped her with her problem. She gave me her email and I contacted him and explained everything to him. He assured me that he will help me and I shouldn't worry. Dr. Ekpen ogiogun brought joy to my life and family again, bringing my husband back to me with his spiritual powers, making me pregnant, curing my sister's cancer, also curing my cousin's HIV virus with his special powers, and he also made my stepbrother win the $ 2 million lottery. Dr. Ekpen ogiogu is really a talented, incredible and very good man who really knows how to do his ogiogunr job and if it weren't for him, what would my life be like? Dr. Ekpen ogiogun thank you very much and I will never stop talking about his great achievements. Words cannot express how good you have done for me and my family and I believe that even a thousand words will not be enough to describe your good and great works. If you need spiritual help, why not run to Dr. Ekpen ogiogun? just get in touch with Dr. Ekpen ogiogun in your email: (ekpenogiogunspellcaster@gmail.com) And he will help you. Dr. Ekpen ogiogun is harmless, safe and reliable, so contact him now and get your solution. Thank you, Dr. Ekpen ogiogun, your WhatsApp +2347045604010. ekpenogiogunspellcaster@gmail.com

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  47. Joyce Bang

    This year has been so blissful to me for God has given me a reason to live happily again after been heart broken for 3 months when my husband neglected me and went back to he's mistress. I suffered and went through all types of emotional tortures for I couldn't get any help to get my man back not until I was refereed to Lord Zakuza by my co-worker who gave me her full assurance about him that he can be of help to me. I got in touch with Lord Zakuza and I hearken to his words and followed the instructions given to me by him. Could you believe that my husband got back home within 48 hours as said by him and today, my marriage is restored & I'm so thankful, appreciative & grateful to God for using Lord Zakuza to get my man back after 3 months of broken marriage. Is there anyone out there who needs to get back to he's or her lover back or needs any help of any kind? Then, I suggest that you get in touch with Lord Zakuza now through his Email ID: Lordzakuza7@gmail.com or WhatsApp him on + 1 (740) 573–9483 and for more information, here's his website: lordzakuzaspells.com

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  48. meyers brown

    WHAT A MIRACLE...No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m writing  would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker)whom DR BALBOSA have helped in getting back her ex..she also told me that DR BALBOSA is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person and also like a father to her...My name is Meyers Brown and I am from the USA... My love life was in shambles, I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and did not know what to do again, so i got in contact with DR BALBOSA. He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me and this time my husband came back with so much love,It was one of the best things I have ever done i am the happiest woman on earth and I am filled with so much joy and happiness because my marriage is saved. we are now very much happy with ourselves. DR BALBOSA is for REAL and for good. He can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back in just 48 hours! It was a miracle. we’re doing very well in our love life...if you have a similar issue don't hesitate to contact him on his
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  49. meyers brown

    WHAT A MIRACLE...No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m writing  would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker)whom DR BALBOSA have helped in getting back her ex..she also told me that DR BALBOSA is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person and also like a father to her...My name is Meyers Brown and I am from the USA... My love life was in shambles, I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and did not know what to do again, so i got in contact with DR BALBOSA. He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me and this time my husband came back with so much love,It was one of the best things I have ever done i am the happiest woman on earth and I am filled with so much joy and happiness because my marriage is saved. we are now very much happy with ourselves. DR BALBOSA is for REAL and for good. He can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back in just 48 hours! It was a miracle. we’re doing very well in our love life...if you have a similar issue don't hesitate to contact him on his
    WEBSITE: https://balbosasolutionhome.com
    EMAIL on:: balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com
    WHATSAPP AND CALL: +1(206) 485-3691

    May 29, 2021 at 05:31 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. meyers brown

    WHAT A MIRACLE...No one could have ever made me believe that the letter I’m writing  would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker)whom DR BALBOSA have helped in getting back her ex..she also told me that DR BALBOSA is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person and also like a father to her...My name is Meyers Brown and I am from the USA... My love life was in shambles, I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn't face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and did not know what to do again, so i got in contact with DR BALBOSA. He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me and this time my husband came back with so much love,It was one of the best things I have ever done i am the happiest woman on earth and I am filled with so much joy and happiness because my marriage is saved. we are now very much happy with ourselves. DR BALBOSA is for REAL and for good. He can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back in just 48 hours! It was a miracle. we’re doing very well in our love life...if you have a similar issue don't hesitate to contact him on his
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    EMAIL on:: balbosasolutionhome@gmail.com
    WHATSAPP AND CALL: +1(206) 485-3691

    GOOD LUCK

    May 29, 2021 at 05:36 | Report abuse | Reply
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