home
RSS
Are you sexually intelligent?
March 1st, 2012
10:46 AM ET

Are you sexually intelligent?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.

What are the qualities that make a truly great lover?

Is it about being able to swing from chandeliers or knowing every page of the “Kama Sutra” by heart? Or are there deeper qualities to being “good in bed” that speak more to the spirit of our actions than their substance?

In his new book, “Sexual Intelligence," Marty Klein, Ph.D – a renowned sex therapist with more than 30 years of experience – challenges readers to think about their sex lives as though they suddenly woke up in Russia tomorrow, without any knowledge of the language and only a handful of rubles in their pockets.

“To figure out what to do, you’d need more than knowledge – you would need intelligence,” he writes. “You’d need the ability to figure out what questions to ask, how to find people who can help you, how to make decisions in a different culture, and so on.

“That’s what sexual intelligence is like – not the ability to be great in bed, or to function the way you did when you were 22. Rather, sexual intelligence is expressed in the ability to create and maintain desire in a situation that’s less than perfect or comfortable; the capacity to adapt to your changing body; curiosity and open-mindedness about the meaning of pleasure, closeness, and satisfaction; and the ability to adjust when things don’t go as expected.”

Klein builds on his premise of sexual intelligence by offering us a beguilingly simple equation: sexual intelligence = information + emotional skills + body awareness.

Accurate information is indeed crucial. Many of us get our sexual information from all the wrong sources.

Young men too often rely on porn and tall tales of the locker room, or on the responses of women who are all-too willing to fake it rather than put their true desires in the foreground; whereas women often rely on the sound bytes that proliferate talk shows.

In terms of emotional skills, as I discussed in last week’s column, being able to communicate empathetically and honestly with a sexual partner is paramount, but many of us resign ourselves to sex lives of quiet desperation.

And I agree with Klein’s calculus that only by adding body awareness – not just of your own body, but also of your partner’s – can you hope to become truly sexually intelligent.

In my experience as a sex counselor, one way of cultivating all three of these qualities at once with a partner is through the practice of sensate focus exercises.

Developed by sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, these exercises, as the name implies, emphasize the focus on physical sensations.

In sensate focus, sex is initially taken off the table for couples, and then gradually reintroduced, one aspect at time, through a gradual process of touching, connection, and awareness, during which each partner takes turns as giver and receiver.

The object of these exercises is for partners to develop a heightened sense of sexual self-awareness and a keener understanding of what feels good to their partner.

People change. Relationships change. Why shouldn’t sex? And yet it’s the natural changes of the sexual life cycle that so many couples in long-term relationships find bedeviling — and that’s another reason why sexual intelligence is so important.

In her international best-seller “Mating in Captivity,” therapist and intellectual provocateur Esther Perel encourages readers to cultivate “erotic intelligence” and reconcile the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious and awe-inspiring.

“We are born sensuous; we become erotic. To cultivate the erotic is also to engage with sexuality as a quality of aliveness and vitality that extend beyond a mere repertoire of sexual techniques. We learn to play, be curious, engage with our imagination, anticipate. Erotic intelligence is our ability to bring novelty to the enduring, mystery to the familiar, and surprise to the known.”

Both Klein and Perel have authored important works that are not only apt for people of all ages, but can remain relevant on our bookshelves (or digital readers) throughout our lives as we age and adapt.

“Sexual intelligence is useful in different ways at different times of our life,” writes Klein. “In our 20s, in exploring the sexual world; in our 30s, in bonding with a partner and establishing a sexual rhythm; in our 40s, in tolerating and adapting to change; in our 50s, in saying goodbye to youthful sex; in our 60s and beyond, in creating a new sexual style,” writes Klein.

Now that’s really smart.

Post by:
Filed under: Relationships • Sex

soundoff (966 Responses)
  1. Gary Salminen

    I have seen a lot of blogs in blogspot. What purpose do they serve? Is it possible to make money through blogs. If yes how?.

    https://twitter.com/katekdesigns

    June 23, 2021 at 08:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. Local Marketing Companies

    Greetings! Very helpful advice in this particular article! It is the little changes that will make the biggest changes. Thanks for sharing!

    http://genki365.net/gnka01/common/redirect.php?url=http://consciousgrowthmarketing.com

    June 23, 2021 at 09:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. kids podcast

    I would like to thank you for the efforts you've put in writing this blog. I am hoping to check out the same high-grade content from you in the future as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my very own site now 😉

    http://explorethepowerjesus.org/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=www.backbonehunters.com/

    June 23, 2021 at 09:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Internet Marketing Consultants Near Me

    http://www.tecnygroup.org/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=consciousgrowthmarketing.com/

    June 23, 2021 at 10:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. ihop near me

    http://www.dorsten.de/Externer_Link.asp?ziel=https://bestshopnearme.com

    June 23, 2021 at 15:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Internet Marketing Businesses

    This website certainly has all the info I wanted about this subject and didnít know who to ask.

    http://chevrolised.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=orangecountysocialmediamarketingexperts.com

    June 23, 2021 at 15:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Google Marketing Services

    Your style is so unique in comparison to other people I've read stuff from. Many thanks for posting when you've got the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this page.

    http://www.piscinesvogue.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=curtismelancon.com

    June 23, 2021 at 17:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. mattress store near me

    http://content.ighome.com/Redirect.aspx?url=https://nearmyspot.com

    June 23, 2021 at 18:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. Social Media Marketing Business

    https://secure.saga.fi/TD_redirect_LK_NLI.aspx?url=https://internetmarketingnevada.com

    June 23, 2021 at 21:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Social Media Marketing Business

    http://www.purebank.net/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=13493&url=https://marketingpostfalls.com/

    June 23, 2021 at 22:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. Digital Marketing Business

    Having read this I thought it was extremely informative. I appreciate you finding the time and effort to put this information together. I once again find myself personally spending a lot of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worthwhile!

    http://spiralbrushes.us/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=getmoneysocial.com

    June 23, 2021 at 23:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Video Marketing Specialist

    Hello! I just want to give you a huge thumbs up for the great info you have here on this post. I'll be returning to your blog for more soon.

    http://noesisdata.info/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=lifebusinessfitness.com

    June 24, 2021 at 03:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. RV Repair Places Near Me

    https://svc.tds-live.com/manager/siteuser/redirector?ec=09/02/2017-Dreamon,faivolareituoisogniall’Isolad’Elba!&url=http://ocrvmotorsports.org/34zxVq8

    June 24, 2021 at 04:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. thethao90

    Coi Trực Tiếp Soccertường thuật trực tiếp việt nam thái lan Theo thể thức thi đấu, đội thắng ở cặp đấu này sẽ giành tấm vé đến Lithuania trong ngày hội bóng đá lớn nhất thế giới đến futsal. Tuyển futsal Việt Nam bước vào trận play-off lượt đi tranh vé dự play-off World Cup 2021 với sự tự tin. Tuy vậy, HLV Phạm Minh Giang bày tỏ, toàn đội ko ngán Lebanon tuy nhiên sẽ tìm cách để khắc chế sức mạnh của đối thủ bởi trên băng ghế huấn luyện là nhà cầm quân Ramiro Lopez, người từng dẫn dắt futsal Tây Ban Nha.|Dựa vào lịch thi đấu, bạn hoàn toàn có thể chuẩn bị xếp công việc

    https://virandoamor.com/detail/xem-vtv3-truc-tiep-hom-nay-95402.html

    June 24, 2021 at 04:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. RV Repair Places Near Me

    http://amyloraintrujillo.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrv.rocks

    June 24, 2021 at 05:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. RV Repair Near Here

    http://ml-ny.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrv.club

    June 24, 2021 at 06:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. wax dab

    What Is Dab Mat?http://ttlink.com/tag/collectornectarAll products intended for use with legal smoking/vaping mixtures only .

    https://www.posts123.com/user/833608/skatehope97

    June 24, 2021 at 07:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. casino trực tuyến

    Coi Thẳng Viettel Vs Tỉnh Bình Dương Tại V League 2021 Ở Kênh Nào? bet188Đội tuyển nước Việt Nam chỉ muốn một kết quả hòa có bàn thắng để lần loại hai góp mặt tại World Cup futsal. Nhưng, nhằm thực hiện được như vậy

    https://sshuebner.org/

    June 24, 2021 at 11:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. truc tiep bong da keo nha cai

    Trực Tiếp Soccer Thời Điểm Hôm Nay, Links Coi đá Bóng Trực Tuyến 24h đánh bài onlineĐội tuyển chọn nước ta chỉ cần thiết một kết quả hòa có bàn thắng nhằm lần thứ hai góp mặt trên World Cup futsal. Nhưng, nhằm thực hiện được như vậy

    https://novelinkblog.com/

    June 24, 2021 at 11:32 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. RV Body Repair Near Me

    http://bentlypressurizedbearing.net/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrv.rocks

    June 24, 2021 at 12:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. RV Repair Shop Near Me

    http://c2financialcorp.com/home/click.php?id=55&link=ocrvcenter.com/

    June 24, 2021 at 13:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. RV Air Conditioner Repair Near Me

    Good article. I absolutely love this website. Continue the good work!

    http://www.eventscloud.com/emarketing/go.php?i=200276927&e=c2ltb24udGhvbWxpbnNvbkBsZWFkZXJzaW5zcG9ydC5jb20=&l=ocrvcenter.com/

    June 24, 2021 at 14:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. casino 888

    Xem Trực Tiếp Viettel Vs Bình Dương Tại V League 2021 Ở Kênh Nào? best online casinoĐội tuyển futsal Việt Nam đã có được một trận đấu chấp nhận được trước phe đối lập đầy mức độ mạnh Lebanon. Kết quả Bà Rịa-Vũng Tàu vs Bình Phước thời điểm hôm nay 18h00 ngày 5/5, Hạng nhất nước ta.

    https://thisisthegreenroom.com/detail/xem-today-truc-tuyen-vtv1-104792.html

    June 24, 2021 at 15:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. RV Repair Garden Grove

    I seriously love your site.. Pleasant colors & theme. Did you make this amazing site yourself? Please reply back as Iím hoping to create my own website and would like to learn where you got this from or exactly what the theme is named. Kudos!

    https://webfg.com/contadores/mailClicks.php?mail=bolsaonline.publi@blogger.com&codigo=B_20151020_0&ban=P_201510630_0&url=http://ocrvcenter.com/

    June 24, 2021 at 21:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. RV Repair Near Me Now

    I was able to find good advice from your articles.

    http://blog.majide.org/h/out.php?id=yosogo&url=https://ocrvcenter.com

    June 24, 2021 at 22:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. rv body shop near me

    I quite like reading an article that will make people think. Also, thanks for allowing for me to comment!

    https://www.studyincanada.com/Tracking/WeblinkClicks.aspx?SchoolCode=uuccb07&ProfileType=University&LinkType=SocialLink2&RedirectURL=www.ocrvcenter.com/

    June 25, 2021 at 02:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. RV Brake Repair Near Me

    I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I certainly enjoyed every little bit of it. I have got you saved as a favorite to check out new things you postÖ

    https://www.pcbheaven.com/forum/index.php?thememode=full;redirect=https://ocrvcenter.com/

    June 25, 2021 at 03:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. lịch phát sóng vtv1 hôm nay

    Trực Tiếp Bóng Đá Việt Nam Vs Lebanon. Coi Truc Tiep Bong Da. Futsal Việt Namtrực tiếp htv7Xem đá bóng trực tuyến Trực tiếp Odd BK vs Sarpsborg, 20h ngày 24/5, giải VĐQG Na Uy. Xem lịch vạc sóng trực tiếp soccer EURO hôm nay được Webthethao update chủ yếu xác nhất.

    https://virandoamor.com/detail/bo-da-ngoai-hang-anh-fo4-66479.html

    June 25, 2021 at 10:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. RV Repair Santa Ana

    There's certainly a lot to find out about this topic. I love all the points you have made.

    https://de.paltalk.com/client/webapp/client/External.wmt?url=https://www.redtableeventdesign.blogspot.com/

    June 25, 2021 at 13:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. RV Repair Near Me

    https://slides.virtualpathology.leeds.ac.uk/research_4/slide_library/r_bishop_collection/card_index_set/soft_tissue/33959.svs/view.apml?returnurl=http://www.mangaziezz.blogspot.com/

    June 25, 2021 at 14:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. RV Repair Huntington Beach

    This is a very good tip especially to those fresh to the blogosphere. Short but very precise infoÖ Appreciate your sharing this one. A must read article!

    http://clicktrack.pubmatic.com/AdServer/AdDisplayTrackerServlet?clickData=JnB1YklkPTE1NjMxMyZzaXRlSWQ9MTk5MDE3JmFkSWQ9MTA5NjQ2NyZrYWRzaXplaWQ9OSZ0bGRJZD00OTc2OTA4OCZjYW1wYWlnbklkPTEyNjcxJmNyZWF0aXZlSWQ9MCZ1Y3JpZD0xOTAzODY0ODc3ODU2NDc1OTgwJmFkU2VydmVySWQ9MjQzJmltcGlkPTU0MjgyODhFLTYwRjktNDhDMC1BRDZELTJFRjM0M0E0RjI3NCZtb2JmbGFnPTImbW9kZWxpZD0yODY2Jm9zaWQ9MTIyJmNhcnJpZXJpZD0xMDQmcGFzc2JhY2s9MA==_url=https://19980110.net

    June 25, 2021 at 16:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. RV Chassis Repair Near Me

    https://www.tinyportal.net/proxy.php?request=http://ak-extrem-tuning.de/gaestebuch.html?start=1840

    June 25, 2021 at 16:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. kèo nhà cái.net

    Thẳng Bóng Đá Hôm Nay, Link Xem Soccer Trực Tuyến 24h nhà cáiĐội tuyển chọn nước ta chỉ cần một kết trái hòa có bàn thắng để lần loại hai góp mặt trên World Cup futsal. Nhưng, để thực hiện được điều này

    https://thisisthegreenroom.com/detail/1gomcomvn-160294.html

    June 25, 2021 at 19:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. htv2 hd

    Tỷ Số Soccer Trực Tuyến Ngày Hôm Nayvtv3 hdTheo thể thức thi đấu, đội thắng ở cặp đấu này sẽ giành tấm vé đến Lithuania vào ngày hội bóng đá lớn nhất thế giới cho futsal. Tuyển futsal Việt Nam bước vào trận play-off lượt đi tranh vé dự play-off World Cup 2021 với sự tự tin. Tuy vậy, HLV Phạm Minh Giang bày tỏ, toàn đội không ngán Lebanon song sẽ tìm cách để khắc chế sức mạnh của đối thủ bởi bên trên băng ghế huấn luyện là nhà cầm quân Ramiro Lopez, người từng dẫn dắt futsal Tây Ban Nha.|Dựa vào lịch tranh tài, bạn hoàn toàn có thể chuẩn bị xếp công việc

    https://questiontime.info/detail/vtv3-bong-da-hom-nay-34631.html

    June 25, 2021 at 20:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. RV Repair Shops Near Me

    There's definately a great deal to know about this issue. I like all of the points you have made.

    https://as.domru.ru/go?url=https://tai-ji.net/

    June 26, 2021 at 00:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Nearby RV Repair

    https://www.usdf.org/e-trak/asp/forward.asp?id=354&FPath=https://www.waylon7v1o9.ourcodeblog.com

    June 26, 2021 at 01:31 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. Ellsworth Heater

    https://www.grantrequest.com/SID_1268/default4.asp?SA=EXIT&url=https://www.www.ocrvluxurycoaches.com

    June 26, 2021 at 03:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. tro choi .net

    Xoilac Tv Thẳng Soccer kèo nhà cái 1 chấm netĐội tuyển chọn futsal Việt Nam đã có được một trận đấu chấp nhận được trước đối thủ đầy sức mạnh Lebanon. Kết quả Bà Rịa-Vũng Tàu vs Bình Phước hôm nay 18h00 ngày 5/5, Hạng nhất nước ta.

    https://transeunte.org/

    June 26, 2021 at 08:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. mobifone khuyến mãi

    Xem Trực Tiếp Viettel Vs Bình Dương Tại V League 2021 Ở Kênh Nào? m88Đội tuyển chọn Việt Nam chỉ cần thiết một kết trái hòa có bàn thắng nhằm lần thứ hai góp mặt tại World Cup futsal. Nhưng, để làm được điều đó

    https://equinome.com/

    June 26, 2021 at 09:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Deedee Molenda

    https://login-tk.ewe.de/module.php/core/loginuserpass.php?AuthState=_f129e4d348645839698b4d7d776dd3affbd987fedc:https://www.postfallsvegan.com

    June 26, 2021 at 11:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. RV Repair Center Near Me

    https://accounts.cancer.org/login?redirectURL=http://www.ks1.es/sascha/index.php/gaestebuch?start=10160

    June 26, 2021 at 11:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. RV Repair Orange County California

    I want to to thank you for this good read!! I absolutely enjoyed every bit of it. I have got you book marked to look at new stuff you postÖ

    http://client.paltalk.com/client/webapp/client/External.wmt?url=http://www.activdirectory.net/

    June 26, 2021 at 15:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. kubet casino

    Coi Trực Tiếp Viettel Vs Bình Dương Tại V League 2021 Ở Kênh Nào? link nha caiĐội tuyển futsal nước Việt Nam đã được một trận đấu đồng ý được trước đối thủ đầy sức mạnh Lebanon. Kết quả Bà Rịa-Vũng Tàu vs Bình Phước thời điểm hôm nay 18h00 ngày 5/5, Hạng nhất nước Việt Nam.

    https://sshuebner.org/

    June 26, 2021 at 16:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Leadership Weaknesses

    https://redirect.camfrog.com/redirect/?url=http://backboneleaders.com

    June 26, 2021 at 16:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. revolutions podcast

    https://www.itic.org/redirect?r=96fe14b2-fa4d-4b35-860d-365da81621d2&redir=https://backbonehunters.com

    June 26, 2021 at 19:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. the porch podcast

    https://www.adminer.org/redirect/?url=http://backbonehunters.com/

    June 26, 2021 at 20:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. serial killers podcast

    https://www.capital.gr/viewswitcher/switchview?mobile=False&returnUrl=https://www.backbonehunters.com

    June 26, 2021 at 22:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Toxic Leadership

    You made some really good points there. I looked on the net for additional information about the issue and found most individuals will go along with your views on this website.

    https://paper.li/f-1332825566?read=https://backboneleaders.com/

    June 26, 2021 at 22:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. podcast editor

    Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon everyday. It will always be exciting to read through articles from other authors and use a little something from their sites.

    https://www.ripley.cl/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ClickInfo?evtype=CpgnClick&mpe_id=11783&intv_id=10601&storeId=10151&expDataType=CatalogEntryId&expDataUniqueID=711267&URL=http://backbonehunters.com/

    June 27, 2021 at 00:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. may tinh casino

    Tỷ Lệ Kèo Bóng Đá Vòng 1Tỷ Lệ Bóng Đá đánh bài trực tuyếnHai trận đấu của lượt cuối mỗi bảng bắt buộc phải thi đấu cùng giờ. Kết thúc vòng bảng, đội nhất, nhì các bảng và 4 đội xếp thứ ba có thành tích tốt nhất sẽ giành quyền vào vòng sixteen đội.

    https://www.vnd188.bet/

    June 27, 2021 at 00:24 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

Post a comment


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.