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January 26th, 2012
07:21 AM ET
Dating and the challenge of too many choicesIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
There’s no doubt that dating in the 21st century offers a lot of opportunities. Think about your parents’ generation: They grew up with no Internet, they likely stayed in the same town for most of their lives, and they automatically had more in common with the people in that town as a result. Today, women and men are increasingly marrying someone outside of their religion, their ethnicity and their geographic area. Never in history have we had so many potential partners to choose from - and never have we had so much difficulty choosing. In fact, several recent studies suggest that this explosion of options has made men and women feel more confused and uncertain about finding a partner than ever before. People tasted the same number of jams, regardless of the number of available samples. Yet their buying choices varied dramatically: Offered six jams, about 30% of samplers ended up purchasing a jar. Faced with 24 choices, though, only 3% bought a jar. The conclusion: When given so many choices, people have more trouble making any decision, and this sense of indecisiveness could lead to a cascade of negative effects. In his seminal book, "The Paradox Of Choice," Dr. Barry Schwartz writes, “Choice overload can make you question the decisions you make before you even make them, it can set you up for unrealistically high expectations, and it can make you blame yourself for any and all failures. In the long run, this can lead to decision-making paralysis. And in a culture that tells us that there is no excuse for falling short of perfection when your options are limitless, too much choice can lead to clinical depression.” The problem could be our quest for perfection. We all want to believe in "The One" - a person that meets every item on our relationship checklist, who’s our soul mate forever. But when you search for perfection, you’re unlikely to find it. “People who attempt to make the 'perfect' choice, whether it comes to buying a car or finding a partner, end up less satisfied, regardless of what or who they choose. That’s because they tend to look for flaws, and become disillusioned with all of their options," says Andy Trees, Ph.D., author of "A Scientific Guide to Successful Dating." Many services also ask you to fill out exhaustive questionnaires about your likes and dislikes. It might seem like more information would help you make smarter choices, but again, that’s often not the case. The more criteria and qualities you consider for a partner, the tougher it can be to narrow down your choices. In fact, according to a 2006 Pew study of online dating, people generally use Internet sites because they believe that having lots of choices will result in a better match. But research suggests that such increased choices actually have the opposite effect. There’s evidence that even non-Web-based dating services can suffer from the challenge of choice: A study of people attending speed-dating events, published in the August 2011 issue of Biology Letters, found that they made fewer decisions to date when they attended events with higher numbers of candidates and greater variety. Again, the researchers concluded that people who have too many options will choose nothing. Although one day someone may indeed invent the perfect algorithm to match two people, no online dating site has yet provided proof that its formula works, regardless of what its marketing department wants you to think. So how can you harness the power of technology to your advantage? “First, don’t give up on the Internet - it can still be a useful way to meet people," says Trees. "Understand, though, that you’ll need to take the responsibility to choose your matches. Don’t expect the service to find you the perfect person. Pace yourself and keep a normal dating schedule. Seeing a new person every night of the week isn’t going to increase your chances of romance, just your risk of exhaustion. "And be patient and realistic. There’s no perfect mate out there, just people that you can enjoy spending a day - or maybe even the rest of your days - with.”
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If online dating hasn’t led you to your perfect match, perhaps the issue isn’t that you’re too choosy, but rather that there’s too much choice. 
Dating websites are overloaded with narcissists and psychopaths. Google this on narcissist/psychopath survivor websites. Although I had not met my husband (we are separated) on such a site, after 8 years of hell with a diagnosed narcissist/sociopath (antisocial personality disorder), part of my healing entailed learning all I could about personality disorders which truly devastate relationships. I am shocked at how many people have been through exactly what I had been through....I thought "narcissists" were just people that liked themselves a whole lot....boy was I in for an education! My reason for posting today is to warn EVERYONE reading this to use STRONG CAUTION on dating websites.....these sites are playgrounds for persons with personality disorders. Best wishes to everyone!
They're also full of married men looking for cheap sex on the side. A friend told me to never respond to anyone new till after 8:30 PM, when it's a little too late to go out that night. Amazing how many of the men who "really wanted to meet me" were no longer interested when I wasn't available to meet till the next day, proof that they were looking for some fun when the wife was out for the evening. By the time I ruled out the married men and those looking for a sugar mama, the pickings were pretty slim.
KC you are so right, I am sad to say I had "caught" my husband on dating sites twice. I was not kidding when I warned people about dating sites. I have heard stories from other people in my support group who also caught their spouse on dating sites, as well as actually FINDING their partner on such sites. I am amazed there is not more education out there on these personality disordered people.....it's a truly traumatizing experience for those that have lived with these "people". Also want to mention for everyone, and KC touched on it, personality disordered persons are BIG TIME cheaters, narcissists almost ALWAYS cheat as well......and they are also notoriously "lazy" so the ease of the internet to lure in more victims is a huge advantage for them. PLEASE be careful everyone!!!!
KC, the fact remains that single mothers, fat/fugly women, older/angry women and women with debt offer precious little. So they can be had for cheap. And guest what, they date online because that's the only real option they have.
No kidding. I did the dating websites 5-6 years ago when I was still in my "prime" 30s. I had lots of dates with men who lied about their age or looks I found it tedious and quit. I decided to try it again this year. I look more or less the same but I have turned 40. I am not sure if that is the difference or if the online dating scene has changed but I have never "met" so many widowed, orphaned Norwegian engineers living in the US who travel a lot and are robbed in Malaysia. I googled and discovered that is the latest Nigerian scam. I guess they say they are Norwegian to excuse their "English as a second language" typing. They pretend they are in love with you after a week then they have an issue abroad and need money wired to them. I told the one guy I got that far with to stuff it where the sun don't shine and he said I was a "wicked, wicked soul" (we 'met' on Christian Mingle who advertises heavily on CNN). LMAO. I'm don't care if not being an idiot makes me wicked. What worries me is that some women fall for this. If the choices are online dating or staying single. I'll stay single. To think I went back to online just because I didn't want to deal with men who still think they can make it in Hollywood. What was cute at 25 is not so cute at 40. It's sounding a lot cuter now. I almost feel like apologizing to my ex- for telling him he was never going to make it in stand up and to go back and finish college and get a real job. Nah! Other than the second income to buy a house in LA, I'm happy single (if I could just get a bigger apt).
I've blogged a lot about being a single adult over the past few years and I have to say that new media channels, which is all that online dating really is, ALWAYS go through the 'latest obsession' phase during which the people who are out to take advantage LEAP on the opportunity of so many neophytes being out there. My 80 yr old parents have finally become tech-saavy and cautious enough to not be dupped (most of the time). I was in a relationship with an Aspergers/BPD woman for many years who I met face-to-face and it took me years to figure out what her issues were (and I'm a specialist in human nature!), so while there are risks in meeting people online OR offline, figuring out others is always a challenge for all of us.
What is gradually being figured out with Internet dating is what it's real value is. For most adults who are past the bar-scene stage (for the price of a few drinks we got exposure to hundreds of available members of our gender-preference every single night and our only REAL criteria to end up going steady was "Hot enough and willing to date me?"), our access to other adult singles OFFline is almost nil. We don't attend places of worship regularly and our 'network' no longer has that many single adults in it. Online dating offers us exposure to hundreds of singles who we would never, ever meet otherwise. Are some nuts? Sure, and every local OFFline singles club/event you attend will have the same percentage of oddballs in attendance, they are just way easier to spot in person.
And there's the key: in person. Online dating's 'marketing promise' makes it highly addictive: sit at home in your PJs with a glass of wine and 'shop' for your ideal mate! We all plunge in and get hooked to the medium, even though it works in a totally opposing manner to human nature (we're designed to be social, visual-first creatures who meet each other by first seeing each other across a crowd). Key to using online effectively is treating it no differently than you would the local newspaper's singles ads: when you have some time to go out and meet people, check who's on offer and IMMEDIATELY go out and have a drink. (Not a coffee! Caffeine just makes us hyper-critical. Just don't get smashed or you'll end up waking up next to him thinking "Not again!" 😉
DO NOT OVER-ANALYZE the guys' profiles and texts, ladies! (Your 'instincts' don't work all that well face-to-face, as your past relationships prove - they don't work AT ALL over the Internet or on lines of words strung together!)
And the above advice means LOCAL GUYS ONLY. The men who are willing to travel to meet you are highly suspect, very likely married and CERTAINLY only out for sex (which you might be OK with...). If you find random men at a conference or at the grocery store occasionally very intriguing, then go out for lots of 'meet and greet' dates with guys who's photos seem recent and attractive to you. At our age, it becomes a numbers game because our mature criteria list is much more specific than in our 20's and early 30's. I have a lot more adult dating insights in the sidebar on my Just One Cynic's Opinion blog is you're curious about a former ad man's take on the subject.
Online dating can work, and well, just don't get addicted to it, treat it like an opportunity to do serial 'speed dating' and you just might meet a good match (AND you'll get out more, which inevitably leads to meeting more people).
"A Scientific Guide to Successful Dating" is a link to yet another book about dating dos and don'ts. Yes the challenge of choices...it's EVERYWHERE!
This article (and the ensuing comments) have given me some valuable insight ! Thank you folks.
I just joined Match this week... so those comments above are making me scared about the whole process now, haha. I hope I don't meet a crazy guy! 😦
I met the man of my dreams on Match.com (and fortuantly no personality disorder in sight, after five years of dating/living together). Not all men and women that use dating sites are crazed psychopaths. As with any dating just stick with your gut and common sense! Good luck with your search!
I joined Match this past summer and found a fun guy, not so great guy and then a great guy. I have been with the great guy since August. My advise: understand what people are requesting of you (i.e. something quick or something more normal), always run background checks (which you can do through your counties courthouse and usually online), always meet in a major public place, and don't give out personal details. Also, an easy way to find a lot of info on a potential person is by asking for their e-mail address and then...google it and facebook search it. Online dating can be frustrating, and a little creepy, but if you give it sometime you will find someone.
I also met plenty of decent men on dating sites. Most of them are regular folks, just looking for a releationship. You have to be careful just as you would meeting any man/woman anywhere.
Hot chicks/chicks with options DON'T date online. Chicks who fat, fugly, have kids, lie about their advancing age, etc are the ones who date online.
I met my fiance on a free online dating site. I went through a few not so great guys and found an amazing one. Just be true to yourself and be smart about what you give out and where you meet; I'm sure you'll be fine.
Um, I won't believe a word "PumpNDump" has to say about dating.
I personally have no issues with dating sites. I know people that have met through those, are happily married and have kids together. I've heard about the horror stories too. But then again, dating in general (even meeting people face to face or thinking you've known someone long enough to be safe) is a game of chance. I'm currently with the type of guy I said I never wanted to be with, and guess what, he's been great! Most likely the very thing I've needed, and don't plan on letting him go anytime soon. Good luck and keep safe to everyone out there.
After being widowed in middle age (my wife and I had been happily married 36 years), I joined Match and eHarmony. I was thoughtful and honest in writing my profiles. Ill admit that the sheer number of matches was a bit overwhelming, but my new wife and I have been together three and a half years now and are looking forward to growing old together. The comments about trusting your gut bear paying attention to. After that, you only get out of a relationship what you put into it (barring mental illness, of course).
My experience is like this.... women think a dating site is a candy store and they are ONLY interested in the sweetest looking piece on the plate. I too was happily married for over 30 years,( my wife was killed in an auto accident) our relationship was the envy of all of our peers & our fidelity was perfect . I have no debt, a steady income above my needs and because I retired early my time is all mine to devote to anything I choose & I want to devote it to building another great relationship HA ! Not being 6-ft tall or 170 lbs or owning a motorcycle puts me at the end of the line.... between myself & 2 other guys on that site, we have sent out OVER 900 messages of interest to women ...... we have gotten back a sum total of 20 replies & most of them are " I'm waiting for Mr. Perfect" .
Either Women are overloaded & cannot make up their minds OR they have fantasies that are far beyond reality... either way, I & my single friends sit at home wondering why guys who are stable & free of baggage are left standing while the bad boys seem to be getting all of the attention and dates . American Women are too wrapped up in glitter, glitz & fantasies to be able to discern exactly what a GREAT MATE means i fear.
Women are generally overloaded on dating websites. It is tough making a choice when there are too many choices, just as this article points out. I think that is part of the problem.
Not all women are this way.
You've romaticized being in a relationship that you think because some gold digger doesn't want to date you that you are some sort of loser. Listen if you got lucky once and had a decent relationship appreciate the fact that you did and sadly it ended sooner than you would have wanted.
Don't over analyze this. Women are as desperate as some guys even though they do a better job of hiding that fact. Enjoy your freedom. Bang your way through life and if you get lucky again then great if not then at least you enjoyed your situation. Don't feel that you have to be defined by being in a relationship. It is much cheaper being single and without all the demands of an overly needy woman. There are plenty of women out there. Don't fall victim to the hype.
I wonder if you mean 'all the HOT-looking women are only out for glitz'. Take a look in the mirror and you may see who is being too picky. By the way – I'm a guy.
Only broken losers with no game date online. Thic includes guys with no game or money. Guys who lie about their age and/or appearance. Women who are fat and/or fugly. Women who have kids. Women who lie about their age, debts and appearance.
May be you're going for women that are too young (or too thin) for you. If you look out of shape, just join a gym and get a trainer. You're retired and have money. Your body is worth investing in.
MisterFids,
Sorry for your luck. I too had no real responses with dating sites. No one is perfect. I have no baggage either–but it seems that men want easy supermodel women. I'm smart, have a great job, better than average looks, but NOT easy. What ever happened to getting to know someone...
Here is my problem with online dating (the first time when I was 35) – I saw lists and lists and lists of SWM – no kids, 37, 6' 190, doesn't smoke or whatever. They were just lists. They were not "people" so I wouldn't talk to anyone who didn't measure up to "the list" . If I haven't met a person I am reading a list and matching my criteria. If I meet a man in person, I may not care that he is 30 or 50 vs the 40 I am looking for. I may not even care that he has kids. I'll decide on whether I feel a connection or not. I can't do that online. It's just lists and lists and lists. Heck that is how I got on the cheating scam. 40 year old engineer with a grad degree. For the record they pull that on men too... They pretend to be Russian supermodels.
After 3 years of online attempts and my single buddy and I have IDENTICAL experience. As this article/research points out, it's the actual premise behind online dating that causes this, it's not just the type of people who are most active on the sites. Women are inherently romantic, men inherently interested in sex (not that we're ALL after this alone!), online dating leads both to believe it will simply and easily deliver what they most want, but there are 7 core flaws that stand in the way in my experience:
http://justonecynicsopinion.blogspot.com/2011/08/7-deadly-flaws-kill-any-hope-that.html
"""Either Women are overloaded & cannot make up their minds OR they have fantasies that are far beyond reality..."""
Maybe both. I agree with you and JustOneCynicsOpinion, who, BTW, has written some insightful things about this. Check out his link.
I've been online dating off and on since the mid 90s, and I've seen some dramatic changes in "success" rates in terms of actually meeting women. In real life I can be intriguing, but online I can't get the time of day anymore.
I don't know if age is factor, but women in my age group have definitely raised the bar to an unrealistic level.
In ancient days we did not have the luxury of abundant choice, yet people still managed somehow to meet and mate. Now, your average attractive woman may receive dozens of messages a day online yet can never seem to find someone after many months and hundreds or even thousands of suitors. It's absurd.
The sheer abundance of choice paralyzes women and gives them a false perception of perfection.
If a person could change the paradigm of online dating to a form that actually WORKS they will make a major fortune. For now, it's hugely ineffective.
myspace, or im not sure what race u like, but if u like mostly afcairn americans, u can go to blackplanet.com, im sure there are more, but thats all i have delt with
Online dating is nothing but bottom of the barrell women that I have met. The women usually would date several men at one time that I met and try to lie about it. There is nothing more disgusting then finding out a woman you have slept with is messaging your best mate trying to sleep with him too. Or finding out a woman has already slept with half the online dating world and wants you to be a cuckold.
oh yes ladies we men talk and a lot of us on the same websites
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No single mommies. No Fat or pudgy chicks. No wome nover 32 years old. Sorry, I only date hot chicks, period.
Wow, PumpNDump.....aren't you a dream...
Correction. You only date losers (if at all). Any woman who dates you is a loser.
Ladies, I guarntee you're a couple of porker single mommies.
PumpNDump...just by your name, you can tell what a great catch you must be...give me a break. I am sure that the only hot chicks that you date are the ones that you fondle yourself to online. Have you ever heard of millionare matching websites..well I have as I met my beautiful wife Simone on one of them. We have been married for 17 years and have never been more in love. Not only do I dote on her, but I come home to a hot cooked meal that she makes (although we have a housekeeper, we do not have a cook). Some people find it easier to break the ice on line rather than meeting in person for reasons that only they know. The fact that you took the time to read the article suggests that you do in fact spend time perusing the online dating sites. In addition, the fact that you choose to badmouth the women who are putting comments on here suggests that you probably have mommy issues, maybe your mom did not hug you enough as a child. Women should be respected, remember you came from one.
You are kind of an idiot. No one really cares about who you date.
Signed very pretty single mommy with lots of degrees and close to $100k income. Nope, not looking to date a jerk. And that you clearly are. There are plenty of reasons to date online. Including I have little time. I am always working. Or I am with my kids. Or I am at school. And I live in a state away from all of my family. See. Many reasons why online works for lots of people. I know a lot of people who date online and have a good experience. People who are married or getting ready to marry and met online. I work with a hot Puerto Rican single mommy getting ready to buy a house and wed a man she met online. He is getting ready to start his PHD program. I mean folks who need to be in the club are there. All the rest of the world succeeding in some way and maybe really busy with no time to meet another way-we losers have the dating sites.
Ken, let me know when you wake up and your medication kicks in. Russian, Fillipina brides really aren't that hot. Lol. You're delusional and have no game or money.
Well, at least you're honest. Men need to know women can't stand beer guts. Some men that have nothing going on demand the most beautiful women. How come they can't see their reflection?
Aww, look everyone. It's a troll!
Cute little guy.
something tells me you THINK you're hot
He seems to know a lot about dating sites for someone so "hot". I see mail-order bride all over this one.
PND keep preaching the good word. The women online are delusional but we both know their only good for a "SMAHnDash"
the truth shall not be denied
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I wonder, MisterFids, are you as accepting of others' imperfections? I've been on a few dates with who I thought were mature, regular guys. Problem is, the regular, non-model/movie star guys seem to only want to date women who are 15 years younger and could walk a runway. I'm smart, funny, employed, own my home and car, not thin – but not ready for the circus, and 45... where's my "not 6', 170, no motorcycle" guy?
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I met my husband on Match.com. I went through some pretty rough 1st dates before I met him but we've been together 5 years and married for 4 and very happy. I do, however, believe that online dating gives you too much choice. I think we have a tendency to never be satisfied with who we meet because with thousands of people on the site, you think that there's bound to someone "better." We need to get out of our heads and just focus on the person we are with at the time. If you are happy with them, you respect them, and you can't wait to spend more time with them and vice versa, that's a pretty good indication that your relationship is good.
I used online dating sites for years. I wasn't searching for the perfect man, I was looking for a partner. I met lots of men, fell in love and got my heart broken a few times. They all had two things in common. One, they didn't read my profiles, they responded only to my picture. My email was spelled out in the text in the profiles, but not a single person ever responded to me directly, they paid money to respond through the sites.
Two, they never stop looking for someone better. I'm smart, fairly attractive, own my own home and make my own money, but I'm not perfect and never will be. I finally just gave up and stopped dating entirely.
"didn't read my profiles, responded only to my picture, never stop looking for someone better"
These claims may be true, but you need to fess up the entire truth. Every guy that dates online knows about the things women say they want because they have read it over and over again on your profiles. It's not rocket science. There are 1000's of single men online who are: single, not looking for just sex, have good jobs, can read and use proper grammar, and they send messages to those they have common interests with the time. And they never receive a response. The most common reason being they to do all those listed things, but first they have to meet the genetic height requirement. If choosing a mate by genetic physical standards is shallow, then women are just as shallow, and often, more shallow than men. To be attractive a man has to be near his normal weight and tall. A woman just needs to be near her normal weight. Any man or women can change his or her weight and with the fringe benefits of health. Height can't be changed. What's the shortest man you ever gave a chance? On second thought don't answer that because I'm sure it will be a lie. The dirty secret of the blatant double standard are living when it comes to mate selection is one they don't want to be discussed.
Oh yeah? Just take a walk down the feminine hygiene section of a supermarket and wonder at all those choices.
I agree with the article. I'm happier being single and dating than I was in any of my relationships. I refuse to settle for someone who doesn't respect me and share a view of what life is about. Maybe I'll always be looking but its better than being unhappy. I have never dated someone I met online. Not once. But that's my choice, it would seem like catalog shopping for a relationship. And its plain scary. I'm a catch and don't need to advertise regardless of the time saving. I'm not looking for $ or looks, just someone who is fun, thoughtful and understands my humor. Maybe online dating could help and for some I'm sure it does, but its not for me. I have enough trouble without it.
That's exactly it. It's catalog shopping and I start looking for the best deal. I think we all do.
I met a guy on match and regret it. I married him and so far he has cheated on me twice. He is verbally abusive and now I am kicking myself (ALOT)
This article is dumb, and so out of touch with reality. Ask me, a single woman who knows from experience. There are not a lot of choices out there! I mean yeah, if I'm willing to literally date ANYBODY. But to find a quality person is RARE. This is what happens when you overthink things, stupid articles comparing the concept of dating options to jam/jelly. Really?
Dating online is good and bad. Y? Cuz some (men and women) are for real while some are jst to flirt. Well, whichever way, I wish u all good luck ok.
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There has to be an initial acrtattion doesn't there- online dating is one place you can be picky! I've had a few messages ignored myself, you have to except that your not everybody's cup of tea, and they have to except that they might not be your's.
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adults R just nasty no wonder the GLOBAL CATASTRAPHIES R RAMPAT
I did the online dating for a while about 10 years ago, it was pretty rough. The women lied all the time, and i made some horrible mistakes. Nothing fatal or disease related! I got lucky i guess and learned alot. Trust nothing online, nothing. everyone lies. I had much better luck meeting women in my circle of friends, and eventually found my wife by being really engaged and proactive about finding relationships. My aunt gave me great advice 20 years ago, 'friends first'. Make sure you are compatible that way before thinking about something else. Happily married 7 yrs and expect our first in 2 months.
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Daily matches on Match.com are random and not according to my preferences. Most profiles had no pictures. I requested pictures only. These specific should not be listed as a preference if it cannot be delivered. Also, I have been consulting with the staff and was told reverse matches are best for me. However, I am not able to select these people in my detailed searched but when I click on reverse matches alone, I get man from everywhere in the country.not my preferences. It's a waste of time, if you want to find, and not just to look. Match should support preferences of email only rather than, who viewed me. Without a pictures, I don't care... . I've purchased this site 3 times for long periods and ratios are not good. While the display changes, I find other sites are more successful in finding quality people. On this site I was a sales target, there were 2 attempt to scam me, and most lie. I'm not an unattractive women "prettey women" so I will date people in my circle of friends. It's over rated. No more Match.com for me.
I find it amusing that CNN thinks a gay man can give a man's perspective on dating, sex and women.
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