Sex after divorce: Does it get better?
January 19th, 2012
07:15 AM ET

Sex after divorce: Does it get better?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.

“If I hadn’t gotten divorced, I never would have had the top five sexual experiences of my life,” gushed Tom, a friend of a friend at a recent holiday party.

What a turnaround! In 2010, at the same party, Tom* had been in the midst of splitting up with his wife of 12 years and I was offering him the names of marriage counselors. Now he was bankrupt and only saw his kids every other week, but he was exuberant about the change to his sex life.

“I’d given up on sex and fooled myself into thinking that I wasn’t even a particularly sexual person,” he explained. “I didn’t want to be the sort of guy who cheated, so I resigned myself to lackluster sex every other week... if I was lucky. We were so young and inexperienced when we got married. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m approaching sex as a confident adult.”

Does sex get better after divorce? Unfortunately, there haven’t been any formal studies that explore levels of post-divorce sexual satisfaction, but intrigued by Tom’s exuberance, I spoke with a handful of recently divorced friends, colleagues, and former patients. To my surprise, I found that many echo Tom’s enthusiasm.

While divorce and its adjustments aren’t easy, many newly single people say they are seeing its silver lining … in sex.

Dr. Andy Trees, author of "A Scientific Guide to Successful Dating," says Internet dating has really changed the game.

“Divorced people find it much easier to get back in the saddle so to speak," Trees said. "I also think this is a classic case of the power of chemistry in the early months. Sex with someone new is always exciting in a way that sex with a familiar partner isn't (which isn't to say that long-term sexual intimacy doesn't have pluses as well).”

“At first I was cautious," said Sandra*, 38. "Our culture treats divorced people like babies or wounded birds. Everyone says things like ‘Take it slow, be careful, you’re still getting over a painful situation.' And all this advice made me feel unsure of myself. But after my first post-divorce hookup - and first orgasm in years - I realized that this bird has wings and it’s time to soar!”

Says Kristen Mark, a sex researcher at Indiana University, “When sexual desires aren’t being met for a long period of time, you can feel really trapped, like the real you isn’t able to shine.”

Adds psychicatrist Gail Saltz, “Embedded in divorce sex is the knowledge that your partner has in essence rejected you, or at least let you go, and part of hot sex is the unconscious desire to show them what a mistake they made by not keeping you.”

Sometimes life after divorce can reinforce a person’s libido type or help them discover what they like and don’t like, as is the case with David*, 39, twice married and divorced: “It took me two marriages to realize that I like a lot of sexual excitement and experimentation, but I’m also a romantic. I believe in marriage and monogamy, but if and when I get married again ... it’s going to be with a woman who enjoys the kinkier side of life.”

The enjoyment of sex after divorce may also have something to do with a sense of deserving a bit of hard-earned sexual selfishness.

Take Karen*, 38, who says, “I’d always heard that women experience their sexual prime later in life, but I never understood that. The more I was in my marriage and the older I got, the less sexual I felt. Then I got divorced and started having casual sex again. For the first time in a long time I was with men who were making an effort to pleasure me and discover what I liked, and I wasn’t shy or bashful about letting them know. I am having a sexual peak, but it’s not physical, it’s mental.”

With all the fun to be had, is there a downside? And are there any best practices for sex after divorce?

“Watch out for too much too soon,” says, Lance*, 42. “After my divorce, I was like a kid in a candy store. There were women everywhere. And a lot of them were willing to have sex. Suddenly, I was a womanizer.”

He continues, a bit remorseful: “Be honest with the person you’re with. What are you looking for from the sex? I don’t want to get married again, or be in a serious relationship right now, and I need to be clearer about that up front before having sex with someone.”

Remember, too, that just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you’re necessarily wiser. “Practice safe sex,” says Mara*, 58. “My best friend and I both got divorced at the same time and were there for each other. We’re both well past the age of having kids. But I always use protection, and she doesn’t. I try to tell her that STDs are still a real possibility.”

Sex educator Amy Levine confirms that advice. “When ‘you don't know what you don't know’ a lack of sexual knowledge can put someone at risk for a range of STDs. For those that were married for quite a while, sex ed after divorce is imperative!"

And be cautious if you have children. “Don’t bring your fun home if there are kids in the house,” says Trish*. “I want to get married again, and I want my daughter to have a loving stepfather someday. But I’m going to make sure he’s really the one before I bring anyone home.”

There’s one thing everyone agrees on, in theory, if not always in practice: Avoid sex with your ex. Says Tom, who got this whole ball rolling, “I couldn’t believe it. Jackie* and I would be with our lawyers, fighting viciously about money or kids - and then we’d leave and go have hot crazy sex. It was really confusing. Why couldn’t it have been like that when we were married?”

*Names have been changed

soundoff (557 Responses)

    Why does it seem to be better before marriage and after marriage?
    Is it because of complacency?
    Me and my first wife dated for over a year before before we got married. Rabbits didn't have nothing on us.
    Seems like after we got married after about 6 months it got to be complacent. Don't know why. Loved her just as much.

    January 19, 2012 at 07:53 | Report abuse | Reply
    • John

      because thats what women do.

      January 19, 2012 at 09:38 | Report abuse |
    • ab

      It just happens. It's not new and exciting anymore.

      January 19, 2012 at 10:50 | Report abuse |
    • Retired Army in San Antonio

      Hey MoBad......from the article:

      "Sex with someone new is always exciting in a way that sex with a familiar partner isn't"

      January 19, 2012 at 10:52 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      Because you are a boring dick?

      January 19, 2012 at 21:22 | Report abuse |
    • jane

      Heres what I notice in my own relationships and talking to friends. Of course this is just me and perhaps I have been picking the wrong men!

      In the beginning men try really hard to impress in the bedroom and outside the bedroom. Doing nice things etc. Women are very turned on by that and the sex is great. Then the relationship rut sets in. Both stop trying to impress. Day to day crap comes in...dirty dishes, laundry etc. And there goes the womens desire. For most women arousal is more mental than physical. So there goes the libido...then men get mad because of less sex and stop trying at all. And then there is even less sex until the relationship ends. All the while the woman feels unloved etc. Its not satisfying being a woman in a long term sexless relationship either. I can't imagine getting married again. I don't think its completely the man or womans fault. Just seems like long term relationships are not very realistic.

      January 20, 2012 at 22:14 | Report abuse |
  2. Andrew

    This writer is a sex expert, he sure doesn't talk like any man I've known that really knew what he was talking about. Sex is not about academics, its about being smart and experienced, and this guy doesn't look like he qualifies based on experience. He looks like the guy who lives with his mom until he's 50. I would rather take advice from a bar star before this guy. Sex is not an academic subject, it can be talked about in an educated way, but those who know it best will say it's never academic.

    January 19, 2012 at 09:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Drew

      Hey Andrew, he's not sating its academic. Its psychological.

      January 19, 2012 at 09:54 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      Andrew, you have been voted as most likely to have at least 3 STD's before the year is out.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:24 | Report abuse |
    • Xela

      No doubt brycecan, "Bar Star"? Yea those Dbags know all about meaningful relationships and intimacy.

      January 20, 2012 at 13:42 | Report abuse |
  3. Xan

    It is like the old joke, "what is the best food to stop sex? Wedding Cake." After divorce, and a brief time thinking that maybe becoming a monk would be appropriate, I discovered that there were people that would not hold you sexually hostage, as it was in my marriage. This allowed to find a person that is in more sync with me spiritually and mentally, which has made the physical amazing. Maybe it is not about being better, it is about lessons learned.

    January 19, 2012 at 09:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • KC

      You're right. Immediately after the wedding, my husband lost interest. I was exciting as a girlfriend, but an hour later, I was "the old ball and chain" and he couldn't get excited about me any more. The one who replaced me, same thing, she was exciting right up until he got her home, and then all he did was find fault.

      January 19, 2012 at 09:14 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      The grass is always greener for the dumbest animals.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:25 | Report abuse |
    • KeithTexas

      Getting Married for sex is like building bombs for peace.

      January 19, 2012 at 23:10 | Report abuse |
  4. c

    i thought i hated sex. apparently, i just hated the ex. i def pulled back but it turns out that the right partner made it a LOT more appealing!

    January 19, 2012 at 09:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • John

      until you marry the person... then you will hate it again.

      January 19, 2012 at 09:39 | Report abuse |
  5. docdewitt

    I have got to believe that the stronger the relationship the better teh sex; and vice versa. No big secret there.

    January 19, 2012 at 09:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      And you'd be wrong.

      January 19, 2012 at 09:50 | Report abuse |
    • webber

      You haven't a clue.. your statement is just a "dream" of what it SHOULD be, not the reality.

      January 19, 2012 at 10:38 | Report abuse |
    • nimbles the clown

      I have a great relationship with my ex-wife, very deep and nurturing. During the marriage, the sex slowly died off into nothing. When the sex dies, it's over. You get divorced, the sex goes off the charts. It's funny how that happens.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:17 | Report abuse |
    • D


      January 19, 2012 at 16:53 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      Want to see how losers talk, read these idi0ts.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:26 | Report abuse |
    • KeithTexas

      Banging the same chick for 37 years, it is still hot and we still have crazy sex every now and then.

      She knows what I need and wants me to be happy. I know what she needs to feel like she is the most important thing in my life.

      January 19, 2012 at 23:41 | Report abuse |
  6. MFSB525

    Speaking from experience, sex is good after a divorce but it's soooo much better after the hysterectomy. Can you say "can't get enough?" But that's another story....

    January 19, 2012 at 09:39 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Sandra

      I heard that statement before. A woman doesn't have to worry any longer about unwanted pregnancies and is more freerier to enjoy herself.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:45 | Report abuse |
    • D

      I have heard it is not as good for the man after his partner has a hysterectomy.

      January 19, 2012 at 16:54 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      You probably believed that BS about Spanish Fly too. Another idi0t. No shortage of these on this site.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:27 | Report abuse |
    • jane

      That makes a lot of sense. Fear of pregnancy keeps a lot of women from enjoying sex. Hormonally I wonder if also impacts desire too.

      January 20, 2012 at 22:17 | Report abuse |
  7. Ben Dover

    Lets face it, getting/being married is a death sentence for a man's sex life and financial future. I had a prenup in my 1, and only, marriage and pulled the ripcord after 4 years. Marriage is utterly pointless and a waste of time for a man with a career, ambition, money & assets. Most women will rope you into the relationship with sex and most (if not all) of what they did to rope you into the marriage stops, including oral. Guys, don't get married. It's a pointless endeavor with no upside.

    January 19, 2012 at 09:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • chandra

      You're a shallow, pathetic individual. Reading post like yours makes me actually wish the 2012 end of the world thing is real.

      January 19, 2012 at 10:27 | Report abuse |
    • Steve

      Ever heard of having kids? Stop being such a one-dimensional, money-obsessed workaholic. When you're old and broken down at the end of your life, you'll finally realized you missed the boat, buddy.

      January 19, 2012 at 10:41 | Report abuse |
    • Andrew

      I have been married for 8 years now and still have a satisfying sex life and a positive financial situation. I don't feel that I was roped into anything....and as far as "what they did to rope you into the marriage stops" is a complete falsehood. Maybe the woman was not the problem in your realtionship, but the rather the guy she was with.

      January 19, 2012 at 10:55 | Report abuse |
    • Portland tony

      Shallowest comment I've ever read. You are either just trolling or the Narcissus of the year.

      January 19, 2012 at 11:10 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Sadly, for all of you, none of you make the money or have the assets that I do..........and never will. Divorce rate is over 55%, for 1st marriages. Children do not make your life better. You make your life better, or worse. I'd even surmise that all of you have been divorced, at least once, perhaps more. Lol.

      I like young, hot women. I'm not even 40 years old so why should I settle into a being with a woman who gets progressively more angry as she gets older and the sex becomes less and less frequent and the encounters even more brief as she gets bigger, more wrinkled and less attractive by the moment. I'll leave that to all of you. When any of you have real money and an income which is over $1MM annually, come see me. I can assure you that will never happen, for any of you.

      January 19, 2012 at 11:54 | Report abuse |
    • LadyDyeAgnostic

      If all it took to "rope you into the relationship" was the bew-tay and not the person...you may have identified the real issue.

      January 19, 2012 at 11:57 | Report abuse |
    • Kelly

      I feel bad for you..I hope someday you can see things differently and be truly happy.

      January 19, 2012 at 12:47 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Kelly, I am truly happy and delusional women like you are the reason that MOST married men live lives of quiet desperation praying for the sweet release that death will bring them. I hate to break it to you but a man DOESN'T have to be married to be truly happy, or didn't you get the memo?

      January 19, 2012 at 12:51 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      With all of my heart, I feel sorry for you, Mr. Dover. In my career, I have had the privelege to hear many people's stories, and see them at all stages of their lives. At the end of people's lives, I have heard them talk about their regrets, and what had brought them the most happiness, and I see that what brings true peace is not material things or immediate gratification. I can guarantee you that in your future, you will face pain and loss, everyone does at some point. You will have disease, or illness, and you will be alone, with no one who loves you to help you fight your fight. When those times come in my life, I will have my husband's loving arms to hold me, with the peace of a lifetime of happiness and love to comfort us. We will have our beautiful legacy of our children, strong and loved, to be proud of. And the peace of a life lived with meaning, a life of integrity. No money can buy this. This is home. My husband is home, and he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, along with our children. I hope you find some peace, and realize that there may be more than you can see right now. And by the way, sex just gets better and better. I think men who blame it on marriage or their wife just need to get off their lazy butts and figure out how to listen to what their wife wants and needs and make it better. It's supposed to be an expression of love, and if misused or if people become selfish and lazy, it will sour. Done right, it will continue to blow your mind. I literally chase after my husband to take his clothes off every chance I get.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:00 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Melissa, it's a safe bet that you're unattractive and fat/overweight. It's also a safe bet you've never done oral in your life. PS: Being rich makes my life very easy. A woman doesn't take of anyone. My money will take care of me, or didn't you get the memo. With all due respect, you waddling after your husband to have sex doesn't conjure up images designed to make a man hot and bothered. Lol.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:04 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Melissa, what I also love about your comment is that "I think men who blame it on marriage or their wife just need to get off their lazy butts and figure out how to listen to what their wife wants and needs and make it better.". So, according to you, as long as the man is doing as he's told, it'll all be fine. Lol. Right. That's so comforting. Is that what "jeebus" says?

      January 19, 2012 at 13:09 | Report abuse |
    • Qwinn

      Ben Dover is obviously a gay troll. Don't feed the troll.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:30 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Qwinn, that hurt real bad, deep cut. Lol. I suggest you look up the definition of projection, since you're engaging in it now.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:39 | Report abuse |
    • Mike Hunt

      WOW! The fact that Melissa wrote "Mr. Dover" tells me all I need to know about her. Im with you Ben... Ben Dover (hee hee)... I would rather jump in my Aston Martin and head on down to Tribeca and find me a Latina that will blow the doors off of me and my car ;o) Marriage is for the poor.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:57 | Report abuse |
    • JLA

      BenDover, if that's the way you feel, fine, don't get married again. I can't imagine though that you were a terribly fun person to be married to – you seem to have an enormous chip on your shoulder and are dripping with sarcasm and snide comments to everyone coming your way. And just remember, money's nice, but you can't take it with you. You might want to achieve some sort of actual relationships with people before your life is over.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:11 | Report abuse |
    • Visionary

      You seem to be a nice person, but selfish and misinformed. I bet that you are one ot those lonely millionaires that think they master the world. I bet that you don't help any charities. I bet that your world is full of vain stuff, expensive toys like cars, expensive properties, relationships based on status, etc. Well, I know people richer than you that would make your current lifestyle stink, so hurry up to catch up man! I bet you envy them in your heart. Let me tell you what you are missing by not being married and your money will never buy: someone that loves you for what you are, someone truly comminted to you for life, continuos wholesome unprotected monogamous joyful faithfull spiritual sex, which can only be obtained in the relationship called marriage. You are probably afraid to fail in marriage too, because you don;t have what it takes to be a commited man. Do you have children to whom you will leave your millions? If not, who will get them when you are gone? Hopefully your money does not fail you, because once is gone, everuthing else will!

      January 19, 2012 at 14:16 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Visionary and JLA, It's obvious you're both late for your medication. Lol. Go ahead, pray to Jeebus.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:51 | Report abuse |
    • JLA

      Uh, BenDover, not a big bible-banger here. You're so off the mark in your responses to everyone it's laughable.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:21 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      JLA, just because a knob like you feels that the "only" way you can have a meaningful relationship and live only demonstrates how myopic, shrill and histrionic you are. My life is fine, but it's obvious you do whatever society tells you. Good luck. It's also obvious you have a real problem wiht reality. Lol

      January 19, 2012 at 15:35 | Report abuse |
    • JLA

      Wow, I've never had people quote words I never wrote in a comment before. Nor have I been "shrill" or "histrionic" in my responses. What I did say was that you do not have to be married if you don't want to, which I would hardly say is bending to society's will or being myopic. But then again, you don't seem to be listening to what anyone else is actually saying. Such a trait not only doesn't work in a marriage, but doesn't work in any other types of relationships in life. I would take a guess that you struggle with all of your relationships, not just your previous marriage.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:45 | Report abuse |
    • Den Bover

      Nice trolling, Ben. 10/10 for all the butthurt replies you have solicited!

      January 19, 2012 at 15:48 | Report abuse |
    • Sandra

      Ben, it sounds as if you just married the wrong person and now you are allowing it to make you bitter. Get over it! Nex time, just marry someone who is a carbon-copy of yourself and you will be just fine.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:50 | Report abuse |
    • matt

      ben i can appreciate your bitterness,but i think if i were pulling in more than a mil a yr ide find something better to do with my time than heckel people on cnn's website.PS my wife blows me all the time sorry your's didn't

      January 19, 2012 at 16:00 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Matt it's a safe bet your "wife" looks like she's a tranny. Lol. Good luck with that.

      Ladies, marriage is a waste of time. I can get all the benefits with young, hot women and none of the risk of marriage. Why would I?

      January 19, 2012 at 21:17 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      Ben is suffering from tertiary syphilis. He's a little demented.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:28 | Report abuse |
    • Nancy

      Yes, and I usually watch Ebenezer Scrooge every year during Christmas season. Sounds like you.

      January 19, 2012 at 23:45 | Report abuse |
    • SM

      Ben, I sincerely hope someday when you are getting your "oral" some wise women bites your you know what off.

      January 20, 2012 at 00:00 | Report abuse |
    • Babydoll

      I'll bet you this guys a real TOAD.

      January 20, 2012 at 00:01 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      SM, it's always the fat, fugly chicks like you who talk like that. Lol.

      January 20, 2012 at 10:36 | Report abuse |
    • jane

      Same could be said for most well educated and well paid women. Why bother with marriage? There is no benefit at all.

      January 20, 2012 at 22:18 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Honestly ben, your wife, or any other woman, just didn't like you enough to actually enjoy normal sexual acts like oral sex with you. Face it, eat it, live it. You are a sad, sad man, who is ALONE, with no one to love him. Maybe, just maybe, you should learn something here. Or not. You will probably follow it up with some jerk statement and totally miss any human aspect of this. Typical of what I have seen of you. Sad.

      February 17, 2012 at 01:12 | Report abuse |
  8. Portland tony

    Good advice. It is so much better to wait til the divorce is final before sleeping around.

    January 19, 2012 at 09:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. Malaka

    I resigned myself to lackluster sex every other week... if I was lucky... Seems to be a resounding theme in many marriages. Most women are a lot more open to passionate sex during periods of romantic infatuation. This is why single sex is a lot more energetic and appealing to men. When the infatuation fades (and it always does) the *energy* fades as well in her.

    January 19, 2012 at 10:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • jane

      Agree...much more appealing to most women too. Just not the morally correct thing to say.

      January 20, 2012 at 22:23 | Report abuse |
  10. Scott

    I stay in my marriage because of the kids. I love my wife but with her chronic pain sex is non-existant. I could never look my kids in the eye and say, "I'm leaving the family because getting laid is more important. " I think this happens too often.

    January 19, 2012 at 10:20 | Report abuse | Reply
    • chandra

      Maybe her chronic pain is related to being unhappy in the marriage...This is not to dismiss her physical problems, but chronic pain often has a psychological component. We feel physical pain more acutely when we are unhappy. Maybe you're not doing anyone any favors by sticking around.

      January 19, 2012 at 10:30 | Report abuse |
    • Scott

      Interesting Chandra. I've given that some thought but it's really not the chronic pain which started a couple years ago. She hasn't had much of a sex drive for 20 years. On the plus side we get along great, have the same values, we adore our kids and we sincerely love each other.

      January 19, 2012 at 11:02 | Report abuse |
    • Tom, Long Beach, California

      Chandra, what we do not need is your male bashing complaining.......that's what the sex was replaced with!

      January 19, 2012 at 11:16 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Scott, if you're committed to staying I'm sure your wife, who obviously doesn't like sex, I'm sure she won't mind you having a girlfriend. This whole "pain" thing is just her way to making sure she doesn't have to perform. Why shouldn't you enjoy a healthy sex life just because she clearly doesn't want to? I'm sure she won't mind if you get your ashes hauled 2x a week, at minimum, by someone who actually likes sex, will she?

      This happens all the time, with women in particular, in that they fall into this pattern of "no sex" and expect the guy to sign up for the same program and become all histrionic, irrational and shrill when he doesn't want to.

      January 19, 2012 at 12:05 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Beta men like you frequently accept the role of doormat, without any argument or compromise.

      January 19, 2012 at 12:26 | Report abuse |
    • chandra

      Male bashing complaining?? No, just presenting another point of view.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:47 | Report abuse |
    • jane

      Its very possible. Being unhappy and depressed can cause tremendous pain physically for women.

      January 20, 2012 at 22:24 | Report abuse |
  11. John

    I'm surprised this counts as an article. I mean, how could sex not be fun/exciting after being married for many years with the same partner? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but sex makes up about an hour of my week (usually we only get to do it once a week), and I'd hate to change my entire life for it. I was a child of divorced parents. People say kids get over it, but not really. If you can't handle the reality that things may get complacent over time and you have to work at it, then you probably shouldn't get married in the first place.

    January 19, 2012 at 10:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • James the elder

      Word. I love my family more than I want better sex.

      January 19, 2012 at 10:56 | Report abuse |
    • Scott

      You said it better than I did.

      January 19, 2012 at 11:03 | Report abuse |
  12. Dan

    This is why both should take extramarital excursions once in a while. We did not evolve to be monogamous. We evolved to reproduce which is contrary to monogamy.

    January 19, 2012 at 11:17 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Rudy1

      Agreed...married 12 years with five kids. After finding out recently my wife was pregnant again with someone elses child we had a long talk about being more open to extramarital affairs. Now life is GREAT again and I pretty much get to have sex with anyone I want. Surprisingly things with the wifey have heated up too on occasions. Take my word for it when I tell you men were not desgned to be monogamous.

      January 19, 2012 at 11:57 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Rudy1, you're a cretin. You're a cuckold who's paying for someone else's progeny. How's it feel? You should've dumped her and required a DNA test and put the other guy on the Birth Certificate.

      January 19, 2012 at 12:58 | Report abuse |
    • Rudy1

      No man in his right mind would divorce a woman that lets him sleep around. Besides I still have feelings for her. This doesn't make me a bad dad either because she knows I take care of MY KIDS and the other guy has to pay us...cha-ching! Monogamy? More like DUMBOGAMY if you ask me!

      January 19, 2012 at 14:52 | Report abuse |
    • Babydoll

      Rudy, I think you should invite Ben Dover over. He'll probably have fun.

      January 20, 2012 at 00:16 | Report abuse |
  13. Dan

    This is why both should take extramarital excursions once in a while. Many marriages would last if affairs once in while were had. We did not evolve to be monogamous. We evolved to reproduce which is contrary to monogamy.

    January 19, 2012 at 11:20 | Report abuse | Reply
    • IgotID

      Its true. Humans evolved over hundreds of thousands of years (some would argue millions if you include our ancestors) in non-monogamous relationships. Marriage is man made and only a few thousand years old. Unless you are a creationist, marriage is not natural at all.

      January 19, 2012 at 11:37 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Dan, I like you already.

      January 19, 2012 at 12:27 | Report abuse |
  14. IgotID

    Read Helen Fisher regarding this subject. With a new relationship there a lot of hormones being released to the pleasure areas of the brain. These are the same parts of the brain stimulated by hard drugs (herion, cocaine) and that is why they are hard to kick. In long term relationships these areas are stimulated to a much lesser degree. It's evolutionary. To propogate the species, you just need to get along with someone long enough to mate and raise a child from infancy. About 5-6 years.

    January 19, 2012 at 11:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Ed

    I had two failed marriages in which the sex life was fantastic right up to the day they left me. I wasn't bad sex that caused the divorce: it was other issues.

    Sex can hold a marriage together, but it can't make a marriage last. That takes love, The only real glue in marriage is love.

    I never had a woman I was truly in love with, where we didn't "share," (key word: "share") a great sex life.

    January 19, 2012 at 11:51 | Report abuse | Reply
    • IgotID

      When talking about "love" it should be broken down into its elements, lust and attachment. Love is too generic a term.

      January 19, 2012 at 12:03 | Report abuse |
    • SilentBoy741

      Lust is fine, but I draw the line at using attachments.

      January 19, 2012 at 12:46 | Report abuse |
  16. Ben Dover

    55% divorce rate. The numbers don't lie.

    January 19, 2012 at 12:17 | Report abuse | Reply
    • brycecan

      A loser supporting the losers.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:31 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Don't be angry, Brycecan. Going through life fat, ugly and stupid is no way to live. At least lose the weight.

      January 20, 2012 at 10:38 | Report abuse |
  17. SilentBoy741

    So I says to my wife, "Honey, are we ever gonna have sex again?"

    She says, "Sure, just not with each other".

    Thank you, Mr. Dangerfield. We miss you.

    January 19, 2012 at 12:45 | Report abuse | Reply
    • James the elder

      So the guy says to his wife, "Honey, how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
      She says "You're never around when I do."

      January 19, 2012 at 17:49 | Report abuse |
  18. Biggins08

    This has got to be one of the dumbest articles I have ever read. Sex after divorce, does it get better? Of course the answer is HELL YEAH! Why do most ppl get divorced in the first place? Either there's no sex or there's a large difference in libido between the two married ppl. In fact, based on personal experience and consulting with others in the same boat, marriage is the single worst thing when it comes to sex! If you like to have sex then DO NOT EVEN DREAM OF GETTING MARRIED!!!!! And if you ARE married, and you have to deal with this kind of b.s. (and I know alot of you do) bc you want to spend more time with your kids or bc you can't afford to financially then your only two remaining options are 1) cheat, and do a good job so you don't get caught (FYI, takes ALOT of effort to find MARGINAL action AT BEST, plus lots of risk) or 2) develop a good alcohol/drug/food eating habit, something that takes your mind off of the mind numbing non-sense that is a sexless marriage, yet allows you to still be a fully functioning addict. The second option also has the silver lining of killing you off faster (on avg) than leading a healthier lifestyle, which would only serve to draw out the agony to the nth degree. Things to note: don't do anything stupid in front of your kids, if you have girls tell them to f like rabbits before they get married, and if you have boys tell them don't even think about marriage, its a large waste of time and money. Besides you can still have kids without being married, ppl do it all the time!

    January 19, 2012 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. PS

    i love having been fixed and screwing and all i shoot is blanks should have done when i was 18 instead of 28, guess that is why i got divorced never could make past the 7yr itch

    January 19, 2012 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. Seriously?

    Loves how the women are getting attacked, like its all the womans fault that the sex has went downhill in the marriage. Has a man EVER stopped to think that maybe, just maybe they're doing something wrong. Maybe women give up because the men do, think about it, during the dating period men are more apt to show affection. After the rings have been exchanged, wedding cake eaten, and honey moon is over all of that stops. Has it ever occured to a man that maybe a woman just needs that little bit of affection to change the "mood" in their relationship. Maybe women should remind men of that. I had to remind my husband. When we were dating he would come up behind me while I was cooking, cleaning, whatever and wrap his arms around me, kiss me on top of my head or back of my neck. But after we got married, and had a child, it all stopped. When things started getting shakey for us, we sat down and both pointed out things that we "used" to do and had quit. After we had that talk, things have been good. We find ourselves taking more time for each other rather that for everythign else. But either way, it's wrong that women are being so attacked on here, like its all their fault. This is the way I look at it, it takes TWO to make a marriage strong and it takes TWO to make it fail. Same with having sex. Takes two to make it good, two to make it bad. Oh yeah, and it's stupid to think that things can't be fixed, there's always a way to fix things in a marriage!

    January 19, 2012 at 12:53 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Sandra

      Seriously, what you are describing is LOVE and the reason most marriages fail, is because there is no TRUE LOVE in the marriage. Many people get married for the wrong reasons and the number one is lust. Once the lusting gets old then boredom kicks in and they don't really try to resolve their issues because there is nothing to resolve. Once lust is gone–it's gone. Kudos to you for working at making your marriage work.

      January 19, 2012 at 16:01 | Report abuse |
  21. Ben Dover

    Most women get fat, matronly and downright ugly. I take care of myself, workout and stay fit. I have money and a life I enjoy. Why would I stay married to someone who's broken down and doesn't take care of themself, and this is MOST women.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • chandra


      January 19, 2012 at 13:44 | Report abuse |
    • Maelius

      Yes women due tend to let themselves go and quickly too even in just a committed relationship. That is a pure statement that they don't care about their partner or themselves. Also, you can't tell them that they are getting fat either or you are demonized but then they want honest communication. I tried to lead by example in my last long term relationship by maintaining a fit, ever increasingly more muscular build at 185 pounds and 6 foot, but she just got wider and wider. Also, sex with someone who can't keep up physically with you is just tedious.I want to be enjoying sex with the person that I'm with rather than having to fantasize about someone else all the time in order orgasm.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:46 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Chandra, why thank you! The truth hurts, doesn't it? Lol.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:10 | Report abuse |
    • Vint

      Ben, all that money and you are still ugly on the inside.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:50 | Report abuse |
    • jane

      Actually its most people. Look around...most people, men and women are fat or obese.

      January 20, 2012 at 22:30 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Ben, you really are the class idiot. You don't stay with a woman or a man when they get old, you love them throughout their life because they are your family. If you choose wisely, you pick someone who you respect and love. Someone that engages your mind and your body, someone who is worth all. Real love doesn't get stale, real love, respectful loving relationships only get better.

      February 17, 2012 at 01:16 | Report abuse |
  22. JQP1122

    @bendover, @Dan, @IgotID

    All of you are soooo right. Don't listen to the neysayers because if they were right then the divorce rate would be oh say 10 – 20% BUT it is not is it. It actually hovers around 50%.

    I say how about redifining the concept of the "traditional marriage" as it relates to this outdated concept of monogamy. But again for all the neysayers and for those who would blast my idea I say refer to the divorce rate before you cast your stone. The divorce rate reinforces the need to redefine marriage or watch it become as extinct as the dinosaurs. Don't kill the messenger just cause you don't like the message.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:09 | Report abuse | Reply
    • IgotID

      Absolutely. And does anyone think for a second that all of the 50% of intact marriages are happy? I put the odds of getting married (in child bearing years), not getting divorced AND being genuinely happy at about 33%. 1 in 3 marriages. A lot of people just hate to hear that. It shakes the foundation of their existence and challenges their lifelong decision, but its true.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:18 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Both of your are correct, but we find that "religious" people and women, in particular, promote these fallacies of marriage to protect their own delusional interests.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:24 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Ben, Yep religious people and women. That's what I tell the single young guys (mid to late 20's) that I know. You really start to see the divide when you get into your late 30's. Granted, some men are happily married, but the majority of happy people in marriage are either religious or women. If you think someone or something is waiting on the other side and will have a special place for you because you were married, well it kind of makes sense. If you dont believe, over time, that can make things look pointless.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:00 | Report abuse |
  23. Todd Bandrowsky

    I love how Ben Dover is all manly and confident but can't use his real name. Obviously, not so brave as we thought, or, perhaps inherently dishonest.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:13 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Right Todd, now make my coffee and get back to work. I hate to tell you but, unlike you, I actually have a real career, make real money and value those relationships. I am only stating the facts and make a signficant income. The fact remains that most people don't like the truth and penalize those who speak it.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:17 | Report abuse |
    • JLA

      Right on, Todd! Yes, and somehow, BenDover has free time instead of counting his millions to spread his gospel. I would love to see what the real BenDover is like, and how fabulous his life is, now that is freed from the chains of matrimony and able to give everyone an extra dose of his awesome personality!! LOL

      January 19, 2012 at 15:33 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Oh, JLA, aren't you late for your career as a barista? lol

      January 19, 2012 at 15:38 | Report abuse |
  24. CHUCK

    Duh! You bet it gets better after a divorce. Bow-chicka-bow-wow. Marriage is grand...a divorce is a hundred grand.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Ben Dover

    Statisically and medically speaking, obesity is also much more frequent with women than it is with men.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:18 | Report abuse | Reply
    • chandra


      January 19, 2012 at 13:45 | Report abuse |
    • Maelius

      Only very slightly, something like a 1-2% difference.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:54 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Chandra, I hate to break it to you but 41 MILLION women are obese and only 37 Million men. Again, the numbers don't lie. It's revolting and nauseating.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:16 | Report abuse |
    • jane

      Who cares. Its still a lot of really fat people, both men and women. Actually, its only a .3 percent difference between men and women.

      January 20, 2012 at 22:39 | Report abuse |
  26. Todd Bandrowsky

    Well no Ben, I really don't care what you have. See, here's the thing. You've already pegged yourself as in it for yourself, and you've already said that you are not interested in any commitments to anyone, and so, like, what I don't get is, why are you trying to posture yourself as better, when, you're actually pretty useless? I mean, why bother with the whole superiority thing, when there's nothing you are actually willing to bring to the table? Seems to me that you're not any different than a homeless, selfish drunk. Whether you have a million dollars or a career, who cares, because at the end of the day, it's yours and yours alone, so that kinda makes you like a diamond in a museum, maybe interesting, but useless. Like why even bother trying to act like your better, to win, what?

    And, as far as the anonymity goes, really, what you are saying is that you want to be anonymous to avoid to the consequences of your speech, so basically, you are lying. So, now you are useless, and a liar, and I'm supposed to somehow be star struck by some supposed success that you have?

    Bore me to tears. Move along buckwheat, get back to your cash and your babes.. we don't need you at all.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:23 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Cupcake, don't go away all hot, bothered and angry, just go away. Lol.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:25 | Report abuse |
    • Kelly

      Well said, Todd!

      January 19, 2012 at 13:29 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Great, an underemployed code monkey is telling me about women and life. Lol. It's highly unlikely you've had more than 2-3 sexual partners in your entire life, and I doubt all of them were female. I suggest you get out more often and see the real world, perhaps travel outside of the US.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:31 | Report abuse |
    • Jenny Lynn

      Well played Todd and ILove the cut of your jib. Noones pay attention to that guycause that just what he does...Bend Over that is LOL!

      January 19, 2012 at 16:11 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      jenny, so just how fat and unattractive are you?

      January 19, 2012 at 16:45 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Sigh. You guys do get the fact that he has none of the things that he claims. He is not a rich executive. He is not a 'babe magnet.' He is a sad man, a man who is clueless, a man who really has some significant mental health issues. So, so many people have read his comments and thought, wow, there's medication for someone that pathetic. Anyone who deals in such a self serving world as this lives a horrible life. This is your little post office person who can't meet your eye but goes on a blog and thinks he's pretty hot. Let us treat mental health issues as what they are, deserving of our pity.

      February 17, 2012 at 01:20 | Report abuse |
  27. JQP1122


    You may be generous. From my 40 years on the planet I may put the odds at 1 in 4 or even 1 in 5 of married couples who each have never been divorced and would label their marriage as happy/good. And note, if either party is on a 2nd marriage then they have already become part of the divorce statistic regardless of how their 2nd/3rd... marriage is.

    So let's see what marriage as defined by the outdated 1950's Ozzie & Harriet era holds for us. High odd of divorce and even higher odds of being unhappy if divorce is not chosen. Sounds like a problem with the insitution of marriage and sounds like a time for a change.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:28 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Marriage is very risky and utterly pointless. In my case, my prenup saved my financial bacon. It's like insurance but with a likelihood of an accident being over 50% rather than the small % of likelihood of an auto accident of home damage. If someone told you that you'd have a 55% likelihood of a serious auto accident, would you even drive? Not likely. This is marriage, a 55% likelihood of a serious accident leaving you with 1/2 your assets and paying a woman to live. No thank you.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:37 | Report abuse |
  28. William Kenly

    "The Dogs of Divorce" by William Kenly explores various aspects to the topic of sex after divorce, including the feelings of inadequacy mixed with the feelings of utopia, getting into the dating scene, dealing with the patterns that were established in the prior relationship, and the myriad of emotions such as guilt, anger, teenage abandon. Ten 5-star reviews on Amazon and six on Barnes & Noble.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. Todd Bandrowsky

    I bet Ben Dover's wife dumped him for another guy, and he's never learned to accept it.. make tons of money, work out, get fit, yep... women are just objects, can't deal with rejection so I'll just be selfish and rationalize it... yawn, been there, done that. you might be right there Ben, oh cupcake, about me needing to travel, but I think you need a fricking drink.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Personally, I love when code monkeys who are more comfortable with reddit & 4chan opine about things they are utterly clueless about, such as women and relationships. I suggest you focus on having sex first. Lol.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:48 | Report abuse |
    • JLA

      Couldn't have said it better myself. I've met BenDover's kind before, and it ain't pretty...

      January 19, 2012 at 15:35 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      JLA, kiss kiss. Lol.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:40 | Report abuse |
  30. Melissa

    Sorry for waiting so long to reply, I had to get done giggling, and then I had to email my husband your comments so he could laugh too. I am a very fit 35 year old professional who is working on her doctorate, and should be doing research rather than this. I am an avid runner, and am what most people would call very attractive. Seriously, how I look is the least interesting thing about me. My husband is with me because of my heart and mind. It is important for me to look nice and keep myself looking pretty because I am a professional but also I like to do this for my husband too. When you get to your 30's, you are supposed to be of the developmental level that sees past the bright shiny things and understands this life is about more than that.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:46 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Melissa, you're happy as long as your husband does what he's told. Now tell me, have either of you been divorced before? It's likely the answer is "yes"! It's not likely that you're attractive. You may be fit from running, but that also remains to be seen. Most women working on their doctorate and/or advanced degrees aren't that attractive and are doing that because they don't have the physical beauty and any other viable options. That's a fact.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:51 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Also, what is with your fixation on the whole oral thing? Really? I hate to break it to, Mr. Dover, but that is not what most people call edgy. For most married people, it's more of assumed that is a regular part of married life and happens EVERY time, not like this racy thing only super cool 30 something year old do. I mean, that's sad that you would even mention it in the context you did. That's not a wild thing, that's just called part of sex.

      January 19, 2012 at 13:51 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Melissa, thank you for verifying that I was right on all points. Your husband is a doormat. Good to know. Lol.

      He may "agree" with you because he's afraid to disagree. Typical.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:03 | Report abuse |
    • Todd Bandrowsky

      All I gotta say Mr. Dover and Mr. Hunt, is that if you're just settling for Latinas at the truck stop, and have never been with a girl like Melissa, then you've never really even been laid. "listening to your partner's body" Good god Melissa, your husband is a lucky man!

      January 19, 2012 at 14:05 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Well Melissa wait until your mid-40's. Then your husbands eyes will REALLY start to wander. And I know what you're going to say "you're just wrong, that could never happen to me!". LOL

      January 19, 2012 at 14:07 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      So, you are totally unwilling to even entertain the idea that you may be missing something? "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. " ~Aristotle; I really do feel sorry for you, someone who chooses to be so blind and so unwilling to have an adult discussion, who still at his age uses contempt and bullying to keep himself from the uncomfortable reality of looking at himself and seeing what deep down his heart knows is wrong. Enjoy that nursing home, because the best nursing home that money can buy is... still a nursing home.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:13 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Thank you, Todd! I don't think these guys even know what a real relationship is...

      January 19, 2012 at 14:19 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Melissa, I've been married and it's pointless. Answer the question: have either you or your husband been divorced?
      I'm well educated, make a significant income and realize the people like you are the ones who don't expand your mind the other possibilities. That's the fact. Marriage is norm and I'm living my life as MOST men would want to, if they weren't defecating themselves they're so scared of upsetting their wife and dvorce.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:26 | Report abuse |
  31. Melissa

    LOL. I really don't think you have ever actually met someone with a doctorate. Lots and lots of people have advanced degrees, to say that they are all unattractive is ridiculous. Sigh. I need to stop this, I am clearly wasting my time when it would be better spent talking to another grown up. I am also sorry you deliberately misunderstood me when I said men need to listen to their wives about sex. I am talking about the communication of lovers, listening to your partner's body, keeping it fresh, engaging your partner's mind and not only their body. It is an act of love, not a passive self gratifying event. I wouldn't dream of telling my husband what to do, why would I? That's sophmoric and idiotic. I would never assume to tell my husband, another adult, what to do.

    January 19, 2012 at 13:58 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Melissa, lets face it MOST female doctoral candidates just aren't attractive. You and I both know this and it's a fact. Talk to me when your husband is getting some strange on the side because the kids are taking too much time, you've become less appealing, etc. It happens, most of the time.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
  32. Mike Hunt

    WOW! The fact that Melissa wrote "Mr. Dover" tells me all I need to know about her. Im with you Ben... Ben Dover (hee hee)... I would rather jump in my Aston Martin and head on down to Tribeca and find me a Latina that will blow the doors off of me and my car ;o) Marriage is for the poor. Im a big fan of oral as well.

    January 19, 2012 at 14:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • IgotID

      lol, yea next thing you know, she'll be calling out to see if anyone has seen "Mike Hunt"

      January 19, 2012 at 14:04 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Wow. What a group of thinkers. It's amazing you guys are still single, you would have thought girls would have snapped gems like you guys up... Sarcasm is what the the grownups use, and clearly, we should not do that when we are talking to you. I actually think that you should run on down to Tribeca and do that, enjoy the lovely STD you are going to get there!

      January 19, 2012 at 14:06 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Well Melissa, I'm actually married. My wife is very attractive but we've been together 15 years. Not easy. All I would suggest, is maybe thinking about when you notice famous people messing up in their marriages. Usually starts in the early to mid 40's. There are powerful evolutionary and biological reasons for it. Regular guys think the same, we just dont make the news.

      January 19, 2012 at 14:14 | Report abuse |
  33. Janet

    Don't know why I'm responding to this article because it's dumb. But I will anyway. What a bunch of self-absorbed narcissistic superficial losers most of you guys are.

    Lesbianism seems to be epidemic these days and judging from this thread I can see why.

    January 19, 2012 at 14:54 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Great, more hot chicks for me since primarily fat and unattractive broken women delve into tacos and clam digging.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:10 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      Bend Over, if a hot chick came on to you you wouldn't be able to get it up if it was attached to a draw bridge.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:37 | Report abuse |
  34. Janet

    And by the way. A man doesn't need lots of moolah to find a fine woman. Unless of course he's ugly.

    January 19, 2012 at 14:57 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Honey, money gives me options other guys wish they could have and you're not hot, so I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Lol.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:19 | Report abuse |
    • Joanna

      That money doesn't seem to be buying you quality... if it did you wouldn't be talking like that. Just because she's hot doesn't mean she's worth having. You obviously are not happy with the choices in women you do have... (probably bunch of golddiggers) I'd hide the money if I were you, and look for a girl who is hot and into you, and not your money.

      January 19, 2012 at 18:13 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      Bend Over has more STD's than a Kardashian.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:38 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Joanna, I just have sex with them. I don't marry them. You're obviously fat and unattractive.

      January 20, 2012 at 10:40 | Report abuse |
  35. Bill

    Did anybody ask Newt?

    January 19, 2012 at 15:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Melissa


      January 19, 2012 at 15:23 | Report abuse |
  36. JQ


    January 19, 2012 at 15:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. HockeyMinny

    Melissa; Apparently being a husband isn't cool to some of the blogging bretheran. I have been married and divorced more than once have come to the realization that sex ranks too high on the ladder of life. Money (to me is meant for existance only), not the focal point. My family means everything to me, as well as a strong faith. It's funny that no fellow bloggers commented on the whole faith aspect but I will...sex outside of marriage is wrong. I know most think I'm a wing nut but I've learned the hard way that looking is just as bad as touching... intent is what matters and of the examples I set for my kids... faith, love and fidelity are the most important things I can pass on to them... not money. I feel sorry for many posters here because I once let money, looks and sex run my life. I may be poorer but I am wealthy in other ways that matter the most. Don't be a hater!!!

    January 19, 2012 at 15:09 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JQ

      Sex outside of marriage is wrong...I suppose your faith says that divorce is just fine though. Heck, since you do not want to have sex outside of marriage I suppose that is why you have been, "married and divorced more than once". Gimmie a break.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:13 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Let me clue you in. The whole "god" thing, it's a myth created by men to subjugate and control me.
      The earth is approximately 4.5 BILLION years old.
      Dinosaurs existed, just not with man (who has roots going back more than 4 MILLION years).
      Evolution is both a scientific theory AND a fact.
      There is no empirical, peer reviewed and academically accepted data that "jesus" or "mohammed" ever existed. None. You'd think that there be some evidence and legitimate proof of life for the most important "person" to christianity? But there isn't. Lol.

      You need to get out more often.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:14 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Ben, don't muddle the issue with facts. That just offends a lot of people.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:17 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      IgotID, I like the cut of your jib. Funny how the holy rollers pick and choose what applies to them. I always find it funny and ironic.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:21 | Report abuse |
    • Scott

      Looking is as bad as touching if and only if your spouse is not confident.

      I look at pretty women all of the time. Half the time my wife will point them out to me. But she's confident enough to know that she is the one I am really interested in and she's confident enough in our love to know (and she is right) that I will remain faithful to her.

      THAT SAID...

      Some women can't help but be insecure. So you have to take their feelings into account. One of them may be to shy away from "looking" so as to not put her in a situation where she can't feel jealous despite herself.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:21 | Report abuse |
  38. Scott

    For my own experience, heck yeah it does.

    I was married for 18 years to a woman who did not really like sex. Once I started dating (and inevitably having sex again) my range of sexual experiences widened tremendously. I once joked "I have to think up new fantasies; I've already lived through my old ones!"

    I have a new wife and out sex life is awesome. I never would have imagined, several years back, that my sex life was ever going to be fulfilling.

    January 19, 2012 at 15:18 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Joanna

      Yeah, she didn't like sex with You...

      It's sad but most women marry men they are not attracted to. It's the men's fault really... the girl who was hot and ready for you? You dumped her because you thought she was easy and wasn't hard to get. The girl you married? She was hard to get because she didn't really like you all that much. But she liked what you had so she settled... Congrats... find a girl sexually attracted to you. Stop flaunting your money or cars find one who is just into you!

      January 19, 2012 at 16:40 | Report abuse |
    • D

      @Joanna. That makes a lot of sense! Sad state of affairs it is though.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:23 | Report abuse |
  39. HockeyMinny

    Ok Guys;
    One more quick post then back to my rocket science. Sorry I tried to weave in the faith thing. I apologize (just kidding), as for multiple marriages, yup, we have all made at least one mistake and yes it takes two. I stand firm with my beliefs (aint America great!) Ben, I hate to say it but you will wake up one day lonely and dying and all the do-ray-me in the world won't fix it. But heck, you'll have plenty of time in heaven to make up for it... right? Don't be a hater guys... the world doesn't resolve around you. Now where did I put my rocket wrench?

    January 19, 2012 at 15:26 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      So, how is it being employed by jiffy lube?

      January 19, 2012 at 15:41 | Report abuse |
  40. Mike Rotch

    Grow up everyone.

    Love and sex are two very different things. I love one woman but I want to have sex with thousands of women.

    Understand that and you can fin your peace.

    January 19, 2012 at 15:40 | Report abuse | Reply
    • j10

      That's probably the realist comment I have seen on this article. I think atleast 80% of men who are honest with themselves will admit to what you just stated.........

      January 20, 2012 at 10:34 | Report abuse |
  41. stainedundies

    Unfortunately my wife just says she has a low libido and leaves it at that. However, when she wanted a 2nd child, she would practically rape me. It just seems like women use sex to get what they want and men have sex because they actually want sex.

    January 19, 2012 at 15:44 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      You're living the life of MOST married men. I am happily divorced. I also guarantee she'll hump the heck out of a boyfriend while you're working to pay for everything. Lol.

      January 19, 2012 at 15:49 | Report abuse |
  42. Mike Rotch

    B. Dover is a wise man. This world would be a lot better if people woke up and accepted the truth he's speaking.
    Women use sex as a tool or as a means to an end.
    Marriage is a useless boundry of the basic drive of a man's existence. You can love in a devoted way but don't hold back on sex with many many women. If you do hold back your reprssion will come out in other ways....mania...depression...etc..\

    live a little

    January 19, 2012 at 16:33 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Truer words were never spoken.

      January 19, 2012 at 16:37 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      He's a freaking idiot. Seriously, you need to get your head out of your butt and realize that not all women are the same, just like not all men are the same. You really want to go there with the rates of mental illness of men vs. women??? I think not. Seriously, if you want your wife to be a better wife, negotiate a reason for her to be one, and that includes being a better husband.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:06 | Report abuse |
    • brycecan

      Yet another man who cannot recover from being rejected. Sad.

      January 19, 2012 at 21:40 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Brycecan, I knew you were a fat, fugly woman. Good to know. Lol.

      January 20, 2012 at 10:42 | Report abuse |
  43. Dennis

    Well, after 13 years of marriage, I can honestly say that sex virtually ends after a while in marriage. My wife reduced it to one night a week...typically Sundays for us. If you do the math and take out those times when she can not, that is about 24 times a year. That is hardly enough for the average male. I must agree with a previous post that marriage can wreck a sex life and is pointless to most men with ambition and the desire to achieve. Women typically just want a man around for their own sense of security and forget the fact that they must continue to do things that will enhance the chances of him wanting to stay in the marriage. It is a sad but honest truth.

    January 19, 2012 at 16:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Melissa

      Wow, it's not even letting me post anymore what I think of this, but letting that other dover guy post? Really?

      January 19, 2012 at 16:51 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Dennis, a very rationale, reasonable post. Note that a lot of women get angry and indignant when they are subject to this train of thought. "There must be something with you, you need to try harder". I hear it all the time. However, when kids are involved, things get really complicated. You just cant tell her to take a hike anymore. I often wonder, why am I trying to fix what isnt there?

      January 19, 2012 at 16:51 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      No, you are really just not engaging her anymore, and not taking any of the responsibility. Marriage goes both ways. Most women are completely happy having a good sex life, when she doesn't, or he doesn't, something is wrong.

      January 19, 2012 at 16:52 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      As for not being able to have a career and be productive AND be a spouse, I need to refer you also to examples of high functioning people who do it all the time. Many, many people are able to be happy and make their marriage work and find peace and comfort in their families. If it doesn't work for you, or if do not have the skills to do so, then fine, don't do it. I am not saying everyone can do it, what I am saying is that you are really not speaking for the masses at all. Statistics back me up here, you are just finding excuses to not cope.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:23 | Report abuse |
  44. Nikole

    Not all women are the same! I know many married women who have a very active sex life and have been married for years. For the married guys out there who are not getting the sex life they want...they should just call a phone sex operator, risk FREE and anonymous 888-471-4468

    January 19, 2012 at 16:45 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ben Dover

      Nikole, of course not all of them are the same, just most of them and we both know it.

      January 19, 2012 at 16:47 | Report abuse |
  45. Melissa

    Seriously, those of you are saying that it is biology or evolution are really just not taking accountability of your own marriage. Use whatever excuses you want, but if you are not asking yourself how you can be a better spouse, every day, then you are not doing enough.

    January 19, 2012 at 16:54 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Melissa

      The studies or data you are referencing is from a few poorly done studies from special interest groups that the scientific community basically laughed at.

      January 19, 2012 at 16:56 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      That data said that we can't think on a higher plane than animals... which is wrong. Simple anatomy and understanding the brain will tell you that is not true. What we are seeing here is men using their poor views of women to make excuses for being poor partners.

      January 19, 2012 at 16:58 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      When was the last time that you men in unsatisfying marriages really LOOKED at your wife, and asked her what her hopes/dreams/disappointments were while you were both not paying attention to each other? When was the last time you did something kind to show her your love or respect? THOSE are the kinds of things that make a woman want to have sex with you.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:00 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Why arent' you asking yourself how you can love this woman, when was the last time that you men in unsatisfying marriages really LOOKED at your wife, and asked her what her hopes/dreams/disappointments were while you were both not paying attention to each other? When was the last time you did something kind to show her your love or respect? THOSE are the kinds of things that make a woman want to have sex with you.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:01 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Melissa, you take away our clothes, cars, nice homes and we're mammals. If our food supply was interrupted for 72 hours, how civil would everyone be by day 3? I guarantee you and everyone else would start acting in a very primal way. Yes we can will ourselves to tolerate something we dont really enjoy anymore, but if one spends all day at work, what joy comes out of "working at a relationship" the rest of our waking hours? Yes there are some good things about being married, but sometimes, for a lot of guys, its like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Many just dont have the temperment for it. Where would we be if guys like Columbus, Magellan stayed home tending to their wives needs?

      January 19, 2012 at 17:13 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      No, we are not ordinary mammals. I seriously need to refer you to a very basic class in anatomy. We have more 'wiring' to use simplistic terminology, than most mammals. Those mammals that are able to think at a higher level do. As for what would happen if you took away our way of life, yes, we would act in ways we shouldn't. If you take any being out of their environment, they will be thrown out of their homeostatis and will form new coping mechanisms, some will be maladaptive.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:20 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Melissa, you're a well educated intelligent woman. Can I ask how long have you been married? 5 years, maybe 7? Be honest.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:24 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Actually, I was married before, when I was very young, only 19. I was not old enough to really be a very good wife. I tried, and so did he, but we were too young to even know who we were, but less able to do the work and commintment it takes. We divorced, and I have been happily married for many years to my husband now, who works his tail off to be good to me and to our family. I work very hard too, I learned from failing at my marriage when I was young that if you are not careful, if you do not treat your spouse as the most important person, and always do your very best to show them love and respect, that you can lose something very important.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:28 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      What I don't understand is why it is so unbelievable to you men that an attractive woman loves her husband and is happy and content with marriage? I agree it is not for everyone. My husband and I have FUN. In every day things. We have sex nearly EVERY day. It is really the most fun thing in the world that I get to be married to this smart, wonderful, kind man, and he makes every day things better just because we play and have each other to hold at the end of the day? My grandfather picked flowers for my grandmother nearly every day in the summer. Please know that sometimes, marriage works, and it's beautiful.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:34 | Report abuse |
    • IgotID

      Oh I see. Already one marriage? With all due respect, how can you condemn men who are against it if you saw fit to get a divorce?

      "and I have been happily married for many years". You really haven't hit the boredom stage till you hit about the 12-15 year mark. Takes two people to be in a marriage, but only one to end it. How about your husband, what was the length of his longest previous relationship before you?

      January 19, 2012 at 17:40 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      Sigh. Really? I actually thought you were smarted than that. You were at least trying to understand our own species, however using pop science garbage to do it and serve your own purposes. I never condemned divorce. Ever. What I said is that if you make the promise, if you make the commitment, then you should do your best to honor it, to try, rather than just go and screw whatever because you are a little bored or self involved. I started writing on this blog, which I usually never do because who has that kind of time, because I feel sorry for so many of the men I see die. (and women, when it applies) They regret going with their impuless when they were at the age (40's- early 50's) where men fear death, and so go and have affairs or whatever and regret it deeply. So many of them have lost their families for what? A momentary want? One that they could have gotten if they just tried something different with their wife. Why is good bye always the answer for this age group of men? Or hating women? That gets a little tiring.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:49 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      And I am not saying I think everyone should get married. Far from it. I'm saying that you shouldn't do it, make the promise, and then blame the woman (or all women) because you are feeling low self esteem or have just realized that you will not live forever. I am challenging the men who are saying all women are bad, manipulative, ect, ect. I am sure that all the men who are spewing that garbage were raised by women who hoped for so much more for them. Sure, there are women that are awful. I know this. I hope my sons do not have to deal with them. But I also hope that my sons do not have to listen to the self serving garbage that you guys have been telling yourself as a means to anethesize yourselves from yourself.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:54 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      And by the way, you don't know how long my husband and I have been married. He was not married before me. Like I said, I was married very young previously, and I was his first and only wife. He and I are both committed to each other, and I am honored to be his wife. After all these years, I can honestly say it is just getting better. Not to say that we have never had challenges, of course we have. But I will never, ever take him for granted, because we only have this short life, and I'm lucky enough to get to live it with him.

      January 19, 2012 at 17:59 | Report abuse |
    • stainedundies

      So Melissa, you're saying that women do not use sex as a means of power in a relationship with a man?

      January 19, 2012 at 21:13 | Report abuse |
    • Ben Dover

      Melissa, you're truly delusional and trying far too hard to convince us, men in general and yourself. I feel sorry for you.

      January 20, 2012 at 00:03 | Report abuse |
  46. Mike

    How important is great sex and attraction as a factor in thinking of getting married to someone?

    January 19, 2012 at 17:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • KeithTexas

      It is everything to you, and your woman needs to know that and take care of you. Then you have a responsibility to her too, you need to make wure she gets what she needs in the relationship so that she will continue to have great sex with you.

      If it isn't mind blowing before marriage, it will never be good

      January 20, 2012 at 00:01 | Report abuse |
  47. Vanwa

    Yes let's all revert to the trogloditic behavior of prehistoric humans. While we're at it why not revert to anarchy as well. I've been through my share of deceptive and sexually non-exploratory women, but to imply that sex necessarily fades in a relationship after marriage is simply incorrect. Do you think your money will help you if you develop alzeheimers and don't have a trustworthy partner to ensure that your healthcare workers are doing the right thing? Do you think not having a close advocate in this world will ensure a happy future?

    January 19, 2012 at 18:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. cogito ergo sum

    Has anyone wondered why, if "Ben Dover" is truly as rich, successful, and popular with women as he claims, why is he expending so much time and energy trying to convince a bunch of anonymous strangers in cyberspace how great he is? You'd think he'd be too busy running hedge funds or leveraging buyouts in between Jacuzzi soaks with aspiring models to care what we think. If we're all the ugly shrews or pathetic losers he says we are, why would he even care what we think?

    "The secret life of Walter Mitty" comes to mind.

    January 19, 2012 at 18:41 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Vanwa

      Hey I like giant elephant shrews!! Good point though.

      January 19, 2012 at 19:15 | Report abuse |
    • Melissa

      because he's a pathetic little man. I wish I would have come down harder in the reality department when I was talking to him. Men like him really make all men look like they are imcompetent fools who are bumbling in the sex department. He couldn't get his wife satisfied, so now we spews hatred everywhere. When a functional person fails, they look to themselves to see what they did to contribute to the failure. Only people like this, the very weakest of our species, do what he has done, which is find a reason and an ENTIRE gender as the problem. Weak. And alone.

      February 24, 2012 at 01:52 | Report abuse |
  49. unowhome

    If your a man with a high sex drive and don't want kids then I don't recommend getting married until age 50. For the most part men always want sex no matter what. Women on the other hand allow any and everything to worry them or stress them which equals less sex. For high sex drive guys that want kids, good luck because having a kids can wreck a woman's body and mental sex drive. I fully understand that sex isn't everything in a marriage but it should be high on the list because if you want to be married to man then you must understand sex is a requirement not an option.

    January 19, 2012 at 20:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Carla Vazq

      Vasectomy? They are reversible!

      January 20, 2012 at 19:04 | Report abuse |
  50. brycecan

    Yes, and it really gets exiting when you come back from the doctor with that positive HSV IgG type 2 antibody being positive. Lots of fun and excitment then. M0R0NS.

    January 19, 2012 at 21:11 | Report abuse | Reply
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