![]() |
|
![]()
January 11th, 2012
11:01 AM ET
How to deal with mean peopleEditor's note: CNN contributor Amanda Enayati ponders the theme of seeking serenity: the quest for well-being and life balance in stressful times.
“Hey! This is a crosswalk!” I yelled through the passing car’s open window. “I don’t care!” The driver shot back. Mean people, like vermin, have been around forever. But for some reason - maybe it’s the economic trials of these past few years - there seem to be more of them than there used to be. And I’m not the only one who thinks so: A 2010 National Civility Survey found that two out of three Americans believe civility is a major issue, and three in four believe the negative tenor in our country has grown worse over the past few years. “Civility is about how we treat one another in everyday life and is closely related to ethics. The principle of respect for the person holds that we ought to treat others as an end in themselves, rather than as a means for the satisfaction of our own immediate needs and desires.” I find myself nodding in agreement with Dr. Forni, but then I try to imagine repeating his words to the dude who almost ran us down in the crosswalk. I’m thinking that guy may not be convinced with an argument about the interplay between ethics and civility. So why should we be nice if we don’t have to be? The health benefits, for one. According to Forni, “Science tells us that when we engage in acts of civility and kindness, both the person on the giving end and the one on the receiving end benefit; it’s known as ‘helper’s high.’ Cascades of hormones and neurotransmitters activate when we are giving a token of our civility.” Indeed, a slew of studies confirm that kinder people tend to live longer and lead healthier lives; volunteers have fewer aches and pains; and compassionate people are more likely to be healthier and successful. Widespread incivility, on the other hand, can wreak havoc. Mean people, writes Stanford professor Robert Sutton, have “devastating effects, partly because nasty interactions have a far bigger impact on our moods than positive interactions - five times the punch.” Says Sutton: “You have to overwhelm the negative with so much positive, it’s ridiculous!” Moreover, due to a process called emotional contagion, the ripple effects of demeaning acts adversely affect coworkers, family members and friends who watch - or even just hear about - ugly incidents. Sutton has written widely about the economic and social benefits of rooting out jerks from the workplace (except Dr. Sutton doesn’t call them jerks). His bestselling book is called "The No A**hole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t." Sutton distinguishes between occasional rudeness - of which everyone is more or less guilty - and certified jerks. His “Dirty Dozen” of common everyday actions that out a certified nasty person include: personal insults, invading one’s personal territory, uninvited physical contact, threats and intimidation (both verbal and nonverbal), sarcastic jokes and teasing used as insult delivery systems, withering email flames, status slaps intended to humiliate their victims, public shaming or status degradation rituals, rude interruptions, two-faced attacks, dirty looks, and treating people as if they are invisible. Certified jerks display persistent patterns of these bad behaviors and have a long trail of victims. (Sutton has also developed a self-test called the ARSE, but I took it and I’m pretty sure it can be gamed.) But why are people mean? Forni suggests a handful of root causes that may cover the entire spectrum of uncivilized behavior: lack of restraint; stress, illness or depression; anonymity; insecurity; lack of time; or a sense of entitlement. “All of these factors can work together,” says Forni. “In traffic, for example, anonymity and stress work together. The first driver cuts off the second driver. Perhaps both are late and therefore anxious. They don’t think they know one another. And so they engage in some finger puppetry. But say one of the drivers suddenly recognizes the other as the pastor of his church. You will have an immediate effort to minimize what happened.” According to Forni, anonymity also plays into uncivil behavior online: “You have this wonderful technological marvel that can improve our lives and yet it has become a dismal collector of the moral toxins of our society.” (Imagine Forni’s elegant turns of phrase spoken with a fabulous Italian accent.) Ultimately, civility is about power - and character. “The difference between how a person treats the powerless versus the powerful is as good a measure of human character as I know,” writes Sutton. Since nasty people are unavoidable in daily life, Sutton offers a few tips how to deal with them - and perhaps rebound more quickly from run-ins: Stand up or develop indifference. Sutton says that if you find yourself the victim of bad behavior, do a power analysis: “You can either address the problem directly, or you can exercise the fine art of emotional detachment. Can you take a picture of the jerk’s license plate and report him to the police? Is there a number on the side of his car you can call? If yes, fine. If not, then try to forget the incident as quickly as possible. There are times when things are beyond your control and the best thing for your mental health is not to give a damn. In those circumstances, find ways to engage in short-term denial.” Reframe and change how you see things. Attempt to reframe a run-in with a jerk in way that is less upsetting. “This is a kind of mini cognitive therapy,” says Sutton. If you can’t escape a stressor, you can reduce the damage by changing your mind-set about what’s happening. “Develop a coping mechanism, if you must. Sometimes we are able to find delusions that serve us.” Sutton offers a reframing example from a recent holiday meal, where a relative did something rude. "Afterwards I was complaining to my wife and she turned to me and said: ‘I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want the 1% that was bad to ruin the 99% that was good.’ And then she left the room. It was surprisingly effective.” Sutton cautions, however, that if you’re in a long-term situation that is bad every time, reframing will not make it go away. Limit your exposure. Avoid if you need to. For example, if you shop at the same place frequently, go out of your way to avoid the mean clerks. By limiting how often and intensely you face jerks, you create a buffer against their demeaning behavior. In a work context, Sutton offers additional strategies, like building pockets of safety, support and sanity; and seeking and fighting battles that you have a good chance of winning. Later, reflecting on Sutton’s strategies - stand your ground, detach, reframe and avoid - I am reminded of the oft-repeated meditation for “the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” And I add a little prayer of my own: “Please God, next time grant me a baseball bat for the car that almost ran my kid over.” |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love. |
|
Hey nice to see you there beeing posting again yea? I like your post alot seriously hook me up sometime dude
http://www.eleasing.xmc.pl
I am no longer certain where you are getting your information,
however good topic. I must spend a while learning
much more or working out more. Thank you for fantastic info I used to be searching for
this information for my mission.
My web page – online game xe88
For the reason that the admin of this web site is working, no doubt very quickly it
will be famous, due to its feature contents.
My web-site: xe88 game online
Genuinely no matter if someone doesn't understand then its up to other viewers that they
will assist, so here it occurs.
My page :: mega888 malaysia
Hello there! Would you mind if I share your blog with
my myspace group? There's a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content.
Please let me know. Thanks
Also visit my web site :: 918kaya; Lenard,
Saya akan segera ambil rss Anda karena saya tidak bisa
Saya yakin artikel ini telah menyentuh semua pengunjung internet, benar-benar bagus
pos tentang membangun blog baru.
my site – Joker123 indoklik88 (https://gameaco.com/)
I know this if off topic but I'm looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is needed to get set up?
I'm assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny?
I'm not very internet smart so I'm not 100% positive.
Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Appreciate it
Also visit my site :: 918kiss welcome bonus
There is certainly a great deal to find out about this issue.
I really like all of the points you've made.
My site ... download game Kiss918
Thanks for finally writing about > How to deal with mean people
– The Chart – CNN.com Blogs < Loved it!
My web site xe88 promotion
Looks like my search for informative blogs on this subject has finally come to an end! Even though I recognize that you have a life, but I would definitely like to see this blog updated more often.
http://www.m106.com
Śmiać się często i serdecznie, zdobyć szacunek ludzi inteligentnych i błyskotliwych a także sympatię dzieci i młodzieży – to znaczy odnieść prawdziwy realny sukces :-). R.W. Emerson. Do You Seen ? USA* Vortal > http://www.USA.XMC.PL
http://www.ekonom.xmc.pl
Kobiety nie lubią bohaterów, lubią zwycięzców... Cult of Flawless Victory RUlz. R. Beauvais! POZDRO 600!
http://www.ekonom.xmc.pl
I have had my brand new Apple iphone Four for less than a couple of days now and i should point out that for any individual thinking of getting an phone, just purchase the 3gs. Not only will you save a lot of money but you will probably save yourself a great deal of headaches.
http://www.taxes.xmc.pl
Hello to all, the contents present at this web site are genuinely amazing
for people experience, well, keep up the nice work fellows.
My web-site :: hengheng2 mega888
Hello mates, how is everything, and what you desire to say on the topic of this post, in my view its truly
remarkable designed for me.
Feel free to surf to my homepage :: mega888 download
I really love your site.. Pleasant colors & theme.
Did you create this website yourself? Please reply back as I'm wanting to
create my very own website and would love to find out where you got this from or exactly what the
theme is named. Thanks!
Look into my website :: kiosk mega888
I blog quite often and I truly thank you for your information. This great article has really peaked my interest. I'm going to bookmark your website and keep checking for new information about once per week. I subscribed to your Feed as well.
https://extraproxies.com/buy-proxies/50-proxy-pack/
https://www.letterballoons.net
I was curious if you ever considered changing the layout of your website? Its very well written; I love what youve got to say. But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better. Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1 or 2 images. Maybe you could space it out better?
http://www.stornobrzinol.com/
Everything is very open with a clear description of the challenges.
It was definitely informative. Your site is useful.
Many thanks for sharing!
Also visit my website id test mega88
Thanks for finally writing about > How to deal with
mean people – The Chart – CNN.com Blogs < Loved it!
my website ... download kiss918 for
ios
Greate pieces. Keep posting such kind of information on your site.
Im really impressed by your site.
Hi there, You've performed an excellent job. I will certainly digg it and individually recommend to my friends.
I'm sure they will be benefited from this site.
My blog post: Mega88 download
My spouse and I stumbled over here by a different web address
and thought I might as well check things out. I like what I see so i am just
following you. Look forward to finding out about your web
page repeatedly.
my blog post – cara masuk id test mega888
Why are steroids on the rise again today more than ever?
https://roids101.com/
hey there and thank you for your information – I have definitely picked up something new from
right here. I did however expertise a few technical issues
using this web site, as I experienced to reload the web site lots of
times previous to I could get it to load correctly.
I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK? Not that I am complaining, but
slow loading instances times will very frequently
affect your placement in google and could damage your high quality
score if ads and marketing with Adwords. Well I'm adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for much more of
your respective fascinating content. Ensure that you update this again soon.
Feel free to visit my homepage: mega88 ios
Amazing issues here. I am very happy to peer your post. Thanks so much and I'm having
a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail?
my blog post ... slot mega888
I do accept as true with all of the ideas you've introduced for your post.
They're very convincing and will definitely work. Still,
the posts are very quick for newbies. May you please lengthen them a
little from next time? Thank you for the post.
Here is my web-site mega888 for ios
Hi there, i read your blog occasionally and i own a
similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam feedback?
If so how do you reduce it, any plugin or anything you can recommend?
I get so much lately it's driving me mad so any
assistance is very much appreciated.
Take a look at my web site – kiosk mega888 vip
Right now it appears like Expression Engine is the top
blogging platform available right now. (from what I've read) Is that
what you are using on your blog?
Feel free to surf to my page; download mega888 original (https://mega888-my.com)
Excellent blog post. I definitely appreciate this site.
Keep writing!
Also visit my page: download mega888 original (xe88sg.com)
Have you ever thought about creating an e-book or guest authoring on other sites?
I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and would love to have you
share some stories/information. I know my viewers would appreciate your work.
If you are even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.
Feel free to surf to my web-site :: mega888apk – xe88-my.com,
That is very attention-grabbing, You're an overly professional blogger.
I have joined your feed and look ahead to looking for more of your great post.
Additionally, I've shared your site in my social networks
My website ... 918kiss scr
Thank you a lot for sharing this with all folks you actually
realize what you're speaking approximately! Bookmarked.
Please additionally consult with my site =).
We could have a hyperlink alternate arrangement among us
Feel free to surf to my website ... mega888 for ios
Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon everyday.
It's always helpful to read content from other writers and
practice a little something from other sites.
Feel free to visit my web site – online Game casino indonesia
I've been exploring for a little bit for any high quality articles or blog posts on this
kind of area . Exploring in Yahoo I eventually stumbled upon this website.
Studying this information So i'm satisfied to
express that I have a very just right uncanny feeling
I discovered just what I needed. I such a lot surely
will make certain to don?t omit this site and give it a
glance regularly.
Feel free to surf to my homepage; casino games
With havin so much content and articles do you ever run into any problems
of plagorism or copyright infringement? My website has a
lot of unique content I've either created myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it
is popping it up all over the web without my permission. Do you know any
ways to help reduce content from being stolen? I'd truly appreciate it.
Feel free to visit my website Online Casino Malaysia Minimum Deposit Rm10
Hey there! Someone in my Facebook group shared this site with us so
I came to give it a look. I'm definitely loving the information.
I'm bookmarking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
Exceptional blog and amazing design.
Here is my web blog: blackjack game
An outstanding share! I've just forwarded this onto a coworker who had been conducting a little research on this.
And he actually bought me breakfast due to the fact that I found it for
him... lol. So allow me to reword this.... Thanks for
the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending the time to talk about this topic here on your website.
my web page :: Akaun Test Mega888 – Xe88-App.Com,
Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you so much, However I
am encountering issues with your RSS. I don't understand why I am unable to subscribe to it.
Is there anybody getting similar RSS issues? Anyone who knows the answer can you
kindly respond? Thanx!!
Here is my website download free game scr888
Hi there to every body, it's my first visit of this weblog; this weblog carries awesome
and really fine material in favor of readers.
my blog post download mega88
I'm really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your weblog.
Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself?
Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a great blog like
this one these days.
my blog post; mega888 original
Everything is very open with a very clear clarification of the challenges.
It was truly informative. Your site is very useful. Thank you for
sharing!
Here is my page ... agen 918kiss malaysia
Terrific post but I was wanting to know if you could write
a litte more on this subject? I'd be very grateful if
you could elaborate a little bit more. Kudos!
Here is my web site; slot casino online indonesia
I am trying to find a free Dreamweaver alternative and it looks like Kompozer is good. But I could not find any feedback with using this program for wordpress templates. I wanted to know if anyone has used it and how well it works. Thanks in advance..
https://www.instagram.com/katekdesigns
Hi it's me, I am also visiting this site regularly, this site is in fact pleasant and the users are truly sharing nice thoughts.
My blog :: joker online casino malaysia, https://bgoldbet.com/,
When I initially commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox
and now each time a comment is added I get several emails with the same comment.
Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
Thanks!
Feel free to surf to my website: indonesia online bet (https://bgoldbet.com/)
For newest news you have to visit web and on internet I found this
website as a most excellent website for most recent updates.
Feel free to visit my web page: casino slots
Can a blog really be that helpful? What type of content should a business blog have? If there are any blog experts out there please help me out. What are some good companies to set up a blog with? And any other general/specific information on setting up a blog for a business....
https://coinnewstr.com/