home
RSS
Internet infidelity: Is it time to snoop?
December 22nd, 2011
12:17 PM ET

Internet infidelity: Is it time to snoop?

This is a repost of Ian Kerner's column.  Kerner will be back with new posts in January.

From Don Juan to David Letterman, infidelity has been around as long as civilization has existed, and the Internet is still but a tiny blip in the long jaded history of adultery. But the Internet is also arguably the biggest threat to relationships that has come along since the birth of marriage, and it’s here to stay.

New threats demand new rules, and the next time your partner goes online, maybe you should be worrying about if he or she is also out of line.

These days, cheating and engaging in other secretive behaviors that could lead to infidelity have become easier than setting up a Wii.

Technology isn’t just enabling secretive behavior, it’s accelerating it at record pace: Flirtatious friendships, emotional affairs, the return of the ex, sexting, online porn and cyber-sex—with each new advance in technology comes a new way to deceive, and more and more of us are increasingly leading “digital double-lives.”

In her seminal book on emotional infidelity, "Not Just Friends," the late psychotherapist Shirley Glass implores readers to “maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.”

But with the threat of the Internet, it’s not just windows and walls we need to worry about, it’s also leaks and seals. The No. 1 danger of Internet infidelity is not that it could lead to actual sexual infidelity, but that it so easily diverts precious emotional resources away from one’s primary relationship.

Emotional infidelity can happen anywhere, anytime, but with the Internet and real-time digital technologies (email, texting,  IMing, skyping, social networking, and others) a small leak, if left unsealed, can quickly lead to a flood.

With its quick hits of newness and novelty, the Internet enables us to easily tune out and turn off to our partners, when we should be making an effort to tune in and turn on. The instant gratification of these technologies stimulates reward centers in the brain, and soon one finds oneself craving the quick hit of an instant connection or lamenting its absence.

So what should you do when your gut tells you that something is wrong, but your partner refuses to acknowledge your feelings?  What should you do when you’ve tried to talk, only to be told that you’re crazy or paranoid and that nothing’s going on?

Well, maybe it’s time to snoop.

You may not agree, but in my opinion too many people wait far too long to follow their instincts, and relationships that could have been saved had issues been nipped in the bud are instead decimated to bits and bytes.

With the Internet too many people hide behind their “right to privacy,” when what they’re really trying to protect is their right to secrecy. But nobody should have that liberty.

The moment you have something to hide – the moment you write an email that you don’t want your partner to see, the moment you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone in front of your partner, the moment you have to delete your Internet history before getting off your computer, the moment you have to set up a special email address for certain correspondences,  the moment you’re uncomfortable sharing your passwords— that’s when the trouble begins.

In a healthy relationship there should be nothing to hide. If someone is hiding something, then they should be found out. Not because they need to be penalized or humiliated, but because transparency and honesty are central to a healthy relationship.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect your partner’s privacy, but respect first and foremost demands a foundation of trust. For example, I have one password for all of my various email accounts and my wife knows what it is.  Does she ever use it? I doubt it, but I can’t say for sure. And she’s welcome to sift through my emails anytime she likes.

But before you snoop or dig around, ask yourself a few questions:

  • Does your spouse spend way too much time on the computer and other digital devices such as a cell phone or smart phone? Is he/she secretive about it? For example, is your spouse comfortable leaving his/her Facebook page or email open when not at the computer?
  • Is your spouse in touch with former flames or members of the opposite sex via a social networking site such as Facebook? If so, does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like you don’t know what’s going on, that these “friendships” aren’t out in the open?
  • Does your partner call you paranoid when you bring up the subject and insist on his/her right to privacy?

Depending upon how you answered these questions, it might be time to snoop, especially if you’ve tried to talk about your concerns with your partner but have been met with hostility and denials.

Hopefully there will be nothing to discover and you’ll be able to breathe more easily and more coolly examine why you had suspicions and where you might be able to improve your relationship.

But maybe you’re not crazy. Maybe your partner is hiding something.

And, in the end, knowledge is power.

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.


soundoff (358 Responses)
  1. nena

    Three years ago I met the man of my dreams on an online dating service. I fell in love and slowly discovered that he had used a false name, false location and was a married man. I had to approach his wife and let her know that he was cheating on her and that destroyed the marriage. He then ran to another woman and witheld truths from her. This story is long and complicated but the ultimately he died suddenly and tragicaly three months ago and we all came face to face with each other once again and more people were hurt by hidden truths. One false move on the internet for a man with marital problems led to three years of hurt and pain for numerous people who are still absorbing the shock. Someday we will all look back and truely understand how this medium has altered our lives for ever. Every day there are more and more ways to hide things online. there are entire websites that for a fee will act on the behalf of someone having an affair and pretend to be their secretary or the hotel in which they are staying. you cannot spend your life chasing the truth and looking under rocks. the bottom line is look at your relationship and determine if you are happy and if your partner is there for you. If you are unhappy and unfulfilled it is time to leave and find your happiness. Do not waste time and create heartache accumulating evidence. Evidence will neithere deter him nor change him.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:28 | Report abuse | Reply
    • allen

      So well put....thank you for sharing.

      December 28, 2011 at 17:55 | Report abuse |
  2. tmp

    I actually went through a divorce because he was cybering with a specific woman online. I have no idea if it escalated to real-life cheating, but I didn't want to stick around to find out. He was VERY protective of his privacy. He hid their cyber sessions in a private folder in his email that was vaguely labeled. He also had her number stored in his cell phone under a fake name. I was not stupid and I accused him of cheating and he lied about it many many times.

    My sister also broke up with her partner (a woman) who ended up bedding her old high school girlfriend behind my sister's back. My sister and her partner both had a baby together. It really tore the family apart. It was devastating. All because of an internet fling.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • tmp

      p.s. my sister's partner reunited with her old high school girlfriend via facebook. I forgot to point that out. oops.

      October 14, 2010 at 15:31 | Report abuse |
  3. Chuck

    Oh yes they do.......everyone likes to be given complements and when its from an old flame or someone you "liked" it becomes more intriguing. It starts as online flirting and leads to disaster.

    If you wouldn't do it in front of your wife or husband why is it ok to do it online?. It always starts out "harmless"

    October 14, 2010 at 15:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Mark

    You can exchange all the accounts and passwords you want, but that's not going to stop them from creating another gmail or hotmail account that you won't know about. It really just comes down to trust and being open. If you can't be open with one another, then watch your back. I went down this road with my last marriage.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. Stan

    This person is a sexuality counselor??? "In a healthy relationship there should be NOTHING to hide." " ...they're trying to protect their right to secrecy. But no one should have that liberty."

    Is Ian Kerner even sane?? How many successful relationships have YOU had, pal? I can guarantee that the answer is either NONE, or else your "successful" relationship was appallingly shallow and superficial, my friend. One of the most important keys to any relationship between people of any depth and thoughtfulness is that each person respects the privacy of the other. It would never occur to me to demand that my wife share everything with me, nor would she ever make that same demand of me.

    What on earth are you thinking?

    October 14, 2010 at 15:32 | Report abuse | Reply
    • matthew cohen

      I'm glad you as a married person made this point; I think all this guy is trying to do is sustain his career as a writer of content of dubious quality – just needed something to write about. We don't lose our rights as individuals when we enter into a relationship, and to suggest we do, or should, on any level, is plain absurd. I personally don't even want to know what my partner is writing to others about, or who she's corresponding with; my focus is keeping my end of the deal, which is contributing something positive to the relationship. I think this paranoia about cheating is a waste of energy, because if it happens, it happens, and snooping will only make it worse.

      October 14, 2010 at 15:40 | Report abuse |
  6. tmp

    ALSO: This is the very reason I do not have a facebook account. I deleted it years ago. Everyone is on there and it is too easy to hook up with old flames or new ones. Facebook is mindless and it ruins relationships rather than tempering them. If people want to get together and chat or attend events – they should pick up the phone and make real contact.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. matthew cohen

    I think this article is pretty pointless. Of course someone can have private conversations via the internet, and I would never expect someone else's passwords, even my girlfriend or wife, nor would I give mine out. That stuff is private, and everyone is entitled to have the privacy of their facebook accounts, email accounts – whatever. Now, if your sig. other is cheating, its usually pretty obvious, and you won't need to snoop through their imail accounts to find this out. I think the author of this story betrayed some real insecurities when he advocated giving out passwords – that is absurd, why else are there even passwords on accounts, but to keep others out? now, earlier this year, my girlfriend did cheat on me and the relationship ended. Guess what? It had nothing to do with the internet and everything to do with a real, live person she met and ended up having sex with. Now, one thing about Facebook is it makes it easier to communicate with old flames, sure. But if you are pleasing your partner, and are happy in the relationship yourself, there won't be any problems. If your partner is going to cheat, a lot of the fault will be your own: people that are happy in a relationship won't cheat, and if they do in spite of that, then thats just the breaks: that person may be inherently promiscuous, deceptive...whatever. I think this article was a joke, and neither highlighted something I was unaware of, gave me new information, or suggested a unique or new way of dealing with this issue. I think all of us were already aware of this, and didn't need some hack trying to sustain a career through writing about something timely. Whatever.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. Frustrated American

    I have a MA in Psychology, have endured much in life like so many others on this blog have indicated. One thing I am more certain of than the fragility of life itself is the fact that trust cannot be forced and being made/coerced or forced into something you do not want to do is never a process that fosters a permanent positive result. It instead breeds resentment and a deep seated desire to make retribution a life goal regardless of the timeline it is exacted upon. I am a person that is wide open with my spouse about all of my relationships and contacts. I do not have a need to hide anything from my partner. If I did ever have reason to hide something, it had better be their Christmas or Birthday gift!
    However, I do know this to be true in my case. If I was in a relationship where I had to deal with the potential of being spied upon, I would get out. I would get out and never look back. It is my contention that if it has gotten to the point where suspicion rules and spying is required to bring your partners mind to ease, it is already a dead relationship. The very second your antennas go up in a relationship, you had better sit right down and get the air cleared. Waiting, reading this type of article and letting the emotions fester and inflame your desire to "find out" is only going to point toward a blow up at worst and a temporary fix at best. You should not want to change a person. If you do not love them as they are, the love is not strong enough to stand the times we live in anyhow. Mutual, I mean real mutual respect is the only thing that you need to talk things out before you need these tactics. If you do need these tactics, take a wise dose of good advice and cut your losses. Embarrass your mate over a suspicious mind now and tell their family and friends.......you will possibly get what you want now, but they will hold it against you inside forever. Is that how YOU want to live for the rest of your life? You are better off alone than in a relationship where all that is important is the transfer of control over the other person between you. It is a self imposed prison and is built upon a narcissistic struggle of wills and a "who knows what about the other" mentality. In healthy relationships you find out what you want to know about your partner and their activities FROM YOUR PARTNER!
    Come on people! Wake up! Smell the coffee, or other morning beverage of your own choosing!

    October 14, 2010 at 15:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. spikette

    truefax, cheaters often say just a matter of time.... so that their own behavior is validated. not all people are cheaters. it doe not matter how much time goes by, not all people are cheaters. more people than not, wouldnt cheat because of lack of integrity and character. doesnt matter if they find someone attractive, they have boundaries. you cant give everyone the label of cheat. they have not earned it, nor do they deserve it. it is merely lying to self.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:37 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Truefax

      Everyone cheats or is cheated on at least once in their lives I have yet to meet an adult who can claim otherwise. Where is this shinny happy world you speak of I’d like to move there, reality bites.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:27 | Report abuse |
    • spikette

      nope. that is not a reality trueflax. and it is a reality you create for yourself. it is not all of our reality. and you can not give it to all of us, just cause it appeases your own pain. it is still not ours.

      October 14, 2010 at 19:34 | Report abuse |
  10. Theory1

    Just look at the dialogue on this page! If this doesn't expalin it all, I don't know what will. Here we have EXTREME tension amongst people who don't know each other. And I'm supposed to think that the people I do know would behave any different or civil?? Right. In regards to the "online behavior" that's being discussed, keep this in mind: That's what you found out and the only thing you know. Before the internet, unless you had solid proof or followed your spouse each day, you had nothing but speculation. All of these findings "in topic" are no longer speculation. So what exactly should be tolerated in a marriage? Cheating, or everything in the book or that one can think of except actual intercourse? Neither of those were in the vows I read and agreed to. Neither of those are located in the bible I read as an ok thing to do. I never saw my mother shake hands with my father thanking him for screwing the women he did. So are you guys/women telling me that instead of admitting that this is something you're going to do anyway, you decide to make everyone else feel low for not acknowledging that this behavior is ok? Did you cry when it happened to you? But you're ok with missleading someone because you can justify it? It's real simple. If you can't "commit", then don't get married. If you're single, you can do whatever you want. Why sacrifice that by comitting to something you can't commit too? You can use the same answer for your credit card that you can't pay back too!

    October 14, 2010 at 15:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Theory1

      ......AND I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF YOU PHSYC'S out there trying to justify it by telling people it's because it's a mommy and daddy thing and we weren't loved enough or obtained self worth!!! Give me a freaken break! The people at this age know exactly what they're doing. A person holding a GUN knows exactly what they're doing. A person who drinks too much and drives home know's exactly what they are doing. You can't tell me that the moment the "RUSH" hts someone when they know what they're doing is wrong that they don't know what they're doing.

      Take responsibility and issue some accountability!!!! Telling an adult that they cheated because of what someone else did is exactly the same as telling a child no because they just don't understand. It's called ENABLING THEM because you aren't giving them straight answers and the truth. Awwwwgghhghghg. I can't believe this crap. I'm going back to work to enjoy my life.

      October 14, 2010 at 15:49 | Report abuse |
    • adam

      Thank god for bankruptcy and divorce!

      October 14, 2010 at 15:50 | Report abuse |
    • Truefax

      I agree with you theory, that is why I think marriage like abortion should be legal and rare.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:32 | Report abuse |
    • spikette

      you ahve a whole lot of people being conditioned in this obsessed world that this is all that we are. and the people that want to use it as an excuse for their behavior will. too many people perfer not to get wrapped up in that world and live their lives in a responsible manner not only to those they love, but to themselves. they have easier lives. more productive and happier. those not willing to make the hard choices and live with integrity then have to make excuses why they dont have that.

      October 14, 2010 at 19:38 | Report abuse |
  11. jp

    everybody that thinks it is okay to snoop has got major insecurity issues. i think the author has some too.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Kevin

    Any person with a PhD that advocates snooping into your partners correspondence should know just how damaging it is to get caught snooping when there was nothing to find. Unless the snooper is willing to sit and tell their partner they did it, whether they found anything or not, it is a destructive practice. But what the author is in effect saying is it is ok to violate a trust even if you don't find anything. Even if you did the end does NOT justify the means.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:46 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Perskaya

      The author's comments indicate that you communicate with your partner first and above all.

      It's if they are defensive and unwilling to be open about their time on the phone or computer (indicated by the bulleted list), then more action may be necessary.

      In no way did the author ever indicate that "snooping" should be a first option, or that it was necessary in every relationship.

      Common sense should play a role here.

      October 14, 2010 at 15:54 | Report abuse |
  13. Hnery Edward Hardy

    Time to snoop?

    Dr. Kerner, with all due respect, has it occurred to you that you are encouraging and condoning what may well be a felony under the federal Electronic Communications Privacy Act, as well as state laws prohibiting "Unauthorized Access to a Computer?"

    October 14, 2010 at 15:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. Jeff

    When people start to see how they played a role in how they are being treated and the circumstances they find themselves in, they will be able to begin improving on it. And not until.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. SweetAsPie

    The author could not be more correct. This is the best advice I've yet seen, and wish I had followed it. There are strong opinions on both sides of this: a) you've been affected by the negative side and think this is great and b) you have not had your wife/husband lie, cheat, and steal from you and believe this is wrong.

    I had months of that uneasy feeling about a 'friend' my ex-wife and I mutually had, and had brought it up multiple times. When she wanted to separate to work on things, I immediately hacked our computer to find gobs of sort of things you do not want to see your wife involved in. Needless to say we got divorced shortly later.

    My new wife and I have a VERY open policy: there are zero secrets. Nothing is private in a marriage...NOTHING. The very first thing I remember about my ex's affair was her sudden distrust of me around her computer and phone. Trust...but verify!

    October 14, 2010 at 15:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Perskaya

    It is sad this is such an important topic in today's day and age, but it is. In fact, I often long for the days when there was no internet. I know it provides all sorts of benefits, but it also has a dark side, and I just don't think the benefit of being able to find a restaurant phone number quickly is worth the price that so many relationships have paid.

    I know I would absolutely snoop if I suspected something. Why? Several reasons–because I love my partner, because I am passionate about us as a couple, and because I won't be lied to. I will be respected, and I will always show the same respect to him.

    The truth is, as long as the communication is good, if a woman feels safe in a relationship she'll often give you more sex and better sex than you could ever imagine. But women have to feel worshiped to get to that point. If we do, we'll blossom into the sex kittens you've always wanted. But you have to love us out of our shells, and you have to do it with absolute fidelity, love, and respect between the two of you. I mean complete–no porn, no glances at other women walking by....nolthing. Not all guys do it, but a lot do, maybe even most, and you may think you aren't being caught because she hasn't said anything, but I promise–she knows even if she says nothing. And those women often feel insecure in the relationship as a result, and it has cost you your sex kitten in the bedroom in some way or the other. And isn't that one of the things you wanted to begin with...? Invest in your relationship, or break it off and pour your time and money into something or something else. Cheating is pathetic.

    If I ever felt the need to look and there was nothing to find–fantastic! What could be better? But if you are a blindly trusting in spite of being suspicious...well...maybe you just haven't felt the burn of being lied to before. And considering that some behaviors can put your own health at risk, you'd be a fool to ignore warning signs.

    Ignorance isn't always bliss.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • blahblahblah

      This is not always true. There are some people who simply are not sexual creatures. While not disliking sex; they simply do not crave it. Just as there are people who crave it far more than what anyone classifies as normal and reach the nymphomaniac phase or reasonably close to it. Additionally, there are some folks willing to explore physical sensation and intimacy and others simply want what they no, safe and simple.

      Its never an easy answer or cure all to say do this and that will happen everytime.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:01 | Report abuse |
    • Perskaya

      @blahblahblah–I do agree with a lot of what you wrote, but most of the time that is the case there is usually a physical problem and a trip to the doctor (and a correction in hormone levels) will fix it.

      I wish more people would consider that and go to the doctor. Sex is too much fun to not have a lot of it with the person you love. 🙂

      October 14, 2010 at 16:47 | Report abuse |
  17. blahblahblah

    I would hope that the relationship my wife and I have is stronger than the /target random female night elf rogue .../sexy.

    A relationship is a relationship. If the straying individual is seeking something out whether in RL or Digitally, it is more likely due to him or her not receiving it from the proper source: their significant other! Yes, there are those that stray for other reasons, but the majority (not overwhelming, but more than 50% to be sure) simply are seeking companionship they are not getting in the proper place. We are social creatures and require intimacy on numerous levels....so if your spouse provides plenty of physical time, but no emotional time....you're going to seek that in other connective ways.

    It always comes back to working on the relationship at hand. Communicating that there is a problem and responding accordingly. If you feel something is wrong and your S.O. dismisses you outright; there is a problem: They are not LISTENING to you.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. dbny

    If you snoop on someone, then there is a good chance that your relationship will be killed by your snooping. If your sig. other is a cheater, you will find out and leave them, or they will probably leave you because they are cheating and can't be with someone who is always checking up on them.

    If they don't cheat on you, there is a good chance that they leave you, because they are not cheating, and they deserve better than to be spied on all the time.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Steven R Vogel

    It's never OK to snoop. Period. Violating someone's privacy, their trust, is wrong. Two wrongs never make a right. Wrong actions can never be justified. It's time to leave the relationship.

    If you think it's happening, it probably is. If you think it's happening and you find out later it isn't, you should be out of the relationship, anyway.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. Karen

    I dissagree with the writer of this article. There is nothing in the marriage contract that calls for complete transparency of either partner in the relationship. My husband is not my moral authority, nor am I his.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. Vegas

    My girlfriend insists that I should give her my passwords to everything. I don't agree. Even though I truly have nothing to hide, I think having my passwords would just help to fuel her insecurities. What good comes from her checking my e-mail and accounts when nothing is going on? If there's an issue with trust, there's not much of a relationship going on. If there was infidelity in the past I could understand it, but that's definitely not the case.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:54 | Report abuse | Reply
    • IceT

      We all have insecurities to some degree butr your refusal to share is the fuel of her insecurities. If you have nothing to hide you will gain her confidence by letting her prove it to herself.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:29 | Report abuse |
    • Perskaya

      IceT–you hit the nail on the head!!!!

      October 14, 2010 at 16:51 | Report abuse |
    • spikette

      my computer sets open all day. i dont think hubby has ever snooped. i have access to his. i dont snoop. i also dont feel like anything is hidden adn there is a reason to snoop. access and openness eliminates any need to do it. we did not do this for this pirpose. we just have never had a reason or desire to hide or keep private any of this stuff.

      October 14, 2010 at 19:42 | Report abuse |
  22. Cyncity

    I don't think it is EVER right to SNOOP!! I would never snoop on my man and he would never snoop on me. I wont even go through his phone or his drawers and closets when he is not around. . If I suspected anything, I would go straight to the source and ASK and I know he would too. I was married to a man who thought it was his God given RIGHT to go through my purse, my phone, my bank statements and personal mail ALL the time. Even though I never cheated or flirted with another man and never gave him any reason to suspect that I was, there was no such thing as privacy in my home. Even spending more than 5 minutes in the bathroom would cause a barrage of questions and endless pounding at the door from him. I always respect the privacy of others and demand that others respect mine. IF you or your mate is suspicious and ask about it or requests to see emails or social networking communication and those requests are denied, then you can pretty much guarantee that SOMETHING fishy is going on. It's up to you how far to go after that but I believe snooping and then confronting your mate as a result of your snooping will back fire in an awful way...

    October 14, 2010 at 15:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Stacy

    Well...i can tell you...that I am going through this right now. I am the one who cheated on my husband. This was through another 'social network'-not FB. I don't know what it is, I love my husband, but craved the attention i recieved from other men. I never met anyone person to person-all done through cyber space. My husband (now ex) did something, and to this day I am not sure what he did, because he isn't that computer savy-so i think he had help. But he was able to log into this site, and see everything I was doing, private messages i was sending, private mesages i was recieving. He said he watched the activity for almost 4 weeks before asking me about it. This craving, for me, became a sick obsession. I found myself logging in at work numerous times, and also in the evenings. After my husband confronted me, I thought I could change my username and log in info on the site and still be able to log in. I did just that, but by this time i had moved out of the house. I didn't realize he could still watch me. This caused a huge diaster. It was horrible. We ended up getting a divorce. This was just recently. I have moved back into the house with him, as we are both working on the relationship. Things are going well. I have deleted myself off the site, and he also has access to my phone, so he sees who is calling, who i am calling and numbers to texts i recieve and make. This has been a difficult thing for both of us. I do feel very violated. In fact i feel like i need to show and tell him every single thing i do. But I know that i did create this monster. I feel very bad, and have hurt him. But I also feel like I am being watched every second of the day-on-line and off line. I feel as though this is something i will have to put up with for the rest of my life. When he went to the attorney to file, the attorney told him that this problem is growing at a rapid rate and soon we will see 'Social Network' annon., just like alcoholics annon. I would still like to know what and how he was able to watch everything i did, he won't tell me how....but i am really curious.

    October 14, 2010 at 15:58 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Karl

      Imagine a life where you could still see other men and your husband was ok with it. Also imagine a life where your husband could see other woman and you were ok with it. Now, imagine that during this you two would still be together and, as you say, still love each other (while receiving the attention and company of others). Do you think your relationship would be stronger or weaker?

      October 14, 2010 at 16:03 | Report abuse |
    • blahblahblah

      Honestly...you don't have a relationship. A relationship is built on trust first and foremost. EVEN if and when that trust is violated; you still continue to trust them ongoing from there. Now how long you are willing to forgive and forget is another matter entirely.

      You cannot live in constant "I'm being watched mode". And if you have an addictive issue, it really should be an independent third party monitoring you; like a counselor or therapist.

      Lastly, most likely he had the IP addresses traced. So he knew which device you were logging in from and were able to see the activity coming from it.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:06 | Report abuse |
    • IceT

      If you actually cared about him you would let him go. He still has a chance at happiness (wihout you) and you still have a problem. Even if you get help with your problem you have already destroyed any chance that the two of you can have a truly happy relationship together.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:12 | Report abuse |
    • Perskaya

      What he is asking for isn't unreasonable. If you feel it is, chances are you are just sorry you got caught and truly just want out. If you felt the relationship was valuable to you, you would give anything to make things right.

      You said you just moved in together "recently", so it's not as though you've been going through this for a long time. It won't last forever–that reads like a dramatic statement made as a ploy to get support from someone here to justify cheating. Life isn't fair, and you screwed up.

      You sound resentful. If that's the case, get out of the relationship before you hurt him again.

      Better now than later.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:21 | Report abuse |
    • Remy730

      I feel bad for you. What you 2 are doing/have done to each other is disgusting. If he forgives you, he would put all that behind you and let you live without you having to answer for and justify every breathe of air you breathe. If it's done it's done let it go and and live your life to the fullest together. If not, just end it and go your separate ways.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:36 | Report abuse |
  24. Alice

    I'm currently healing from the infidelity of my partner and its consequences, and I say if your questions are constantly met with hostility and denial, and you feel deep down that something is wrong, by all means, snoop your heart out. When it comes down to it, most people are only going to try and keep themselves from getting in trouble. If they know they were doing something inapropriate, they will lie and scrabble make you feel like you are the one in the wrong to keep from getting caught. I married my boyfriend/best friend of five years in May of this year, only to find out at the end of June that he was carrying on with another woman behind my back. Since the wedding I had suspected something wasn't right, but he always said I was crazy and paranoid when I asked him what was wrong. So I started looking at the phone bill and voila! Another woman! He swore there was nothing physical in their relationship, but for the dozens of secret phone calls, hundreds of texts he would swear were from work, secret visits to her office, and his newly found passions in things like going to "her" church and "her" gym, there was plenty of evidence to suggest that their relationship was a breath away from getting physical. Trust me when I say, if it feels like something's going on, it probably is.
    BTW – we've since broken up, and my life has changed completely. I didn't know there was pain like this in the world, but every day I'm more convinced that by watching out for my needs for a change and having the courage to stand up and tell him this was wrong and that I would not accept it, I found vindication. I found strength in my family and friends, and I can sleep at night knowing I did the right thing.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      Good for you for taking your power back.

      Good luck to you!!!

      October 14, 2010 at 16:36 | Report abuse |
  25. IceT

    Internet infidelity is a type of gateway drug. Breaking the taboo of infidelity is the biggest obstacle to cheating & internet infidelity is like a pair of training wheels.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. 00000000

    im sorry but i cant stand women like you.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:06 | Report abuse | Reply
    • 00000000

      @Stacy

      October 14, 2010 at 16:07 | Report abuse |
  27. Socalontop

    Is it cheating if my wife watches? (or better yet, joins in?) I find it amazing that either party has to cheat. We have been in the swinging lifestyle for over 2 years and our relationship that was rock solid to begin with only got better. and we didn't know that was possible. We have made better friends, and better relationships through the lifestyle, and have had THE most erotic sex life any man or woman could dream of... zero jealousy, zero cheating....

    October 14, 2010 at 16:06 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Perskaya

      No, it isn't cheating if she knows.

      But any woman who can block out emotions to that level is dead inside anyway. Sorry, but mentally and emotionally healthy bond with who we have sex with, so if she's acting that way, there is a screw loose somewhere.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:13 | Report abuse |
    • Perskaya

      This should have said: Sorry, but mentally and emotionally healthy *women* bond with who we have sex with...

      October 14, 2010 at 16:14 | Report abuse |
    • Karl

      Believe it or not, your relationship is actually the most successful type. It satisfies the humans organismic needs for relatedness and autonomy, and provides a sense of competence and increases self-esteem. However, as a result of societal factors this type of relationship is frowned up, which is why many people don't seek it. Blame this thinking on, predominantly, religion.

      Unfortunately, even though you experience a greater sense of well-being, it is also very risky behavior. If, in the past, this was more common than many disease we have now would have died away as a result of natural selection. Yet, this is not the case, and thus, such ailments run rampantly throughout society. In the end, this progressive thinking is what will ultimately unite all people.

      Good for you, and be safe.

      -Doctor of Clinical Neuropsych and Social Psych

      October 14, 2010 at 16:16 | Report abuse |
    • Bekah

      Ignore people like Perskaya. They don't like people with alternate relationship styles are successful so they insult yours. To say your wife is "dead inside" is pathetic and childish. What works for you works for you and that's the end of it.

      Now, I'm poly, so I have emotional relationships, too. Could I be a swinger? No more than I could be monogomous. But that's my CHOICE just like swinging is your CHOICE and monogomy is Perskaya's CHOICE. We don't force them to live our lives so why do we have to live theirs?

      October 14, 2010 at 16:47 | Report abuse |
  28. SweetAsPie

    A better way to approach this topic would be this: establish an open door policy with your wife/spouse BEFORE you go down this path and it has to be called 'snooping'. As a married person, I WANT my spouse to feel free to look at any and everything. When they look and see there is nothing to hide, I know they will be reassured they can trust me even more.

    That being said, if you haven't, and you have a strong feeling that you need to snoop, you should. At that point, you are looking for confirmation of your feelings, legal evidence, and to find out of any stealing or fraud is happening. If your spouse has decided to cheat and leave you, he/she will have little problem taking 'their' share of your assets. And quite often those assets end up in the hands of their new bed pal. Believe me, you will feel really dumb when your ex shows up to sign papers with his new blonde toy in the car you paid for. How strong will your feelings that they 'deserved' your respect be then? Men...you think it is NEVER ok to snoop, even if your wife is spending too much time after yoga class and is getting odd sound txt messages on her phone from her 'friend' at 2am? Riiiiiiight...you let me know how you feel after you see that first message that makes you say what the @$%$@.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. scaryghst

    I think if you're lonely or your spouse doesn't provide what you need, online "infidelity" is perfectly acceptable. In fact, it's not really infidelity at all. What's wrong with feeling passion, and having someone really appreciate you? People make real emotional connections. Love is so important, and some people just take it for granted.

    scaryghst (at gmail)

    October 14, 2010 at 16:10 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Bugsy

      Good one Scaryghst, blame the cheatee.

      October 14, 2010 at 17:42 | Report abuse |
  30. Lauren

    Who here has exes on their facebook page?
    Who here has an other with exes on their facebook page?
    How do you/your other feel about this?

    October 14, 2010 at 16:10 | Report abuse | Reply
    • ex

      My most significant ex deleted me off her facebook. my fiancee has her most significant ex as her facebook friend. im thinking of asking her to delete him just for my peace of mind. think thats stupid?

      October 14, 2010 at 16:14 | Report abuse |
    • Lauren

      Ex, i don't think that is stupid at all. i think it is a respect issue and also keeping the past in the past. What would be the purpose of keeping an ex readily accessible on a daily basis? The occasional hi how are you is fine, I'm sure. But to have them there ALL THE TIME? I don't blame you. The thing is....it stinks that you have to ask....it is always the hope that you share your thoughts and your loved one does what is needed without being asked. Then it turns into control issues, etc...which isn't what it is about anyway.

      October 15, 2010 at 15:11 | Report abuse |
  31. Herestheproblem

    The problem starts if you are constantly snooping and constantly coming up with nothing. Text at 2am "whos texting you" "my friend" "let me see" (really is from her friend)

    "Whos this number who you keep calling and keeps calling you" "my friend she isnt calling from her normal number" yeah right call it let me hear" (her friend picks up)

    how many times can a scenario like this play out before you start looking like a psycho. just try to trust. "que sara sara" if its gonna happen its gonna happen just deal and live your life....

    October 14, 2010 at 16:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. dgatwood

    First and foremost, a relationship is built on trust. If things are already so broken in the trust department that you are even considering snooping on your significant other, then either A. you have some serious problems with insecurity that you need to address with the help of an appropriate therapist or B. the relationship is already massively broken. If it's A, then you need to get help or it will turn into B. If it's B, then there's not much you can really do. By that time, it is long past the point of being fixable, and even if you find evidence of cheating, the best that can ever realistically come of it is staying together "for the kids".

    The Internet is not the "biggest threat to relationships" any more than romance novels were, nor any more than the advent of porn in the... oh, caveman days, nor any more than any other enabling technology. People don't cheat because they found their old flame online. People cheat because the relationship was broken. Blaming the technology for cheating is as silly as blaming automobile brakes because somebody didn't step on them soon enough.

    The fact is, if someone is going to cheat, they will fall victim to the first opportunity, whether that means some old flame online, a close friend at work, a secretary, or even one of the dancers down at the strip club. Unless you both live together in a hermitage somewhere in the middle of nowhere, the opportunities are going to be there with or without the Internet. People just like to use the Internet as an excuse to dodge responsibility.

    More to the point, if you start snooping and you're wrong, you've just betrayed a lack of trust in your significant other. Do this often enough and he/she is likely to reciprocate by being less trustworthy.

    There are exactly four threats to relationships:

    * Lack of trust.
    * Lack of communication.
    * Lack of respect.
    * Lack of empathy.

    If you're even thinking about snooping on your significant other, you and/or your partner have already fallen victim to at least the first three. The fourth is sure to follow. The time to fix a relationship is LONG before you start to suspect your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife of cheating. By that time, it's far too late. Unless you're just psycho, in which case, get help soon.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. JustAnotherGuy

    You will get over it faster if you accept what happened as she will do it again and make a clean break and get far away from it, Why do so many guys accept this and forgive when they should be packing her bags for her, I tried to keep it together for my Son then over a month or so came back to reality and said wait a Min if you would do that to me and my Son once (Thats what is in your Heart), Dont come back

    Mine was addticted to secondlife, she had a few interests (guys) and just flat out took off one day, Other then what I knew from reading my keystroke logers at night she didnt show anything was out of place .. I would have had no idea!, I would not have minded so much if it was not for all the lose ends she left with her name on the car, house, banks .....and a child in the mix ....
    What she did didnt look was stable in custody court so guys .... Fight for your kids! (and yes you can use keystroke logger text and emails in court if it was on "your home computers" and not like her work/Office computer.... most likely like mine she will not have any shame about what she did and admit it all in court anyway.

    Save all your emails and hers if you have a way, and put a keystroke logger on your computer so at least you have a heads up.

    Since She did that to me, all of her friends that were vocal about what she did, have done it to their own relationships too? I have knowen 5 woamn just in the last year that found someone on line and left. One turned out to be a really bad one, and they stats say only less then 8% of online started relationships last 2 years! so knowing that why would you risk hooking up with the craigslist killer?

    If the guy/girl cant get a date local and goes to the web to be something other then they are ...... why would you want them?

    They can pretend to be anyone they want on line and make you think they are the best thing since Al Gore started the internet, then your stuck with some creep because the guy you left dont want you back.... and most likely when she shows up to him she has lied to him also about how wonderful she is, oh its just to funny to watch it all go down infront of your eyes.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Wadaduga

    "Online infidelity"? People are worried about "online infidelity"?

    Geez! Get a life!

    October 14, 2010 at 16:18 | Report abuse | Reply
    • IceT

      A successful long term relationship is 50% physical & 50% psychological. This is an active psychological relationship between 2 real people, not just the pages of the SI swimsuit issue.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:48 | Report abuse |
    • Wadaduga

      I've been married for 30 years. I know what a LTR requires, and anyone worried about "online infidelity" has self-esteem issues. Such a person is unlikely to maintain a LTR.

      October 15, 2010 at 06:39 | Report abuse |
  35. Craig

    This article was great, I agree with it totally. However you lost me at the conclusion. "Knowledge is power." The implication is that I should be more powerful than my spouse. Knowledge is the beginning of healing. Power has nothing to do with it.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Frank R

    My wife had decided to cheat on me and moved out to go live with her sister. I was mad, to be sure, but I got at least a little sick revenge once.

    I had her email hacked from the moment she left, and knew basically what she was up to. I found out that she was meeting her "paramour" at a NY restaurant.

    I called a few friends, and we all headed down there, nicely dressed, and hung out at the bar. We had a good view of the dining room, and one did not have to pass through the bar to get to the tables so we could wait without being seen. Well the Adultress and her sugar daddy came walking in on the other side of the place and settled into their table. I let them sit for a while, get wine, put their order in.

    At that point, I got up and walked over, approaching the man, hand extended. "Hi, xx, isnt' it?"
    He shook my hand although he was mystified. "Yeah..."

    My wife had the biggest look of shock on her face.

    "Hi, xx, I'm Frank. Are you enjoying your evening out with my wife?' as I pulled up a chair. "I hope you don't mind if I join the two of you."

    His face fell in disbelief as two of my friends walked over. "It's OK" I said, as they stepped back.

    "Who is this?" xx asked my wife. She burst into tears and ran out, followed by the Sugar Daddy. My two friends followed him out and yelled at him but he said that he had no idea.

    He never spoke to my wife again, but I divorced her a few months later.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. Meh

    I invoke the 4th amendment.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. John

    It is not a trusting relationship if you have to access to every a bit of someone else's life to "trust" them. That's a relationship built on surveillance, not trust. I trust my wife so I don't need access to every thing she does. If there are things she doesn't want to tell me then I am OK with her judgment.

    If I have made the right choice in who to marry I can trust her and not practice surveillance. It doesn't guarantee I can't be wrong, but then neither does surveillance. I trust my decision on whom to trust.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • pKone

      I'm with him... and I am not even married!

      October 14, 2010 at 16:37 | Report abuse |
  39. pKone

    I have no problem with snooping. But if I catch her it's over 😉

    If I am doing something she disapproves of and I hid, then clearly the relationship is flawed. If I find she doesn't trust me (innocent or not) then then the relationship is flawed. either I lied to her (shame on me) and she found out. Or I told her the truth and she didn't trust me (shame on her). Or she didn't even ask and just cut out the open discussion part (shame on her again!)

    October 14, 2010 at 16:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. jheron

    My concern isn't about how my spouse feels about other people..its only about how my spouse feels about me. More people should learn this.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. Steve T.

    Going through someone's private things whenever you have a "suspicion" results in a few things: the birth of your lack of respect for your partner's privacy in the relationship, the subsequent habit that will develop of going through their things whenever YOU have a suspicion, the subsequent habit of not confronting with dialogue but instead sneaking around, and the subsequent lack of trust on both sides.

    When your own insecurities and anxieties arise, instead of confronting them and finding what causes them, or instead of confronting your partner about the subject to find the truth in it, you get into the habit of prying through their things, which results in you NEVER trusting your partner and their never trusting YOU.

    This is a sorry, pathetic piece of advice. If you can't confront your partner directly about it and be honest, and they can't be honest back, then cut off the relationship immediately. No one should stoop to the level of snooping around other people's things. It's completely pathetic that the author suggests guidelines for "when to snoop," as if snooping is an inevitable/acceptable practice anyway. Have some self-respect.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. JJ

    Snooping is wrong. It violates trust too. I'm sure everyone has been tempted by curiosity or insecurity at times, but don't do it.

    That said, privacy is not secrecy. Nobody should be keeping "secrets" from their partner of any kind. One should freely talk about the days plans, who they talked to, who they met, etc. if it comes up in conversation. It;s even better to be proactive and let your spouse know when someone questionable contacts you. Like "I got an email from my ex. I'm going to tell them to stop writing me". That's better than trying to hide it. And it promotes trust, as well as keeping "innocent" cotnact from slipping into inappropriate territory. Basically, if you are a good spouse, you have nothing to hide.

    If you spouse has no secrets, and is open with you, you probably won't have the urge to snoop either.
    But if your spouse is being sneaky and secretive, it's probably going to trigger some paranoia and curiosity.

    So the best advice is 1) be open to each other as much as feels comfortable 2) try to trust each other 3) if you have some concerns, talk about it (again, openly).

    October 14, 2010 at 16:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. MarkH

    Bad advice. Snooping is as destructive to a relationship as the other's act of deceitfulness. If you snoop or the other hides, then you've lost trust in each other and the relationship is over, anyway.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. scaredofinternet

    I think the big issue here is that many long term relationships started before the social media craze and they are now being forced to adapt to the technology. This doesn't seem to be an issue with people under 30. I'm not arguing people don't cheat at this age. They do. We just don't consider the internet to be a tool to spy on our partners secret lives. This isn't because our relationships are younger (most people in their 40's seem to be in their 2nd or 3rd marriage and these marriages are often shorter than the relationship I'm in). The difference is that the younger generation has grown up with the reality of social media. We were on friendster and myspace and now facebook. Before that we were on messageboards and AIM. During that time we established the new rules of social etiquette. Snooping is snooping whether it's online or not. How would you feel if you came home and found your spouse had opened a personal letter (you know, in a sealed envelope) addressed to you from an old colleague? I would be angry. And not because my privacy was invaded, but because my friends privacy was. A third party has intercepted a message that was supposed to exist between two other people. Yes my partner should have access to MY life, but that doesn't mean my partner should have access to everything MY FRIENDS share with me. And I have no right to invade the lives of her friends (some of them I have no desire to know about).

    I'm curious what the conversations were like when everyone on here first asked their spouse/partner to give them their e-mail passwords. How does that come up in casual conversation without the person asking coming off as a complete jealous creep? My GF and I have lived together for over 4 years. We share a computer. We never log out of our accounts, but we also don't share our passwords. And we don't read each others stuff.

    We do share with each other. We share the conversations we have online over the dinner table. We share funny stories our friends have told us. Conversations about art, philosophy or science that we are having with friends from across the country. Just like we would share stories of lunches with friends we had in the "real" world. If my girlfriend were spending hours online and had nothing to talk to me about, I would be worried. But the problem is with us, not the internet. If I can't talk to her about my concern without digging up evidence first, we have more pressing issues than our broadband. Relationships are the same, the technology is different. The only problem is that a lot of people just haven't caught on.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:38 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Shawn

      Oops, posted a reply to your post at the bottom of the page..

      -Shawn

      October 14, 2010 at 17:26 | Report abuse |
    • spikette

      good post and your point might be relevant. i know all this was not a part of our marriage for a decade. it is new territory. i am computer illiterate. my hubby is a computer tech. he has his own server and sets all our stuff up adn keeps it going. was not a matter of either of us asking for each others codes. it has always been that way. his computer sits open. my computer is open on kitchen table. we never discussed it. we never asked the other for codes. has just been available.

      i dont snoop in his stuff, but i could. i have never seen him have an interest in my stuff, but it would be really easy for him.

      it is just hear, available, nothing hidden. open. and we trust each other.

      if either of us started protecting our stuff, it would be so out of character and obvious.

      October 15, 2010 at 01:43 | Report abuse |
  45. that guy

    When i found out my G/F put a keylogger on my computer, and was reading everything i had ever said or done, i lost my trust of her forever. Her snooping in my e-mails, social sites, everything electronic, which is quite a bit. I had nothing to hide, and when she told me that it was because she doesnt trust men, I packed up and bailed. Whether you find something out or not, you jeapordize your relationship. I wont be with someone who doesnt trust me, its a fundamental of a relationship, it HAS burned me, and i'd still do it again.

    It's fine for girls to snoop through everything i do, know every word i say, but half the women i know talk about their boyfriends being overbearing and that they need to back off, etc. Look in the mirrors ladies! Trust him, or dont. All mistrust leads to is bad stuff. nothing good can come from it.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:41 | Report abuse | Reply
    • mandy

      Have to agree, my ahole boyfriend was calling me all the time, and looking all over my facebook friends constantly if i wasnt near him. Eventually my friend brandon got laid, he finally got his justified suspicion, and i got out of a terrible relationship i couldnt breathe in. Get some self confidence people, even preparing for infidelity or snooping it on your own doesnt make it any better. Your setting out to harm youself.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:50 | Report abuse |
  46. Jonathon

    My own work is very social, very relationship driven. I come into contact with many people regularly, and try to develop good professional relationships and friendships. I do not make distinctions between men and women, but my spouse sure does. She has access to any social networking site on which I have an account (FB) and the mere fact that there are females who are "friends" has really caused problems. She says no other woman should care about my family, pictures of my kids, etc. unless there was something improper going on – THERE ISNT. It puts me into a tough position – To avoid people with whom I work online is not good business, and to simply be friends, open to my wife, causes major fights, even to the point of wondering if maybe she is protesting too much?. It doesnt seem fair. And believe me, there is a double standard – she has plenty of long time male friends on her site. So I really encourage people to think long and hard about what is, and isn't, happening online.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Bekah

      Your wife is paranoid. I'd run if I was stuck in that.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:43 | Report abuse |
    • Brad

      Sounds like a relationship built on mutual trust and respect, nice!

      October 14, 2010 at 16:57 | Report abuse |
    • Walker

      Sounds like your wife has pretty low self esteem, I've been there. I'd either require both of you to drop any social networks or have them open kimono – where you both know each others passwords to FB, email etc. My wife occasionally gets that way(trust-daddy issues) and I just let her know how to get into my phone, email and FB...over time it has happened less and less to the point it in no longer a problem. But I would cause a stink about the double standard – she can have male friends and you can't have female friends....wrong! That is BS, of course you guys might have cheating issues (your past or she has guilt about what she's doing) or it could be her self esteem (which is my guess).
      Hang in there, it'll get better.

      October 14, 2010 at 16:59 | Report abuse |
    • Tom

      I feel your pain Jonathan, my wife is the same way. It makes me uncomfortable around any females...especially attractive ones since I know if I say anything to them I will be in trouble. I am a friendly guy and possibly flirtatious as far as smiles go. But i am not tryonhg to hook up with anyone. Anyway...I am whining too much. Good luck!

      October 14, 2010 at 18:09 | Report abuse |
  47. Bekah

    And what happens when you need to vent about your spouse? You tell your friend something mean about your current partner just to get it out and feel better, but that partner finds it by snooping and suddenly the relationship ends when you were trying to prevent just that by venting!

    My husband and I are polyamorous, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but people have a right to separate lives. It's sick to say a person that wants privacy must be hiding something. If that's true, my happily married parents of over 30 years marital bliss must be cheating on each other b/c they keep some things apart. My parents taught me that you keep yourself a space apart, that marriage isn't a union of two people into one but two people walking in the same direction. It's worked for us, it worked for my grandparents, and I don't see how that doesn't work now.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:43 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Shawn

      You are absolutely correct Bekah. Polyamorous people are always so logical!

      October 14, 2010 at 16:49 | Report abuse |
    • IceT

      Vent to your friend and talk to your spouse. If you can't do that & your spouse can't understand, you don't have a solid relationship.

      October 14, 2010 at 17:13 | Report abuse |
  48. R K

    If you are uncomfortable enough in your relationship to feel that snooping is a neccesity, then you aren't in the right relationship. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and make a relationship about the two people that matter, you and your partner. Do things together and respect the other's right to privacy when alone. If I am not included, there is a reason. If I am not comfortable with that, then I have the ability to leave. I am a human, but I am not a puppet. If I don't trust someone, I don't stick around. Period! To those of you that are/do, you will always be cheated on, you will always be snooped on, and you will never be truly happy.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Brad

    If my wife wants to "snoop" she can do it all she wants... from her new apartment.

    I have nothing to hide and if she doesn't TRUST that, she can get out.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. Susan

    Hi Robin- You are totally 100% correct

    Peter- You clearly are the kind of person Robin was talking about. Brain stem my &%$#@.

    October 14, 2010 at 16:57 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Peter

      Ummmm . . . not remotely guilty of what Robin described. George Kennan (the diplomat who saw clearly that Russia was never going to attack us pre-emptively, and this in 1946) has some very clear and sobering thoughts on this topic (the fact that we all want and yet don't want fidelity) based on a lifetime of observing the human condition.

      October 14, 2010 at 17:37 | Report abuse |
1 2 3 4

Post a comment


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.