Internet infidelity: Is it time to snoop?
December 22nd, 2011
12:17 PM ET

Internet infidelity: Is it time to snoop?

This is a repost of Ian Kerner's column.  Kerner will be back with new posts in January.

From Don Juan to David Letterman, infidelity has been around as long as civilization has existed, and the Internet is still but a tiny blip in the long jaded history of adultery. But the Internet is also arguably the biggest threat to relationships that has come along since the birth of marriage, and it’s here to stay.

New threats demand new rules, and the next time your partner goes online, maybe you should be worrying about if he or she is also out of line.

These days, cheating and engaging in other secretive behaviors that could lead to infidelity have become easier than setting up a Wii.

Technology isn’t just enabling secretive behavior, it’s accelerating it at record pace: Flirtatious friendships, emotional affairs, the return of the ex, sexting, online porn and cyber-sex—with each new advance in technology comes a new way to deceive, and more and more of us are increasingly leading “digital double-lives.”

In her seminal book on emotional infidelity, "Not Just Friends," the late psychotherapist Shirley Glass implores readers to “maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.”

But with the threat of the Internet, it’s not just windows and walls we need to worry about, it’s also leaks and seals. The No. 1 danger of Internet infidelity is not that it could lead to actual sexual infidelity, but that it so easily diverts precious emotional resources away from one’s primary relationship.

Emotional infidelity can happen anywhere, anytime, but with the Internet and real-time digital technologies (email, texting,  IMing, skyping, social networking, and others) a small leak, if left unsealed, can quickly lead to a flood.

With its quick hits of newness and novelty, the Internet enables us to easily tune out and turn off to our partners, when we should be making an effort to tune in and turn on. The instant gratification of these technologies stimulates reward centers in the brain, and soon one finds oneself craving the quick hit of an instant connection or lamenting its absence.

So what should you do when your gut tells you that something is wrong, but your partner refuses to acknowledge your feelings?  What should you do when you’ve tried to talk, only to be told that you’re crazy or paranoid and that nothing’s going on?

Well, maybe it’s time to snoop.

You may not agree, but in my opinion too many people wait far too long to follow their instincts, and relationships that could have been saved had issues been nipped in the bud are instead decimated to bits and bytes.

With the Internet too many people hide behind their “right to privacy,” when what they’re really trying to protect is their right to secrecy. But nobody should have that liberty.

The moment you have something to hide – the moment you write an email that you don’t want your partner to see, the moment you’re uncomfortable talking on the phone in front of your partner, the moment you have to delete your Internet history before getting off your computer, the moment you have to set up a special email address for certain correspondences,  the moment you’re uncomfortable sharing your passwords— that’s when the trouble begins.

In a healthy relationship there should be nothing to hide. If someone is hiding something, then they should be found out. Not because they need to be penalized or humiliated, but because transparency and honesty are central to a healthy relationship.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t respect your partner’s privacy, but respect first and foremost demands a foundation of trust. For example, I have one password for all of my various email accounts and my wife knows what it is.  Does she ever use it? I doubt it, but I can’t say for sure. And she’s welcome to sift through my emails anytime she likes.

But before you snoop or dig around, ask yourself a few questions:

  • Does your spouse spend way too much time on the computer and other digital devices such as a cell phone or smart phone? Is he/she secretive about it? For example, is your spouse comfortable leaving his/her Facebook page or email open when not at the computer?
  • Is your spouse in touch with former flames or members of the opposite sex via a social networking site such as Facebook? If so, does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel like you don’t know what’s going on, that these “friendships” aren’t out in the open?
  • Does your partner call you paranoid when you bring up the subject and insist on his/her right to privacy?

Depending upon how you answered these questions, it might be time to snoop, especially if you’ve tried to talk about your concerns with your partner but have been met with hostility and denials.

Hopefully there will be nothing to discover and you’ll be able to breathe more easily and more coolly examine why you had suspicions and where you might be able to improve your relationship.

But maybe you’re not crazy. Maybe your partner is hiding something.

And, in the end, knowledge is power.

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

soundoff (369 Responses)
  1. Lisa Johnson

    I am not saying that relationships where the parties choose transparency as one of their ground rules are bad or wrong. Many couples want that. Many couples choose that.

    Frequently, those relationships are happy, they're not suffering, it's not "vivid" behavior, it doesn't have adverse life consequences to structure a relationship that way.

    However, the relationships structured that way are not typically structured on snooping, they're structured on *asking*. Not necessarily asking every time for anything, but on mutual agreement as to what it's okay to just look at and what is "ask first."

    If those are the mutually agreed relationship boundaries, and they are for many relationships, then that's okay. Communication and mutual agreement about the rules and boundaries is the critically important part.

    October 15, 2010 at 13:12 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Rob

      Thumbs up! Explained well. Never thought of participating in a relationship that wasn't transparent between the spouses and I thought it made me a dinosaur, but it's nice to hear that it's one of the agreements couples choose to make. Our 'agreement' just happened with no discussion because we both happened to hold the same view. But I can see that if one or the other of us didn't support transparency, and there was never a discussion or agreement from the outset, there would have been problems and trust issues. But snooping. That is so low, and as harmful as cheating. I figure if you have to snoop, then there are a host of other problems that need addressing. Snooping is not the answer!

      October 15, 2010 at 13:20 | Report abuse |
  2. Lisa Johnson

    (I'm not including myself as not having breakage. I just put boundaries between my own personal issues in my own life versus care of others. Many, if not most, providers have diagnosed issues in their own lives. This is one reason why ethics requires keeping a professional distance when providing care. So no, I'm not representing myself as problem-free.)

    October 15, 2010 at 13:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. Lisa Johnson

    The author of the article also represents snooping as a necessity if your partner refuses to be transparent with you. I view that as a cheap and shoddy rationalization for bad behavior.

    The truth is that you do not have to prove a partner is cheating in order to end a relationship. If you ask a partner for access to something, and they cite privacy/secrecy, then of course it's okay to argue with them about it. That's a healthy reason for an argument, and if you can't come to a mutual resolution, then you need to go to counseling.

    Snooping is about being "right." It's about the emotional satisfaction of catching your partner in the act. Or the emotional satisfaction of controlling your partner by accessing information he or she refused to give you when you asked, if it turns out you find no proof of cheating when you snoop.

    You can leave a relationship even if your partner isn't cheating on you. You can insist on counseling as a condition of staying in the relationship whether you have proof your partner is cheating or not. You can leave a relationship, and never know if your partner is cheating, just because you have irreconcilable standards of acceptable levels of transparency or acceptable behavior.

    I did not like my first husband's level of open closeness with another woman. I communicated this. He refused to go to counseling or change the behavior. That was one of many reasons I divorced him. To this day, I do not know whether they were kissing or cuddling behind my back, or exchanging sweet nothings, or having sex. And it doesn't matter. The divorce was about an irreconcilably broken relationship. It wasn't about me "being right" and any vindication or urge for a technicolor revenge scene I might have had would not have justified me snooping on him.

    Because you don't have to prove an affair to break up with or divorce someone–the law allows no fault divorce–there is no excuse for snooping. Ever. Snooping is fundamentally about seeking validation for the decision to end a broken relationship, or the decision to insist your partner attend counseling with you as a condition of maintaining the relationship.

    There is nothing inherently wrong with seeking validation. There is a whole lot wrong with seeking validation by sneaking around and betraying trust and breaching boundaries.

    October 15, 2010 at 13:37 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Michael

      @LISA and her sock-puppet ROB ... "Snooping is about being "right." It's about the emotional satisfaction of catching your partner in the act. Or the emotional satisfaction of controlling your partner by accessing information he or she refused to give you when you asked, if it turns out you find no proof of cheating when you snoop."

      Sheesh! Not in all instances. Catching a partner in the act is far from the bowl full of cherries you make it out to be. It can be quite traumatizing and humiliating. The truth can degrade your own self-esteem as well as your cherished image of your spouse. I don't know anyone who would put that on THEIR bucket list?! But in the very least, after the humilation, the one consolation we can cling to - the crutch - the driftwood - is that we did take control - not of our spouse but of our OWN lives in uncovering the truth.

      October 16, 2010 at 00:59 | Report abuse |
    • Jay

      Who says that relationship must be monogamous to be a healthy?

      January 11, 2013 at 06:29 | Report abuse |
  4. Iced Green Tea

    It's never time to snoop. If I ever found out a boyfriend snooped my email, I would end the relationship immediately. And I would never snoop anyone's email myself.

    My best friend entered a relationship with a man she really had just wanted to be friends with, and was very honest with him, from the start, that she had strong feelings for another man who wavered between hot and cold with her. Her boyfriend decided this honesty on her part entitled him to snoop her emails and IM chats with this man. Snooping their private conversations made him paranoid, constantly angry, and verbally abusive. I was so glad when she finally got rid of him.

    October 15, 2010 at 13:39 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Thatiana

      I’m happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with three kids. A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce.he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn’t love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited. {{{{https://robinbuckler. com }}}}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn’t call me for the past seven {8}months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than as it were before,by the help of a spell caster. He also cures Herpes So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same and you can also reach him through Robinson.buckler @t[yahoo] com

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      December 19, 2020 at 15:11 | Report abuse |
  5. I Agree with Michael

    "Not in all instances. Catching a partner in the act is far from the bowl full of cherries you make it out to be. It can be quite traumatizing and humiliating. The truth can degrade your own self-esteem as well as your cherished image of your spouse. I don't know anyone who would put that on THEIR bucket list?! But in the very least, after the humilation, the one consolation we can cling to – the crutch – the driftwood – is that we did take control – not of our spouse but of our OWN lives in uncovering the truth."

    Bravo, Michael.

    October 16, 2010 at 01:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Lisa Johnson

    My ex snooped. *After* I had separated from him and filed for divorce. It was a pain in the neck to keep running security software on my machine, and watching physical access, to make sure he hadn't somehow gotten a key logger on there. If he had done something of that sort and snooped a password, a felony in the state we were in, he would have lost his job and his employability for life.

    As he should.

    The temptation to snoop is not justified "to uncover The Truth." You may want the truth, but the ends do not justify the means. You are not entitled to The Truth. You are just entitled to leave the relationship if your partner is not willing to be candid and transparent enough for you.

    If you commit felonies "to uncover the truth" you deserve what you get–prosecution.

    October 16, 2010 at 09:48 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Michael

      The Truth IS the ONE thing we are all entitled to. Not because it's heroic or for the greater glory of Thyself (sheesh! You have some terrible view of people). And that Waco example is some diversion. We have a right to make sense of things that happen to US, especially when the consequence is the degradation of a marriage.

      You invest in someone emotionally and financially, and for a great period that investment is mutual and is the only life you really know. If the marriage can't be saved, the one thing you can acheive for all your trouble is an understanding of what happened on which you can build a better understanding of self and other moving forward. Otherwise, the cinfusion and curiosity will eat at you the rest of your life or the false assumptions, misapprehensions, and lessons NOT learned will mislead you. Yeah, snooping is absolutely justified under these circumstances.

      I have never been sentenced from snooping, but I have learned from my experience that even law enforcement, while they are putting the cuffs on me, would whisper in my ear how sympathetic they are with my plight. After my glorious coup into my wife's account, I have been approached by people (including a cop) asking for advice on how they could use a keystroke logger to address suspicions they have about their own spouses.

      October 16, 2010 at 11:58 | Report abuse |
  7. Lisa Johnson

    People act like pursuit of The Truth is some kind of glorious, heroic endeavor that is an absolute entitlement to do whatever they want.

    I'd like "to uncover the truth" about the ATF and Waco, but if I broke into the FBI and started digging through their files, I don't think a federal judge would be very sympathetic.

    October 16, 2010 at 09:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. Michael

    Also, since when is the legal code is the ultimate arbiter of things. There are higher principles than laws. And greater things at stake than one's freedom. I don't think even you buy your own press about the law. You just harbor resentment over your ex and wish the law could be used to punish him for invading your privacy. (I am not familiar with your circumstances so I cannot say whether I would be sympathetic with his reasons or whether I would agree with you that his snooping was evil and pathological). There is no one end-all-be-all adjudication for all cases.

    October 16, 2010 at 12:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. D

    Providing passwords and accounts prove nothing at all because you can never be sure that you have been given 100%. And even if you were given 100% at one time and point, life moves on accounts that you may not be aware can occur.

    Bottom line is faith. You go into a relationship or a marriage knowing that this could happen one day. If it happens it happens. You decide how you want to deal with it. If it does happens it is not the end of the world. Its happened to many others and will happen to many more in the future. There are no guarantees in life. Just choices. Both people make a choice on how they let something like this affect them. Some people are perpetual victims and others pick themselves off the ground and move on.

    October 16, 2010 at 16:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Michael

    @D. True. But I want to know if it happens. Lisa does not think I am entitled to the truth, as if the truth in this case is the exclusive property of my spouse and her lover. But it is not. While she may not have wanted me to know ... while she may have taken great care to keep me from knowing ... her tryst concerns and impacts me as much as it does them, and so by virtue of the rings on our fingers, I am part owner of the Truth. Marriage means two people belong to one another in certain respects. Not in every respect. But our hearts and our bodies belong to one another. If she wants to cut someone else in on "the property," she has to get my approval first or at least let me know her intentions. Then in good conscience I can decide to deal with that information how I see fit - whether it means walking out, terminating the life of her lover, enrolling in square dance lessons etc.

    October 16, 2010 at 18:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. El B

    Snooping is against the law, PERIOD. Here is one example for one state:


    You can find similar examples for all the states. Laws may vary slightly between states, but the bottom line is it's criminal activity and the seriousness of it is not to be downplayed. Somewhere way up above someone claiming to be a lawyer already chimed in with a similar message but it has been largely ignored in subsequent replies.

    October 17, 2010 at 08:11 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Michael

      Who cares whether it's against the law? The law was never designed to codify morality or justice.

      There are higher principles than laws. And greater things at stake than one's freedom. One of the individuals who was aware of my snopping was a police officer. He works security in our building and he helped take me to an ambulance after news of my wife's affair brought on a stress-induced arrhythmia. On the ambulance ride, he asked me how I could help him expose his fiance's affair. He made it clear to me that even if he or any of his fellow officers had to slap cuffs on me for breaking the law, they would do it with profound sympathy for me.

      The law notwithstanding, people know right from wrong. And everyone knew it was wrong for my wife and another employee to use "the law" as a convenient cover for an illicit affair. I dared to break down that cover and force the situation that was right for all concerned - force my wife to choose between our marriage and some alternative future. When she realized she could not have her cake and eat it too, she wanted nothing to do with the other man, and grew angry at him for seducing her into nearly making the biggest mistake of her life. Once the light was brought to bear on the secret affair, everyone - and I mean EVERYONE - even my wife and her lover - brought conventional mores to bear in judging themselves! All was right again - thanks to a prudently timed and measured tactic we call "snooping."

      October 18, 2010 at 10:44 | Report abuse |
  12. To Llisa

    You are one angry person. Good thing you aren't getting married ever again. I would hate to be the man. You are wrong. Transparency in a marriage is a must. Period.

    This coming from a woman

    October 17, 2010 at 11:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. Michael

    Besides, my wife could have blown the whistle on me, but why do you think she didn't? She knew she would have looked like a monster if she used the "law" to both conceal an illicit affair with a colleague an then indict her poor husband for doing the only thing he could to find out about it.

    My question to you - EI B - is ... what kind of monster are you?

    October 18, 2010 at 10:49 | Report abuse | Reply
    • El B

      I'm the kind of monster who appreciates justice and weighing all sides of a story. And from what you say here, I bet your take on murder is a real doozy! You're doing a helluva job of blowing your own horn but we're not hearing much about what drove your wife to behave like she did. Nobody who's truly happy and satisfied is going to succomb to seduction from anyone outside of their relationship. A coworker of mine is currently going through a drama similar to what you describe except that she's not being seduced by anyone, she's just trying to negotiate a peaceful separation with her hubby. But he's in total denial that they have any problems and is such a control freak that he's lowered himself to using the same methods that you describe to monitor her every electronic move. It's sickening to watch what's happenening to this totally decent woman. She doesn't want to cause him any problems so she's ignoring his illegal activities. It's his control freak behavior that's driving her out of the marriage in the first place and now he's making things 1000 times worse. Some people just don't know when it's time to stop and let the healing for both sides to begin. Shameful at the very least.

      October 22, 2010 at 10:36 | Report abuse |
  14. Mike

    Hmmm. I just saw another Frisky article, where some guy is told he's nuts for snooping on his lady's email with an ex. Here, we're told when it's ok to snoop. Like, it's ok if you suspect your guy, it seems, but not ok if you suspect your lady with an ex.
    You know, there are double standards everywhere, but we only seem to pay attention the ones that women don't like.

    October 18, 2010 at 12:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Michael

    Where is this privacy act by the way when it comes to the need to protect people from online defamation? While I understand you can sue someone in civil court for damages stemming from online defamation, there is no law that would criminalize it. We want the freedom to say whatever we want no matter how fraudulent, malicious, and destructive just to wreak havoc in another person's life. In that case, FREEDOM triumphs PRIVACY. Those who try to invoke privacy are demeaned as ignorant and un-American. Freedom also makes available to us all information about other people through personal search databases like Intelius.com. I can purchase a criminal background check and personal address history for anyone I want for something like $10-14. Where's the PRIVACY here?

    But for some reason, PRIVACY is in vogue when used to protect people's marital affairs, and if I cried FREEDOM to support my snooping for a very noble cause (marriage), I should feel like a criminal? Who wants to live 5, 6, 10 years of their life under the delusion they are in a mutually commited marriage where each spouse feels like he means the BEST THING - if not everything - to the other ... only to find out later that their spouse was using migraines to bow out of sex so she could climax during phone sex, cybersex, or real sex with another man? EVERYONE has a right - if not a duty - to know he or she does not have the spouse's heart. It's a crime not to know.

    October 18, 2010 at 15:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. DesMoiner

    Relationships are prisons. Human mammals are not programmed to be with just one person. The fallacy of monogamy has been perpetuated by theocratic control freaks bent on keeping the masses in line. Here's a tip, assume the person you're with is cheating then there are no surprises. Marriage is a scam too, so don't do it. The only person you have to blame when your "significant other" (whatever the heck that's supposed to mean) cheats is YOU for being so naive in the first place. Oh, and stay out of someone else's computer. Privacy and secrecy have always been problems in amerika. Don't make it worse.

    October 24, 2010 at 07:52 | Report abuse | Reply
    • LadyDyeAgnostic

      While I do agree with you that mammalian monogamy is largely a social construct put upon us by our upbringing/religion/etc., I do have to say that a relationship is (or should be) what you want it to be,or can make of it. If you just want to date someone because you think they're hot,and vice-versa,and your standards are low for it,then by all means,go for it. Me,I like the idea that out of the billions of people on the planet,there is someone who genuinely cares about my wants/needs/etc. without motive,and vice versa. Knowing that someone cares whether or not I come home at night and has my back...that makes the last 18 years totally worth it.

      January 12, 2012 at 10:01 | Report abuse |
  17. DeathPaladin

    I can't agree. I've been with my wife for 3 years, and she really is paranoid. I can't leave anything open or she goes snooping – she never finds anything serious, but one time I added a female friend to my contacts and she flipped out, because apparently I'm not allowed to even talk to another woman (this was before the passwording of EVERYTHING). Since I locked everything up, our relationship has been wonderful; since she can't snoop, she stops worrying, and we don't fight.
    I believe trust is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship. Every human being on this planet has certain secrets they never tell anyone, things they take to their grave. You have to trust your partner without them daily having to prove their trustworthiness through transparency. Otherwise, why are you together?

    October 28, 2010 at 11:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Isabella Cooper

    Well let me just say I totally agree with this article – If there is a foundation of trust in the relationship there should be no issue. I was dating a man for six month, who told me pretty early on that he loved me, wanted to get married, have kids, called my mom on multiple occasions to tell her all the things he loved about me. . .And come to find out I go away for a weekend as a guest at a wedding (I didn't invite him as I was a guest of a guest) and he hooked up with his ex & had been all along communicating with her as well with the exception for a short period (2 months -maybe)!. How did I find out – She followed me on twitter & sent me a direct message. And he told me his ex contacted him- called me at the wedding upset telling me he loved me & were we ok?? Then got mad at me for responding to her email & meeting her in person to find out what had happened. Really . . .that's how your gonna play this out?

    Who does something like that? Who goes to such lengths to deceive a person your with? I believe trust is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship. We all have secrets of some sort we will never disclose, but in a relationship honesty is the most important factor as well as communication – It's sad that people feel the need to go to such lengths to deceive another person, put their physical well being in jeopardy and just be so hurtful!

    The email apology I got said he was sorry, wasn't a bad guy & that he would learn from this – I don't mean to sound bitter, but really he'd changed in 4 days since the email apology? Go see a therapist & get some help!

    October 28, 2010 at 16:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Elisabeth

    Keeping things open is vital to a relationship. If things are locked down tight like Fort Knox or if there is some reluctance to allow access to one's partner to their computer and passwords this will incite suspicion and distrust.

    November 1, 2010 at 08:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. A

    The author has made many valid points in this blog post. Although social media has done some wonderful things, such as allowing people to stay connected with people from their past or people who do not live close to them, it has created an avenue for people to cheat on their relationship partners. It gives individuals an inside view into another's life which could cause them to become curious or interested in someone of their past or someone new. The internet allows people to send fast communication to one another and takes out much of the awkwardness that people may experience when meeting face to face. It makes communication simple for people without even leaving the house. Before social media, in order for people to cheat they had to get dressed up, go out, strike up conversation with someone, and hope that the person found them charming. The internet takes out many of these aspects and allows people to connect emotionally without strings attached. People are much bolder online than they might be in person as well and allows for instant gratification without the effort. Many people who engage in internet infidelity feel like internet flirting is innocent because there isn't a physical aspect involved. I completely disagree with this point. The second an individual in a relationship strikes up a secret relationship on the internet with another person other than their relationship partner where they are receiving affirmation and gratification I consider this cheating. It is connecting emotionally with someone other than their partner and is deceptive. I do think couples who have worries about their partners engaging in an internet relationship should confront their partner before snooping for evidence. Relationships should be built on trust and if an individual does not trust his or her partner he or she should communicate his or her concerns to the other partner.

    October 5, 2011 at 22:37 | Report abuse | Reply
    • allen

      Following this thread with interest. You bring up some quite interesting points....Thank you.

      December 28, 2011 at 17:48 | Report abuse |
  21. benny1419

    Snooping never helps, when I first dated my now exhusband he never gave me any trust, if I stayed at home for the night because my job got exhausting that day, he promptly stopped by and sneaked into my backyard to look into my bedroom window to see if I was there and to see if I had another guy there. Now going thru years of him accusing me of cheating it turned out his constant dishonesty to me about various topics was eating away at him (and who knows what else) drove him to pass the guilt/blame.I always gave him my passwords and didn't get bothered by him using or going thru my phone until he opened an account in my name for a cheating website, then I changed my online accounts around to get my privacy back. Then to make life much more interesting after I had kicked him out to file for divorce he still continued to snoop. Very unnerving. I will never date a man with trust issues again, they cannot be fixed.

    December 23, 2011 at 12:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Ann

    If you really feel the need to snoop then you may have trust issues, whether justified or not- who wants to be with someone they can't trust? Stop settling and wait for the right person to come along...sheeesh. Snooping or the feeling of needing to snoop= not a healthy relationship

    December 26, 2011 at 16:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Han

    Hi Belle! Thanks for writing and srhiang some of your story! This is a hard issue. It does feel as though we should be able to trust our spouse and not need to ask them to see anything. In a world without sin, that would be true. What is also true is that the marriage relationship is special and like no other. It cannot be compared to any other relationship we expereince (other then Christ). Sin or not, I believe God wanted complete transparency in our marriages. We should hold nothing back from our spouse. Nothing!I understand that you wanting to have that complete transparency makes your husband feel disrespected. But I disagree with him. Mutual respect would allow for complete transparency. I would encourage you to talk with your hubby about being transparent. That if you can share yourselves completely, body and all, why can you not share this. I am sure your hubby loves you very much. And you should continue to pray for God's wisdom and His guidance. There are times that we truly have to seek God's calm and peace when trusting. The enemy will try to steal, kill and destroy our marriages. So while you need to be trusting, there should also be transparency. I feel it is consistant with the teachings in God's word for marriage. We are to be completely transparent with Christ. And our relationship with our husbands is paralled with Christ and the church in the Bible. As for practical ways to flesh this out . . . make sure you are showing your hubby respect in all areas. Because God asks that of us as wives, but also because you are building a consistant character as a wise woman. That does not mean you cannot talk with him about desiring to be transparent. Share with him why you want that and how you feel that will benefit your marriage. Try to stay away from pointing fingers. He is already going to be on guard, for feeling attached. Share from your heart. How much you want your marriage to grow and be the marriage God wants it to be! Know that I am praying for you and your hubby! Blessings to you both! Kate

    July 3, 2012 at 04:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. fierytrainwreck

    If a gal is maintaining friendships with a bunch of ex's and constantly chatting with other guys online, I simply remove her from my own pool of potential partners. I'm sure some women are able to do these things without creating drama and sowing insecurity/jealousy, but my experiences have been so powerfully contrary that I don't even risk it anymore. It has become by far my biggest red flag, and it makes internet dating almost a non-option. If I do happen to fall in with a woman only to discover she does these things, I force myself to put an end to the relationship as soon as possible.

    July 3, 2013 at 17:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. SoullessTechnocrat

    Again, another argument for omnicide. There's no reason anyone should be allowed to live, much less hurt each other with trust issues. Since no one can truly be trusted, and everyone cheats eventually: the only real solution is to purge the world of any and all life that could evolve to sentience. A permanent solution to a recurring problem.

    September 17, 2014 at 06:54 | Report abuse | Reply
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