September 15th, 2011
09:49 AM ET
Would you ever swing?
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
No, I’m not talking about ballroom dancing. This is a sex column, after all.
With buzz-terms like “monogamish” and “negotiated monogamy” making headlines, many couples are discovering that they have a shared appetite for sexual adventure, and that getting it on with another couple may be the golden ticket – not just to thrills, but also to staying together and surviving another day in the life of a relationship.
While the term “swinging” may be a throwback to the 70s and the days of Plato’s Retreat, more and more modern couples are hooking up with other couples, either informally or through networks or clubs. And, of course, like all things online, the Internet has amplified these opportunities and made it easier to find couples and clubs in a neighborhood near you.
As with most sexual activities, there haven’t been many studies into the prevalence of swinging - and many people who do it don’t necessarily want to admit it - but some experts believe that there could be as many 15 million Americans swinging on a regular basis. Chances are you have a friend or neighbor who is swinging.
As I’ve written about previously in this column, I often run into two “sexual types” in my work as a sexuality counselor: “comfort creatures” and “thrill seekers.” The former takes a “less is more” approach to sexual novelty, while the latter often have a “more, more, more” attitude. Usually this dichotomy isn’t an issue when two people find themselves at the same end the spectrum.
For two comfort creatures, for example, swinging isn’t probably high up on their sexual bucket list, although it might well be a fantasy. Exhibitionism, voyeurism, watching a partner have sex with someone else - these are very common fantasies, and, in many cases, sharing a fantasy can lead to an actual exploration of fantasy, especially when one partner is hankering for a bit more sexual adventure.
“My husband and I had some confusion that we had to get straightened out,” a client whom I’ll call Kelly told me. “I feel very comfortable in our relationship, and I have a vivid fantasy life. I think of myself as a very sexual person. But when I mentioned my fantasy of watching him get it on with another woman, he wanted to make it a reality. At least he thought he did. We perused some sites, which was fun, but in the end, neither of us decided to pursue it. It just looked too sleazy. Luckily, the subject was dropped.”
But for couples with a genuine appetite (and stomach) for sexual novelty, swinging might not be a big deal and might even be a counterintuitive way of strengthening their sense of fidelity and identity as a couple. It’s monogamy on shared terms. In fact, many couples who swing together paradoxically have even stronger sexual boundaries than couples who do not.
But swinging can backfire, too. I worked with one couple who liked to swing on a regular basis, but the reason they ended up in my office was because she had major problems with all of the stuff he kept to himself: flirty friendships, porn usage, his enjoyment of strippers. She had no problem with swinging, but in every other way she demanded more exclusivity from the relationship than many far less sexually adventurous women would require. From her perspective, swinging was just another way of sharing everything, including sex.
And for many couples, swinging is by no means a replacement for sex; it’s an augmentation, and very different than actual lovemaking with their partner. Many couples use occasional swinging as an opportunity to jumpstart their sex life and break out of a rut. “Swinging strengthens us,” says Jenny, a mother of two. “It’s something we do once or twice a year. We enjoy the scoping out of another couple, the flirtation, the sex, but also the way we talk about it for weeks after and incorporate into our fantasy life. We love having a secret life together – a whole different community than the ones we see at PTA meetings – although we’re just waiting for those worlds to collide.”
But swinging certainly doesn’t work for everyone, especially couples in which one partner is going along for the ride with another partner, like when a true comfort creature is paired with a thrill seeker. Then it becomes a form of sexual pressure, and can lead to disastrous results.
And sometimes we think we know what we want, but the process of discovery has unintended results. Ken, who had to convince his wife to give swinging a go, said, “I was prepared for everything, except seeing my wife kiss another man - out of the whole experience that’s the image I can’t get out of my head: her kissing another man. The moral of the lesson for me: Swinging is something a couple should work towards in their relationship, not begin with.”
Ken’s wife wanted to give it another whirl, this time with the rule of no kissing. Meanwhile, Ken wanted to drop the whole thing.
Monogamy: what a concept.
About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
Greetings! Very helpful advice in this particular article! It is the little changes that make the greatest changes. Many thanks for sharing
Somebody essentially help to make seriously posts I would state. This is the very first time I frequented your website page and thus far? I amazed with the research you made to create this particular publish amazing. Excellent job!
Best Marketing Services – Cheapest on Market. SMM Supreme is the Top 5 Best Social Media Website in the World. Best Quality-Price Ratio on the market with 714,928 orders until now. – Facebook Fan Page Likes for $4.50/1000 – Instagram Followers for $0.78/1000 – Youtube Views: $1.62/1000 – Twitter followers: $2.10/1000 – Paypal Deposit – Bitcoin Deposit – Fast order processing – 1 Hour Delivery Our Website: https://smmsupreme.com/services
If you want the best cure for social anxiety and depression, then give Nardil a try.
Hey could you mind sharing which blog platform you're
using? I'm going to start my blog soon but I'm
possessing a hard time deciding between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal.
The key reason why I ask is really because your design and design seems
different then most blogs and I'm looking for something unique.
P.S Apologies for getting off-topic having said that i were required to ask!
Feel free to surf to my homepage; YangYPetrino
Keep on working, great job!
i have checked this site a few times now and i have to say that i find it quite exeptional actually. keep it up! http://www.piano.m106.com
Please let me know if you're looking for a writer for your weblog.
You have some really good posts and I believe I would be a good asset.
If you ever want to take some of the load off,
I'd absolutely love to write some articles for your blog in exchange for
a link back to mine. Please blast me an e-mail if interested.
My web-site :: planner inserts
Hi mates, its impressive piece of writing on the topic of tutoringand entirely explained, keep it up all the time.
4zygs b6o80 25bq
ce897 ncpyf 4k8e
It's my first time here.I found this post from google search.It's very useful and very informative for everyone Thanks for sharing this.Keep it up.เกมยิงปลา
Hello, where do you find such especially good info, I`ll post your blog page in my Twitter account
viagra triangle chicago viagra doses legal viagra
cialis us cialis without perscripiton cialis manufactured in canada
0xvjw katk5 pyr5
caroline wozniacki gifs
Good day! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO? I'm trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I'm not seeing very good gains. If you know of any please share. Thanks!
It's a pity you don't have a donate button! I'd without a doubt donate to this superb blog! I guess for now i'll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to fresh updates and will talk about this blog with my Facebook group. Chat soon!
difference between viagra and cialis http://viagraonlinejc.com/ instant natural viagra
Absolutely composed subject matter, appreciate it for information .
This is very interesting, You are a very skilled blogger. I have joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your fantastic post. Also, I have shared your web site in my social networks!
Great article and straight to the point. I am not sure if this is truly the best place to ask but do you folks have any ideea where to employ some professional writers? Thanks in advance 🙂
Undeniably believe that you stated. Your favorite justification appeared to
be on the web the easiest thing to be aware of.
I only say for you, I definitely get irked simultaneously as other people take into consideration concerns that they can just don't realize about.
You managed hitting the nail upon the very best plus outlined out the whole thing without the
need of side-effects , people could go on a signal.
Will likely be again to get additional. Thanks
My blog post; planner stickers
Hey, everybody! Check out the brand new CryptoTab browser! You just use it like a regular browser (watch Youtube, browse websites or social media networks, etc.) and earn income in BTC at the same time thanks to its built-in mining algorithm!
How to make bitcoin
http://bit.ly/3aUbuAU Create a PBN mesh from 2000 sites
If some one desires being updated with latest technologies
therefore he has to be visit this site and also be up-to-date all the time.
Take a look at my web site; notebook and pen
brimonidine tartrate 2% combigan bottle sizecombigan
buy avanafil usa buy avanafil canada
buy cyclomune online cyclosporine eye drops
tadalafil 40 mg for sale megalis 10 mg price in india
sildenafil soft tabs 100mg https://eunicesildenafilcitrate.com/ best sildenafil 50mg buy
Amazing! This blog looks exacftly like my old one! It's oon a entirely different
topic but it hhas pretty much the sam layout and design. Superb choice of colors!
erectile function restored after turp https://erectiledysfunctionpillscvs.com/ erectile solution ratings
It is a topic that is near to my heart... Take care!
Exactly where are the contact details though?
Feel free to visit my blog :: tapak mahawangsa
caverject injections https://alprostadildrugs.com/ alprostadil covered by blue cross
At this point there does not are just one solution to the problem of DWOCP (Driving While On Cell Phone) There
are many states which are trying to have laws that might ban the use of a hand-held
phone while driving. Search for reliable insurance firms online by dealing with numerous forums and reviews.
The strongest indicator for low customer happiness with auto insurance in British Columbia is clearly reflected in consumer feedback ratings.
Hello there! This post couldn't be written any better!
Going through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
He always kept preaching about this. I am going to forward
this information to him. Pretty sure he'll have a great read.
Many thanks for sharing!
tadalafil dosage https://elitadalafill.com/ what is tadalafil
vardenafil nortwest pharmacy https://vegavardenafil.com/ vardenafil 40 mg
is erectile dysfunction common in older men https://canadaerectiledysfunctionpills.com/ best erectile dysfunction medication
canadian pills online https://canadapillstorex.com/ canadian weight loss pills
viagra sin recetas en farmacias de canada https://canadaviagrastore.com/ viagra canada purchase
Simple facts for online startups and small businesses success are very easy to understand, but for many it is hard to do. Here are some of the facts for building your online startups and small businesses and the simple fundamentals to help you find the success online you are looking for.
Wonderful goods from you, man. I've understand your stuff previous to and you're just extremely magnificent.
I actually like what you have acquired here, certainly like
what you're saying and the way in which you say it.
You make it entertaining and you still take care of to keep it smart.
I cant wait to read far more from you. This is actually a tremendous website.
A great read. I'll definitely be back.
such a great information for blogger i am a professional blogger thanks
canadian pharmacy 5 mg daily cialis https://canadacialisstore.com/ cialis through canadian pharmacies