Would you ever swing?
September 15th, 2011
09:49 AM ET

Would you ever swing?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.

No, I’m not talking about ballroom dancing. This is a sex column, after all.

With buzz-terms like “monogamish” and “negotiated monogamy” making headlines, many couples are discovering that they have a shared appetite for sexual adventure, and that getting it on with another couple may be the golden ticket – not just to thrills, but also to staying together and surviving another day in the life of a relationship.

While the term “swinging” may be a throwback to the 70s and the days of Plato’s Retreat, more and more modern couples are hooking up with other couples, either informally or through networks or clubs.  And, of course, like all things online, the Internet has amplified these opportunities and made it easier to find couples and clubs in a neighborhood near you.

As with most sexual activities, there haven’t been many studies into the prevalence of swinging - and many people who do it don’t necessarily want to admit it - but some experts believe that there could be as many 15 million Americans swinging on a regular basis. Chances are you have a friend or neighbor who is swinging.

As I’ve written about previously in this column, I often run into two “sexual types” in my work as a sexuality counselor: “comfort creatures” and “thrill seekers.” The former takes a “less is more” approach to sexual novelty, while the latter often have a “more, more, more” attitude.  Usually this dichotomy isn’t an issue when two people find themselves at the same end the spectrum.

For two comfort creatures, for example, swinging isn’t probably high up on their sexual bucket list, although it might well be a fantasy.  Exhibitionism, voyeurism, watching a partner have sex with someone else - these are very common fantasies, and, in many cases, sharing a fantasy can lead to an actual exploration of fantasy, especially when one partner is hankering for a bit more sexual adventure.

“My husband and I had some confusion that we had to get straightened out,” a client whom I’ll call Kelly told me. “I feel very comfortable in our relationship, and I have a vivid fantasy life.  I think of myself as a very sexual person. But when I mentioned my fantasy of watching him get it on with another woman, he wanted to make it a reality. At least he thought he did. We perused some sites, which was fun, but in the end, neither of us decided to pursue it. It just looked too sleazy. Luckily, the subject was dropped.”

But for couples with a genuine appetite (and stomach) for sexual novelty, swinging might not be a big deal and might even be a counterintuitive way of strengthening their sense of fidelity and identity as a couple.  It’s monogamy on shared terms. In fact, many couples who swing together paradoxically have even stronger sexual boundaries than couples who do not.

But swinging can backfire, too.  I worked with one couple who liked to swing on a regular basis, but the reason they ended up in my office was because she had major problems with all of the stuff he kept to himself: flirty friendships, porn usage, his enjoyment of strippers.  She had no problem with swinging, but in every other way she demanded more exclusivity from the relationship than many far less sexually adventurous women would require.  From her perspective, swinging was just another way of sharing everything, including sex.

And for many couples, swinging is by no means a replacement for sex; it’s an augmentation, and very different than actual lovemaking with their partner.  Many couples use occasional swinging as an opportunity to jumpstart their sex life and break out of a rut. “Swinging strengthens us,” says Jenny, a mother of two.  “It’s something we do once or twice a year.  We enjoy the scoping out of another couple, the flirtation, the sex, but also the way we talk about it for weeks after and incorporate into our fantasy life.  We love having a secret life together – a whole different community than the ones we see at PTA meetings – although we’re just waiting for those worlds to collide.”

But swinging certainly doesn’t work for everyone, especially couples in which one partner is going along for the ride with another partner, like when a true comfort creature is paired with a thrill seeker.  Then it becomes a form of sexual pressure, and can lead to disastrous results.

And sometimes we think we know what we want, but the process of discovery has unintended results.  Ken, who had to convince his wife to give swinging a go, said, “I was prepared for everything, except seeing my wife kiss another man - out of the whole experience that’s the image I can’t get out of my head: her kissing another man.  The moral of the lesson for me: Swinging is something a couple should work towards in their relationship, not begin with.”

Ken’s wife wanted to give it another whirl, this time with the rule of no kissing.  Meanwhile, Ken wanted to drop the whole thing.

Monogamy: what a concept.

soundoff (1,610 Responses)
  1. Queen Lattice

    swinging is fun, as long as your spouse doesn't find out!

    September 16, 2011 at 10:24 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Swingin' couple

      That's called cheating. BIG difference.

      September 16, 2011 at 10:35 | Report abuse |
    • Kman

      HUGE difference.

      September 16, 2011 at 10:40 | Report abuse |
    • Jesus

      My marriage is based on "don't ask, don't tell". I think many others have that unspoken understanding. The problem with swinging is that you're privvy to what is going down (so to speak) with your partner. Most folks would rather not know.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:40 | Report abuse |
    • Polythene_Pam

      "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"? What a sad, dishonest way to live your life. If I'm ever doing something that I'm ashamed to be doing, that I feel I need to keep secret from someone that I respect, I usually take that as an indication that I should not be doing that thing.

      September 19, 2011 at 14:08 | Report abuse |
  2. 2nd happy couple

    Wow !
    I've seen so much BS written thus far! I totally agree with the fact that so many that have responded dont know what the HELL they are talking about! I just love how so many here are trying to tell us what love is, what commitment is, etc...those are YOUR standards and YOUR views! If they work for you and your S.O. great!, But there are THOUSANDS of us that know what work for us as well!...and believe me, as someone stated before....we are EVERYWHERE!...we are Dr.s, cops, politicians,lawyers,judges,tv and news personalities, and indian chiefs!...we are your neighbors, parents,soccer moms and dads as well! YOU WILL JUST NEVER KNOW IT....get used to it!...We have seen the community grow tremendously in the last 12 years!! I just dont understand why it can bother some so much if it is not IMPACTING YOU!....Maybe its yhe curiosity that is secretly killing you so much....." I bet those hot looking couples are having all kinds of nasty twisted s3x!"........."come on martha, get your old dusty ass up here to bed, and assume the missionary"!.....LOL!

    September 16, 2011 at 10:48 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Heather

      Gosh! Thanks for straightening us out! For a minute we forgot that only you know what it's all about!

      September 16, 2011 at 13:46 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      @Heather...........Again Heather.....if its not for you and yours....great!.....DONT WORRY ABOUT THOSE OF US THAT DO! Got it?

      September 16, 2011 at 14:27 | Report abuse |
    • The Tao of Pigs

      Kant's Catergorical Imperative is informative here. In a nutshell, he reasoned that ethical decisions should be based (in part) on one projecting their private moral decisions as a universal standard of behavior. Is lying ok? No, because if everybody indulged in lying, society as we know it would crumble into chaos. Contracts would be useless, trust would be impossible even in the most mundane areas of community life. Promiscuity, as a universal standard of behavior, is fraught with physically and emotionally devastating community consequences and is therefore an unreasonable ethical / moral choice for all. No matter how much lipstick you attempt to put on the gluttonous pair of pigs that you are as a swinging couple - at the end of the day your lifestyle is as morally diseased as the HPV that you likely have already contracted and are actively spreading to your wife's cervix.

      September 16, 2011 at 15:52 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      Ahhh Tao....and thats where your data is flawed.....no one involved that we know of is trying to" project our private moral decisions" on anyone else, let alone trying to propagate it as standard behavior.....All of the the participants we know of are consenting, willing, and PRIVATE individuals.....I have said over and over...its not for everyone, and if its not for you and yours, thats great! No one that I know of involved in this" community" , that is serious about our privacy , is going to go and divulge their participation to some closeminded, judgemental vanilla pinhead! I personally think that what REALLY bothers some of you is the fact that we EXIST, the fact that we are everywhere, the fact that we are just like YOU in every regard of profession, location, socio economic level, education, parenting etc., and you dont know who we are! And you know what?....you dont have a need to know!...It does NOT affect or impact your life!......just move on!

      September 16, 2011 at 16:46 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      Oh....and Tao........if you are male and you have an SO....and you THINK that you may not be speading HPV to her (or him).....think again.......because I'm sure you've been tested for HPV.....oh wait thats right...THERE IS NO MALE TEST FOR HPV!!

      September 16, 2011 at 16:51 | Report abuse |
    • Tao of Pigs

      Yes, oh wise one, I can see how your, "there's not a test for male HPV" supports your pro $winging lifestyle argument. Add to that the obvious fact that males can't develop cervical cancer from HPV and you have an overwhelming argument, from a heartless and selfish male perspective, in support of swinging. My purpose isn't to convince you of anything - only to get the word out to women to look out for their own health and longevity because their loving SO might have other priorities - like an endless pursuit of short lived pleasure seeking at her well being's expense. You really are a pig.

      September 16, 2011 at 17:45 | Report abuse |
    • whatever

      Your anger tells me your feeling ashamed or guilty. what do you care what other people think. and is attacking them makes you no differant.

      September 16, 2011 at 18:31 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      Now Now Tao Tao......There you go spouting off again about things you OBVIOUSLY have no clue about.....Warn women? What do you not understand about consenting? BOTH of us as well as THOUSANDS of OTHER MALE/FEMALE Couples engage in this!.....I know thats a hrd concept to grasp for limited mental capacities....but give it a shot...k?
      The smartest thing you stated was that you are not trying tro convince anyone of anything......GOOD....because the effort would have been futile.....You "trying to get the word out" is also futile...they are adults, capable of making their own decisions, and have done their due dilligence on the matter......now I say again......This issue sounds like it DOES NOT CONCERN YOU....YOU HAVE NO INTEREST....AND WILL NEVER BE A PART OF IT....so....DONT WORRY ABOUT IT!...We will continue to remain private.....you will continue not to know who we are (hint: we're all around you), and we will continue to live our happy existence.......you should tend to yours and try to find a bit of happiness.....clear enough?

      September 16, 2011 at 18:33 | Report abuse |
    • Tao of Pigs

      In summary:

      $winging is a safe (yet deliciously exciting) and practical lifestyle choice because HPV is a raging global epidemic and there's currently no HPV test for men. Don't think about it, ignornance is indeed bliss and $winging is just too exciting a novelty to sacrifice in your life.

      What could be more exciting for women than playing Russian Roulette during a global HPV epidemic than having multiple male $ex partners who could be, or may not be (nobody knows), infected with HPV? What a rush!

      The fact that HPV is a leading cause of cervical cancer is no big deal. Why? Because, silly, men don't have a cervix!

      Finally, it's none of your business that HPV is the fastest growing STD epidemic, nor does it matter that c0nd0ms don't cover the base of the male organ enough to protect the area where HPV genit@l warts thrive - therefore, promiscuity, which is the sole reason that HPV is spreading like wildfire today, is not an issue of public health, safety, or concern (unless you know or have ever known, or may in the future know, a women you truly love and care about - otherwise, just walk along, there's nothing to see or fear here.

      Most importantly, it's critical that women remain ignorant of the very real, life threatening danger they are exposed to in a $winging lifestyle (if they knew the true risk, it would destroy any chance of males spreading HPV like Johnny Appleseed unchecked at their local Lifestyle Club. Mums the word!)

      September 16, 2011 at 18:37 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      @ whatever.... I am hardly angry....and as stated...we dont care what other people think about the lifestyle...we most certainly wont change a thing...however...when someone enters a public forum, and starts spouting and blathering grossly erroneous info about something that I am a part of....well then you've just asked for corrective action....thats all ! 🙂

      September 16, 2011 at 18:38 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      Sigh!..........apparently you dont seem to think that some of us could be medical professionals, and have fully vetted the risk involved.......no one on this end is "ignorant"..(But there sure is a lot of bliss)....as I've stated before.....you should try to find a little in your own life......and stop trying to educate the educated.. the "facts and figures" you cite are well known to this community.......yet we still indulge.....imagine that...adults doing what we want to do!
      ....Tao...I'm done with you.....you dont get it and never will....for your sake......find a little happiness in your life.....Ciao!

      September 16, 2011 at 18:52 | Report abuse |
    • Tao of Pigs

      Hey 2nd HPV Couple, shouldn't you wild and crazy mid-life crisis $wingers be snorting coke and rubbing genit@l warts with your neighbors by now? Honestly, I'm dissappointed that you would spend so much time posting on CNN as opposed to cleaning yourself up with Wet Wipes preparing for your next round of virus spreading fun. Epic fail.

      I work for the CDC as a cellular biologist intern assigned to HPV research. What is your excuse?

      September 16, 2011 at 19:07 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      Sure you areTao.....and I'm a research biologist with the NCI....you've watched one too many episodes of swingtown.....seriously ....move on with your life......we certainly will!....

      For real this time..... Ciao Tao!

      September 16, 2011 at 19:23 | Report abuse |
    • Piglett

      What is truly amazing about old 2nd Hand Wife here is his audacity to assume that those who object to unsafe $x practices and condone committed relationships are somehow sticks in the mud and deprived of true pleasure in life. Here's a guy frothing at the mouth about how closed minded non-$wingers are and yet he obviously is completely oblivious to the beauty, unbridled passion, and profound love and pleasure found between two people madly in love with each other. While true love is rare, it's certainly the apex of pleasure available in life - unlike the souless and mindless swapping of spit with strangers for kicks and grins.

      September 16, 2011 at 19:40 | Report abuse |
    • OK Enough!

      2nd-I couldn't care less about whatever turns you on, but I can tell you that you are the most pompous-sounding, bloviating sack of dung I've heard in a while. My God, you love yourself, don't you? Can you possibly make a point without sounding like a know-it-all? Get off your high horse and quit making it sound like you belong to some exclusive club that no one else understands. You live an exciting alternative lifestyle and the rest of the citizens just don't get it. You're everywhere! You might be my doctor! You might be my teacher! You might be a congress man! You might be a redneck! Whoop de do. Get over yourself.

      September 16, 2011 at 19:41 | Report abuse |
    • What??

      Tao, is it possible for a husband to give HPV to his new wife due to the fact there is no test for it. He got it from his previous long term partner. No swinging involved. Therefore if you are trying to point out that swinging is bad, maybe it's just the act of copulating that your trying to blame. As I see it, you stop having relations and the rest of us will continue our daily naughty activities and enjoy it 🙂

      September 16, 2011 at 19:50 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      Thanks for playing everyone!.......Ya'll have a good weekend ya hear!...........and just remember old bloviator told you first....we're everywhere! LOL!...........Ciao!

      September 16, 2011 at 20:15 | Report abuse |
    • JeramieH

      Um... condoms?

      There, now I invalidated this entire argument.

      September 16, 2011 at 22:20 | Report abuse |
    • Sam

      The fact that it's hidden is testament to how SICKENING and immoral this is. What a moral gutter.

      September 17, 2011 at 22:13 | Report abuse |
    • Voodoo Idol

      The reason so many people are bothered by it is because they are jealous and not comfortable enough with themselves to live out their own fantasies.

      September 19, 2011 at 06:26 | Report abuse |
    • on fire

      lol i love ur respond!!!

      September 19, 2011 at 12:59 | Report abuse |
    • how annoying...

      You don't know what the crap you are talking about. There is no defintion of a relationship. Another uptight religious idiot who thinks they know everything, when in truth they are just as ignorant as what they claim other people are. Clearly the mirror is needed for this point in time.

      September 19, 2011 at 14:57 | Report abuse |
  3. Karen

    Thou shalt not commit adultery...except for when your husband or wife says its okay? Seriously, who are we kidding here. Adultery is never okay. End of story. And if anyone wants to chime in and give your wise conusil as to how God is not real, well that's okay because there is no help for you anyhow. For without God you are like a dead man walking.

    September 16, 2011 at 10:48 | Report abuse | Reply
    • MarkinFL

      Wow, are you trying to corner the market on judgement or what? You must be a real barrel of laughs. I'm totally monogamous, but if I had somehow gotten married to you I think I'd be trying that one-sided swinging concept mentioned just above.

      September 16, 2011 at 11:21 | Report abuse |
    • duh

      uuhhhh... that means I'm a....... ZOMBIE!!!!!!

      September 16, 2011 at 12:04 | Report abuse |
    • Tripp

      What god? There is no proof of god, no god walking, nothing...It's all in your mind. Simple mind I might add. As an Atheist I do not wish to "swing", but there might be other people who do. As far as "god" goes, it is so passe'.

      September 16, 2011 at 12:59 | Report abuse |
    • Tripp

      Oh, let me fix that for you.

      "For with God you are like a dead man walking".

      Wishing for the end times and death is no way to live Karen. Life is what YOU make it, not what some imaginary freind has in store for you.

      September 16, 2011 at 13:02 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Durden

      How can it be adultery when your spouse is in the room?

      September 16, 2011 at 13:48 | Report abuse |
    • Jesus

      That's bronze age thinking. Women were chattel back then...possessions, not human beings. Things have changed since your novel called "the Bible' by Constantine was put together in 330AD or so

      September 16, 2011 at 14:43 | Report abuse |
    • Joe

      Ha Ha, i swear almost every article on CNN has at least one Bible thumper!

      September 16, 2011 at 16:15 | Report abuse |

      Karen has got it right.

      Do not listen to what the sinners here on SIN.COM says.

      September 16, 2011 at 16:24 | Report abuse |
    • STLBroker

      Amen Karen!

      Jesus said that if we even look at another person fantasize about them, that we have committed adultery in our heart. So, you can say swinging is not cheating but you can't say it isn't adultery. If you are okay taking your chances that you won't burn in Hell for it so be it. But Karen was kind enough and wise enough to warn you, so it won't be on her if you do.

      Nice of you to try Karen. Keep up the good work sister!

      September 16, 2011 at 16:43 | Report abuse |
    • josh

      stl broker----what kind of a god would have someone burn in a place called hell? Not a very loving god. what kind of a god would let a place called hell even exist? A demented god. According to Christians god sounds like a real jerk...just saying!

      September 16, 2011 at 20:57 | Report abuse |
    • Phil


      Karen...before you start your rant about god, please provide proof that god is real. Don't be like the rest of the religious nut jobs that just say "the bible says so". Provide proof. Physical evidence. The kind of proof that science can't debunk and MAYBE people just might start believing in the possibility.

      It shall be your quest in life. In the mean time, it will keep you busy long enough to get out of our way and in the end we'll check back only to find that you've found nothing.

      September 19, 2011 at 03:39 | Report abuse |
    • Newo

      ...and just how many wives did King man-after-God's-own-heart David have? Or for that matter, his son, King Solomon? Hush now, leave the Bible quoting alone. I'm not a swinger, or a saint, but I really don't see how it's your job to tell others how to live their lives...I think that's God's.

      September 19, 2011 at 18:45 | Report abuse |
    • DeeCee

      It's not adultery if it's consensual! There is no lying, no cheating. Ergo, it's not adultery. And there is ample evidence of it elsewhere in nature. So, as you appear to be religiously-prejuidiced, I will point out that God evidently made it this way.

      October 1, 2011 at 10:32 | Report abuse |
  4. free thinker

    first of all, what "God" is real? there are so many out there and each one different, with different agendas.
    so many who are bound by religion and all of it's accompanying smoke screens and illusion, are like robots who have been programmed to think and feel and respond from a very narrow perspective.
    religion was invented to appease and to CONTROL.
    as long as one strives to cultivate compassion, humility, compassion and valor in their lives, it doesn't matter how you arrange your life. these rules about gender and monogamy and salvation, yadda yadda, yaddao. . . . . it's all white noise designed to distract and control the masses.

    September 16, 2011 at 11:01 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Your Name Here

      Well put there Karl Marx.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
    • Tripp

      KArl Marx was not the only one to think that. You dont have to be a communist to be a free thinker and NOT beleive in an imaginary sky-jockey.

      September 16, 2011 at 15:55 | Report abuse |
    • Phil

      @ your name here

      Religion is just as bad as communism. It oppresses people and their thoughts. It prevents people from thinking for themselves.

      It makes them sheep.

      September 19, 2011 at 03:42 | Report abuse |
  5. paulronco

    "But when I mentioned my fantasy of watching him get it on with another woman, he wanted to make it a reality."

    Umm, duh?

    September 16, 2011 at 11:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • MarkinFL

      Yeah, you think that was just a little bit predictable? 🙂

      September 16, 2011 at 11:37 | Report abuse |
  6. Logic

    With the access to information these days, anyone who rolls the dice with multiple partners has got to be insane. True you could contract a STD from one encounter, but you are only risking inevitable infection by increasing your odds by swinging. I have nothing against the psychological damage you might be inflicting on yourself (not my cup of tea), or your spouse, but the risk of a life-changing disease should put any educated person off this lifestyle.

    September 16, 2011 at 11:32 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Daved

      @"Logic', perfectly said. These folks are living a time-bomb and an ignorant life in thinking they have everything in control. As one guy said, he got herpes. Any one that believes that the other person is clean is delusional. Every one lies and that next romp you have could be the one that kills you. Go to you tube and listen to ex-p00rn stars discuss what diseases and virus are out there. There are some that I have never even heard of and women get damaged more than men. With multiple partners, women are ten times more likely to get cervical cancer and a host of other damaging issues.

      Men will be responsible before God for what happens to their wives. God demands that we take care of our wives and love them and honor them. Allowing them to swing is a dishonor toward God and Women.

      September 16, 2011 at 11:46 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      Mmm....so now we are talking risk?.....why yes....there is risk involved......I drive a car as well....risk,,,,,,,I drive a motorcycle...risk.....I have friends that skydive....risk......I have friends that ocean dive....risk......we swing....risk..... with the exception of driving a car ( to get to work make a living, usher the kids....yada yada)....which of those things are a necessiity?...None of them......why do we do them?.....because we find them rewarding!.....On the educated comment....did you not read the professions, and persona's that I stated were involved?? Generally when meeting a new couple, long sessions (sometimes weeks or more) of engaging, intellectual dialog takes place...................................before we consume each other! LOL!

      September 16, 2011 at 11:57 | Report abuse |
    • I know what God is thinking right now

      Daved, enough already with the "God demands" this and "God demands" that. As if you have any earthly idea (pun intended) what God wants. That's the height of conceit, although that tone is very popular with evangelicals. If God exists, and he's certainly never answered any of my emails, I doubt you have any idea what his plans are for the next 6 months.

      September 16, 2011 at 12:24 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Durden

      @ Daved: "Allowing" them to swing. Nice choice of words, it conveys so much about your "relationship" with your "wife."

      September 16, 2011 at 13:51 | Report abuse |
    • Joe

      New invention called CONDOMS!

      September 16, 2011 at 16:18 | Report abuse |

      Tyler Durden:
      Who are you to speak about anything Tyler?

      Your wife is a swinging whöre, is she not?

      September 16, 2011 at 17:14 | Report abuse |
    • JeramieH



      September 16, 2011 at 22:22 | Report abuse |
    • Daved

      @"I know what God is thinking right now"; My knowledge is based on biblical reading and studying. Just as a doctor gets his knowledge from school and training, i study the bible. It's rather simple to understand this really were it not for you being so ignorant and self-absorbed. If you want to learn anything, you need to study it. Try it sometime. I would much rather learn my lifestyle lesson from the bible than from you or 2nd.

      September 18, 2011 at 20:13 | Report abuse |
  7. razer

    People are way to concerned with their crotches and talking about their crotches or other peoples crotches. I guess I'm a crotchety old guy.

    September 16, 2011 at 11:44 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Daved

      My ex is French and she said the same thing. She told me that American's are way too obessessed with s3x in this country. She would hear the women that she worked with every day while here in Michigan and all they ever talked about was s3x and they would dress like bar wh0res at work. I told her, that is why I am dating you. I am tired of it all. One of the reasons we split is because she couldn't stand living here with all the over-emphasizing of s3x and these women would constantly try to get her to date other men. American women ruined my relationship with her. They have no respect toward other women nor toward anyone's relationship.

      September 16, 2011 at 11:50 | Report abuse |
    • Johnny

      @Daved: So why didn't you go to France with her? You might have found that you liked it there.

      September 16, 2011 at 12:16 | Report abuse |
  8. SeaMore

    I've been married 14 years. My wife and myself swung for years before deciding to quit and have kids. If you and your partner FOLLOW THE RULES that you and your partner agree on...I gotta tell ya....It is the MOST FUN you will ever have. Or marriage NEVER suffered for it...in fact, It made our s@x lofe better. Be safe, always use protection....now get out there and LIVE THE FANTASY.

    September 16, 2011 at 12:30 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Joe here in Colorado

      Why is it the "MOST FUN" we'll ever have? I got adventurous s^x mostly out of my system in high school and college. After a while, there's really nothing left to try and you see the beauty of the relationship you already have.

      September 16, 2011 at 13:43 | Report abuse |
    • flip

      to each their own i guess. laying in bed with the woman i love knowing that another man was just inside of her and me in another woman would probably put me in the mental ward. I would say this would not be a marriage in the sense of what a marriage is. And ive met a LOT of people who have swung and not seen a single one where there hasnt been some collateral damage. thats my experience.

      September 16, 2011 at 13:45 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      @Flip...you know Flip....We know a LOTof married couples that dont swing and have seen HORRIFIC amounts of LYING, CHEATING, INDESCRECTION as well as VILE and ABUSIVE behavior.... imagine that! Of course thats our experience...

      September 16, 2011 at 14:05 | Report abuse |
    • flip

      2nd happy. sooo. who said lack of swinging causes a perfect marriage? talk about missing the point

      September 16, 2011 at 14:38 | Report abuse |
    • Happy Wife

      @ Joe in Colorado.... there's ALWAYS something new to try..... 😉

      September 16, 2011 at 14:54 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      @Joe....First.....that word perfect...I rarely use it because few things in life are....I most certainly didn't use it in my post...Secondly, I stated it that way because YOU seemed to imply that a swinging marriage WAS detrimental in some way....oh...in YOUR experience of course....... now about that missed point Joe....

      September 16, 2011 at 14:58 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      My apologies to Joe.....last comments were directed at "Flip"

      September 16, 2011 at 15:45 | Report abuse |
    • Whaaaa

      So the most fun you've ever had in your marriage is when you and your wife slept around with a bunch of other people? I'm sure your wife'll enjoy hearing that. Why did you even get married?

      September 19, 2011 at 18:10 | Report abuse |
  9. Rob

    Oh this time there's no kissing, but sure slide your member into me that's ok. No wonder our society is in the shape it is. No morals left.

    September 16, 2011 at 13:30 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Tyler Durden

      Right, that's the reason. No morals.

      It has nothing to do with over-intrusive and religiously-controlled governments and judgmental societal members who are convinced their way of life is the only way of life and everything not them is wrong. Like I don't know . . . judgmental religious zealots so bored with their own lives they can't stand the need they have to live vicariously through everyone else and then hypocritically judge those other people.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:52 | Report abuse |
  10. Liz

    Nope, not for me or my husand. If he wants that, then he has the wrong wife. We both have lots of family, extended relatives, friends, co-workers, neighbors, kids, church and school acquaintances, mentors, and on and on. We share lots of time and parts of our lives with them. But the unique thing we share with only each other is our personal and intimate relationship. We want that part of each other that isn't shared with anyone else. There are countless other kinds of relationships out there. But we keep our private lives private. If that changes, I'm so gone. And cheating, well that's just classless and tasteless. IMO, folks.

    September 16, 2011 at 13:37 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Rob

      Amen Liz, I've been married 26 years, I have 4 children, 3 grandchildren and value my wife and our love way to much. My wife is the only person I have ever been with, and the only person I ever want to be with.

      September 16, 2011 at 13:48 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      @Liz...Thats great for you and your spouse....and we also share a lot of the great qualities you mentioned....as well as keeping our "private lives private"!.....My only rantings are against those that THINK they know what transpires, and go on to spout alot of BS and misconceptions about it, as well as those that vehemently attack others for doing what makes us happy....again I ask...if it has NOTHING to do with you and it doesn't IMPACT you, why the vitriol? Opinions are great and welcomed....but the ones that seem to attack the most are the ones carrying the bibles and trying to jam their religious rhetoric down your throat!

      September 16, 2011 at 13:54 | Report abuse |
  11. Joe here in Colorado

    I'm not religious, first of all, but I will say that this seems like a very bad idea. S^x isn't such a huge need in my life that I need to go sleeping around with other people; I guess I'm very very monogamous.

    September 16, 2011 at 13:41 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jesus

      That statement you made about s3x not being "a huge thing in (your) life" sums it up. Maybe it's a huge thing in your wife's life? Couples don't often share the same drive and many partners put on 50-80 lbs. after the marriage and are very unappealing. Wandering off the ranch is not only a viable option, but a necessity for many.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:48 | Report abuse |
  12. Tyler Durden

    I find it very odd how many obviously highly-judgmental people read this article. I smell a lot of hypocrites in this crowd. It is very clear, very early on, what this article is about. So if it isn't your thing, why continue to read the article and take the time to post a comment just to judge someone else's lifestyle?

    September 16, 2011 at 13:45 | Report abuse | Reply
    • flip

      because if there were no opposing views it wouldnt be a conversation. the comments section would just be an amendment to the article.

      September 16, 2011 at 13:59 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Durden

      I understand the dynamic of conversation, but I don't understand reading an article and then judging everything about the article. Is there nothing else out there to read? I am not a white supremacist, nor am I a hard-core religious zealot, so guess what? I don't go to those sites to read about those things.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:48 | Report abuse |
    • flip

      tyler. you do read articles about hate crimes right? theyre ALL over CNN site. as well as articles about faith whcih are ALL over the site you are on RIGHT NOW. people like you throw out these polar extremes to make a point when its not necessary. This article is not on a swinging site.

      September 16, 2011 at 15:09 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Durden

      Polar extremes? Yes, I read those articles. I fail to see your point. What does your response have to do with what I wrote? "People like me," huh?

      September 16, 2011 at 15:52 | Report abuse |
    • flip

      tyler.. you said "I am not a white supremacist, nor am I a hard-core religious zealot, so guess what? I don't go to those sites to read about those things".. so ill explain it. you implied people commenting on swinging, that are against it, shouldnt be here. just like you arent a white supremecist, so you dont go to the site. You are implying this is a swinging site and its not. i cannot explain it any better than that. so yes, you took it to the polar extreme. and yes, people like "you" do that when trying to make a point. dont try to double track me on the semantics. im not here to war with you

      September 16, 2011 at 18:31 | Report abuse |
  13. Lairbear

    Nothing like having the big H for the past 25+ years, without relationships/intimacy the moment I make a remark about it to someone who is interested in me.
    This is the result of my so called wild times in my 30's-40's in regards to the issue "like taking a shower with a raincoat on."
    Please folks, don't be stupid like I was and take any chances, especially if you are committed and in a marriage.
    Getting older and still no commitments.

    September 16, 2011 at 13:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Tyler Durden

      So because you messed up the lifestyle isn't for everyone? That doesn't make any sense at all. Don't blame swinging for you getting herps, it's your fault.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:43 | Report abuse |
  14. notforme

    Your kidding me? I'm married to an italian chick, if I ever even brought it up as an idea, I would be the laughing stock of her family for the rest of my life. If I ever cheated on her, I'd be hanging off a bridge somewhere. I'll pass.

    September 16, 2011 at 14:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • 2nd happy couple

      And you know what?......if you cheated on her....you SHOULD be found hanging from a bridge somewhere!

      September 16, 2011 at 14:44 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Durden

      I'm married to an "[I]talian chick" as well. Not only did I bring up the idea, we both indulge. What does her ethnicity have to do with anything?

      September 16, 2011 at 14:45 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Durden

      @ 2nd & not: Again, swinging is not cheating.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:46 | Report abuse |
    • Jesus

      I had married an Italian woman and as our marriage went downhill, I went elsewhere for pleasure. No hanging, no familial abuse, just the usual parting of the ways. Methinks you watched "The Godfather" too many times.

      September 16, 2011 at 14:50 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      @ TD ...Oh I absolutely agree...they have NOTHING to do with each other.....I am amused that several here keep making that correlation.....

      September 16, 2011 at 14:52 | Report abuse |
    • Tyler Durden

      @ 2d: And they will continue to do so as long as they can use it to justify their twisted and judgmental beliefs.

      September 16, 2011 at 15:54 | Report abuse |

      @ Tyler Durden, if your wife participates in swinging then your wife is a whøre.

      Tough luck buddy. Unlucky you.

      September 16, 2011 at 16:49 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      @ Gabriel......oh yeah Gabriel....show im how REAL BIBLE THUMPIN CHRISTIANS ROLL!.......His wife is a wh*re eh?...where did you learn that?...your mom?....did she spell it for you?...or did she SHOW YOU?

      September 16, 2011 at 16:56 | Report abuse |

      @ 2 happy couple:

      I learned that Tyler wife is a whöre from Tyler.

      September 16, 2011 at 17:36 | Report abuse |
    • how annoying...

      @2nd: Retard. Please shut your face. I think you should go back to your bunker you worthless religious moron. There is no god so shut your face. I laugh at how much time you waste praying to your imaginary friends. As for swinging it is not cheating. Who invited these religi-morons to this discussion? I know I didn't

      September 19, 2011 at 15:01 | Report abuse |
    • PZ

      @how... 2nd IS a swinger brainiac. Agree on the rest, but simmer down on the hostility! 😉

      October 14, 2011 at 17:58 | Report abuse |
  15. woodie

    Reminds me of that old joke: "Take my wife....please". I'm thinking some people never got the joke.

    September 16, 2011 at 15:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. cher

    well, serial killers can be classified as "thrill seekers" too... doesn't mean it's right. when you swing you open yourself up to a ton of problems that aren't necessary, and might not even have to do with your personal relationship. it's selfish overindulgence.

    September 16, 2011 at 15:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Tyler Durden

      Can you even breathe being on a judgmental pedestal that high?

      September 16, 2011 at 16:19 | Report abuse |
  17. 2nd happy couple

    @ Cher......Apples and Oranges Cher!......You really are going to type and stick by your comment with a straight face? You are comparing killing other human beings for the fun of it, to something that a commited married couple may enjoy together, that is absent of any victims,lawlessness, bloodshed, violence, lying , cheating or deception.....
    When you say "right"....in what capacity?...Lawful?....mmm no laws broken.....victims?....mmm no victims.... help me out here...I'm struggling......OR did you mean right to YOU? or right for YOU? Selfish overindulgence?....Selfish to whom? overindulgence? as opposed to underindulgence?...just who determines the right amount of "indulgence" for us?......oh yeah...I remember now....WE DO!!

    September 16, 2011 at 16:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • STLBroker

      The victim is you. Sad that you don't know it. Jesus will forgive you if you ask him.

      September 16, 2011 at 17:15 | Report abuse |
    • JeramieH

      How about Zeus?

      September 17, 2011 at 01:22 | Report abuse |
    • PZ

      Pretty sure ol' Hey-soos and Mary M did some swingin' of their own in their day, I'm sure he'd be fine with it.

      October 14, 2011 at 18:02 | Report abuse |
  18. Barry G.

    Would I degrade myself in debauchery, thereby harming my relationship with my God and others, as well as causing psychological injury to myself–absolutely not.

    We did, however, have a swing-set in my backyard when I was young, and I enjoyed swinging on it. I also enjoyed swinging in a porch swing, from time to time. It was so peaceful.

    I still enjoy this peace of mind. There is nothing like it, and I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.

    September 16, 2011 at 17:53 | Report abuse | Reply

      @ Barry G. 🙂

      September 16, 2011 at 18:00 | Report abuse |
  19. Cali

    Take it from someone with experience. Swinging is an extremely risky behavior. If you value your mate and wish to keep him/her for the long term I would suggest you leave swinging to your fantasies. This article is an oversimplification of just about everything.

    September 16, 2011 at 18:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. Arizona

    Flexing those internet muscles while shaking those bibles must be exhausting. I'm guessing our fellow lifestylers don't want these evangelicals to try out our chosen activity (though we believe that those who protest the loudest are those who are fooling around on their spouses on the side). When we imagine them sitting at their computers, spittle flying onto their screens, well, those aren't the kind of folks we'd really be attracted to for play.

    Morality is hard and sanctimoniousness is easy. Morality means being hard on yourself while sanctimoniousness means being easy on yourself but hard on others. Put another way morals are personal, while ethics are communal. If no one is being forced into this lifestyle, then nothing unethical is happening. Nothing about swinging goes against our own personal morals...and that drives some people crazy.

    Our moral code includes not pushing something onto someone when they are uncomfortable with it...like pushing the lifestyle or pushing religious beliefs.

    Commence spittle-fueled flaming...

    September 16, 2011 at 18:24 | Report abuse | Reply

      Listen dude, if your wife is a whöre who likes to go swinging, then keep that your propblem.

      Do not try to "normalize" your perversions or sugar them up, by using words like "lifestyle" and "play".

      Children play. You fornicate.
      And if your wife does to, then she is nothing but a common whøre.

      What provokes is not what you or your btch does.

      What provokes is your attempt to gain public approval of your sinning.

      That you parade your sin like Sodom instead of throwing yourself to floor begging The Lords forgiveness for your sins, that is what provokes.

      September 16, 2011 at 18:52 | Report abuse |
    • 2nd happy couple

      No Flaming here Arizona!...you are dead on.....they just cant wrap that tiny little grey matter around that concept of our choices are ours....and NOT YOURS!.......They no likey that!

      September 16, 2011 at 18:55 | Report abuse |
    • Arizona

      @Gabriel...have an awesome weekend, dude. Thanks for the chuckles.

      September 16, 2011 at 19:29 | Report abuse |

      A friend of mine, once walked in on his mother, while she was being banged by the neighbour on the family dinner table.

      He later hung himself.


      September 16, 2011 at 19:45 | Report abuse |
    • JeramieH

      Sounds like your friend's problem, not ours.

      September 17, 2011 at 01:24 | Report abuse |
    • Daved

      @GABRIEL, oh that was beautiful! Just beautiful. But you realize that they won't listen but only show scorn because these types do not like the truth. It only angers them.

      September 18, 2011 at 20:17 | Report abuse |
    • PZ

      It's really funny how people here talk in a way they never would if they were face-to-face with someone. Highly unlikely Gabe is man enough to say such things to anyone in person. Lighten up on the judging, if you're boy in the sky is real, I'm sure it'll take care of itself.

      October 14, 2011 at 18:11 | Report abuse |
  21. Lairbear

    Tyler Durden,

    I bet you feel as if your on a pedestal not having the herps to deal with, am I correct?
    Oh, and if and when by chance, not that I would wish such a thing to happen to anyone, you came down with herps, then it would be your fault, correct?

    September 16, 2011 at 18:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Mason

    It's fine...As long as you're white trash.

    September 16, 2011 at 18:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Aaron L.

    why get married if you want to "swing" seems stupid.

    September 16, 2011 at 19:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. glibertarian

    Agree that the God/Church arguments are mostly nonsense, but also agree that two people who truly care about and love each other shouldn't have to swing.

    September 16, 2011 at 22:22 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Cognitive Dissonance

      Almost all do love each other very strongly and not feel they have to, they just desire to fulfill out a few fantasies. Rarely do people get into the Lifestyle/Swinging with any issues because those few with issues are the one's you hear about having failed marriages.

      September 17, 2011 at 03:20 | Report abuse |
    • nwatcher

      wait just a minute there. Your next statement after God/Church is comes directly out of Ephesians ...In the Bible...hello

      September 18, 2011 at 18:18 | Report abuse |
    • Dissonance Reduction

      This whole comment section is full of Dissonance Reduction

      April 12, 2012 at 08:16 | Report abuse |
  25. JeramieH

    Who am I to tell other people what to do?

    September 16, 2011 at 22:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. purplebird

    My first husband was into swinging and never told me about it.....cost him a couple of million. My second husband and I tried it and had a blast but issues got in the way on his part, but was fun while it lasted.

    September 16, 2011 at 23:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Cognitive Dissonance

    Assumptions and preconceived notions will yeild inaccurate beliefs most every time, no matter how good someone thinks they are at plausible conclusions from simple observations.

    September 17, 2011 at 02:38 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Cognitive Dissonance

      My previous comment above is not directed at any one poster per se, however, it's just an expressive digital inking related to the judgemental falsely held opinions pertaining to anyone with whom holds what they perceive to be an understanding without a direct correlation of knowledge to a particular subject.

      September 17, 2011 at 02:43 | Report abuse |
    • nwatcher

      ..you mean simple observations...like social scientists and marriage counselors make? I'll bet most marriage counselors get sick and tired of repeating:' you need to realize that your actions are destroying your relationship with your spouse"...

      September 18, 2011 at 18:16 | Report abuse |
  28. Rob

    3-ways and swinging are the beginning of the end of a relationship. They introduce the potential for disease to be introduced where there is none. Likewise, you run the risk of having a transfer of affection. I can't imagine any guy wanting to kiss his wife after watching her give oral to another guy? And, what happens if your wife likes the way another guy is hitting it and decides to move on? Ick...too many recipes for disaster by opening up this can of worms.

    September 17, 2011 at 06:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. JeramieH

    1) Condoms
    2) Everybody's different. For instance, I detest tomatoes but my girlfriend absolutely loves them. One day, you'll realize the entire world doesn't necessarily think like you do.
    3) Sounds like the status quo wasn't that great to begin with, which would be the deeper problem

    September 17, 2011 at 09:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Panties

    I believe the question is: Would I ever swing? Hell, yes I am. I have been a swinger for many moons. There is no better lifestyle.

    September 17, 2011 at 09:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Ryan

    I guess I can see how this could be fun, but I can't imagine how I'd feel watching my boyfriend with another guy. No thanks, I'd rather enjoy what's mine and not risk the guilt and shame.

    September 17, 2011 at 13:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. callmecrazy

    Pardon me but, while "the lifestyle" is not our cup of tea, the wife and I are wondering how everybody seems to have missed the CONSENTING ADULTS part of this discussion? It is still a free country, right?

    September 17, 2011 at 14:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. Dan

    That picture at the top of the article is hilarious... "Okay couple #2, look interested in couple #1. Aaaaaaand action!"

    September 17, 2011 at 17:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Scotty

    Every swinger I have ever seen has been fugly white trash. Gross!!!

    September 18, 2011 at 01:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. V Saxena

    Tuning in real quickly to say NO! I believe in monogamy <– look it up!

    September 18, 2011 at 02:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. V Saxena

    I'm an open-minded liberal, but as far as I'm concerned, swinging is for perverts incapable of using their real brains. Get a hobby! READ A BOOK!

    September 18, 2011 at 02:13 | Report abuse | Reply
    • wade

      V – you may be liberal; but by presenting an opinion about the participants in something you do not take part in; is not being open minded. if you were open minded, your statement might actually read "as far as i'm concerned swinging is .... whatever. not for me and my relationships. and that would be the end of the statement. that is being open minded. not passing judgment.

      September 18, 2011 at 11:43 | Report abuse |
    • SwingerGirl

      I read plenty, I'm a librarian. I have plenty of hobbies also, such as painting, skiing, yoga, and even being a tutor for special needs kids! Friday night between the hours of 8pm-2am, I am a swinger. One of the many hats I wear!

      October 4, 2011 at 19:47 | Report abuse |
  37. Starnexus

    Eehh not my thing but whatever rocks their boats I guess...

    September 18, 2011 at 11:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Sheesh

    @ 2nd happy couple ... Get over yourself. The vast majority of us don't give a crap about what you do or don't do.

    September 18, 2011 at 13:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. NeverInaMillion

    While it is excellent to be open-minded, like most things, open-mindedness needs balance and moderateness. Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.

    September 18, 2011 at 17:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Poodles

    I swing with guacamole. And pancakes. And llamas.

    September 18, 2011 at 18:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. Jeepers


    September 18, 2011 at 18:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. Gary

    My wife & I have tired swinging, it was a lot of fun....the 3rd or 4th time. It does take some time to get used to seeing your SO be intimate with somebody else.

    September 18, 2011 at 19:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. IATroutGuide

    testing. This working?

    September 18, 2011 at 21:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. IATroutGuide

    Ok. Just censored is all.

    September 18, 2011 at 21:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Some Kid

    Wow. I just wanted to say as a teenager I never thought adults had the same pointless, ranting arguments as the children my age. Now i know that no matter how much I grow up no conversation I have will ever have a purpose. Whats most interesting is how the argument is over an opinion not a fact, and how an opinion will always have two sides to it no matter how much time you are wasting.
    Degustibus non discutandum.

    September 18, 2011 at 21:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Kim

    It's not Cheatin if we both Eatin:)!!!!

    September 18, 2011 at 21:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. jaylowe

    testing 2

    September 19, 2011 at 00:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. jaylowe

    testing 3

    September 19, 2011 at 00:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Phil

    Some of you idiots here just make me laugh.

    "you'll burn in hell"
    "god shall strike you down"
    "it's a sin"
    "the bible says"

    Keep your imaginary friend out of this discussion.

    Fortunately for many of us, a growing number of people are discovering how religion has oppressed free thought for thousands of years and are abandoning their religion all together.

    Unfortunately, I will never be alive long enough to see the world free of religion...but the day will eventually come to pass - and it will be a great achievement for us.

    September 19, 2011 at 03:51 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Bryan

      Really Phil? That's what you've got. At some point you are FORCED to acknowledge a leap of faith in what ever you believe, even if that is no God. Science can't prove where this whole thing we call the universe started. Even if you want to go with the excitement of the Big Bang you nor science can show where the original matter came from. You are taking it on faith that it just was.
      Flawed and sinful man has made many poor choices in the way they carried out "religion". That doesn't change who God is or the fact that one day, you will come face to face with him. He won't guilt you into anything, in that moment you will have an immediate and final understanding of how much you have fallen short of his standard. Plain and simple, so have I and so has Karen (from the earlier post). I took his one and only offer to bridge the gap, his Son. Religion isn't for dumb unenlightened people. If the Bible was a bunch of hooey someone would have disproved portions of it. It hasn't happened...and it's the most scrutinized book on the face of the earth. Sill valid, still in it's original form and still matching the earliest manuscripts we have from just a hundred or so years after the originals were written look it up. You will be astounded.

      September 19, 2011 at 21:15 | Report abuse |
  50. S_

    Why does anybody bother to get married any more? It is just a religious ceremony...Oh yea, I forgot there is seperation of church and state (LOL)and people want the tax breaks.

    September 19, 2011 at 09:06 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28

Post a comment


CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.