Is charity sex better than no sex?
August 18th, 2011
01:21 PM ET

Is charity sex better than no sex?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

Is pushing yourself when you’re not in the mood an investment in your relationship?

You may be bristling at the phrase “charity sex.” If you’re a woman, perhaps it brings to mind past, award-worthy, faked orgasms. Or maybe it reminds you of that time you bit your tongue and had sex because you were sick of hearing him ask for it. If you’re a guy, you might be thinking, “better than nothing.”
Or possibly, just possibly, you assume I’m referring to guilt-induced sex…... the sort you engage in because you feel bad for not throwing your partner a bone lately... the sort you suffer through, only to feel resentment later on.

But don’t equate charity sex with pity sex. Rather, see charity sex as a means of reestablishing a connection with your partner, and of making an important investment in your relationship.

Think of it as a donation, rather than an assessment. As blogger Heidi Raykeil has written, “The other night I was enjoying some “me” time, curled up on the couch watching the latest episode of "Grey’s Anatomy." Meanwhile, my husband was tossing and turning in bed, stressed out over his latest work project.

Frankly, between McDreamy and McSteamy, I was already pretty satisfied. But if I know one thing about my husband, it’s that sex helps him sleep. So I put down the remote and headed upstairs to take one for the team. That’s right: I had charity sex. And you know what? It was actually pretty hot.”

Pity sex is about checking sex off your to-do list. Charity sex is about checking in with each other. It’s not about meeting someone else’s physical needs—it’s about meeting your relationship’s emotional ones. It’s about opening up, quite literally, to each other.

Why might you engage in charity sex? You might do it because your partner is all wound up from work, and sex relaxes him or her. You might do it because she’s feeling a little down, and sex gives her a boost. Or maybe you do it because —- like some 41 million Americans - you’ve both gone too many days, weeks, or even months without sex.

It’s easy for sex to fall to the bottom of your to-do list when you have so many other things on your mind. The bills? The housework? The kids? The latest episode of "Breaking Bad"? Who has time for sex!? Unfortunately, the less often you have sex, the harder it is to get back into the groove. Testosterone levels drop and, as a result, libido levels drop, too. Before you know it, you’re experiencing the longest dry spell of your life.

Charity? You feel you don’t have enough to give! Fortunately, if you dig deep, you can still do your relationship some good. How?

Fake it ’til you make it. No. I’m not advocating fake orgasms. But there’s definitely something to be said for putting in a little effort. With charity sex, you may not initially feel as if you’re in the mood, but if you start going through the motions, your desire will likely catch up.

As Emily Nagoski has written in the "Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms," “Putting your body through the moves of faking one could actually lead to having one.” So start slowly, with intimate touching. Allow yourself to enjoy some pleasurable sensations. Try not to think about anything —- your to-do list; that meeting tomorrow morning -— but how it feels when the two of you touch. Before you know it, that offering of charity sex will start to feel like a gift to both of you.

Take away the pressure. When you’re not in the mood for sex, an orgasm may seem out of the question. And you may ask yourself: Why even have sex if I’m not getting the big payoff? But there’s a lot to be said about the stuff that happens before the orgasm. So don’t fixate too much on the end result. Rather, enjoy those moan-inducing caresses and toe-curling nibbles as they’re happening. Remain in the moment. You never know. Your body may surprise you.

Remember how good it was. Remember all the reasons you’re together. Remember what things were like when they were still new and undeniably hot. And then think of how much things have changed. How can you give back to that relationship? What are you willing to do to revitalize it?

Is charity sex better than no sex? And can it be a good thing for your relationship? You tell me.

soundoff (584 Responses)
  1. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

    First. And yes, more is always better than none.

    August 18, 2011 at 13:33 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Fred Evil

      Good god Joe, I'm glad I'm not married to you. What an AWFUL way to look at one of life's greatest pleasures!!

      August 18, 2011 at 15:42 | Report abuse |
    • kali31337

      I have been saying that this works for a long time now. Even if I'm not in the mood when we start, I am by the end of it. This way he gets what he wants and ultimately I get what I want. I've always been upfront about when I'm not fully in the mood and he understands. This takes away the pressure for both of us and we both are quite happy.

      August 18, 2011 at 16:26 | Report abuse |
    • G. R.R.

      Joe, I believe that you are living in the wrong state. You should be in Kansas, OK, Tn, etc.

      August 18, 2011 at 18:25 | Report abuse |
    • Scott Fischer

      Hey Joe in Colorado, what do you think about when your taking a crap?

      August 18, 2011 at 21:18 | Report abuse |
    • jason

      Joe, that was the hottest comment ever.

      August 18, 2011 at 23:55 | Report abuse |
  2. Christine

    I am SO SICK of hearing about these women who have to 'take one for the team.' It's quite infuriating, considering my libido is MUCH higher than my husband's. C'mon, ladies, IT'S NOT THAT BAD. Geez.

    August 18, 2011 at 13:44 | Report abuse | Reply
    • momomiester

      so..ahh...what you doing later hun:)

      August 18, 2011 at 13:59 | Report abuse |
    • D

      I am with you Christine. Lots of men have pretty low libido out there.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:04 | Report abuse |
    • momomiester

      What the..No way..If you ladies are attractive then there is something wrong with the guys. Not every guy has low libido.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:10 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      I'm pretty sure you are actually a man posting as a woman. Look, I am a man. I don't go 5 minutes without thinking about $ex. Every woman I see – no matter if she is attractive or hideous – sparks the thought "wonder what that would be like". There is not a moment in my life, no matter if I am hungry, tired, sick, whatever that I would say no to $ex. When my wife was a girlfriend, she made efforts to satisfy me, we found that 'satisfied' is not a state I EVER achieve. After we finish, I want to go again, and again, and again... She did her best to keep up and I appreciated it. Now married with kids, and she has made it clear that $ex is absolute last on her priority list. I complain, I bring up comments like yours and the idea that many women complain that they don't get enough, she should be happy I am still so into her (esp. as she has gained weight, and I have not). She polls her friends – every single one thinks I am some kind of monster for wanting it more than once or twice a year. So Christine, I just don't believe that women like you exist. I think that girlfriends try to portray themselves that way, but once that ring is on the finger, forget about it. I really hope I'm wrong, because at the rate we're going I will be on the market again soon, but I fear that the only partner that will ever share my libido is my hand.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:17 | Report abuse |
    • k

      it's not that...it's just after 15-years I'm tired of #$%^ you.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:17 | Report abuse |
    • abbyful

      For a lot of women, being on birth control negatively effects their libido.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:35 | Report abuse |
    • Chris C from the D

      When I was a young woman, my libido was sky high. Now, I'd rather work out or read a good book. I took one for the team last night. All I wanted to do was sleep after working 10 hours, cooking dinner and doing his daughter's hair. But, when he gets the look in his eye, I figure that it's good he wants me and I do want him to be happy. So, I go with the flow. As the article states, I usually get into it after about 10 minutes and fun is had by all.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:43 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      @ Chris – Doesn't the workout get you in the mood? As you may note from my other comments, I am always at least somewhat in the mood, but there is something about a good workout that really makes me want to go rip her clothes off and have my way. The blood is flowing, the sweat is dripping. . I need a few minutes.
      Anyway, I wish my wife shared your sense of duty at the very least.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:48 | Report abuse |
    • Chris C from the D


      Sometimes after a run outside I might be feeling frisky, but not always. I like to dance. That gets me going, but he doesn't like to dance so I'm left out in the cold there.

      Sorry you are unhappy. I know it's little comfort, but your wife probably had no idea things would be like they are right now. I mean, I never thought I'd be so indifferent towards an act I used to really, really enjoy. Women, for the most part, are wired differently, I guess.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:54 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      Thanks for the thoughtful response Chris. Very unusual and impressive on this forum. I realize she never intended to become this way. I also realize that women are wired differently. It still feels like some kind of fraud. I mean, I was basically sold a bill of goods that mysteriously evaporated somewhere along the way. What I advertised before marriage is exactly what I am delivering (or attempting to deliver) today. I feel like a victim of false advertising on her part.

      August 18, 2011 at 15:01 | Report abuse |
    • VinoBianco

      Don't be mad. Consider yourself lucky that you have a high libido. Unfortunately, I always have to fake that I'm into it and I could easily be celibate for the rest of my life. It's sad, but I feel like most women are with me.

      August 18, 2011 at 15:12 | Report abuse |
    • Jessica

      your right. my libido is way higher than my husbands, two of my friends libido is higher than their boyfriend and husband,

      August 18, 2011 at 15:42 | Report abuse |
    • SMS in Texas

      Howie, just so I'm sure I'm hearing you correctly, let me restate. You have pointed out to your wife that she should feel lucky that you're still attracted to her since she has gained weight and you haven't. And the only thing you can think about when you see any random woman is what it would be like to get naked with her. I gotta tell you guy, I would not be interested in you either. Good luck.

      August 18, 2011 at 16:23 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      No SMS, you do not understand correctly. I would never be so crass as to point out her weight gain. I'm pretty sure her eyes work, and we do have mirrors. Rather, it is something in my mind – wondering what has happened to what used to be a fantastic $ex life I look first to myself – healthy, fit, caring, generous, compassionate, interested in pleasing HER any way I can. That doesn't seem to be the issue. Then I look around. Many women who let themselves go as my wife has end up either losing their husband (if he stays fit), or having him cheat. Not the case here. I don't tell her I have $exual thoughts about every woman I see, I was merely pointing out my mental state as contrasted to what appears to be hers. So no, you don't get it. And if you knew what you are missing, you probably would want to have $ex with me – I'm very good at it!

      August 18, 2011 at 16:37 | Report abuse |
    • Bilszbub

      You know what, this issue has been solved for well over 2000 years. Men had mistresses. In Europe they don't even bat an eyelash at that fact even in modern times! Women have lower libidos and are incapable of satisfying their partner's every need. If anything we should be asking why all of a sudden women think they can be all things when it is clear they can't be. Let's accept the way things are and adjust accordingly.

      And no, If YOU are able to satisfy your partner, this doesn't mean you. I'm talking about the majority of women. You're husband is lucky. Most husbands are not.

      August 18, 2011 at 16:46 | Report abuse |
    • Verily7

      Chrsitine, I can so relate. My libido is usually higher than the guys I've been with. In the morning, they make ME coffee. LOL A roll in the hay has NEVER been last on my list. I just don't know who these woman are that have to "take one for the team," esp. on a regular basis. If it's that bad, get yourself checked out...hormones or something is off either physically or in your relationship.

      August 18, 2011 at 17:25 | Report abuse |
    • Arigatomj

      As a healthy attractive woman I have found that my libido tends to be higher than the men that I've been with. Its sad because they express feeling inadequate when that's so far from being the case. I have found that sometimes I have to downplay my desire for s'x because of this issue. Believe me it can be a curse sometimes. And yes I am a real woman with a 15 year old son.

      August 18, 2011 at 19:00 | Report abuse |
    • Dan

      Bla bla bla...these are all just typical excuses for not being healthy and working out. You want more s3x? Gain some self-respect and work out so you look better, feel better, and in return...your labido sky-rockets. Just because you're married or have a gf/bf doesn't guarantee you s3x. EARN IT by always taking care of the FIRST thing involved with s3x: appearance. I'm 43 and everyday that passes is the best day I've felt, yet....all due to staying fit since high school. Not work, weather, illness, or family ever prevented me from staying healthy. After all, YOU are the most important person. Without your health, what is there? So...stop the excuses and whining in your gloomy sorrow and instead...see the light: working out and living a healthy lifestyle is the fountain of youth...in everyway imaginable.

      August 19, 2011 at 01:26 | Report abuse |
    • Newo

      @ Howie
      Unfortunately you probably won't see this, but there is a very good chance that her weight gain has helped kill her libido. Any way since you can't get her a gym membership without her flipping out you could offer to watch those kids of yours while she gets a work out in...or clean the house for her...or cook a healthy meal for her....it's called "chore-play" and it works wonders.

      August 23, 2011 at 12:15 | Report abuse |
  3. boka

    Must be great. All you people having s_ex. I wish I could get some.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. k

    The more articles I read from this guy the more I realize what a dolt he is...

    August 18, 2011 at 14:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. Ed

    Wish my wife would actually read and understand these things. imagine going without any for 6-8 months at a time, year after year. I love her, but just about hate her because of this. It's not worth it when you have to beg and bully for weeks before you get some that's obviously grudgingly given. totally s–ks to have become like a piece of furniture after the kid comes along...

    August 18, 2011 at 14:18 | Report abuse | Reply
    • k

      get a girl friend on the side...you'll be happier...she'll be happier...just don't get caught and when you do get caught lie lie lie...then blame her.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:20 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      I feel your pain brother. This column has been both a source of hope for me, and then a cause for major arguments in my marriage.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:21 | Report abuse |
    • NC

      @ Ed:
      Note to other married men : Don't have kids.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:42 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      @NC – even better, don't get married. The old joke is true, how do you get your girlfriend to stop having $ex with you? – Marry her.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:45 | Report abuse |
    • Chris C from the D

      You men that complain your children are more important to your wife that you are, what are you doing to help her in the home? To take the burden off of her so she might have some energy to invest in you? Do YOU do the things you did before kids came into the picture? Gifts for no reason? Going out on a date? Compliments?

      August 18, 2011 at 14:48 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      Gifts, compliments, 90% of the housework, & 70% of the childcare. She gets mad if I suggest a date, because she thinks it is just a front for obligating her to have $ex. I get up with the kids in the morning and put them to bed at nite, just so she can have a few extra minutes to herself. I do not get the reward. Everyone says do the housework and she'l jump all over you. Doesn't work that way.

      August 18, 2011 at 15:06 | Report abuse |
    • LaLa

      WOW HOWIE! I've been married 23 years, 3 kids later and STILL can't get the da** kids to sleep to enjoy my husband! We sneak one in everytime we get a chance...even in the am or during the day. I DO 90% of the housework, cleaning and all of the shopping/laundry 7 months out of teh year.(The other 5, I work 12 hr days and don't sleep) so yeah......My libido is probably higher than when I was 30....we just can't "connect"

      August 18, 2011 at 15:34 | Report abuse |
    • G0FerItAlready

      What's the big deal about getting some on the side in your case? When your partner cuts off affection, that is 100% equivalent to cheating. So make both of youse happy, stop hounding her for something she doesn't want any more, and enjoy everything else but that. Go get that elsewhere and be very discreet. As long as you don't embarrass her with it, she has not right to complain.

      August 18, 2011 at 23:13 | Report abuse |
  6. Joe in Colorado

    I like to look at s^x as two fleshy bags of bones and blood inserting their appendages inside one another's skeletons. Next time you put it in her mouth, imagine her skull for what it is. Next time you're on top and going like a rabbit, take a moment and realize how ridiculous it is what you're doing in her pelvic cavity. Once you're past the age of maybe 18, you should be so far "over" s^x that it never even crosses your mind. So childish and ridiculous.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:20 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      You clearly have a mental disorder. There is NOTHING better than $ex! NOTHING!

      August 18, 2011 at 14:22 | Report abuse |
    • Joe in Colorado

      And as a lifeform with a limited amount of time in this life, you don't find that very, very, very sad? Nothing better?

      August 18, 2011 at 14:24 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      Not sad at all Joe. I am ecstatic that life is so wonderful that we are able to do something as great as have $ex. It is an absolute affirmation of a real reason to exist. I cannot imagine a nobler purpose than wanting to do it all day every day until I die. Any man who can have $ex every day of his adult life should be proud that he lived the greatest life possible, and certainly will never be depressed. You seem like you might be depressed, you should try $ex. Maybe the problem is that you are gay, so not attracted to women, but have a moral objection to gayness, and so have come to view $ex as a bad thing. Let go of your repression and live a little. After all, as you pointed out we only have limited time. Might as well do what your body was designed for.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:39 | Report abuse |
    • DC

      Hmmm! Let's see. Tried to imagine it exactly as you portrayed and I still want it just as much if not more. 🙂

      August 18, 2011 at 14:48 | Report abuse |
    • mettle69

      People don't like to be reminded that they're just animals, Joe.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:49 | Report abuse |
    • DC

      Let's hear from Joe what (s)he finds better than s^x.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:50 | Report abuse |
    • Kurt

      If your ancestors did not engage in such behavior, you would not exist. Not to mention that it is fun and greatly enjoyable. Some may have the point of view that by not engaging in s3x, a person is not living life to the fullest. Its a curious point of view you have. Your priorities and experience are obviously much different that anyone I've ever encountered before, at least outside of the clergy.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:55 | Report abuse |
    • Rachelle

      Joe, the fact that you find the human bodies so disgusting is rather disturbing. It's how we are put together! Our bodies are ridiculously complex and beautiful in their own right apart from any s3xual appeal or lack thereof. I don't think blood and bones are s3xy, but they're not un-s3xy either. Especially because you claim that s3x isn't important, I'd think you'd value your body because of all the other equally amazing things it allows you to do.

      August 18, 2011 at 15:12 | Report abuse |
    • rhobere

      cnn doesn't seem to want to post my replies so I'll try again. I'm with you on this one Joe. I find more satisfaction in intellectual stimulation or physical accomplishment than I do in physical pleasure. my girlfriend (who I've lived with for five years) and I have s3x 1-4 times a week, but its usually when we're bored or tired. s3x should be back-up entertainment, not the crutch that keeps your relationship alive. I'm not saying I don't have thoughts when I see attractive women and I'm not saying I don't enjoy s3x when I have it. I'm just saying that there are other activities that my me and my girlfriend do together that are more emotionally satisfying. that is, I feel more connected with my girlfriend when we spend the day riding bikes, climbing mountains, running with the dogs, playing guitar, playing drums, studying, doing puzzles, even just throwing a frisbee than I do when we take a quick romp in the sheets. s3x is an important part of life, but I wouldn't consider it something that I should try to do every day of my life. if s3x every day is your idea of a perfect life, you need to get some hobbies.

      August 18, 2011 at 15:45 | Report abuse |
    • Bilszbub

      Wow Joe, just wow. Dude you need to be on an antipsychotic drug if you're saying crap like that. Seriously your perception of reality is warped. Seek help.

      August 18, 2011 at 17:04 | Report abuse |
    • Dave in NJ

      Hey Joe in Colorado, you must have fell off to many mountains and landed on your head. At least your DNA will not end up in Colorado's gene pool.

      August 18, 2011 at 18:12 | Report abuse |
    • Gary

      I have to agree with you. I am only 40, but it is simply no longer an obsession occupying my every minute. There are better ways to spend you time. Maybe my chemicals are out of wack compared to the norm, but it is just not at the top of my priority list anymore.

      August 18, 2011 at 18:19 | Report abuse |
    • Oodoodanoo

      Joe, next time you have a bowel movement, imagine that movie in reverse. How could you do that to yourself?

      August 18, 2011 at 20:12 | Report abuse |
    • Monica

      So glad I'm not the only one. Much more to life. Cheers, Joe.

      August 18, 2011 at 22:08 | Report abuse |
    • G0FerItAlready

      Laffin my arrse off at Oodoodanoo. You win.

      August 18, 2011 at 23:17 | Report abuse |
    • Ginger

      Gary, must be low T. Take a pill.

      August 19, 2011 at 13:04 | Report abuse |
  7. Tom

    Sounds like "Joe in Colorado" doesn't get any action.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:32 | Report abuse | Reply
    • DC

      Or Joe is taking one for the team even while tweeting these comments here LOL :)))

      August 18, 2011 at 14:51 | Report abuse |
  8. Buffy

    Since my husband is inept to satisfy me, rather then cheat on him. I make him watch while I f%$k a stranger responding to a craigslist add.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:33 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      Oh how I wish you were real! Unfortunately you are obviously another man posting as a woman.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:43 | Report abuse |
    • mettle69


      Your poor grammar makes it sound like you're f%$k the stranger while he is sitting at a computer responding to an ad on Craigslist.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:46 | Report abuse |
    • Aaron

      A true cuckoldress wouldn't advertise in this way. You're just a moron.

      August 18, 2011 at 17:58 | Report abuse |
  9. Tom

    Hey, guess what, Joe: you're a dirty, stinking mammal like the rest of us who is going to be worm food someday. So don't act like you're some ethereal creature who is above it all. I guess taking a ###p on the toilet also offends your sensibilities.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • mettle69

      Yeah... um, you do realize that all you did was reassert what Joe said about all of us. We're all stinking animals.

      August 18, 2011 at 14:55 | Report abuse |
  10. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

    Joe is just a woman trying to get the pressure off of herself. And Buffy, as long as both of you are into it, then it's just another weird fetish that some people have.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. joe

    Don't worry guys. If she's tired of it, you can always knock the chick nexdoor. Sometimes I wonder why guys go insane over ome hard to get average brat when there are so many available women out there. And what I find funny is that from my experience, I have discovered that I get turned down more by average looking women while the very pretty ones are always more friendly, accomodating and down to earth. Morale of my point is that guys shouldn't be down on themselves because some average woman turned them down. Just go out on the town and see how many attractive women say yes.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:52 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jim in Colorado

      Wow Joe....sounds like you must have the Midas touch or something! "Just go out on the town and see how many of them say yes!" Joe....are you saying that you walk up to some female and ask her is she wants to do it? Granted....she can either say yes or no....but that really isn't something I would be able to ask someone! I suppose if I were completely toasted and didn't really know what I was saying! But otherwise....I wouldn't have the "culliones" to ask her that. I've got enough trouble asking a female what time it is! And it's been my experience that they don't have the time of day for me anyway....no matter what I might have asked or said!

      September 23, 2011 at 13:09 | Report abuse |
  12. Diggler

    The writer is a emasculated dork. Give a women an 0rgasmmmm everytime and they will jump at the site of your purple helmeted soldier. We try to have s-ex at least once a day. If we go more than 2 or 3 days we both go crazy. We are a perfect fit physically and libido wise. She is a size queen and I fill her up like a stuffed turkey. We just got done knocking one out in the conference room over lunch. S-ex is the reason for living.

    August 18, 2011 at 14:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SMS in Texas

      You make an excellent point that if these whining men worried more about their partner enjoying the act, they'd obviously be more interested in doing it. We all enjoy doing things that we, well, enjoy. Think about it.

      August 18, 2011 at 16:21 | Report abuse |
  13. Greg

    sounds like Joe in Colorado is a serial killer. Little too gory and disturbing with his descriptions of what should be the pinnacle of human intimacy.

    August 18, 2011 at 15:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. Travis

    This is a news site – a NEWS site – and it's reading like some cheap, sleazy blog. This is pretty sad.

    August 18, 2011 at 15:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      $ex is much more important and interesting than the pap that passes as 'news' these days. I don't know about you, but I have never found $ex to be 'cheap'. Sleazy can be lots of fun though!

      August 18, 2011 at 16:25 | Report abuse |
  15. Christine

    Howie – haha I am indeed a female. I held high expectations before I got married, to constantly be desired, to be wanted, to be begged for, and BOY was I wrong. I'm 24 and have been married for 3 years now. I've come to terms with the fact that our libidos will most likely never match up. That does not make it any easier, that's for sure......I've been told that I do have a higher libido 'than most', which doesn't mean anything when you're in a marriage with mis-matched libidos........aaaaand I have no point with all of this. Just whining. haha

    August 18, 2011 at 15:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      Christine, he doesn't deserve you. You are far to young to be giving up good $ex just to be married to someone who doesn't appreciate what he has. If you don't have kids, get out now!

      August 18, 2011 at 15:39 | Report abuse |
    • Christine

      Howie – hahahaha le sigh. You made my day. I love being married, and I love being married to HIM. The s e x is AMAZING, it's just not enough.... ; )

      August 18, 2011 at 15:44 | Report abuse |
  16. Tlherrdit

    Thought it was good.

    August 18, 2011 at 15:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. c

    Christine – we are soul sisters – I feel for you (and me!). My man's libido has slowed WAY down (he's 40, I'm 38). I don't mean to put the pressure on him, but it just doesn't feel 'fair'. We aren't married, but we are committed – I do all I can to satisfy him every single day. I'm so attracted to him and want him all the time, but he just 'isn't into it'. This isn't a constant, we do eventually get it together, but he says we aren't teenagers anymore. Why can't we act like it???

    August 18, 2011 at 15:30 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Christine

      hahahaha indeed we are!! I'm bugged by the fact that when we DON'T do it, we're satisfying HIS need – I don't think he can acknowledge that....and yes, we do it plenty, but it's never enough for me.....haha

      August 18, 2011 at 15:34 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      I'm starting to think I must be some kind of freak. At 42 I am hornier now than I was at 18, and MUCH better at it too! I simply cannot imagine ever 'not being into it'. I have literally been in bed with the flu, fever over 102°, and when she comes to bed I want to use my last strength to knock one out. It's the first thing I think of in the morning (wood), the last thought before sleep, and part of most thoughts in between. As I have become more mature I have learned how to focus on pleasing her rather than just satisfying myself. I know a woman's body, and am expert in pleasuring her in various and unexpected ways. I strive never to let it be boring and routine, and I just cannot understand men who do. Maybe she's right, I'm not normal. All I ever want to do is boom boom.

      August 18, 2011 at 15:47 | Report abuse |
    • Fred Evil

      Where the heck are you women?! When my wife had our first child, it was like the faucet was turned off. Heck, I went and lost 100 pounds (didn't put it on first, had it since we met), and she STILL isn't interested in more than once a month, man-on-top-get-it-over-with-quick. I like to think I'm not AWFUL in bed, but what else is a man to think? I do 90% of housework, handle well over 50% of the kids, pay most of the bills, I still work out, I'm smart, funny, very considerate (I like to think), affectionate, giving....WTH?
      I'm not into the idea of ending the marriage, and blowing up the kids' lives, nor am I into cheating...but what else am I left with? Oh yes...what I'm typing with.... (sigh)

      August 18, 2011 at 15:53 | Report abuse |
    • Christine

      See, Howie, this is how I imagined ALL men to be.......then I got married to one. I, too, think about it constantly. It's great! I love it! I can't get enough!

      August 18, 2011 at 15:53 | Report abuse |
    • Christine

      Fred – I truly do not understand these women. That's why I commented initially. Who are these women that just can't be bothered??? They usually admit that it ends well anyway, so why the fuss?? Blows my mind. I'd do it twice a day, every day, if I could.

      August 18, 2011 at 16:01 | Report abuse |
    • Fred Evil

      Well, at least you know where the stereotype comes from....heck, she told me the other day that if she never did it again, it wouldn't be a problem for her...how can people live like that? Maybe I should hook her up with Joe.

      August 18, 2011 at 16:53 | Report abuse |
    • Christine

      So Fred, Howie, is charity s e x better than no s e x?

      August 18, 2011 at 17:38 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      Any $ex is better than no $ex, I just wish she wanted it like I do. Fred, my wife says the same. Its really tragic.

      August 18, 2011 at 18:54 | Report abuse |
  18. c

    I have to be fair and explain he does have high BP and has had recent weight gain, but my feelings for him haven't changed. I am patient by nature, but never thought I'd have to compromise in this area. I 'assumed' my man (any man) would always be willing and ready. I want to be desired but trying to find the balance. It's tough!

    August 18, 2011 at 15:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. c

    @ Howie – I have known several men just like you....I thought my man was one. I know it troubles him as well...this isn't 'him'. I am patiently waiting for him to get better – trying to help him lose the extra poundage and control his BP better. It's just a bummer and honestly makes me feel insecure when I am otherwise not.

    August 18, 2011 at 15:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      Thanks, it's nice to feel 'normal'.

      August 18, 2011 at 16:23 | Report abuse |
    • April

      @ Howie...You are very normal and I wish that more men were like you. I know most guys say it is the woman with the low libido, but most men I have tried to date it is them. I can say that from my perspective you are normal and a dream come true!!

      August 18, 2011 at 17:09 | Report abuse |
    • Cat in The Woodpile

      C, in my experience, BP meds are an assasins bullet for libido. Not sure from what you've said if you guy is on them or not, but...

      August 18, 2011 at 18:51 | Report abuse |
    • G0FerItAlready

      C; Put it in your mouth, and then tell him if he ever wants THAT again, he'll lose the love handles. Guaranteed he'll be at the gym when they open in the morning, and he'll never touch another slice of bread or another baked potato for the rest of his natural life.

      August 18, 2011 at 23:23 | Report abuse |
  20. NotaChance

    Hot, charity or pity, don't see the diff. Either way you get laid.

    August 18, 2011 at 15:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. rufus

    Howie, I think you're a woman pretending to be a man.

    August 18, 2011 at 16:06 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      Only in your dreams!

      August 18, 2011 at 16:22 | Report abuse |
  22. Tim

    Have backup or have backup.

    August 18, 2011 at 16:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Tom

    If women would quit marrying ugly republicans they wouldn't have this problem.

    August 18, 2011 at 16:16 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      That's the funniest thing I've heard all day!

      August 18, 2011 at 16:22 | Report abuse |
  24. Bill

    If you see a ditch in the road, walk around it. Don't walk into a ditch and then acted surprised. Marriage equals blue ones.

    August 18, 2011 at 16:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Bill

    It is cheaper to keep her is BS. Lie, lay, leave. That is the secret to happiness!

    August 18, 2011 at 16:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • fix 'em

      Bill, you need to be neutered. It'll stop you from spraying and wandering. Everyone will be happier.

      September 8, 2011 at 22:10 | Report abuse |
  26. KC

    Howie, you sound funny and cute.

    August 18, 2011 at 16:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      Well thanks KC!, I am cute. And funny. My wife used to think so too.

      August 18, 2011 at 18:58 | Report abuse |
    • KC

      Howie–I feel bad–I bet your wife really does still thinks you're funny and cute-maybe she doesn't think SHE is cute anymore–maybe she needs an antdepressant –(not the libido-killing kind!)
      You must have loads of energy–I'm not trying to be too curious, but do you work physically for a living, or are you a desk fellow?

      August 18, 2011 at 19:18 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      I work at a desk, but my recreation is all physical – Mt. biking, skiing, hiking. I work out daily and run. Yes, I have a lot of energy. Her, not so much.

      August 18, 2011 at 20:04 | Report abuse |
  27. Fred Evil

    SMSinTexas-"the only thing you can think about when you see any random woman is what it would be like to get naked with her"
    It's not just Howie, it's just how most men's brains work. I have the same issue, of course, it could have something to do with being starved for affection, but it's not like I deliberately stop and go, "Geez, I bet she'd throw a good one,' in truth, I can't help it...it just pops in there, like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man!

    August 18, 2011 at 16:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      And that is the second funniest thing I've heard today!

      August 18, 2011 at 18:59 | Report abuse |
  28. Bill

    Lie, lay, leave and repeat or suffer with blue ones.

    August 18, 2011 at 16:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. KC

    Fred, you're not evil–you're sad. I'm sorry that you feel unloved and rather alone. That's a very sad, lonesome way to feel. : (

    August 18, 2011 at 17:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. c

    Lie, lay, leave. Sad way to live. Just leave.

    August 18, 2011 at 17:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Bill

    The purpose of marriage for most women is to have men help them pay their bills and in return they provide their men with blue ones. I have zero sympathy for a man who enters into legally binding contract called marriage.

    August 18, 2011 at 17:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. Bill

    C- You forgot to include repeat. Sad? It doesn't feel sad. It feels good!

    August 18, 2011 at 17:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. JF

    I have been married to a man that definately made me groan and roll my eyes at even the slightest thought of s e x. Now, however, I am married to a man that constantly has my drive up. It is nothing he does or doesn't do, it is simply that I love him just that much. Unfortunately for me, he has the libido of a tree stump. At the end of the day, I wish he could "take one for the team" and just go with it, but he doesn't. Not for one minute do I think that he does (or doesn't) do this because he doesn't love me, but it is just a chemical thing. Of course it is frustrating, terribly disappointing and all around nerve wracking because we are always wondering if tonight we are going to have "discussion" about it or not. At the end of the day, I will wonder what it could be like, and love him for what it is like.

    August 18, 2011 at 17:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Bill

    Maybe Tiger Woods' wife was like the majority of wives and not taking care of her husband. Maybe Tiger chose not to suffer blue ones.

    August 18, 2011 at 18:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. Bill

    Only a fool gambles 55% to 60% of their wealth when lawyer fees are included on being a rare exception.

    August 18, 2011 at 18:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Bill

    Most married men live lives of quiet desperation. I don't wonder why.

    August 18, 2011 at 18:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • KC

      @Bill-- I guess we all feel that way sometimes–isn't it odd–men and women annoy each other no end- -we're as different as night and day-but we're the only other opposite s3x that we all have!!!! HMMMMMMMMMMMMM. We have to make the best of it.

      August 18, 2011 at 20:20 | Report abuse |
  37. Bill

    Marriage is like a mine field. Sooner or later you will step on a mine and receive a pair of blue ones.

    August 18, 2011 at 18:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. epicjourney

    It is when you are the one receiving the charity....

    August 18, 2011 at 19:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. Deb

    Hahahahaha the author STILL has the most perverted photo.

    August 18, 2011 at 19:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Pege

    This is hilarious! I have never laughed so much in my life! And Joe, seriously.... fleshy bags of bones and blood, that's sick. Sooo sorry you view people like this, but it was good for a true laugh!!!!!!!!!

    August 18, 2011 at 19:07 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. matt

    I wish my wife could see this article...we haven't had s*x in over 14 months

    August 18, 2011 at 19:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. musallah

    I do not understand this article. In Islam, women are given no say as to what they want or when. Others have made them unhappy by making them think they are equals. In addition, it is good for a man to have many wives so he can ignore one if she is cranky. Insh'allah.

    August 18, 2011 at 20:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      If I didn't respect women as people, I might be tempted to join your religion – seems like there are lots of perks for the men. However, I like my woman to actually WANT to have $ex with me, not just to have no choice in the matter. Probably why I am not a serial rapist.

      August 18, 2011 at 20:07 | Report abuse |
    • KC

      You big faker–shame on you. Go to your room!

      August 18, 2011 at 20:12 | Report abuse |
    • KC

      @Howie I was mocking musallah–not you.

      August 18, 2011 at 20:23 | Report abuse |
  43. Terry Brookman

    I am no longer qualified to answer the question, I have been celibate for twenty years. That my be the result of my four marriages and a girl friend of mine once said that I could walk into a room with a hundred woman in it that desired me, I would leave with the craziest one.

    August 18, 2011 at 20:10 | Report abuse | Reply
    • KC

      Terry, darlin–you ever think it may be YOU???

      August 18, 2011 at 20:24 | Report abuse |
    • In canada

      You know what they say .."crazy in the head, crazy in the bed"

      August 19, 2011 at 08:27 | Report abuse |
  44. JohnnyBravo

    Mary Jane is who im dreamin of. the 1 i adore and the 1 i love. the beautiful baby shes so so sweet my forever lasting love that i always want to keep.

    August 18, 2011 at 20:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Terry Brookman

    Well the last one she couldn't keep her face out of a pile of cocaine and the one before her moved to Atlanta with her boss and his wife, the one before her decided Scientology was the way to go and the first one we had a child die and well things were never right after that.

    August 18, 2011 at 21:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. marilynm

    poor joe

    August 18, 2011 at 21:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. SomeGuy

    My wife and I have been separated for 6 months after 18 years of marriage. We are actively working on it and are at a better place although we still have a ways to go. There are a number of reasons that our relationship reached that point (communication,lifestyle,religion,common interests,views on child rearing, etc), but one area that suffered as a result was our s3x life. In fact, we had been celibate for nearly 4 years until just very recently. Our s3x life was not fantastic from the beginning and I knew that but I loved her and that's all that mattered. She does not have a high libido. I just turned 44 and to this day my libido is very high. Logically I know there is nothing wrong with me. I had experienced steamy relationships prior to my relationship with my wife and I thought from the beginning that our s3x life would improve over time but it hasn't despite the deep connection we once had. Emotionally, I have struggled with the thought that there is something wrong with me and it is a bit humiliating. I believe that after the first 5 years, most of the s3x we've had is charity s3x or 'having children' s3x. A huge problem I have is that over time I have become far more interested in pleasing her than I am in pleasing myself and we reached a point where she was only doing it for me and that just doesn't do it for me. Now that we are attempting to repair our relationship and she has become far more interested in having s3x with me. I have been the one holding back. At this point I have a couple of issues, none are related to my libido. 1) our relationship still needs mending and I am afraid that she is using s3x as a way to do that rather than addressing our more serious issues and 2) while there are many things I still love about her, I am not all that attracted to her anymore. Over the course of our marriage she has gained a lot of weight, now well over 300lbs. She is starting to have physical problems due to her weight. I stopped sleeping with her primarily because her size and related problems made it very difficult to get a good night sleep. I am very fit and exercise nearly every day. I still haven't found a way indirectly or directly to get her to at least attempt to get to a healthier weight. I am not talking about turning her into an athlete ... just a healthy weight. So, I guess my point(s) are that charity s3x is not necessarily a good thing and that while some guys may indeed have low libidos, there may be other factors influencing it.

    August 18, 2011 at 21:52 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Howie

      Dude, run away and don't look back. After 6 months any shock to your children will have started to subside.
      Go live your life, because at 300lbs. she is in the process of ending hers.

      August 18, 2011 at 23:15 | Report abuse |
    • SomeGuy

      It is a very tough deal Howie. First, I'll have to say that my children have responded extremely well to this and I am very active in their lives. A strong motivation for me to separate was that I did not want our children to see us like that. I didn't want them to accept that this was normal for a marriage. I am sure they will have many questions and it will affect them in some way but not only do they seem happy to me but that is consistent with others tell me.

      My wife is a good person with a great big heart. I truly like her and there are many things I love about her. I fear that we will be nothing more than good friends though. I tremendous guilt for not feeling attracted to her. It is not that she is simply overweight ... she has had children, what do you expect? It is that she has become extremely obese and unhealthy because of it. She has slowed down considerably and I had to take on the laundry, shopping, finances and most of the housework despite being the only one working ... in a very demanding and stressful job. She doesn't just have a low libido (which she has always had), she doesn't have any energy and despite not being diabetic yet, she has many of the symptoms in her legs and feet. I have been able to spend more time with my kids after separation than when I lived in the house. I feel guilt and moral ambiguity but I also know that her weight is something she has some control over (her weight is not due to a physical problem). It is up to her to make those changes. It's a mess. Even if I could reconnect with her, can I live the rest of my life knowing that physical intimacy would be sporadic in the best case scenario? Should it matter? What if the shoe is on the other foot? We went nearly 4 years without s3x and I'll tell you that it was extremely difficult and tore me down quite a bit.

      August 19, 2011 at 00:08 | Report abuse |
    • Howie

      Like I said, run. There is no guilt. 4 years of hell was enough, why should you stick around to watch her kill herself with food? 300lbs., is on the way to the graveyard, no ifs ands or buts. Do yourself and your kids a favor and find someone who takes care of herself and can make you happy.

      August 19, 2011 at 09:52 | Report abuse |
  48. Panties

    Okay, people, all I really know is that I NEED SOME.

    August 18, 2011 at 22:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. *frank*

    Reading one of Mr Kerner's pieces is an act of charity.

    August 18, 2011 at 22:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. rh

    If you can't even entertain the idea of having s e x with your partner, you should leave the relationship. Unless your partner is on the exact same page as you.

    Doesn't anyone care whether spouses actually love each other any more? S e x should be more than clipping toenails or flossing your teeth.

    August 18, 2011 at 23:14 | Report abuse | Reply
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