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July 28th, 2011
07:09 AM ET
Is casual sex worth it?Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
In both "Friends With Benefits" (currently playing) and the previously released "No Strings Attached," casual sex is anything but casual. It’s carefully weighed, hotly debated, methodically scrutinized and, of course, comically miscalculated. As in most romantic comedies, the casual sex turns out to be quite committed and just a part of falling in love and living happily ever after. In the movies, blind lust and romantic love often intersect seamlessly, but in reality, casual sex is often an emotional dead-end rather than an on-ramp to relationship bliss. Anthropologist Helen Fisher describes love as a three-phase system: 1) Lust, in which we can attach to anyone. 2) Attraction, in which lust finds its focus and blossoms into romantic love. 3) Attachment, in which romantic love matures into a long-term relationship. Casual sex is often an expression of Phase 1 (lust at its most unfocused), but, unfortunately, many people go into it with the false hope that it will lead to romantic love. And that’s where life does not imitate the movies. That’s not to say that casual sex is a bad thing. It can be loads of fun, as well as a way of trying out new things and practicing your sex skills for that future special person. But casual sex isn’t always so simple. As my colleague Emily Nagoski, author of the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, writes, “Especially when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time, the question of what it is you actually want when you want sex is very complicated indeed. Because what do you want, when you want sex? Do you want to get laid? Do you want a relationship? Do you want love? Do you want revenge? Do you want to rebel? Do you want to get pregnant? ... Then there’s the question of whether or not (and what kind of) sex will get you what you want. Sex will get you laid. Whether or not it gets you a relationship or love or revenge or rebellion or a baby is less certain, and so the decision becomes complicated.” Casual sex has its risks and rewards, although the movies tend to focus more on the risk of falling in love than, say, the very real consequence of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. As the authors of "Sex in America" write of their interviews with more than 3,000 people, “Although we find that large numbers of Americans have had a sexually transmitted disease at least once in their lives, there is nothing random about where the diseases strike … the people who are most likely to be infected share one key characteristic: They have many sex partners.” As it turns out, if a man has two to four sexual partners in his lifetime, his chances of ever having contracted a sexually transmitted infection are about 3%. As the number of partners increases, so does the risk. With more than 20 partners, his risk is about 28%, almost a 1,000% increase. The same rough pattern is true of women, with the spectrum of percentages increasing from 5% to 35%. It should therefore come as no surprise that the more partners a person has had, the more likely it is that he or she has engaged with those partners outside of a monogamous relationship, and that his or her partner falls into a similar pattern of casual sex, thereby greatly increasing the risk of having come into contact with a sexually transmitted infection. Casual sex could trigger a domino effect of risky behaviors. “The more partners an individual has,” according to "Sex in America," “the more likely he or she is to have sex with people who themselves have many partners, the more likely he or she is to have sex with virtual strangers, the more likely she or he is to have been under the influence of drugs or alcohol during some sexual encounters, and while it is more likely that a condom was used, the rate of increased use of a condom does not seem great enough to offset the higher risks of infection.” I’m not trying to scare anyone out of casual sex. As Dr. Alex Comfort had to say in his book "The Joy of Sex," “There is no occasion for panic, or for losing out on the joy of sex - simply informed caution.” So is casual sex worth it? You tell me. Like the recent spate of movies, does it ever have a happy ending? soundoff (1,574 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 Next »Leave a Reply to John
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To do it, or not to do it: That is the question of casual sex - at least as depicted on film.
If you/your partner wears a condom and both participants are ready, willing, and capable of making a decision, then yes. Is it for everyone? No. What is?
Agreed.
Well said. I agree also.
Gee does that mean if a 30 year old man and a 14 year old girl (woman, after all, she is old enough to get an abortion) agree and he wears a condom, then it must be ok
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It's a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lo-la. La la la la Lola.
The answer to this question is obvous, YES, it is worth it.
yeah dude...well put, and Ray Davies figured it out ....1969???
Never. American girls, keep your virginity until like age 20 and sell it to a rich man for $2-3 million. By then, you'll know money is a trash and true love for lifetime by an honorable man is priceless. American boys, if you treat girls lightly, you'll be worthless for the rest of your life. You trash your own life by belittling woman. Life is fair. Get your share.
awwww ♥ the kinks and that song!!!! =D
Yes if she isn't in a hurry, but sometimes the $150 for the hour is way to expensive.
Considering AIDS isn't a death sentence these days I'm not too worried.
YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW...
What if I pray for crop failure?
hehe, i sow alot! thats why i'm not a bitter, angry little person like so many americans ; )
I'm gonna reap wild oats!
Amen, sao.
Says who?!? The Angel of Death is pretty hot, and her rates are great too 😉
Aunt Bee always wanted me.
You wish. Opie.
Its all fun and games until you...
1. Knock someone up / Get knocked up
2. Get HIV, AIDS, the clap, etc
3. You screw with someone who has serious insecurity or mental issues and they try to kill you.
Is it fun? Yeah, when it works out or you're in pr0n. Otherwise, its just another hassle in your life with little pay off.
Sounds like marriage.
I beg to differ when you diss the experience, practice practice practice
UM....PRON? I HAVEN'T HEARD OF THAT POSITION BEFORE....
P0rN is much worse for the wear. STDs are rampant and I've read that those people are royally messed up mentally for anyone choosing this field. No sane person with any character goes into this and allows themselves to be used as garbage. It is especially bad for women because of STDs, cancer, mental health problems, drugs.
I got 99 problems but a b**ch aint one, LoL FWB 4ever
Using a prawn there is just going to give you a bacterial infection....and not to mention it's disturbing.
I sure hope she likes Rock&Roll
from the tone of your posting, it sounds like you're a christian!
no wonder they have so many defectors.
As I wrote in my book "How to Exploit News Consumers and Make Megabucks from Kickbacks," "Plug as many of your friends' books as you can when you write on CNN's weekly health blog, The Chart. Make sure and charge them no less than 20 per cent commissions. They will thank you for the privilege."
Bible banger, there's few problems with your statement. First, during the time Jesus was alive, "Paul The Apostle" was Saul of Tarsus and would have given anything to have stoned the "blasphemer" Yeshua Bar Yosef.
Jesus didn't have a physical relationship with woman on Earth because it would have screwed up prophesy. He can be the "final" and "eternal" king of Israel if he knocks Mary Magdeline up.
And Just Jim...that's a stupid question posed by "fundimental christians" with no doctrinal background. Jesus DOES what ever was preordained in council of God in Eternity Past Before the foundations of the world.
Also, take in to consideration that Jesus can do anything he wants and its not sin since he is not subject to himself.
But he is subject to his father. And I hear he's a stern old fashion fellow.
Bible Banger,
Paul never met Jesus in person. Read Bible first before made any comments.
@Theophilus, you are misinformed. Paul met Jesus in person several times. Read the four Gospels and the Book of Acts. The Paul's words in NT are the will of Jesus(God).
@Theophilus, Paul met Jesus in person several times. Read the Gospels and Acts. Paul's word in NT is the will of Jesus.
I think we all know the answer to that question. But some people tend to be very self-centered and denial of the truth serves them well.
I see no probem with it...neither do many woman
s e x is s e x – if that's what you want it to be then that's what it will be...but i will tell you first hand that women do not know the slightest bit what this means...they always attach feelings..however i try not to..only to my girlfriend who i fully plan on being with for a long time..
my last "casual" encounter lasted about a year and she went bonkers...but we discussed it prior that nothing would come of it...her fault and SHE WAS FINE!!!
s e x is s e x – truly caring for someone is leaps and bounds above just s e x.
Just be careful...like the 76 other haters before me mentioned... diseases..
Was your "last encounter" while you were with your girlfriend? why would you commit adultery/ How do you know the other person is fine?
Was your "last encounter" while you were with your girlfriend? why would you commit adultery? How do you know the other person is fine?
Look Adultery is what a couple defines it as. Not what you define it as.
Simple answer....Yes.
Latex does wonders.
amen for latex! who hooo!!
latex does NOT protect against GENITAL HERPES. and GH is NOT curable. EVERRRRRR.... you need to get better educated on this. for your sake and others.
unless you or your partner are allergic to it, then you buy non-latex products. Also, don't use any oil or oil based products because that can wear away at latex. But, yes, latex has worked wonders for many people.
Don't feed Bible Banger. He lives off replies to his comments. Instead, treat him as we're treated by Congress, ignore him.
It depends on what she looks like and how good she is.
Or if your friends find out.
is it worth it? He L L yes! whooo!! bang away. be safe.
I thought only Fox News did these worthless articles that pander to the perverted masses?
*Zips up pants* Ummmm....no we don't.
CNN needs to cut into Fox's market share.
Fox wouldn't be caught dead doing an article like this, it's positively un-Christian.
NO. It is never worth it.
Totally agree. Much love, sister!
get nailed.
My children -I am sooooo Proud of you...this is exactly how I wanted it to be for the 21st century...keep the fun and the std's going....
Sd.,
Satane
What a thrill to reply to you, O Dark Overlord. Just for once I'd like to see one of these casual s*x articles say, "Slap on a condom and you're good to go."
@blinky-My child , u do not know me...i poke holes in everything... remember I love to have fun....remember I fooled Eve?
Oh come one Satan only weak minded morons believe that story
neither hand has ever turned me down, never got an std from rightie or leftie...what the HE double hockey sticks are you talking about????Satan
If you answered "No" to the question posed at the end of the article, please let the rest of us know what brand of batteries you use so we know whose stock to buy.
Thanks.
If you answered "No" to the question posed at the end of the article, please let the rest of us know what brand of batteries you use so we know whose stock to buy.
Thanks
Saw the show on Monday, Oct 24th in Colorado. It was AMAZING!!! I was blown away. I was very impressed by the pace of the show and the itnnesity with which all of the dancers performed. I sat in the 7th row and could clearly see that each and every dancer gave his/her all throughout the entire performance. Way to go guys!!! You rock!
Sorry, meant the other comment for general post, not reply to yours.
Casual encounters are the only kind worth having.
In term of getting laid – Hugh Hefner is much better than you. Your brother is better than you. You're not as rich as bill gates. You're not a king at your prom. so you're nothing!!! i said it again nothing.
Now get back to work, o wait you're unemployed.
Umm... yes.
Oh, didn't you know French women don't shave? It's true!
Something odd about that picture...did the woman's legs get switched over?
@LemmyK – I think they call that cuddling. And in this case it was probably after reverse cowgirl.
Ian Kerner is a d i c k.
I love the way people talk about Jesus and the Bible as if they were real. The Bible is nothing more than a collection of ... nothing really. its just pure garbage. not one thing in the bible ever actually happened. sort of like the Harry Potter novels. Jesus was most likely not even a real human being just a fictiona l person like Han solo.
you are to harsh, 50% Jesus exists 50% he doesn't – take your bet.
But one thing I can tell you:
Your brother is better than you,
bill gates is richer than you.
Hugh hefner better than you in getting laid.
.. the list can getting very long..
the point is you are nothing, just nothing
Now get to back to work
Oh sure and dinosaurs exist only in 3D movies. And Batman was your dad. And you know what it takes.
Amen! Or, maybe I should say, right on!
Yes!
PaulieJ...No problemo.
What would Scooby do?
I rount know. Have some Scooby snacks?
Damn I banged a random chick last night!
Damn I banged a random chick last night! She was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If i post it twice and use too many letters people might believe it haaaaaaaaaaaaaaappened. Poor spelling and exaggerations hurt everybody, and now we all think you're a virgin.
Yes.
It's the truth. We are all going to die. So what's the big deal?
I don't know if God exists or not – never seen one – 50% chance he exists and 50% chance he doesn't- take your bet.
If you think it's worth the trouble go for it. but I don't think it's worth even if you have casual s.e.x twice a week for the rest of your life. it's still less than 0.01% of your total lifetime, so you have 99.99% of your time doing other better things.
for only 0.01% of my total time I would prefer worry free encounter – e.g. getting married to the right person
5 minutes of Arnold Schwarzenegger casual s.e.x turn into years of trouble. (think with head – not the other head 😉 )
I like this!These ladies are hanivg a good time and not taking themselves too seriously. If I lived by this place, I'd go buy from there just to show my respect for these awesome little businesses where people still give a damn.I'll take a low budget commercial with real employees showing real enthusiasm and personality over an HD bit with failed actresses flashing their fake grins and talking about something they don't know anything about any day.
I have no family and I am single. The best thing is getting some from some randoms.
casual ffuggin is great, esp when you're married!
Such a special discussion: The epitome of the banal and mundane – billions of primates looking for the next orgasm.
What could be more important on this planet than having your toes curl and eyes roll backwards for a few seconds?
Yawn, excuse me, I've got things to do with my pre-frontal cortex, rather than the reptilian part of my brain.
Such a special discussion: The epitome of the banal and mundane – billions of primates looking for the next orgasm.
What could be more important on this planet than having your toes curl and eyes roll backwards for a few seconds?
Yawn, excuse me, I've got things to do with my pre-frontal cortex, rather than the reptilian part of my brain.
This.
There is no god.
The question left hanging in your comment is "is." You presume that God either exists or does not exist for God to be the subject such that God "is" or is not. But God is not explained by reference to a material world where something is or is not. So you are logically correct in terms of your point of reference – there is no God. But you are universally wrong. God is the Creator retains God as the non-subject but God's works as the Creation. You should say something more like – God is not the creator of all things – this comment would be logical and lay the ground work for refuting the notion of God.
Most all you gold diigging female want $$ involved before you sleep with anyone!!!!
The epitome of the banal and mundane – billions of primates looking for the next orgasm.
Having your toes curl and eyes roll backwards for a few seconds – what could be more profound on this planet?
Yawn, excuse me, I've got things to do with my pre-frontal cortex, rather than the reptilian part of my brain.
No. You don't. Liar.
I can't believe how this article became a statement about jesus. so weird
When it comes to morals, you have to consider religious beliefs. To have religious beliefs you have to have Jesus. So simple even an atheist can understand, if not agree.
Yep, let me know 20 years from know how is it going for you, unless you're dead before then.
by the way your brother is better than you, and you're not even as rich as Bill Gates and you were not even a King at your prom such a loser.
in term of getting laid Hugh Hefner is better than you. (my mistake, you are better than primate Mr. Hefner he just lasted 2 seconds)
Hell ya, for casual...who wants to kiss him good-bye?
You can try to "set expectations" from the start , but that doesn't necessarily mean you'll be on the same page or that you'll be respected. I flat out told men that it was OK for them to see multiple people, and to just be honest and tell me their intentions with me. Several men felt they still needed to lie and tell me that they aren't seeing anyone else, that they only like to see one girl at a time, etc. It was frustrating that they felt they had to be someone else around me. And it made the s_x way less exciting.
From my experience, it truly is a mans game. These "boys" who sleep around are intimidated by a smart woman who knows what she wants. If you are a bimbo, you make perfect bait because you'll latch on to them and play their game, wonder why they are such a$$-holes but still hold onto hope that they like you in some way.
When I came out of my last relationship, it was my goal to see as many guys as I could. I had multiple dates during the week. It was fun at first but after a few months it began to lose its appeal. Most of these guys wouldn't even speak to me unless it was strictly for s_x, like they wouldn't want to be seen in public; go out for dinner or a drink. I had a one night stand with a guy from my work and even though NO ONE knew about it, he wouldn't even look at me or say hi! And he told me if I wanted to meet him, it would have to be in a nightclub. Like W.T.F? And nothing is more degrading than recieving text messages that just say "wanna fuuuck?" ... like not even hello or how are you?
I thought I was on top of the world when I had a three-some with a couple college boys. But during the s_x they began to act like d00che-bags (high fiving eachother, making inside jokes and giggling). That was when I said enough and stopped seeing anyone for a few weeks (except for the 'regular' minions that always stuck around).
I met a nice new guy shortly after, it didn't work out but I realised then that I wanted to be in a relationship again. I cut off all ties, one by one. The one guy who did respect me, was just taking care of a messy drunk anyways and he had no personality whatsoever. Such a BORE to hang out. Good riddance.
The next guy I met, I had no intention of dating. I just wanted s_x with a cute young sailor, I had seen him around before. and he wanted the same of me. But he turned out to be the sweetest person I ever met. And we've been together for several months now ;)... and I gotta say, relationships>casual s_x.
As for STD's, regular STD checks are helpful as well as protection! Use a rubber or you are guaranteed to get something, big or small. It spreads like wildfire.
Make sure you keep your promiscuous lifestyle to yourself once you find the "right" guy. Any good guy would not be able to tolerate looking at you every day, knowing your history.
Oh BTW, condoms provide little protection against The Herps. Once the satchel rubs your taint, you are going to end up with some sores way south, and in 20 years you are the next Farrah Fawcett with her special type of cancer.
"Any good guy would not be able to tolerate looking at you every day, knowing your history." - bullsh!t. Any good guy would understand the coherent, intelligent explanation you posted. Jumping from relationship to relationship looking for the "right" partner is senseless. Have fun, be careful, and don't worry about relationships until you find someone you like on a deeper level.
Me think you a boy in a dress with a vivid imagination. Too many sailors to mention.