 |
|||||||||||
|
|||||||||||
June 9th, 2011
08:21 AM ET
Go ahead - 'sext' your spouseIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
In an earlier post for The Chart, I talked about Internet infidelity and how it’s accelerating at a record pace. With its easy accessibility and novelty, the Internet enables us to easily tune out and turn off to our partners, when we should be making an effort to tune in and turn on. Real relationships take time and patience, whereas sexting a stranger or engaging in a flirtatious Facebook friendship brings us a quick thrill and requires a lot less work. And the more technology becomes a personal accessory that renders us always on, the more likely we are to become novelty seekers in search of the next ping. We live in an era when many consider sexual infidelity to be the ultimate personal betrayal. But there are those who believe that if infidelity doesn’t involve a physical component, it’s not really cheating—and that’s just not true. The accessibility of the Internet means that we need to be more vigilant of emotional infidelity, and seemingly benign activities that nonetheless have a sexual and secretive component. In her seminal book on emotional infidelity, "Not Just Friends," the late psychotherapist Shirley Glass implores readers to “maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.” She contends than an emotional affair is marked by three distinguishing qualities: - Close friendship and emotional intimacy. An emotional affair often begins as friendship and gradually drifts into something more. While friendship alone isn’t enough to qualify as cheating, a feeling of shared closeness and understanding is the starting point for an emotional affair. - Sexual attraction. An emotional affair is fueled by feelings of attraction between two people. - Secrecy. Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. In an emotional affair, each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner. We’re all living, breathing sexual beings. Attraction doesn’t end once we’re in a relationship. Even the most happily coupled people are going to feel the familiar buzz of attraction when someone catches their eye or laughs at one of their jokes. And as I discussed in another column for The Chart on negotiated monogamy, some couples are even willing to expand the boundaries of flirtation and accepted behavior within their relationship. Relationships often start out in the “fast lane,” but eventually we find a comfortable cruising speed in the middle lane, and sometimes switch over to the slow lane. Some relationships run out of fuel altogether, and every couple needs a jump-start every now and then. Instead of seeking that jolt of excitement from outside your relationship, make more of an effort to seek it within. As I discuss in my book "52 Weeks of Amazing Sex," “Technology can be a powerful way to enhance a relationship: Sexting, engaging in phone sex, playing on Skype, and sending flirty emails are all great”— just do them with your partner, not with your Twitter followers. |
  About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love. Recent Comments
 |
||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||
Is “sexting” really cheating? Well, if, like Congressman Anthony Wiener, you’re married and sexting someone other than your spouse (and without your partner’s knowledge or approval), of course it is!
If you married someone, and are not (any longer/have replaced with hobbies, kids, friends) interested in him/her physically or emotionally, what was the big push to get married?
As with my ex-boyfriend, the push to be in a relationship is often social "status". He sees single people are lesser beings than those who are in outwardly happy and monogamous relationships. He also sees divorce as a huge personal failure. He was a serial cheat with his previous girlfriend and is deeply insecure about himself ("do people really like me?", etc.). While he did love me, it was more because it made him look and feel good about himself; he often said he liked to show me off. While this is just one data point, I think it reflects why many people choose to be in relationships.
22 years (or even 2 years) can bring a lot of changes that both partners dont necessarily go thru together. Not to mention some gals get tired of giving it away for free and need to have the emotional contract drawn up so there is an equitable exchange of needs for both partners.
A real marriage is about tolerance and acceptance. If you marry for the wrong reasons then you deserve to have a failed marriage.
@ Lukezskywalk
You are absolutely right!
I tend to think most marriages nowadays are for all the wrong reasons. Let alone our surreal expectations, which add to the mess some people get themselves into.
But where would Earthlings be if they couldn't make mistakes (and hopefully learn from them!)!
@LP 100 – Your statement is the TYPICAL Ignorant American coput...society made me do it! Did Society hold a gun to your head? Are you not capable of thinking for and arriving at a decision (any decision) for yourself? God forbid that YOU should actually take responsibility for anything (least of all your own life and happiness). I am so sick and tired of hearing people everywhere blame someone or something else for everything wrong with their lives, politics, the economy...and take undeserved credit for what goes "right". Wake up and smell the roses. The glory days are GONE and in this new age where China, not the US is the world's superpower, an actively thinking mass of grey and white matter cells (aka YOUR BRAIN) is the social currency. So if you want to get in the game, LP100 and everyonbe else like him/her, start exercising your cerebellum. For most Americanbs unfortunately, that's an alien concept!!
bertha. If you read LP100's post, she's not placing blame on anyone. She was merely stating and example of why someone might be in a relationship. I don't think she was actually blaming anyone at all for that failed relationship. She didn't even say that her boyfriend cheated on her, so how you can come out and say that she was blaming someone else for something is interesting.
I don't think not taking responsibility for something is an American concept, nor is not using your 'cerebellum' as you put it. It's a human concept found all over the world. In South Korea they've had a number of parents arrested for neglect when there kid dies because they were playing computer games.
Don't attack me for blaming someone else, the above was just an example of another group of people not using their 'gray and white matter cells'.
For a second there, I was afraid this wasn't just a disguised advertisement, and you weren't going to try to sell us your book. But you managed to pull it out at the end, so Good Job!
Well, she's dead, so I doubt that she is trying to sell anything.
The author cited a book by a late psychotherapist, but also mentions HIS book in the last paragraph of the article.
All the betrayed folks out there can thank the internet (facebook, twit, etc) for making our world a world of electronic strange to be had with the simple click of a few keys...easier than ordering a pizza sometimes. I dont see how its any surprise to folks when we applaud and slobber over websites like facebook. Its not the websites fault exactly, but its readily available and almost anyone can use it. I will never touch FB or Twit or any of those loser sites (yeah yeah yeah the sites have their purposes to keep in touch with family ...blah blah blah). People cant even spell properly anymore. Oh well, i know im in the minority but people cant even see what is happening all around them. Enjoy your divorce lawyers when you meet them.
Really? Because my wife didn't meet her boyfriend through the internet, so I should blame work places, bars and friends with benefits, right?
Amen.
Exactly! because people never cheated before the internets! You are definately going somewhere in life! Maybe you should stop looking at internet P0rn and get out of the house once in a while
Well said, Meh: the lack of intimacy in a world mediated by electronic communications, not even a voice, allows the quick high of being loved for an instant, a cocaine-kick or whatever the equivalent, so the standard is a lack of maturity, an inability to delay gratification, to care for the 'other' in a meaningful fashion that requires sacrifice, patience, sensitivity and commitment...so reality shows are a hit, live vicariously since you are frozen in the fear of living in the hear-and-now and are responsible for how you behave and it's effect on the 'other': facebook et al, TV, the cell phone, the personals written to seduce and infatuate (oneself), someone might really believe it and validate your narcissism...'cool man', is so depressingly empty of any human engagement, it amounts to luck, the buck, the quick f–k, the world run amok: taste it, toss it, then trumpet-it...here is the depression of emotions, the economy, the idealized existence that is validated by a tweet.
Meh – I used to think just like you...about the internet, Facebook, etc. But after years, I gave in...in order to reach out to this awesome missionary group that came to our church. Facebook was the only way to keep in touch with them...well, after a few weeks on facebook...I reunited with an old friend of mine...(after 19 years of not seeing each other)....we dated three times and then decided that we really loved each other and now as adults...we had so many things in common..we just got married a few months ago. My point is...you never know what you're missing unless you try..you never know what you may find out there in the real world. =)
Uh, you realize you can't spell either, don't you, Meh?
there really is no 'one place' where cheating occurs. Facebook seems to me a very superficial place, where it is more about maintaining a public personality than posting intimate stuff. So I don't think social media is any more to blame than any other venue.
Mushoo- You must be the spelling police or a person that has nothing good to say.
Mushoo only pointed out Meh's spelling because Meh made a point of saying that "people can't even spell anymore". Glass houses, people!
I join you in the minority, Meh!
Well, that's all fine and dandy. But when you have a spouse that wont LET you be close, none of this advice does any good. The best I can get is a little lip service to the idea of intimacy, and I'm frankly tired of leaving myself open indefinitely. If boomerangs never came back, people would have quit throwing them, and this is one boomerang that's going to lay where it is.
Why are you still married?
I feel for you. Just hanging out being left to dry is a lonely and painful experience.
See a marriage counselor, and try to get your spouse to go with you. Your marriage is worth saving.
Go ahead and send flirty texts, but good Lord, please don't send a dirty pic – any time those pictures get released into the wonderful world of wires, that's just asking for trouble. Gmail's been hacked, former Kate Middleton's phone was hacked....if you're going to do something like that for your spouse, do it the old-fashioned way where it can't get into the wrong person's hands (purposely or accidentally).
yeah cause the people who hacked kate middletons phone have been just dying to get into yours
Are these actually sel-help articles or article length book advertisements?
As with everything else in life, each person's situation has to be considered individually, there are no blanket or one-size-fits-all answers, condemnations or fixes. And while the internet does make things faster and more convenient, none of this behavior is new. Its been going on for centuries using the available media of the times.
Well said. I just don't like the "celebs" that do it knowingly to get attention & fame... making it seem popular to tweens and high schoolers.
My husband didn't need the internet to have an emotional affair for over 20 years before I found out. So now it's my turn and this time the internet was used with a man I knew when I was 17, that never let me go after all this time.(30years)
30 years??? Ok, no offense, but he sounds a bit "off" to me.......30 years on a high school memory is NOT normal.
why not just get a divorce? do you really think having an affair is morally justifiable since your husband had one first? here's a clue, it's not...
Valerie how is that not normal? There are studies that show that the first loves, in the teenage years are the most powerful connection we can make, due to hormones in part. I haven't seen (but I've chatted with) my high school sweetheart in over 13 years and I still have parts of me who remember him fondly, as he does when it concerns me. Connections aren't always severed so easily, nor should they.
just because your husbnd cheated doesn't give you the right to... if you want reveng divorce him and take everything. or not, but don'tdo it out of spite... be the better person.
Nothing better than a young hot little thing. Good job! And f***ck what your husband thinks
In addition, my husband can keep his hands off me and does, he also tells me that kissing is for the bedroom only. I've had 2 years of therapy just to deal with years of his verbal and emotional abuse. He's been in therapy also, but in his mind he thinks he's doing better, he's so stubborn.
I had to quit my job and had a nervous breakdown when I found out, and had to go on anti depressants, all this because he did no wrong..... WTH??? I was out of work for 11 months, but thankfully, found an awesome job in June of 2010.
I'm not doing this for spite, I'm doing this because I've been starving for so long. I haven't had *ex with this person-he adores me and sees me for what I am and doesn't critisize me at all. He's always there for me. He compliments me all the time.
Back when I was 17(he was 20), we did not "date" per se,we just hung out with a large group of people, and I had my eye on him for a long time but nothing ever came about.(since he was involved with someone) I just made a fool of myself back then and chased him. He ended marrying his long time girlfriend(though none of us thought it was right) and is still married to her, though very unhappy.
oh and he thouht there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, even though he lied to my face about it.
oh and he thought there was nothing wrong with what he was doing-after he admitted. Before that he lied to my face.
This is a stupid question since it's not yours to answer. Cheating is really in the eye of the beholder. If you want to know if it's cheating, ask your spouse or partner. If you think that the question itself is too touchy, then you already have your answer.
I just sent my wife a picture of a weiner. Aw, it was in a bun and had catsup on it. What? When did that get to be illegal?
Thats hot
Hot? It was fresh from the minit mart.
Just what the heck is "catsup"?
catsup is ketchup....or to be more precise, the condiment that evolved into ketchup. Original catsup was fish based instead of tomato based.
Is it wrong that I've been hungry for a hot dog all week?
The last time i was in prison (last year) they told me "dont drop the soap u might get booty bumped" and guess what "I dropped the soap and got booty bumped " !!
i literally laughed at my desk after reading this
Hey bloggers check out my blog on the voices in my head blog page and you'll find out why my user name is " i rock " !
Let me guess... the blog is hosted on a server inside your head, right?
The thing that the author fails to add...and what is missed in most therapy...is that the advice they give is fine so long as both partners are on board. Sure it's great to fire up your relationship, make your spouse the only person you share emotions with, etc., but, back in the real world, there are plenty of spouses who don't want to do all the things the author is suggesting and yet the other spouse is left in the position of either going unfulfilled in life, getting a divorce or having an emotional affair. All three choices are bad and the partner who has to make the choice was not the one who caused the problem in the first place. Articles such as this are one are like saying to a starving person with no food...why don't you just eat something that will solve your problem. Not so easy.
Well said. Might I add it is a painful experience to be the rejected, ignored and despondent spouse.
Right, so now we can all say that the old photos we sent to other people were all part of the batch we sent to her. I get it now, this could actually work. It's either that or get a new phone and just throw this one away. Weiner, you messed with us all. We can't even lay our phones down on the kitchen table anymore. Thanks!.
53xting is kinds lame, now the stuff you can do with your spouse over Skype or Facetime, well, it's much more fun.
why do people need all these games and crap all the time? been married 10 years and we can't keep our hands off each other. make an effort to stay in shape and be physically appealing to your spouse and nature will take care of itself.
Could no agree more – too many folks do not do anything after they make their marriage contract with a spouse to stay in shape or to try to be as intimate as they were when dating. For critics, spare me the "I work all day, am too tired, kids were a mess, etc." – is divorce cheaper or better?
This is one of the reasons people start to look elsewhere and potentially stray.
Yes relationships take some time and effort, on both parties part, sorry no one told the others this or they chose not to listen.
Agreed! My parents have been married for 41 years and their relationship is similar to yours. They have always told us that everyone that goes into marriage without believing that it involves a great deal of daily work and maintenance is in for the rudest awakening. I'm in my 20's and frankly it's disheartening to realize that we can use all this technology to establish a false sense of connection and intimacy with another human being that you have no connection to in real time. It's as if we're trying to use all these techie shortcuts to get us to a sounder emotional place yet in our day to day lives we don't want to invest the time or effort at honest communication with another person in order to attain true (and perhaps lasting) intimacy. Maybe it's a question of expediency, (emotional) laziness or opportunity that we resort to using things like Facebook, Twitter, Skype etc to maintain connections we've already established, but I still firmly hold that as much as I respect and honor the written word and digital pictures, nothing can take the place of something more tangible(and real) in nature.
Couldn't agree more. We didn't marry until this year. Lived together for six years, been together for nearly 12. Still the same as we were in high school and have gone through rough times together. The good, the bad, and the truly ugly during layoffs. If you don't love your spouse, don't marry them!
Personally I think there is something wrong if your marriage never went beyond physical attractiveness.
Agreed! Marriage is work, as is everything worth having in life. I've been married for 6 years, and been wth him for 13... and it is still going strong!
Miked, good for you. But some people think that flirting is fun, too. Believe it or not, good looking people can also enjoy turning each other on with words.
I'm sorry, this article made me giggle. It made me think of the old saying of lock up your wife, sisters, and daughters. This felt like Christian scare tactics.
But it is okay for a woman to get lost in their romantic novels with all kinds of suggestive and point-blank descriptions.
You have never had a fantasy? Never got an erection when watching a movie? By your logic, you are cheating.
I can't believe this guy is published! He actually thinks that cheating is okay if the spouse knows about it, "consensual" BS. Couples that go down that road are doomed. Love and cherish your spouse and as the days of excitement fade look forward to the days where you have a deeper and stronger connection with someone that you will be with for the rest of your life. The excitement of a first date or kiss pales in comparison to a 20 year old marriage bonded with love and commitment.
This is so very SICK !
Once again,CNN, You are at the forefront of promoting everything that is vile in American pop culture.!
To 'normalize' any promotion of such a practice is very disturbing.
Alright there Cotton Mather. If you think that is vile, then you obviously need educated on the wonders of the Internet. Better stay away from that Internet, might give grandpa a heart attack.
Once that message leaves you computer/phone it anyones guess where it will end up, and may come back to haunt you. Ask Tiger woods, Weiner, Bret Farve.
Spot on, David. I work for a well-known computer security vendor, and there is *no way* I send anything like that. Besides preferring to deliver the message in person, as it were, for many (most?) users, the question isn't "Will they become the victim of an account compromise?" but "When will they become the victim of a compromise?" When that happens, there goes your personal stuff...
Only losers send racy pictures of themselves over the Internet.That's where email goes, by the way, over the Internet. Use your voice and a phone line - it's a bit less risky.
Haha is it just me or does the guy in the picture at the top of this article have an erection?
It's just you.
What duechwaffle would put personal things onto the public domain.
Well my ex hit all 4...what a winner!
So you're saying you can't have close friendships with strong emotional bonds or you're cheating? Empty superficial acquaintances. Yeah, that's a recipe for a fulfilling life. What a crock. This guy is doing harm.
Boy oh boy, those relationships and marriages. So beautiful love is yet so many don't know how to hold on to it let alone give it. Someone once told me something that has been with me for many years now. They simply summed it up with "options"; the reason most relationships or marriage never last. The analogy went as such; you're in the shampoo aisle and yet with so many brands stretching a whole row its hard to pick a shampoo. Simply because you have too many options and the same mindset of "options" is cared out in many marriages and relationships. The "option" to quiet in the relationship, "option" to lie; option to give up because its often easier. The "option" to see other people. Its all about eliminating the "option". See now a days people are so quick to leave a relationship because they know they can find someone else and start all over. And so the cycle continues.
This guy is out of his mind. ive been married for 25 years. it takes alot of work. and any kind of straying be it in cyberspace or the real world is CHEATING. Marriage is made of trust sacrifice compromise and above all Love and respect. My marriage has survived thru war and miscarrages stillborn cancer loss of site. So dont tell me it cant be done with just the 2 of u we have proved it can and it IS WORTH EVERY DAY I HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE!!!
when the mystery goes away, love goes away. its the mystery we are after. alwats keep the mystery and stay away from routine. the butterflies will always exist then.
@LP 100 – Your statement is the TYPICAL Ignorant American coput...society made me do it! Did Society hold a gun to your head? Are you not capable of thinking for and arriving at a decision (any decision) for yourself? God forbid that YOU should actually take responsibility for anything (least of all your own life and happiness). I am so sick and tired of hearing people everywhere blame someone or something else for everything wrong with their lives, politics, the economy...and take undeserved credit for what goes "right". Wake up and smell the roses. The glory days are GONE and in this new age where China, not the US is the world's superpower, an actively thinking mass of grey and white matter cells (aka YOUR BRAIN) is the social currency. So if you want to get in the game, LP100 and everyonbe else like him/her, start exercising your cerebellum. For most Americanbs unfortunately, that's an alien concept!!
Why do you have to think about s-e-x all the time? There are so much to discover, appreciate, and enjoy in this world. You are fooled to waste the precious few decades on earth that you need s-e-x to be fulfilled. There are many ways to overcome loneliness, grief, sorrow and boredom. Your forefathers weren't so obsessed. Let's get balanced. Get some better perspectives on life. S-e-x is useless if it does not accompany true love. True love is not possible with selfish, obsessed species. Go with true love or forget s-e-x. Humans are made far better than being occupied with s-e-x.
We need a less s-e-x addicted generations now in order to protect the new generations of children. The preasent Westernized, hedonistic generations are too dangerous to the oncoming new generations of children. Way too polluted.
testing. CNN, why do you suck up some comments without even a trace?
http://Www.chartroom.online.comneed a date
PLEASE DON'T READ THIS YOU WILL GET KISSED ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.HOWEVER IF YOU DON'T POST THIS COMMENT TO AT LEAST 3 POSTS YOU WILL DIE WITHIN 2 DAYS.NOW YOU STARTED READING THIS DON'T STOP THIS IS SO SCARY.SEND THIS OVER TO 5 POSTS IN 143 MINUTES.WHEN YOUR'E DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR ON THE SCREEN IN BIG LETTERS.THIS IS SO SCARY CAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS!!!!
Read more: How to Have a Simultaneous Orgasm – How to Climax at the Same Time – Cosmopolitan
comment system stinks
Ugh. Something in my nicely written comment won't go through, even though it appears to.
Short version: you take a pic of yourself and text it, you don't own it anymore. You don't control who has access to it, where/how long it's stored, who might hack it and post it on the web. Keep the private stuff private, don't text it.
Yes there should realize the opportunity to RSS commentary, quite simply, CMS is another on the blog.
Sext my spouse? no thanks
Mp3 download
Dope post thanks for sharing