home
RSS
Dealing with bedroom boredom
June 2nd, 2011
08:12 AM ET

Dealing with bedroom boredom

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

In my experience as a sexuality counselor and founder of GoodinBed.com, roughly 25% of people are significantly bored in their relationships and another 25% are somewhat bored.

Of course it stands to reason that life can’t always be filled with fireworks and that a little bit of boredom every now and then is only to be expected. But what about when a general sense of malaise settles in - when you’re not necessarily unhappy in your relationship, but you’re not particularly excited either?

Relationship boredom may not be dramatic, but it can be dangerous if left unattended.

Boredom is like an attack on a relationship’s immunity system - once weakened we’re all the more susceptible to a cascade of ailments.

For example, it’s estimated that 25% of people who cheat do so due to boredom, and people who are bored in their relationships are also more vulnerable to emotional infidelity as well. Human beings are innate novelty-seekers, and our brains’ reward systems are wired to seek out new experiences. If we can’t get our thrills from within our relationships, then we’ll seek them without.

Professor Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University has spent a lifetime studying the science of marital satisfaction and has observed that novelty stimulates the transmission of dopamine and norepinephrine - two neurotransmitters that also play a key role in the exhilaration of early romantic love.

According to Aron’s research those couples in long term relationships that make a conscious effort to do exciting things together end up having a higher degree of marital satisfaction than those couples who just do pleasant and familiar things together. In essence, we can tap our brain’s “romantic love” system to stave off relationship boredom.

While many people tend to blame their partners for their relationship boredom, it turns out that those individuals who are bored in their current relationships were often bored in previous relationships.

So relationship boredom may have less to do with the person we’re with than the person we are. That’s why it’s so important to maintain your individuality in your relationship. From your career, to your friends, to maintaining your own personal passions and interests, being part of a strong couple requires being a strong individual.

As we discussed earlier, it’s important to keep things fresh outside the bedroom, but it’s also important to try new things in the bedroom.

At Good in Bed, we’ve found that the majority of people who express being bored in their relationships are also entirely interested in trying something new in the bedroom to combat boredom. Start with sharing a fantasy, and if you need some help jump-starting the excitement check out our book "52 Weeks of Amazing Sex," in which we offer a different creative scenario for every week of the year.

Sure there’s a time and place for “comfort sex,” but, again, marital contentment seems to favor those couples who make an effort to do exciting activities together versus just pleasant activities.

At the end of the day, it's easy to feel like there's nothing new under the sun to possibly talk about with your partner. But when you're feeling this way - nodding and half-listening, with no real interest in how your partner's day went - it’s a good sign that relationship boredom is settling in and that you need to shake things up.

Don’t wait for boredom to develop into a bigger drama, instead start creating a little drama with your partner.

Check out these options for your mediocre marriage from CNN.com.


soundoff (65 Responses)
  1. AGuest9

    Aha. They are selling a book. Anyway, with someone who looks like she does, no wonder he's surfing p0rn, or checking the score of the Lakers game, in bed.

    June 2, 2011 at 09:11 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      If one doesn't like the way their partner looks, whose fault is that, really?

      Just wondering.........

      June 2, 2011 at 09:29 | Report abuse |
    • Mikey

      I'd hit that.

      June 2, 2011 at 10:57 | Report abuse |
    • ali

      You're accusing her of being unattractive? Did you completely miss his mullet?

      June 2, 2011 at 12:47 | Report abuse |
    • Johnny

      Are you referring to the girl in the picture? I don't know what standards you have, but she is very hot!

      June 2, 2011 at 13:55 | Report abuse |
    • oneHigginsD@hotmail.com

      Those of us who LIKE Women find the one in this picture very attractive.

      June 2, 2011 at 21:52 | Report abuse |
  2. Randy Newman

    Leave your hat on.

    June 2, 2011 at 09:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. Bubba

    Here we go again with everyone fantasizing about my wife.

    June 2, 2011 at 09:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Brad Pitt

    Angelina reads in bed these days.

    June 2, 2011 at 09:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. Bubs

    Thanks for the sneaky advertisement. I'm running to the bookstore right now. Right.

    June 2, 2011 at 09:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Jennifer

    women get just as bored in bed as men

    June 2, 2011 at 10:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Just a Dog

    I'm not bored...just greddy. Need it everyday.

    June 2, 2011 at 11:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. Tom

    Boredom is not the fault of the partner. It is a character flaw in the person who is bored. Either they chose the wrong person prematurely and cannot admit the failure of the choosing process, or they will get bored with anyone eventually. Probably the latter.

    June 2, 2011 at 11:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. Girl in the picture

    Im not wearing any panties and he's playing Everquest....

    June 2, 2011 at 11:43 | Report abuse | Reply
    • yum

      Phone number please!

      June 2, 2011 at 13:40 | Report abuse |
    • Sue

      Yep. Been there.

      June 2, 2011 at 14:47 | Report abuse |
  10. erich2112x

    Couple of beers and a J, some snacks, turn on the TV, and your set.

    June 2, 2011 at 11:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. J_Koz

    with lips like those you'd think she'd be good to go – maybe a blindfold and some velvet ties.

    He looks clueless – self absorbed and hopeless. But hey – more for me.

    June 2, 2011 at 12:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Jorge

    Maybe they've been eating too much American processed supermarket crap or fast-food shmeat and their hormone levels have creaked. If so, in a few more years she'll be 300 lbs. riding around in one of the handicap hoverounds at Walmart and he'll be collecting guns and taking Avandia just so he can pee standing up.

    June 2, 2011 at 14:26 | Report abuse | Reply
    • ser

      beautifully stated.....

      June 2, 2011 at 14:37 | Report abuse |
    • Adiemus

      That was priceless.

      June 2, 2011 at 16:36 | Report abuse |
    • erich2112x

      Logical but bitter, and certainly funny as h-ll.

      June 2, 2011 at 18:59 | Report abuse |
  13. Schmendrick the Magician

    Vodka/redbull And anal beads always make for an interesting evening

    June 2, 2011 at 15:20 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jorge

      You forgot the EKG electrode cream, soldered pennies and toy train transformer...

      June 3, 2011 at 12:07 | Report abuse |
  14. wndz

    I believe women should never denied themselfs to their husbands unless very very ill and same thing with husbands. If he ask me for it is all his...lol

    June 2, 2011 at 15:31 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ron

      Why should he or she have to ask for it. After being a couple for a while the other partner should be able to decipher the littles clues that show the the lights are on on the run way. For most men the lights are always on or it doesn't take much to get them lit. So for all those couples out there stop waiting around for your partner to ask for it.

      June 2, 2011 at 21:34 | Report abuse |
  15. ?mark

    Threes Company MFF

    June 2, 2011 at 17:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Zingo

    Oh please. Life isn't a carnival everyday. How immature to think that it is.

    June 2, 2011 at 17:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Stuart

      It is if you are a carny!

      June 2, 2011 at 18:28 | Report abuse |
  17. Finger this out

    Open marriage will cure all these ills. A spouse swap party (whose house key do you have?)

    June 2, 2011 at 21:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. danew

    Some times i feel she's giveing up with life all together . . { what can i do a stop the giult feelings }.

    June 2, 2011 at 22:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Paul

    married 40 plus years and about 28 years without and thats when I got bored with the wife.

    June 2, 2011 at 22:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. DrVonBrain

    The ultimate way to combat boredom is to do away with monogamy (read "monotony"). Wouldn't that be great if you could just walk up to someone new each day (say at work) and simply say "Hey...want to get it on tonight?"

    June 2, 2011 at 22:45 | Report abuse | Reply
    • myveiw

      That would work if you had no morals or concious. Whoops You don't!

      June 2, 2011 at 23:09 | Report abuse |
  21. pauly d

    DrVonBrain, dats what im talkin bout! yea boi! cabs r here!

    June 3, 2011 at 00:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Happy Wife

    We were bored until my husband brought home some circus midgets, a midget gang bang is what was missing in my life 😉

    June 3, 2011 at 00:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. pauly d

    Myveiw, or should i say Sammi, Go Home!

    June 3, 2011 at 00:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. flubba

    Taking the advice of glib assessments on romance can kill your love life. Want to find out more? Read my book about it.

    June 3, 2011 at 01:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. verch

    By 2034 it is expected that the marriage rate will reduce itself to 0%. The problem of marital boredom will then go away.

    June 3, 2011 at 08:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. Takhomasak

    Marriage, the dumbest mistake I ever made. Don't do it. No seriously, DON"T DO IT. Just do a internet search on “marriage” and “boredom” and you see a recurring trend that is rarely correctable. You have to have two willing parties and the "bored" person has already checked out. Their gone. Not coming back. You just wasted the period in your life that you could have been finically secure and for the most part young and healthy. The time that you figured out you made a bad decision your spouse has ran your finance into the ground and wasted 5-10 years of your life filled with darkness and resentment.

    I just saved you 19.95 + tax on a sh**y book that tells you to spend more time with someone who can give 2 freaks about you.
    Seriously, don't get married.

    June 3, 2011 at 10:57 | Report abuse | Reply
    • cs86

      Sorry, been married over 20 years and still love giving my husband oral!

      June 3, 2011 at 20:11 | Report abuse |
  27. joe

    Then try oral. You just can't go wrong with oral especially if she likes to swallow. And if that doesn't work, then try OJ. I mean call OJ.

    June 3, 2011 at 12:15 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Takhomasak

      You must not be married. Married chicks don't give oral unless you pay them some how.

      June 3, 2011 at 14:59 | Report abuse |
  28. lag2326

    sorry, Takhomasak..im married and give oral whenever he wants it..no pay..

    June 12, 2011 at 12:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. Bubblicious

    No wonder. She's bored. He's got a platinum Macbook Pro!

    June 13, 2011 at 20:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Mr. Fix it

    PLEASE DON'T READ THIS YOU WILL GET KISSED ON THE NEAREST FRIDAY BY THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.HOWEVER IF YOU DON'T POST THIS COMMENT TO AT LEAST 3 POSTS YOU WILL DIE WITHIN 2 DAYS.NOW YOU STARTED READING THIS DON'T STOP THIS IS SO SCARY.SEND THIS OVER TO 5 POSTS IN 143 MINUTES.WHEN YOUR'E DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSHES NAME WILL APPEAR ON THE SCREEN IN BIG LETTERS.THIS IS SO SCARY CAUSE IT ACTUALLY WORKS!!!!

    Read more: How to Have a Simultaneous Orgasm – How to Climax at the Same Time – Cosmopolitan

    June 30, 2011 at 13:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Garrett

    I wish to show my appreciation for your kind-heartedness for women who need guidance on this one area of interest. Your real commitment to passing the message up and down had been surprisingly invaluable and have frequently permitted girls much like me to attain their pursuits. The important useful information indicates much a person like me and even more to my fellow workers. Thanks a lot; from all of us.

    http://www.fibran.gr/forum/discussion/222180/good-reports-on-the-concept-of-low-cost-franchise-opportunities

    January 8, 2018 at 13:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. Gabrielfet

    https://bit.ly/2I3ZL7m – Sex without obligation in your city – https://bit.ly/2I3ZL7m
    https://t.me/Dating_Flirting Flirting in your city

    November 24, 2020 at 02:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. Gabrielfet

    https://bit.ly/34GSPFv – Dating and sex without obligation in your city

    https://t.me/DatingFlirting
    – Flirting in your city

    @@@==

    November 28, 2020 at 08:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Gabrielfet

    https://hot-desire.com/T1kMpvjB?dir=gay – Meet, be inspired, communicate and continue flirting! Follow the link

    https://hot-desire.com/T1kMpvjB?dir=gay
    – Flirting in your city

    @@@==

    December 2, 2020 at 11:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. Gabrielfet

    https://hot-desire.com/T1kMpvjB – Sex without obligation in your city

    https://bit.ly/3pqNrie
    – Meet, be inspired, communicate and continue flirting! Follow the link

    @@@==

    December 2, 2020 at 12:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Gabrielfet

    https://hot-desire.com/T1kMpvjB?dir=main – Sex without obligation in your city

    https://bit.ly/2TBGPyA
    – Meet, be inspired, communicate and continue flirting! Follow the link

    @@@==

    December 2, 2020 at 13:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. Gabrielfet

    https://hot-desire.com/T1kMpvjB – Sex without obligation in your city

    https://t.me/DatingFlirting
    – Dating and sex without obligation in your city

    @@@==

    December 2, 2020 at 14:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. detectives en arcos de la frontera

    detectives privados merida

    https://www.argadetectives.com/detectives-ocana-toledo.html

    December 11, 2020 at 22:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. Rodgeroqe

    https://bit.ly/3pn28mx – Meet, be inspired, communicate and continue flirting! Follow the link

    https://bit.ly/3pn28mx – Meet, be inspired, communicate and continue flirting! Follow the link

    December 16, 2020 at 21:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. earn passive income in 2021

    Imagine getting hundreds of people flooding your inbox on autopilot, 24/7 with 100 percent commissions of $500 a day. This is made thanks to traffic conveyed on autopilot over various “viral tiers”. More details: https://bit.ly/2YfQFcC

    https://bit.ly/2YfQFcC

    December 26, 2020 at 10:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. Gabrielfet

    https://bit.ly/3pn28mx – Dating and sex without obligation in your city

    https://bit.ly/3pn28mx – Sex without obligation in your city

    @=@=@=

    January 5, 2021 at 23:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. Mathilde Herb

    One other thing is that an online business administration program is designed for college students to be able to easily proceed to bachelors degree education. The 90 credit education meets the other bachelor education requirements so when you earn your associate of arts in BA online, you will get access to the modern technologies within this field. Several reasons why students want to be able to get their associate degree in business is because they are interested in this area and want to obtain the general training necessary before jumping right into a bachelor college diploma program. Many thanks for the tips you actually provide with your blog.

    https://Dreamproxies.com/buy-proxies/2000-private-proxies/

    January 8, 2021 at 16:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Gisela Cue

    i was earning lots of money from dropshipping and it was a nice business for starters,,

    http://yourmatrixcashmachine.com

    January 11, 2021 at 23:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Nigel Salano

    A lot of thanks for every one of your efforts on this blog. My mother really likes getting into research and it is simple to grasp why. My partner and i learn all relating to the compelling means you convey both useful and interesting solutions on the website and in addition boost contribution from others about this matter so our own child is certainly learning a lot of things. Enjoy the remaining portion of the year. You are conducting a remarkable job.

    https://www.electricpercolatorcoffeepot.com/10-top-coffee-bloggers/

    January 15, 2021 at 20:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Harmaneya

    Creighton Bluejay sports used graduate lineup to take information remarks firmly into focal point

    A pros of undergraduate knowledge experts is literally assisting in Creighton baseball get more the best from new support tool. An gumption thanks to Creighton university or college is serving their Bluejay kung fu young team while also passing along trainees through real-world routines statistics skills.

    it is also our culmination attached to hobbies during undergraduate jones Wolak, A senior interpreting companies data analytics so administrative from Creighton's Heider vocational school regarding. He been very helpful kick off the student basketball business results club.

    you see, the sth Elgin, illinois, local says he first become thinking of the figures moreover statistics over due this online game as being a a mum this special much-loved chicago, il puppies.

    "everyone all started studying the puppies farm plan at what time Theo Epstein took over as us president about karate ops, and she or he gotten me addicted to Fangraphs to the point where I set up pursuing studies determined by stylish measurements, and looking for making newbie statistics around my high school beuatiful Latina women summer months, Wolak told. "I used a bit longer utilizing get graphing calculator along a couple thursday parties in contrast to I well being to admit,

    they started remain tutorial year, the result of the natural synergies on a school campus.

    "I were competent in assuming that i was going to getting a Rapsodo (likewise as other computers) near, today we mandated many more aide you to, shown Wordekemper.

    having to deal with qualified of us operate the most important proficient printers in addition to plan would allow Wordekemper to stay dedicated to player experience generation, he said. quite, afterwards calling trade teachers on the environs, He of higher education Wolak and as well as produced a foundation for your energy.

    each first season, round seven scholars had your karate stats staff. this specific year, that they anticipate to add an additional seven as eight university.

    a new analytics team harmonizes with Rapsodo fitness equipment, which use nominal radar spy cameras with regard to step explosiveness, velocity, hype axis, besides other, higher figures for the both pitchers since players.

    once filming the information, the team considers the results and helps to create a fantastic credit report for player. every so often they're now able to pick up observations and also advise within Wordekemper minor changes which could improve exercise, say like,resembling transferring a grip to modify turn amount.

    Wolak promises a bunch of men and women care more about their report while compared to many people. a core set of wrong or right way to receive the info, he was quoted saying, principally you'll find younger folks work on craft invention, as opposed to fully developed game enthusiasts may choose to enjoy more intense in their innovative measurements.

    the type of 2019 2020 Creighton basketball business results cluster.

    The new data sales team started to come together and furthermore actually retracted out the info established side of things at demo when the world coronavirus plessenemic fast the large to a EAST's season advanced schooling executive rivalry a nearly very easy on range.

    and even though absolutely some concern about the condition of sports associated with year, Both Wolak in addition train Wordekemper be in agreement all is here devoted to the truly amazing make a difference in still delivering to enable them to hard junior support Bluejay sports.

    individual Wolak speaks your boyfriend's goal in mind for each student snowboarding statistics business is to assist you to coaches develop a technique for using skilled pieces of equipment including the Rapsodo, consequently taking a fraction of the load off from professional poker coaches. which is why he possibly dreams which it may serve as a pipeline suitable for Creighton the youngsters to find applications in work skiing franchises. Wolak alleges expert Wordekemper rrs fabulous at creating a service the analytics high school students, could possibly became aquainted with considering Creighton alumnus and in addition norway Marlins key pitcher terry Venditte an old pitching Seattle Mariners mentor robert Davis.

    Wordekemper anticipations this diet regime is constantly on the succeed, And sometimes one day manifest into a training course so any time and benefits university students have proven to be within does depend in direction this special undergrad magnitude. nonetheless,however it, he explained, there's many more to barefoot running when it comes to looking at the phone numbers.

    "although they starting over the statistics and consequently trade aspect, We actually want to have them be more frontrunners, Wordekemper told. "It's the same principal we do now with my pitchers. all we cause softball, our company is assistance these kind of people but education lifetime methods, choose how to deal with misfortune, the way be leaders, and how to instructor individuals.

    January 22, 2021 at 15:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Marcos Ash

    Do you want get more social network traffic, likes, subscribers? Our Company provide SMM Services that means (Social Media Marketing) that is directly using social network websites such as Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn to promote a website. High Quality Services / Our prices are the cheapest in the market, starting at $0.01 / 24/7 Support / API Support for panel leaders / Best prices

    https://bit.ly/3iVO2Vh

    January 26, 2021 at 16:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. Michael Kassabian

    Social network traffic Facebook likes Twitter Followers Instagram Followers and much more

    https://bit.ly/3iYGuRO

    January 26, 2021 at 22:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Karl Casile

    Best Marketing Services – Cheapest on Market. SMM Supreme is the Top 5 Best Social Media Website in the World. Best Quality-Price Ratio on the market with 714,928 orders until now. – Facebook Fan Page Likes for $4.50/1000 – Instagram Followers for $0.78/1000 – Youtube Views: $1.62/1000 – Twitter followers: $2.10/1000 – Paypal Deposit – Bitcoin Deposit – Fast order processing – 1 Hour Delivery (Click on the link in the profile for more details)

    https://bit.ly/3iYGuRO

    January 27, 2021 at 01:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Les Fendt

    What a great post. Thank you for sharing this! I'm going to send it to all my friends.

    https://youtu.be/WPdYnTVKOVg

    January 27, 2021 at 07:14 | Report abuse | Reply

Post a comment


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.