home
RSS
Are you willing to negotiate monogamy?
May 19th, 2011
10:56 AM ET

Are you willing to negotiate monogamy?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

When you take your marriage vows, you’re pretty much making the commitment to never have sex with anyone else ever again. Wow - just writing that is scary.

With the demise of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s 25-year marriage making headlines, it’s hard not to wonder if long-term monogamy is possible or even practical.

As a sex therapist, not a day goes by that I don’t see people who are stuck, feeling as if they have to give up on their marriage, or give up on sex - or cheat. My patients have taught me that sex - or a lack of it - is one of the major contributors to marital strife between longtime couples.

Many people don’t want to throw in the towel, however, which is why the idea of “negotiating monogamy” is becoming more popular. From open relationships, to disclosing affairs before they happen, to giving a partner a “free pass,” negotiated monogamy is a way for some couples to stay committed to each other without having to stay sexually faithful.

Such an approach may seem to fly in the face of the concept of marriage - I don’t blame you for raising your eyebrows or shaking your head at the suggestion. But hear me out.

We live in an age when we’re surrounded by countless arguments (or maybe just excuses) against monogamy: Men have a biological imperative to spread their seed and have always cheated (“boys will be boys”); humans are wired for serial monogamy, not one lifelong relationship; long-term relationships beget boredom; people are living longer and longer but half of all marriages fail… Whew.

When you consider what we’re up against, it may not be such a bad idea to give negotiated monogamy a chance before we dismiss it outright as a violation of the sanctity of marriage.

In my own practice, I often raise the option of negotiated monogamy with couples who have worked their way into permanently sexless marriages, or who feel starved for sex - but not with each other. The very concept of negotiated monogamy is a provocative and useful way for these couples to talk about sex and marriage, even if they choose not to practice it.

As with most issues, it’s better to talk about something and understand each other’s boundaries than to guess or cheat or commit to life of silent desperation. And you know what? It turns out that once couples start talking about what they would or wouldn’t allow - strippers, lap dances, flirty friendships, free passes, oral sex with other people, swinging, open relationships - they often tend to get turned on and end up going home and having sex with each other.

After all, the brain is the biggest of sex organ and, as I discussed in last week’s column about fantasies, even just talking about sex can get people interested in actually having sex.

So remember: Taking a marriage vow does not mean taking a vow of silence. If anything, being married should give you a level of trust where you feel like you can talk about anything. And if you actually want to try negotiated monogamy and your partner doesn’t (or vice versa)? Well, at least you’re having an adult conversation instead of acting like children - or former governors.


soundoff (2,200 Responses)
  1. 먹튀

    Very nice blog post. I absolutely love this website. Stick with it!

    https://historydb.date/wiki/Poker_and_the_Evolution_connected_with_a_Popular_Game

    May 7, 2021 at 02:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. dapoxetine

    dapoxetine tablet buy priligy canada

    May 7, 2021 at 02:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. Flos Gatto Material

    Its such as you read my thoughts! You appear to grasp so much approximately this, like you wrote the
    ebook in it or something. I think that you can do with a few percent to
    power the message home a bit, however instead of that, that is great
    blog. An excellent read. I will certainly be back.

    May 7, 2021 at 03:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. lampe gras online shop

    Hmm it seems like your site ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I'll just sum it up what I had written and say, I'm thoroughly enjoying your blog.
    I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I'm still
    new to the whole thing. Do you have any tips for first-time blog writers?
    I'd definitely appreciate it.

    May 7, 2021 at 05:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. hanna Lamp Table

    Great blog here! Also your web site loads up fast! What host are
    you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
    I wish my website loaded up as fast as yours lol

    May 7, 2021 at 18:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. aralen price usa

    is chloroquine an antibiotic https://chloroquineorigin.com/ chloroquine vs chloroquine phosphate

    May 8, 2021 at 00:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. lampe gras wall lamp replica

    Hey There. I found your blog using msn. This is a
    very well written article. I will be sure to bookmark it and
    return to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post.
    I will definitely return.

    May 8, 2021 at 01:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. serge mouille three arm

    Hi! Do you know if they make any plugins to protect against hackers?
    I'm kinda paranoid about losing everything I've worked hard
    on. Any tips?

    May 8, 2021 at 03:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. lampe serge mouille original

    Hello, constantly i used to check blog posts here early in the break of
    day, as i love to learn more and more.

    May 8, 2021 at 03:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. sites.google.com

    This design is incredible! You definitely know how to keep a reader entertained.

    Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to
    start my own blog (well, almost...HaHa!) Excellent job. I really loved what you had to
    say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!

    May 8, 2021 at 06:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. buy chloroquine online canada

    chlorodine https://chloroquineorigin.com/ is chloroquine an antibiotic

    May 8, 2021 at 07:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. best university in indonesia

    Its such as you read my mind! You appear to grasp a lot approximately this,
    such as you wrote the e-book in it or something.

    I think that you simply could do with a few p.c. to pressure the message home a little bit, but other than that,
    that is excellent blog. An excellent read.
    I will definitely be back.

    May 8, 2021 at 11:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. Dana Cereo

    i can take for granted you are an expert on this subject

    http://elink.io/9d0ffee

    May 8, 2021 at 11:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. 먹튀검증업체

    This is a topic that is close to my heart... Take care! Where are your contact details though?

    https://pbase.com/topics/quailjudo11/can_be_gambling_really_gambl

    May 9, 2021 at 07:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. 먹튀

    Aw, this was an extremely good post. Taking the time and actual effort to make a really good articleÖ but what can I sayÖ I put things off a whole lot and don't manage to get nearly anything done.

    https://botdb.win/wiki/What_direction_to_go_If_You_Think_A_person_May_Have_an_Obsession_with_Slots

    May 9, 2021 at 11:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. serge mouille aliexpress

    I'm gone to say to my little brother, that he should also go to see this web site on regular basis to get updated from most recent information.

    May 9, 2021 at 15:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. serge mouille udsalg

    Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this post and also the rest of the website is really good.

    May 9, 2021 at 16:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. serge mouille editions

    Actually when someone doesn't understand then its up to other visitors that they will assist, so
    here it happens.

    May 9, 2021 at 16:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Lamar

    Have you ever considered publishing an e-book or
    guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog based on the same topics you discuss and
    would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my audience would appreciate your work.
    If you're even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e mail.

    May 9, 2021 at 17:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. serge mouille chandelier replica

    I think this is one of the most significant info for me.

    And i am glad reading your article. But should remark on few general things,
    The web site style is perfect, the articles is
    really great : D. Good job, cheers

    May 9, 2021 at 22:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. Jacques Newark

    Keep up the wonderful work , I read few content on this site and I think that your blog is very interesting and contains sets of great info .

    http://elink.io/949461a

    May 9, 2021 at 23:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Teena Critton

    Everything you need to know about African Mangoo information to you.

    http://elink.io/927749c

    May 9, 2021 at 23:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. replica Lampe Gras Wall

    I like it when people come together and share opinions.
    Great blog, stick with it!

    May 10, 2021 at 01:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. flowerpot ceiling lamp

    I like the helpful information you provide in your articles.

    I will bookmark your weblog and check again here frequently.

    I am quite certain I'll learn many new stuff right here!
    Best of luck for the next!

    May 10, 2021 at 01:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Serge mouille Lighting replica

    Hi, i think that i saw you visited my website thus
    i came to “return the favor”.I'm attempting to
    find things to enhance my site!I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!!

    May 10, 2021 at 04:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. lampe gras france

    An interesting discussion is definitely worth comment. I do think that you
    should publish more on this subject matter, it may not be a
    taboo matter but generally people don't speak about such subjects.

    To the next! Cheers!!

    May 10, 2021 at 04:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Flowerpot lamp Verner Panton

    Hello! I know this is kind of off topic but I was
    wondering which blog platform are you using for this site?
    I'm getting sick and tired of WordPress because I've had problems with hackers and I'm looking at options for another platform.

    I would be great if you could point me in the direction of
    a good platform.

    May 10, 2021 at 07:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. serge mouille kopia

    It's very trouble-free to find out any matter on web as compared to books, as I found this paragraph at this site.

    May 10, 2021 at 08:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. 먹튀검증업체

    You should be a part of a contest for one of the most useful sites on the net. I'm going to highly recommend this web site!

    http://casino5marcoruxu933.image-perth.org/7-things-you-should-not-do-with-meogtwigeomjeungsaiteu

    May 10, 2021 at 12:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. 먹튀검증업체

    Good post. I am going through some of these issues as well..

    https://nerdgaming.science/wiki/The_Best_Way_to_Win_in_Poker_Pot_Odds

    May 10, 2021 at 20:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. sites.google.com

    Greate pieces. Keep writing such kind of information on your site.

    Im really impressed by it.
    Hello there, You have done an incredible job.
    I'll definitely digg it and for my part recommend to my friends.
    I am confident they will be benefited from this site.

    May 11, 2021 at 00:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. orb lamp shade

    Greetings! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a
    quick shout out and tell you I genuinely enjoy reading through your
    posts. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that
    cover the same subjects? Many thanks!

    May 11, 2021 at 01:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. kartell bourgie lamp aanbieding

    My relatives all the time say that I am wasting my
    time here at web, however I know I am getting experience all the
    time by reading thes pleasant content.

    May 11, 2021 at 02:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. 먹튀검증

    Great site you have got here.. Itís difficult to find quality writing like yours nowadays. I honestly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!

    http://delphi.larsbo.org/user/j1mlynn493

    May 11, 2021 at 04:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. Gino

    Greetings from Ohio! I'm bored at work so I decided to check out your site on my iphone during lunch break.
    I enjoy the information you provide here and can't wait to take
    a look when I get home. I'm amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my cell phone ..
    I'm not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, superb
    site!

    May 11, 2021 at 05:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. mila blown glass pendant

    I'm curious to find out what blog platform you happen to be working with?
    I'm having some minor security problems
    with my latest blog and I would like to find
    something more risk-free. Do you have any suggestions?

    May 11, 2021 at 06:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. orb hanging lamp copie

    I am sure this paragraph has touched all the internet users, its really
    really good post on building up new weblog.

    May 11, 2021 at 09:07 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. sites.google.com

    I have read so many content concerning the blogger lovers but
    this piece of writing is really a pleasant paragraph, keep it up.

    May 11, 2021 at 09:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. 먹튀검증

    Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you so much, However I am encountering difficulties with your RSS. I donít know why I am unable to join it. Is there anybody else having similar RSS issues? Anyone that knows the solution can you kindly respond? Thanks!!

    https://www.pawer.global/members/gambling8domainamount51/activity/60047/

    May 11, 2021 at 10:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. ยูฟ่าเบท

    กมไพ่เสือมังกร เป็นอีกหนึ่งเกมที่กำลังมาแรง ในช่วงนี้เลยก็ว่าได้ เพราะเหตุว่าสำหรับเกมเสือมังกรนั้น จะเป็นเกมไพ่ที่คล้ายกับบาคาร่า ที่มีข้อตกลงสำหรับในการเล่นคล้ายคลึงกัน
    แต่ไพ่เสือมังกรจะเป็นการแจกไพ่
    เพียงฝั่งละใบเพียงแค่นั้น ซึ่งจะวัดกันไปเลยว่า แต้มไพ่ฝั่งใดมากมายกว่า ก็จะเป็นข้างที่ชนะไปนั่นเอง ซึ่งสำหรับในการเล่นแต่ละตานั้น จะจบเร็วกว่สบาคาร่านั่นเอง
    ด้วยเหตุว่าไม่มีการเปิดไพ่มากขึ้นมา
    และนอกจากแล้ว

    สำหรับการพนันทั้งสองฝั่ง ยังจะได้อัตราต่อรองแบบ 1:1 เท่ากันทั้งคู่ฝั่ง ที่ไม่ว่าจะเล่นในใั่งใด กำไรที่ท่านจะได้กลับมา ก็ได้มาเท่าที่ท่านได้เล่นไปนั่นเอง ซึ่งสำหรับการเล่นไพ่เสือมังการกับทาง ยูฟ่าคาสิโน ท่านจะสามารถเลือกห้องเล่นได้มากมาย

    เพราะเหตุว่าทางคาสิโนของพวกเรานั้น ได้รวมห้องเสือมังกร จากคาสิโนจริงทั้งโลก มาให้แด่คุณได้เลือกเล่นกันอย่างจุใจ โดยที่ยังสามารถเล่น แบบหลายห้องในขณะเดียวกัน ได้อีกด้วยนั่ยเอง แล้วก็ที่สำคัญนั้น ยังสามารถเล่นได้ตลอดระยะเวลา

    เพราะในแต่ละห้องนั่น ไม่มีการปิดให้บริการอะไร ซึ่งท่านใดที่สะดวกตอนไหน ก็สามารถเข้าไปเล่นกันได้
    ตามสบายของท่าน จึงทำให้บางทีก็อาจจะเรียกได้ว่า เป็นเกมยอดนิยมอย่างมาก ในคาสิโนของเราที่ มีนักพนันมากมายก่ายกอง เข้ามาเล่นกันจำนวนมากอย่างยิ่งจริงๆ
    สำหรับเกมไพ่เสือมังกรนั่นเอง

    May 11, 2021 at 14:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. 먹튀검증커뮤니티

    When I initially commented I seem to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on every time a comment is added I recieve four emails with the same comment. There has to be a way you can remove me from that service? Cheers!

    http://baccarat5zanewpza932.cavandoragh.org/12-stats-about-meogtwi-to-make-you-look-smart-around-the-water-cooler

    May 11, 2021 at 16:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. ยูฟ่าเบท

    คาสิโนออนไลน์ยูฟ่าเบท เว็บคาสิโนออนไลน์ที่ มีเกมคาสิโนรวมไว้ให้ได้เลือกเล่นเยอะที่สุด เดิมพันกันได้อย่างจุใจ อย่างสะดวกสบาย
    ใช้บริการได้ทุกหนทุกแห่ง
    ทางคาสิโนออนไลน์ของพวกเรา ได้รวมเกมคาสิโนจากทั่วโลก มาให้ทุกคนที่พึงพอใจสำหรับในการเล่นเกมคาสิโน ได้เข้ามาใช้บริการกับพวกเรา ได้เล่นเกมคาสิโนกันได้ตลอดระยะเวลา ไม่วจะเป็นเกมคาสิโนยอดฮิตอย่าง บาคาร่า,
    ไฮโล, สล็อต, น้ำเต้าปูปลา, เกมยิงปลา และ
    หวยไทย, หวยลาว, สลากกินแบ่งฮานอย

    แล้วก็เกมในจำพวกอื่นๆอีกมากมายนานัปการ ที่ซึ่งพูดได้ว่า เกมที่มีอยู่ในคาสิโนจริงทั่วทั้งโลก
    ทางเว็บไซต์คาสิโนยูฟ่า ได้เก็บรวบรวมมาให้ทุกท่าน ได้เล่นกันถึงที่ที่เว็บของเรา โดยที่ในการเล่นคาสิโนยูฟ่านั้น สำหรับท่านใดที่ ชอบสำหรับการเล่นเกมคาสิโน

    รับประกันเลยว่าการเข้ามาเล่นกับเรา ท่านจะได้เล่นเกมที่ท่านชอบอย่างแน่นอน ทั้งในการเล่นเกมคาสิโนต่างๆผ่านเว็บของพวกเรานั้น สำหรับเพื่อการเล่นไม่ว่าจะเป็นเกมประเภทใด ท่านสามารถเลือกเล่นกันได้แบบสดๆพื้นที่พวกเรานำสัญญาณภาพ

    จากห้องคาสิโนต่างๆมาให้แก่ท่านได้เล่นกันแบบเรียลไทม์ เปรียบได้กับท่าน ได้เข้าไปนั่งเล่นอยู่ในคาสิโนจริง เลยก็ว่าได้นั่นเอง แต่ว่าสำหรับการเล่นกับพวกเรานั่น ในการจ่ายเงินทุนในแต่ละตา ทางพวกเราไม่มีการกำหนดขั้นต่ำ
    ในการเล่นอะไร

    ซึ่งท่านสามารถเล่นได้ จากที่ทุกคนสะดวกในการลงเงินนั่นเอง ซึ่งไม่ว่าจะเป็นนักลงทุนที่ มีเงินทุนเยอะ หรือมีเงินทุนน้อย ก็สามารถเข้ามาเล่นเกมกับ คาสิโนยูฟ่า ของพวกเราได้อย่างไม่ต้องสงสัย ทำให้คาสิโนของพวกเรา มีนักเดิมพันมากมายก่ายกอง ที่เข้ามาเล่นเกมคาสิโนกับพวกเรา เป็นอย่างมากเลยทีเดียว

    May 11, 2021 at 22:07 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. gubi multi lite pendel rosa

    Someone necessarily assist to make significantly articles I'd state.

    That is the first time I frequented your website page and thus far?
    I amazed with the analysis you made to make this particular publish extraordinary.
    Wonderful task!

    May 11, 2021 at 22:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. serge mouille light white

    I'm not sure exactly why but this blog is loading
    very slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a problem on my
    end? I'll check back later on and see if the problem still exists.

    May 11, 2021 at 23:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. multi lite

    Thanks for finally writing about > Are you willing
    to negotiate monogamy? – The Chart – CNN.com
    Blogs < Liked it!

    May 12, 2021 at 02:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. gubi multi lite table lamp brass

    It's remarkable to pay a quick visit this web page and
    reading the views of all friends on the topic of this post, while
    I am also zealous of getting familiarity.

    May 12, 2021 at 05:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. Anonymous

    This design is spectacular! You obviously know how to keep a reader entertained.
    Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost...HaHa!) Great job.
    I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it.

    Too cool!

    May 12, 2021 at 10:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. www.amazon.com/mytv

    What's up, yup this piece of writing is actually good and I have learned lot of things from it
    regarding blogging. thanks.

    May 12, 2021 at 12:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. online live casino malaysia

    Piece of writing writing is also a excitement, if you be acquainted with afterward you can write or else
    it is complex to write.

    May 12, 2021 at 14:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. gubi multi-lite pendel sort og messing

    Hello there! I know this is somewhat off topic but I was wondering
    if you knew where I could get a captcha plugin for my comment form?
    I'm using the same blog platform as yours and I'm having difficulty
    finding one? Thanks a lot!

    May 13, 2021 at 00:30 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35

Leave a Reply to Flowerpot lamp Verner Panton


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.