May 19th, 2011
10:56 AM ET
Are you willing to negotiate monogamy?
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
When you take your marriage vows, you’re pretty much making the commitment to never have sex with anyone else ever again. Wow - just writing that is scary.
With the demise of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s 25-year marriage making headlines, it’s hard not to wonder if long-term monogamy is possible or even practical.
As a sex therapist, not a day goes by that I don’t see people who are stuck, feeling as if they have to give up on their marriage, or give up on sex - or cheat. My patients have taught me that sex - or a lack of it - is one of the major contributors to marital strife between longtime couples.
Such an approach may seem to fly in the face of the concept of marriage - I don’t blame you for raising your eyebrows or shaking your head at the suggestion. But hear me out.
We live in an age when we’re surrounded by countless arguments (or maybe just excuses) against monogamy: Men have a biological imperative to spread their seed and have always cheated (“boys will be boys”); humans are wired for serial monogamy, not one lifelong relationship; long-term relationships beget boredom; people are living longer and longer but half of all marriages fail… Whew.
When you consider what we’re up against, it may not be such a bad idea to give negotiated monogamy a chance before we dismiss it outright as a violation of the sanctity of marriage.
In my own practice, I often raise the option of negotiated monogamy with couples who have worked their way into permanently sexless marriages, or who feel starved for sex - but not with each other. The very concept of negotiated monogamy is a provocative and useful way for these couples to talk about sex and marriage, even if they choose not to practice it.
As with most issues, it’s better to talk about something and understand each other’s boundaries than to guess or cheat or commit to life of silent desperation. And you know what? It turns out that once couples start talking about what they would or wouldn’t allow - strippers, lap dances, flirty friendships, free passes, oral sex with other people, swinging, open relationships - they often tend to get turned on and end up going home and having sex with each other.
After all, the brain is the biggest of sex organ and, as I discussed in last week’s column about fantasies, even just talking about sex can get people interested in actually having sex.
So remember: Taking a marriage vow does not mean taking a vow of silence. If anything, being married should give you a level of trust where you feel like you can talk about anything. And if you actually want to try negotiated monogamy and your partner doesn’t (or vice versa)? Well, at least you’re having an adult conversation instead of acting like children - or former governors.
About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
zithropan https://zithromaxes.com/ z pak strength
What a man of potential! You have the power to compose wonderful things that you can't get everywhere. to envy
zithromax 500mg tablet https://zithromaxes.com/ zpak price
generic tadalafil united states https://elitadalafill.com/ 40 mg tadalafil
buy vardenafil over the counter online https://vegavardenafil.com/ how long do the effects of vardenafil last
Hey, not necessarily you too great? Your own writing widens my know-how. Give thanks to you.
Woah! I'm really digging the template/theme of this website.
It's simple, yet effective. A lot of times it's very hard
to get that "perfect balance" between superb usability and visual appeal.
I must say you've done a excellent job with this. Additionally, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Opera.
I don't even know how I ended up here, but I thought this
post was great. I do not know who you are but certainly you're going to a famous blogger if
you aren't already 😉 Cheers!
I don't know if it's just me or if everyone else experiencing
issues with your blog. It seems like some of the text on your content are running off the screen. Can someone else please comment
and let me know if this is happening to them too?
This could be a problem with my internet browser because I've
had this happen before. Thank you
Exactly what a man of capacity! You have the potential to create fantastic factors that you can't discover everywhere. to envy
Excellent items from you, man. I've take note your stuff prior to and you're simply extremely excellent.
I actually like what you've bought right here, certainly like
what you are saying and the way in which wherein you assert it.
You are making it entertaining and you continue to care for to stay it sensible.
I cant wait to read much more from you. That is really a tremendous web site.
I've learn some good stuff here. Certainly price bookmarking for revisiting.
I surprise how a lot effort you put to create this kind of
magnificent informative site.
Excellent! Your post has a ton comment posts. How did you get all of these bloggers to see your post I’m very jealous! I’m still getting to know all about posting information on the net. I’m going to look around on your website to get a better idea how to achieve success. Thank you!
Very few authors with correct knowledge of the topics they discuss.
Cheers to you, I discovered something new. Give thanks to a person so much. We search forward to nearby.
vardenafil 20 mg https://vegavardenafil.com/ vardenafil coupon
cialis at canadian pharmacy https://canadacialisstore.com/ canadian generic cialis safe
It's an amazing piece of writing designed for all the web visitors; they will get benefit
from it I am sure.
what i can say is that abortion is a sin and it should be deemed illegal by all means’
Specifically the sort of material that enhances the net. Thanks!
After research just a few of the weblog posts in your web site now, and I truly like your way of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark website checklist and will be checking again soon. Pls check out my website online as properly and let me know what you think.
I was suggested this blog by my cousin. I'm not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my trouble. You're wonderful! Thanks!
I was suggested this website by my cousin. I'm not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my trouble.
You're amazing! Thanks!
I was so pleased from your blog. Thank you so much.
Quality articles is the secret to invite the people to pay
a visit the site, that's what this site is providing.
I’d have to talk to you here. Which isn’t something Which i do! I love to reading a post that should get people to think. Also, thank you for allowing me to comment!
Have you already setup a fan page on Facebook ?-;,,”
Usually I do not read article on blogs, however
I would like to say that this write-up very pressured me to
check out and do it! Your writing style has been surprised
me. Thank you, very great article.
tadalafil 40 https://elitadalafill.com/ tadalis sx
Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same results.
Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your web site
and in accession capital to assert that I acquire actually
enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I will be subscribing to your
augment and even I achievement you access consistently quickly.
It's in reality a great and useful piece of information. I am happy that you
just shared this helpful information with us. Please stay us informed
like this. Thanks for sharing.
I have been examinating out a few of your stories and i can state pretty good stuff. I will surely bookmark your site.
Wonderful article! We are linking to this great content on our website.
Keep up the good writing.
I couldn't resist commenting. Well written!
Excellent blog you have got here.. It's difficult to find quality writing like yours these days.
I truly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!
injectable ed drugs https://alprostadildrugs.com/ injectable drug for erectile dysfunction
After going over a handful of the articles on your blog, I honestly appreciate your way of writing a blog. I book-marked it to my bookmark webpage list and will be checking back soon. Please check out my web site as well and let me know how you feel.
I like Your Article about Catholic Priests and Former Abortionist Confront Congress on Meaning of “Abortion” | Fr. Frank Pavone's Blog Perfect just what I was searching for! .
A lot of blog owners nowadays yet only a few have articles worth spending time on browsing.
I enjoy the dear information you offer to your articles. I will bookmark your site and have the kids have a look at up here generally. Im fairly positive theyre likely to be informed quite a lot of new stuff here than anyone else!
canadian pharmacies ed pills https://canadapillstorex.com/ canadian diet pills
Hey! Quick question that’s entirely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My site looks weird when browsing from my apple iphone. I’m trying to find a template or plugin that might be able to correct this issue. If you have any suggestions, please share. With thanks!
I am not sure where you are getting your information, but great topic. I needs to spend a while finding out more or figuring out more. Thank you for fantastic info I used to be searching for this information for my mission.
Howdy very cool web site!! Guy .. Excellent .. Amazing .. I'll bookmark your blog and take the feeds also…I'm glad to find so many helpful information right here within the post, we need work out more strategies on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .
Hi to every body, it's my first visit of this
webpage; this website carries awesome and truly good stuff in favor of visitors.
fantastic publish, very informative. I'm wondering why
the other experts of this sector do not notice this.
You should continue your writing. I'm sure, you have a huge readers' base already!
canadian pharmacy tadalafil viagara cialis https://canadacialisstore.com/ canadian pharmacy for cialis
tadalafil 60 mg for sale https://elitadalafill.com/ tadalafil dosage