May 19th, 2011
10:56 AM ET
Are you willing to negotiate monogamy?
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
When you take your marriage vows, you’re pretty much making the commitment to never have sex with anyone else ever again. Wow - just writing that is scary.
With the demise of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s 25-year marriage making headlines, it’s hard not to wonder if long-term monogamy is possible or even practical.
As a sex therapist, not a day goes by that I don’t see people who are stuck, feeling as if they have to give up on their marriage, or give up on sex - or cheat. My patients have taught me that sex - or a lack of it - is one of the major contributors to marital strife between longtime couples.
Such an approach may seem to fly in the face of the concept of marriage - I don’t blame you for raising your eyebrows or shaking your head at the suggestion. But hear me out.
We live in an age when we’re surrounded by countless arguments (or maybe just excuses) against monogamy: Men have a biological imperative to spread their seed and have always cheated (“boys will be boys”); humans are wired for serial monogamy, not one lifelong relationship; long-term relationships beget boredom; people are living longer and longer but half of all marriages fail… Whew.
When you consider what we’re up against, it may not be such a bad idea to give negotiated monogamy a chance before we dismiss it outright as a violation of the sanctity of marriage.
In my own practice, I often raise the option of negotiated monogamy with couples who have worked their way into permanently sexless marriages, or who feel starved for sex - but not with each other. The very concept of negotiated monogamy is a provocative and useful way for these couples to talk about sex and marriage, even if they choose not to practice it.
As with most issues, it’s better to talk about something and understand each other’s boundaries than to guess or cheat or commit to life of silent desperation. And you know what? It turns out that once couples start talking about what they would or wouldn’t allow - strippers, lap dances, flirty friendships, free passes, oral sex with other people, swinging, open relationships - they often tend to get turned on and end up going home and having sex with each other.
After all, the brain is the biggest of sex organ and, as I discussed in last week’s column about fantasies, even just talking about sex can get people interested in actually having sex.
So remember: Taking a marriage vow does not mean taking a vow of silence. If anything, being married should give you a level of trust where you feel like you can talk about anything. And if you actually want to try negotiated monogamy and your partner doesn’t (or vice versa)? Well, at least you’re having an adult conversation instead of acting like children - or former governors.
About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
all slots usa casino
online casino slots and poker
We absolutely love your blog and find nearly all of your post's to be just what I'm looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for yourself? I wouldn't mind creating a post or elaborating on a few of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome weblog!
Nearly all of the things you assert happens to be astonishingly precise and that makes me ponder the reason why I had not looked at this in this light previously. This particular article truly did turn the light on for me as far as this particular issue goes. However there is actually one particular point I am not too comfortable with so whilst I attempt to reconcile that with the core theme of the issue, let me see exactly what the rest of the visitors have to point out.Nicely done.
I have to express some thanks to the writer for rescuing me from such a dilemma. Just after surfing around throughout the world wide web and meeting concepts which were not pleasant, I was thinking my life was gone. Being alive without the strategies to the issues you have sorted out all through your good article is a crucial case, and those which could have negatively affected my entire career if I hadn't encountered your website. That talents and kindness in maneuvering everything was excellent. I don't know what I would've done if I had not come across such a subject like this. I can now look forward to my future. Thank you very much for your expert and effective help. I will not hesitate to refer the blog to anybody who wants and needs support on this issue.
It is appropriate time to make some plans for the future and
it's time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I
want to suggest you few interesting things or tips.
Perhaps you can write next articles referring to this article.
I desire to read even more things about it!
Clifton Steel's is a Hadfield Grade Manganese Steel made to harden with influence. Merely The Best Manganese Wear Plate
If you like making Technology something that is worthwhile for you, the tactics we have actually provided will absolutely assist. It usually is preferable to see fast outcomes, but to do so, you require to have perseverance if they do not appear as soon as possible. Anytime you require additional assistance, you'll intend to head over to Our Technology Site – bookmark this url so you have it for future reference.
Great goods from you, man. I've understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely great. I really like what you've acquired here, really like what you're saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still take care of to keep it wise. I cant wait to read much more from you. This is really a tremendous site.
Thanks for your useful post. Over time, I have been able to understand that the symptoms of mesothelioma cancer are caused by a build up associated fluid between the lining of your lung and the torso cavity. The infection may start in the chest spot and propagate to other body parts. Other symptoms of pleural mesothelioma include fat loss, severe deep breathing trouble, a fever, difficulty ingesting, and inflammation of the neck and face areas. It must be noted that some people with the disease usually do not experience virtually any serious indicators at all.
Excellent beat ! I wish to apprentice whilst you amend your web site, how can i subscribe for a weblog site?
The account helped me a applicable deal. I were a little
bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered
bright transparent idea
hi!,I like your writing so much! share we communicate more about your article on AOL? I require an expert on this area to solve my problem. May be that's you! Looking forward to see you.
Does your blog have a contact page? I'm having problems locating it but, I'd like
to send you an email. I've got some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing.
Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it develop over
I for all time emailed this website post page to all my associates, since if like
to read it next my friends will too.
Remarkable! Its actually awesome article, I have got much clear idea about from
Link exchange is nothing else but it is only placing the other person's web site link on your page at proper place and other person will also do similar
in support of you.
My brother recommended I might like this website.
He was entirely right. This post truly made my day. You cann't imagine simply
how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!
Good web site you have got here.. It’s difficult to find excellent writing like yours these days. I honestly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!
Great items from you, man. I've be mindful your
stuff previous to and you are simply too wonderful.
I actually like what you've received here, certainly like what you're stating and the way
in which through which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you continue to
take care of to stay it smart. I can not wait to learn much more from you.
This is really a tremendous site.
I every time emailed this webpage post page to all my contacts, because
if like to read it after that my contacts will too.
It is really a nice and useful piece of info. I'm satisfied that you simply shared this useful information with us.
Please stay us informed like this. Thanks for sharing. http://finncshv25814.blogzag.com/43734476/
Whoa. Master. You're some sort of master. Appreciate you.
Hi! Do you use Twitter? I'd like to follow you if
that would be okay. I'm definitely enjoying your blog and look forward to new posts.
Your style is really unique in comparison to other folks I've read stuff from.
Thanks for posting when you've got the opportunity,
Guess I will just bookmark this site.
Whoa. Wizard. You're the guru. Thank you.
A motivating discussion is definitely worth comment. I believe that you should write more on this topic, it might not be a taboo subject but generally people don't speak about such subjects. To the next! Best wishes!!
Howdy, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and
i was just wondering if you get a lot of spam responses?
If so how do you stop it, any plugin or anything you can advise?
I get so much lately it's driving me insane so any support is very much appreciated.
i am very picky about baby toys, so i always choose the best ones“
Why visitors still use to read news papers when in this technological globe
the whole thing is available on web?
Attractive component to content. I just stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to claim that I get in fact
loved account your blog posts. Anyway I'll be subscribing to your feeds or even I achievement you get entry to
It's a jealous article. It's very incredible and fresh. Who will be you to write this specific special article?
Everyone loves it when folks get together and share ideas.
Great site, keep it up!
my web page :: electric shaver
I love your blog website. I'm faced. Thank you.
erectile clinics cleveland https://canadaerectiledysfunctionpills.com/ erectile tools
Aw, this has been a really nice post. In concept I have to invest writing like this moreover – spending time and actual effort to produce a excellent article… but what things can I say… I procrastinate alot and no indicates appear to get something completed.
Everything is very open with a very clear description of
the issues. It was definitely informative.
Your site is very useful. Thanks for sharing!
Hi, I do think this is an excellent web site.
I stumbledupon it 😉 I'm going to revisit once again since i have
book-marked it. Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may you be rich and continue to guide others.
I will immediately clutch your rss as I can't to find your email subscription link or e-newsletter service.
Do you have any? Kindly allow me recognise in order that
I may subscribe. Thanks.
I was so fascinated by your blog. Thank you so much.
Well I definitely liked reading it. This subject provided by you is very constructive for proper planning.
I'm not sure exactly why but this website is loading very slow for me. Is anyone else having this issue or is it a problem on my end? I'll check back later on and see if the problem still exists.
CBD for Anxiousness and Depression: Debunked Imagine that it is possible to introduce one all-natural prep work right into your daily diet regimen, which can prove to be the trick to winning the defend a calmer life for individuals with depressive disorders. Suppose the incorporation of this prep work, developed on the basis of a significantly well-known and evaluated chemical substance of plant origin, is not just possibly extremely efficient, yet is not related to the risk of adverse effects normal of pharmacological drugs? Is it even feasible? Where's the catch? Do you wish to know more? Read this short article In this post we will certainly cover: What is depression? THC distinctions Depression and also the endocannabinoid system What is anxiety? Official interpretations suggest that depressive conditions, additionally understood informally as clinical depression, are characterized by: unexpected anxiety of a person's mood, in the negative direction, of moderate to strong intensity of the strength of the skilled changes, for greater than a few weeks. There might be several factors for the occurrence of modifications. It also takes place that it is challenging to determine any kind of unquestionable factor. We extremely typically stumbled upon the declaration that it is a human being condition of the 21st century – it affects both older and also younger individuals. Our education and learning is not important for clinical depression, not to mention our profits – it can affect any person. Therapy of anxiety comes down to: pharmacotherapy, psychotherapy and also psychoeducation, phototherapy, electroconvulsive therapy and even more all-natural tasks related to the aggravation of physical activity and also the introduction of substantial modifications in the everyday diet. It is as part of natural techniques of battling and combating anxiety that the incorporation of marijuana prep work with cannabinoids naturally occurring in the plant in the daily diet is acquiring increasingly more popularity on the planet. Cannabidiol CBD, found in e.g. CBD oil or full-spectrum hemp oil, shows up in many scientific studies as a possibly effective cannabinoid in the treatment of depression. Notably, it is a 100 all-natural chemical substance of plant beginning. Interestingly, depression is amongst the three most typical mental illness in which individuals turn to CBD hemp prep work such as CBD oil, full spectrum hemp oil with CBD or CBD capsules. Records from consumers as well as their favorable point of views on the efficiency of e.g. CBD oil or full range hemp oil with natural CBD are growing at an unmatched speed. THC and CBD cannabinoids – distinctions The key cannabinoids in the cannabis plant are THC (Δ9-tetrahydrocannabinol) and also CBD (cannabidiol). They reveal antagonistic effects, which suggests that CBD minimizes the results of THC. What are these effects? THC has an envigorating effect, triggers a sensation of ecstasy, affects cognitive functions, but also loosens up. Big, frequently eaten dosages of THC are considered harmful to the human brain. Too much usage of THC can result in psychosis, lack of inspiration, and even permanent unfavorable adjustments in cognitive feature. Both THC and CBD affect the endocannabinoid system in the human body. Their activity, as currently pointed out, is inconsistent. Cbd-a-thc-in-the-endocannabinoid-1 system When creating photos, CBD slows down the exhaustion of anandamide sources, as well as THC accelerate this procedure. Nevertheless, this does not suggest that THC is just an unsafe cannabinoid as well as needs to not be in the prep work whatsoever. On the contrary. Its little existence in hemp preparations is even essential in order to acquire the so-called result. harmony. THC completely spectrum hemp oil exists in such a minimal as well as, notably, legal amount. This amount is so tiny (less than 0.2) that it does not cause drunkenness. Interacting, THC and CBD have greater capacity than either particle performing alone. What is anandamide (AEA)? What is its relevance for people dealing with anxiety? Read on! CBD, Clinical depression and also the endocannabinoid system The endocannabinoid system is a vital system in charge of the regulation of standard human physical processes, such as energy management, neurohormonal as well as neuroimmune links, motor activity, state of mind and also inspiration, as well as fat metabolic rate. The endocannabinoid system consists of a natural chemical called anandamide (AEA). Anandamide is a natural chemical that is normally created in the human brain. Its manufacturing is stimulated by e.g. physical activity, and also to a minimal extent by the so-called work with the body (massage!). Its resources are "made use of" to keep the proper performance of the body, consisting of in the field of mental health and wellness. As displayed in this study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23580381 high degrees of anandamide are connected with a lowered danger of developing psychotic signs. A high degree of anandamide is likewise related to a favorable result on the reduction of clinical depression and anxiety signs. This mechanism is still not totally comprehended, yet it appears sensible that a strongly depressed state of mind in a private time period for a specific case, and also with the synchronised lack of activities focused on its renovation, results in an increase of the increase of negative ideas. As depressive disorders develop, they can turn into much more unsafe kinds of conditions, e.g. psychosis, deceptions or schizophrenia. Reducing this procedure as quickly as possible might become crucial in the efficient treatment of mental illness of human performance.
Wow, the writing is so sexy. How can I actually write like a person? My spouse and i want to have the similar writing skills as you may.
Thank you for any other informative site. The place else could I get that type of info written in such an ideal
means? I have a mission that I'm simply now operating on, and I've
been at the look out for such information.
erectile functioning https://canadaerectiledysfunctionpills.com/ erectile function after prostatectomy
Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that. And he just bought me lunch because I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!
Magnificent web site. A lot of useful information here.
I'm sending it to a few pals ans additionally sharing in delicious.
And obviously, thank you to your sweat!
Great post, now that so many people are working remotely and working from home.