May 12th, 2011
08:01 AM ET
Who are you fantasizing about during sex?
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
Tell the truth (or rather, think the truth): have you ever fantasized during sex about someone other than the person you’re actually having sex with? Perhaps there’s a particular celebrity that turns you on, or a former flame, or even (heaven forbid) a brother or sister-in-law?
Do taboo thoughts make their way into your most intimate real-life moments? If so, take a deep breath and relax. You’re not alone, in fact you’re probably in the majority. In one study published by The Journal of Sex Research, 98% of partnered men and 80% of partnered women said that they had fantasized about someone other than their partner during sex in the previous two months. Whew!
CNNHealth's sex expert blogger Ian Kerner stops by to talk about the rise in women using porn on HLN's The Joy Behar Show, Thursday, 9 p.m. ET
The truth is, a healthy fantasy life is one of the keys to a great sex life - even when your partner might not always play the leading role. Most people find that they are most sexually satisfied when they are intimate with one person with whom they feel completely comfortable.
Along with this intimacy comes the freedom to let go and explore, including fantasizing about other people, places, and situations. In one study on sexual fantasy by noted expert Dr. Harold Leitenberg it was concluded that sexual fantasies occur most often in people with the highest sexual satisfaction and the healthiest sex lives. So your fantasies aren’t an indication that something is wrong, but rather that something is right.
Fantasies play a valuable role in our sex-lives. First off, they fuel arousal: “Thoughts can create real physical changes in your body, and you can use this to your advantage,” writes sex educator Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “This is why people fantasize even while they’re having sex - the added juice of the fantasy heightens arousal when the physical sensations aren’t enough to get us where we want to go.”
Fantasies also free the brain to explore secret, extraordinary realms without the obligations of everyday life. Kaye Wellings, a respected British biologist, puts it best in her book, "First Love, First Sex:"
“Fantasies perform a valuable function. Most of us, most of the time, behave conservatively, sexually and otherwise. Our erotic experiences represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms of possibilities. Many possibilities only see the light of day through fantasies or dreams, seldom as reality.”
And says Good in Bed expert Ann Potter, “I like to imagine that fantasizing is like putting training wheels on my desires - those desires that are maybe a little too 'out there' for me or my partner to get on board with acting out right away, or ever.”
And when it comes to fantasies, adults do just fine with a permanent set of training wheels, and needn’t bother with graduating to a two-wheeler. The brain is the biggest sex organ and a little fantasizing goes a long way.
So rather than resist your fantasies, let yourself enjoy them. Trying to suppress fantasies may end up doing more harm than good. In the mid-1980s, Dr. Daniel Wegner at the University of Virginia studied the menchanics of thought-suppression in an experiment known as the “white bear study.” Wegner sat people in a room with a tape recorder and told them to say whatever came to mind, with one exception: Don’t think about a white bear. No surprise, people mentioned the bear constantly. The more they tried not to think about it, the more they mentioned it.
By suppressing a forbidden thought the brain never gets a chance to fully process that thought, and what could just be an innocent fantasy suddenly becomes a guilt-laden white bear that won’t go away. Most of the time it’s not our fantasies that are the problem, but rather our reactions to our fantasies - the feelings of shame and guilt, as well as our anxieties and fears about what those fantasies might really mean.
But fantasies are meant to be enjoyed and if they weren’t taboo, well then they wouldn’t be fantasies to begin with.
About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the pictures aren't loading properly. I'm not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I've tried it in two different browsers and both show the same outcome.
This is a really good tip particularly to those fresh to the blogosphere. Short but very accurate infoÖ Thanks for sharing this one. A must read article!
It's a jealous article. It's very remarkable and fresh. Who happen to be you to write this specific special article?
Thanks a lot for the blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Really Cool.
Excellent goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are just too great. I actually like what you have acquired here, really like what you are stating and the way in which you say it. You make it entertaining and you still care for to keep it smart. I cant wait to read much more from you. This is really a terrific web site.
At this level, you can debut as a author. I am so touched. Now i am joyful to meet you. Thank you.
Various types of stainless steel are created relying on the amount of nickel and also chromium in the alloy. Chrome, brief for chromium,
you're really a good webmaster. The web site loading speed is amazing. It seems that you're doing any unique trick. In addition, The contents are masterpiece. you have done a excellent job on this topic!
Thanks , I have just been searching for info approximately this subject for a while and yours is the greatest I've came upon till now. But, what in regards to the conclusion? Are you sure about the supply?
Hi, Neat post. There's an issue with your site in web explorer, would test this… IE nonetheless is the marketplace leader and a big portion of other folks will leave out your fantastic writing due to this problem.
Exactly what a man of potential! You have the potential to compose great items that you can't find anywhere. to envy
Manganese resembles iron in its chemical and also physical residential or commercial properties, yet it is harder and more breakable. Manganese is potentially the most flexible component that can be contributed to copper alloys.
I am not sure where you're getting your information, but great topic. I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more. Thanks for magnificent info I was looking for this information for my mission.
Regards to you, My spouse and i discovered something new. Thank anyone so much. We appear forward to working with you.
I was so fascinated by your blog. Thank you so much.
The very next time I read a blog, I hope that it won't disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, Yes, it was my choice to read through, but I actually believed you'd have something useful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something that you could possibly fix if you weren't too busy seeking attention.
Incredible story there. What occurred after? Thanks!
Welded Carbon Pipe A53 Grade A, API5L Grade B, API5L Grade B/ X42/ X52/ X60/ X65,PSL-1, PSL-2 Sizes 1/2 -48 Sch. 10, STD and XH Single Random as well as Double Random Lengths Seamless Carbon
What an outstanding manner of checking out things.
I was so pleased by your blog. Thank you so much.
You've made some good points there. I checked on the
net for additional information about the issue and found most individuals will go along with your
views on this website.
Distributor/ Channel Partner of Esab Wire and also Fluxes – Stainless Steel Saw Wire, Submerged Arc Welding Wire/ Sub Arc Wire, Saw Wires & Fluxes used by SB Weldcon, Pune, Maharashtra."
Wow, the articles are so sexy. How can easily I write like you? My spouse and i are looking for the exact same writing skills as you.
I'm pretty pleased to uncover this site. I want to to thank you for your time for this particularly fantastic read!! I definitely enjoyed every part of it and i also have you saved as a favorite to see new stuff in your web site.
It is a great deal more than feasible to invest all your time investigating Technology as well as below is something which will allow you to gather up all the truths you require that are one of the most pertinent to your objectives. If you would love to get good outcomes that absolutely matter, you can't avoid the vital steps. On the occasion that you aren't clear concerning a detail or two, return and also look at it once again or ask a person who you count on. You don't desire little problems to hold you down. Among the locations you can go when you wish to learn more is Our Technology Site, which has aided a lot of individuals who are where you are.
Learn more concerning ESAB Welding & & Cutting's total line of top-rated Filler Metals & & Welding Consumables.
Continuously bear in mind, though, in regards to Technology, that there isn't one proper course or plan. Do not think you have to proceed trying a certain means of doing points whenever you are not obtaining the outcomes you would certainly like. There is really no person otherwise that can establish your finest program than you. Anytime you come across a fresh problem, your assumption system, assumptions, in addition to routines should certainly be assessed. That is absolutely the crucial reason why it can be beneficial to have a look over a selection of sources at any time seeking help. Below have a tendency to be a set of Net sites you will probably locate practical while you perform your investigation. They might be Our Technology Site and also Our Technology Site. You will discover it much easier to reveal responses that occur to be right for you if you take into thing to think about the numerous viewpoints of a few other.
On the occasion that points stop working to end up equally as you meant when taking care of Technology, you should not get mad at on your own – it is difficult to comprehend this when you initially start. Accomplishing anything in life starts with beginning in the ideal direction, and also understanding our assumption and desires. When you have a target to realize or a trouble to fix, you have to deal with it a step each time. Beginning is often the difficult component – you can do that now utilizing the points we've just given you. Greater than likely, you will certainly want to find out much more on this subject issue. If that holds true, going to Our Technology Site will offer you a lot extra info.
This is a topic that's near to my heart... Best wishes! Exactly where are your contact details though?
I was so satisfied from your blog. Thank an individual so much.
I quite like looking through an article that will make men and women think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!
May I simply just say what a comfort to find somebody that actually knows what they're discussing online. You certainly understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More people should look at this and understand this side of the story. I was surprised that you are not more popular given that you definitely possess the gift.
Your way of addressin this topic is both terrific and also motivating.
I was wondering u did not mention the most sought after terminology used in all the blog commenting articles and that being dofollow. So, are these a mix of dofollow and nofollow attribute blogs or one should overlook this factor while commenting?
I love the manner you have actually concluded this blog post ...
I guess the most important thing is to steer clear away from spam moderators by putting comment that actually MATTER. Anyways, I’ll be using these blogs. Thank you so much!
The very next time I read a blog, Hopefully it doesn't fail me as much as this one. I mean, Yes, it was my choice to read, but I actually believed you would probably have something interesting to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you were not too busy looking for attention.
I think this is among the most important information for me. And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general things, The web site style is perfect, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers
alprostadil pellet https://alprostadildrugs.com/ alprostadil gel
vardenafil 40 mg https://vegavardenafil.com/ buy vardenafil over the counter online
A lot of thanks for each of your work on this web page. Kate enjoys carrying out research and it's really easy to see why. My partner and i notice all of the powerful tactic you offer invaluable techniques via the website and as well invigorate participation from other people on this area of interest so my simple princess is always learning so much. Take pleasure in the rest of the year. You have been performing a really great job.
Your fantastic is great as in the event it were written by a writer. Let me visit your blog frequently. Thanks always.
What a man of ability! You have the capacity to write fantastic items that you can't get anywhere. to envy