home
RSS
Who are you fantasizing about during sex?
May 12th, 2011
08:01 AM ET

Who are you fantasizing about during sex?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

Tell the truth (or rather, think the truth): have you ever fantasized during sex about someone other than the person you’re actually having sex with? Perhaps there’s a particular celebrity that turns you on, or a former flame, or even (heaven forbid) a brother or sister-in-law?

Do taboo thoughts make their way into your most intimate real-life moments? If so, take a deep breath and relax. You’re not alone, in fact you’re probably in the majority. In one study published by The Journal of Sex Research, 98% of partnered men and 80% of partnered women said that they had fantasized about someone other than their partner during sex in the previous two months. Whew!

CNNHealth's sex expert blogger Ian Kerner stops by to talk about the rise in women using porn on HLN's The Joy Behar Show, Thursday, 9 p.m. ET

The truth is, a healthy fantasy life is one of the keys to a great sex life - even when your partner might not always play the leading role. Most people find that they are most sexually satisfied when they are intimate with one person with whom they feel completely comfortable.

Along with this intimacy comes the freedom to let go and explore, including fantasizing about other people, places, and situations. In one study on sexual fantasy by noted expert Dr. Harold Leitenberg it was concluded that sexual fantasies occur most often in people with the highest sexual satisfaction and the healthiest sex lives. So your fantasies aren’t an indication that something is wrong, but rather that something is right.

Fantasies play a valuable role in our sex-lives. First off, they fuel arousal: “Thoughts can create real physical changes in your body, and you can use this to your advantage,” writes sex educator Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “This is why people fantasize even while they’re having sex - the added juice of the fantasy heightens arousal when the physical sensations aren’t enough to get us where we want to go.”

Fantasies also free the brain to explore secret, extraordinary realms without the obligations of everyday life. Kaye Wellings, a respected British biologist, puts it best in her book, "First Love, First Sex:"

“Fantasies perform a valuable function. Most of us, most of the time, behave conservatively, sexually and otherwise. Our erotic experiences represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms of possibilities. Many possibilities only see the light of day through fantasies or dreams, seldom as reality.”

And says Good in Bed expert Ann Potter, “I like to imagine that fantasizing is like putting training wheels on my desires - those desires that are maybe a little too 'out there' for me or my partner to get on board with acting out right away, or ever.”

And when it comes to fantasies, adults do just fine with a permanent set of training wheels, and needn’t bother with graduating to a two-wheeler. The brain is the biggest sex organ and a little fantasizing goes a long way.

So rather than resist your fantasies, let yourself enjoy them. Trying to suppress fantasies may end up doing more harm than good. In the mid-1980s, Dr. Daniel Wegner at the University of Virginia studied the menchanics of thought-suppression in an experiment known as the “white bear study.” Wegner sat people in a room with a tape recorder and told them to say whatever came to mind,  with one exception: Don’t think about a white bear. No surprise, people mentioned the bear constantly. The more they tried not to think about it, the more they mentioned it.

By suppressing a forbidden thought the brain never gets a chance to fully process that thought, and what could just be an innocent fantasy suddenly becomes a guilt-laden white bear that won’t go away.  Most of the time it’s not our fantasies that are the problem, but rather our reactions to our fantasies - the feelings of shame and guilt, as well as our anxieties and fears about what those fantasies might really mean.

But fantasies are meant to be enjoyed and if they weren’t taboo, well then they wouldn’t be fantasies to begin with.


soundoff (1,789 Responses)
  1. 서울출장안마

    I챠m amazed, I have to admit. Rarely do I come across a blog that챠s equally educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you've hit the nail on the head. The issue is something which not enough people are speaking intelligently about. Now i'm very happy I stumbled across this in my search for something concerning this.

    https://telegra.ph/All-About-Medical-Massage-Therapy-01-27

    February 16, 2021 at 04:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. High-Do-Follow Forum-Backlinks

    High DA PA 50+ Do follow Forum Backlinks: https://www.seoclerk.com/Link-Building/836800/High-DA-PA-50-Do-follow-Forum-Backlinks

    https://www.seoclerk.com/Traffic/840816/1500-USA-Visitors-Daily-For-30-Days-From-Niche-Targeted-Organic-Traffic-From-Google

    February 16, 2021 at 12:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. 우리카지노

    This website certainly has all of the info I wanted about this subject and didnít know who to ask.

    https://www.inprnt.com/profile/oceantrade6/

    February 16, 2021 at 19:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. 카지노사이트쿠폰

    https://blogfreely.net/barkale1/tips-on-playing-round-craps

    February 16, 2021 at 23:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. cranky-montalcini-b24ebb.netlify.app

    Literature For 4 Points Introduction To Poetry Answers
    Github For Education

    my site; pdf file [cranky-montalcini-b24ebb.netlify.app]

    February 17, 2021 at 11:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Energy Booster

    Your way of addressin this subject is both terrific and motivating.

    http://www.scrapality.com/2020/01/stop-your-tiredness-with-these-energy-boosting-tips.html

    February 17, 2021 at 12:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. pdf list

    Peaceful Warrior Yoga Sanskrit Jack Reacher Books
    In Spanish

    Here is my website ... pdf list

    February 17, 2021 at 12:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. 우리카지노쿠폰

    Your style is so unique in comparison to other folks I've read stuff from. I appreciate you for posting when you've got the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this blog.

    https://yogaasanas.science/wiki/Monton_Carlo_Nevada_Hotel_Guidebook_Part_1

    February 17, 2021 at 14:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. 천안출장

    https://www.ted.com/profiles/25696048

    February 18, 2021 at 02:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. face masks

    This post could say so much more 🙁 Please update it sometime?

    http://travelpoint.ge/user/ShanaPonce732/

    February 18, 2021 at 07:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. Increase Domain Authority

    Valuable info. Lucky me I found your site by accident, and I am shocked why this accident did not happened earlier! I bookmarked it.

    http://www.studivz.net/Link/Dereferer/?https://boostdomainrating.com

    February 18, 2021 at 09:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. 우리카지노계열

    http://community.aurorafoss.org/index.php?qa=user&qa_1=pillowcloudy21

    February 18, 2021 at 12:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. 퍼스트카지노주소

    http://bbs.rwx168.com/home.php?mod=space&uid=1175958

    February 18, 2021 at 16:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. Georgie Mcqueen

    I will regularly upload tons of stock imagery but I?m not sure what to do about the copyright issue? please help!. . Thanks!.

    https://bookeworm94.tumblr.com/

    February 19, 2021 at 00:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Alan Adams

    Hi, hope I'm not disturbing you. I was visiting cnn.com and thought I'd drop you a quick message.

    I really thought your site was great but like everyone else I'm sure you could use more visitors.

    Not Just Visitors, but real humans that spend time on your site.

    I'd like to urge you to visit:
    https://qualitytrafficservices.xyz

    Our newtwork provides over 25 Million Unique Visitors a day generating between 50 to 80 Million ad impressions each day.

    We have dozens of affordable packages to test out our services
    High quality – Niche Targeted – Geo Targeted.

    If you would like to talk personlly or have any questions please stop by and chat with me on my website.

    Best Regards,
    Quality Traffic Services
    https://qualitytrafficservices.xyz
    ‪(928) 288-2213

    To be placed on our do not contact list please email remove@qualitytrafficservices.xyz with your domain name.

    February 19, 2021 at 07:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. SocialMedia Services2021

    Social network traffic Facebook likes Twitter Followers Instagram Followers and much more. Our Website: https://smmsupreme.com/

    https://bit.ly/3iYGuRO

    February 19, 2021 at 14:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. DavidWem

    Drugs information for patients. Cautions. can you buy cheap zoloft tablets Everything information about meds. Read here.

    February 19, 2021 at 19:31 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. 선입금없는마사지

    I am in fact thankful to the owner of this web page who has
    shared this enormous post at at this time.

    February 20, 2021 at 01:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. 천안출장안마

    https://edukite.org/members/reportappeal5/activity/940068/

    February 20, 2021 at 02:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. semenax di farmasi malaysia

    Hey there just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The text in your article seem to be running off the screen in Firefox. I'm not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I'd post to let you know. The design look great though! Hope you get the problem solved soon. Cheers

    https://cabinrentalblogyu.tumblr.com/post/641700243081183233/semenax

    February 20, 2021 at 06:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. 후불제출장마사지

    Hi there! This post couldn't be written any better!
    Looking through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!

    He continually kept preaching about this. I will forward this article to him.
    Fairly certain he'll have a very good read. Thanks for sharing!

    February 20, 2021 at 10:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Alan Adams

    Hello, I was just looking at your website cnn.com over and
    thought I would message you on your contact form and offer
    some help. I really like your site but I noticed you weren’t getting a
    lot of traffic and your Alexa ranking isn’t as strong as it could be.

    https://fastwebvisitors.xyz

    Fortunately, I may have an answer for you. I can get you 1,000’s of
    visitors looking at cnn.com ready to buy your product, service or
    sign up for an offer and fast. Our advertising network of over 9000
    websites provides a low cost and effective online marketing solutions
    that actually works. I can help your business get more online quality
    traffic by advertising your business on websites that are targeted to
    your specific market. The Internet is vast but you don’t have to spend
    huge amounts of cash to jump start your business. I can get you 10,000
    highly targeted visitors directly to your website for as little as
    $49.00 for a 30 day trial run.

    It has taken us 12 years to perfect our system and in addition to
    being exciting, it works!!

    If you would like to talk personlly or have any questions please stop
    by and chat with me on my website.

    Thank you,
    Fast Web Visitors
    https://fastwebvisitors.xyz

    To be placed on our do not contact list please email remove@fastwebvisitors.xyz with your domain name.

    February 21, 2021 at 01:31 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. NilaEAutobee

    Good day! I know this really is somewhat off topic
    however i was wondering which blog platform have you been using for this particular site?
    I'm getting tired of WordPress because I've had issues with hackers
    and I'm taking a look at alternatives for the next platform.
    I might be great if you could point me toward an effective platform.

    Also visit my blog – NilaEAutobee

    February 21, 2021 at 11:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. Situs judi Slot mpo terbaru

    Wow, wonderful blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
    you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is
    magnificent, as well as the content!

    February 21, 2021 at 14:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. 샌즈카지노주소

    https://www.ted.com/profiles/26039765

    February 21, 2021 at 16:31 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. buy face masks

    I can think of some other ideas that synergize with your writing. Should I go ahead?

    https://trainingteachers.org.za/groups/greatest-coronavirus-masks-for-optimum-protection-home-cleaning-lab/

    February 21, 2021 at 21:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. https://thuocladientu123.com

    Best view i have ever seen !

    https://www.google.com.vn/url?q=https://thuocladientu123.com

    February 22, 2021 at 09:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. 먹튀검증

    What i don't understood is in fact how you are no longer really a lot more
    smartly-preferred than you may be right now. You are very intelligent.

    You realize therefore considerably with regards to this topic, produced me individually imagine it from a
    lot of varied angles. Its like men and women are not interested until it
    is something to accomplish with Woman gaga! Your personal stuffs nice.
    All the time deal with it up!

    February 22, 2021 at 22:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. 메리트카지노쿠폰

    Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thank you so much, However I am experiencing problems with your RSS. I donít understand the reason why I cannot subscribe to it. Is there anybody else getting similar RSS problems? Anyone that knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanks!!

    http://chentea78.com/home.php?mod=space&uid=184528

    February 22, 2021 at 23:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. R.Rollins

    great content - rick.rollins@dialarmor.com

    https://www.page1ranks.com/

    February 23, 2021 at 02:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Tamesha Dalmata

    excellent points altogether, you simply received a new reader. What would you recommend in regards to your publish that you simply made a few days in the past? Any sure?

    http://zanderpdmv371blog.blogocial.com/What-Does-movers-Mean–32230451

    February 23, 2021 at 02:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. 울산출장마사지

    https://femaleplace4.bladejournal.com/post/2021/02/11/How-to-Fully-Understand-Swedish-Massage-Therapy

    February 23, 2021 at 04:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. 메리트카지노

    http://growthlotion3.bravesites.com/entries/general/the-best-way-to-play-poker

    February 23, 2021 at 10:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. cbd oil dispensaries

    Exactly the sort of material that improves the net. Thanks!

    https://www.sfweekly.com/uncategorized/best-cbd-oil-near-me-buy-cbd-oil-online/

    February 23, 2021 at 11:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. 메리트카지노주소

    https://pbase.com/topics/chainbat2/a_basic_strategy_for_blackja

    February 24, 2021 at 00:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Magic Vapor Shop

    Does anyone have any idea Great Lakes Vapor vape store based in 5320 Valley Station Rd offers eliquid manufactured by Molekule Made In UK E-liquid? I have tried sending them an email at at admin@cloudstix.com

    http://oldportvape5295.blogkoo.com/the-greatest-guide-to-cbd-face-serum-australia-16365000

    February 24, 2021 at 02:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. 메리트카지노쿠폰

    Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon everyday. It's always useful to read through content from other writers and use a little something from other web sites.

    https://knowyourmeme.com/users/deletemarket1/

    February 24, 2021 at 08:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Natacha Nicklin

    There is clearly a lot to identify about this. I assume you made certain good points in features also.

    https://fest-news.kiev.ua/user/realtors-reviews8/

    February 24, 2021 at 20:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. 메리트카지노쿠폰

    You ought to take part in a contest for one of the greatest sites on the internet. I am going to recommend this blog!

    http://ge.tt/8mB7SnA3/v/0

    February 24, 2021 at 23:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Spiral welded pipe Distributors

    Wow, beautiful site. Thnx ...

    https://gumroad.com/i7lezfp532/p/types-of-surface-area-finish-coating-for-steel-bolts

    February 25, 2021 at 05:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. Carbon steel pipe

    Thanks very useful. Will share site with my good friends.

    https://blogfreely.net/h1vvtns263/as-we-understand-the-galvanized-steel-pipeline-has-been-covered-with-a-safety

    February 26, 2021 at 00:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. 007카지노쿠폰

    Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thank you, However I am encountering problems with your RSS. I donít know why I can't join it. Is there anyone else having similar RSS problems? Anyone that knows the solution will you kindly respond? Thanx!!

    http://beautyinfo.eu/user/tankbeam3/

    February 26, 2021 at 16:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Lawyers in Vijayawada

    It’s best to take part in a contest for among the finest blogs on the web. I will suggest this website!

    http://vlnlegalservices.com

    February 26, 2021 at 21:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Best CBD Oil for Dogs

    Your manner of addressin this topic is both remarkable and inspiring.

    https://www.sfweekly.com/uncategorized/best-cbd-oil-for-dogs-in-2019-cbd-oil-for-pets-reviews/

    February 27, 2021 at 02:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. 007카지노

    https://uberant.com/article/1190943-what-to-do-in-las-vegas-if-you-need-a-fan-tan/

    February 27, 2021 at 02:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Name Change Procedure Bangalore

    http://vlnlegalservices.com/name-change-bangalore-karnataka/

    February 27, 2021 at 09:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. zippered wallet

    Thanks very interesting blog!

    Also visit my blog post; zippered wallet

    February 27, 2021 at 11:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. 더킹카지노쿠폰

    An impressive share! I've just forwarded this onto a co-worker who was conducting a little homework on this. And he actually ordered me lunch due to the fact that I stumbled upon it for him... lol. So let me reword this.... Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending some time to talk about this topic here on your web page.

    https://www.genuitec.com/forums/users/courseelbow72

    February 27, 2021 at 22:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Name Change Lawyers

    http://namechangeconsultants.com

    February 28, 2021 at 00:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. 더킹카지노

    http://sc.hkeaa.edu.hk/TuniS/casino-heaven.com/thekingcasino/

    February 28, 2021 at 06:30 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

Leave a Reply to 울산출장마사지


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.