home
RSS
Who are you fantasizing about during sex?
May 12th, 2011
08:01 AM ET

Who are you fantasizing about during sex?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

Tell the truth (or rather, think the truth): have you ever fantasized during sex about someone other than the person you’re actually having sex with? Perhaps there’s a particular celebrity that turns you on, or a former flame, or even (heaven forbid) a brother or sister-in-law?

Do taboo thoughts make their way into your most intimate real-life moments? If so, take a deep breath and relax. You’re not alone, in fact you’re probably in the majority. In one study published by The Journal of Sex Research, 98% of partnered men and 80% of partnered women said that they had fantasized about someone other than their partner during sex in the previous two months. Whew!

CNNHealth's sex expert blogger Ian Kerner stops by to talk about the rise in women using porn on HLN's The Joy Behar Show, Thursday, 9 p.m. ET

The truth is, a healthy fantasy life is one of the keys to a great sex life - even when your partner might not always play the leading role. Most people find that they are most sexually satisfied when they are intimate with one person with whom they feel completely comfortable.

Along with this intimacy comes the freedom to let go and explore, including fantasizing about other people, places, and situations. In one study on sexual fantasy by noted expert Dr. Harold Leitenberg it was concluded that sexual fantasies occur most often in people with the highest sexual satisfaction and the healthiest sex lives. So your fantasies aren’t an indication that something is wrong, but rather that something is right.

Fantasies play a valuable role in our sex-lives. First off, they fuel arousal: “Thoughts can create real physical changes in your body, and you can use this to your advantage,” writes sex educator Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “This is why people fantasize even while they’re having sex - the added juice of the fantasy heightens arousal when the physical sensations aren’t enough to get us where we want to go.”

Fantasies also free the brain to explore secret, extraordinary realms without the obligations of everyday life. Kaye Wellings, a respected British biologist, puts it best in her book, "First Love, First Sex:"

“Fantasies perform a valuable function. Most of us, most of the time, behave conservatively, sexually and otherwise. Our erotic experiences represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms of possibilities. Many possibilities only see the light of day through fantasies or dreams, seldom as reality.”

And says Good in Bed expert Ann Potter, “I like to imagine that fantasizing is like putting training wheels on my desires - those desires that are maybe a little too 'out there' for me or my partner to get on board with acting out right away, or ever.”

And when it comes to fantasies, adults do just fine with a permanent set of training wheels, and needn’t bother with graduating to a two-wheeler. The brain is the biggest sex organ and a little fantasizing goes a long way.

So rather than resist your fantasies, let yourself enjoy them. Trying to suppress fantasies may end up doing more harm than good. In the mid-1980s, Dr. Daniel Wegner at the University of Virginia studied the menchanics of thought-suppression in an experiment known as the “white bear study.” Wegner sat people in a room with a tape recorder and told them to say whatever came to mind,  with one exception: Don’t think about a white bear. No surprise, people mentioned the bear constantly. The more they tried not to think about it, the more they mentioned it.

By suppressing a forbidden thought the brain never gets a chance to fully process that thought, and what could just be an innocent fantasy suddenly becomes a guilt-laden white bear that won’t go away.  Most of the time it’s not our fantasies that are the problem, but rather our reactions to our fantasies - the feelings of shame and guilt, as well as our anxieties and fears about what those fantasies might really mean.

But fantasies are meant to be enjoyed and if they weren’t taboo, well then they wouldn’t be fantasies to begin with.


soundoff (1,789 Responses)
  1. T.D.Jakes Leadership Conference 2016

    http://intranet.fundaciones.org/AEF_ADMIN/GEA-SEND/click.php?id=em541024401f48c&idparent=cw54102032a42d4&customer=cw4b7d69c7427ca&email=nievescuenca@leucemiaylinfoma.com&status=2&url=http://backboneleaders.com

    June 26, 2021 at 16:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. red handed podcast

    I really like reading an article that will make people think. Also, many thanks for permitting me to comment!

    https://www.luerzersarchive.com/goto/url/www.backbonehunters.com/

    June 26, 2021 at 16:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. johnjay and rich podcast

    Hi there, I believe your website could possibly be having internet browser compatibility problems. When I look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine however, if opening in I.E., it's got some overlapping issues. I merely wanted to provide you with a quick heads up! Aside from that, excellent site!

    https://m.yimiaotui.com/index/index/jump?url=http://backbonehunters.com/

    June 26, 2021 at 17:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. 대구출장안마

    This is a topic that's near to my heart... Cheers! Where are your contact details though?

    http://kinoosa.ru/user/y1agaag357

    June 26, 2021 at 20:23 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. buzzsprout podcast

    http://www.nap.halfmoon.jp/ps_nappy1/ps_search.cgi?act=jump&access=1&url=https://backbonehunters.com

    June 26, 2021 at 20:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Lainey

    what is the best cbd flower??

    http://p1spb.ru/user/mit2173/

    June 26, 2021 at 22:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Teacher Leadership

    I'd like to thank you for the efforts you've put in penning this site. I really hope to check out the same high-grade blog posts from you in the future as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my own, personal site now 😉

    https://alexgandel.com/show.aspx?isdefault=1&url=https://backboneleaders.com

    June 27, 2021 at 02:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. 대구출장안마

    I'd like to thank you for the efforts you've put in penning this blog. I am hoping to view the same high-grade content by you in the future as well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has motivated me to get my very own website now 😉

    http://www.garrisonexcelsior.com/redirect.php?url=http://massage5beckettqqqe974.bearsfanteamshop.com/8-go-to-resources-about-daeguchuljangmasaji

    June 27, 2021 at 03:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. Leadership Images

    http://jmp.rgr.jp/jmp/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=265802&url=http://www.backboneleaders.com

    June 27, 2021 at 05:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. major wrestling figure podcast

    http://005.free-counters.co.uk/count-072.pl?count=reg22&type=microblack&prog=hit&cmd=link&url=backbonehunters.com/

    June 27, 2021 at 08:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. Types Of Leadership Styles

    I love it when people get together and share ideas. Great website, keep it up!

    http://m.caijing.com.cn/member/logout?referer=http://backboneleaders.com

    June 27, 2021 at 10:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Leadership

    https://radar.techcabal.com/clicks/track?url=https://www.backboneleaders.com

    June 27, 2021 at 10:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. 먹튀검증

    I really love your blog.. Great colors & theme. Did you make this amazing site yourself? Please reply back as Iím looking to create my own personal blog and would like to find out where you got this from or exactly what the theme is named. Many thanks!

    http://post.12gates.net/member.php?action=profile&uid=60185

    June 27, 2021 at 11:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. What Does Leadership Mean

    An interesting discussion is worth comment. I do think that you ought to publish more on this issue, it might not be a taboo matter but generally people do not speak about such topics. To the next! Kind regards!!

    http://tessa.linksmt.it/es/web/sea-conditions/news/-/asset_publisher/T4fjRYgeC90y/content/innovation-and-forecast-a-transatlantic-collaboration-at-35th-america-s-cup?redirect=https://backboneleaders.com

    June 27, 2021 at 13:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. 부산출장마사지

    Good day! I simply want to offer you a huge thumbs up for your great information you've got right here on this post. I'll be returning to your blog for more soon.

    https://findery.com/k5mnnbn398

    June 27, 2021 at 14:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Dodge Sprinter Mechanic

    http://www.cnainterpreta.it/redirect.asp?url=https://commercialvanrepairshop.com/

    June 27, 2021 at 16:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Rv Mercedes Sprinter Service Center Near Me

    http://sm.p-time.com/out.cgi?id=00704&url=https://commercialrepairshop.com/

    June 27, 2021 at 17:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Repair 2006 Dodge Sprinter

    Howdy, I do believe your blog may be having internet browser compatibility problems. Whenever I look at your website in Safari, it looks fine however, when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping issues. I merely wanted to give you a quick heads up! Aside from that, great website!

    http://big-bad-bass.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=www.fleetservicesocrv.com

    June 27, 2021 at 18:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Sprinter Black Death Repair

    I must thank you for the efforts you have put in penning this blog. I am hoping to check out the same high-grade blog posts from you in the future as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my very own website now 😉

    http://www.organicchemistryonline.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=boxtruckrepairshop.com

    June 27, 2021 at 21:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. Sherrie

    Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog
    and wanted to say that I have truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts.
    After all I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again very soon!

    June 27, 2021 at 23:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. RV Repair Shops Nearby

    Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon everyday. It will always be interesting to read articles from other authors and use a little something from other sites.

    http://скачивалка.рф/dw/?url=https://ocrvcenter.com

    June 28, 2021 at 02:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Repair Mercedes-Benz Sprinter 2500 Automatic Transmission

    http://www.akiba48.net/link.php?url=fleettruckrepairshop.com

    June 28, 2021 at 02:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Camper Repair Near Me

    http://www.comohacerlascosas.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrv.fun

    June 28, 2021 at 03:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. Mercedes Sprinter Chasis Repair

    I like reading an article that will make men and women think. Also, many thanks for allowing me to comment!

    https://kombi-nation.co.uk/execs/trackit.php?user=guest_IuSyD&page=https://sprinterrepairnearme.com

    June 28, 2021 at 07:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Sprinter Return Line Repair

    http://haibao.dlszywz.com/index.php?c=scene&a=link&id=273020&url=http://fleetrepairshops.com/

    June 28, 2021 at 07:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. 울산출장

    An impressive share! I've just forwarded this onto a colleague who was conducting a little homework on this. And he actually bought me breakfast because I found it for him... lol. So let me reword this.... Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending some time to discuss this issue here on your blog.

    http://www.cricbattle.com/Register.aspx?Returnurl=https://www.forexfactory.com/y6rvmyz675

    June 28, 2021 at 08:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Handicap Van Ramp Repair

    Greetings! Very helpful advice within this post! It's the little changes that make the biggest changes. Thanks for sharing!

    http://www.peterblum.com/DES/DateAndTime.aspx?Returnurl=https://ocrvcenter.com

    June 28, 2021 at 13:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. 먹튀검증

    Excellent post. I'm dealing with a few of these issues as well..

    https://autohub.ng/user/profile/348363

    June 28, 2021 at 16:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. 창원출장마사지

    Aw, this was a really good post. Taking the time and actual effort to produce a top notch articleÖ but what can I sayÖ I procrastinate a whole lot and never seem to get anything done.

    http://m.shopinanchorage.com/redirect.aspx?url=http://massage9arnhedtblh.cavandoragh.org/5-qualities-the-best-people-in-the-chang-wonchuljang-industry-tend-to-have

    June 28, 2021 at 17:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. RV Repair California

    I blog frequently and I truly appreciate your information. This great article has really peaked my interest. I will take a note of your site and keep checking for new information about once a week. I opted in for your Feed too.

    https://www.ctgoodjobs.hk/english/count/count_job_detail.asp?ctno=3125150010046&to=https://ocrv.mobi/

    June 28, 2021 at 18:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Ram Luxury Van Repair Shop

    http://geoportal.plzensky-kraj.cz/gs/rss?url=http://ocrv.life/

    June 28, 2021 at 18:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. pharmaceptica.com

    erectile suppliers https://pharmaceptica.com/

    June 28, 2021 at 19:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. RV Repair Near Me

    Nice post. I learn something new and challenging on sites I stumbleupon on a daily basis. It will always be helpful to read through articles from other authors and practice something from other web sites.

    https://booksusi.com/go/?target=http://ocrvart.com/

    June 28, 2021 at 20:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. 먹튀

    Spot on with this write-up, I absolutely believe this web site needs a great deal more attention. Iíll probably be returning to read through more, thanks for the info!

    https://visual.ly/users/purcellhenriksen652/portfolio

    June 28, 2021 at 21:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. RV Repair

    This site was... how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I've found something that helped me. Many thanks!

    http://aff-tracking.dkt.com.vn/click/33966?url=http://orangecountyrvrepair.com/

    June 29, 2021 at 01:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. pharmaceptica.com

    vidalista tadalafil reviews https://www.pharmaceptica.com/

    June 29, 2021 at 01:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. RV Repair Shops Near Me

    https://www.dmsg.de/externerlink.php$?url=https://theocrv.com

    June 29, 2021 at 01:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Mercedes Sprinter Service

    An impressive share! I've just forwarded this onto a coworker who has been conducting a little research on this. And he actually bought me dinner due to the fact that I found it for him... lol. So allow me to reword this.... Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending some time to discuss this matter here on your internet site.

    http://as.inbox.com/AC.aspx?id_adr=262&link=https://www.ocrvcenter.biz

    June 29, 2021 at 01:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. Wheelchair Van Repair Near Me

    http://envios.uces.edu.ar/control/click.mod.php?id_envio=8147&email=gramariani@gmail.com&url=http://www.newrvowners.com/

    June 29, 2021 at 02:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. RV Repair Around Me

    I must thank you for the efforts you've put in writing this site. I'm hoping to check out the same high-grade blog posts from you later on as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my own, personal site now 😉

    https://rahal.com/go.php?id=28&url=http://ocrv.life/

    June 29, 2021 at 02:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. 918Kiss

    Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this post and the rest of the website is also very good. Kiosk 918kiss

    https://register.918kiss.game/

    June 29, 2021 at 03:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. RV Repair Places Near Me

    When I initially left a comment I appear to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on whenever a comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the same comment. Is there an easy method you are able to remove me from that service? Appreciate it!

    http://www.burg-greifenstein.de/cms/page/mod/url/url.php?eid=14&urlpf=https://theocrv.com

    June 29, 2021 at 04:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. 먹튀검증

    Pretty! This has been a really wonderful post. Thank you for supplying this info.

    https://beastlored.com/mybb/member.php?action=profile&uid=168186

    June 29, 2021 at 05:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. 먹튀검증사이트

    This site really has all of the information and facts I wanted concerning this subject and didnít know who to ask.

    http://hzsn419.com/home.php?mod=space&uid=156470

    June 29, 2021 at 05:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Sprinter Van Body

    http://www.rallism.fi/content/fi/3/24006/24006.html?redirect_url=http://ocrv.today/

    June 29, 2021 at 05:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. 888 bet

    Tin Tức, Sự Kiện Liên Quan Đến Trực Tiếp Bóng Đá Nữ Giới keo nhà caiĐội tuyển chọn nước ta chỉ cần thiết một kết trái hòa có bàn thắng nhằm lần loại hai góp mặt trên World Cup futsal. Nhưng, nhằm thực hiện được như vậy

    https://frontsportsbox.com/

    June 29, 2021 at 06:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. 창원출장마사지

    This site was... how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I've found something that helped me. Kudos!

    http://www.soilhydro.unina.it/index.php?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&task=user&id=180111

    June 29, 2021 at 07:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Luxury Rv Shop Near Me

    https://oscarotero.com/embed/demo/index.php?url=https://ocrvexperts.com

    June 29, 2021 at 08:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. 먹튀

    Good info. Lucky me I came across your site by accident (stumbleupon). I have bookmarked it for later!

    https://baccarat9beetcoke33.over-blog.com/2021/06/baccarat-strategy-how-to-play-baccarat.html

    June 29, 2021 at 08:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. Wrap Shop

    Your style is really unique compared to other folks I have read stuff from. Thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I'll just book mark this blog.

    http://funai.gov.br/index.php/component/finder/search?q=http://www.oc-rv.com/

    June 29, 2021 at 10:14 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

Leave a Reply to Mercedes Sprinter Chasis Repair


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.