home
RSS
Who are you fantasizing about during sex?
May 12th, 2011
08:01 AM ET

Who are you fantasizing about during sex?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

Tell the truth (or rather, think the truth): have you ever fantasized during sex about someone other than the person you’re actually having sex with? Perhaps there’s a particular celebrity that turns you on, or a former flame, or even (heaven forbid) a brother or sister-in-law?

Do taboo thoughts make their way into your most intimate real-life moments? If so, take a deep breath and relax. You’re not alone, in fact you’re probably in the majority. In one study published by The Journal of Sex Research, 98% of partnered men and 80% of partnered women said that they had fantasized about someone other than their partner during sex in the previous two months. Whew!

CNNHealth's sex expert blogger Ian Kerner stops by to talk about the rise in women using porn on HLN's The Joy Behar Show, Thursday, 9 p.m. ET

The truth is, a healthy fantasy life is one of the keys to a great sex life - even when your partner might not always play the leading role. Most people find that they are most sexually satisfied when they are intimate with one person with whom they feel completely comfortable.

Along with this intimacy comes the freedom to let go and explore, including fantasizing about other people, places, and situations. In one study on sexual fantasy by noted expert Dr. Harold Leitenberg it was concluded that sexual fantasies occur most often in people with the highest sexual satisfaction and the healthiest sex lives. So your fantasies aren’t an indication that something is wrong, but rather that something is right.

Fantasies play a valuable role in our sex-lives. First off, they fuel arousal: “Thoughts can create real physical changes in your body, and you can use this to your advantage,” writes sex educator Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “This is why people fantasize even while they’re having sex - the added juice of the fantasy heightens arousal when the physical sensations aren’t enough to get us where we want to go.”

Fantasies also free the brain to explore secret, extraordinary realms without the obligations of everyday life. Kaye Wellings, a respected British biologist, puts it best in her book, "First Love, First Sex:"

“Fantasies perform a valuable function. Most of us, most of the time, behave conservatively, sexually and otherwise. Our erotic experiences represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms of possibilities. Many possibilities only see the light of day through fantasies or dreams, seldom as reality.”

And says Good in Bed expert Ann Potter, “I like to imagine that fantasizing is like putting training wheels on my desires - those desires that are maybe a little too 'out there' for me or my partner to get on board with acting out right away, or ever.”

And when it comes to fantasies, adults do just fine with a permanent set of training wheels, and needn’t bother with graduating to a two-wheeler. The brain is the biggest sex organ and a little fantasizing goes a long way.

So rather than resist your fantasies, let yourself enjoy them. Trying to suppress fantasies may end up doing more harm than good. In the mid-1980s, Dr. Daniel Wegner at the University of Virginia studied the menchanics of thought-suppression in an experiment known as the “white bear study.” Wegner sat people in a room with a tape recorder and told them to say whatever came to mind,  with one exception: Don’t think about a white bear. No surprise, people mentioned the bear constantly. The more they tried not to think about it, the more they mentioned it.

By suppressing a forbidden thought the brain never gets a chance to fully process that thought, and what could just be an innocent fantasy suddenly becomes a guilt-laden white bear that won’t go away.  Most of the time it’s not our fantasies that are the problem, but rather our reactions to our fantasies - the feelings of shame and guilt, as well as our anxieties and fears about what those fantasies might really mean.

But fantasies are meant to be enjoyed and if they weren’t taboo, well then they wouldn’t be fantasies to begin with.


soundoff (1,584 Responses)
  1. Rv Alignment Shop Near Me

    http://www.culimolli4x4.it/sito/cmgb/go.php?url=https://ocrvfleetservices.com/

    June 21, 2021 at 15:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. pharmaceptica.com

    erectile dysfunction symptoms https://pharmaceptica.com/

    June 21, 2021 at 15:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. 먹튀커뮤니티

    You should take part in a contest for one of the most useful blogs on the internet. I'm going to highly recommend this website!

    https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/130916871-kastrup

    June 21, 2021 at 17:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. 출장마사지

    Pretty! This has been an extremely wonderful post. Many thanks for supplying this info.

    https://www.webstyling3000.de/qa/index.php?qa=user&qa_1=casino1j7vbkcp562

    June 21, 2021 at 18:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. 먹튀커뮤니티

    Howdy! I simply want to offer you a big thumbs up for your great information you have here on this post. I am coming back to your site for more soon.

    http://neh.co.nz/index.php?option=com_k2&view=itemlist&task=user&id=1177872

    June 21, 2021 at 18:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. Sprinter Van Repair Shop

    I was very happy to find this page. I want to to thank you for your time for this wonderful read!! I definitely loved every bit of it and i also have you saved as a favorite to see new things in your blog.

    https://www.attaka.or.jp/cgi-bin/click3/click3.cgi?cnt=05&url=https://sprintervanrepairshop.com

    June 21, 2021 at 19:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. lich bong da giao huu hom nay

    Tỷ Số đá Bóng Trực Tuyến Thời Điểm Hôm Naythedo. tvTheo thể thức thi đấu, đội thắng ở cặp đấu này sẽ giành tấm vé đến Lithuania vào ngày hội bóng đá lớn nhất thế giới cho futsal. Tuyển futsal Việt Nam bước vào trận play-off lượt đi tranh vé dự play-off World Cup 2021 với sự tự tin. Tuy vậy, HLV Phạm Minh Giang bày tỏ, toàn đội không ngán Lebanon tuy nhiên sẽ tìm cách để khắc chế sức mạnh của đối thủ bởi trên băng ghế huấn luyện là nhà cầm quân Ramiro Lopez, người từng dẫn dắt futsal Tây Ban Nha.|Dựa vào lịch tranh tài, bạn rất có thể sắp xếp công việc

    https://questiontime.info/detail/kenh-k-pm-7671.html

    June 21, 2021 at 20:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. 출장안마

    Howdy! This article could not be written much better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He continually kept preaching about this. I am going to send this information to him. Pretty sure he's going to have a great read. Thank you for sharing!

    https://robman.info/user/casino5l1kbrlj012

    June 21, 2021 at 21:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. 출장마사지

    This is a really good tip particularly to those new to the blogosphere. Short but very precise infoÖ Many thanks for sharing this one. A must read post!

    https://www.chicitybulls.com/member.php?action=profile&uid=12183

    June 21, 2021 at 21:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. 케이출장

    I really like looking through an article that can make men and women think. Also, thank you for allowing for me to comment!

    http://www.bausch.co.jp/ja-jp/redirect/?url=https://k-anma.com/

    June 21, 2021 at 22:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. mediterranean food near me

    https://www.meetme.com/apps/redirect/?url=earme.a2hosted.com/

    June 21, 2021 at 23:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. 먹튀검증

    You are so cool! I don't think I've truly read anything like this before. So nice to find somebody with genuine thoughts on this topic. Really.. many thanks for starting this up. This web site is something that is required on the internet, someone with a bit of originality!

    https://postheaven.net/casino3k6njnhb755/h2-after-the-game-of-rouleete-is-mentioned-most-peopleand-39-s-first-thoughts

    June 22, 2021 at 00:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. Company Van Repair Shop

    http://www.milf-maniac.com/cgi-bin/at3/out.cgi?id=49&tag=toplist&trade=https://sprinterrepairnearme.com/

    June 22, 2021 at 00:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. 출장안마

    Aw, this was an extremely good post. Taking a few minutes and actual effort to create a very good articleÖ but what can I sayÖ I procrastinate a lot and don't seem to get nearly anything done.

    http://www.cvma-korea.org/MyBB/member.php?action=profile&uid=466751

    June 22, 2021 at 00:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. 출장마사지

    Very good post! We are linking to this great post on our site. Keep up the good writing.

    https://canvas.instructure.com/eportfolios/129081/massage6weyladvmqf/The_Most_Influential_People_in_the__Industry

    June 22, 2021 at 04:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. RV And Truck Repair Near Me

    Excellent write-up. I certainly appreciate this site. Keep writing!

    http://www.vigortronix.net/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrvcenter.org

    June 22, 2021 at 04:32 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. 먹튀검증업체

    Very good article. I am dealing with many of these issues as well..

    http://bookmarkloves.com/story7464565/the-thrill-of-playing-poker

    June 22, 2021 at 05:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. 사설토토

    Excellent write-up. I absolutely love this website. Continue the good work!

    https://lookbook.nu/user/8980434-Bernard

    June 22, 2021 at 06:19 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Sprinter Van Alignment Shop Near Me

    Good post. I learn something new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon every day. It's always exciting to read articles from other authors and practice a little something from their websites.

    http://www.inva-life.ru/go?https://fleetrepairshops.com/

    June 22, 2021 at 06:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. 출장마사지

    Oh my goodness! Incredible article dude! Thanks, However I am having troubles with your RSS. I donít know the reason why I am unable to join it. Is there anybody having identical RSS issues? Anyone that knows the solution can you kindly respond? Thanx!!

    https://infoguru.top/user/casino0m9svoxl297

    June 22, 2021 at 08:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. RV Repair Shops Near Me Now

    http://penpower.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrv.biz

    June 22, 2021 at 08:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Van Auto Repair

    http://crucibletests.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=boxtruckrepairshop.com

    June 22, 2021 at 09:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. 출장마사지

    Everything is very open with a clear clarification of the challenges. It was really informative. Your site is very useful. Thanks for sharing!

    http://hd-kinolar.net/user/casino5b3bwtcs250

    June 22, 2021 at 09:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. 출장

    I'm excited to discover this website. I want to to thank you for ones time due to this fantastic read!! I definitely liked every part of it and I have you book-marked to check out new things on your web site.

    https://lexsrv3.nlm.nih.gov/fdse/search/search.pl?match=0&realm=all&terms=http://www.heatherseats@raovat5s.biz/redirect/?url=https://massage4ceacheenoz.shutterfly.com/35

    June 22, 2021 at 09:58 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Sprinter Repair

    http://bubbachef.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=fleetservicesocrv.com/

    June 22, 2021 at 11:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. Camper Repair Near Me

    Great site you've got here.. Itís difficult to find high-quality writing like yours nowadays. I truly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!

    http://www.fif-orientering.dk/FIF/count/go.asp?site=http://ocrv.us/

    June 22, 2021 at 11:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Aline

    Please let me know if you're looking for a author for your site.
    You have some really good articles and I believe I would be a good asset.
    If you ever want to take some of the load off, I'd love to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.
    Please shoot me an email if interested. Kudos!

    June 22, 2021 at 13:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. Rv Technician Shop Near Me

    Greetings! Very helpful advice within this article! It is the little changes that make the most significant changes. Many thanks for sharing!

    http://www.nzautocar.co.nz/Redirect.aspx?destination=https://sprintervanrepairnearme.com

    June 22, 2021 at 14:06 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28

Leave a Reply to RV Collision Repair Los Angeles


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.