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April 7th, 2011
08:29 AM ET
Female infidelity: It's different from the guysIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire. Without those pesky emotions to stand in the way of a potential mistake, a guy is much more likely to get himself into trouble (especially if alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down) or to get involved with someone for whom he has no feelings. That’s not to say that men don't cheat because they're unhappy, in search of an emotional connection or simply bored in their relationship (a topic we’re currently analyzing at Good in Bed), but many of the men I've encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives. That’s one of the reasons there's often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it’s the man who’s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally—whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt. It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late. While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. A University of Washington study found that people who earned $75,000 or more per year were 1.5 times more likely to have had extramarital sex than those earning less than $30,000. And with so many women in the workplace, it’s no surprise that among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work. Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends." Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming. So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it? – She shows less general interest in her partner's comings and goings – She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive – She has less interest in sex with her partner – She's keeping an irregular schedule and spending more time at work – She seems happy, except when she's around her partner – She shows less tolerance of her partner's friends and family – There are unresolved issues in the relationship that have either been ignored or not resolved in a way that's satisfying to her – She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. As Helen E. Fisher, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, says, "Men want to think women don't cheat, and women want men to think they don't cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological game with each other." Maybe this isn’t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men—“boys will be boys,” as the adage goes—when they cheat. But as we’re learning, cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play. |
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Where are your sources? Where are your stastics? This article sounds pretty mysogynistic to me.
Woof, you are either blind to the world or brain dead. This article opens up great discussion. Our laws favor females in divorce and child custody. As one whose wife had an affair with her boss and divorced me, I can assure you that the hell that me and our children have endured is not worth it. Also, the laws need to be changed. Females desire and rightly so, equality. So it is time to step up to the plate. Get rid of antiquated divorce laws.
Sorry Jay the laws are more equal than you believe. For instance, I know someone, female, who worked for a top fortune 100 company and made a very good living. She and her husband had one child. Her husband refused to work. After about 10 years of marriage, her husband found someone online and took off leaving her and their child. He moved to another state with the online girl. He promptly sued his wife for alimony and got it. He then insisted she sell the house he didn't contibute to the purchase of. She bought him out so their child's life was not disrupted anymore than it was. Oh, and never paid any child support. I'm sure there are more stories out there just like this one.
What a stupid article. “While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise”. Shall we assume that all the statistics that follow are made up by your experts?
Cheating is wrong if you are married. If you took vows before God, you will be punished for your wrongdoing. If a woman is divorsed, and she is with another man, she is commiting adultry, and so is he. Problem with today is that the marriage is valued less and less by some. People think that any little problem is a reason to bolt from a marriage. The day is comming and it is not too far from us, we will pay for what is wrong. Guaranteed.
There is no "god". Shut up.
Maybe the rest of us aren't interested in living life based on your silly ideas of god, so stop trying to push them on us.
Frank how do you know their husbands wouldn't do it... Just asking I wonder if these "clients" ever asked thier husbands. Most men I know are up for a challange. 🙂 all in good fun
Frankly, your speculation is just that. CNN publishes more BS every day.
I hate women. Every woman I have been with cheated on me. That's why I am so miserable and sit on my radio and harrass people on 14.272. I am thinking of molesting a polar bear. A male polar bear!
On the moon!
Kind of sounds like it's you then.
Since this article is about WOMEN cheating, your comment would make more sense if you were telling guys to welcome another man in the bedroom. As you stated, marriage is about sharing.
Men aren't mature enough to handle that, but another woman in the bedroom can strap something on and take care of us ladies the same way as another man, plus your partner won't mind. Make your man happy or he's gone and you're one of those bitter many sitting around on Friday night eating dinner over the sink.
ah yes Kerian, the inevitable male-bashing. That didn't take long.
I agree with this part "She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late" but from personal experience I must say, that one must be really truly ready to end the marriage and move on because feeling like and not actually leaving the marriage but going back and forth between your husband and a lover is the hardest thing for both husband and wife. It's hurts everyone involved and not worth it.
Statistics on infidelity are just notoriously difficult to achieve, according to the books that I have read. But, in general, there is a trend showing that it is on the rise for both men and women. My personal feeling is that people need to discuss this in their marriage at some point – because it just is a part of so many marriages. While cheating may not be a death blow to a marriage, I do believe that it is not right and many couples would be better off with an open marriage. Now I know that that phrase evokes images of hippies and swinging – but that image is wrong. It just puts everything above board, and keeps the couple trusting and respecting each other. Not for everyone, sure, but for many it would work.
"...there’s an overall consensus among professionals that female infidelity is on the rise..." Golly, I didn't know there were amateur and professional cheaters!
Golly, I didn't realize there are so many people who can't comprehend what they read.
I'm guessing "big ralph" is too old to go back to school and get an education. Hey! I think I just heard your mom calling you upstairs for din-dins. Pizza Pockets again!
Have you seen my wife! You can have her!
There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman".
I think most families are torn apart by female infidelity because men are not as tolerant of it as women. Period. Most women put up with too much which makes it harder on the women who have higher standards and expectations of their spouses. Another reality is that men are permitted by the dominant macho culture to take what they want when they want it and explain later. Most women find some way to put up with this cultural defect.
I have been with 4 diffrent married women and we enjoyed each other all the time. Thier other half were really men to them, so guys be good to your women cause they WILL look for some enlse on the side.. BELIVE ME!!!
all those people who say when i guy does it its okay but when a woman does it its wrong, cry me river. LIKE U GUYS EVER CHEATED, AND IF U DID THEN WHAT IS WRONG WITH U... it doesn't matter if ur a boy or a girl cheating is bad period.
I feel that monogamy is not natural. Even those from a religous background must acknowledge the numerous concubines that biblical male figures had while married. Check the stats on divorce rates. It's not that we as a society don't have morals, we just have different morals and beliefs. As long as humans feel pressure to be monogamous, adultry will continue to be rampant. Seems backwards, but truth.
Not just concubines, but also wives. Eastern culture (upon which the Bible is based) has always encouraged polygamy. Monogamy is a Western ideal. Even so, we are still creatures of choice.
This is a great article. All the statements are based on facts and sound science. Men and women's behaviors are the result of millions of years of evolution. Men and women have different goals and different strategies to get them.
Listen, when my book comes out- you can all read-it! Woman practice emotions all the time , as they breath in and out. The've only just began to evolve. I mean, men have been out of the cave more often then the women have so-to-speak. but, now we're all hunter and gather's. and so their is a lot of catching up to do very quickly. also, cheating has been around for ever, they just called it something else.
When you write your book, please be sure to hire an editor.
Very surprised to see cnn print such garbage. Rechecked the browser to make sure I wasn't reading FoxNews.
How dare he say that infidelity hurts worse when a female is the one cheating? What an idiot.
I fid this article very interseting being that im going through something similar right now. my husband is hardly ever home and when he is home, he'd rather watch T.V. play video games, talk on the phone among other things and no matter how hard i try im no more than a fly on the wall. im educated with a promising career and a mother of three (his of course) but i can't help but feel non-existant in his life. in retaliation, i have resorted to friends, in particualr through facebook because its hard to get out with three kids at home. not long ago an ex found me and requested to b my friend, knowing this was wrong i denied. however after a few more attempts i gave in and wrote back. this turned into talking over the phone a couple of times. totally platonic conversations but deep inside i felt wrong for doing it because i knew my husband would have a heart attack. on the other hand, it felt good to have some power over my own self conflict of feeling helpless in a relationship that lacked communication among other things. however, after a couple of conversations i knew it had to come to an end or else it would turn into something else that i would not allow. needless to say my husband has found out and we're on the brink of seperation. my emotional tie was more painful to him because the guy is an ex and he believes there is more than what i admit. was it worth it? not at all...but it is a double standard being that he has spoken to exes on fb too. i can't believe that i stuck my hand in the cookie jar without eating any cookies and now im paying the price.
You should be embarrassed for even considering posting this trash as an article, CNN. EMBARRASSED.
Due to the way our bodies are constructed, when a man cheats he just takes a shower and he's as clean as the day he was born. Not so for women. They get "injected" and it's much more personal.
Think about it.
Women need to understand that when a guy hear's it's over.. it's the beginning of over for him.. for you.. it's a done deal.. So what you need to do is quit dropping those little hints he's never going to pick up.. quit feeling lonely and sorry... Tell him it's over before it's over for you.. make him move out or you split, then he'll fall all over himself to respond and get back on track. Don't wait till it's too late.. and don't go off finding a stepping stone in another relationship, unless your done done. Drop the hammer while you still care and you'll get the regeneration and love you want.. having an affair so you can be fulfilled is just cheating yourself(cause u aren't addressing the issue) and cheating him, (because your not being honest). Think back on prior breakups and you'll see i'm right if you were the one that left...
i cheated on my wife with my ex-wife. it was my ex-wife's idea. She was mad at her husband.
And because it was her idea, that made it okay?
Did she get mad at you when you were married to her?
Do you feel guilty? What if your wife finds out?
'because female infidelity is often much more damaging to a marriage. Don’t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship.'
female infidelity is much nore damaging? because it is more likely to end the relationship? maybe that means women are just smarter and have more self-respect. less willing to waste their lives and times with a duplicitious weakling devoid of those 'pesky emotions' but full of alcohol. what a load of 1950's crap.
Self respect? Is that your reason for the rise of cheating women? lol.
Wait, what? If women are "just smarter and have more self-respect," why are they MORE likely to stay with their cheating husbands, or as you so eloquently put it, "waste their lives and times with a duplicitous weakling." The article states that it's FEMALE infidelity that more commonly ends relationships. According to your logic, it's the MEN with more brains and self-respect who won't tolerate cheating, and who thus end the relationship when such cheating is discovered. Not that that's the argument I necessarily subscribe to, but it seems to be where your logic was headed before it made a wrong turn off a cliff.
@ JUST ME–I AGREE WITH YOU–THIS IS A LOAD OF CRAP–ISN'T IS SO DISHEARTENING THAT THESE "MODERN" MALE COUNSELORS ARE AS DENSE AS THE MALE COUNSELORS FROM THE 50s?????
I was annoyed for a few paragraphs, too, but I think the author isn't saying it's okay for men and not for women. I think he's just pointing out the differences in the nature of the cheating between men and women. I've known many people who cheated on their spouses, both male and female, and in every case but one the men had no intention of leaving the relationship and the women were just looking to cement their decisions to get out. I only knew one woman who was a serial cheater who wanted to stay married. I've never cheated because I figure why make a commitment unless you mean it. But I've been cheated on at least twice, and they were both done with me before they even did it. They just needed to prove it to themselves. And for the record, I'm well aware that I was a crummy boyfriend. A faithful one, but crummy is still crummy.
I think it's more of a cuckold thing. A woman's infidelity can manifest 9 months later.
Justme – I don't think you're disagreeing with the author's argument. He's saying that women cheating is much more of a sign that the relationship is "over", because the woman's realized that it isn't going to work. And men's cheating tends to be opportunistic and much less emotional. From what I've seen of the real world I think the author is correct. And I think what you're saying is basically the same thing.
@justyou: Perfectly said.
This article, though poorly researched and based solely on opinions, accurately describes my experiences. I have been married 27 years, cheated numerous times, and they were all one night stands, based on alcohol, opportunity, and lust. For a brief time, after my beautiful wife entered her forties, I was not there for her and kind of checked out on our relationship. She sought out a younger man (from work) and had an intimate relationship with him. I found out. My reaction was somewhat cataclysmic. During our counseling phase, I decided to come clean about my previous experiences. She was able to move past it and forgive me much more easily than I did.
Our relationship (5 years later) is much stronger now. I trust her fully now, though that did take a while.
Maybe the reason she forgave you is because most of the time women feel like they have no choice. Maybe the reason you got so angry with her is because you are insecure.
No, she has lots of choices. Insecure? I have no doubt, you are correct.
TEX, HOW COME YOU WERE ALLOWED–IN YOUR MIND– TO BE AN UTTER PIG??? - AND SHE WASN'T? FOR THE RECORD–I'M FOR NO ONE BEING A PIG. WEREN'T YOU EVER AFRAID YOU'D CONTRACT HIV, GENITAL WARTS, GENITAL HERPES???? AND THEN PASS THEM ON TO YOUR UNSUSPECTING WIFE?????????????????
Tex- Happy to hear you both worked through your demons.
My husband cheated on me a few times, and I found out about it (he told me). She *was* my best friend, and married as well (fyi- as this article points out, her husband is taking it way harder than I am. He is more angry than hurt). He was not emotionally invested, though I think she was. It has been very hard to deal with, and I have had so much more pain than anger.
We are in counseling, and I am working toward forgiving him. I know he loves me, and how deeply he loves me (for you cynics, no I am not in denial); and I am still so in love with him. He is devastated at how badly he hurt me, and himself really, through all of this. I can see and even feel *his* pain. I do get angry every so often, and was the day I found out for sure, but the pain is so much greater.
I have gotten to a point where I cry less, and think about it way less. We are in a good place, a loving place. I believe in us. I look forward to it being a distant memory of selfishness on his part. We still plan to grow old together.
Texas is once again named the most backwards, brain dead and sad state in the union. Men cheat and women cheat, reason? They are humans and humans care nothing for each other. Hell if what you see on the news does not show that, then nothing I can say would help.
ngl,
good luck and patience with your problems. the hardest thing for me to work through was trust. Ironic, since I had cheated, too. Only with TIME will you learn to trust again.
Again, to the obviously very angry posters: This is a very emotional subject. I fully admit that I was wrong. I'm in a better place now. Good luck to you dealing with your own demons.
Thank you for this article. I will use this information to target your wives in the future, married guys.
LOL exactly what I was thinking!
Good luck. My wife is way too smart to fall for your crap.
uh... any cheating means the relationship isn't working out. It doesn't matter who is doing it.
they believe they are wannabe?
Hey, thanks for throwing the unnecessary gay bashing into your comment! Idiot.
AHHHHHH!!!!!! Who is @Frank???? Where is his post??? All of you are talking about Frank and there's nothing here from Frank!!!!
Sometimes if enough people report a post as "abuse" or just plain vulgar, it will be removed. Reading some of the replies, it sounds like old Frank wasn't the most refined guy posting here...
I've not read too many replies, but in response to the article......... Ugh. Using the same quote as *justme...
'because female infidelity is often much more damaging to a marriage. Don’t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship.'
What on earth are these people talking about? Just because women are finally starting to approach the same numbers as cheating men, and there are more man hearts are being affected by this doesn't mean that the women are more damaging. Men who cheat are almost nonchalant about the fact with statement like, "Hey, I'm a guy," blah, blah.
This article is ridiculous. I don't want nice people to get hurt, obviously, but to those who are cheaters and are now experiencing it, GOOD! Men, if you've dished it, and are now wounded, yay! You deserve it. And if your marriage ends because of it, well maybe it should have ended when you cheated. What the heck? How on earth has such a double standard been allowed in print?
Maybe, just maybe, women are more resilient than men and their wounded egos don't account for every single nuance of their being and they stick with a crap marriage and a crap husband. Maybe men just can't be that tough.
For everyone who's been cheated on, but completely faithful themselves, I'm sorry you were hurt. That's awful.
End rant.
Sarah - you assume that the men being cheated on deserve it because they themselves cheated. Stereotype much??? What about guys who remain faithful, but get cheated on anyway? My dad was completely faithful, but my mom had an affair at work with a serial cheater. Dad was willing to work it out, but she dumped him for the other guy. A year later, she realized what a fool she'd been, but by then Dad had found a woman who appreciated him. Too late, baby!
tosonofacheatingmom–sarah said to the cheaters who have cheated, so she didnt assume that all guys cheated on were not faithful themselves and if you read, at the bottom she expressed sorrow for those who had remained faithful and were cheated on.
Often times, poor editing skills all too often ruin what might often be a good article, because the writer often uses a particular word too often. Often.
and often a post is ruined because it is posted more than once
and often a post is ruined because it is posted more than once
and often a post is ruined because it is posted more than once
and often a post is ruined because it is posted more than once
glad you're perfect 😉
Often: used 12 times.
Doesn't matter 'why'. A cheat is still a CHEAT!
Simple yet well said...
Often times, poor editing skills all too often ruin what might often be a good article, because the writer often mistakenly uses a particular word too often. Often.
oh, so here we go again. when men do it , it's o.k.[not great, but we'll get over it] but when the tables are turned it's so much more damaging. The man cheats when he can, and the woman cheats because she feels no love either for or coming from her other.Or she's just deluded by the society that perpetuates articles like this one
yep-the go old double standard.
So women are just victims, used by a society which doesn't care? Please. Women are empowered to be just as shallow as many men are. That's why lots of them cheat now–they can.
Am I reading the same article you are/? he does not say it's ok for men to cheat. he is saying that when women cheat, it is because the relationship/marriage is basically over. the cheating comes (usually) after a period of dissatisfaction/trying it out and the cheating serves the purpose of finally disengaging from their partner. therefore, marriages where the woman cheat end more often in divorce, because the woman is done. Whereas men(apparently) can cheat while still loving their spouse and have no feelings for the other woman nor desire to leave their spouse for her. therefore, that marriage/relationship has abetter chance for survival. Having observed these two scenarios many, many times in my life I can attest that it is absolutely true. I think you misunderstood the information. Read the article again. He is not making excuses for men at all.
"Maybe this isn’t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men"
I don't understand the logic of this statement at all in terms of the articles subject matter. Sounds a lot like pandering to women. If a man is cheating and he is forgiven, then it's a woman doing the forgiving. What does some sort of cultural double standard have to do it with it? If a guy cheats on his girlfriend or wife then she can simply drop him. What's stopping her? If their is a cultural double standard it's on the shoulders of women, they can change it anytime they want.
Wish I could go back a few years and know what I know now. My husband would be crawling on his hands and knees. Moms are busy raising the children that are produced with the help of the husbands. When we have time to play around most of us are beyond caring anymore about the past.
All this male vs female crap is getting old. S-e-x party?
Yup – at Stewie's house!
is this post a belated april fool's? gosh! i'm ashamed for the writer!
so based on a lot of these responses, it seems like cheating is pretty common place. anyone out there who just doesn't cheat because of, like, honor or something?
If 99% are cheating why cannot make it norm of life?
Yes, because this poll is SOOOO scientific.
A lot of women seem to be angered by this article because they are jumping to the conclusion that the article is saying that male cheating is okay whereas female cheating is not. But if you read it carefully, what is actually says is that when men cheat, it doesn't mean they want to break up, but when women cheat, they are actually in love with another man already and so there is less chance going forward, whether the man forgives her or not. It's an observation, not a recommendation! Get with it ladies!
Straight to the point. While you are dating you can do whatever you want with whoever you want because you are not married but you MUST be honest about it. If you are going to be with other people, tell your partner. When you are married it's until death do you part. Don't get married if you have any second guesses because you CANNOT wonder off. Get a divorce IF you can't stay faithful.
HONESTY!!! HONESTY!!! HONESTY!!! Then, there are no surprises!
If more men are cheating than women, who are the men cheating with?
Single people.
I would say that the men are mostly cheating with single people, while the women are mostly cheating with other married people. When you look at it in this light, you will see that it really makes no difference. I also believe this is why women are less likely to be caught - because they tend to cheat with people that won't spill the beans about it.
What I got from the article:
Women are better at rationalizing dirtbag behavior and men are more comfortable accepting that they're dirtbags.
Can get more perfect than this post! LMAO!
CAN'T! CAN'T! (banging head on desk)
Okay, let's settle down folks. This is an opinion piece, not a scientific journal. The point he's trying to make: women more often cheat because they are unhappy in the relationship. Once they're caught they have already decided that the relationship is not worth fighting for.
Folks...Folks...Folks... Marriage is a dead concept.