Female infidelity: It's different from the guys
April 7th, 2011
08:29 AM ET

Female infidelity: It's different from the guys

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

In a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it’s the female partner who’s been doing the cheating.  In recent years I’ve noticed a precipitous rise in the number of men who have been betrayed by adultery, and while there’s an overall consensus among professionals that female infidelity is on the rise, the trend doesn’t garner nearly as much attention as male infidelity  That’s surprising, because female infidelity is often much more damaging to a marriage. Don’t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship.

It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire. Without those pesky emotions to stand in the way of a potential mistake, a guy is much more likely to get himself into trouble (especially if alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down) or to get involved with someone for whom he has no feelings.

That’s not to say that men don't cheat  because they're unhappy, in search of an emotional connection or simply bored in their relationship (a topic we’re currently analyzing at Good in Bed), but  many of the men I've encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives.

That’s one of the reasons there's often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it’s the man who’s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally—whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt.  It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late.

While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. A University of Washington study found that people who earned $75,000 or more per year were 1.5 times more likely to have had extramarital sex than those earning less than $30,000. And with so many women in the workplace, it’s no surprise that  among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work.

Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends."  Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming.

So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it?

–         She shows less general interest in her partner's comings and goings

–         She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive

–         She has less interest in sex with her partner

–         She's keeping an irregular schedule and spending more time at work

–         She seems happy, except when she's around her partner

–         She shows less tolerance of her partner's friends and family

–         There are unresolved issues in the relationship that have either been ignored or not resolved in a way that's satisfying to her

–         She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time

Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. As Helen E. Fisher, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, says, "Men want to think women don't cheat, and women want men to think they don't cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological game with each other."  Maybe this isn’t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men—“boys will be boys,” as the adage goes—when they cheat. But as we’re learning, cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play.

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  1. Chris D

    "She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time"

    I thought this applied to all marriages with kids.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jokester

      Exactly. That's complete BS. Bottom line: Kids or not, make time for your honey. It can be done. Just do it.

      April 8, 2011 at 10:52 | Report abuse |

    @FRANK are you mad i got your girl. Im not one for sloopy seconds but she was untouched sad bro

    April 7, 2011 at 15:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. Bambezzled

    All just a crock of ish. Marriage (and the accompanying "fidelity") is, and always has been a part of the socially engineered oppression of women and children. It's why women couldn't work outside of the home, not that they weren't capable, but because the patriarchal model demanded it. This way women would HAVE to make a life-long commitment to some man. IN NO SOCIETY PAST OR PRESENT has male lifelong fidelity been an actual enforced social more. What men got out of the deal was basically indentured servants in the way of women and children. They also no longer had to compete for the opportunity to mate every time. Even the most indolent of men, who neglected their purposed gender roles (i.e. providing for family) could rule the roost, yet women were allowed little, if any deviation from their made-up gender roles.

    Men and women cheat for the exact same reasons, we just have this overwhelming need to interpret it differently to enforce gender stereotyping. As the playing field continues to level between men and women, marriage will become more and more obsolete. Seeing as how monogamy is not a natural HUMAN trait, nor in particular, a very desirable one, I for one will be glad of marriage's demise.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Rg

    My wife shows all those symptoms, but she never leaves the house. I think she's fallen in deep love with the Tivo.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. neverthoughtidcheat

    I wasn't looking for an emotional connection and wasn't planning on cheating, but my marriage was on the rocks for years and my husband never tried, so 1 night i met a guy and realized what I have been missing for the last decade. He caught me sending txt messages and now I am getting divorced. I could not be happier and only regret not divorcing him years ago. I wasted way too much time with my husband and am happy to move on.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:45 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jokester

      You weren't looking for an emotional connection - but that's EXACTLY why you left! See how women are so good at contradicting themselves?!?

      April 8, 2011 at 10:54 | Report abuse |
  6. Cheater!

    I've been cheated on , as well as cheated. two can play this game call' relationship"...the only difference I was never caught..It happens!.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. woody

    BUMBLE! I for one have NEVER been in a sleazy hotel with a TRANNY!

    (well, not one named armani at least)

    April 7, 2011 at 15:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. ScDiva

    Wow....a little bitter?

    April 7, 2011 at 15:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. Frank

    They cheat, get a lawyer and you sue for adultery, and shoot to keep everything. That's what they would do to you.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Robert

    This article pretty much describes the situation I had with my ex-wife. What I came to realize is prior to our marriage she always targeted married or attached men, one whose wife was pregnant. After I divorced her she went after her young tennis coach (also had a long time girlfriend) and the latest is a married man who she has been involved with for about two years now. It seems this way she can have all the romance and passion and then they go home to their wives. It works for her. Being married to me wasn't in her DNA.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:51 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jokester

      Don't blame her. Blame yourself for not paying attention!

      April 8, 2011 at 10:56 | Report abuse |
  11. Annie

    funny, i started doing all of the things above towards my ex but I wasn't cheating, I just wanted out.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Sweet2th

    I think women are more anxious to get married because they want to have children and have the dream life. So they often look over a man’s flaws to get what they want thinking they can live with it or he will change. Then after so many years they find out that they can’t live with it and he won’t change. Then they start looking for what they wanted in the first place. This is why we should rely on God’s guidance in marriage. Prayer goes a long ways in saving a marriage. As the old saying goes a family that prays together stays together.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:53 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jimbo

      Praying? You just need to realize you can't change a man, the immaginary friend isn't going to help that.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:07 | Report abuse |
    • Jokester

      EXACTLY, Jim! ^5

      April 8, 2011 at 10:57 | Report abuse |
  13. troublesome

    This article was dead on for my marriage. I was married to my high school sweat hart for 15 years. Was cheated on 3 times of which I only knew about 2. Both times it was always about how I would not pay no attention to her or would not listen/talk to her. They were not one night stands and were stuck due to online friend sites. I have been faithfull through the marriage and never once had the thought to do it. I took partial blame on the first one and did the forgive and forget. The second one I couldnt handle as we had a child now. I will say I had chances to do it, but knew i was married and revenge was not the thing for me to do. I tried to do the forgive and forget again but it kept killing me inside and could not get past it this time. My mind and thoughts we killing me with the questions I wanted answers to but knew I could not handle the answers. Therapy doesnt help at all. I had to end it and I left her. After 15 years of marriage and 21 years of being together. To this day i am still a emotional wreck as i still have to see her if I want to see my daughter.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • RogerReady

      Man I feel for you but you have to realize that it is not your fault. Your ego is hurt but she should be the one who is embarrassed because she cheated. Think about it. In a committed relationship your ex went behind your back, put herself first over you and the child and did what she wanted. She is not worth thinking about., no more than if you stepped in dog droppings and you needed to wash it off. You are the moral person in the relationship and right now it is between her and God.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:53 | Report abuse |
  14. Sophie

    "In a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it’s the female partner who’s been doing the cheating." If this doesn't represent the typical male egocentric perspective, I don't know what does. Why is it even truer when the female cheats? Men think that we women are immune to the pain? I mean, give me a break. It hurts us just as badly as it hurts them.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Patricia

      perhaps because women are more forgiving

      April 7, 2011 at 16:42 | Report abuse |
  15. Rox

    The real issue at hand is the fact that women are more likely to forgive and move on with the marriage. The reason men can't deal with it is the fact that it is a total blow to their ego. They just can't get over it. That's why more marriages break up when women cheat.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Eber

    I've never cheated on anyone... but I sure have cheated with.

    April 7, 2011 at 15:59 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jokester

      Great, as long as you understand that it makes you no better.

      April 8, 2011 at 10:58 | Report abuse |
  17. Maggie Bright

    Everybody cheats

    April 7, 2011 at 16:01 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jimbo

      ^Another b*mbo who can't keep her legs closed. Keep on trying to make yourself feel better about your actions by justifying what other people do. No, not everyone cheats....I take pride in loving my girl and the moment I realize I won't it's time to talk. I expect the same in return, if you cheat your gone forever, no second chances.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:16 | Report abuse |
    • Ayush

      @ Jimbo.

      Exactly my sentiments. You cheat , you are out of my life. As simple[hard] as that.

      April 7, 2011 at 21:49 | Report abuse |
    • emlly

      i never have cheated and never will

      April 12, 2011 at 13:48 | Report abuse |
  18. The Woof

    People will do what they want to do as long as they justify it in their minds. It doesn't matter if you are rich, middle class or poor. The fact that your survey or study or whatever you want to call it, shows that more women are "cheating" wasn't really worth the time or money that was spent doing it.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:10 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jake's Gay Lover

      I'm sure that your bible tells you all that ever needs to be known.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:51 | Report abuse |
    • SeattleDan

      What? Who mentioned anything about a Bible?

      April 7, 2011 at 17:31 | Report abuse |
  19. student(guy) patrick

    Alot of people do cheat but its only when you keep asking them if they cheat. ^.^ Its really stupid that people ask if you cheat because it shows that you dont trust your partner so your partner will usually take it like that and will decide to cheat. So quit thinking it if you dont have proff not all men cheat and not all women cheat.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. student(guy) patrick

    V-V this isnt about ipods its about someone doing it with your wife be more serious. or your husband idk if ur a guy or not so yeah.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. Burbank

    That is so much chauvinistic baloney! It hurts women just as much as men. Men like to dish it out but they sure whine and cry when the shoe is on their own foot for a change. What's good for the goose is good for the gander! Cry me a river!

    April 7, 2011 at 16:19 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Dover

      I think you left out a few cliche' one liners there.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:42 | Report abuse |
    • rock


      April 7, 2011 at 16:43 | Report abuse |
    • Ms. Kay

      You are so absolutely right! Why is it that a woman can forgive a man for cheating, but if she does it to him, it is completely unforgivable. Men are always talking about how they can't help it and it's just in their jeans ( I know how I spelled it)! That's a whole lot of bs. Some women are insecure and don't think that they can do better than what or who they have, and some just believe in their relationship so they choose to stay. Women are so much stronger than men emotionally. Bunch of cry babies! If you were doing your jobs at home, she wouldn't have a reason to leave!

      April 7, 2011 at 17:16 | Report abuse |
    • Bonbon

      While I agree that men can be big babies and gawd forbid a woman cheats on him, it's the end of the world and as a woman who has been cheated on more times than I care to admit, I believe I know what I'm talking about. However, I think the article was saying the reason it seldom works out after a woman cheats is not because men are big babies, but because by the time a woman cheats, she has already left the marriage emotionally and there is no turning back. Men will cheat just because they can and rarely have intentions to leave the marriage. The "tend" to be less attached to the person they are cheating with or see it as a thrill. For women, generally speaking, of course, that is not the case unless they are ready to move on. I'm just sayin'

      April 7, 2011 at 17:48 | Report abuse |
    • the men

      Actually that's not true. Women seem to love jerks but don't give nice guys the time of day. LOL it's evolution. Women want the alpha male who can do better than her. Idiots.

      April 7, 2011 at 18:34 | Report abuse |
    • dest

      From my personal experience the article is right on track. The interesting part in these discussions is the guy is always the bad guy in having affairs. Where does the female accountability fall in. Without a willing female the male couldn't make a connection. So whos really at fault or the worst? To hook up takes two. Myself and most men I know its not the emotional connection thats important when shopping around. Here today gone tomorrow. Not saying its right or fair, its just the way it is.

      April 7, 2011 at 18:35 | Report abuse |
    • Katz

      I know alot of women that have forgiven their husbands or boyfriends for cheating on them. Its been for one or both of two reasons... The kids sake and/or financial security. Plain and simple, they would have kicked um to the curb if they felt like they could. Who wants to try to find a DECENT guy, when you're toting excess baggage? Unless you've found a more financially secure guy before you left the relationship, there are no guarantees. Lets face it, women have the offspring and still depend on a man in most cases to be the majority provider. Heaven help men when that changes, because women just won't want the burden of most men. The shoe will definitely be on the other foot.

      April 7, 2011 at 19:21 | Report abuse |
  22. steve

    my 5 previous wives would attest to the accuracy of this article!

    April 7, 2011 at 16:21 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Obligatorasity

      poor Steve!

      April 7, 2011 at 16:34 | Report abuse |
    • gobucks

      You really pick the winners, eh Steve?

      April 7, 2011 at 18:06 | Report abuse |
    • Jokester

      Sorry, Steve, but you pranced right into that one.

      April 8, 2011 at 11:00 | Report abuse |
  23. eddie santos

    heap i agree 100% its all good lol

    April 7, 2011 at 16:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. Elle

    So many stereotypes and so little research makes for news these days. Hmph.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:26 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ally

      Couldn't agree more Elle. This article is almost soley based on opinion and emotions (which is ironic since apparently, men hardly have to worry about "those pesky emotions" getting in the way). All I ask for is legitimate evidence to support his claims, and that is something that is lacking across the board in this article.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:55 | Report abuse |
  25. Rory

    "She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive/She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time"

    Really? Unless you work in the same place, why should it matter what you look like to your partner? And if you have children, THEY NEED TO COME FIRST. I always thought that was common sense. Yeah, if you're able to find time for each other, great–but don't prioritize it above your kids! Otherwise, why did you have/keep them?

    April 7, 2011 at 16:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • David

      Obviously if you have kids you need to take care of them but that doesn't mean you put them before your spouse. Working together to have a strong marriage is one of the best examples a couple can set for their children. "Putting kids first" sounds great on the surface but is actually a detriment to their development. If a child's every desire and want comes first that child will learn to be selfish and unappreciative. That is what is wrong with so many young people today...they grow up believing the world revolves around them.
      As for dressing up for your spouse, no one wants to come home every day to see their husband or wife looking like a slouch. Dressing up every now and then for your spouse shows that person that he/she is worth the extra effort and attention.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:57 | Report abuse |
    • Jim

      Rory's partner is cheating!!!

      April 7, 2011 at 16:59 | Report abuse |
    • Anthony

      You're wrong there. First of all, you should want to make yourself appealing to your partner, otherwise why be with them? Yes, the children are important. Yes, they need attention. NO, they don't need to come first. When a couple puts their children first in their marriage, they tend to stay together until the children are out of the house. After that, they look at each other and ask "who are you?" The question of why did you have/keep them is moot. The reasoning doesn't really matter as long as you love them and make sure that they know you love them.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:06 | Report abuse |
    • Caligirl

      I totally agree with Rory. Of course helpless children come first. A man/woman can take care of themself, a child cannot. They can't cook, clean, work, drive, etc, so of course their needs come first. A man should be able to do all those things himself and not rely on his wife. What did he do before she came along, afterall? I don't wash my husband's clothes and we both take turn cooking, and cleaning...that's how it should be. You shouldn't spoil your kids OR your husband/wife! I do not dress up when I get home. I take off my work clothes and get comphy and take off my earrings and makeup. He gets comphy too. If he wants to see me dressed up, then he has to take me out somewhere where it's appropriate. Watching tv at home and cooking or cleaning, there's no need to dress up! Putting your children first does NOT equal spoiling them and giving them everything they ask for.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:10 | Report abuse |
    • julian

      your partner must be first..your kids are leaving you once they grow up .....and your parter will never leave you unless he dies..fk the kids.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:10 | Report abuse |
    • LDV

      Rory is right that the kids always come first. It's interesting that it is mostly men who replied that the kids shouldn't come first. Only a truly mature man realizes that his children's needs (and please note that I said "needs" not "wants") should always be placed before either parent. The problem with every generation since the Boomers is that we have wants and needs confused, and we have really forgotten that having a family, and being responsible parents, has always meant, and still does, the sacrifice of your wants for your children's needs. Ultimately, in the collective length of a long term relationship, possibly 50 years for those who hang in there, you will probably need to spend half of that raising and tending to the needs of your offspring. And from my point of view, this is hardly a sacrifice when I see my children growing up to become well-adjusted, happy, caring, and giving individuals. Children come first. if you can't give that much of yourself, you shouldn't have them.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:32 | Report abuse |
    • ohsnap

      That's a mistake many people make. Your partner is the most important, not your children. I'm not saying children are not important, they are, but nothing should come between you and your spouse. You married him/her, NOT your children.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:39 | Report abuse |
    • ohsnap

      And just for the record, I'm a woman.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:42 | Report abuse |
    • sailor

      Rory, you think exactly like my ex-wife.
      Which is exactly why she is my ex-wife.

      April 7, 2011 at 18:11 | Report abuse |
    • albert

      It's about balance. Both should come first. The entire family should come first. You have a very narrow minded view.

      April 7, 2011 at 18:34 | Report abuse |
    • ryaker

      I know I'm a male and I am going to say the children don't come first, but that is in their best interest. Ever been on a plane. What do they tell you to do? Put your oxygen mask on yourself first before the kids. If you die or pass out the kid has no one. So they tell you take care of yourself first so you are able to take care of your kids. That is why the kids shouldn't come first, because if as a woman you give and give and give, you burn out, and your kids don't get the best mom they can. If you put yourself and your relationship before the kids, the kids get a happy well taken care of nourished mom.
      Its not being selfish to put yourself first, if you don't put yourself first moms you have nothing to give.
      This isn't about not prioritizing the kids and ignoring them, its not an all or nothing deal. Its about filling yourself up so you have lots to give. If you put your relationship first it becomes a safe harbour, a source of emotional nourishment, a place to fill up your tank to be able to give more to your kids.

      April 7, 2011 at 18:40 | Report abuse |
  26. mr doe

    Couldnt agree more. All you ladies wanna try it, dont be shy to ask 🙂

    April 7, 2011 at 16:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Realist

    You people are ignorant.

    Humans were NOT meant to be monogamous. Marriage and partnership was shoved down our throat by religious zealots.

    Why is it that almost every other creature on this planet is completely fine without being paired with a mate for life – but we humans "need" it?

    The laws of of life say we were meant to survive, not "fall in love."

    April 7, 2011 at 16:30 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Justin

      Agree 100%..........We're the only "mammal" that is "supposed" to stay with one person the rest of our lives. Shenanigans.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:39 | Report abuse |
    • BuffaloBig

      The "laws of life" also say "only the strong survive," but I bet you favor government health care, unlimited welfare, social security as a retirement fund and 99 weeks of unemployment.

      April 7, 2011 at 16:40 | Report abuse |
    • news flash

      Thousands of mammals mate for life including the primates.

      Primates include: Chimpanzees, Mountain Gorillas, Bonomos, Baboons, Spider Monkeys, and so on. Most humans obviously mate for life despite there being an increasing of 1/3 divorce rates in some parts of the world.

      Canis include: Wolves, Jackals, mosty Coyotes, and many other Canis animals are also known to mate for life.

      Vulpes include: Almost every fox, though it is usually the Red Fox.

      Felines inlcude: Lions are the sole wild cats that actually mate for life.

      Alluridaes include: Very few Red Pandas mate for life but there are those that do. It is also theorized that some of the extinct relatives of the red pandas may have also mated for life.

      Beavers, otters, and Prairy voles are examples of rodents that mate for life.

      Bats, depending on the species, sometimes mate for life

      A few hoofed animals also mate for life, such as the moose, caribou, or the mouse deers.

      Kangaroos and Wallybees are among the many marsupials that are known to mate for life.

      Some elephants also mate for life, but this is often depending on the herds they were raised in.

      Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_mammals_mate_for_life#ixzz1IsBBgZOs

      April 7, 2011 at 16:54 | Report abuse |
    • Rebecca

      Uh, I hate to break it to you, but there are a LOT of animals that mate for life, such as wolves, swans, bald eagles and penguins.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:02 | Report abuse |
    • Caligirl

      Yeah, well maybe some of us humans were meant for monogomy...but not all, like yourself. I trully believe not all people should get married and definitely not have kids. You have to make those huge decisions for yourself, knowing what it takes to succeed at them and it takes sacrifice, not selfishness. If you can't give up being selfish, don't get married or have kids. Men don't understand how much things do HAVE to change when you have a baby. Yes, you have to be selfless and give up being selfish. It's a huge change that must happen. Women I guess are just better at this generally speaking. You are no longer the center of your wife's universe, your child is. Even if you dont have children it's not like relationships ever stay the same. You grow older, less attractive and just don't gloat over your spouse as easily or as much. That's just life!

      April 7, 2011 at 17:17 | Report abuse |
    • albert

      People like you are the reason for the problems in the world. Live like wild beasts, really? So let's shut down prisons, have no laws, allow pedophiles to run loose, etc. We are just animals right?

      April 7, 2011 at 18:38 | Report abuse |
    • Jokester

      Regardless of whether we were genetically imprinted for monogamy, we are still separated from most other species by the fact that we have theory of mind. We are aware of good and evil and are capable of making our own choices. The imprinting may make the choices more difficult, but we can still make them.

      April 8, 2011 at 11:03 | Report abuse |
  28. The Brain

    If a man wants to have s*x he has to talk her into it if a women wants to have s*x she just has to say so.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:32 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Timberway33

      @BuffaloBig.............. I just wanted to let you know that I am enjoying my unemployment to the fullest since you mentioned it. I am at 52 weeks now and make the state max. I have enjoyed one vacation after the next on unemployment and have another coming up soon. It has been a beautiful thing and will continue to enjoy it. Ha ha, by the time it's all said and done I will have gained a degree as well. Enjoy your company mandated drug tests and your 9-5. LIFE IS GOOD! T

      April 7, 2011 at 17:00 | Report abuse |
    • Jokester

      Maybe so, but if a man is good-looking or has charm or money, he is just as capable of getting laid whenever he wants. (Voice of experience.)

      April 8, 2011 at 11:05 | Report abuse |
  29. justamanforreal

    that's real talk

    April 7, 2011 at 16:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Xenomorph


    April 7, 2011 at 16:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. John D Dot

    It's funny how so many adults (I'm assuming at least the majority of you are) reverted to their high school days and chose to attempt to humiliate someone online. If Frank is lying, so what? How do you even know whether he's lying or not? You can't fathom what he said being true, so you decide to become internet bullies? What, are you people who insulted him leaving P.E. or Trigonometry class? GROW. UP. PLEASE.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. Layla

    Most of this is true. I did this in my last relationship. However, I found myself getting extremely emotionally attached to the "other guy" and it was at that point I realized my relationship was over and I'd better break it off before I did something to seriously hurt my ex boyfriend. Not proud of how it went down, but it was the deciding factor for me. Although the tips on how to tell if a woman is cheating is kind of silly.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:43 | Report abuse | Reply
    • THE Jeff Johnson

      As a man, i must admit in situations such as this, I appreciate honesty. This has happened to me before, and I appreciate honesty over finding out through other means.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:12 | Report abuse |
  33. Rene

    Reading this article is like reading a dictionary full of buzz words. Ian, face it, monogamy is a culturally imposed restriction that is against human nature, We lived a long time without it and we prospered anyway.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. wholewheat

    don't care much for the article, but I loved the picture..so hot!!

    April 7, 2011 at 16:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Brian

      ME TOO!!!! That was my first reaction...

      April 7, 2011 at 17:28 | Report abuse |
  35. GB

    Wow. Thanks, CNN - you've only reinforced my opinion of your reporting/columnists. "Most experts agree"? Are you kidding me? You've just alienated your entire female audience. What a load of absolute bull.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • lame

      so females get offended by scientific consensus?

      April 7, 2011 at 18:56 | Report abuse |
  36. Elle

    No man "always" cheats, no woman "always" cheats. Some of you really are ridiculous.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:48 | Report abuse | Reply
    • divorced

      this article is a load of crap. a guy is just as capable of ruining a relationship through cheating as a female is. you're demonizing female cheating and making male cheating seem like a lesser harm. hmmmmm, if you hadn't looked at the name of the author before reading this, what are the odds that you would guess this was written by a male. probably one who was cheated on himself. cheating is wrong, period. maybe its' natural ? maybe it isn't. either way, the bottom line is, what man wouldn't feel like less of a man if his woman cheated on him and then dumped his ass. males have the tendency to want their cake and to eat it too. females are more likely to make a choice when faced with the decision –and then stick to one. chew on that. this article is ridiculous.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:05 | Report abuse |
  37. Alphakat

    Long on assumptions, stereotypes and leaps of logic, but short on facts. Gonna have to do better if you want to be taken seriously, Ian.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:51 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Mrs Young

    I agree as well! but only if the couple is confident and secure within their marraige, other wise problems WILL come up.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. The Truth

    "to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late"

    "women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence"

    "The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends." Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more."

    All true!

    April 7, 2011 at 16:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. mike

    If your significant other ever cheats on you, go ahead and forgive them.....then several months later, when they are flying somewhere, slip a loaded .38 caliber handgun into their carry on. Drop them off and tell them to have a great time. Once they go inside, park the car and hurry over to security and wait for the fun to start.

    April 7, 2011 at 16:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Sammy

      I love the Sam Kinision Reference.

      April 7, 2011 at 18:29 | Report abuse |
  41. Kelly

    Hmmmm. The more television I watch the more I'm convinced that everything is ok and guilt is dumb, marraige is obsolete, relationships are a waste of time, youth and beauty trumps maturity and gray hair, and life is short and youth is even shorter. If you're 40 life is over for you so die already. If you're under 30 do what ever feels good and do it a lot and don't spend your 30's feeling guilty. Forget babies, those little psychic vampires!

    April 7, 2011 at 16:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Joe

      How old are you Kelly?

      April 7, 2011 at 17:32 | Report abuse |
    • freddy

      Kelly is 39!

      April 7, 2011 at 18:42 | Report abuse |
  42. rock

    not much left to comment,it's all been covered'

    April 7, 2011 at 16:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. The Truth

    to all the self righteous...why are you reading this article if it has no relevance

    April 7, 2011 at 17:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. KawiMan

    My Ex-Wife cheated on me as well an an Ex-Girlfriend. Good riddance to those cheaters. Both are reaping the karma they've dished out. It comes back with interest. I watched my father cheat on his wives when I was young and vowed I would never do that to anyone. I have always been true to my core values and have never cheated on any of my significant others and never will.

    Fortunately, my mistresses (motorcycles) never have and never will betray me.

    April 7, 2011 at 17:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • jimmynog

      So instead, you're merely immature and get emotionally attached to inanimate objects.

      April 7, 2011 at 17:43 | Report abuse |
    • Jokester

      His bikes will never cheat on him, divorce him, take his kids or half his money. He can also take them for a ride whenever he wants without them ever complaining about it. I don't think that's immature at all.

      April 8, 2011 at 11:09 | Report abuse |
  45. Steve

    I think it really depends on how your family life was growing up as well. My parents have been happily married for 30 years. I have been in several committed relationships but never married. Even still I felt it was never an option to cheat. If I didn't feel that the relationship was working out I had enough repspect to tell the woman and end it rather than cheat on her. From my upbringing that was the rules you lived by. I have some friends that are the same way and they all have the same philosophy. I think if you come from an unstable family there is no real role model for you to mirror your relationships to. I don't think I am better than anyone else or judge people for cheating, it's just a different point of view

    April 7, 2011 at 17:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. rlp

    How about stating something obvious?

    IIf a wife is financial dependent on her husband and her husband cheats on her... Does she have more of an incentive to stay in the marriage?

    Maybe if the study looked at the financial independence of each spouse and then mapped that to statistics showing when the cheater/cheated decided that the infidelity was too big of an impediment to continue the marriage....

    April 7, 2011 at 17:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. theprivateman

    Everyone here should Google the term "rationalization hamster".

    Hilarity and knowledge will ensue.

    You're welcome.

    April 7, 2011 at 17:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Charlie

    Women always want what they can't have. A wedding ring on a man's finger is an invitation to advances by non married females. Ask any man!

    April 7, 2011 at 17:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Seen It

    I am a divorced woman with a nice income in a male dominated field. I see both women and men who have affairs. My only disagreement with the author regards the reason for mens affairs. I have seen many men begin affairs because they are not happy emotionally at home. The difference between men and women is that women will leave if they are not happy and men stay, but continue to have affairs.

    April 7, 2011 at 17:12 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jokester

      I agree, and I will tell you why: because men know that in the vast majority of divorces, they will lose, even when the wife was wrong.

      April 8, 2011 at 11:16 | Report abuse |
  50. Emma

    Bill–that's fine. As long as we can then invite another man into the bedroom to share.

    April 7, 2011 at 17:16 | Report abuse | Reply
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