Female infidelity: It's different from the guys
April 7th, 2011
08:29 AM ET

Female infidelity: It's different from the guys

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

In a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it’s the female partner who’s been doing the cheating.  In recent years I’ve noticed a precipitous rise in the number of men who have been betrayed by adultery, and while there’s an overall consensus among professionals that female infidelity is on the rise, the trend doesn’t garner nearly as much attention as male infidelity  That’s surprising, because female infidelity is often much more damaging to a marriage. Don’t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship.

It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire. Without those pesky emotions to stand in the way of a potential mistake, a guy is much more likely to get himself into trouble (especially if alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down) or to get involved with someone for whom he has no feelings.

That’s not to say that men don't cheat  because they're unhappy, in search of an emotional connection or simply bored in their relationship (a topic we’re currently analyzing at Good in Bed), but  many of the men I've encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives.

That’s one of the reasons there's often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it’s the man who’s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally—whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt.  It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late.

While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. A University of Washington study found that people who earned $75,000 or more per year were 1.5 times more likely to have had extramarital sex than those earning less than $30,000. And with so many women in the workplace, it’s no surprise that  among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work.

Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends."  Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming.

So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it?

–         She shows less general interest in her partner's comings and goings

–         She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive

–         She has less interest in sex with her partner

–         She's keeping an irregular schedule and spending more time at work

–         She seems happy, except when she's around her partner

–         She shows less tolerance of her partner's friends and family

–         There are unresolved issues in the relationship that have either been ignored or not resolved in a way that's satisfying to her

–         She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time

Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. As Helen E. Fisher, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, says, "Men want to think women don't cheat, and women want men to think they don't cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological game with each other."  Maybe this isn’t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men—“boys will be boys,” as the adage goes—when they cheat. But as we’re learning, cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play.

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  23. Laura

    I find this article to be naming many untrue statements. First of all, women experience sexual attraction to a man outside of an emotional connection all the time just as men do. I've had that experience myself many times, as well as one night stands with such men. So you're wrong on that. Also- how in the world can you say a woman infidelity is more dramatically damaging to a relationship than a mans?? You're saying men rarely cheat when they feel the relationship is over? WRONG!! I would say it's at least 50/50 in terms of them cheating because they're unhappy or just to be a glutton for sex. And believe me, no matter the reason he cheated, I would believe male infidelity to be just as detrimental to a relationship as a woman's.
    Men are overall sexual gluttons and pigs with little regard for their loving partner and little respect for the relationship. Men are also more often serial cheaters..which is pathetic. Don't get into a relationship!

    September 7, 2017 at 13:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Timothy T

      It's a fact: men are far less likely to forgive an affair when their woman cheats on them. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps women are taught to be more forgiving. Perhaps it's more expected that men will cheat, so it isn't as shaming when it happens to women. But regardless, there is not a study I am aware of that doesn't say that a man who has been cheated on is far less likely to forgive.

      November 26, 2017 at 10:39 | Report abuse |
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  30. Alan

    We are living in a society right now that is becoming way too accepting of cheating in committed relationships, and this whole analysis of the different reasons why men and women cheat is one symptom of that. The decision to cheap or not is a MORAL and ETHICAL decision. There is nothing that is FORCING you to unzip your pants. The fact that you are cheating for "emotional" reasons is not any better of an excuse than if you are cheating for a new sexual experience. I think we need less articles like this, and more articles on why cheating in committed relationships is so destructive to ourselves and society at large. For one, it prevents your partner from ever truly trusting a person ever again in a committed relationship. No matter how lousy your relationship might be, your partner did enough positive things in your life to not inflict that blow upon him or her. Break up the relationship, break up the marriage, but for God sakes, don't hurt your partner's future by cheating with another person. Secondly, if a relationship is committed and long term, the partner you are cheating with is not going to be your partner in the future. These things never pan out. Once a separation happens, both parties need to spend a big amount of time away from relationships and sex in order to recover. Break ups are traumatic, and using someone as a "rebound partner" NEVER solves the problem. You have to be isolated, you may need therapy. It's the only way to make sense of what just happened. I could absolutely care less why someone cheated. No matter if you have failed to be a good listener or if things are going wrong in the bedroom, the cheater is always at fault. Period. No excuses. I am not saying that after the backup that it might not be a good idea to examine where the relationship went wrong beyond that, but the other cheater is always most at fault. Always. There is a difference between not being good in bed and being an unethical person. We need more articles on teaching people to avoid cheating. There is too much of it in our society, and it is being too accepted.

    October 20, 2017 at 04:29 | Report abuse | Reply
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  36. Terry

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    November 11, 2017 at 01:14 | Report abuse | Reply
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    December 11, 2017 at 18:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Cara loren

    Me and my boyfriend were seriously in love for six years and we were planning to get married but one day he came to my house and told me he was no longer interested in our relationship simply because he was dating another lady who promise to buy him a car and to sponsor their wedding. And i was heart broken. So i take a bold step by contacting a spell caster who will help me bring my ex boyfriend back and in three day after i contacted him my boy friend who left me for another girl came back and start begging to take him back. ** Dr. Mack is powerful and great his contact.dr.mack201@gmail. com you can also contact him for help………..

    December 17, 2017 at 18:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. sherrue

    my heart was full with pains because my boyfriend broke my heart I was hopeless until I found greatmutaba@gmail.com who helped me and cast a spell that return back my boyfriend to me ..

    December 21, 2017 at 03:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. sherrie

    He was loving and caring till that faithful day he decided to broke up with me and left me for someone else but greatmutaba@gmail.com a spell caster cast a love spell that return him to me , thank you father

    December 21, 2017 at 09:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Laura

    Great article, I thought my husband was just feeling insecure when he would just be on his phone at odd hours, until I decided to take my chances to know, knowing is much better than self doubts and its exactly what happened when I requested for the service of one of the best hacker cyberhack005 AT gmail com to help me check his phone. Now i know when he tells the truth because I receive all his calls, outgoing and incoming, see his whatsapp messages, facebooks, emails. I think its the best way to eliminate self doubt and I found out that I guess right Now I have access to his phone remotely anything that goes in and out of his phone is exactly what goes in and out of my phone. I see everything, i hear everything,thanks to cyber hack.

    December 29, 2017 at 06:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. sherrue

    i was so heartbroken butafter 3 days of contacting greatmutaba@gmail. com, my lover came.

    December 30, 2017 at 09:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. lupe

    Me and my husband was apart for 2 years he broke up with me and left me and the children I was totally heart broken till I meant (greatmutaba@gmail. com) he cast a love spell that return my husband back to me

    January 6, 2018 at 11:08 | Report abuse | Reply
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