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Female infidelity: It's different from the guys
April 7th, 2011
08:29 AM ET

Female infidelity: It's different from the guys

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.


In a committed relationship nothing hurts more, or is harder to recover from, than infidelity, and this is even truer when it’s the female partner who’s been doing the cheating.  In recent years I’ve noticed a precipitous rise in the number of men who have been betrayed by adultery, and while there’s an overall consensus among professionals that female infidelity is on the rise, the trend doesn’t garner nearly as much attention as male infidelity  That’s surprising, because female infidelity is often much more damaging to a marriage. Don’t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship.

It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire. Without those pesky emotions to stand in the way of a potential mistake, a guy is much more likely to get himself into trouble (especially if alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down) or to get involved with someone for whom he has no feelings.

That’s not to say that men don't cheat  because they're unhappy, in search of an emotional connection or simply bored in their relationship (a topic we’re currently analyzing at Good in Bed), but  many of the men I've encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives.

That’s one of the reasons there's often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it’s the man who’s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally—whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt.  It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late.

While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. A University of Washington study found that people who earned $75,000 or more per year were 1.5 times more likely to have had extramarital sex than those earning less than $30,000. And with so many women in the workplace, it’s no surprise that  among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work.

Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends."  Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming.

So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it?

–         She shows less general interest in her partner's comings and goings

–         She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive

–         She has less interest in sex with her partner

–         She's keeping an irregular schedule and spending more time at work

–         She seems happy, except when she's around her partner

–         She shows less tolerance of her partner's friends and family

–         There are unresolved issues in the relationship that have either been ignored or not resolved in a way that's satisfying to her

–         She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time

Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. As Helen E. Fisher, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, says, "Men want to think women don't cheat, and women want men to think they don't cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological game with each other."  Maybe this isn’t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men—“boys will be boys,” as the adage goes—when they cheat. But as we’re learning, cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play.


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  22. superlovespell

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  27. drdagama

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    November 10, 2016 at 05:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. Kesha

    I was with my ex for 3 years and 6 months and he cheated on me so we split, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Mr Robinson i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did A Lover Spell for me And after some days, my lover returned back to me I'd like to say that i got a positive result from (robinson. buckler@ (yahoo). com) ever since i used his love spell, my lover have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn't take me for granted

    November 10, 2016 at 18:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. Allison

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    November 18, 2016 at 05:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Allison

    Hello Everyone, I am from Brazil. With total satisfaction of a work well done, i am here to use this great opportunity, to thank the great and powerful man behind the success and excellence of my relationship whose name is High preist tokubo. Here is my brief testimony. After getting my ex Husband back to me within a short period of two days, I decided to thank him over the internet by letting the whole world to know about his mighty powers, and how helpful he is in any kind of problems that you must be going through in your life today. You too can contact High priest tokubo now, on his private temple email below: highpriesttokubo@gmail. com
    Thanks Again Great One, for your amazing works and powers.

    November 18, 2016 at 07:30 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Debby Waters

    to catch him in the act i strongly recommend you contact this reliable hacker i hired when my husband was having an affair, he is highly time conscious and affordable. i was able to get my husband's whatsapp, sms, call logs, web browser history and even phone conversations
    contact: deephacking17@gmail

    December 13, 2016 at 16:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. jimmyloof47

    My name is JIMMY LOOF ,i have been living with my wife for some years now,she has been keeping late nights and also receiving calls late at night,i was afraid she has been cheating on me and a friend of mine introduced me to a private investigator who helped me and gave me the password to her Facebook and Gmail account and also linked all her phone conversations to me.He saved me from all her lies and infidelity,he gave me all i wanted during our divorce and helped me with evidence in court. I just want to openly say thank you.Contact (Gadgethacksolution@gmail.com) .tell him i referred you he will help you

    January 8, 2017 at 03:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. Janet

    I will personally recommend the service of a GREAT Hacker to you and He does all kind of hacking job from Skype, Facebook Account, Twitter, Email(s), Whatsapp, Instagram, Text messages etc

    Contact him asap via hackingsolutionss@gmail.com and He will surely help you with all you need.

    January 12, 2017 at 04:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. aj waldron

    I Basically think we all don't have to face all these deceit and lies from our spouse and partners...in a
    case of mine when i got sick and tired of all the lies and deceit so I disclosed a spy which works to look somebody text messages,online access and carry out other hacking services.
    hacknspytech atgmaildotcom...hacknspytech atcyberservicesdotcom....you can try him too
    It was a wonderful experience.

    January 26, 2017 at 06:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. Electronic music page

    Interesting Page. I Love It.

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    January 30, 2017 at 22:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Artie Linebarger

    Excelente la pagina, escribo para decir que tengo una nevera no frost tecnico le puso el gas porque se llamo para eso ya que este se le habia acabado pero que do con el problema de que se congela en la parte de atras y cada dos tres dias hay que descongelarla y no se puede dejar para hacer cubos de hielo y no enfria nada en la parte solo se congela en la parte de atras ayudaaaaa gracias.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOX8uKEdw4o

    February 4, 2017 at 08:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. Lee

    This article really seemed to hit the nail on the head. I'm still going through rough times from my wife's affairs. And it's been over 4 years.

    February 13, 2017 at 16:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Dorcas

    My husband parked his stuff out of the house and choose to stay with a girl he met in club, this made me so sad to the extend i was no longer thinking straight but when i read some good reviews about Dr MACK, i contacted him through the Email i saw on the reviews email:dr.mac@yahoo. com And through the help of Dr Mack, my husband quit his relationship with his club girlfriend and he is now fully back with me...

    February 26, 2017 at 09:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. lacybern6449

    High priest tokubo. Thank you! My husband is back to me and things are going much better now with us. As you said, Truly you are a good spell caster. God Bless You! High priest tokubo is good in bringing ex back and he also cure all kind of diseases or infection. If you really want your lover back contact high priest tokubo today. Once again thank you so much for your sincere work for me. contact him on: Highpriesttokubo@gmailcom

    March 16, 2017 at 03:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Ajayi Ololo

    I am a spell caster called Dr Ajayi Ololo, I was the chief priest to this great temple called OLOLO at the age of 18years, and now i am almost 60 years old man. I am telling this to the world to make them know that this temple has been in existence for years now and we have been durable and truthful to all. Our work here is helping anybody to getting there heart desire, Over here in this temple we grant anything you want us to do for you and when you come to this temple you must see result of our work. NOTE: TO THE ONES THAT HAS BEEN DECEIVED BY THOSE ONLINE SCAMMERS, DO NOT COMPARE THIS GREAT TEMPLE WITH ANY OTHER SPELL CASTER THAT HAS RIPPED YOU OFF YOUR MONEY BY CLAMMING TO BE SPELL CASTERS. THEY ARE ALL FAKE AND SCAMMERS ONLINE THERE TO RIP WERE THEY DID NOT SOW, COME TO OLOLO SPELL CASTING TEMPLE AND GET YOUR HEART DESIRE WITHOUT STRESS. In this temple, we work with the spirits in the spiritual realm and they tell us how to solve any problem that you are facing and also i will want you to NOTE: THAT THIS SPELL CASTING DO NOT HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECT ON ANYONE, BUT JUST TO GET YOUR HEART DESIRE AND BE HAPPY. I Dr Ajayi Ololo urge you all that has the following problem 1.} We heal barrenness in women and disturbing menstruation 2.} Get you marriage to the lover of your choice 3.} Guarantee you win the troubling court cases & divorce no matter how what stage 4.} Ensure success in work and business 5.} Mental illness & bewitched 6.} Can?t sleep at night or walking at night 7.} Recover stolen property and whereabouts of people that hurt you. 8.} Bring supernatural luck into 9.} Extreme protection for those doing dangerous jobs like security guards, Bank manager, cash transporters, To mention but a few.11. Get your scam money back 12.} Bring back lost lover, even if lost for a long time 13.} Remove bad spells from homes, business & customer attraction etc. 14.} Get promotion you have desired for a long time at work or in your career.16.} Remove the black spot that keeps on taking your money away 17. Find out why you are not progressing in life and the solution 18.} Eliminate in family fights 19.} Ensure excellent school grades even for children with mental disabilities 20.} Stop your marriage or relationship from breaking apart 21.} I destroy and can send back the Nikolos if requested 22.} . COME HERE AND SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS HERE AND GET ALL YOUR HEART DESIRES HERE WITHOUT ANY-SIDE EFFECT ON IT. ANY KIND OF PROBLEM YOU ARE FACING IN LIFE SEND YOUR EMAILS TO: ajayiololo@yahoocom . to get it solved in the next 5 to 6 hours.

    March 17, 2017 at 08:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. SAR

    I never thought I will ever physically get to see my husband chat with his lover and get to use the evidence against him in court , and guess what, I won the case. All these credits goes to cyberphoneways@gmail.com . They were able to help me hack into my ex-husband phone just by providing them his phone details. Contact cyberphoneways@gmail. com today and have your hacking job done effectively and discreetly for you
    Please let them know I refer you.
    Thanks cyberphoneways

    March 17, 2017 at 12:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. Barry

    I just found out my girlfriend has been messaging this customer from work and calling baby and telling him her body hurts and saying sorry she passed out while messaging him.she was drunk calling him in front of my mom at yhebar last night and calling him baby. She seems to have lost interest in having sex with me. We work nights and she uses all her energy at Work and comes home with me grumpy and exhausted and has a very short temper for me says she's irritated with me a lot. What should i should I do. I love her but my gut tells me its over. Pleas help me save our relationship.

    March 25, 2017 at 16:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Ajayi Ololo

    TAKE IT OR LEAVE WE STILL REMAIN THE ONLY TRUE EXISTING SPELL CASTER ON EARTH.
    Warm Regards to all that has lost there job, lost there lovers, the ones that are battling with examination to pass, you need to win a lotto, you need to do death spell for your enemy, you want to get what your heart desire without working nor doing anything to get it, With the help of Dr Ajayi Ololo, Theses problems are solved.. Cos over here in this great temple that is know world wide as the best and greatest spell caster temple, There is no problem that do not have a solution when you come to this temple OF OLOLO. I will also want all of you to know that there are so many swindlers / scammers that has claim to be spell caster, Just to get money from those that need help. I also come to tell you to beware of these so called temples online that can never help you solve your problem. I Dr Ajayi Ololo will want to tell you all that there iS no spell caster online that can ever be like us, Cos we have helped so many individuals to get all there heart desire online. Anyone that require the help of our services should kindly send an email to the following email address: ajayiololo@yahoocom . SET EMAIL TO STANDARD

    March 30, 2017 at 21:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. April Callahan

    I Have never believed in love spell until I encounter Prophet Mike, one of the world’s top spell caster. He is really powerful and could help cast spell to bring back once gone lover. Prophet Mike the great spell caster that restored my love back. I had a fight with my husband in the past which led to our breakup. I tried all I could to make him come back to me but he refused and said it was over between us, one day I came across a testimony on the internet on how Prophet Mike used his spell to reunite two lovers so I decided to contact him via email: purityspell (@)gmail.com Within 2 days of my contact with Prophet Mike, my husband came back to his senses and it was as if we just got married with the way he began to shower me love and promised never to leave my side again. Prophet Mike is truly a man of his word.

    March 31, 2017 at 19:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Lenise Williams

    My Husband broke up with me 3 months ago and left me heartbroken, this made me sick and my problem became very very difficult and it made me almost gave up but after the love spell from Dr Mack, my relationship was restored instantly, I was happy that the outcome was fantastic, only 3 days after [dr.mac@yahoo. com] started it all. Never in my life have I thought this would work so fast. My man reconcile with me and he started acting completely different, we make love everyday, I feel happy once again, and like never before. It felt so good to have my Husband back again, Thanks to DR MACK………………………………………

    April 4, 2017 at 19:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. jill w

    Should you ever think about hiring a good hacker despite all those scammers out there, I was ripped thrice by some set of hackers and was ready to give up until my very good friend introduce me to the best hackers alive. I was able to hire him through the help of my friend. COMPUTERSPYEXPERTS help me track down the location of my cheating wife and i got to believe she's actually cheating on me. He help me hack her phone and i was able to monitor all the activities going on her phone. I will advise you all to contact COMPUTERSPYEXPERTS at GMAIL dot COM now for any hacking issues. He's a great guy! He's cheap and swift with a good manner of approach.

    April 11, 2017 at 17:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. Curtisalef

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    April 15, 2017 at 06:41 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. LOSER

    Hello every one are you in trouble of love and emotion, is your lover cheating on you or doing something funny you don't like just contact Dr ogaga for everything to be restored back TO you, if you want your marriage to be stable via ogagatemple@gmail.com since i contacted Dr ogaga my family have being restored to normal via ogagatemple@gmail.com if you are having trouble OR PROBLEM IN YOUR MARITAL life Dr ogaga is only the answer to it all.
    loser from USA

    April 17, 2017 at 11:54 | Report abuse | Reply
    • drakheretemple

      I am MRS COLLINS, from CANADA, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my Husband return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR AKHERE for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my husband, I required help until i found a great spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my husband back in two days after the spell has been cast. Three days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my husband who has not called me for past 6 months now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR AKHERE released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest woman on earth and me and my husband is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe. All thanks goes to DR AKHERE for the excessive work that he has done for me. please brothers and sisters if you are ppassing throuhg any kind of problem contact this great sspell caster
      via his email akheretemple@gmail.com

      December 16, 2017 at 19:59 | Report abuse |
  49. Nancy

    Dr.mac(@)yahoo.com is a wonderful spell caster. Very trustworthy, My husband cheated on me for Almost for three years. he ignore me for several months and left me with nothing, but i am happy today that Dr Mack brought my husband back, I am so happy, Now my husband is all mine again. I can now say I’m happy again. I recommend his love spell to anyone who is ready to get his or her lover back:((

    April 24, 2017 at 08:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. Jack

    I would like to know if a spell exists that would get rid of all the spell casters, their spam and their BS-

    April 25, 2017 at 23:10 | Report abuse | Reply
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