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April 7th, 2011
08:29 AM ET
Female infidelity: It's different from the guysIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
It's often said that men cheat for sex, while women cheat for love, the theory being that men can more easily compartmentalize sex and emotion, while women typically need to experience an emotional connection to a person before feeling sexual desire. Without those pesky emotions to stand in the way of a potential mistake, a guy is much more likely to get himself into trouble (especially if alcohol is involved and inhibitions are down) or to get involved with someone for whom he has no feelings. That’s not to say that men don't cheat because they're unhappy, in search of an emotional connection or simply bored in their relationship (a topic we’re currently analyzing at Good in Bed), but many of the men I've encountered who have cheated on their wives often have no desire to leave their primary relationship. Many of them even characterize themselves as happily married with satisfying sex lives. That’s one of the reasons there's often a better chance that a couple will stay together and try to work things out when it’s the man who’s doing the cheating, rather than the woman. For men, cheating often tends to be opportunistic—they’re in the wrong place at the wrong time and the cheating doesn’t necessarily mean anything emotionally—whereas with women the desire to cheat is often less opportunistic and more deeply felt. It’s often more a matter of the heart than of the genitals. Sure, some women cheat for the sex, but many also cheat for another chance at love, or to confirm to themselves that their primary relationship is really over. A woman who cheats is often a woman who doesn't want to work it out. She's already invested time trying to work it out, and she's done. It's too late. While there aren't any hard statistics on female infidelity, most experts agree that it's on the rise, especially among women who have their own careers and a degree of financial independence. A University of Washington study found that people who earned $75,000 or more per year were 1.5 times more likely to have had extramarital sex than those earning less than $30,000. And with so many women in the workplace, it’s no surprise that among the spouses who cheated, 46 percent of women and 62 percent of men did so with someone they met through work. Another big factor in the rise in female infidelity is the Internet. Sexual infidelity often starts with emotional infidelity, and digital technologies offer an abundance of opportunity for emotional (and thrilling) connections: The return of an ex, a workplace flirtation, a Facebook friendship that becomes more than "just friends." Women are extremely susceptible to “emotional infidelity,” which starts as friendship, often with colleagues or seemingly harmless online relationships, and slowly progresses to something more. A gradual blurring of the lines between friendship and deeper intimacy draws even happily partnered people into relationships they never saw coming. So what are some of the signs that a woman could be cheating or thinking about it? – She shows less general interest in her partner's comings and goings – She dresses up for work, but seems to care less about whether her partner finds her attractive – She has less interest in sex with her partner – She's keeping an irregular schedule and spending more time at work – She seems happy, except when she's around her partner – She shows less tolerance of her partner's friends and family – There are unresolved issues in the relationship that have either been ignored or not resolved in a way that's satisfying to her – She's in a child-centric marriage that prioritizes parenting and neglects a couple's relationship, with few opportunities for romance and alone time Guys, think your wife would never cheat? Think again. When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. As Helen E. Fisher, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, says, "Men want to think women don't cheat, and women want men to think they don't cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological game with each other." Maybe this isn’t so much a game as a reflection of the double standard and culture of forgiveness that favors men—“boys will be boys,” as the adage goes—when they cheat. But as we’re learning, cheating is an equal opportunity sport, one that women are just as likely as men to play. |
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I know we all develop in the womb with slight differences in 'wiring' based on genes, but I have never gasped the concept of infidelity in our society. Whether a Justice or a Minister marry us, we make a promise, a vow, to stay faithful to one another. We have kids, and yet some (too many) still choose to cheat. I was miserable with my first wife; among many problems was the lack of intimacy. But I never cheated on her. I knew that someday I'd be looking back at this tribulation in my life and would judge myself based on how I handled it. I had more excuses to cheat on her than any other guy who HAS cheated on his spouse, yet I refused to disgrace myself, my children, or my wife (who I did not love). I made a promise, and I was going to keep it. I fear most the outcome of those consequences from my actions that I cannot hit the 'undo' button on. It wasn't difficult for me, but I don't understand why it is for so many others. If you don't feel ironclad confident you can't keep your promises to your fiancée, then you owe it first to him or her to do the right thing and wait until you can mature enough to really make that commitment. Your promises don't change as a result of your unhappiness in a union. But there is a remedy for it assuming you are ready, and it's called divorce.
the only differene i've ever noticed is that women have more excuses for cheating. or, more to the point, they don't admit to themselves that it is cheating.
http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,2063386_2262719,00.html
A very insightful comment. You should have written the article. I'm not being sarcastic, this stuff is just obvious. This whole "I just wanted someone to love me" line is BS. No woman is stupid enough to think cheating is going to get them emotional love. That's the same line the 13 year old teen mothers give for their excuse of why they intentionally got pregnant. lol
Yep and I tap that every night. You should see her twin sister, who just happens to be the woman I left to be with blonde on 4, she's pretty hot too. But can't cook worth a darn.
the only differene i've ever noticed is that women have more excuses for cheating. or, more to the point, they don't admit to themselves that it is cheating.
http://www.amazon.com/Gemini-Tiger-Unhooked-Tommy-Jonq/dp/1438234368
rofl. Maybe in your fantasies.
In my case my wife (and still is) was in mid-life, no if ands or buts. Mid-40's, kids gone or going, hormones all over the place, wanting to be wanted again, Facebook, I didn't give a damn, add it up...
Guys, if you think she might be, chances are she is. Do what you gotta do.
Males can do it anytime, anywhere with any girl, even the ones just met a minute ago. All it takes is one look for men to get in the mood. Nature is nature. I don't think that women work that way. They only pick the best. For men, if its a female, thats all that matters. Looks, age, body type, color of skin, health, even body odors, nothing matters. If she wants it, she will get it. So females make the decision. If you know a man is married and you are teasing him, you are at fault. Men lose control once the little head takes over.
Pete...you're kidding...right?
It's my belief that only men who are both physically unattractive and possessed of low self esteem will sleep with a woman they find unattractive. Do some work on yourself and your standards will magically rise, homeboy.
Sadly, your beliefs are wrong.
So this, of course, absolves men of all responsibility? Your argument basically comes down to your belief that men have no self-control and shouldn't have to take ownership for tehir actions. I don't think you are giving men enough credit.
Agreed
Agreed, this article is simply an excuse for the insecure man-child type of husband. I don't believe I'll be reading it any more.
The one point of the article that is true in every case I've seen is that by the time a woman has an emotional affair (or full-blown affair) she's already given the marriage her best shot and has now given up.
Oh Treese?
Stereotype much? You know, men have the SAME emotions and the same emotional capacity woman have. The difference being, WE CAN'T SHOW THEM! It's not "culturally acceptable." Calling men cry babies is a little bit misandrist, don't ya think?
Sorry, the "heroic wife" whom "gives her all to the marriage" and then after so much self sacrifice, finally, after much soul-searching, cheats is a mythical cop-out. YOU might try understanding that YOUR life experiences pertain to you AND YOU ALONE.
And who made the rule that we're not allowed to show emotions?
Why, that would be men, of course.
Interesting insight. Thanks Pete.
Speak for yourself. I am a VERY choosy guy. If you have looks, charm, or money - you can be.
Sorry, I've seen at college many times men refuse women who were throwing themselves at them. Not only that, but make fun of the women being "so needy".
But that was college, might be a different crowd than you usually see.
Did you seriously just say that women pick the best? How do you explain all the women who are dating losers, moochers, and cheaters? Even more challenging– How do you explain the women who are aware that their men are losers, moochers, and cheaters and still stay with those men? It's not rocket science: Young immature women go for looks, money, and height. As maturity develops, women still have shallow desires (c'mon, they're human) but they're much more likely to fall for a guy for things like good conversations, humor, emotional availability, and other deeper connections. Unfortunately, many women find themselves in a several year relationship and often marriage before their maturity sets in. Many of them find themselves in their 30s (maybe with a kid or two) and now they're starting the dating game all over. Yeah, they reeeaaaalllly go for the best.
Ah! So you as a male are not responsible for your own actions? Grown the hell up!
Was you said Men is animals .? Women was lions ? is it your kinder ?
That is not a viable excuse for men to cheat. It still takes two people to cheat.
There is a big difference between "getting in the mood" and getting an erection. The latter is simply a physiological function, the former requires a mental (not emotional) connection. Ignore an erection and it goes away. Men like to believe they have no control over their erections, but they really are just immature. Women get turned on looking at a good-looking guy, but they have the capacity to walk away from him. No more excuses guys.
I'm a guy and I'm not completely believing that. There are definitely women out there with body odor and other gross characteristics that you mention that are not getting laid. We're a little more selective than you make it sound.
Sometimes I forget that some weak men like to deny responsibility for their actions by citing "biology" by using "my penis made me do it, I'm just an ape" reason. Thanks for reminding me that you still exist, all the great men in my life almost made me forget.
Two words. Ashley Madison.
My wife is leaving me because she loves me like a friend. 17-years of marrige and 3-kids under 8 and she says it is a good time to break up for them. She thinks she can raise the kids better than both of us together. I am a low life skum bag, but give me $300,000 dollars you low life skum bag while I am walking away. The one that is leaving becomes very selfish. She says I am too old for her and grass is greener the other side of facebook. "All of these guys are giving me so much attention." Yes they are while I am at work paying for you not to work for all of these years of marriage and paying for your new home and paying for your cadillac. Life is so tough. She said "you should have known I was unhappy". Known, is like her saying when she was signing up for facebook. "This is all so innocent."
Get "your" kids DNA tested, and find out how deep the lies go.
"Loves you like a friend"? Sounds like an excuse from a 17 year old to turn down a date. Sounds like it will be a long time before your wife grows up.
I was cheated on.
I have cheated. Why? Because it was liberating and exhilerating. I knew fully what the repercussions would be and prepared myself for them. Everything that could go wrong did, but the adversity I faced and the choice I made was freeing and empowering. Knowing the hardships and emotional turmoil I would face before I went in only contributed to my decision. I am stronger and better for cheating.
Will I ever do it again? No. But I don't regret my decision in the least.
Well, you found out at least that you are an untrustworthy person, a liar, and that you're ok with disgracing yourself and your partner. If you had kids, then you disgraced them, too. At least you know yourself better, since you seem happy with finding the positive side of being a loser.
Hah, completely agree with you Xman. This guy must be a congressman or senator.
When I read articles like this, I'm always reminded of how wonderful the relationship I have with my significant other is. Being dishonest in a relationship is one of the most devastating things someone can do to someone else; especially someone they profess to love.
The moral is. We have to cheat first. Lol.
people always forget that one day your wife/husband will die and leave you anyways. so if it happens now or later, you better be ready for it. cuz its going to happen.
How the hell is that the same thing? It isn't. Grow up.
my EX cheated on me after 14 years of marriage with her "first love". They reconnected over Facebook and started a 5 month affair. At first, I was devastated. Not so much as to the end of the marriage, because it had it's issues, but at the thought of the unknown new life that awaited me. I'm actually very happy that it finally ended, because I'm now engaged to a wonderful woman that I love very much. She's "pushed" me to actually want to better myself and I'm now back in school working on my B.S degree. In a weird way, I actually owe my EX a "thank you" for cheating on me!
Agree. Any woman who cheats on you, actually does you a favor. Nobody needs a cheater. Cheaters are traitors and nothing feels better than expunging traitors from your life.
Well put – when I found out I was in shock. But I quickly encouraged her new love life to keep her occupied while I extracted myself! Here's to second chances! Life is good!
It never bothers me when a woman cheated on me, never considered it cheating, not the jealous type and many times that was the reason they did what they did. I just know whom I am and what I can do. I know its only a matter of time before she will come back and be with me. I am kind and attentive and a bit of a bad boy, all the things they liked to see in a man. But they felt they had to try something else and found it was not of their liking. So in my book go for it see when you get back!
Richard, sorry. that is total BS.
I had a girlfriend once who was becoming someone I thought I would marry. Turns out she was cheating on me most of our relationship with some other married guy. When I confronted her, she tried to justify it by saying it was for emotional reasons and that he provided her something I couldn't. But strangely, she could never define what that was. So a couple weeks later at her place, when she started drinking one afternoon I encouraged her to keep drinking until she was really wasted. The next morning she woke up in a huge mess of urine and feces; the Cleveland Steamer! I never told her and let her wonder whether it was hers or mine. But I did leave a note on her table saying never to call me again. To this day I think she believes it was because she was a drunk. 🙂
Oh my God! Cleveland that is sick.....but very funny! And very devious.
@Cleveland Nobody believes your story. Go away
No One: Actually, I do believe his story and someone who did similar. They got the idea from the start of a French movie of a few years back called Ridicule. In one of the opening scenes, a guy who had been mistreated for years by another guy goes to visit him in his old, infirm state. When they are alone he urinates all over his lap and only then does the old man realize who he is. But he's been unable to speak because of his illness. When the maid comes in, the younger guy says the old guy must've had an accident and the maid believes him. It was great!
Grrrrrls are so gullible. Cleveland is a troll, just writing to make himself laugh. The story has tons of holes
I believe Cleveland's story. Why? Because there are plenty of women out there that are stupid enough to let this be done to them. And if it's true, then more power to him.
cleveland AND noone are trolls
Every man should go through the experience of being cheated on by his girlfriend, even better if it happens during his teen years. It may hurt as hell, but it is the kind of experience that makes you 10 years older in just 1 day. After you've been cheated on just once, you become a hell of a lot smarter and you develop a good and healthy dose of cynicism. You go from being the prey to being the predator from that moment on.
I would agree with that. It snaps you out of your little comfortable bubble of naivety. It does create some scar tissue that may sort of keep you distant at times, but I'd rather be prepared and able to bounce back then to just be taken by surprise and devastated.
Jay, you sound way too bitter and cynical. Have you tried counseling?
Keep telling yourself that, Jay...
could not agree more with Jay.
I think you hit the nail on the head, Jay. Women are way more ruthless when it comes to doing these things and not being sorry for them afterwards - unless they get caught and then they turn on the crocodile tears to try to further manipulate people. My brother's wife did this to him after a few years of marriage and would use people emotionally to get whatever she wanted. Ask women about other women; we know how terrible our own gender can be.
Jay, you were never the predator and always the prey. We all are. We just don't know it.
Marie, you sound like a cheater. Have you tried counseling?
That's a pretty foolish view. The fact is people need to be aware and not foolish enough to think it would never happen to them. Best to just be aware, not have to learn by having something bad happen just to learn (you know better and one person breaking your trust is irrelevant to a different person and what they may or may not do).
If you view yourself or someone you could love as a predator or as a prey, you should stay single. Relationships aren't for everyone. Being cheated on hurts like h311 but becoming bitter and putting up a wall to protect yourself from becoming "prey" will just turn off someone who genuinely wants to love you. That's my two cents anyway.
Jay
You said that right. It happened to me in college. I walked in on my GF of 4 years with another guy. I was devestated for about a week, but suddenly realised I was getting a lot of attention from some very attrative college women. The next two years were...let's just say...AWESOME!!!!. I'm now married with two kids and have a much better snese of peoples feeling and their intentions. It was the best learning experience ever.
More importantly, they'll know how it feels to get cheated on. Men too often think with the little head instead of the big one and never consider how their actions will feel to others when they cheat. Unfortunately, for many it's the only way they'll ever learn what it feels like to have your trust in your partner violated.
Amen to that, Jay. Happened to me back in high school and taught me not to be naive and overly trusting.
You need to grow up. No one ever said we would live free of pain, but to hurt others because someone hurt you is truly selfish and immature. Fidelity is an expression of respect. Cheating is telling someone you have zero respect for them. Treating women as prey is also an expression of disrespect. I am sorry that you were cheated on. I was cheated on twice and it hurts like hell. It changed me both times, but I do not go into any relationship expecting to get shafted or expecting to cheat. I just want someone who is mature enough to respect me and himself.
Forget it, I don't trust a soul in 2011. New partner every year! Then maybe I'll settle down with someone when we're both too darn old to even bother cheating! 😛
BtW....you have some problems. You obviously have big trust issues. Let go, my boyfriend of 1 year cheated on me while i was gone for two weeks! TWO WEEKS! and then i meet my fiance 2 months after it happened, and we have been together for 8 months, and we live 112 miles apart, everyone has a chance at love.
a different partner every year will u get AIDS!
@katie – talk about being needy....2 month rebound to a new relationship, then you are engaged after a few months? Sure, that will go well.
@Katy Your fiance? 8 months? Sounds like you're getting a chance at certain divorce down the road
Why should she care? She'll be the one taking half.
frank -have you considered the evolutionary basis behind why men and women cheat? it validates polygamy.
Yeah, but unfortunately that only ever seems to work in the man's favor for some reason.
Really? Think about it for a moment, then tell me if five nagging chicks growing fat and taking my money is working in my favor.
Sounds like a lot of you have no clue about yourself or what you want out of life. It all come down to the choices we make and the consequences to those choices. No less no more!
I have a friend who suspected his wife of cheating because she started to carry her feminine spray in her purse! Turns out he was right. I don't understand cheating. If you don't love the person you're with, don't be with them. I once read a study where the majority of married couples interviewed stated that they are on the look out for 'someone better'. I thought it was the saddest thing. It honestly nearly brought me to tears. I can't imagine marrying someone just so I wouldn't have to be alone. It seems that's what most people do.
The simple truth is that people change through out their life, and in many couples cases, become incompatable. Doesn't make them bad people, it's just human nature. I do think though, that you shouldn't cheat, that you should first break up with your partner, you owe them that much.
@Brandy, you said it! It's sad, but true–a lot of people marry out of loneliness. I think everyone should spend at least one year in their adulthood (maybe ever more) single just to get to know themselves and be comfortable with who they are as an individual before making what is supposed to be a life-long commitment to someone else.
you should never be on the look for someone better, that objectifies both genders and ruins society
D, you are a lying trolling pig.
Jealous much?
I have no doubt that D is a man, trolling....nothing more.
Um...how old is the "woman" in that picture supposed to be? Maybe it's a trick of the camera, but that does NOT look like a fully grown girl. Creepy.
Oh wow, you're right..that is pretty creepy! Who the hell chose this pic??
It could be kate hudson
Aw, it's just a flat chested woman.
**IBTC ** syndrome!
Wow. Wow. How did I not see that? Either that's a young girl (teenage model or something) or someone really, really needs to get her a hamburger. With mayo.
well... someone needs to call the PoPo... 'cause someone done stole her boobies!
Why? Because she's flat-chested? Because she appears smaller than him? A lot of grown women have very small breasts and they are, on average, smaller than grown men (could also be a camera angle thing). I don't see anything particularly creepy in that pic.
*ahem* Let me clarify. Grown WOMEN are generally smaller than grown men. I'm not comparing mens' and womens' breast sizes. : )
Have Americans become so fat that the image of a woman who is actually thin makes you think it's impossible for them to be an adult? Nothing about that picture makes me think she's not an adult. She's just in shape; a shocker, I know.
Calm down, it's just a thin female. I know there aren't a lot here in the U.S. unfortunately.
I'm not saying that just because she's thin or flat chested. She could be both and still appear to be an adult. She also appears to be a very small human being in general compared to the guy. Add in the two above elements and she -appears- to be a child. Obviously she probably isn't, and as I said the camera and their positioning could have played some tricks on the eye. Either way it appears they switched the image so they must have saw something there too that made them think better of it.
Anyone who cheats is just selfish. They know what they are doing is wrong, but because they're enjoying themselves, they either don't care or hate their spouse so much that they are probably planning to murder them for insurance money anyway. Seriously, just end the marriage/relationship first. Another plus to this is that there is less likelihood of your ex hunting you down to torture you to death.
I am a man with a nice wallet and decent career. Been married for 12 years with ups and downs but always remind myself of the vows I made when I got married. Men and women of integrity keep those vows. You also have to think about the kids, even if I wanted to cheat, the repercussions are huge for the kids and I would never forgive myself. Keep fit, be spontaneous and unpredictable always surprising your woman and she will never leave you.
Agree
Wanna bet brother? Watch your back. And don't fall on your sword. While vows to a man are taken very seriously. Not the same for women of late.
what a refreshing viewpoint. we all tend to hit spots where we get a little too comfortable, then complacent. we stop making our partner part of our priorities (work, kid(s), etc.). tending to our partners, married or not, is just as important. sometimes there are irreconcilable differences and sometimes some people just shouldn't be together, but just maybe a little more attention to the other person in your 'partnership' could do a world of good.
Americans have forgotten what a "vow" means. Everyone I meet just says "I deserve to be happy" or "Why should I be stuck in an unhappy relationship".
"Vows" mean absolutely nothing to Americans.
Is that a leather wallet? Nice!
Richard, God bless you for your maturity, wisdom, and respect for your vows and for your family.
Face it folks. Infidelity is an expression of disrespect: of the spouse, the family, the vows. Cheating is wrong, no matter the hows, whys, whens, and wherefores. The studying of the "reasons" it happens gives validity to the breakdown of respect between spouses. It's no surprise that manners, morality, and personal responsibility are all fading from our culture – those are all expressions of respect for the people around us. The "epidemic" of infidelity is just manifestation of the further erosion of respect for each other.
Males can do it anytime, anywhere with any girl, even the ones just met a minute ago. All it takes is one look for men to get in the mood. Nature is nature. I don't think that women work that way. They only pick the best. For men, if its a female, thats all that matters. Looks, age, body type, color of skin, health, even body odors, nothing matters. If she wants it, she will get it. So females make the decision. If you know a man is married and you are teasing him, you are at fault. Men lose control once the little head takes over.
I told my wife she didn't have to cheat. If she wanted a young lover (she is 60) I told her she can do any guy she wants the only catch is I get to watch. She didn't see the humor in that, too bad I love to watch!
This is exactly how I feel. My husband and I work, he gets home and relaxes. I get home I have to cook, clean, get the kids ready for bed, and prepare everything for the next day. Im tired too, I wanna relax. I have told him how I feel and it doesnt change a thing, even told him I might cheat on you. The husband thinks I want to be a young girl again and not be responsible. I just want the excitment, knowing that I still got it. I dont want to get with no one else, because it will be the same thing. I dont have time to pay attention to the husband, my focus is the kids. We been together since we were 14yrs old, TEEN MOM. Im 26 and feel old as dirt. Thats no ones fauld but mine, my first and only. I never gave myself a chance.
hey kay .. sounds to me lke you needa one night stand .. call me
Kay, Kay, Kay.... there is always a chance, especially at the age of 26. It's likely that your husband is acting just like his dad and his dad's dad did before him; I would venture that he doesn't have the emotional skills (and they are skills you learn) and the awareness to really see what your daily life is all about or to tap into how you feel: he simply isn't able to see it or think about it in a way that helps you. Please, seek out help, make contact with other women around you, find counseling-empower yourself and your children. I wish I had some immediate references for you but I don't. There are support and counseling groups in every community everywhere. Find one, tell your story. Give yourself that chance and motivation to really step outside this box you're in and even find a way to begin changing your husband's perspective so he can learn a new way of relating to you.
So if you don't have time for all the things in your life now, what makes you thinking having an affair (adding another thing to the mix) is going to make things better? It'll just complicate things more. Nobody says YOU have to be the one to do all the housework and care for the kids when you get home. Start negotiating/sharing more household work with your husband. Or just tell him you're not going to do it alone and will not do it for a week or two and see how everyone likes it. Your kids should also contribute something unless they're toddlers. but even young children can clean up after themselves if taught to do it.
what a date kay .........e-mail me back
Quit your job. Then you can relax all day
It sounds like your husband needs to step up to the plate and participate in parenthood and your partnership. Unfortunately, it sounds as if he is absent from your marriage and likes it that way. You might consider getting involved in some activity of your own that gets you out of the house one night a week. A church group might be nice if you are religious, a class related to an interest you have, i.e., a music or art or craft class. You might get together with other women friends and purchase season tickets to a local theater groups plays or to the opera, symphony, etc., if you live in a big city. I know this may sound at first like it is just adding to your already busy schedule. What I think it will do for you is two things. 1) you will get a much needed break from the drudgery of your life, 2) since you will be out of the house, your husband will have to at least start cooking and caring for the kids at least one day a week which would be a start that might lead to his greater participation in your marriage in the long run. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can afford to, you should schedule a spa day for yourself a couple of days a month or over one weekend a month so you have some time to yourself to recuperate from your schedule. You've earned it by virtue of being the only adult doing the heavy lifting of family life in your marriage.
Kay, Thinks2010 has given you the best advice! I'm only a couple years older than you are, and I could have been in the same situation with a guy I was dating in high school and throughout college. I was sort of grooming myself to become his wife, but in doing so I lost ME. Try to find the essence of YOU and that could possibly help save and redefine your marriage.
By the way, I found ME again...after the weight of the relationship was lifted, she resurfaced : )
i think that all of you may be mentally retarded, even more than people who mentally disabled people ebcause ive never ehard of disabled people cheating
"Don’t get me wrong: Male cheating is definitely harmful. But when a woman fools around, it’s often the death knell to a couple’s relationship."
This is awesome.... it's even more accepted that men cheat.
I'm a man, but come on guy... they are both bad and equally harmful.
One kind of cheating more ok than another.
This pretty much killed the rest of the fairly well thought out article. but again.. come on.
kurtd, I think what the author was going for was that if a woman cheats it often means she is done with the relationship so even if the guy forgives her it is still over. If a guy cheats and his wife forgives him the chances are he wasn't looking for an out but rather was able to cheat without feeling emotions towards the hussie. If you can't understand that concept perhaps take some reading comprehension courses at the local community college.
Actually, it's quite true...i know several couples where the man cheated & the marriage went on for better or worse...but every time the woman cheats...it never EVER bounces back. The article is dead on. Women cheat as a way to start the divorce process...
I agree, Kurtd – I do understand the author's point: that once a woman is found to be cheating, the relationship is more likely to end. However, he does not mention whether this may be partly because women are more likely to forgive a cheating spouse and stay in the relationship while men are less likely to forgive. In fact, it seems from what he says that women don't usually cheat until the marriage is no longer working: relationship is already OVER. The marriage does not end because of the cheating wife; the wife cheats because the marriage is ending.
it may be just my opinion but i believe you have the brain of a slug, or have become too womanlike
David, I'd throw you a courtesy F but I hear you have a little ding a 'ling.
I once was a personal trainer. My female clients were always bashing their husband. i had plenty chances but turned them down because i could not do it to another men or my belief. Guys talk to your wives and try to listen and be a good husband. Men run like Joseph in the Bible ran from Protipher's wife when the opportunities are presented. It was tough to say because these women don't take rejection well and they most often beautiful with no character. I am glad that I kept my faith and belief.
I agree with you and I am guilty of this alot. There are times that I wish to sit in front of TV or listen to sports and tune my wife out. However, when I do listen sometimes I am also guilty of trying to fix what is wrong with her. When she tells me of a problem, I come up with solutions. Maybe that is the way that I am wired, since I work in IT, but she gets mad because I try to fix insted of listening.
Women need you to just listen. Not judge, not comment, not find solutions. They need to talk waaaayyy more than we (guys) do. Yeah, it's boring at times, but that's one of the things we need to do to maintain the relationship. The reward: they will encourage you when you feel uncertain about other things, like jobs, etc.
Harry, you've won half the battle just by recognizing that she wants you to listen and not solve the problem. Many guys don't even get that, and women don't always spell it out. Just keep TRYING to listen and not solve, bite your tongue or sit on your hand or whatever! Or sometimes maybe even ask her, "I can think of a possible solution, do you want to hear it? It's ok if you don't. I'm here to listen no matter what."
It sure is boring to listen to women whine
I agree and would add, do it for yourself. Be faithful because you want to be faithful, not because of your kids, or vows, or anything else. Just remember, whatever decision you make you will have to live with. Something that I have learned over time is that many-many times it is women who initiate contact and try to push the envelope. If you listen to their problems, by instinct you are going to try to help or fix it.
Ladies, if you have issues with your husbands, talk to them. Don't bring other guys into the mix.
t doesn't take a rocket scientist (I work with a few of them so I know of what I am speaking) to understand infidelity & the proclivities of men. Conversely, women have their secretive ways of cheating as well.
If your not cheating, your not trying! 😉
I dont get it????
*You're.
Try learning some grammar and figuring out the difference between "your" and "you're". Maybe then you will get the chance to do some cheating.
Oh, here we go...a wrong auto correct on the phone and we have all the professors up in arms. What is with all these losers that troll forums and blogs etc. that feel the need to try and "educate" us on spelling, when we know that smart phones auto correct at times? Are you that insecure about YOUR life that this is YOUR one opportunity to show some false sense of power? LOSERS. 😉 Peace in the Middle East.
Smart phones are only as smart as their hopefully smarter users.
I always tell my wife if wants to cheat just film it for my enjoyment later, life is too short to ruined by jealousy.
You won't be saying that when you get herpes and she gives birth to a half-black kid
You equate being bothered by someone cheating on you, as you simply being a victim of jealousy? Perhaps if you ever meet the right woman (or man) and have actual feelings for them, you'd see it differently.
I've been happily married for 15 years and BTW "No One", my wife is black which makes my kid half black and yes he's the best kid in the world. You guys need to lighten up.
Not to mention women have movies like "The Notebook" that supports female infidelity
Hmmm, was she already married????
well, no, but she was engaged. Still bad though
Men have too many movies to list here that encourage male infidelity, so what's your point?
its strange when looking at all these posts i always find biased opinions who get offended when someone supposes that it could be the womans fault, i dont get when i look at the opposite side which doesnt usually be biased in favor of male cheating but is usually except in some cases equally decisive, but then again maybe im just biased so how i see it icould be strange to what actually may be "normal"
Sites like Facebook have led to a huge increase in women cheating on their spouses. So many woman that are unhappy in their marriage seem to be re-connecting with men from their past on Facebook.
I completely disagree. So you're saying that if your wife is successful and works a full time job, she will cheat? This is the most mancentric article I have ever read.
It's saying that women who feel less dependent on a male partner are more likely to look elsewhere for love because their lifestyle doesn't depend on their marriage. Most women who aren't financially successful feel that they are supported and sometimes stay married just for the benefits of being married, while if they did not need the support they would be less likely to stay in a relationship they didn't want to be in.
Besides love, women cheat for money,
And besides those two reasons, women also cheat for every reason that men cheat, too.
WOW! A cheater that likes to be drilled all night and have her hair pulled haha BINGO I was just about to hit Craigslist and look for that! what a coincidence!
After explaining that women cheat, and are just as likely as men to do it, the author closes with a tired potshot at men: "boys will be boys." Men are lying, cheating b*******, and women are inherently virtuous and pure and only cheat when neglected. It's yet another way that our culture has moved towards celebrating women, and insulting and deprecating men. I guess men are useless until you need them.
Calm down, bro. "boys will be boys" is by no means a potshot at men; quite the opposite, it's a statement that excuses men for cheating.
@bro: You're really bad at reading between the lines. "Boys will be boys" in this context means that men are dogs and can't control it. Women, on the other hand, are higher "emotional" beings, and have valid reasons for cheating.
Yeah and you need to read the article again.
It says "culture of forgiveness that favors men".
This is not a potshot at men. The adage says that boys are automatically forgiven for what is considered natural.
I think it meant that it's hard for most people to believe women cheat because it's more expected from a guy. For most of these people it's the usual excuse of "boys will be boys" ....but what about the girls??? At the end it, the article makes it clear that we are all capable of the same things, male or female.
She is worth throwing the marriage away, trust me.
P.S.: the rumors about the girls on 4 are all true!
The cheat occurs when some bloke "notices" them and after their husband had long stopped. But firstly its because they are lazy and stopped worshiping the King they were with...stopped working on the relationship because it got hard or social stresses fractured the fragile relationship it was in the first place. Kids or not women cheating is an epidemic.
My ex wife cheated with 3 little children at home, and after 11 years. The marriage wrecked I then cheated with a married woman myself. And as a newly single man I found a long line of married women ready and looking to cheat as if it were fashionable. I could myspace a gal during the day and have her bedded that same evening. At the time I found it horribly depressing. If you are married – love the one yur with – and never cheat. Else, always end one relationship before starting another.
Just remember, It's not cheating, unless you get caught.
Truth
Could not have said it better. 😉
And what really sucks is when women cheat, they rarely blame themselves. They blame the man in the relationship. Which is absolutely wrong. 2 of my 3 long term girlfriends cheated on me. I treated them respect and love. I was good to them. But they ended up banging their best guy friend in both occasions....
Women, own up to your own infidelity... it's not the guy's fault.
very true!!!
Absolutely correct!
It's probably both parties fault a lot of the time. Either way, it is wrong. Both parties need to be attentive to their partners needs, the day to day tasks, and they need to be willing to work out disagreements in a mature and equitable fashion. If they can't do that, they shouldn't be together, and they should have the integrity to split up before the cheating starts.
@Thinks2010: Cheating is never "both parties fault". Its *100%* the decision of the cheater. If the cheater isn't fulfilled by the relationship, they can be honest and quit it before moving on to another.
I suppose you think if someone robs your house, it is 'half your fault' because you had a nice house full of tempting stuff?
Freeman-You are right, the decision to cheat is, of course, only the cheaters. What I was trying to get at, but apparently expressed poorly, is that both parties in a failing marriage have probably contributed to that failure in most cases. That being said, there is no excuse for cheating. Mature individuals with any integrity will try hard to work things out. If they can't, they will end the marriage. Cheaters lack integrity.
99 problems but a b***h ain't one...I stay single.
"...cuz dat's jus' how I roll!"
Since you already lack respect for women, you are doing the world a favor by staying single.
And I'm so sure you never listen to that shrill-voiced Canadian chick (though if you tape her mouth shut, she's still pretty hot).
D - you are my hero .. I wish I could meet you.
@Frank – take advantage while you can
@Jim – priceless...
Stay single! Men want s*x, women want money. Nothing complicated about it.
Goat, I've got plenty of my own money. I want someone to take out the trash, fill up the car, and kill any bugs that happen to get in the house. 🙂
kathryn, you're expecting too much! Been there.
Kathryn: Hire a maid to clean up after you (since you don't seem to be able to do it yourself), hire a pest controller to fumigate your house because you're a slob and it invites bugs to come in, and hire a personal assistant to fill your car with gas. While you're at it, why don't you hire someone to wipe your a$$ for you?
Hilarious. Just hilarious.
If you cheat it will come back you. And if you do someone's wife, someone will do you wife. bottom line
Bottom line is: if you do it with someone's wife, sooner or later you'll end with a husband who won't hesitate to shoot you.
Your choice
Even when a couple decides to stay together and try to work it out for the children or financial reason or whatever.
When a man cheats on a woman, women stay angry with their husbands for about 10 years. I wouldn't want to live with someone who hated my guts for 10 years.
Trust me, if you cheat on your spouse, your spouse will be angry at you for a long time. There is no forgiveness.
Amen to that.
A woman "forgives" but never forgets.
If you get caught cheating, you might as well not ask for forgiveness. The marriage is dead.
By the way, if you didn't know that women claim to cheat for "emotional" reasons, and use that for justification and rationalization of their bad behavior, and have done both since the beginning of time, you're not paying attention. This isn't anything new.
I really have to wonder about his credibility as a counselor or even ability to write an article about this subject when I read: "When men get angry about something, they tend to lash out, but women often self-silence and bottle up their emotions. "
Good point! Isn't that the other way around??!
Exactly! I wish my woman WOULD shut the hell up when she gets mad!