 |
|
|
|
March 3rd, 2011
08:17 AM ET
E-motional affairs: How Facebook leads to infidelityIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
If you or your mate are spending too much time strolling down a digital Memory Lane, an emotional affair could be in the works. Here's how to Facebook-proof your relationship: Don’t romanticize the past at the expense of the present. I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage. How to reconnect and not be awkward or creepy In the end, we’re only human. We all romanticize the past, men and women alike. And no memories are more potent than those first youthful fumblings. We tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad. Until the advent of Facebook, though, most of us were compelled to leave the past in the past and move on. But now exes of all stripes - high school sweethearts, college lovers, former hookups - are popping up on Facebook. When two people strike up an online friendship, it’s easy to idealize each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered, particularly if intimacy was once shared in the past. But when one partner starts sharing himself or herself with another person, it chips away at the foundation of their core relationship - and starts building a foundation for a new relationship. Don't keep secrets. Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. Each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner. In the past few years, I’ve heard from at least three exes who wanted to be my Facebook friend or found my website and e-mailed me out of the blue. And while it's tempting to accept these friend requests, or to fire back a quick “of course I remember you” e-mail, I haven’t done so. That was then; this is now. And in those rare instances where I have accepted an ex as a Facebook friend, or written back, I’ve informed my wife and let her read every correspondence. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because we have nothing to hide. Once you have something to hide, that’s where the trouble begins. So if an old flame is on your case, just say, “I’m in a relationship now. I wish you all the best.” With Facebook friends like these, who needs enemies? The instant gratification of Facebook and other social networks stimulates reward centers in the brain - and it's easy to find oneself craving the quick hit of a connection or lamenting its absence. Even without the senses driving attraction, the mind goes into overdrive and imagines that this is the perfect person and the perfect relationship. Soon, a person may feel like an online friend “knows” him or her better than a partner does. People may feel freer to explore other parts of themselves, while real life (and a real relationship) feels stifling. This artificial sense of intimacy can begin to consume a person’s thoughts, which becomes all the more exciting because it’s a secret. Most people don’t set out to have “e-motional” affairs, and that’s one of the dangers of social networks like Facebook. It often just happens, usually as a friendly relationship snowballs into something more meaningful. A common myth is that only people in unhappy relationships have emotional affairs. In fact, many men and women who commit emotional infidelity report that they were happy when they became involved with their affair partners. Rather than seeking out love (or sex), unfaithful partners gradually blur the boundaries between friendship and intimacy over an extended period of time. Facebook friends: More powerful than Internet porn . As a sex therapist, I tend to hear a lot about people’s sexual habits, both when they’re with their partner and when they’re on their own. Now, it's no secret that when men self-pleasure they often choose Internet pornography over their own erotic imagination. Think of it as the lazy man's way; the difference between reading and watching TV. However, men who are Facebooking with their exes and falling in love all over again often skip the computer and go back to those potent formative memories to get themselves off. That’s how strong the past is - even stronger than Internet porn! An online affair is fueled by feelings of attraction between two people. You start to idealize the other person and fantasize about what sex would be like. This only adds fuel to the fire. Just like primary relationships, affairs that start out slowly and build a connection before progressing to sex are often the most difficult to break off - and the most damaging to the other relationship. There's no shame in disconnecting your Facebook account. Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find you’re thinking more and more about the past, and getting to the point where you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that person again, it’s time to unplug your computer, and get back to “face-timing” with your partner instead of Facebooking with the past. There's no shame in removing the one variable causing all the problems. Look, in the end we’re all living, breathing sexual beings. Attraction doesn’t end once we’re in a relationship. Even the most happily coupled people are going to feel the familiar buzz of attraction when someone catches their eye or laughs at one of their jokes. However, while feeling attraction is unavoidable, acting on it crosses the line. Attraction is one ingredient of an emotional affair. In order for attraction to launch into an emotional affair, a person has to also develop intimacy and, eventually, a feeling of connection with that person that supersedes their current relationship. In other words, attraction + effort + intimacy = emotional infidelity. Take away one, and all you’re left with is a natural instinct or a harmless Facebook friendship. Put all three together, and with friends like that... your relationship has a new enemy. soundoff (1,424 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 Next »Leave a Reply to Forklift Tires California
Next entry »What Serena Williams' condition means
« Previous entryOn the Brain: Does a full bladder free your mind?
|
  About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
 |
|
|
|
While the movie "The Social Network" may be Oscar history, Facebook is creating real-life dramas that lead to anything but Hollywood happy endings. In the last couple of years, I’ve seen scores of relationships destroyed by what I call "Facebook bombs" - blasts from the past that leave a relationship shattered to pieces.
After I originally commented I seem to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I receive 4 emails with the same comment. There has to be an easy method you can remove me from that service? Appreciate it!
http://www.deri-ou.com/url.php?url=https://www.commercialvanrepairshop.com/sprinter-van-body-shop-near-me
http://fabebook.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=www.sprintervanrepairshop.com/sprinter-van-maintenance-shop-near-me
https://slack-redir.net/link?url=https://postfallswebsites.com
https://www.tapinto.net/newsletters/5bf3cd94a06be2548000001f/register_click?url=http://ocrvfleetservices.com/sprinter-van-repair-shop-near-me
Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Thank you so much, However I am encountering difficulties with your RSS. I don’t understand why I cannot subscribe to it. Is there anybody getting the same RSS problems? Anyone that knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanks!!
http://www.theamericanmuslim.org/tam.php?URL=http://boxtruckrepairshop.com/services/
Excellent article! We are linking to this particularly great content on our website. Keep up the good writing.
http://www.response-o-matic.com/thank_you.php?u=https://fleetautorepairshop.com/van-repair-shop-near-me-3&t=near+me
Way cool! Some very valid points! I appreciate you writing this write-up plus the rest of the site is extremely good.
http://www.aidenpan.com/home/link.php?url=https://spokanevalleywebdesign.com
This is a good tip especially to those new to the blogosphere. Simple but very accurate information… Thank you for sharing this one. A must read article!
http://www.twpusc.org/Redirect.aspx?destination=http://www.sprintervanrepairnearme.com
where to buy cialis in canada generic cialis online overnight how long till cialis works
https://www.ehso.com/ehsord.php?URL=https://www.fleetrepairshops.com/van-mechanic-shop-near-me/
generic cialis reviews forum cialis otc 2017 taking viagra and cialis
https://www.capital.gr/viewswitcher/switchview?mobile=False&returnUrl=http://fleetautorepairshop.com/airport-van-repair-shop-near-me
After going over a number of the blog articles on your site, I really like your technique of writing a blog. I added it to my bookmark site list and will be checking back in the near future. Take a look at my web site too and tell me your opinion.
https://www.chinarundreisen.com/publicbin/redirect.asp?url=https://ocrvcenter.biz/
I enjoy reading a post that can make men and women think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!
https://www.kronenberg.org/download.php?download=http://sprintervanrepairnearme.com&filename=rpn-calculator_0.9.0.wdgt.zip&project=RPN-Calculator
Having read this I believed it was extremely informative. I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this short article together. I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worth it!
https://spotlight.radiopublic.com/images/thumbnail?url=http://commercialvanrepairshop.com/testimonials/
buy brand cialis online usa kupi online cialis 200 mg cialis deals online
new cialis commercial 2010 cialis in canada fast shipping cialis insurance coverage
Everything is very open with a clear explanation of the issues. It was really informative. Your website is very useful. Thanks for sharing!
https://rspcb.safety.fhwa.dot.gov/pageRedirect.aspx?RedirectedURL=https://commercialvanrepairshop.com/rv-restoration-shop-near-me
Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this article plus the rest of the site is extremely good.
https://www.capnordic.dk/redirect.asp?url=https://sprintervanrepair.com/
After looking into a few of the articles on your web page, I really appreciate your way of writing a blog. I saved as a favorite it to my bookmark webpage list and will be checking back in the near future. Take a look at my web site as well and tell me what you think.
https://www.slack-redir.net/link?url=https://www.sprintervanrepairnearme.com
I’m amazed, I must say. Seldom do I encounter a blog that’s both educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head. The issue is something which too few folks are speaking intelligently about. I'm very happy I came across this in my search for something concerning this.
http://themza.com/redirect.php?r=ocrvfleetservices.com/luxury-van-repair-shop-near-me
After checking out a few of the blog posts on your site, I really like your technique of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark webpage list and will be checking back in the near future. Take a look at my website too and let me know your opinion.
http://www.sweetpaulmag.com/Redirect.aspx?destination=https://fleetservicerepairshop.com/van-dent-repair-shop-near-me
cialis with food or empty stomach what doe cialis look like does cialis make you last longer
Oh my goodness! Impressive article dude! Thank you so much, However I am going through troubles with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why I can't join it. Is there anyone else getting similar RSS issues? Anybody who knows the solution can you kindly respond? Thanx!!
https://track.wheelercentre.com/event?target=https://blog.christianunge.com/2013/06/08/valkomstavsnitt/
normal dose of cialis viagra vs cialis side effects levitra vs cialis vs viagra
http://library.sust.edu/cgi-bin/koha/tracklinks.pl?biblionumber=32573&uri=http://1nom.org/annuaire/goto.php?id=30176
buy cialisonline cialis no prescription overnight delivery cheapest 10mg cialis
I have to thank you for the efforts you've put in penning this blog. I am hoping to see the same high-grade blog posts from you later on as well. In truth, your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my own site now 😉
http://suzuki.saikyou.biz/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=5&url=https://ingenieurleistungenreiter.com/index.php?option=com_phocaguestbook&view=phocaguestbook&id=1&Itemid=4&t=2340&limitstart=57800
Pretty! This was a really wonderful post. Thank you for supplying this information.
http://etracker.de/lnkcnt.php?et=mjVFaK&url=https://ingenieurleistungenreiter.de/index.php?option=com_phocaguestbook&view=phocaguestbook&id=1&Itemid=4&t=140&limitstart=81320
http://dol.deliver.ifeng.com/c?z=ifeng&la=0&si=2&cg=1&c=1&ci=2&or=7549&l=28704&bg=28703&b=37275&u=https://colliny48m9.luwebs.com/5175529/internet-marketing-consultants-near-me-fundamentals-explained
can i order drugs from canada dysfunction canadian pharmacy for pets
https://ttf.sdsu.edu/?URL=publiensayos.com/formas-de-dictaminacion-diferentes-a-las-normas-de-auditoria/
I could not resist commenting. Well written!
https://www.codersclub.org/uchome/link.php?url=https://www.onwardbusinessstrategies.kylieblog.com/2257727/everything-about-rv-repair-shop
Can I simply say what a comfort to discover someone who genuinely understands what they are discussing over the internet. You definitely understand how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More people must look at this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised you're not more popular because you most certainly have the gift.
https://ttf.sdsu.edu/?URL=decoblinds.com.ar/buy-organic-food-online/
The very next time I read a blog, I hope that it does not fail me just as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, however I truly believed you would probably have something helpful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something you could possibly fix if you were not too busy looking for attention.
https://click.alamode.com/?adcode=CPEMAQM0913_1&url=http://munihuancabamba.gob.pe/transparencia/buenas-practicas/comunicados/item/357-corte-de-cabello-gratuito-para-escolares?start=94600
australia online pharmacy free shipping legit canadian pharmacy online canada pharmacy coupon
Hi there! This post could not be written much better! Going through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept talking about this. I most certainly will forward this information to him. Fairly certain he'll have a great read. Thanks for sharing!
http://bbs.cfish.idv.tw/link.php?url=https://homemadewithmess.co.uk/recipe/roasted-squash-and-red-pepper-lasagne-layered-with-creamy-summer-greens/comment-page-29/
online pharmacy tech classes discount canadian pharmacy insulin from canadian pharmacies
bookmarked!!, I love your site!
https://kzsoft.to/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=1187&url=https://postfallsphotographer.com/
http://redirects.tradedoubler.com/utm/td_redirect.php?td_keep_old_utm_value=1&url=https://lanec47f5.review-blogger.com/23725213/repair-shop-for-dummies
bookmarked!!, I love your site!
http://dol.deliver.ifeng.com/c?z=ifeng&la=0&si=2&cg=1&c=1&ci=2&or=7549&l=28704&bg=28703&b=37275&u=https://gunnerc96t5.blogsmine.com/4407519/the-5-second-trick-for-rv-body-shop
http://etracker.de/lnkcnt.php?et=mjVFaK&url=https://holdenn05f7.ttblogs.com/5370775/what-does-seo-marketing-companies-near-me-mean
https://site-navi.net/sponavi/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=890&url=https://ppcpostfalls.com/
http://www.irwebcast.com/cgi-local/report/redirect.cgi?url=https://www.ocrv.mobi
drug rx pharmacy tech online training free pharmacy usa store
https://track.aftermarket.pl/track.php?ref=&url=http://fleetvehiclerepairshop.com/
http://royalhorse.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=sprinterrepairnearme.com
Spot on with this write-up, I truly believe this web site needs a lot more attention. I’ll probably be returning to read more, thanks for the info!
http://www.scampatrol.org/tools/whois.php?domain=www.ocrv.store/
Good article! We will be linking to this particularly great article on our site. Keep up the good writing.
http://urlxray.com/display.php?url=www.rvmarketingexperts.com
Spot on with this write-up, I honestly think this website needs much more attention. I’ll probably be back again to read more, thanks for the information!
http://wealthsimulator.biz/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrvfleetservices.com/