 |
|
|
|
March 3rd, 2011
08:17 AM ET
E-motional affairs: How Facebook leads to infidelityIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
If you or your mate are spending too much time strolling down a digital Memory Lane, an emotional affair could be in the works. Here's how to Facebook-proof your relationship: Don’t romanticize the past at the expense of the present. I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage. How to reconnect and not be awkward or creepy In the end, we’re only human. We all romanticize the past, men and women alike. And no memories are more potent than those first youthful fumblings. We tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad. Until the advent of Facebook, though, most of us were compelled to leave the past in the past and move on. But now exes of all stripes - high school sweethearts, college lovers, former hookups - are popping up on Facebook. When two people strike up an online friendship, it’s easy to idealize each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered, particularly if intimacy was once shared in the past. But when one partner starts sharing himself or herself with another person, it chips away at the foundation of their core relationship - and starts building a foundation for a new relationship. Don't keep secrets. Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. Each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner. In the past few years, I’ve heard from at least three exes who wanted to be my Facebook friend or found my website and e-mailed me out of the blue. And while it's tempting to accept these friend requests, or to fire back a quick “of course I remember you” e-mail, I haven’t done so. That was then; this is now. And in those rare instances where I have accepted an ex as a Facebook friend, or written back, I’ve informed my wife and let her read every correspondence. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because we have nothing to hide. Once you have something to hide, that’s where the trouble begins. So if an old flame is on your case, just say, “I’m in a relationship now. I wish you all the best.” With Facebook friends like these, who needs enemies? The instant gratification of Facebook and other social networks stimulates reward centers in the brain - and it's easy to find oneself craving the quick hit of a connection or lamenting its absence. Even without the senses driving attraction, the mind goes into overdrive and imagines that this is the perfect person and the perfect relationship. Soon, a person may feel like an online friend “knows” him or her better than a partner does. People may feel freer to explore other parts of themselves, while real life (and a real relationship) feels stifling. This artificial sense of intimacy can begin to consume a person’s thoughts, which becomes all the more exciting because it’s a secret. Most people don’t set out to have “e-motional” affairs, and that’s one of the dangers of social networks like Facebook. It often just happens, usually as a friendly relationship snowballs into something more meaningful. A common myth is that only people in unhappy relationships have emotional affairs. In fact, many men and women who commit emotional infidelity report that they were happy when they became involved with their affair partners. Rather than seeking out love (or sex), unfaithful partners gradually blur the boundaries between friendship and intimacy over an extended period of time. Facebook friends: More powerful than Internet porn . As a sex therapist, I tend to hear a lot about people’s sexual habits, both when they’re with their partner and when they’re on their own. Now, it's no secret that when men self-pleasure they often choose Internet pornography over their own erotic imagination. Think of it as the lazy man's way; the difference between reading and watching TV. However, men who are Facebooking with their exes and falling in love all over again often skip the computer and go back to those potent formative memories to get themselves off. That’s how strong the past is - even stronger than Internet porn! An online affair is fueled by feelings of attraction between two people. You start to idealize the other person and fantasize about what sex would be like. This only adds fuel to the fire. Just like primary relationships, affairs that start out slowly and build a connection before progressing to sex are often the most difficult to break off - and the most damaging to the other relationship. There's no shame in disconnecting your Facebook account. Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find you’re thinking more and more about the past, and getting to the point where you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that person again, it’s time to unplug your computer, and get back to “face-timing” with your partner instead of Facebooking with the past. There's no shame in removing the one variable causing all the problems. Look, in the end we’re all living, breathing sexual beings. Attraction doesn’t end once we’re in a relationship. Even the most happily coupled people are going to feel the familiar buzz of attraction when someone catches their eye or laughs at one of their jokes. However, while feeling attraction is unavoidable, acting on it crosses the line. Attraction is one ingredient of an emotional affair. In order for attraction to launch into an emotional affair, a person has to also develop intimacy and, eventually, a feeling of connection with that person that supersedes their current relationship. In other words, attraction + effort + intimacy = emotional infidelity. Take away one, and all you’re left with is a natural instinct or a harmless Facebook friendship. Put all three together, and with friends like that... your relationship has a new enemy. soundoff (1,424 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 Next »Leave a Reply to AqcfTeneseelt
Next entry »What Serena Williams' condition means
« Previous entryOn the Brain: Does a full bladder free your mind?
|
  About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
 |
|
|
|
While the movie "The Social Network" may be Oscar history, Facebook is creating real-life dramas that lead to anything but Hollywood happy endings. In the last couple of years, I’ve seen scores of relationships destroyed by what I call "Facebook bombs" - blasts from the past that leave a relationship shattered to pieces.
There is certainly a lot to know about this topic. I love all the points you have made.
http://manoeksportas.vz.lt/invitePage.do?id=309782144&url=http://ocrv.vip/rv-repair-shop-palos-verdes-estates-california
http://thevillagesatpinevalley.com/Click.aspx?url=//phantomblindsight.com/?p=1034
http://e-search.ohimesamaclub.com/y/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=13&url=https://ocrvcenter.com/rv-repair-shop-chino-hills-california
This blog was... how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I've found something that helped me. Many thanks!
https://www.jump.fan-site.biz/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=342&url=https://www.ocrvcenter.com/rv-repair-shop-hidden-hills-california
clorochina chloroquine hcl chloroquine hydrochloride aralen chloroquine phosphate https://chloroquineorigin.com/
I’m amazed, I must say. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s equally educative and entertaining, and without a doubt, you've hit the nail on the head. The issue is something which not enough folks are speaking intelligently about. I'm very happy that I stumbled across this during my search for something concerning this.
https://triathlon.org/?URL=ocrv.world/rv-repair-shop-manhattan-beach-california
Can I simply just say what a comfort to discover someone who genuinely knows what they are discussing over the internet. You definitely understand how to bring an issue to light and make it important. A lot more people have to read this and understand this side of the story. I was surprised that you are not more popular since you certainly possess the gift.
http://www.bluefeather.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=affordableranking.com
This blog was... how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I've found something which helped me. Thanks!
http://www.onionring.jp/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=281&url=http://www.ocrvcenter.com/rv-repair-shop-la-verne-california/
Pretty! This has been an extremely wonderful post. Many thanks for supplying this information.
http://www.love.okchatroom.com/lovelove/link.php?url=https://ocrvcenter.com/rv-repair-shop-cerritos-california
Oh my goodness! Amazing article dude! Many thanks, However I am experiencing difficulties with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why I can't join it. Is there anyone else getting similar RSS problems? Anyone who knows the answer will you kindly respond? Thanx!!
http://handi-gun.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=affordableranking.com
This blog was... how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something that helped me. Kudos!
https://www.morhipo.com/shared/partnercookie?k=gort&url=http://ocrv.org/rv-repair-shop-anaheim-california
http://www.am-one.co.jp/english/en-jump.html?url=https://ocrvcenter.com/camper-collision-repair-shop-near-me
http://www.he-web.com/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=6111&url=http://www.ocrvcenter.com/rv-repair-shop-palm-springs-california
/
http://www.freedback.com/thank_you.php?u=https://ocrvandtrucks.com/rv-repair-shop-los-angeles-california
Everything is very open with a precise clarification of
the challenges. It was definitely informative. Your site is useful.
Many thanks for sharing!
Your style is really unique compared to other folks I have read stuff from. I appreciate you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just bookmark this page.
http://cat.sustech.edu/cgi-bin/koha/tracklinks.pl?uri=//www.ocrvcenter.com/rv-repair-shop-anaheim-california/
dapoxetine cialis american express http://ucialisdas.com/ fastest delivery of cialis
cialis generic date http://cialisee.com/ cialis without a perscription
A fascinating discussion is definitely worth comment. I think that you ought to publish more about this topic, it may not be a taboo subject but typically people do not discuss such subjects. To the next! Cheers!!
http://infocommiq-catalogs.avnetwork.com/avcat/ctl_externallink.cfm?linktype=rfi_mfrlink&mlc_id=11712&pin_id=8438&newsid=20914&eurl=http://ocrv.me/rv-repair-shop-loma-linda-california
http://tamiroom.com/bbs/cafe.php?mode=node&id=936&page=1&home=https://www.ocrvcenter.com/rv-flooring-repair-near-me
cialis male enhancement https://rcialisgl.com/ cialis without prescription
https://www.paltalk.com/client/webapp/client/External.wmt?url=https://ocrv.org/rv-repair-shop-long-beach-california
http://ww17.blogpost.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrvcenter.com/rv-parts-near-me
cheap viagra super force https://llviagra.com/ – como usar viagra por primera vez para que se usa el viagra
buy cyclomune cyclosporine lab tube
/
This is a topic that's near to my heart... Cheers! Where are your contact details though?
http://onionring.jp/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=281&url=https://laraduran.com/2016/08/22/i-gave-up-on-chicken-legs/
overnight delivery cialis https://rcialisgl.com/ cialis online aust
is there a female viagra http://jokviagra.com/ get viagra prescription
cialisВ® https://ucialisdas.com/ where to buy cialis soft tabs
viagra super force http://llviagra.com/ viagra patent expiration in us
https://biz.timesfreepress.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=https://www.affordableranking.com/
tadalafil https://cttadalafil.com/ where to buy generic cialis online safely buy cialis pills best price usa tadalafil
It’s hard to find experienced people about this topic, but you seem like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks
/
http://www.10lowkey.us/UCH/link.php?url=http://www.gostosassoputaria.com/index.php/2018/10/28/professora-novinha-safada-pediu-pra-gozar-dentro/
I wanted to thank you for this fantastic read!! I certainly loved every little bit of it. I have you saved as a favorite to look at new stuff you postÖ
http://www.jp-sex.com/amature/mkr/out.cgi?id=05730&go=https://internetmarketingnevada.com
I was able to find good info from your blog articles.
/
This website truly has all of the information I wanted about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
https://www.shop-bell.com/out.php?id=kibocase&category=ladies&url=https://forkliftswildwestlifttrucks.com/garden-grove-forklifts
You made some really good points there. I looked on the internet to learn more about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this site.
https://www.irisohyama.co.jp/publicity/view.php?query=http://forkliftswildwestlifttrucks.com/buena-park-forklifts
Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thanks, However I am encountering difficulties with your RSS. I don’t know why I cannot join it. Is there anybody having identical RSS problems? Anybody who knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanx!!
http://merchant-navy.net/forum/redirect-to/?redirect=http://www.affordableranking.com
http://www.joomla-code.ru/go.php?gogo=http://forkliftswildwestlifttrucks.com/fountain-valley-forklifts/
Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular post! It's the little changes that make the greatest changes. Thanks for sharing!
https://www.tapinto.net/newsletters/5bf3cd94a06be2548000001f/register_click?url=https://forkliftswildwestlifttrucks.com/jurupa-valley-forklifts
There's certainly a great deal to find out about this subject. I like all of the points you made.
http://wissensnavigator.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=affordableranking.com
where do you inject liquid cialis https://krocialis.com/ – whats cialis what mg does cialis come in
Greetings, There's no doubt that your site could possibly be having web browser compatibility issues. Whenever I look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine but when opening in I.E., it has some overlapping issues. I just wanted to provide you with a quick heads up! Apart from that, excellent site!
http://rtb-asiamax.tenmax.io/bid/click/1462922913409/e95f2c30-1706-11e6-a9b4-a9f6fe33c6df/3456/5332/?rUrl=http://seopostfalls.com/
Howdy! This article could not be written any better! Going through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept talking about this. I'll forward this information to him. Pretty sure he's going to have a great read. Thank you for sharing!
https://www.ohsoclevertshirts.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=affordableranking.com
where to buy generic cialis online safely https://tadalafilol.com/ – cialis cost side effects of tadalafil tadalafil online with out prescription https://tadalafilww.com/
https://www.daretobeinspired.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=http://www.affordableranking.com
Great web site you have got here.. It’s difficult to find high-quality writing like yours nowadays. I truly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!
https://swordfishsoft.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=affordableranking.com