March 3rd, 2011
08:17 AM ET
E-motional affairs: How Facebook leads to infidelity
Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
While the movie "The Social Network" may be Oscar history, Facebook is creating real-life dramas that lead to anything but Hollywood happy endings. In the last couple of years, I’ve seen scores of relationships destroyed by what I call "Facebook bombs" - blasts from the past that leave a relationship shattered to pieces.
If you or your mate are spending too much time strolling down a digital Memory Lane, an emotional affair could be in the works. Here's how to Facebook-proof your relationship:
Don’t romanticize the past at the expense of the present.
I’m hearing this real-life story more often: A tale of high school sweethearts trying to go “back to the future,” only to realize they should have been content to leave those memories in that old shoebox in storage.
How to reconnect and not be awkward or creepy
In the end, we’re only human. We all romanticize the past, men and women alike. And no memories are more potent than those first youthful fumblings. We tend to remember the good parts and forget the bad.
Until the advent of Facebook, though, most of us were compelled to leave the past in the past and move on. But now exes of all stripes - high school sweethearts, college lovers, former hookups - are popping up on Facebook. When two people strike up an online friendship, it’s easy to idealize each other and blur the line between fantasy and reality. An intense sense of intimacy is quickly fostered, particularly if intimacy was once shared in the past.
But when one partner starts sharing himself or herself with another person, it chips away at the foundation of their core relationship - and starts building a foundation for a new relationship.
Don't keep secrets.
Here’s where friendship and attraction cross the line into emotional cheating. Each person stops sharing certain aspects of the friendship with his or her partner, and starts confiding more in the “friend” and less in his or her partner.
In the past few years, I’ve heard from at least three exes who wanted to be my Facebook friend or found my website and e-mailed me out of the blue. And while it's tempting to accept these friend requests, or to fire back a quick “of course I remember you” e-mail, I haven’t done so. That was then; this is now.
And in those rare instances where I have accepted an ex as a Facebook friend, or written back, I’ve informed my wife and let her read every correspondence. Not because she doesn’t trust me, but because we have nothing to hide. Once you have something to hide, that’s where the trouble begins. So if an old flame is on your case, just say, “I’m in a relationship now. I wish you all the best.”
With Facebook friends like these, who needs enemies?
The instant gratification of Facebook and other social networks stimulates reward centers in the brain - and it's easy to find oneself craving the quick hit of a connection or lamenting its absence. Even without the senses driving attraction, the mind goes into overdrive and imagines that this is the perfect person and the perfect relationship.
Soon, a person may feel like an online friend “knows” him or her better than a partner does. People may feel freer to explore other parts of themselves, while real life (and a real relationship) feels stifling. This artificial sense of intimacy can begin to consume a person’s thoughts, which becomes all the more exciting because it’s a secret. Most people don’t set out to have “e-motional” affairs, and that’s one of the dangers of social networks like Facebook.
It often just happens, usually as a friendly relationship snowballs into something more meaningful. A common myth is that only people in unhappy relationships have emotional affairs. In fact, many men and women who commit emotional infidelity report that they were happy when they became involved with their affair partners. Rather than seeking out love (or sex), unfaithful partners gradually blur the boundaries between friendship and intimacy over an extended period of time.
Facebook friends: More powerful than Internet porn .
As a sex therapist, I tend to hear a lot about people’s sexual habits, both when they’re with their partner and when they’re on their own. Now, it's no secret that when men self-pleasure they often choose Internet pornography over their own erotic imagination. Think of it as the lazy man's way; the difference between reading and watching TV.
However, men who are Facebooking with their exes and falling in love all over again often skip the computer and go back to those potent formative memories to get themselves off. That’s how strong the past is - even stronger than Internet porn!
An online affair is fueled by feelings of attraction between two people. You start to idealize the other person and fantasize about what sex would be like. This only adds fuel to the fire. Just like primary relationships, affairs that start out slowly and build a connection before progressing to sex are often the most difficult to break off - and the most damaging to the other relationship.
There's no shame in disconnecting your Facebook account.
Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you find you’re thinking more and more about the past, and getting to the point where you’re fantasizing about what it would be like to be with that person again, it’s time to unplug your computer, and get back to “face-timing” with your partner instead of Facebooking with the past. There's no shame in removing the one variable causing all the problems.
Look, in the end we’re all living, breathing sexual beings. Attraction doesn’t end once we’re in a relationship. Even the most happily coupled people are going to feel the familiar buzz of attraction when someone catches their eye or laughs at one of their jokes.
However, while feeling attraction is unavoidable, acting on it crosses the line. Attraction is one ingredient of an emotional affair. In order for attraction to launch into an emotional affair, a person has to also develop intimacy and, eventually, a feeling of connection with that person that supersedes their current relationship. In other words, attraction + effort + intimacy = emotional infidelity. Take away one, and all you’re left with is a natural instinct or a harmless Facebook friendship. Put all three together, and with friends like that... your relationship has a new enemy.
About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
The following time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I imply, I do know it was my option to learn, but I truly thought youd have something attention-grabbing to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you can repair if you werent too busy searching for attention.
Attractive section of content. I just stumbled upon your web site and in accession capital to assert that I acquire actually enjoyed account your blog posts. Any way I will be subscribing to your feeds and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.
This is something New !
cost of sildenafil online cheap viagra generic 100mg cheap viagra online without prescription http://canadianpharmacy-yy.com/Fitness/how-to-get-a-six-pack.html – viagra india online purchase ’
use cialis promise coupon orlando fl cialis generic pharmacy online cialis overnight online https://impotencecdny.com/ – blood pressure ’
I've recently started a blog, the information you offer on this site has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work.
I think this internet site has got some very superb info for everyone. "Anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor." by Francis Bacon.
Thank you so much for providing individuals with such a superb opportunity to read from this site. It is often so sweet and as well , full of a good time for me personally and my office colleagues to visit your site minimum three times in 7 days to study the new things you will have. And indeed, I am just usually satisfied with the remarkable techniques served by you. Some 1 facts in this post are unequivocally the finest I've had.
I was very pleased to find this web-site.I wanted to thanks for your time for this wonderful read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you blog post.
Get Our Passive Income System – Step 1: Get our ready made niche websites, Step 2: Run our Premium Unlimited Traffic Step 3: Setup your Paypal account. Then just sit back and relax while you watch your paypal account receiving payments during the whole day 100 in auto pilot. More info: https://www.k3reviews.com/2020/08/16/monster-mode-700k/
Excellent read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing some research on that. And he just bought me lunch because I found it for him smile So let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!
I like what you guys are up also. Such intelligent work and reporting! Carry on the excellent works guys I've incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it'll improve the value of my web site :).
Im thankful for the article post.Really thank you! Want more.
It¦s actually a cool and useful piece of info. I¦m happy that you shared this useful information with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.
viagra vs viagra side effects Glucophage buy viagra with dapoxetine http://erectilejyzd.com/ – Florinef ’
is super active cialis a scam cialis great price back pain from cialis https://impotencecdny.com/info/history.php – cialis black 800 to buy in the uk one pill ’
viagra overnight deleivery viagra free canada discount viagra from india http://erectilejyzd.com/index.php?called=terms – do genric viagra work ’
This is the suitable weblog for anyone who desires to search out out about this topic. You realize a lot its nearly exhausting to argue with you (not that I truly would want…HaHa). You positively put a brand new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just nice!
Great post. I am facing a couple of these problems.
This is a very interesting article. Please, share more like this!
This is a very interesting article. Please, share more like this!
Get Our Passive Income System – Step 1: Get our ready made niche websites, Step 2: Setup your Paypal account. Step 3: Run our Unlimited Traffic System from 850 sources of traffic (Approximately 35000 views a day guaranteed). Then just wait and earn your income 100 on autopilot. More info: https://www.k3reviews.com/2020/08/16/monster-mode-700k/
Great web site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to a few friends ans also sharing in delicious. And naturally, thanks for your effort!
Ampicillin prescription without a doctor's prescription canadian pharmacy generic viagra https://canadianpharmacy-yy.com/ – Atarax ’
My name is Julian Marcus I'm from United Kingdom...I just found out about my husband cheating on me with a co-worker! We’ve been married for two years now with 2kids with lots of amazing moments together, i wanted to leave, but i love him so much. we are both still young and very attractive. but i want my husband, my friend, and the father of my beautiful children. how do i get past the thought of another woman having my husband? Not my fiancé, not my boyfriend, but my husband! i still love him even though he thinks i want to leave i really want him to do better and stop me before i walk out! my husband told me that he doesn’t feel loved anymore, just because of this co-worker he has be cheating on me with, that he wants a divorce, i was devastated, heart broken i begged him to listen to me that we can work it out like we always do, but he didn’t listen, he told me that he met someone that loves and understands him, i begged him to consider our kids but he didn't listen. he left and i was frustrated, i began searching for help and answers, then i heard about a man that can Cast a spell to remind him of all the things we have been through together and bring him back to me, at first I was scared then i decided to give it a try, and like magic my husband came back, apologize and begging for forgiveness, thanks to priestbacasim, I’m posting this to help people with similar issues. You can contact him via his email firstname.lastname@example.org or WhatsApp +2348144258822 for help too.
You are my inspiration , I possess few blogs and rarely run out from to brand : (.
Attractive component to content. I simply stumbled upon your blog and in accession capital to assert that I acquire actually enjoyed account your weblog posts. Anyway I’ll be subscribing to your augment or even I fulfillment you access consistently fast.
I enjoy the efforts you have put in this, regards for all the great content.
Thanks for helping out, wonderful information.
Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!
Utterly written articles, regards for entropy.
canadian pharmacy viagra generic prescription price comparison northwest pharmacy
whoah this weblog is magnificent i love studying your articles. Keep up the great work! You understand, many persons are searching round for this information, you could help them greatly.
MY BREAKTHROUGH TESTIMONY THAT SAVED MY LIFE AND MARRIAGE Hello everyone i want to testify of how DR ALUYA Herbal mixture cream enlarged my penis size. i never thought i will be happy again in my life because of my small penis situation. I have be struggling with this issue all my life time and i could not find a professional result i wanted, i have went to hospitals, used vaccines, tried several herbs online, penis pumps and all but none rendered me the solution i wanted. I felt like killing myself when my fiance ASHLEY JOE left me after undressing myself in front of her, my size was too embarrassing and shameful imagine a 36 years old man like me having 2.5inches penis size..the world seem to an end to me when she left so one faithful day as i was watching a video on Youtube i saw on the comments of Ryan Peterson testifying of this great herbal healer DR ALUYA helped him enlarge his penis and win lottery lucky number worth $900,000 for him. I was shocked and happy so i quickly emailed him on email@example.com within 30 mins he got back to me and told me all i need to buy and i did so after 4 days i received his herbal medicine, he gave me instructions on how to use it. As i am speaking to you people now after using the cream for just two weeks my penis size is 10.5 inches long and 8.0 girth, I am so happy and grateful for his work in my life thank you so much Dr ALUYA. I also learnt he has cure for LOW SPERM COUNT, PREMATURE EJACULATION, ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION, HIV/AIDS VIRUS, DIABETES 1/2, HERPES DISEASE, CANCER, and lots more you can email him on firstname.lastname@example.org. Call/whatsapp him directly on +2348137317157 Thanks.
Very interesting points you have observed, regards for putting up. "Brass bands are all very well in their place – outdoors and several miles away." by Sir Thomas Beecham.
Hello my family member! I wish to say that this article is amazing, great written and include approximately all vital infos. I'd like to see extra posts like this.
Earn 500 a Day With Our Passive Income System Doing These 3 Steps – Step 1: Get our ready made niche websites, Step 2: Setup your Paypal account. Step 3: Run our Unlimited Traffic System from our Free 850 sources of traffic (Approximately 35000 views a day guaranteed). Then in few hours you will start receiving payments without do nothing!
Earn 500 a Day With Our Passive Income System Doing These 3 Steps: Step 1: Get our ready made niche websites, Step 2: Setup your Paypal account. Step 3: Run our Unlimited Traffic System from our Free 850 sources of traffic and start earning your income in same day.
viagra online store forum viagra online overnight delivery viagra gel sachets in australia
i want to try viagra viagra proforce 365 pills mobi catalog viagra
Wow! Thank you! I permanently needed to write on my blog something like that. Can I include a portion of your post to my site?
Very interesting info !Perfect just what I was searching for!
What’s Happening i'm new to this, I stumbled upon this I've discovered It positively useful and it has aided me out loads. I am hoping to give a contribution & help other customers like its aided me. Good job.
Earn $200/Day With Our Elite Passive Income System – Best Autopilot income system 2021
Earn 4000 a Month With Our Passive Income System – Best Autopilot income system 2021
prescription drugs from canada viagra prizer pharmacy online drugstore
I like this site so much, saved to my bookmarks. "I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true." by Dorothy Parker.
pink viagra cheap viagra online generic viagra
pharmacy northwest canada motion sickness online pharmacies no prescription
pharmacies in canada hair loss buy prescription drugs online