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Does female sexuality need to be fixed?
February 3rd, 2011
09:51 AM ET

Does female sexuality need to be fixed?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

At Good in Bed, many of our experts are buzzing about a new documentary called "Orgasm, Inc." Directed by Liz Canner, the film chronicles the race by pharmaceutical companies to get FDA approval on “pink Viagra”—a pill to help treat female sexual dysfunction, or FSD.

The problem with this approach? As the film demonstrates, there’s no clear definition of FSD, which makes it difficult to determine whether it’s a problem that needs “treatment” or simply an example of the differences between male and female sexuality. The truth is that no one really knows what FSD is: Some people liken it to male sexual dysfunction, but there are major flaws with this comparison. It’s easy to tell when a man has premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Female sexuality is less obvious. Women just don’t show clear-cut physical signals when they’re aroused.

Another reason that FSD is tough to define is because we tend to label men who don’t climax during sex as “dysfunctional.” Yet an estimated 75 percent of women never orgasm from penetrative sex alone—suggesting that this is normal, not problematic. So maybe we shouldn’t be focusing on “fixing” female sexuality, but changing the ways we have sex so that women more consistently orgasm. Even researchers can’t agree: In 2000, the Journal of Urology offered a few definitions on FSD, including:

• Lack of interest in sexual activity
• “Phobic avoidance” of sexual contact with a partner
• Inability to attain or maintain sexual excitement
• Difficulty attaining orgasm
• Genital pain or pain during intercourse

More than a decade later, there’s still no consensus on which, if any, of these definitions is accurate. And experts aren’t the only ones who are confused: Although studies suggest that the drug flibanserin could be the new “female Viagra,” the FDA recently declined to approve its use for FSD. In one 2010 study from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, researchers found that women with low sexual desire who took the medication for 6 months had an 18 percent improvement in their libido. But the FDA rejected flibanserin just a month later, saying it failed to completely prove efficacy in treating FSD.

Some critics say we shouldn’t be “medicalizing” sex at all and don’t need a pill to treat a condition that may be “all in her head.” After all, lots of women often simply aren’t in the mood for sex, or are distracted by life’s stresses, or just need to start using lubricant. That doesn’t mean they’re dysfunctional. In fact, it may just mean they’re normal: To that end, sex researcher Rosemarie Basson has proposed a new framework for thinking about female sexual response, one that places the importance of emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction at its center. Basson’s framework contends that female sexual arousal is more complex than a male’s and depends more intensely on factors such as relationship satisfaction, self-esteem, and previous sexual experiences.

To me, the issue of FSD isn’t black and white. Sure, FSD isn’t as physically obvious as male sexual problems: Viagra works by increasing blood flow to the penis, giving a man an erection, while flibanserin appears to affect the neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) in a woman’s brain that influence desire. But that doesn’t mean that FSD doesn’t have a physiological component. Side effects of medications (including some antidepressants, blood pressure drugs, and birth-control pills), shifting levels of hormones, stress and anxiety, obesity, and conditions including diabetes and multiple sclerosis can all lower a woman’s desire. So FSD—if it indeed exists—isn’t simply perception, just as it’s not solely physical. My guess is that’s a combination of brain and body—although whether a drug can effectively treat FSD remains unseen. Emily Nagoski, the author of The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, says, “There’s no such thing as a sexual dysfunction that’s 'all in your head.' Neither is there a sexual dysfunction that’s 'all in your vagina.' There is only the embodied mind. Thus education and behavioral training change physiology.”

Ladies: 5 ways to feel sexy again

In the meantime, there’s no reason why women who want to want sex should suffer with low desire. Prescription testosterone cream may help boost desire women who have low levels of this important sex hormone, as can devices such as the Eros device, which uses a gentle vaccuum pump to stimulate blood flow to the genitals. And don’t discount all the “natural” ways that both women and men can increase sexual desire, from trying new things between the sheets to increasing intimacy outside the bedroom.


soundoff (534 Responses)
  1. JPod & YES I'm a GIRL!

    First off, being a woman, I DO NOT AGREE WITH YOU! Do you even know what you like when you are in bed? Esp with a new partner? The 1st time is about exploring & getting to know each other & you dont always need words as you can hear it when you or your partner is enjoying something. And yes, you or your partner will make a move you dont like but that is part of "feeling" each other out. And I'm sorry for the men you have been with who you obviously didnt communicate with but I've told my partners what I like and dont like, what I'd like to try but too scared or kinda iffy on, etc. How else is the guy (or girl) suppose to know what feels good if you dont tell them? You dont need to be clinical in bed while letting them know but at least open your mouth & let them know. Or before enganging your partner in the bedroom, be open & honest first so you get all that out of the way. My last partner was all for making sure I, the girl, got off before he did as some women need a bit more then a wam bam thank you ma'm. So you see, it is not always "all about them." I personally like foreplay & what it entails: the exploring, the taste, feel, smell, etc... all zones to hit home and make the expierence that much more enjoyable. Sorry you YOU ARE WRONG in your thinking or at least in your taste of men!

    February 3, 2011 at 14:49 | Report abuse | Reply
    • brt

      that's so true. So many women are just timid and afraid, so instead of realizing they need to actually communicate (when do you ever not need to do so) they assume that men have been to orgasm school and all women get off the same as they do. The bottom line is that so many women don't know their bodies but are embarrassed to admit it because they think it makes them less of a woman...On the bright side, that's the same ridiculous logic that a lot of men use to reinforce the masculinity that they don't have, so at least they share something in common.

      February 3, 2011 at 17:06 | Report abuse |
  2. jay

    haha I love how people generalize. My wife is terrible. IT wasnt always like this, right after we had kids... I had a lot of satisfied partners before meeting her. I cant please her if she doesnt even let me handle the goods. Something has to be done because, it's been way too long and I dont know how much longer I can go on "Understanding".

    February 3, 2011 at 14:49 | Report abuse | Reply
    • EmeraldCity

      Here's one thought. During the day, when the kids aren't around, tell her you need help with something. Then sit her down and blindfold her. If she tries to fuss or gets annoyed tell her to be quiet. Then, when it's on, take your forefinger and run it down the side of her face and then across her lips.

      Take the thing off and leave the house – tell her you're going to go do errands or something.

      February 3, 2011 at 14:54 | Report abuse |
    • JJ

      Reply to Emerald city: Amazing idea, sir. Thank you for sharing that with the rest of us and 'them' 🙂 Its the most insightful tip I read on here. BRAVO!

      February 3, 2011 at 17:17 | Report abuse |
    • MoodyMoody

      It sounds like she's tired and stressed out from dealing with the kids and the house. You don't say if she also has a paid job. That might make things worse. Are you pulling your weight in housework? Try to make some time for her to unwind; it will lessen both her stress and any resentment she may have against you. Or try giving her a massage WITHOUT pressuring for what you want. That might help too.

      February 3, 2011 at 19:34 | Report abuse |
    • AnonGirl30

      I agree with massage idea. Try giving her a massage without expecting anything in return, for a few nights. A foot massage while you're watching TV together. Tell her she's beautiful. Don't push anything. I bet she'll be the one who reaches for you in no time.

      February 4, 2011 at 03:18 | Report abuse |
  3. Revrant

    A wild lesbian feminist comment appeared!

    February 3, 2011 at 14:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Lindsey

    @Jane & @vellocet

    Wow, really? Because my Husband knows EXACTLY how to please me, but there are still times where I simply do not stay aroused, and in some cases do not GET aroused. Doctor finally figured out I was suffering from PCOS and hopes the metformin she has me on to correct my anovulation will also help correct my other hormones and help resolve that issue.

    So, really? ALL MEN don't know how to please?

    It's women like you that use to ruin it for women like me, making men believe all women are b-words and expect them to read their minds. Here's a clue: find a real man, fall in love, get married, and be happy instead of spewing off your venom and screwing up the information men are getting, ok? The BETTER-INFORMED people are, the better off for EVERYONE.

    Men, don't listen to those crazies. As usual, take the time to ask. Make sure you get your wife involved, too. Listen to her. She might be shy about it, but that's fine because if you find a spot, trust me, there will be noise. Or, better yet, have her guide you. Women... GUIDE THE MEN. Men and women work differently with arousal, and each individual is different. It's a matter of LOVING the person you're with and taking the time to prove it.

    Other than that, this is a real issue for many people. Often times, it's because of an underlying illness, but it's still real. It's not anyone's fault, either. People finger-pointing and blaming need to knock it off.

    February 3, 2011 at 14:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Lola

      A-MEN~ thank you sister!!!!

      February 3, 2011 at 15:04 | Report abuse |
    • Michael

      Thank you Lindsey and thanks as well to EmeraldCity. The doctor who wrote the article is very good. I have read his books and all he said is there is a need, there was a pill and it didn't work well because the causes of FSD are complex. No drama, no BLAME, no name calling. The first comment on here got the whole discussion going sideways and it should be a discussion of the complexities of timing between men and woman and not a flame-fest trying to blame each other. To the men here, ignore comments like the one Jane posted. Instead post your own intelligent observations and suggestions. To the woman on here, please stop reinforcing negative stereotypes, we men are all different.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:47 | Report abuse |
  5. Alpha

    I think you need to be a little less sweeping. Any comment that begins "men can't.." and is set in contrast to women, is overbroad and untrue. Women are having orgasms outside of lesbian relationships. I'm sorry you are not one of them.

    February 3, 2011 at 14:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. tlm1020

    I think part of it is that women need to be accepting of their bodies and how they work.

    February 3, 2011 at 14:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Prasad

    meditate

    February 3, 2011 at 14:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. manoholic

    i freaking love men, all kinds. that's why i wont get married till the goods start to fade. LOL i love s*x and i want it with allot of men!

    February 3, 2011 at 14:59 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JD

      There is a name for your type of women.

      February 3, 2011 at 21:15 | Report abuse |
    • mel

      @ JD- you know, it's saying things like this that give so many women hang-ups. Way to reinforce the double standard, guy! Enjoying physical pleasure does NOT make a woman any of "those names" How are women supposed to express what they want, to share what makes them feel good, when they worry that all men think of their physical needs in such narrow terms?

      February 4, 2011 at 13:08 | Report abuse |
  9. Squeezebox Babe

    @Meek
    She's faking it if she climaxes in 3 minutes. You're clueless too.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JJ

      Probably not true...

      February 3, 2011 at 17:20 | Report abuse |
  10. OprahRocks

    my wife always has an O after watching Oprah – and it's even better afterwards if i watch it with her.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. Alpha

    I think all women named Jane generalize too much about all men. And they do it all the time.

    Look in the mirror Jane. There's your problem.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Tom

    While Jane may be bitter and all that, I think that she has a valid point. It seems to me, that most of the other men I know, really only care about getting themselves off and really don't think about what it may take to get their partner off. But as many of the men have posted here, most women seem to think that men should just know how to get them off. Men need to spend a lot more time thinking about their partners and women should spend more time talking to their partner and letting them know what they want. Most men are not mind readers(it's pretty hard to read others minds when you are to busying thinking about yourself), and most women seem to think that men should be quite proficient at this. I think that everyone needs to spend more time talking to their partners and building their relationships outside of the bedroom. Men – here is a little tip. When a woman comes to you with some kind of issue or problem, do not try to solve it for them. That is not what they want. They just want you to sympathize with them. As a man I know that this is difficult as we are wired to solve problems, but if, when presented with such a situation, you stop for a minute before answering, you will realize she doesn't want the problem solved. I have been trying to do this more often and our relationship has only gotten better and better. The more open you are with your significant other the better your relationship will be.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. alexa

    As a woman, I understand Jane's point of view. But I feel that the problem is not "men" as I find that most men are very eager, willing, and excited to do whatever it takes to pleasure their girlfriends (maybe I'm finding the right guys, and avoiding the bad ones?). The problem is unrealistic expectations, from women onto themselves and men onto women, that we are the same, when in reality, with exceptions, we can't be held to the same standards and expectations. When we do have unrealistic expectations, it sets us back. Blame Cosmo, Hollywood, and girls who fake it for our future lovers.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. shelby

    The problem is that politically correctness and feminism have overtaken our women that they are taught to believe that they should function and be treated like and expect the same from life in every way as a man does. Women are different period. You can try to twist and contort us to force us to be just like men, but its never going to happen. This all stems from pride, selfishness, coveting and a lack of understanding of how God made us for different purposes.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Tony

    I have never had any problems satisfying my wife or women in general, no matter what age, throughout my life. I am now 51. I can easily please any woman. Simple, I just read what they're body tells me when next to them or listen to what they're saying when it comes to intimacy, their voice, expressions, or how they speak. Every woman has a unique and special quality. Whether it be their voice, shoulders, skin or whatever. Once emphasized and especially complemented, a woman can be pleased easily.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Bugsy

      Way to be, guido.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:24 | Report abuse |
  16. Gr8teful

    I'm easily directed, if I'm told what works. It's no fun if both parties aren't enjoying the time and both don't accomplish what is desired.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Bugsy

    " The truth is that no one really knows what FSD is: " .....AND NOBODY CARES!!!

    February 3, 2011 at 15:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Kevin

    Jane – You're clearly projecting your own experiences onto all men and all women.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Boblob

    Doing the dishes and leaving the toilet seat down= female viagra.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. Cognitor

    The incidence of DSF in women is inversely proportionate to her partner's salary.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. Sums it up...

    A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
    "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

    February 3, 2011 at 15:11 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Clinton

      When we are sad they are glad. When we are deep in sorrow they are joyous. Such a life a woman leads but her trick always succeeds.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:20 | Report abuse |
  22. Chris

    Have you tried communicating your feelings? That might be your problem, lying there like a corpse instead of engaging in the process. Try taking control in bed, the man will love it not having to do all the work for once... and if you can't get off after taking control, that's 100% your own fault.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Jim

    I think men aren't liking women who think everything should be how it is in chic flicks. You want to get swept off you feet in fairytale land and girls who think this is going to happen only make their men miserable.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. Clinton

    Come to me all unsatisfied women. I will take you to the seventh heaven

    February 3, 2011 at 15:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. SCH

    Reposting after going thru and trying to edit any "banned" words

    I think something many are missing here is that alot of women have no problem orgasming... they just don't have much of a libido or desire. With many couples I know, the guy gets frustrated after a few years because he claims the girl is just "never interested anymore." They used to do it constantly, now she's never in the mood. It has nothing to do with her being able to orgasm, or whether he is attentive to her needs.

    The simple fact of the matter is that nature and our hormones make this a common issue. Women experience desire in the first several months of a relationship, and then the desire tapers. Why? Because in "nature," after several months a female would probably already be pregnant, and starting to focus on things other than getting laid. Males however, can continuously impregnate and pass on genes, therefore their libido just keeps going. If after a year or so the female is not yet pregnant, in nature it could be due to sterility of the male or female, and therefore it's not biologically important for the female to keep feeling massive desire towards the male, no matter how nice and attentive he is.

    Of course, we are not wild animals or anything, and alot of other factors play in. For women, stress and workload plays a huge part in s3xual desire. When a woman is tired or unhappy, the last thing she thinks about is s3x. For men it's the opposite – when they are stressed, they want to have it to relieve that stress.

    My point – some women are just fine with their partners performance, and have no prob with orgasms. They (and their partners) just wish they FELT like doing it once in a while. The article mentions testosterone supplements, but I would assume there are alot of side effects there.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. woowooo

    If any of you ladies talking in here aren't working up an orgasm I would be more than willing to assist you with your issues.
    In my neck of the woods orgasms are guaranteed !

    February 3, 2011 at 15:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. RG

    Geez, my wife has all 5 symptoms. i must be a real charmer.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. (Mostly) Stable Woman

    Wow, esok. You sound like you have tremendous issues with women. You should look into getting help for that...

    February 3, 2011 at 15:21 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. Jimbo

    So basically if men want to stay happy they should stay single and have younger partners, becuase the older women aren't going to put out becuase they've lost interest?

    February 3, 2011 at 15:22 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SCH

      Not exactly. If men want to be happy in a long-term relationship, they have to make things as easy as possible for women to get in the mood. I.e. Don't add to her stress levels, don't try to get it on when she just came home from work and is exhausted. And sometimes, it just means the guy will have to be the initiator, as many women will enjoy s3x, but not necessarily seek it out. If what makes a certain guy happy is getting laid constantly by new gals, then yeah, stay single. But if a guy is in love and wants to stay in love, he's got to understand what does and doesn't help a woman get in the mood. And he just has to accept that she won't necessarily 'feel' like it as much as he does. And by the way, it has nothing to do with age, as the women I am referring to as my peers are all in their 20's. It's not age, so much as being a long-term relationship. Long-term relationships very often get to the point where the woman just has her mind on a million other things. Rather than thinking about having s3x, she's busy thinking of her job, the housework that needs to be done, how tired she is, etc. S3x just starts to seem like another chore is all. Of course, when she's actually HAVING s3x, she enjoys it. She even knows that.... but for some reason (probably hormonal) she just doesn't get the URGE to do it. So lighten her load, get her feeling comfortable and happy, and then she'll be much more wanting and willing to do it.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:42 | Report abuse |
    • Bugsy

      @SCH,

      Hummm... naw, I'll just go for young and eager.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:29 | Report abuse |
  30. Steve

    I've always gone by "I'm not finished until she is" and it has worked out just fine.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Freeman

    Communicate..Communicate...Communicate.
    Talk, Touch, Feel, Find.
    Slowly, Softly..Warmly

    February 3, 2011 at 15:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. Robb

    pink viagra already exists- its called a ferrari

    February 3, 2011 at 15:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • C Men

      I was thinking more along the lines of, and it's green – Money.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:04 | Report abuse |
  33. iduna

    get over yourselves. Now go make me a sandwich and fetch me a beer.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:32 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. roginator

    I'm not aware of any women that have problems orgasming.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. OMG

    Thank you to all of the fellows who have posted comments here. It is wonderful to see you all confirm some of the things that make me grateful to be a lesbian. Women are inundated with magazines like Cosmo that inform us as to how we can please our man, and sadly, many women lap it up hoping that it will bring more emotional intimacy into a relationship. Most men would love for there women to be more oral, yet many guys don't think that returning the favor is important. And I mean doing this without complaining about it, and this includes not giving us that look that says "I don't really want to be here, am I done yet?" Men don't seem as willing as women to go out and buy books that help detail the mechanics. As a result of all of this, it is shockingly easy to get a woman to change teams. So thank you soooo much you guys.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jimbo

      So it IS a choice! haha!

      February 3, 2011 at 15:37 | Report abuse |
    • 32nd Degree

      Please don't try to blame other people because you are a lesbian. You are a lesbian because that is what YOU want to be. It seems to be you are in denial about why you are the way you are and maybe you should spend more time soul searching and less time posting silly excuses for you choices on these forums.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:38 | Report abuse |
    • EmeraldCity

      @OMG – "Men don't seem as willing as women to go out and buy books that help detail the mechanics. As a result of all of this, it is shockingly easy to get a woman to change teams."

      Hm. No – not for me. I think it's great that you and your girlfriend make each other happy. And see no problem with it. I'm straight though and need male flesh. Women don't do it for me.

      Also, btw, I don't like oral. And I've been with men that liked or loved doing it. I like giving it but I don't like receiving it. I'd just rather get rammed. And women don't have the *natural* tools to do that. What then?

      February 3, 2011 at 15:55 | Report abuse |
    • James

      I've always liked giving oral about as much as receiving, in fact I've only ever been with one woman who really knew how to do it right and finally I got why some guys like it so much. A few others thought it was gross so I didn't push the issue. The key to getting a guy to go down there is to make sure it's clean. Just a simple fact of nature given the dual purpose of that region that it's not always gonna smell like roses. I wouldn't want a woman to go down there on me until after a shower either. Also if it's something you're into, then say so. We are not gonna read your mind, it just doesn't work like that.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:25 | Report abuse |
    • Bugsy

      Hey OMG ... I think you are a confused lesbian. The thread is about a woman (Jane) complaining shrilly about men not pleasing HER. Lose the Cosmo BS sweety, and make me a sammich!

      February 3, 2011 at 16:36 | Report abuse |
    • tim

      chances are you changed teams cuz you have no game.......or have some other hang up about yourself putting out a crappy vibe leaving you alone on Saturday night so you blame men for it and turn into a lezbo

      Have fun in that little community

      February 3, 2011 at 16:50 | Report abuse |
  36. clint

    thats just it.... "stuff dreams are made of".... Its a dream... its not real. all those show and movies and books you read are not real. they make women blind and expecting things that aren't true. Most guys aren't like that at all... the producers know basically what women desire, but are not able to get so they make a movie about it to get your hopes up that there are guys out there that are like what you see in movies.
    And men are liking women just as much these days then ever its the women that are changing their view on men cause they want this romantic passionate guy where most guys aren't like that at all. so they don't take a chance with some guys (nice guys like myself, who always finish last)

    February 3, 2011 at 15:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. 32nd Degree

    Surprise 1st class trip to Tuscany Region of Italy: $9,850.
    Surprise 1.81 pink diamond engagement ring in Tiffany Legacy Setting: $21,645.
    Watching my wife get into bed in sweat pants and curling up in a ball on the opposite side: Priceless.
    Mistress (including dinner and hotel room): $450.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:36 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Lee

      That's what buying a pink diamond gets you dude.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:09 | Report abuse |
  38. Parker

    You are correct, men just aren't liking women much these days. And that is because women think it is all about them, as you correctly state in so many words. Guess what? It isn't all about you – surprise! The narcissism that permeates through women in the USA is nauseating. Having lived abroad and experienced several other cultures, women from the USA have a lot to learn about being a woman. And the lessons aren't in Cosmo, or any of the other magazines you look at while in the check-out line.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. None really

    "Men need to spend a lot more time thinking about their partners "

    We do...that's the reason why women have it easy and don't have a clue themselves on what foreplay to a man is. We think of women every minute of the day so all a women has to do is get naked and we're good to go.

    Maybe a little help from a pill will allow women to see what it is like to not have to 'work' at it and life will be good. Men simply are not wired to think through an entire production to get into the mood. Visualizing a woman naked is good enough for us and a good enough distraction to not think any deeper into it. We're just ready.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Fric

    This article kind of hits home with me. I've been seeing this girl for a littler over a year. She's awesome. Funny, can cook her a$$ off, and I always look forward to seeing her. From the beginning of the relationship, I noticed her "s3xual urges" were not very frequent. Usually, at the beginning of a relationship, you can't keep your hands off each other, but with her, it was easy to tell something was holing her back. Now, when the time did come, WOW!!! She's a beast. And wants more than I can usually hold out for. So, it's either feast of famine.

    As the relationship progressed, I finally mentioned my notice of her "lack of desire." She would come up with excuses like her son, or too tired, or wanted to wait longer to make more special for the next time. It was always something. Now, I would say for my age, I'm one h0rny guy. And I also respect the fact that women, in general, do not have the same level of desire as most men. As you could imagine, after a few months, this started to cause problems. I was thinking it was me. I was thinking she was seeing someone else. I was desperate for answers. After begging this woman to finally talk to me and to be honest with me, she finally broke clean. Bottom line, she said she just doesn't get h0rny. She said she had always been like that.

    Imagine my dismay. I find this wonderful woman that I am thinking about spending the rest of my life with, and she doesn't like s3x. Sigh.....I do love her and she proclaims her love for me. For me, that was enough. She began therapy in a attempt to find the problem. I was also asked to join a few sessions and I gladly obliged. Although are getting better, we are still going to therapy and she reconizes there is room for improvement. I think she's worth tuffing this thing out. We are buying a house now and considering, we are very happy. Be her problem physical or psychological, I hope to soon determine what it is so it can be dealt with accordingly. I love her very much and we have some catching up to do. 🙂

    February 3, 2011 at 15:45 | Report abuse | Reply
    • EmeraldCity

      That's sweet. Hope it works out for both of you.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:00 | Report abuse |
    • heather

      Fric, you are a one in a million man. I wish you many happy, and horney years with your woman. You deserve it!

      February 3, 2011 at 17:51 | Report abuse |
    • Foxy

      TMI, dude, TMI.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:10 | Report abuse |
    • spikette

      good luck to you. when it is good, it is really good. all around. hope this part of the whole gets worked out.

      February 26, 2011 at 09:09 | Report abuse |
  41. Bubba

    how about environmental toxins – endocrine disruptors – xenobiotics ... all disrupting libido ... along with the stress of needing to keep consuming stuff. Clean up your diet, destress, sleep, exercise, communicate, and balance your life. Then ... libidos will rise.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:46 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SCH

      Sounds nice Bubba... but it's not like most of us can actually 'get away' from life. Trying to destress sounds great, I would love for that to happen even if it Didn't affect my libido! I eat well and exercise, but I work more than full time at a crappy job, am very busy with housework, etc. S3x is great and feels good, but I'd much prefer a nap or a massage to destress. Much more relaxing!

      February 3, 2011 at 16:11 | Report abuse |
  42. Joy

    What everyone (nearly everyone) is saying is valid.
    Women want to have more fun, and men want to be there when it happens. what is letting us all down is some of the messages that we are getting from our culture.
    I would recommend a book called "the $ex we want". it's written by two doctor-sisters who are married (to men) and they are after the same thing that we are all after.
    my own opinion: the idea that women need to have emotional things to get an orgasm is a bunch of baloney. women can have orgasms as easily as men, if the right things are done. we're all the same!

    February 3, 2011 at 15:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. pauld

    While some of what Jane says may be true, as with other posters, she, along with the whole female gender, in my view, needs to take a look at themselves. They are carrying forward a glaring double-standard. They seem to want all the benefits of the modern age–career, self-sufficiency, kids, etc. along with a type of romance that belonged to and was a product of a different age. This appears to be one of the costs of the "equality" drive that has so deceived women. The differences between men and women are real and biologically patently obvious. The attempt to eradicate these differences has had some very negative consequences. Men have been made to feel insecure, and the consequence to women, in my opinion, is confusion. While now having as much equality, and for a lot of women, equal power, they nevertheless want the "traditional "qualities of the man, particularly when nature takes hold, such as in child-rearing, etc. Biologically, women are more adept at non-verbal interactions, and, apparently, expect the men to pick up on this innate superiority. Yet, can you blame men, who by and large, don't operate on as intuitive a level, when they don't read these clues? If this causes anger and disappointment in women, they need to consider their role in this. This is one of the by-products of the drive for equality–responsibility has to be shared. It seems to me that this new-found equality is causing as much unhappiness as it is "liberation".

    February 3, 2011 at 15:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Michael

      So well said, thank you pauld !

      February 3, 2011 at 18:27 | Report abuse |
  44. Bob

    @Andrea: I am sure I love you. Is there any way we can get together?

    February 3, 2011 at 15:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. coco

    Most men aren't men anymore, they don't know how to treat a woman and women are turned off.
    Some men look more like women than women do........turnoff!

    February 3, 2011 at 15:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. pkw

    My guy is so amazing in the bedroom. I don't have one complaint. It does take some time to get use to each other and what turns you on. Not everyone is the same...we all know that. So, it takes some time. Give it some time. You may have an amazing experience.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. anishinabe

    just relax and enjoy, have fun. Where did all the rules come from???

    February 3, 2011 at 15:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Drew

    Two in the number one hole, one in the number two hole.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Rompiglio

    Bonehead, orgasm is a noun, not a verb! sheeesh...

    February 3, 2011 at 15:58 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. Thatguy371

    If more of us guys make love with their lady, instead of making love to them... this female orgasm situation would easily take care of itself straight away. There are absolutes in a relationship, and probably the most important would be communicating. And by communicating, I mean listening and absorbing all that she says, in the manner in which she says and means it. And a good strong woman who communicates exactly what she wants, goes a long way in both partners having a fulfilling relationship together.

    February 3, 2011 at 15:59 | Report abuse | Reply
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