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February 3rd, 2011
09:51 AM ET
Does female sexuality need to be fixed?Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
The problem with this approach? As the film demonstrates, there’s no clear definition of FSD, which makes it difficult to determine whether it’s a problem that needs “treatment” or simply an example of the differences between male and female sexuality. The truth is that no one really knows what FSD is: Some people liken it to male sexual dysfunction, but there are major flaws with this comparison. It’s easy to tell when a man has premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Female sexuality is less obvious. Women just don’t show clear-cut physical signals when they’re aroused. Another reason that FSD is tough to define is because we tend to label men who don’t climax during sex as “dysfunctional.” Yet an estimated 75 percent of women never orgasm from penetrative sex alone—suggesting that this is normal, not problematic. So maybe we shouldn’t be focusing on “fixing” female sexuality, but changing the ways we have sex so that women more consistently orgasm. Even researchers can’t agree: In 2000, the Journal of Urology offered a few definitions on FSD, including: • Lack of interest in sexual activity More than a decade later, there’s still no consensus on which, if any, of these definitions is accurate. And experts aren’t the only ones who are confused: Although studies suggest that the drug flibanserin could be the new “female Viagra,” the FDA recently declined to approve its use for FSD. In one 2010 study from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, researchers found that women with low sexual desire who took the medication for 6 months had an 18 percent improvement in their libido. But the FDA rejected flibanserin just a month later, saying it failed to completely prove efficacy in treating FSD. Some critics say we shouldn’t be “medicalizing” sex at all and don’t need a pill to treat a condition that may be “all in her head.” After all, lots of women often simply aren’t in the mood for sex, or are distracted by life’s stresses, or just need to start using lubricant. That doesn’t mean they’re dysfunctional. In fact, it may just mean they’re normal: To that end, sex researcher Rosemarie Basson has proposed a new framework for thinking about female sexual response, one that places the importance of emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction at its center. Basson’s framework contends that female sexual arousal is more complex than a male’s and depends more intensely on factors such as relationship satisfaction, self-esteem, and previous sexual experiences. To me, the issue of FSD isn’t black and white. Sure, FSD isn’t as physically obvious as male sexual problems: Viagra works by increasing blood flow to the penis, giving a man an erection, while flibanserin appears to affect the neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) in a woman’s brain that influence desire. But that doesn’t mean that FSD doesn’t have a physiological component. Side effects of medications (including some antidepressants, blood pressure drugs, and birth-control pills), shifting levels of hormones, stress and anxiety, obesity, and conditions including diabetes and multiple sclerosis can all lower a woman’s desire. So FSD—if it indeed exists—isn’t simply perception, just as it’s not solely physical. My guess is that’s a combination of brain and body—although whether a drug can effectively treat FSD remains unseen. Emily Nagoski, the author of The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, says, “There’s no such thing as a sexual dysfunction that’s 'all in your head.' Neither is there a sexual dysfunction that’s 'all in your vagina.' There is only the embodied mind. Thus education and behavioral training change physiology.” Ladies: 5 ways to feel sexy again In the meantime, there’s no reason why women who want to want sex should suffer with low desire. Prescription testosterone cream may help boost desire women who have low levels of this important sex hormone, as can devices such as the Eros device, which uses a gentle vaccuum pump to stimulate blood flow to the genitals. And don’t discount all the “natural” ways that both women and men can increase sexual desire, from trying new things between the sheets to increasing intimacy outside the bedroom.
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At Good in Bed, many of our experts are buzzing about a new documentary called "
A woman is just like an oven. You have to turn on the heat before you stick in the meat!!
well...I for one (as I am not most men...) think that you should enlighten us so we DO KNOW....then, see if we can practice the artform/new skill learned (preferably on you...) and then YOU can decide (we will leave this up to you) if we are still don't know it/don't care etc...
I am currently going through a divorce. I can honestly say that intimacy was one of, if not the largest, reason for the divorce. I read this article and said, "Holy cow, that's my wife." I will say that I do take full responsibility for my faults in the demise of our marriage, but I wish I could ask her to read this article.
It would sure help if the woman would tell the man what she wants. None of us are mind readers and many times men trying to figure out what a woman wants can be simply a guess at best.
vellocett-
you made the analogy of ball room dancing, in that there are unspoken cues involved... nice, except condsider this question: how much -verbal- training goes into becoming proficient at that type of activity? Trying learning that by only reading the instructors mind.
you are right, we do not care. we used to care, but got sick of asking and never getting a meaningful response. go to sleep frustrated, won't bother us a bit.
I actually had a woman tell me once that it really turned her off to be asked what she liked or if something felt good. Well guess what, our minds and bodies are wired differently than yours and we can't read your mind, so either tell us what works for you or we'll do what feels good to us.
It's the man's fault no matter what the problem is. What BS.
Maybe women, like men, should start practicing when they're 12 years old.
How do you know we didn't?
Re; my earlier post, I have tried asking and numerous times about what turns her on and if what I am doing does. But, when you don't get any answers, then what? It would sure help if the woman would tell the man what she wants. None of us are mind readers and many times men trying to figure out what a woman wants can be simply a guess at best.
As usual, after posting a significant response, the comment that I just posted – and which did not receive a moderator message or anything – has disappeared. Plus, I see that an earlier comment *to a thread* which already exists elsewhere, has been posted twice. Where the h3ll is my comment, CNN?
mine comment disappeared too. Looks like one of the women on staff isn't liking the truth so we are being blocked from commenting.
Iduna – No, it's just that this site is so bad. Posts first follow each other chronologically and then a few hours later they're just thrown any which way. It's the programming.
I have posted twice and neither comment was actually placed on the site.
Oral skills gentlemen! love riding my man's face for an O!
Yes I'm sure you do "Optimus Prime". That totally sounds like a name a chick would choose.
0/10, obvious troll is obvious
Two in the pink, one in the stink!
Most women live in a fantasy world expecting men to read their minds and throw little tests out there for us to see if we are aware of what they want us to do. I personally don't play the games. Can't speak your mind? Outta the way! Period!
True. Some women do live in that fantasy world. Plenty of men live in a different fantasy world: where the women all look like supermodels/'stars', are always ready for action, and are always willing to do things that most normal women find demeaning. (No, I'm not talking about oral, or even anal, but multiple partners, for example.)
Not all of us. I for one am perfectly happy to let my boyfriend play video games when he gets home from work instead of expecting him to sit there doing nothing as I cook dinner. It's also rare that I request (never demand) that he stay home from going to friends houses to get guy time. In exchange he lets me have all the time I want with my friends and doesn't mind my being a giant fashion nerd. It's all about flexibility and indulging each other in our separate tastes. He can blow up his zombies and sometimes I join in, I do my sewing and designing to which he sometimes provides third or fourth hands when I need them.
thats where good communication comes in. don't be shy, show them what you want.
Don't really care "what she wants." It IS all about me.
"I am wondering if men just don't know how to arrouse and excite women anymore???..." ->> When do suppose men forgot Jane?
That's funny and arrogant. It has nothing to do with you the individual, it's the whole other gender that is the problem, not you right. Maybe your standards are too low. To presume that it's men and not you is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. What would you say if a guy was impugning women, because he couldn't get wood. Would you agree and say that women just don't try to get men turned on anymore. Your foolish, and it's evident what kind of man you probably get, idiots like idiots.
lol, love all the guys ripping on Jane's comment and proving her point. Men don't listen. Not all men – just most. One commenter said it best when he said "as long as we're getting some, we just don't care." Truer words ne'er spoken. Bottom line is about 10% of you have what it takes to please a woman – meaning you're willing to listen and learn. The rest of you are lazy and then complain when people call you out on your inability to get a clue.
I agree with you Sarah. See how fast all the MEN jumped all over her? LMAO! Their nasy comments only PROVE what she says to begin with! Hahahaa! Nice job, guys! BRAVO! Oh and guys, most of us women DO NOT watch the Lifetime Channel! We have better things to do with our lives!
Someone is.. otherwise they'd be turned off and something else would come up. And are you saying that your man fails you even though you're mind isn't jacked up?
this is the point, why does it have to be man to listen and see what women want? i am tired of hearing this. why not women listen to what man want. Women are the ones, 90%, that dont have a clue. take care of the men you have and see if the man takes care of you, if not you have the wrong man, 10%.
Luckily my wife climaxes in 3 minutes of the 4 I have to give...
Amen!!
Nicely said Sarah.
When a man inspires my TRUST, I function just fine. That means he doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse, doesn't take two minutes to satisfy himself and assume I should respond as quickly. He shouldn't be self-destructive or mean. Too many men (women too) are untrustworthy. We're not circus animals and we don't perform on cue.
@GetReal
but with all you're demands and requirements, you want HIM to perform like one.
@Bugsy, what about GetReal's requirements involve him "performing like a circus animal"? All she's asking for is a decent male human being.
@moodymoody It was subtle humor...expecting that a guy:
"doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse, doesn't take two minutes to satisfy himself and assume I should respond as quickly. He shouldn't be self-destructive or mean"
Judging by Janes tone, even SHE doesn't know how to get herself off. Brrrrrrr.....
Gotta love all you guys talking about how it's a woman's responsibility to be satisfied. Umm, one of the things most of us need is for the man to last longer than a couple of minutes. Too many men won't/can't. All they care about is themselves. Please enlighten me as to how I can "take responsibility" for the length of time you can last. That's entirely up to you, stud.
On a related note, I'd like to point out that the wives, girlfriends and Mississippi cousins in all those Cialis / Viagra commercials are all reasonably fit and attractive. *Of course* the medication is gonna help those men.
It's called "Hollywood" – it's created obstacles between men and women by playing with the fantasies, not realities. Thus, men and women aren't meeting each others criteria that has been set by an entertainment culture.
I recommend a fantastic book "How to satisfy a woman every time, and have her beg for more" by Naura Hayden.
This book could save the world, practically.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Satisfy-Woman-Every-Time/dp/094210417X
You have to be physically fit, but it is fantastic for in-marriage or marriage-bound relationships.
maybe try a lady instead of playing a blame game
Females need to be much hornier more of the time, just sayin
If what you were giving was quality, the women in your life would want it more often. It's that simple. If men were good in bed, we'd want it as much as you do.
im great in bed, ive never not once not not climaxed.
You and your ilk are the reason decent men can't get enough. Why would any woman risk disease, pregnancy, etc for your 1-minute lovin? Just sayin...
umm i take offense at that. Its at least 4 minutes of loving.
MEn & Women need to use the word sphincter more.
And moist. If you had a moist sphincter life would be good.
I satisfy my wife. So does the postman, the heati fixing guy and the plumber. They say it takes a community.
I notice that the women want men to try harder to figure out what women want. But women don't want to tell men what they want. Therein lies the problem. This is not how women communicate. Women prefer men to 'figure out' what women want! Women do not desire to communicate in a logical, rational way that men prefer. As long as this is the state of affairs, the problem will persist.
If you aren't always learning, trying new things and not giving up until she is satisfied, you're lazy and doing it wrong. I am sure there are women with issues that make orgasm impossible, but I've never been with one personally... I have run into plenty of women whose expectations have been damaged by men who are too lazy or insensitive to please anyone but themselves, but that's different and a little communication and effort fixes that.
My motto for myself is "in bed, the more you give, the more you get" and it has served me well all of my adult life. Sadly my buddies are clueless on this and don't want to hear it. So, I just smile when the rest of the guys at the office complain like sd little puppies about never getting any... lol... and they are so confused about why their wives or girlfriends are cold and distant. Maybe I am out of the norm in really enjoying pleasing my partner, but really guys, it's not that hard.
there is a definite difference between loving someone and making love to someone. You can do one without the other.
Writer of this article can you call my wife, romance her... and then I can come in and finish the job. Cmon help a guy out. sheesh.
Kita Kata Koo
Joe in Colorado is a bare faced liar....as if.... great self appraisal.
Try the 'Spocker'- two in the pink- two in the stink. Live long and prosper.
hahaha...
Stop dating losers. That may be difficult for one who generalizes so much.
Sarah,
You missed the pont of why guys take offense at Janes meaasge. There isn't any 'listen and learn' i her scenario. She expects us to read her mind or take 'unspoken cues' . I have an unspoken cue for her >right herethis< Jane?
You getting a b–b job is like getting a new chandalier in a haunted house
I thought if I got some new lights you'd stay in it longer than a minute
-–Sorry grandma, we'd just leave faster.
Jane: if I do all the things my wife asks to get her in the mood: foot massages, gifts, more touchy-feely, more helpful around the house, take tasks off her plate, etc.. and she still has a headache, is too tired, kids have worn her out, etc. whenever I try to initaite anything, what do you recommend?
Send the kids off this weekend. Tell her you want a romantic weekend just the two of you. Tell her no housework, no talk of kids, no TV for the whole weekend for either of you. Make the entire weekend about laying in bed, going out to dinner or making a really romantic dinner together. The important thing is for both of you to set everything aside and re-discover one another. I think it's great you are doing these other things to lighten her load. Keep up with that. Just once in awhile do something totally unexpected that doesn't involve any of your usual daily activities for EITHER of you.
Well said!
I don't buy it, Jane. You're a man online pretending to be a woman. Get a life.
t's amazing that the range concerning what women think is workable with respect to men and s3xuality can be so varied and extreme.
For the most part, every man I've ever lusted after – and if we had a good chemistry – pleased me. When it didn't work anymore for us, it was simply over. But it wasn't because I was looking for a kind of technical proficiency from the get go.
When two people are in the zone, it just works. Half the time that sort of gives a momentary pass to any lack of knowledge on each person's behalf. In my experience, whenever I wanted a man to do something and just told him what and how I wanted, he did it. But then, I'm very good about knowing how to get them off and have read literature about it (besides just experimenting). I found that half the time if they were involved and aroused, I had no problems getting off.
I think that if you have high expectations, though, from the beginning and sit back and expect to be handled a certain way and for men to be mind readers, you are setting yourself up.
BTW – If the chemistry is already there, innovation and experimentation for both parties (the ability to surprise) often = success.
Let's see if this posts. D@mn CNN.
EmeraldCity wins, simply by understanding that we're not mind readers. She's a rare gem.
Emerald City is exactly right. Emerald, you didn't have a problem because you enjoyed who you were with and making them feel good? Emerald is the woman you want men. She knows what's up.
.. but I think the article was mainly referring to long term relationships. The point of those is to not leave when the chemistry runs out. Which is also why long term relationships rarely ever end up being "long term".
Personally, I agree with. No need to not go for it when the chemistry is there and it alwlays is satifying, no problems.
Women say just ask, but then can't give an answer. So what would you have us do, use our awesome man powers of ESP to probe the brain? I think if a clear-cut answer could be given, men would listen.
It's been a while, hasn't it, Jane.
Yes.
Says the woman that probably just lies in bed doing nothing, while her man is on top struggling to do everything for her.
I like to give her about 2-3 big Os during a love making session. But seriously, why do most women have this fantasy that there will be some knight in shining armor to sweep them off their feet? Quit expecting everyone around you to make you happy. Guys that are smart and figure out the con don't get suckered into all the bs and drama.
Men should be romantic, come on.
George – try a little romance, even if it's borderline cheesy
Could we fix their brain first before we start on their $ex drive?
Look, communication is key. If one partner isn't honest then the relationship in the room is always going to have an unsatisfied partner. For my wife and I, we ALWAYS keep making sure if there are changes in the mood and what we prefer. We both keep happy both in and out of the bedroom and it makes us stronger together