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Does female sexuality need to be fixed?
February 3rd, 2011
09:51 AM ET

Does female sexuality need to be fixed?

Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.

At Good in Bed, many of our experts are buzzing about a new documentary called "Orgasm, Inc." Directed by Liz Canner, the film chronicles the race by pharmaceutical companies to get FDA approval on “pink Viagra”—a pill to help treat female sexual dysfunction, or FSD.

The problem with this approach? As the film demonstrates, there’s no clear definition of FSD, which makes it difficult to determine whether it’s a problem that needs “treatment” or simply an example of the differences between male and female sexuality. The truth is that no one really knows what FSD is: Some people liken it to male sexual dysfunction, but there are major flaws with this comparison. It’s easy to tell when a man has premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Female sexuality is less obvious. Women just don’t show clear-cut physical signals when they’re aroused.

Another reason that FSD is tough to define is because we tend to label men who don’t climax during sex as “dysfunctional.” Yet an estimated 75 percent of women never orgasm from penetrative sex alone—suggesting that this is normal, not problematic. So maybe we shouldn’t be focusing on “fixing” female sexuality, but changing the ways we have sex so that women more consistently orgasm. Even researchers can’t agree: In 2000, the Journal of Urology offered a few definitions on FSD, including:

• Lack of interest in sexual activity
• “Phobic avoidance” of sexual contact with a partner
• Inability to attain or maintain sexual excitement
• Difficulty attaining orgasm
• Genital pain or pain during intercourse

More than a decade later, there’s still no consensus on which, if any, of these definitions is accurate. And experts aren’t the only ones who are confused: Although studies suggest that the drug flibanserin could be the new “female Viagra,” the FDA recently declined to approve its use for FSD. In one 2010 study from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, researchers found that women with low sexual desire who took the medication for 6 months had an 18 percent improvement in their libido. But the FDA rejected flibanserin just a month later, saying it failed to completely prove efficacy in treating FSD.

Some critics say we shouldn’t be “medicalizing” sex at all and don’t need a pill to treat a condition that may be “all in her head.” After all, lots of women often simply aren’t in the mood for sex, or are distracted by life’s stresses, or just need to start using lubricant. That doesn’t mean they’re dysfunctional. In fact, it may just mean they’re normal: To that end, sex researcher Rosemarie Basson has proposed a new framework for thinking about female sexual response, one that places the importance of emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction at its center. Basson’s framework contends that female sexual arousal is more complex than a male’s and depends more intensely on factors such as relationship satisfaction, self-esteem, and previous sexual experiences.

To me, the issue of FSD isn’t black and white. Sure, FSD isn’t as physically obvious as male sexual problems: Viagra works by increasing blood flow to the penis, giving a man an erection, while flibanserin appears to affect the neurotransmitters (chemical messengers) in a woman’s brain that influence desire. But that doesn’t mean that FSD doesn’t have a physiological component. Side effects of medications (including some antidepressants, blood pressure drugs, and birth-control pills), shifting levels of hormones, stress and anxiety, obesity, and conditions including diabetes and multiple sclerosis can all lower a woman’s desire. So FSD—if it indeed exists—isn’t simply perception, just as it’s not solely physical. My guess is that’s a combination of brain and body—although whether a drug can effectively treat FSD remains unseen. Emily Nagoski, the author of The Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, says, “There’s no such thing as a sexual dysfunction that’s 'all in your head.' Neither is there a sexual dysfunction that’s 'all in your vagina.' There is only the embodied mind. Thus education and behavioral training change physiology.”

Ladies: 5 ways to feel sexy again

In the meantime, there’s no reason why women who want to want sex should suffer with low desire. Prescription testosterone cream may help boost desire women who have low levels of this important sex hormone, as can devices such as the Eros device, which uses a gentle vaccuum pump to stimulate blood flow to the genitals. And don’t discount all the “natural” ways that both women and men can increase sexual desire, from trying new things between the sheets to increasing intimacy outside the bedroom.


soundoff (534 Responses)
  1. woodie

    I think women who want to have orgasms will find a way. But they aren't asking are they. No. They are waiting for the orgasm fairy. I'm sorry Jane, you can't blame men. You have to step into reality.

    February 3, 2011 at 11:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SlefServed

      That is exactly it, if we want it, we got to go get it ourselves... I have tried to explain many times, which in itself kills it, and it just doesn't work. I gave up, and do it myself!

      February 3, 2011 at 14:09 | Report abuse |
    • Sister

      Well, my sister can get it herself. Her boyfriend can't get it for her though... and she's only been in long term relationships.

      Luckily, I don't share my sister's problem... most of the time.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:19 | Report abuse |
    • dave

      One of my biggest complaints is my wife will only have one and she's done. I want to keep going but she just doesn't want to. Save your, "She's faking it" comments. Makes it a little boring sometimes. I guess i should just be glad I'm getting it a few times a month.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:42 | Report abuse |
    • Justawoman

      Dave,
      Women need down time in between just like men. Its over sensatized afterwards just like men are. Give it a good ten minutes with some fun in between and try again, darlin! If that don't work maybe she has something else on her mind that you need to talk about. Your getting her to orgasm your doing something right!

      February 3, 2011 at 16:43 | Report abuse |
    • Marv Rippe

      What the heck are a couple of you talking about? What, are we speaking in code? This isn't the 18th Century... Sister, are you trying to say she can't have an orgasim unless she's the one giving it to herself?

      February 3, 2011 at 18:11 | Report abuse |
    • jenn

      selfserved: "go to yourselves to get it"....try being with one of your own....a male will never care to have you experience the same number of orgasms as you....

      February 4, 2011 at 01:43 | Report abuse |
    • snashville

      Ignorance! No one seems to understand that most women don't understand how to work on an organism and men are ignorant of what positions provide the best opportunity for same. When will the experts begin to put this on their list????

      February 4, 2011 at 11:32 | Report abuse |
    • Ryan Bush

      Woodie,
      if she doesnt want it, you shouldnt force her. instead, just wait until she does and give it to her good so she does want it the next time

      February 8, 2011 at 13:11 | Report abuse |
  2. Aubrie

    Glad to finally see this in print. I couldn't agree with you more. Men will deny it till the day they die, and defend their ignorance to the death, but facts are facts...... Sad and disappointing, but true.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. tommas

    Perhaps just tell men that instead of hoping we can read your mind.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Lin

    I wish that more people would take this seriously. I used to have such desire that my husband couldn't keep up with me. As I got closer to menopause I started to really have to try to get in the mood. Now after menopause I just don't have it anymore. My husband is great, he does whatever I want and is always there for me...I feel really bad for him as I know that it hurts him when he knows I am not in the mood. I try, I really do but it's gone. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be in nature, but I want my desire back. I loved making love to my husband and I miss all the really great times we had. We have pills for everything else, why not this. We the women should decide what we want and not the FDA...let us at least try new products. If it helps on;y 18%, than that's 18% happier women (and men).

    February 3, 2011 at 12:14 | Report abuse | Reply
    • EmeraldCity

      Lin – Do you exercise? Not saying that it's the remedy for everything but some find that it makes a difference in drive.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:01 | Report abuse |
    • Not Equal

      Lin ~ Thank you! I could have writen this myself!

      February 3, 2011 at 14:29 | Report abuse |
    • J100409

      I don't think rational, on point comments from mature and intelligent people are allowed.The comment sections here are for trolls. Thank you, c men for ensuring that the debate would not be elevated for more than a minute.

      February 3, 2011 at 14:42 | Report abuse |
    • SCH

      DITTO. Didn't even take nearly as long as waiting till menopause for me. There's no probs in the bedroom... I just never feel like going there!

      February 3, 2011 at 14:55 | Report abuse |
    • C Men

      And thank you J1004009 for reporting my perfectly not vulgar/obscene comment. Do me a favor and say this aloud, "I love C Men".

      February 3, 2011 at 15:29 | Report abuse |
    • aariel

      I'm with you there, all the way!

      February 3, 2011 at 15:50 | Report abuse |
    • dave

      It's not like the FDA just willy nilly decides what drugs they're going to approve. If something for FSD got shot down by them it either didn't work or it wasn't safe.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:54 | Report abuse |
    • C Men

      Thanks for the support aariel!

      February 3, 2011 at 15:55 | Report abuse |
    • BobR

      you just need a little testosterone and estrogen. Just a little and it is reasonably safe

      February 3, 2011 at 20:17 | Report abuse |
    • Too Many Hats

      And then there's the body that totally betrays us. We bear children, breast feed and raise them, undergo hormonal changes and imbalances and one day we wake up to find that the body we thought we knew and could always count on has suddenly flown the coop. Nothing works the same anymore, if at all. Nothing feels good anymore and we're never in the mood no matter how much we would like to be. Exercise every day, take our vitamins, try to get some rest, meditate to release stress, eat well, maintain a good social life and, still, the body just doesn't want to do it. Heartbreaking...

      February 3, 2011 at 20:19 | Report abuse |
    • steve

      18% of women satisfied =40% of men

      February 4, 2011 at 19:56 | Report abuse |
    • Joe

      Women are like camels, then can shut if off and go for long periods of time without it. IT really sucks when your the one that wants it your ready and she isn't in the right place mentally or doesn't want or insert reason here.

      February 8, 2011 at 14:15 | Report abuse |
  5. Fuyuko

    Men and women are different. Big surprise here. But there are a lot of things that can affect climax in women. Hormones and birth control can really do a number on us. As women age, there is just less satisfaction than when we are younger. I don't think there is anything broken. But raising awareness on how women climax is the woman's responsibility. Sure it would be great if guys already knew this but sadly no one is perfect.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:16 | Report abuse | Reply
    • mike

      There is some truth to the saying: Men don't want their women to ever change, but they ALWAYS do. Women want their men to change, but they NEVER do.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:40 | Report abuse |
    • mimi_nef

      I disagree 100% Intimacy is better as you get older. I am not sure if it is because we are more experienced or because men are more experienced. It may be because we are more confident in who we are and our bodies... Just not sure. I know that it gets better and better, though.

      There are many reasons women are not in the mood. I know that I could never get in the mood for someone who doesn't help.... Not in the bedroom; most men will usually make an effort in the bedroom. However, a man who won't help do anything OUTSIDE of the bedroom could never turn me on. A man who doesn't feel he needs to help with dinner, groceries, kids, dishes, vacuuming is not a man for whom I could get aroused.

      It is easier for men. They are usually in the mood and rarely turn it down, regardless of what is going on in the rest of their life.

      It is different for women; it is difficult for us to become aroused when there is a sink full of dirty dishes and two baskets of laundry to be folded and put away. Men find it easier to separate those sorts of thoughts from bedroom thoughts. However, we women find it difficult to stop thinking of what needs to be done. Work left to be done, and no help in doing it, doesn't leave a lot of room in our minds for arousal.

      Gentlemen, I'm not saying that doing the dishes will get you laid, but.... It might.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:33 | Report abuse |
  6. Afanoftoyd

    If more women would just go and buy a toy we would find both this conversation and men utterly useless. If you want something in life be it satisfaction or anything else you just have to find a way to get it yourself.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:19 | Report abuse | Reply
    • EricO

      Classic response and men are the greedy ones lol

      February 3, 2011 at 13:26 | Report abuse |
    • SelfServed

      I totally agree... I may want it with him, but it just isn't there... and it's so easy on my own!

      February 3, 2011 at 14:13 | Report abuse |
    • X2

      Thank God you won't reproduce. If only the millions of other damaged people would follow suit.

      February 3, 2011 at 17:56 | Report abuse |
    • mickey

      or, how about women talk to there partners and work it out. i happen to deeply enjoy pleasuring my partners, and enjoy talking about what i should do differantly. comunication is key to sentuality

      February 4, 2011 at 00:34 | Report abuse |
  7. Anthropocentrist

    When women want it the same way men do, FSD will be cured!!! Seriously though, this is an invented malady for selling pills, nothing more.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:24 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Merewyn

      Don't assume that women don't.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:44 | Report abuse |
    • Bugsy

      Hey Merewyn, you free tonight?

      February 3, 2011 at 13:59 | Report abuse |
    • Ruby

      Of course, but look how profitable Viagra has been! If the drug companies could, they would sell you a pill for every insecurity and concern that you have.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:06 | Report abuse |
    • Bugsy

      mmmmmmm..... pills!

      February 3, 2011 at 16:18 | Report abuse |
  8. Anonymous

    Ugh. The pharmaceutical corporation will prey on anyone to gain monetary means, even if it means coming up with some asinine "illness." It isn't that easy getting a woman aroused. It takes more time than it does for a man. If men would take more time in trying to please their partner, rather than pawing at them all the time, then perhaps arousal would be easier. Playtime in the bedroom is funtime. But women aren't toys.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:38 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Tom

      They only use them for pleasure, bazing!

      February 3, 2011 at 12:45 | Report abuse |
    • dave

      Damn those pharmaceutical companies....and their life saving drugs.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:37 | Report abuse |
    • Joe

      I like that warning that comes with these pills...if you experience an erection last more the 4 hours, really four hours...if I am hard after ten minutes I am going to panic. If you wait FOUR hours to go see your doctor your dick will fall o-f-f!

      February 8, 2011 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
  9. M Miller

    Then tell us what you want!

    February 3, 2011 at 12:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Xman

    Article says "Women just don’t show clear-cut physical signals when they’re aroused."

    Say What? She's wet, she's talking dirty to me, the look on her face, the places her hands are drifting to are all clear as day, pal. I dunno what you mean there and you couldn't be more wrong.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:41 | Report abuse | Reply
    • diane

      exactly! hey. have you been watchin me in my bedroom?

      February 9, 2011 at 15:43 | Report abuse |
  11. Howie

    Clearly she has a problem, and I hope it can be cured! We were perfect together, I am insatiable, she was a nyphomaniac. For years both of us always wanted it. We experimented, practiced, and really performed for each other. Now, not so much. I still attempt to keep it exciting, I still want it as much, she apparently just doesn't enjoy it any more. She lets me have my way from time to time and takes no pleasure from it. She gets mad if I try to make it good for her because makes it take longer. And no, I haven't put on 300lbs. or lost my hair. I want the s l u t that I married back! If there is a pill for that, it is worth all the research dollars in the world!

    February 3, 2011 at 12:42 | Report abuse | Reply
    • James

      Man I hear that all too often. Stories like that remind me not to get married!

      February 3, 2011 at 13:10 | Report abuse |
    • Lee

      You just described an only slightly less worse version of my life. It sucks to go from three times a day minimum to three times a week maximum.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:39 | Report abuse |
    • lissy

      The fact that you don't know that women are likely to change when they are over is the point of this whole article. If you can't handle it, don't get married.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:15 | Report abuse |
  12. jason

    like most men, i would be happy to do whatever she wants. i would just prefer women would come out and just say what they want. i would be all over it

    February 3, 2011 at 12:43 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JPod & YES I'm a GIRL!

      I believe that is the way to go. I was w/my last partner for 4.5 yrs & even towards the end I'd still tell him what I wanted/liked or let him know he was being a bit too rough or soft or needed to go a little to the left, etc. Besides, the way I was w/him, how else was he to know what felt good? Sometimes a guy (and even a gal) thinks they are doing it good or right or making their partner feel good when in reality, no you are not but instead of speaking up, they are afraid b/c either of ruining the moment or hurting their feelings, idk. But I've learned a lot about communicating w/the last guy I was with and that is one big thank you I give to him for teaching me that it is ok to speak up

      February 3, 2011 at 14:58 | Report abuse |
    • Dalia

      OK. Here's what this woman wants: I want you to do the dishes, fix the toilet, and figure out dinner every night for the next 2 weeks.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:07 | Report abuse |
  13. Donnie

    Some men just don't really take the time to figure a woman out. They are so focused on achieving the end prize that they don't really experience the journey. I've had a lot of friends like this, way too interested in the end result. Then there are guys who actually get satisfaction from pleasing a woman. I personally have a hard time climaxing if I don't feel the woman is into it, so pleasing her becomes a necessity. Everyone is different, and hopefully you are lucky enough to find a mate who has complimenting needs =)

    February 3, 2011 at 12:44 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Polly

      Donnie, are you free? Sounds like we could be very compatible. 😉

      February 3, 2011 at 14:32 | Report abuse |
    • Sunshine

      Donnie,
      As a 40yr old female, I really appreciate your response to this. I have experienced both sides of this discussion. It is better for the both of us if we communicate what it is that we want and how it feels. I rather know than just assume and not know. It is more accomodating if both partners communicate.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:25 | Report abuse |
    • Anna

      Yo Donnie, You sound like my kind of guy!

      February 3, 2011 at 17:54 | Report abuse |
    • hunnykins

      Donnie, your philosophy sounds like my husbands philosophy. It was very different from my previous long term partner, and it made all the difference in the world to me. I believe much of the reason we are still together almost twent years later is very much because of his loving patience, and our compatibility. My previous partner was a dud, but I am sure my ex probably feels the same about me. It just wasn't right.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:00 | Report abuse |
    • Joe

      I'm sorry, but did you we don't take the time to figure women out? That is IMPOSSIBLE. Because what women want is subject to change without notice.

      February 8, 2011 at 14:21 | Report abuse |
    • Farmer

      I must say from the guy who has been only in long term relationships, married twice and engaged in between all by the time i was 25, I learned to do exactly what donnie says. I couldn't believe the change in the relationship, which in turn changed the bedroom seen, which in turn changed the relationship again. It takes a little effort between full time job, running a beef farm, and making the house stuff work, but it was worth it!

      February 9, 2011 at 14:06 | Report abuse |
  14. Xman

    Wow, your post is dripping with cynicism and negativity. Perhaps "most men" is just another way of saying you are a female malcontent and in reality, for whatever reason, the problem may be you.

    Lastly, you wouldn't know what "most men" are like unless you've dated or at least know "most men". Try to be less general and more intelligent about what you post.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. enigma

    Bremelanotide via sub-q works for both genders.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. Tom

    Ok Jane, I'm listening, tell me, what is it that you desire? since you yourself have no clue?

    February 3, 2011 at 12:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Bugsy

    Jane, every time you fake an orgasm – and you do – you put a hurdle in front of a man's opportunity and motivation to learn how to please you (as if it's entirely up to him). Who the hell can read your mind? Only you girl.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. CNNTom

    This may or may not be true, but let's not think this is a one way street. Many women do not know what they are doing and have not learned any art form themselves, it's just that men can still orgasm even with a subpar partner.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. mark in nyc

    sure. call the plumber to clean out the blocked pipes.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. DJMcG

    Oh, and side note - women expect men to read their mind because they're completely self-immersed. It takes that level of self-absorption and ego-maniacal behavior to think that anybody on this earth should be so in tune to your little personal preferences and focused on anticipating your wants... So that's where THAT comes from. 🙂

    February 3, 2011 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Charlotte

      Spoken like a truly self-absorbed and lazy partner.

      February 3, 2011 at 17:28 | Report abuse |
  21. Logan

    Another in a long line of anti-men articles that have been published on this site recently. If we're so terrible why don't you just all become lesbians and leave us be?

    February 3, 2011 at 12:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • A. Goodwin

      The article wasn't anti-man at all – some of the comments are, but where do you infer anything negative from what is written above?

      February 3, 2011 at 12:59 | Report abuse |
    • ReasonWhyImSingle

      Yea, the article is so much man hating as the some of the women on the comments are man haters. There are some women in here that should buy a vibrater and not destroy some mans life by getting into an abusive relationship.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:29 | Report abuse |
    • Charlotte

      A plethora of women are working on that one, sweetie.

      February 3, 2011 at 17:29 | Report abuse |
    • hunnykins

      Dear Logan, and WhyImSingle – It seems when looking for a partner, short term or long term, individuals tend to attract the same kind of person over and over because of who THEY are. And then they make the skewed assumption that every person of that gender is the same because of their own limited experiences. I for one don't assume all men have women problems just because people like you do. I know there are people like my husband, and many other men like him who get along with women just fine. They must have a magical secret, eh? I know women who have men problems, and I also notice their behavior follows a pattern that attracts a certain type of man, the wrong type of man for them, repeatedly. You will find what you seek, and you appear to seek validation that women are temperamental whiny creatures far removed from men. Why? Because that validates your belief, first of all. But, thats me, the female know it all. Good luck with the seeking of the pop, you're going to need it.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:18 | Report abuse |
    • Jesus

      This article and many others of its ilk evidence the failure of marriage, long term relationships, and monogamy for many. The cure for a boring life is to find out if YOU are the dysfunction problem, if so deal with it, and just as important see if you can find mates that satisfy. Changing mates over time is essential to avoid boredom from setting in.

      February 3, 2011 at 22:09 | Report abuse |
  22. Ron Jeremy

    It's not that we don't know how Jane....simply put as long as we're getting some, we just don't care. But thank uou for your insightful thoughts.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. POD

    This is just another big pharma 'con job'. First, you create a 'medication'.......then you create a 'syndrome' that can be corrected by this 'medication'. You pay off a bunch of medical 'experts' to write about it and send bogus press releases like this one to the 24/7 media monster. Bada Boom Bada Bing.....you got yourself another multi-billion dollar revenue stream.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:49 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Logan

      I agree, erectile dysfunction didn't even seem to exist pre 2000

      February 3, 2011 at 12:51 | Report abuse |
    • beepbeep

      Agreed. Much like the way people didn't mind bad breath until Listerine began marketing their product decades ago. Now they've made millions of dollars because we all bought into it.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:14 | Report abuse |
    • hunnykins

      @Logan – Erectile dysfunction existed pre 2000, but its one of those subjects men don't feel the need to brag about.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:20 | Report abuse |
    • yuripelham

      Right on. They create a drug then they create a disease. The doctors are in on the fix and create a billing code. This would fail if patients weren't such dupes.

      February 7, 2011 at 21:54 | Report abuse |
    • DK

      SO TRUE! they've been doing that for every major drug like anti-anxiety pills, ADHD, ADD. All these have been pushed to us by the false enlightenment to this new syndrome or disorder.

      March 7, 2011 at 14:29 | Report abuse |
  24. James

    Jane,
    I'm very sorry that your experiences with men have left you bitter. But perhaps, instead of placing the blame on all men, you should take a look at the individuals you've chosen to be with and the way in which you have chosen to "interact" with them. Placing the blame on men is a tired excuse these days. It's easy to sit back and say point out others perceived faults. Perhaps you should reevaluate your life, personality and lack of satisfaction before blaming others for what is clearly your own problem.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Aaron

    I feel very sorry for anyone who has to sleep with you.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. Matt

    Indeed,
    A problem is rarely defined as a single fault on one end. Sure, men may be focused on their own orgasm, but if it is such a problem for women then why don't they speak out about theirs? Unrealistic expectations have been placed on men by women with regards to relationships, just as much as the expections for women. If you aren't vocal and don't say, then we don't know and we continue what we are doing. We aren't psychic and frankly, it is exhausting to be expected to ASK about everything you want. Most men DO know what it takes, but what it takes is way too much for most guys. I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people (male or female) would take the fastest route that gives them what THEY want.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:53 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Spellofasiren

    This is the typical response that I expect. It is like it was cut and pasted out of a book. I think what you seem to fail to understand is that it is your job to get to there when you are in bed. I think maybe it's about time that you take some personal responsibility for your actions and become an adult.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. BigBen

    What is so hard about telling somebody what you like/want? It's like anything else in life. You wouldn't just tell somebody who doesn't know what type of food you like to order for you and then get all frustrated you didn't like the meal. Everybody has different likes, dislikes and tastes. If you stay quiet about it, it's your fault.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. Logan

    That sandwich won't make itself......

    February 3, 2011 at 12:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Chupacabra

      it's true. men want to do it, then they want a beer and a sandwich, and you shouldn't blame them for what they want physiologically. You also shouldn't blame your wife when you catch her with the hot pool boy.

      February 3, 2011 at 16:17 | Report abuse |
  30. Doba

    Jane raises a good point. As men, we perhaps wrongly assume women are as simple as we are in this area. Spending more time in bed (or wherever else, as the case may be), learning what works, asking what works, enjoying the process, all of these things help, I believe, to make intimacy a more mutually satisfying experience.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Rick McDaniel

    Men have known about that problem for decades. I doubt it will be corrected, either.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. Jeremy

    Your post says more about the kind of guys you choose to sleep with than it does about men in general.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. LedZep

    My wife gets orgasm in 2 secs. Been like that in the last 14 yrs. Usually I catch her by surprise. She has no clue when I am going to what..

    February 3, 2011 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. ScottyB85

    It sounds like you are mixing reality with romance novels and movies.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. Sy2502

    I blame the modern frenetic lifestyle. It's hard to feel frisky in bed when you've had a long day running around, working, stressing out. Some of us can barely keep their eyes open by the time we finally get to collapse on the couch.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Dulcimer

    My GF & I do just fine. We talk, we invent. Spontaneous & breath-taking. Guess we'd suffer too with a man in the bedroom.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:58 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Lilinzaniac

      LOL.... that just made my day.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:16 | Report abuse |
    • NYC Liberal

      your comment was coming along very nicely until you got to the man-hating - how quaint.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:45 | Report abuse |
    • Dulcimer

      I don't hate men. I hate jerks. It's just tough to tell the difference (sometimes). I'd rather be romanced by a man, than laid by him.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:52 | Report abuse |
    • dave

      I am interested in romancing you and your GF.

      February 3, 2011 at 14:27 | Report abuse |
    • Sparky

      Ha! You just use a synthetic version of a man that yu can control.

      What's that tell you?

      February 3, 2011 at 16:57 | Report abuse |
    • jd

      Yeah because you are attracted to jerks. They stay like that because they know that you like it. Until you are sick of it then you leave him. Usually its after you have kids.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:29 | Report abuse |
    • hunnykins

      Sorry, I look at lesbians and they seem more like men than women – men with some of the fun parts removed. The best I could do would be to show half an interest. Until the right man wandered by....

      February 3, 2011 at 18:30 | Report abuse |
  37. Jeff

    How about a woman taking the time to explain? The dearth of female orgasms has as much to do with females not explaining as it does with males not learning.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:58 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. James

    If women would just tell men what they want, instead of expecting us to read their mind or giving false positive feedback (faking it) then a lot more men would be improving. If we think we're doing something you like, and it feels good to us, we're gonna keep doing it that way.

    February 3, 2011 at 12:58 | Report abuse | Reply
    • marcos

      yeah right

      February 3, 2011 at 16:18 | Report abuse |
    • Mara

      James, that's not entirely true. I've asked my husband to try certain things and he acts like it's a chore. He might do it when I ask for it, but not unless I ask and ONLY when I ask. Somehow I manage to keep in mind what *he* likes in bed (even those things that I'm not too fond of doing), but he doesn't seem to be able to make the connection that if I liked it the once, I'll probably like it the next time too. In my experience, if the guy doesn't get something out of it, it don't get done...*regardless* of how much pleasure the woman exhibits.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:12 | Report abuse |
  39. dave

    It's women's fault they can't get off. Women love the "bad boy" types. Bad boy types love themselves. You want a guy who's going to spend time making love to you, start by picking the right guy. Morons.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • SurferGirl

      Bad experience?

      February 3, 2011 at 13:17 | Report abuse |
    • ABA

      Morons??? Really??? Nice way to prove the points of the man-bashing women on here.

      February 3, 2011 at 17:39 | Report abuse |
    • hunnykins

      Aw Dave. You totally had me, until you got to the name calling part. You were doing so well, why the dumbing down?

      February 3, 2011 at 18:23 | Report abuse |
  40. CatastropheCathy

    Women are much more complicated and I don't think a pill is necessary. Just let your woman know you love her, will be honest and trustworthy and treat her well. these things usually do the trick but you may want to work on those six pack abs for extra help. 😉

    February 3, 2011 at 13:01 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Joe

      The statement that women are complicated is one of those universal truths. I don't want want to hear about your periods I certainly don't like your mood swings and psychotic behavior. Do you have a personality, can I get laid with you and is there beer. I am NOT a deep thinking I am very shallow at times because there is too much BS all around me and sometimes I just don't care for garbage and the baggage that mental women come with. I want to get laid not hear about all the other info.

      February 8, 2011 at 14:28 | Report abuse |
  41. dave

    never fails

    February 3, 2011 at 13:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. EE

    YES!!! Alright!!! Another, "Let's blame everything on men because I do not want to take responsibility for my own problems.” Men are this, men are that! I don’t think the problem is men. I think maybe if you abandon your daddy issues and insecurities you will meet a polite, honest and suitable man. The way you say ‘most men’ in your posts leads me to believe you have been with A LOT of them. That indicates to me that you have no trouble jumping from one relationship to another. You sound very co-dependent. Quit trying to find happiness in others and look for it within yourself.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Aaron

    My official policy has always been, her first, and anything I want to do I have to be willing to let her do to me. If you do that you will always get what you want and so will she.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:03 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jennifer

      Aaron – preach brother!! You are sooooo right (no pun intended)!

      February 3, 2011 at 13:40 | Report abuse |
    • smb

      There is one thing I do to her that I will definitely not let her do to me!

      February 3, 2011 at 15:10 | Report abuse |
    • Lee

      Heck, if she'd let me do that to her I'd let her do it to me. I'd have to have full approval over the weapon of choice though : )

      February 3, 2011 at 15:33 | Report abuse |
  44. PK

    It's something that a couple who love one another must learn together.If a man really cares about satisfying his wife, he will take the time to ask her if what he is doing pleases her. It is not her place to give him a map! Unfortunately, one night stands are just that. Neither cares much for the other and are just interested in satisfying themselves. Can't expect much and won't get much. It's your choice.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Pat

    Its all about oral intercourse. Go down on her baby.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jennifer

      Pat's right, too. It's all about the little man in the boat. If you are not a muffin diver, good luck pleasing women.

      February 3, 2011 at 13:41 | Report abuse |
    • DK

      Jennifer- Your words are like poetry to my ears. XD

      March 7, 2011 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
  46. Doug

    You know how to bring a woman to orgasm?

    Who cares? LOL

    February 3, 2011 at 13:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Tifiny

      Yes avoid sarcasm in the bed room

      February 3, 2011 at 13:16 | Report abuse |
    • Polly

      So you get other men to help you out there, Doug? Cause if not you must be very lonely in bed. A man who makes my toes curl gets anything he wants from me...

      February 3, 2011 at 14:37 | Report abuse |
  47. Aaron

    If your lady isn't getting off from penetration, then go down town. If oral stimulation doesn't work either, then it may just be, and I know women may find this surprising, an issue with her. However, I'm a man, and since we are apparently the problem (according to poster Jane) I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:05 | Report abuse | Reply
    • lissy

      Perhaps it is that she is stressed. A woman who is stressed out cannot let go enough to have an orgasm. It's just a fact. It's no one's fault.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:19 | Report abuse |
    • Lee

      And the irony is that it is such a stress reliever. Kind of a Catch 22.

      February 3, 2011 at 15:35 | Report abuse |
  48. Alan Stanwyck

    Guy's should try Wingman Pheromones to get her going! It works!!!

    February 3, 2011 at 13:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. James

    Best thing to improve the female libido is exercise. A good workout (45 minutes cardio or more plus some resistance workout) and a good night's rest will go a long way toward improving libido. I'll put that prescription up against any drug any day.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:08 | Report abuse | Reply
    • hunnykins

      Agreed.

      February 3, 2011 at 18:32 | Report abuse |
  50. Robert

    Jane there is nothing wrong if you prefer women. Why is it a man's responsibility to please you, go please yourself.

    February 3, 2011 at 13:10 | Report abuse | Reply
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