Sex and the baby years
December 2nd, 2010
10:45 AM ET

Sex and the baby years

It’s my anniversary today and this morning my son woke up, ate breakfast and then proceeded to throw it up all over the living room floor. Somehow I don’t think my romantic date night with my wife later this evening is going to go as planned.  But what else is new? If I’ve learned anything from being a parent it’s that, irrespective of my public persona as a “relationship expert,” I often don’t feel like one in my own relationship.

Like many a new father, life after baby #1 left me confused and conflicted, not to mention sleepless and, well, sexless. And just when I thought life couldn't get any more sleepless or sexless, along came baby #2. There was a point where everything made me think of sex – one time my wife, Lisa, was reading the Dr. Seuss classic Hop on Pop to our then-toddler, Owen, and I found myself thinking, "Hey, how about this pop? Why don’t you hop on this hop?”

Let me tell you: when even Dr. Seuss makes you think of sex, that's when things have to change!

It seems like a foregone conclusion and a sad one at that: when you have a baby, sex goes from being something that used to be spontaneous to something that goes on a to-do list. And as sex falls to the bottom of that list, relationships become increasingly vulnerable: to anger, resentment, indifference, and, yes, infidelity.  No wonder a recent study from the University of Denver reports that 90 percent of new parents experi­ence a significant decline in relationship satisfaction, or that according to a recent survey by the online magazine Baby Talk, just 24 percent of parents say they’re satisfied with their post-baby sex lives, compared with 66 percent who were happy before they had children.

At Good in Bed, we believe that sex matters. It’s the glue that binds couples together. It’s what makes us more than just friends. Without sex, lovers become roommates, and a bedroom becomes just a place to sleep in (often with a kid or two in it as well). To help new parents “babyproof” their relationships, we just published a new book, “Sex and the Baby Years,” by Dr. Hilda Hutcherson OBGYN, which (thanks to the support of K-Y Brand), we’re able to offer for free to readers through the end of the month.

I may be a sex and relationships counselor, but I’m first and foremost a guy and I know how challenging it can be to navigate the issue of sex after baby.  Meanwhile my wife didn't seem to miss sex at all. Once our sons were born, I quickly became persona non grata, or at least persona non sexual.  What happened to the woman who couldn't keep her hands off of me? In her book “Confessions of a Naughty Mommy,” my friend Heidi Raykeil writes,

"No one warned me that having a baby was like the excitement of falling in love all over again, except with someone much younger and better smelling than my husband. No one told me that for all intents and purposes, having a baby was dangerously similar to having an affair."

Calling it an affair isn't far off. As Freud defined it, "eros" is a life-force that motivates us to create and to love, and for many mothers, the energy that goes into doting-on, dressing, feeding, fawning and coddling a baby is a powerful expression of an intimacy that knows no bounds. Meanwhile, Dad often feels likes a third-wheel.

That’s why my No. 1 advice to dads is: DON’T GIVE UP ON SEX. It’s too easy to nurse the wounds of rejection and settle for being tuned out and turned off when you should be tuned in and turned-on. With the fight for sex, new dads actually perform a vital rela­tionship function, which is to bring their partner back into the relationship and restore the primacy of their couple-hood: a crucial necessity if they’re to flour­ish and succeed as a family. As couples therapist Esther Perel says, “When the father reaches out to the mother, and the mother acknowl­edges him, redirecting her attention, this serves to rebalance the entire family. Time, resources, playfulness and fun are redistributed, and libido is rescued from forced retirement.”

Not too long ago I was on a plane with my kids, so I thought I better take some time to really listen to those pre-flight instructions about safety exits and flotation cushions that I normally ignore. And I was profoundly struck by a simple instruction: “In the event an oxygen masks drop down, put it on yourself first, then your children.” They instruct you to do this because you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your kids. Well, in our marriages we’re constantly putting our children first, to the point where we allow our relationships to suffocate and ultimately impair our ability to parent well.

So what can you do to keep sex alive throughout the baby years and beyond?

1.      Get out and enjoy a regular date-night as soon as possible! I know many couples who have toddlers that are walking and talking, and even reading, and the parents still haven’t gone out together for an evening on their own.

2.      Re-channel non-sexual intimacy outside the bedroom into your relationship with your spouse. Children are intimacy-sponges, but you have to save some for your partners. For example, studies show that a 30-second hug raises oxytocin levels in both men and women. Oxytocin is known as the “cuddle-hormone” and facilitates a sense of trust, so get thee to a huggery!

3.      Don’t let your child sleep in your bed. Boy do I know this one all too well. Not only does it make it difficult logistically to have sex, it’s an intrusion into the much needed intimacy and separation from their kids that parents need.

4.      Ladies, make an effort to rediscover your sense of sexual self-esteem. I know it’s hard to feel like your sexiest self when you’re a mom, but let the guy in your life know what he can do to support you.

5.      Have sex. Seems obvious. But sometimes you just have to put yourself through the motions, and let your mind follow your body. Many new moms say they want to want sex, but they don’t. So try it, you’ll like it. Sex begets sex and if you don’t use it, you could lose it.

In the end, all parents wants their child to be happy. That's why we do our best to give them everything: from setting up college funds to giving up our careers to stay at home with them. But ultimately, a happy child is part of a happy family, and at the heart of that happy family are two parents who are connected, loving and intimate. Becoming a parent doesn't mean becoming selfless; it means becoming selfish about the things that really matter: like your sex life.

And remember, if you’d like more help navigating this life-change years, check out our free download of the Good in Bed Guide to Sex and the Baby Years.

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.

soundoff (200 Responses)
  1. Valerie

    As mom to two teenage sons, it DOES get waaaaaaaaaaay easier...the baby years fly by, if you ask me.......I think the main reason a lot of women get turned off by the idea of $ e x after the baby is because most women feel the biggest brunt of baby responsibility. I am not knocking the dads here, I am just saying.

    Oh, and yes, most couples go back to having $ e x again, if they didn't most of us would of been ONLY children, and most of us AREN'T! : )

    December 2, 2010 at 11:23 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Mei

      The recommendation for #1, go back to "dating" as soon as possible is always given as advice to parents, however, many a couples in this day-and-age do not have close relatives that want to babysit or that they trust (sad as this is) and hiring a stranger to watch your baby (babies) is not easy and often stresses the mom out the entire time she is out on her "date". Given all the neglect and abuse cases we read in the news where infants are harmed by caretakers, it can be difficult to trust someone else to watch your children. As such, parents often can't get away from the kids to take time out for themselves.

      December 2, 2010 at 15:04 | Report abuse |
    • diggit

      This guy should have kept this stuff to himself. It's uncomfortable to read. Not everything needs to be reported to the world.

      December 2, 2010 at 21:34 | Report abuse |
    • To Digit

      then don't read it dummy.

      December 2, 2010 at 22:21 | Report abuse |
    • Heather

      Well said, Valerie.

      December 2, 2010 at 22:31 | Report abuse |
  2. dxp2718

    Just one question, if "it" wasn't happening, how exactly was baby #2 conceived?

    December 2, 2010 at 11:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Greg

      LOL I thought the same thing as soon as I read the first part of the article.

      December 2, 2010 at 11:41 | Report abuse |
    • Jack

      I was thinking the same thing! Common Ian Kerner, you've got a PhD, so be factual and don't exagerate.

      December 2, 2010 at 11:42 | Report abuse |
    • Observation

      I remember as a child, one of the things that made me feel the best inside, is when I saw my parents holding hands, or hugging with true affection. "...ultimately, a happy child is part of a happy family, and at the heart of that happy family are two parents...". Part of being a good parent is being a good spouse, and it seems a lot of people don't realize or neglect this vital part of family life.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:11 | Report abuse |
    • mslman71

      Well, there's a difference between regular $ex (which I think is what they really mean) and very infrequent $ex. Our second was a one-shot-one-kill conception during an otherwise extended dry spell.

      It's tough to be anything other than exhausted with a (or in my case two) new kids. After getting home from work, helping get the kids fed, relieving my wife of one or both of them so she can relax, getting them to bed, my first reaction is to disengage from everyone, which is usually immediately followed by complete exhaustion. I'm hoping we can return to our pre-kid personal life soon, or at least something similar to it. Not easy.

      Forum engineers/moderators – it is positively ridiculous to have articles about $ex and then have $ex turn up as a word that has the comment rejected.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:56 | Report abuse |
    • Dr.Kyle

      I asked myself the same question...... If it was not happening at home, than where did "it" happen and with whom?

      December 2, 2010 at 15:39 | Report abuse |
    • ccchick

      lol same here 🙂

      December 2, 2010 at 18:21 | Report abuse |
    • JLS639

      My thoughts, exactly.

      December 2, 2010 at 23:33 | Report abuse |
  3. John10111

    Oh yea, ANOTHER reason not to have kids. Just one scientific study out of many that proves that kids cause depression: "Kids are Depressing, Study of Parents Finds" (google it). It was done by a female professor who has kids herself. THANK GOD I'm not going to follow the blind "I want kids!" society/culture train. Living a worry free, stress life here. For the article: evolution made it necessary for a man to have an orgasm, but not for a woman. That's why women overwhelmingly unfortunately do not want $ ex as much as a man does.

    December 2, 2010 at 11:31 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Amy

      Someone women actually do want it and don't want kids. Imagine that!

      December 2, 2010 at 11:37 | Report abuse |
    • Valerie

      Yeah, too bad your parents didn't feel the same way...........

      December 2, 2010 at 11:46 | Report abuse |
    • George

      Lucky for you your parents did not think the way you do! Otherwise you would not exist.

      December 2, 2010 at 11:49 | Report abuse |
    • Lydia

      I used to not want kids. It seemed like an awful lot of hassle for very little reward. Babies rob you of sleep, have to be changed, impair your ability to pursue hobbies, and as they grow they systematically destroy every valuable thing you own, starting with your knick knacks and antiques as toddlers and working their way up to your car as a teen. A few years ago, though, it's like a switch was flipped–I started to like the idea of being a mom, and the thought of having kids seemed a lot less scary. I wouldn't sneer at someone for making the personal choice not to have kids, because the human race as it stands right now is in no danger of dying out. It's a personal choice, and if you don't want kids, then don't have them. I see too many parents with kids they didn't really want, and the kids miss out on so much as a result. It's not fair to the kids, and it's not right for the parents.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:29 | Report abuse |
    • mslman71

      Yeah, and working hard (e.g., school) can lead to or more precisely facilitate depression too. That doesn't mean it isn't worth while. Some things in life are challenging. Kids are one of them.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:57 | Report abuse |
    • Bmore

      And who gets to pick your nursing home when you get old? lol

      December 2, 2010 at 12:58 | Report abuse |
    • Mimi

      I had kids late, so I have had both lives in a way. Its true you can have a great time without them- spending all your money on yourself, restaurants, trips, uninterrupted "me" time, but the meaning my kids have given my life is immeasurable. Now, I think my life without them would be kind of selfish and sad.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:02 | Report abuse |
    • me

      You sound ignorant. Just because you are kid free does not make your life stress free. Grow up. Having a child is one of the best life experiences one could ever have. However not everyone is meant to be or should be a parent. Your comment just sounded so stupid.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:16 | Report abuse |
    • Roxanna

      Wow, you nailed it! I frank;y quite stand kids, why on earth would I ruin my life AND hot body having them?! I have that I do treat like a child, and he is quite enough for me. Quite simply: having children destroys marriages, most people (because they have/want children) will vehemently disagree, but it's true. I will get married and it will be stated on paper- bring up children I file for divorce. I plan to marry once and stay married, because I plan to do it without the burden of kids.

      December 2, 2010 at 16:55 | Report abuse |
    • Mark

      If anything, kids are a blessing! My stress went up, but after my first child, it was smooth sailing.

      December 2, 2010 at 20:57 | Report abuse |
    • Leah

      You've had some brilliantly idiotic replies John 😀

      Like most childfree people I trust you are organising your own old age and picking your own home. Many children have little to do with their parents once they leave home (unless they need money) and so the children will choose what is most convenient for their own lives (especially if they also have children).

      Parents stop putting a burden on your children and treat them such that they WANT to look after you when you are old, don't assume they owe you, after all they didn't choose for you to bring them into the world!

      And yes, the children of today may nurse us in our old age, but only if they are paid to do so, not out of the goodness of their hearts, so unless we are their parents we don't owe them anything.

      December 3, 2010 at 11:05 | Report abuse |
    • xenaboxer

      A child fills a place in your heart you never knew was empty. I thank God for mine everyday!!!

      December 30, 2010 at 22:49 | Report abuse |
  4. ApeHanger

    Guys: here's a simple solution to the problem. Stay single and avoid impregnating women. What women really want is your sperm and your cash and once they have it (especially the latter), you're irrelevant.

    December 2, 2010 at 11:31 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Hmmm

      Well I enjoy raising my kids and at the end of the day paying out money to keep a barely average mom and lousy wife out of the picture is money well spent.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:21 | Report abuse |
    • daddio

      Amen!! In today's society men are truly 3rd class citizens.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:36 | Report abuse |
    • RadTech01

      Your username should be SingleMaster Bater, b/c I'm sure that's what you are. Idiot.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:50 | Report abuse |
    • Lisa

      And all men want is someone to have $ex with, cook his meals and clean up after him, and then leave so they can watch football.
      No, we aren't all how you desribe us, just like not all men are how I describe, so get off your misogynist high horse.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:02 | Report abuse |
    • MeatPuppet

      And all men want is someone to have $ex with, cook his meals and clean up after him, and then leave so they can watch football.

      I don't watch football, am quite skilled in the kitchen (more so than most of the women I've met over the years) and keep a clean crib, which is more than I can say for some of the women I've met over the years.

      As for the $ex part, too much baggage comes along for the ride.

      December 3, 2010 at 10:35 | Report abuse |
  5. Meeeee

    This article sucks – who cares? I'm offended.

    December 2, 2010 at 11:32 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Dan

      Ahh, the inevitable "who cares?" comment. Well, clearly you do, at least enough to comment on it

      December 2, 2010 at 12:26 | Report abuse |
  6. shibbygirl

    this felt like a never ending parade of advertisements...

    December 2, 2010 at 11:32 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Darthlawsuit

      Welcome to Capitalism

      December 2, 2010 at 11:52 | Report abuse |
  7. Amy

    Is it any wonder a new mom wouldn't want to hop right into bed and risk getting pregnant again when she's awakened every two hours by a screaming hellhound who wants to fling poo at her, pee in her face, vomit on her favorite sweater, and exert its dominance over her by chomping down on her with its budding new teeth while she's feeding it?

    No big surprise there!

    December 2, 2010 at 11:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • aroth

      There's no risk of getting pregnant again, if you do it right.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:50 | Report abuse |
    • Mark

      Yeah, because the mom does all the work while the dad sleeps and watches football all day. Women like you make me happily stay single, and childless

      December 2, 2010 at 21:36 | Report abuse |
  8. That's What's Up

    wow Amy – not many are more bitter than you. ...and you don't even have a child to enjoy

    December 2, 2010 at 11:40 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Amy

      I have 5 kids, and I was just joking. 😛

      December 2, 2010 at 11:48 | Report abuse |
    • That's What's Up

      Holy Roly, me-oh-my...
      I have three of my own but my wife did all of the hard work.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:01 | Report abuse |
  9. Pablo Fassari

    People who have kids statistically live longer.

    December 2, 2010 at 11:44 | Report abuse | Reply
    • PABob

      Average age of a single man 48, average age of a long term married man is 78. Math doesn't lie.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:04 | Report abuse |
    • Jeff B.

      Yeah – but they don't ENJOY it....

      December 2, 2010 at 12:08 | Report abuse |
    • Necrometric

      Yeah, I'd rather be dead than have those chains around my neck.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:04 | Report abuse |
    • layne

      I hate when people take a raw stat without understanding it and act like it proves something. The stat is more reflective of lifestyle decisions rather than the simple fact that they are married and/or have kids. When you don't have a family it affords you the ability to take more risks since your decisions only affect yourself (more or less). Because of that you're likly to live a riskier lifestyle which can result in an earlier death. That doesn't mean your lifestyle will be any more or less fulfilling though.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:24 | Report abuse |
    • John

      Math may not lie, but it is all how you interpret the numbers. For instance, how many of the single men that made up the average age of 48 died before they were able to marry?

      December 2, 2010 at 13:24 | Report abuse |
    • John10111

      "Average age of a single man 48, average age of a long term married man is 78. " – that shows nothing about how long they LIVE. Duh. Its like saying, average age of a high school kid and average age of a person who is bald.

      December 2, 2010 at 15:06 | Report abuse |
    • Moi

      PABob: Numbers can totally lie. The faulty logic you just used to make your inference clearly demonstrates that. I don't necessarily have an opinion either way about your over-arching point (which I believe is that it's better to be married), I just have an issue with how you tried to get us there.

      December 2, 2010 at 15:16 | Report abuse |
    • Mark

      You guys watch to much television. Chains around my neck. What a joke.

      December 2, 2010 at 20:59 | Report abuse |
    • Thomas

      "People who have kids statistically live longer"

      No it just seem like it.

      December 3, 2010 at 08:36 | Report abuse |
  10. DaddyD

    I absolutely love all the anti-family comments. When you are old and alone on your death bed wondering what you did with your "care free" life, and whether your existence has had an impact on even one person, I hope that your nurse is very comforting to you. The only people who would think having kids is really that horrible are obviously the people w/out kids, everyone else changes their mind instantly when they see what a wonderful impact children have on your life.

    December 2, 2010 at 11:48 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      Agreed 110%...personally I have always loved being a mom. Today, my sons are teenagers and we have such a BLAST! The world is full of selfish people though....and the selfish can't even comprehend joy in sacrifice and giving to others.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:01 | Report abuse |
    • Mary

      Sadly, DaddyD, not everyone falls in love with their child like you did. That is why there are so many abused children out there. Not everyone is parent material. I personally never felt like I wanted children. I have a good time with the children in my family and my friend's families, but I don't think I would be good at it full time. I believe every child should have wonderful loving parents and a happy childhood. I hope you have as many children as you want. You sound like a loving parent. Just don't judge those of us who opt out.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:08 | Report abuse |
    • Sils

      You don't have to be a mother or father to give and make an impact in someone's life, just so you know. You can have an impact by caring for parents (instead of sticking them in nursing homes like you exemplary breeders so often do). You can have an impact on neices, nephews, neighbors, students, co-workers and more. Bonding with a child is easy - they are your flesh and blood and your ego sees them as little extensions of you that give you a second chance to remedy those failures of yours. Try making an impact on someone other than your kids - that is the most unselfish thing you could ever do.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:32 | Report abuse |
    • layne

      If the determining factor on how you live your life is based around the insecurity that you will be alone at a time when your usefulness to society and other people has been used up and your mortality is about to affirm itself then I would say you wasted your life in the first place whether you choose to have a family or not.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:30 | Report abuse |
    • Anti-Self-Centeredness

      Are you so delusional that you truly believe the only way to have an impact on someone's life or in the world is to do the same thing that millions of idiots throughout history have been able to accomplish? The instinct to reproduce is no longer necessary; in fact, it's an incredibly selfish thing to bring children into this world. I am single, educated, employed, and childless, and I have devoted years of my life to working in orphanages in Eastern Europe and Africa. Don't you dare for a single second try to tell me that YOU'VE had more impact on the world because you had a few sperm survive the long swim. Now that I work in the US full time, I volunteer in inner city schools with children who were not born to parents who wanted them and want the best for them, and who will likely never leave the projects.

      This world cannot even care adequately for the people we have, and we are choking our planet to death with overpopulation. Our resources are stretched thin and beautiful creatures around the world die out EVERY DAY as a result of your BS impulse to breed – and to, much like an animal, follow every stupid impulse that goes through your head. If having a child is what you want, great – there are millions of unloved children living in desperation and squalor around the world every day who would thank their lucky stars for a chance for parents and a roof and three meals a day.

      At least I have the security of knowing that when I die, I'll know that I did EVERYTHING in my power to make an impact on the world and to change lives. I selflessly gave up my child-bearing years to go out into the world and actually help people out there who need help, instead of contributing to the global problems by popping out a few kids. Yeah, you really made a huge dent on the world's problems with those boring middle class suburbanites, didn't you?

      Don't you dare tell me that your life is more significant than mine because you stayed home and unleashed a few more selfish, consumer-driven arrogant jerks into the world and I chose to direct my time and energy towards making a difference for children who didn't have a parent to help them through life.

      December 2, 2010 at 14:07 | Report abuse |
    • mslman71

      "Don't you dare tell me that your life is more significant than mine because you stayed home and unleashed a few more selfish, consumer-driven arrogant jerks into the world and I chose to direct my time and energy towards making a difference for children who didn't have a parent to help them through life."

      Wait a minute, isn't that what your parents did? So are you a consumer driven arrogant jerk? Wait, I'm confused now. How could you have helped the poor starving babies of Africa if your parents hadn't wasted their time and energy procreating and putting yet one more idiot on the planet just like all the other idiots for all time have done?

      December 2, 2010 at 14:25 | Report abuse |
    • JJ

      being married or having children does not guarantee that someone will not die alone.

      December 2, 2010 at 14:45 | Report abuse |
    • TedNY

      "The only people who would think having kids is really that horrible are obviously the people w/out kids, everyone else changes their mind instantly when they see what a wonderful impact children have on your life." I am one of the millions of survivors of parental abuse. Don't make sweeing assumptions about how people respond to parental responsibilities.

      December 2, 2010 at 14:54 | Report abuse |
    • Smileygirl

      it's amazing how disrespectful anti self-centered's comment was....wow, it sounds like you've done some outstanding things with children....but i think you should maybe pay to get your tubes tied....

      December 2, 2010 at 20:28 | Report abuse |
    • Bif

      Antiselfcenteredness is a misanthrope, and probably has serious mental health issues

      December 2, 2010 at 21:15 | Report abuse |
    • bk

      My husband is detective who is one of the nation's experts on vulnerable adult victimization. His cases regularly involve elderly people whose children have defrauded them of their life savings, stolen their homes, beaten them, starved them, and in some cases left them to die of exposure or neglect. Financial crimes against elderly parents are EXTREMELY COMMON. The argument that your children will be there for you 100% of the time is false. They may be there, they may not, and in the worst case, they may victimize you. Your argument is flawed. People who want to invest the time to raise good kids should have kids. People who want to have powerful careers, travel, have great $ ex, spend money on themselves, etc probably won't be stellar parents anyway so why do you want to shame them into having kids? Life can be meaningful without children–my husband and I have none and he regularly receives letters from victims grateful for his contributions. I am a nurse and have saved many lives over the course of my career. Don't tell me that those accomplishments are meaningless just because we didn't want to have kids.

      December 3, 2010 at 02:39 | Report abuse |
    • calvin

      It is not quite that black and white that if you don't have kids, you end up old and lonely. I am 51, and have admittedly fled from marriage and family offers a dozen times at least. Sometimes I think like the above author, especially around the holidays, but at other times, I consider the close friendships that I have developed of people who I know I will still be talking to (as long as we are alive) into old age. There are alternatives to depending on children for attention and companionship into old age. And I am meeting new people all the time, some who quite quickly become "old" friends.

      December 3, 2010 at 11:43 | Report abuse |
  11. Jonathan

    ...and people wonder why I'm looking for someone who doesn't already have kids?

    December 2, 2010 at 11:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Wow

    Methinks Amy forgets how she was with her own mom!

    December 2, 2010 at 11:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. SirReal

    Women! This problem sits squarely on your shoulders and once again, the man has to initiate the repair job. Its the women who need to split their time (90/10?) with their children and husband. Us guys don't need all the time in the world, but rather just a little to know we still matter (more than being a paycheck and a bug killer).

    Its true, men need to take on some of the nurturing responsibility to the children and many skate on this. Nevertheless, its the women who need to realize they are "making exclusive" their time for the kids only and this is wrong. Of course, "telling" a women this is next to impossible. To that end, all of you females out there who agree with this now, please remember this when you have kids. And all you women out there who know another who has children, please remind them of this.

    Men are simple and easy to please. Just put on that "come get me baby" look and we're energized for a while.

    December 2, 2010 at 11:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Beagle

      Right there...blaming a woman and the (90/10) reference was all I needed to read to KNOW this man was the typical selfish, self-centered, what-about-me idiot who unfortunately is more often than not a "father" in only the biological sense. Again, FYI...if a woman has a child, or children, her entire biological, mental and physical person is consumed with making sure this child survives. Hello? Get it? It is biologically and chemically ingrained. A man can do a lot to alleviate the enormous stress on her body and mind but rarely does. "Men need to take some of the nurturing responsibility..." ???Ya think? How about more than SOME? Exclusive time with the kids is a gross exageration and you know it. The exclusive time you talk about happens during waking hours, which for a woman will never be the same and never be enough for the rest of her life. As for all any other "time off" a woman has...that's for sleeping you imbecile. Ever wonder why women age much faster than men? Duh doofus! How incredibly short-sighted, ignorant etc....and Thank God he is not my husband or the father of my children!

      December 2, 2010 at 12:14 | Report abuse |
    • Annie

      You are 100% correct in my opinion and I'm a woman. I don't have children of my own, but what you said hits home. My mom made zero effort to ever be attractive or anything once she had me and my 2 brothers. My dad was simply her pay check, lawn maintence and someone to dump the kids off on when she was tired or annoyed. She let herself go to the max, I'm talking she looks like a troll! It was really no suprise when my dad revealed he'd been having affairs and didn't love her and wanted a divorce. In my mom's case, it wasn't just about looks either, she never had a job, had a mean disposition and would complain about anything she ever had to do around the house. She was just mean and lazy and used having children as her excuse to do absolutly nothing...oh and she never failed to remind us kids of all the things we runied in her life and how much she gave up for us...not sure what since she was a collage drop out with no job

      December 2, 2010 at 12:34 | Report abuse |
    • mslman71

      I think if some women didn't have their martyrdom, they'd having nothing.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:14 | Report abuse |
    • Valerie

      Annie- just because YOUR mom was garbage and your childhood was crappy doesn't mean everyone else's was. My mom was an angel, and my father (God rest his soul) adored her and protected and provided for his family like a TRUE man. My mother sacrificed her wants and needs to provide a stable, loving, and nurturing home that was a JOY to be raised in.

      And I am sure I am not the ONLY one. Unless people that are loving and kind produce more offspring to do the SAME, the world will be 100% WORSE than it ALREADY IS.

      December 2, 2010 at 14:18 | Report abuse |
    • MeatPuppet

      Again, FYI...if a woman has a child, or children, her entire biological, mental and physical person is consumed with making sure this child survives. Hello? Get it? It is biologically and chemically ingrained.

      Ah, that explains why I see all those fat, nasty-looking women parading around Wal*Mart with annoying offspring in tow. Blame evolution for it, not laziness and indolence.

      December 3, 2010 at 10:42 | Report abuse |
  14. DaddyD

    Easy there Jack, woah boy. Little too graphic, made me throw up a little in my mouth......

    December 2, 2010 at 11:53 | Report abuse | Reply
    • XWngLady

      "Throw(ing) up a little in my (your) mouth" was a bit too much information for me...but I get your point. 🙂

      December 2, 2010 at 12:37 | Report abuse |
  15. PABob

    In 1975 after our second child came I came home one day to find my wife had cut her hair and looked like a mom from the 40s and 50s. I told her that she would be their Mom for the rest of her life but she would be living with me for the rest of her life and she better keep that in perspective. She listened and things changed quickly. When the kids got older we actually designated Friday night as "Date Night" and sent the kids off somewhere. Today after 36 years of marriage and four grandchildren that we watch most weekends much to our enjoyment so our kids can have some time to themselves with their wives we still have "Date Night" on Fridays and I still look very forward to it at 54 years of age.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • brent

      love to hear that, we have a similar story line but no grand kids yet, i am 56, we still have dates like 3/4 times a week, not always at night, could be am, afternoon...what ever...in boat...you get my drift. haha. but your comments warm my heart to know my partner and I are not the only ones who see the bennifets of this type of life style. thanks for your post.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:39 | Report abuse |
  16. That's What's Up

    Jack.....it's obvious your last name is Off

    December 2, 2010 at 12:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Fuyuko

    Do stay at home dad's have this issue? I'm simply curious, if the dad is the primary caregiver for baby I bet he'd get more action.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jewel

      Interesting question.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:20 | Report abuse |
    • daddio

      bet not-she's too tired from working all day ya know...

      December 2, 2010 at 12:40 | Report abuse |
    • Mimi

      Oh god totally. By the time my kids go to bed, I just want an hour to myself. I work full time, and spend every other minute dealing with managing the household, plus the scheduling, organizing and shopping relative to their daily lives (schools, babysitters, playdates, birthday parties, school events, dr. visits, clothes and shoes, etc etc etc). If he stayed home all day and attended to even half of this stuff, and I actually even got an hour or two to myself, he would definitely get more action.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:14 | Report abuse |
    • Mickety

      Oh no...mom is sooo tired, then she complain on how Dad keeps house...doesn't keep it to her standards. The whole thing is twisted. If guys complain on how their wives keep house, it is considered abusive. Then the wife would go next door and have relations with the neighbor, or the mailman, like mine did.

      December 2, 2010 at 15:30 | Report abuse |
    • MeatPuppet

      Poor Mimi! She was so eager to pop out a few carpet crabs. Now she has to deal with the fruits of her...er...labors. Have you had the oil changed in your minivan recently?

      December 3, 2010 at 10:52 | Report abuse |
  18. Annie

    As a 22 year old woman from the south, I know of at least 10 people from my highschool or friend circle that popped out kids after graduation. Honestly, I must say, with the exception of two of the fathers, all the other dads didn't last more than a year after the child was born before they simply broke up, found a girl with no children and just paid child support. I think this article hits home for young couples that have kids at a young age.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:17 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Kids need dads.

      Agree Annie – as a northerner visiting the south often I concur and it is frustrating. Recently a gal in tight shorts was pointed out to me in a bar that has 4 kids with three different daddies. She's single and working at BW3.

      I commend you for your self discipline.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:25 | Report abuse |
    • Kids need dads.

      I guess my point on the tight shorts mention was, with 4 young kids, out at a bar, mom's priorities are obviously skewed.

      December 2, 2010 at 12:26 | Report abuse |
    • BimmerBob

      While I certainly don't condone deadbeat dads, these mothers aren't without fault. They obviously made poor choices in selecting partners and most probably got pregnant outside of an established and committed marriage.

      December 3, 2010 at 12:36 | Report abuse |
    • GrammarGnatsie

      Typical parenting, as far as what I've seen. Just another nail in the cof–wait, hang on... Nope, maybe over here. Crap! Underneath?

      I should have used smaller nails. : /

      December 3, 2010 at 20:01 | Report abuse |
  19. Terry from West Texas

    I have read that nursing mothers emit a pheramone that causes a man near her to produce less testosterone and more estrogen. It makes him less interested in intercourse and more interested in nurturing the new mother and baby.

    Men take note: You may want to wear an oxygen mask when visiting your pregnant sister.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:22 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JJ

      This is actually true. Men go into a period after they children where they produce less test. Makes me less aggressive etc as to theoretically keep them more docile around the offspring. It also happens if your friends have kids and your around them for extended periods of time.

      December 6, 2010 at 16:36 | Report abuse |
  20. Fridaynight

    Man, I am so glad my husband is always up for it or we would only do it twice a month! We have 5 kids and they just suck all the intimacy out of me and my poor husband gets neglected. He does everything to help me re-energize and I find that the longer we go without $ex, the crankier we both are but if we can get down to business at least 3-4 x's a week then we are both happier and more able to deal with life in general – it doesn't hurt that he helps our more around the house too when we're more active in bed! The whole date night thing, it's genius! Whenever we start arguing a lot, one of us usually blurts out WE NEED TO GO OUT ON A DATE! Get away from the kids, remember why you love each other, indulge on yourself for an evening, just do it. Your kids will only be with you for 20 years (hopefully), then you'll just have your spouse for another 40+ so you better know and like that person when the kiddos leave home.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:23 | Report abuse | Reply
    • brent

      right on Fridaynight...been workin that angle for 22 years, for those comitted to it...it works just fine. Life is just easier when your gettin laid.... it completes both partners. Good post. thanks

      December 2, 2010 at 12:30 | Report abuse |
    • Thomas

      "Your kids will only be with you for 20 years (hopefully), ..."

      Yeah, I had that fantasy also. Currently we are at 22 and still counting... and it is not even my kid. But it is my money. 🙁

      December 3, 2010 at 08:43 | Report abuse |
  21. Jim

    Got really bummed out late one night as my son strolled in on a 'performance', asking whatcha doing to Mom, Dad..is she hurting. Things were just never the same.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:23 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Smileygirl

      HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Poor Jim....i only giggle, cuz i've been there buddy....unfortunately my daughter has a mind like a steel trap...i fast-forward in my head to like 20 years from now when she's telling her therapist how her life was forever changed when she walked in on mommy and daddy "wrestling".....sigh....wonder what MY therapist will say....:o)

      December 2, 2010 at 20:36 | Report abuse |
    • Thomas

      Nothing beats a 10 year old asking at breakfast.

      "Mommy, are you feeling ok?"

      "Yes I am, why do you ask" She replied

      "Well last night, it sounded like you were throwing up"

      We were having $ex, but I guess I am not very good at it. LoL

      Kids say the darnest things. 🙂

      December 3, 2010 at 08:46 | Report abuse |
  22. brent

    Agree with article except point #3, but i would like to add the "terms of engagement" change after baby, men have to change their tact a bit. Before baby a man could set the table for intimacy in traditional ways, spending time in a romatic type way, after baby, creating an atmosphere of intimacy requires a different approach. May I suggest the following...make a real effort to help, clean...wash ...cook, feed , shop, run errands and take out the garbage. Hopefuly this will create a bit more time for the mother, perhaps not as tired and overwhelmed. An effort by the male partner is appreciated and "rewarded".
    And make a date ningt, plan intimacy, prioritize intimacy, organize the day you pick for that intimcay. Work it. this has worked for a lot of people, not everyone, but a lot.
    And Amy, i hear what your saying, loved the hellhound feces flinging thing. hang in their sister, humnor is still alive and well in a busy parent's world.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. Not happenin for at home dad

    A stay-at-home dad, second time around, for second layoff. Was primary caregiver for the first, spending 2.5 years at home (not by choice) with him on one (teacher's) salary for the family. Fast forward five years and doing it again for Thing #2. Maybe it's the anger or frustration related to the unemployment, but there is no action or love or even hugs. Just roommates and barely that. Have tried everything under the sun. Romance, letters, flowers, notes, sincere compliments, back rubs, foot rubs. All for nothing. Nothing is given in return.
    Primary caregiver includes full care for the children 24/7, doctors' appointments and therapies for these two special needs children. My job hunt and education have almost fallen by the wayside. Much too early to retire.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Scott

      I have the same problem.. I do loads round the house, cook, do most of the shopping, give her breaks etc. Nothing in return..In the bedroom..

      December 2, 2010 at 22:40 | Report abuse |
  24. XWngLady

    I think that some new fathers could do more to help new mothers who are often fatigued from the feeding, changing, breast-feeding, toting, hauling, comforting and entertaining of the little ones. That's not to say that new dads don't help, I know that theydo. But I do think that some new dads could step it up a notch. If they would do more to help relieve mom's fatigue and let her get some much needed sleep, they would find that she has higher levels of energy and a higher libido!

    December 2, 2010 at 12:29 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Thomas

      New mothers also need to allow new fathers to help.

      That means trusting the father to do things right and to recognize that just because fathers do something differently than the mother, does not necessarly mean they are doing it wrong.

      Mothers (and women in general), who lament that their partners are not doing enough around the house, might need to self-examine to determine whether their actions or words are actuall discouraging men from helping.

      We have several new moms at work and to hear some of them talk about the fathers, no wonder the fathers don't want to do anything.

      December 3, 2010 at 08:50 | Report abuse |
    • Carl

      Right on, Thomas.

      There are men who are completely unhelpful. And there are also men who are completely willing to help, but their efforts are continually criticized or rejected outright. Plenty of the latter will turn someone into the former.

      December 3, 2010 at 15:27 | Report abuse |
    • rbnlegend

      I agree that fathers need to participate. I also agree that mothers need to allow them to do so. My advice to my friends, as they become parents, is to schedule 2 weeks of vacation, right when their wife goes back to work, and stay home with their new child. Alone. Just dad and kid. You don't need a woman to help you take care of a baby, even a 6 week old. You spend a few days doing it on your own, and you will have the skills to be a full partner in parenting. If you hand the baby over for changings, bathings, etc you are just a visitor. Once you have those skills, use them. Send mom out for a night with her friends, or send her out to do the grocery shopping alone, or whatever. When she comes home, you may be worn out from dealing with the poo linging hellhound, but she will be re-energized, and nothing is as sm3xy as a man who can take care of a baby. It works with women other than your wife too. "I'm not babysitting, I'm parenting" either drives them away, or hooks them 🙂

      Full time parenting when the kid is a baby prepares you for the rest of it, when they get older and more interesting. You don't one day wake up and realize that there's a kid in your house that you don't know, who doesn't trust you, and who only reflects your wifes interests and values. If you have always been there, helping them become a real person, you don't end up with a kid who is a stranger to you.

      December 6, 2010 at 10:55 | Report abuse |
  25. Mark

    John10111.....Give me a freakin break already. Keep your B.S. "scientific" studies. Too bad they can't say "I love you Daddy". Too bad they won't get exited when you come home after working all day and want nothing more than to sit down and play with YOU. There's nothing like being a parent. And my gosh, if I have to hear or read one more piece of pure 100% crap about how "evolution" is the reason for this or that... then I believe I'm just plain gonna vommit.

    Men and women were CREATED differently. It was by DESIGN. Newsflash here.......men and women are different. Men and women have different views about "it" because they're wired differently.......by DESIGN.

    If you want to forego having kids, that's certainly your prerogative, but for Pete's sake don't act the reason is the KIDS. The reason is YOU. Don't give up your adolecent school boy lifestyle or state of mind if you don't want to, no one is forcing you. But if your reason is because the kids might be a hassle, well...................duh! But, they're worth every bit of it.

    December 2, 2010 at 12:40 | Report abuse | Reply
    • John10111

      "they're worth every bit of it." – really? No, studies and commonsense prove otherwise. You created a kid so someone will want you when you come back home. Thats selfish. Most reasons to have kids are selfish/egotistical. You cant ignore scientific studies, sorry. Taking care of another human being is stressful. $250,000 is the average cost of raising a child and that doesnt include college costs. This site doesnt always accept my comments.

      December 2, 2010 at 14:13 | Report abuse |
    • Valerie

      John is just upset because no one wants to have $ex with him AT ALL. Bitter, party of one, your table is ready!

      December 2, 2010 at 14:26 | Report abuse |
    • John10111

      People who make personal attacks have the weaker argument. Thanks Valerie

      December 2, 2010 at 14:47 | Report abuse |
    • rbnlegend

      Having kids is both stressful and selfish. Yes, it's expensive. And at the end of the day, the benefits do exceed the costs. Not in economic terms, not anymore. We can't put the kids out in the fields and get a dollar return on our investment. But it's still worthwhile. It's easy to fall into drudgery, but that's true with or without kids. I know vibrant people who live life to the fullest, with kids, and I know people whose lives are nothing but work who don't have kids. It's not the kids that hold you back.

      I've also seen more than a few child-free people who get to a point in their lives where they suddenly decide something is missing, and they scramble to get married and have kids. They seem to be the worst for being the typical kid obsessed, picket fence and mini-van types, and can't decide if they wanted the kids or hate them.

      December 6, 2010 at 11:02 | Report abuse |
  26. Katie

    I think its very funny that people are calling those who choose not to have kids "selfish" as if having a crotchturd is the only way one can be selfless. Newflash people, having kids is a biological function and is in no way some sort of accomplishment. In fact the bottomfeeders of the world are usually the ones who procreate the most. Raising a happy healthy child IS an accomplishment, and considering how few people I see who are both, clearly it is not one that happens very often. What is MOST selfish is to A) think that the only way to give yourself to others is to pass on your jeans (egotistical much!?) and B) having children you cannot afford or care for properly, something that I would say is by FAR the majority when it comes to those breeding and insisting that everyone should. If everyone was meant to have children, you wouldnt see so many in foster care and whatnot. You wouldnt see so many on anti depressants bc their parents messed up their heads. I mean come on people, the fact is probably 70% of people have no business having children, and those who are smart enough to realizse it and do other things with their lives are the selfless and smart ones!

    December 2, 2010 at 13:00 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Katie

      wow, I meant genes. I rarely make a mistake that stupid lol

      December 2, 2010 at 13:00 | Report abuse |
    • John10111

      Thank you! I fully agree with everything you wrote.

      December 2, 2010 at 14:45 | Report abuse |
    • Buster Bloodvessel

      You should be eugenically sterilized to prevent yourself from having another crotchturd like yourself.

      December 3, 2010 at 12:03 | Report abuse |
    • Buster Bloodvessel

      "pass on your jeans " I give mine to Goodwill when I'm done with them.

      December 3, 2010 at 12:11 | Report abuse |
    • rbnlegend

      People who make personal attacks have the weaker argument.

      December 6, 2010 at 11:12 | Report abuse |
  27. Erica

    So, I click on the "free" link for the book "S_x and the Baby Years" and what do I see? An error message saying "Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn't here." I thik that says it all, no matter how hard you search for s_x during the early years of being a parent, don't count on finding it!

    On a serious note, I would be a little more lovey dovey if I had more help. The resentment really starts to amp up after I have gotten the kids and myself ready in the morning (including lunches), commuted an hour each way to/from work, worked a full day, come home to cook, generally pick up around the house, get everyone bathed, homework reviewed, stories read, kids tucked in, make multiple nighttime trips to their room to soothe them through bad dreams and then have hubby, who is a house-spouse and basically surfs the web all day, start whining about not getting any. My single mother friends say that their list of chores actually DECREASED after kicking hubby to the curb. Following that path is very tempting.

    December 2, 2010 at 13:07 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Katie

      Im confused why would you let him do that?

      December 2, 2010 at 13:09 | Report abuse |
    • mslman71

      I have friends whose husbands or who are husbands who provide the entire spectrum of support – from almost none, to every hour they aren't at work they are helping (cooking, cleaning, night feeding, etc.) and the theme is the same. Whatever they do or don't do, it isn't enough, or isn't done right. The complaints are almost identical.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:15 | Report abuse |
    • Mimi

      Yes, sounds like your problems are unrelated to actually having the children. He sounds like a waste of space

      December 2, 2010 at 13:20 | Report abuse |
    • Erica

      Katie – Not a matter of "letting" him do that. He thinks he does much more than he does, and if I actually keep a list and present it to him, I'm throwing things back in his face or nagging. Things get better for a bit, then back to the usual. If I make a list of my expectations, then I'm treating him like a bi%ch. Can't win. I probably wouldn't mind if I actually loved him, but 23 years of his whining has created a dead spot in my heart where love used to be. Guess I just need to make a decision whether or not to keep putting up with it or do the honorable thing and just end the relationship.

      December 2, 2010 at 14:06 | Report abuse |
    • Mary

      Erica, I vote for you ending the relationship. Kind of like cutting off a growth that serves no good purpose, but slows you down. I know that is easier said than done, though. Good luck.

      December 2, 2010 at 16:05 | Report abuse |
    • Katie

      I know it must be beyond hard but I think you need to get rid of him. Its not right for you to stay with someone you dont love. Not right for you or him. You deserve to be happy! (sounds like he will probably stay single forever with his behavior!)

      December 2, 2010 at 16:54 | Report abuse |
    • Buster Bloodvessel

      If you don't love your husband, why did you have his baby? Is it even his?

      December 3, 2010 at 12:06 | Report abuse |
  28. ofcoursenot

    Speaking strictly from experience. No/little $ex since baby one. Then talk of baby two starts and is approved. You gear up for $exathon. She gets pregnant on second or third try (the three tries can span a month easily). The $exathon turns out to be, well, 50m dash and you are back to $exless.

    December 2, 2010 at 13:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. John R

    News Flash for those who missed it: The book was written by a woman, not a man.
    BTW, it took me about 1 minute total to download the free book and import it into iTunes. Can't complain about a free book...

    December 2, 2010 at 13:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. John R

    News Flash for those who missed it: The book was written by a woman, not a man. BTW, it took about one minute to download it and import it into iTunes. Free book!

    December 2, 2010 at 13:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. CWhat'sNew

    The best advice to a Man from a Woman is that, don't just sit on the sideline being the '3rd wheel". Get actively involved in taking care of the baby and chores, so that to free up her time to be with you. I'll tell you it's not just time. It's the most powerful flirting tool. She will like your help soooo much. Man will also feel not 'left out'.

    Ian, I still don't think you learned the signle most important trick when you write this. Men just can't see it.

    December 2, 2010 at 13:12 | Report abuse | Reply
    • mslman71

      ... and to follow-up. Make a mental note of what men are doing, not just what they aren't. If you come to the table with the notion that enough isn't being done you'll always look for reasons to reinforce that position and take what is being done for granted.

      December 2, 2010 at 13:44 | Report abuse |
    • Thomas


      Excellent point. It is often too easy to focus on what is not being done and forget about the little stuff that is being done.

      The way to motivate someone is to point out all that they do and show appreciation instead of nagging about what they are not doing.

      The rule seems to be : The more you show appreciation for what your partner does, the more they do.

      December 3, 2010 at 09:00 | Report abuse |
  32. Mark

    ..."wow, I rarely make a mistake that stupid lol"...

    Somehow, I find that hard to believe...

    December 2, 2010 at 14:08 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Katie

      Wow mark. I actually made a good argument. You resort to personal attacks bc you dont agree with me. Did you adopt your children? because as kids go, THATS actually the least selfish thing you could do. Im sure you didnt though.

      December 2, 2010 at 16:56 | Report abuse |
    • Buster Bloodvessel

      Yeah, I thought the same thing.

      December 3, 2010 at 12:10 | Report abuse |
  33. Anti-Self-Centeredness

    @Valerie – Really? Because you're childless you can't comprehend the joy of giving to others? News flash: it's INCREDIBLY easy to love and give to somebody YOU CREATED. It takes REAL character and inner strength to love and give to those who are not your flesh and blood.

    Honestly, part of my motivating factor in not having children is because I don't want to turn into one of these bumbling fools. The world does not revolve around you and your silly nuclear family and the selfishness of that viewpoint far outweighs any selfishness that may go into the decision not to procreate.

    That's really fabulous that you wanted to do nothing more with your life than what your biology allows, but some people actually are motivated to do REAL things in the world and help ACTUAL people who need help.

    December 2, 2010 at 14:15 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Valerie

      So you THINK all I do is care for my kids? LOL! Sweetheart, you know NOTHING about ME, or MY LIFE. All you know is the fact I have two teenage sons. That is all. That's it. YOu don't know what me or my husband do for a living, or how we help others, or anything else.

      You want to go toe to toe? Parents provide something YOU will never PROVIDE- Future generations. yes, future generations who will be police officers, firefighters, garbagemen, teachers, doctors, nurses, etc, etc.....TAXPAYERS, paying back into the society at large. I know, I know, you childless people like to think we are ALL these LOUSY PARENTS that you WONDERFUL people must all save, but the fact of the matter is, MOST parents ARE GOOD PARENTS who WANT to be parents. So why don't you go away and organize a soup kitchen.....I am laughing at you............

      December 2, 2010 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
    • mslman71

      I suppose he never took a moment to consider his parents were, by his own definition, bumbling fools. Of course, he further assumes that having children somehow precludes one from doing great things. Einstein, Feynman, Dirac, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, etc. - all bumbling fools.

      December 2, 2010 at 15:05 | Report abuse |
    • John10111

      Valerie, "future generations" ? The world would go on babies were shuffled in hospitals without anyone's knowledge. 500 years from now, raising kids 1) will be a paid job, 2) done by those who want to do it, and 3) those who have completed parenting certification and training classes. Raising kids will also be done according to genetic selection (no one with defective/diseased genes will be allowed to breed) and seeing if there are enough Resources on Earth to support that child. So it wont be as simple as it is right now: any dysfunctional druggie can have as many kids as they like. Dysfunction is a very gray area ranging from mild to extreme. Thats why I mentioned "parental certification and training classes". No one here is saying that no one should have kids.

      December 2, 2010 at 15:46 | Report abuse |
    • youareclueless

      @Valerie – Sweetheart, if you were truly concerned about the economy, you would have adopted a child out of the foster care system. Helping children who aren't your own, as OP does, also creates taxpayers by helping kids who would otherwise spend their whole lives in the cycle of poverty get out of that trap. Last time I checked we were not in any danger of running out of taxpayers-in fact, I believe the current unemployment rate dictates the exact opposite is true.

      Also, I hope someone else is educating your sons. It's could/would/should HAVE, not OF.

      December 2, 2010 at 16:05 | Report abuse |
    • Mary

      You know, I really don't get it. Why is someone better or worse of a person for having or not having children? As far as adopting, that is not something everyone is cut out for. We are all different with different needs, wants, deires, strengths, weaknesses. I chose not to have children. I have friends and family members who have children....some that have adopted. No family is perfect, and some have real problems. But that doesn't mean that the people who want children shouldn't have them. That does not make them bad, selfish or anything else. On the flip side, not having children does not make a person bad, selfish or anything else. No one thing is right for everyone. For those of you blasting others one way or another, you are certainly not getting your point across in any meaningful way. You sound selfrightous and closed minded.

      December 2, 2010 at 16:31 | Report abuse |
    • I.T Sucks

      Please dont compare most parents of today to anyone that mattered...please – you cant compare parenting today to what it used to be. The parents that are even trying have no influence over kids and the lovely little ones have more rights than that of the parents. Discipline doesnt exist today in a manner that makes a difference.
      So yes, (not saying everyone is) but todays parents to a large degree are bumbling and largely Fumbling

      December 3, 2010 at 09:59 | Report abuse |
    • Wow

      "Sweetheart" lol
      Brassed off females are funny sometimes

      December 3, 2010 at 10:11 | Report abuse |
    • Leah

      So true Anti-Self-Centredness.

      Selflessness isn't giving to and caring for your children, you are biologically programmed to do that, and it isn't strictly for their good, it's to ensure that your own genes are passed on to yet another generation. Everything you do for your children is essentially 'selfish' in the sense that you are simply furthering your own genes.

      Selflessness is giving to and caring for people when it in no way benefits you or the furtherance of your genes. That can be done by both childfree people and parents.

      December 3, 2010 at 10:58 | Report abuse |
    • mslman71

      IT –

      Really? You sound like Plato - "kids these days." You speak of parenting as if the average applies to the individual, or that your filtered and biased global observations (ala CNN) and the handful of local observations can be extrapolated to apply to every individual. There have been, are, and always will be bad parents, average parents, and good parents. There is NOTHING intrinsically better about yesterday than today. The decline of morality and society has been the lament of every generation for all of human history.

      December 3, 2010 at 12:22 | Report abuse |
    • Buster Bloodvessel

      People who can't tell children from turds should never reproduce, and when they do, it's better if their kids don't grow up. We have enough psychos in this world already.

      December 3, 2010 at 12:36 | Report abuse |
  34. Mark

    Oh man....I thought I was fooling everyone. But, alas you and your "scientific" studies have foiled my ruse.....PURE GENUIS!! Yep. you're right.....I created a child for the sole reason of having a place to come back to when I get old. Please, please tell me where I can find this "common sense" you refer to (and these "scientific" studies you're so hung up on).

    "Taking care of another human being is stressful". Excuse me, what would you know about taking care of another human being. You already admitted you don't have kids and don't want them. John....taking care of the little boy inside of you doesn't count, sorry.

    Actually, not that it's any of your business, but I didn't DECIDE to have kids. It's just a funny thing. After having "marital relations" with my wife these things just sort of happended. Go figure. But I wasn't disappointed. I was thinking a lot of things while I was standing beside my wife during her labor, but I can honestly say that one of those things wasn't....
    "come on Honey, please do this so we can have a place to come back to when we're old".............geez, give me a break dude.

    December 2, 2010 at 14:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • John10111

      "After having "marital relations" with my wife these things just sort of happened. " - When you live life without really thinking about what kind of decisions to take and why, then you've lived a blind life. Anyone can do that. Alright let me ask you: What good has come out of you having kids? How EXACTLY are you better off than someone who doesnt have kids? Notice the word "exactly".

      December 2, 2010 at 15:10 | Report abuse |
    • I.T Sucks

      Well one of the benefits is no $ex...oh wait
      Another benefit is the $200000 debt from having a kid thru to age 18...oh wait...
      Hmm...theres always the benefit of having that stupid sticker in a window saying something about an "honor student"...oh wait, nobody cares..
      This isnt as easy as I thought it would be.
      Ohh ohh, theres the thought that the kid will trash the car when she/he turns 16...crud, thats no good either.
      Well if nothing else, there is always the very likely possibility that the kid will hate the parent(s) for the next 25 years...
      Are there any benefits of having kids that a dog cant provide?
      Dogs wont crash the car or hate you for 25 years. No dopey bumber stickers needed. No college tuition to bankrupt you for dogs either.
      See??? Kids ruin everything to some degree. Most domestic animals will always be happy to see you and wont drive you to drink.

      December 3, 2010 at 09:53 | Report abuse |
    • Smith

      Amen Mark, you sound like a paster I know... we are thankful for people like you!!

      January 21, 2011 at 14:09 | Report abuse |
  35. peter

    enough of se x talk all the time! How about saying, let's not have promiscuous s#x that spreads STDs and causes unwanted pregnancies causing grandparents to take care of babies in their retirement years. driving loads of people into the welfare system. There are so many ills to society caused by rampant se x, that we should be doingthe opposite, telling people to not have it. se x is a biological impulse that cant be driven away.. but for heavens sake, can't we can try to be responsible about it??

    December 2, 2010 at 14:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Roxanna

    If you want a successful marriage don't have children, if you want children don't have, don't expect a successful or lasting marriage. And if you are a woman particularly, expect infidelity. I know of so many married couples with children, who would best describe themselves post-children as "roomates" in a parental business arrangement rearing children.
    Personally you could not pay me enough to have a child. I would choose death over the burden of raising a child. I care way too much about myself, and my body to put myself through that trianwreck. And for what? Because society says so? Everyone has the biological capacity to have children, it's really quite a simple (Unless of course you don't have functioning reproductive organs, etc.). I think it's far more admirable to make a conscious decision not to further overpopulate an unsustainable planet. I never understood the mentality of women who "trap" men into marriage with children-the fastest way to LOSE a man, perhaps gain a paycheck is all. And that's really ambitious and respectable.
    Most people will disagree with my views because they're in the very predicament I'm describing- bitter and resentful-and in denial...because really, once you have them you're pretty much stuck taking care of them, while your husband/bf/etc. is out fancying other women (most likely childless)

    December 2, 2010 at 17:44 | Report abuse | Reply
    • I.T Sucks

      I love the thought of how many folks want to reply to this and curse you out for thinking that way but most of them will just sit and stew on it.
      The times are different than when our grandparents were having kids. Its unlikely that the woman will be able to stay at home and take care of the kid(s).

      December 3, 2010 at 09:45 | Report abuse |
    • Rick

      Totally..............totally.................totally AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      December 3, 2010 at 09:52 | Report abuse |
    • MeatPuppet

      I never understood the mentality of women who "trap" men into marriage with children-the fastest way to LOSE a man, perhaps gain a paycheck is all.

      Been there, done that—except for the marriage part. Once she got pregnant (through subterfuge—supposedly she was on the pill) the pressure to get married was very intense. "We need to give the child a name." was the argument. Fortunately, I wasn't continuously thinking with the wrong head and stayed single.

      December 3, 2010 at 11:02 | Report abuse |
  37. Jack K1

    Satisfaction with life before kids: good
    Satisfaction with life after kids: GREAT!
    Satisfaction with s ex before kids: bored
    Satisfaction with s ex after kids: I feel pretty lucky to get any at all

    December 2, 2010 at 19:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. FridayNight

    @Erica – your situation sounds like my parents. If he's really not helping at all you should just kick him out. I told my mom she should have left my dad ages ago b/c he treats her with such little respect. Staying with him just taught all of their children, myself included, that it's OK for men to dump on women. It took a lot of hard work for me to overcome that.

    @Katie – Crotchturd, really? I'm sure your mom thought of you that way every time she looked at you???

    I get so confused at the non-breeders statements and how derogatory they always are towards the breeders. It's quite hypocritical – if your own parents thought that way you wouldn't be here. I'm not saying non-breeders are selfish, they just cannot ever experience a level of selflessness that can only be achieved through child-rearing. You can volunteer all you want, but until you are responsible for the upbringing and welfare of a child from the moment they are born until they die, 24 hours a day, you cannot and will never know what it is like to give of yourself.

    btw – my 5 kids are totally awesome and no one could ever say a single thing to make me regret – even for a second – having any one of them! Could you say that about anything going on in your life?

    December 2, 2010 at 19:52 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jack K1

      I dunno – Mother Teresa (in spite of her name) didn't have any kids, and I thought she was pretty selfless anyway.

      December 2, 2010 at 20:29 | Report abuse |
    • Smileygirl

      @ Jack – you're absolutely right...Mother Theresa was EXTREMELY selfless....not too many other folks like her though.....great point though!

      December 2, 2010 at 20:52 | Report abuse |
    • Mary

      FridayNight, first, not all the comments by 'non-breeders' are not always derogatory. Please read my posts above. You seem to be the one making blanket statements.

      Second, you have no idea how other people feel, weather they have children or not. You cannot presume to know how selfless they feel or do not feel about having or not having children. Not all parents feel the same way you do...some really resent their children. There are plenty of drug addicts out there popping out kids like Pez dispensers that are not the least bit selfless. Many of them do it to get more welfare money.

      Third, I would NEVER want you to regret your children. You wanted children, had them and love them. That's really great.

      Fourth, we don't have to think just like out parents. If we always thought like our parents, we'd still have slavery in this country. We'd never move on or progress as a species. Having children was right for my parents. It's not for me. ]

      I respect your decision to have children, please respect my decision not to have them.

      December 2, 2010 at 22:26 | Report abuse |
    • Mok

      I have no kids and yes I can say my life is better for it – thanks for your concern.
      Now, go overpopulate the planet a bit more.

      December 3, 2010 at 08:52 | Report abuse |
  39. Dr Bill Toth

    Yes it happens and the cure is communication, respect and a regular babysitter for date nights.
    Live with Intention, DrBillToth.com/blog

    December 2, 2010 at 20:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. BIHT

    I'm love my husband. I'm thankful because he's a wonderful husband, father and provider. I'm thankful that we work on not becoming roommates because it's easy to do. I'm thankful for three wonderful boys and that we have the means to care for them. I'm thankful that we can teach them to be kind to others, help others and accept others even if you don't agree.

    Off topic I know.

    December 2, 2010 at 20:25 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Smileygirl

      totally on topic....great post.....and i'm totally giving you a woot woot!!!!! preachin' to the choir girl!!!! :o)

      December 2, 2010 at 20:50 | Report abuse |
  41. JJ

    $ex? All I can say is: I certainly hope the $ex life of other parent couples is better than what ours turned out to be....

    December 2, 2010 at 20:53 | Report abuse | Reply
    • BimmerBob

      I doubt it just turned out that way. You and your spouses made choices and chose priorities.

      December 3, 2010 at 12:32 | Report abuse |
  42. Nikki

    @Mary "You know, I really don't get it. Why is someone better or worse of a person for having or not having children?"

    Thank you. Simply having or not having children is not the only determining factor of a person's morality.

    Also, I love my parents and appreciate their irreplacable contributions to my life up to this point, but just because my parents had children doesn't mean that I have to have children. I just never understood the "Well if your parents hadn't had you..." argument. Yes, I would not be here right now but there are other things I can contribute to the world and I know, for me, being a parent would not be the best choice. I may feel differently about that in the future, but right now I can't imagine myself as a great parent.

    December 2, 2010 at 20:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Kamikaze

    My wife and I of 14 years and two children never had these problems.

    December 2, 2010 at 21:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Kevin

    The best solution after having kids and your wife has no desire for _ex much anymore is go to the bathroom alone and deal with it,while that can lead to resentment atleast your not laying in bed needing the releif a man needs and your wife and you are so tired anyway,so get it over with.women will never truly understand the dynamics of mens plumbing,women can go for years without but not a man.otherwords get it overwith without cheating during a shower and lock the door too!

    December 2, 2010 at 21:20 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. mr unknown

    being a parent is wonderful. if you dont have children thats fine too. but saying that they are a hinderance only goes for the person who has them. if u are not a giving or loving person or just feel that your "body" is too precious to give up. but we are put here to procreate. not sayin we should just screw all day and forget about daily life. but just to make a bigger kingdom. its really unnecessary to voice ur opinion about re-kindling a relationship flame if you OBVIOUSLY dont know what it feels like to go through what parents do. SO WHO CARES IF YOU DONT WANT KIDS! rap it up or get a snip and keep it to urself 🙂

    December 2, 2010 at 21:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Emma

    I never wanted kids until I accidentally got pregnant. Now I can't imagine my world without my incredible son who gives joy and happiness every day. And he's also completely wrecked my wallet, figure, and mind. At times I regret not having a single/ childfree life, and yet at the same time I also think how lucky I am. It's no walk in the park, and not for everyone, so don't judge me for having a kid and I won't judge you for not having them. To each their own.

    December 2, 2010 at 22:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. JustME

    It gets easier. You just have to learn how to live with quickies and scheduled intimacy. Most new moms aren't thinking about it that much because they are EXHAUSTED. You don't get back to pre-baby in 6 weeks. Not emotionally, not physically and not mentally. The only thing on your mind is sleep and more of it. No one can possibly conceive of how exhausting it is until you go through it. You don't get much restful sleep the last couple of months, then you go through labor and delivery, then they have the nerve to send you home with a newborn! There's no recovery period. Date night? How about sleep night? But it does get easier and you regain free time.

    December 2, 2010 at 22:16 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Marla Dean

      I had my babies at home, and I could barely wait three weeks before I was the one attacking my hubby!

      December 2, 2010 at 23:06 | Report abuse |
    • Oleg

      Alas not all man/women can get it up/lubricated on schedule or standing in a messy bathroom.

      December 3, 2010 at 19:04 | Report abuse |
  48. me

    This article makes me wonder how $exually compatible the author and his wife were before they had kids. Did he and his wife have similar libidos? Do they both put the same amount of importance on $ex in their relationship?

    December 2, 2010 at 22:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Marla Dean

    Wow, as the parent of five adult children and now a grandparent, I really have some disagreements with what I've seen written here.
    My biggest one is – DO let the baby sleep with you! I nursed ours, and they slept very soundly in our bed. It was easy to move a sleeping baby to a bassinet for a little "adult time".
    As a wife and mother, I was devoted to the babies, but I never forgot that without my love for that sweet man, I wouldn't have those babies. I always made time to let him know how much I loved him.
    As a nursing mom, I never went anywhere without my baby, even on "dates". We have a very sweet memory of our toddler slurping up escargot at a very fancy restaurant on our second anniversary, much to the amusement of all of the waiters. Family time can be both fun and romantic.
    All of our children are adults now, and some of them have their own children. We've been married 34 years now, and the love life is still great. Our motto is "This too, shall pass". Whether we were dealing with infants, toddlers, or teens, we knew that the stage would eventually pass.
    I've also been there to support him in his career and he supported me when I returned to teaching after raising the kids.
    We'll someday be that little old couple who still can't keep their hands off of each other.

    December 2, 2010 at 23:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • rbnlegend

      I only have one kid, but I agree about letting them sleep in your bed. No problems at all. When the baby is asleep in your bed, you have the rest of the house available to you. It's when they get older and and can wake up at any time and wander into the kitchen that you have to stay behind doors that can be locked.

      December 6, 2010 at 11:18 | Report abuse |
  50. Eric P

    Oh no! Not infidelity! ANYTHING BUT THAAAAAATTTT!!!!! LMAO

    December 3, 2010 at 00:22 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2

Leave a Reply to Dmoney


CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.