home
RSS
November 18th, 2010
08:21 AM ET

The Sexpert: Memo to women: Please stop faking!

As a sex therapist, my profession often makes for interesting, and sometimes awkward, dinner conversation. Not too long ago I was at a cocktail party, when a woman in her mid-30s descended upon me. “Quick” she said in hushed tones, “My husband’s getting me a drink. We only have a few seconds. How do I get him to read your book, ‘She Comes First,’ without hurting his feelings?”

But before I could respond, or even think about my response, her husband sauntered over, draped his arm around her shoulder and chimed in, “Hey, you’re the guy who writes those sex books, right? I have just one question for you: why didn’t you pick me to be your co-author? I could have given you some secrets – right honey?” We all laughed, and as I made awkward eye contact with the wife, it was clear that she was the one with the real secret and it was going to stay that way.  And she’s not alone.

According to the recently published National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior 85 percent of men said that their partner had experienced an orgasm during their most recent sexual event, while only 64 percent of women reported actually having had an orgasm. The implication: Lots of women are faking it—and getting away with it.  And as we know from the famous “I’ll have what she’s having” scene in "When Harry Met Sally," men are easily hoodwinked.

But yet for all our “orgasmic naiveté,” men are often the first to be blamed as the source of such female fraudulence. On a recent episode of “The Joy Behar Show” titled, “Is There an Orgasm Gap?” the general consensus among the all-female panel was that men need to be better educated about female sexuality, and that faking is a necessary byproduct of the male ego and protecting a guy’s self-esteem.

Personally, I don’t buy it. If a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If a woman fakes it and her partner thinks she is actually enjoying the sex, is her dissatisfaction really heard?

Don’t get me wrong: As a sex and relationships counselor I’m all for education. I do believe that men get too many of their ideas about female sexuality from porn. There’s no shortage of legitimate reasons why a woman might not experience an orgasm during sex. “Find me a women’s magazine whose cover doesn’t include screaming headlines about the 764 varieties of orgasm every woman is supposed to be having each time she has sex,” writes my colleague Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “In reality, life gets in the way—stress, depression, anxiety, body image, performance anxiety (women get it too), sleep deprivation, feeling rushed (women average roughly 10-30 minutes to orgasm), all interfere with orgasm. So sometimes women fake it.”

But is Emily justified in justifying the occasional “fake-out”?

According to her, faking isn’t evil; it’s often a well-intentioned safeguard for her partner’s ego. “A woman is less likely to have orgasms early in a relationship—her body needs time to learn to trust a new partner and to relax into the knowledge that he accepts and appreciates her body,” she writes. “At the same time, if a woman likes her partner, she wants him to feel good about the relationship. If orgasm is a way she can show him she’s enjoying it, but orgasm just isn’t there for her yet, faking it is a completely viable option—as long as it doesn’t become a habit.”

I have always tended to agree with Emily (and scores of other professionals) on the legitimacy of the occasional fake-out, but with this latest study it seems that faking has become the little white lie that’s amounted to a culturally accepted form of deception.

So I’m reversing my opinion: Faking every now and then is not OK. Sure, talking about sex can be difficult; sure it’s easier to spare one’s feelings; and sure there are men who will respond defensively—but none of that actually justifies lying. Every time a woman fakes it for a legitimate reason, she undermines that legitimacy and loses an opportunity to communicate with her partner and deepen his understanding of their relationship.

And remember, ladies, what goes around comes around. As I wrote last week for this blog, more and more men are faking it too. So instead of faking it, let’s talk about sex. It isn’t always easy, but, in the end, not talking about sex is even harder. And for all the moaning and groaning, faking the big O is just a big conversation-stopper.

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.


soundoff (949 Responses)
  1. repair near me

    I love reading through an article that can make men and women think. Also, thank you for allowing for me to comment!

    http://umbraco.realeflow.com/108514?url=https://ocrvandtrucks.com/rv-repair-shop-yorba-linda-california

    May 14, 2021 at 14:07 | Report abuse | Reply
  2. solar paint and body

    http://ts.videosz.com/out.php?cid=101&aid=102&nis=0&srid=392&url=http://ocrvmotorsports.biz

    May 14, 2021 at 15:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  3. vinyl wrap for rv

    https://www.fens.org/EPiServerMail/Public/CheckLink.aspx?url=http://ocrv.org

    May 14, 2021 at 16:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. Maserati 2017 Models

    It’s nearly impossible to find knowledgeable people in this particular topic, however, you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks

    http://biyougeka.esthetic-esthe.com/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=848&url=https://www.club-maserati.com

    May 14, 2021 at 17:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  5. Phoenix Optometrist

    Very good blog post. I definitely appreciate this site. Keep writing!

    http://mx2.radiant.net/Redirect/arizonasvision.com

    May 14, 2021 at 22:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. nearby home for sale

    http://fishbiz.seagrant.uaf.edu/click-thru.html?url=https://meganleary.com

    May 14, 2021 at 22:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. houses for sale rathdrum

    https://hammer.if.tv/cgi/search/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=2613&url=https://meganleary.com/

    May 15, 2021 at 00:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. Maserati Rental Miami

    That is a great tip particularly to those new to the blogosphere. Brief but very accurate information… Thank you for sharing this one. A must read post!

    http://tamiroom.com/bbs/cafe.php?mode=node&id=936&page=1&home=https://club-maserati.com/

    May 15, 2021 at 07:44 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. esurance rv

    http://store.baberuthleague.org/changecurrency/1?returnurl=https://commercialrepairshop.com/

    May 15, 2021 at 08:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Eye Doctor Near Me Now

    http://www.trucktown.ru/go.php?https://arizonasvision.com

    May 15, 2021 at 08:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  11. trailer body repair near me

    https://www.adminer.org/redirect/?url=http://carsonrvexperience.com

    May 15, 2021 at 08:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Maserati Zagato

    After checking out a handful of the articles on your website, I honestly like your technique of writing a blog. I bookmarked it to my bookmark webpage list and will be checking back soon. Take a look at my website too and let me know what you think.

    http://bbs.tut-obmen.ru/redirect/?g=https://club-maserati.com

    May 15, 2021 at 10:46 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. Maserati Ghibli Msrp

    Great article! We are linking to this particularly great article on our website. Keep up the great writing.

    http://the-mall.org/ys_shop/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=5395&url=https://www.club-maserati.com

    May 15, 2021 at 11:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  14. tv repair orange county ca

    I really like reading through an article that will make people think. Also, thanks for permitting me to comment!

    https://www.sports-ranking.com/search/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=7&url=https://fleetservicerepairshop.com/

    May 15, 2021 at 14:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. Lasik Eye Surgery Phoenix

    This website was... how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I've found something which helped me. Thanks!

    https://cartridges.planetark.org/r/www.arizonasvision.com/

    May 15, 2021 at 14:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. house for sale post falls idaho

    Hello, I think your site could be having internet browser compatibility problems. When I take a look at your web site in Safari, it looks fine however, if opening in IE, it has some overlapping issues. I simply wanted to provide you with a quick heads up! Aside from that, fantastic site!

    http://www.guozhenlai.com/link.php?url=https://meganleary.com/

    May 15, 2021 at 14:33 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Arizona Eye Care

    An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a colleague who had been conducting a little homework on this. And he actually bought me lunch because I discovered it for him... lol. So let me reword this.... Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending some time to talk about this topic here on your web page.

    http://www.syuriya.com/ys4/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=415&url=http://www.arizonasvision.com

    May 15, 2021 at 16:35 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. Social Media Marketing Santa Ana

    https://dp.do/redir?http://www.affordableranking.com

    May 15, 2021 at 22:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. aika online private server download

    Everything is very open with a very clear clarification of the challenges. It was really informative. Your website is useful. Thanks for sharing!

    https://www.triathlon.org/?URL=www.aikareborn.com/forums/the-salt-mines.53/

    May 16, 2021 at 02:32 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. Social Media Marketing Company Irvine

    https://macbanlaw.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=affordableranking.com

    May 16, 2021 at 04:54 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. Seo Marketing Help

    Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this article plus the rest of the site is also very good.

    http://lakepowellhomes.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=www.affordableranking.com

    May 16, 2021 at 04:55 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. aika online gameplay

    http://trk.inboxarmy.com/?url=http://aikareborn.com/

    May 16, 2021 at 09:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  23. windshield repair around me

    Your style is very unique in comparison to other folks I've read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you've got the opportunity, Guess I'll just bookmark this blog.

    /

    May 16, 2021 at 10:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. rv upgrade store

    /

    May 16, 2021 at 11:37 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. 2019 Maserati Quattroporte Gts Gransport

    Right here is the right blog for everyone who wishes to understand this topic. You know so much its almost tough to argue with you (not that I really will need to…HaHa). You certainly put a new spin on a topic which has been written about for ages. Wonderful stuff, just great!

    http://healthyschools.com/commpost/HStransition.asp?urlrefer=https://maseratiforum.net

    May 16, 2021 at 18:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. Repair Sprinter Freightliner

    There's certainly a lot to know about this issue. I love all the points you made.

    https://office.builderall.com/us/franchise/share/1504715/?p1=rd&p2=http://sprintervanrepairshop.com/windshield-replacement-shop-near-me/

    May 16, 2021 at 19:03 | Report abuse | Reply
  27. Chevy Van Repair Panels

    Good site you've got here.. It’s difficult to find high-quality writing like yours these days. I truly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!

    http://uonuma-kome.com/link/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=370&url=ocrvfleetservices.com/high-top-van-repair-shop-near-me/

    May 16, 2021 at 23:17 | Report abuse | Reply
  28. Diesel Sprinter Repair Near Me

    I blog quite often and I seriously appreciate your information. The article has really peaked my interest. I will book mark your blog and keep checking for new details about once a week. I subscribed to your RSS feed as well.

    http://tours.imagemaker360.com/Viewer/Feature/Schools.asp?URL=https://fleetautorepairshop.com/truck-dent-repair-shop-near-me/

    May 17, 2021 at 00:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  29. Authorized Sprinter Repair Shop

    http://adventuresonly.com/redirecthandler.ashx?url=https://ocrvfleetservices.com/city-bus-repair-shop-near-me

    May 17, 2021 at 02:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Mercedes Benz Sprinter Repair Shops Near Me

    https://www.portalfarma.com/paginas/redirigir.aspx?redirect=https://fleetvehiclerepairshop.com/limo-van-repair-shop-near-me

    May 17, 2021 at 03:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. 2011 Mercedes Sprinter Rv Repair

    http://uhr.rutgers.edu/download/135?url=http://sprintervanrepairshop.com/box-truck-frame-repair-shop-near-me/

    May 17, 2021 at 03:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. Mb Sprinter Blind Spot Detection Repair

    http://www.center.quilt.idv.tw/uchome/link.php?url=http://www.fleetservicesorangecounty.com/kenworth-truck-repair-shop-near-me/

    May 17, 2021 at 04:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. Mercedes Sprinter Repair Near Me W Ratings

    When I initially left a comment I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment. There has to be a means you can remove me from that service? Thanks!

    http://p-bandai.jp/access/www.fleetservicesocrv.com/semi-truck-dent-repair-shop-near-me/

    May 17, 2021 at 04:24 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Authorized Mercedes Sprinter Service Centers Near Me

    http://webstolica.ru/go.php?link=https://boxtruckrepairshop.com/transport-truck-repair-shop-near-me/

    May 17, 2021 at 04:26 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. Sprinter Van Conversion Computer Repair

    https://api.nanigans.com/target.php?app_id=75308&nan_pid=1816769838&target=http://fleetrepairshops.com/box-truck-wrap-shop-near-me/

    May 17, 2021 at 06:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. 2019 Maserati Granturismo Msrp

    The next time I read a blog, I hope that it won't fail me just as much as this one. After all, I know it was my choice to read, but I truly believed you would probably have something helpful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of complaining about something you could fix if you were not too busy searching for attention.

    https://www.mariesdip.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=maseratiforum.net

    May 17, 2021 at 06:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. 2010 Sprinter Seat Belt Buckle Repair

    http://www.demo.cloudhostedresources.com/?id=7cde069d28fee9161e9475b01c2cf8cf&fullscreen=1&task=get&url=https://fleetservicesorangecounty.com/rv-wrap-shop-near-me

    May 17, 2021 at 10:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  38. Mercedes Benz Sprinter Repair 19444

    This website was... how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I've found something that helped me. Many thanks!

    http://www.bbs.tut-obmen.ru/redirect/?g=https://commercialrepairshop.com/truck-body-shop-near-me

    May 17, 2021 at 12:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. Cecilia Lion & Maserati

    That is a very good tip especially to those fresh to the blogosphere. Brief but very precise info… Appreciate your sharing this one. A must read post!

    https://consultaca.com/redir/?ca=12115&url=https://maseratis.net/

    May 17, 2021 at 22:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. oc ac repair

    I used to be able to find good advice from your blog posts.

    http://www.vets.ne.jp/cgi/jump_link.cgi?URL=https://ocrvcenter.com/

    May 18, 2021 at 02:52 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. oc fleet

    https://www.ehso.com/ehsord.php?URL=https://ocrvcenter.com

    May 18, 2021 at 04:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. horse trailer paint colors

    Right here is the perfect website for everyone who wants to find out about this topic. You realize a whole lot its almost tough to argue with you (not that I personally would want to…HaHa). You definitely put a fresh spin on a topic which has been written about for decades. Wonderful stuff, just wonderful!

    https://10lowkey.us/UCH/link.php?url=https://ocrvcenter.com

    May 18, 2021 at 09:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. what is an autoclave used for in hairdressing

    Great info. Lucky me I came across your site by accident (stumbleupon). I have book marked it for later!

    http://1000love.net/lovelove/link.php?url=http://cosmetologisthub.com/

    May 18, 2021 at 15:06 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Senior Care

    http://www.sys.labaq.com/cli/go.php?s=lbac&p=1410jt&t=02&url=http://www.assistedlivingseniorcarepalmdesert.com/

    May 18, 2021 at 18:14 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Forklift Repair California

    I needed to thank you for this excellent read!! I absolutely enjoyed every bit of it. I've got you book-marked to look at new things you post…

    https://islulu.com/link.php?url=https://wildwestlifttrucks.com/

    May 18, 2021 at 22:45 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. Optometrist Nearby

    http://adnet.infonet.com.br/get/ad.dll/click?codigo=2259&secao=460&url=http://arizonasvision.com

    May 18, 2021 at 23:48 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. Maserati Dallas

    Having read this I believed it was very enlightening. I appreciate you spending some time and energy to put this content together. I once again find myself personally spending a lot of time both reading and posting comments. But so what, it was still worth it!

    http://www3.famille.ne.jp/~ykad/cgi-bin/search/ykrank.cgi?mode=link&id=51&url=https://maseratiforum.net

    May 19, 2021 at 01:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Eye Optometrist Near Me

    Hi, I do believe this is a great website. I stumbledupon it 😉 I will return yet again since i have bookmarked it. Money and freedom is the best way to change, may you be rich and continue to help other people.

    http://media.vol.at/weiterleitung/redirect.asp?id=http://sunglasseseyedoctorsoptometristphoenixaz.com/

    May 19, 2021 at 02:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Content Marketing Quote

    I need to to thank you for this excellent read!! I absolutely enjoyed every little bit of it. I have you book-marked to check out new things you post…

    http://koromo.co.jp/files/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=1260&url=https://www.bestservicenearme.com/

    May 19, 2021 at 03:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. Content Marketing Jobs

    http://gomag.com/?id=73&aid=&cid=&move_to=https://masternearme.com

    May 19, 2021 at 03:19 | Report abuse | Reply
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Post a comment


 

CNN welcomes a lively and courteous discussion as long as you follow the Rules of Conduct set forth in our Terms of Service. Comments are not pre-screened before they post. You agree that anything you post may be used, along with your name and profile picture, in accordance with our Privacy Policy and the license you have granted pursuant to our Terms of Service.

Advertisement
About this blog

Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.