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November 18th, 2010
08:21 AM ET

The Sexpert: Memo to women: Please stop faking!

As a sex therapist, my profession often makes for interesting, and sometimes awkward, dinner conversation. Not too long ago I was at a cocktail party, when a woman in her mid-30s descended upon me. “Quick” she said in hushed tones, “My husband’s getting me a drink. We only have a few seconds. How do I get him to read your book, ‘She Comes First,’ without hurting his feelings?”

But before I could respond, or even think about my response, her husband sauntered over, draped his arm around her shoulder and chimed in, “Hey, you’re the guy who writes those sex books, right? I have just one question for you: why didn’t you pick me to be your co-author? I could have given you some secrets – right honey?” We all laughed, and as I made awkward eye contact with the wife, it was clear that she was the one with the real secret and it was going to stay that way.  And she’s not alone.

According to the recently published National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior 85 percent of men said that their partner had experienced an orgasm during their most recent sexual event, while only 64 percent of women reported actually having had an orgasm. The implication: Lots of women are faking it—and getting away with it.  And as we know from the famous “I’ll have what she’s having” scene in "When Harry Met Sally," men are easily hoodwinked.

But yet for all our “orgasmic naiveté,” men are often the first to be blamed as the source of such female fraudulence. On a recent episode of “The Joy Behar Show” titled, “Is There an Orgasm Gap?” the general consensus among the all-female panel was that men need to be better educated about female sexuality, and that faking is a necessary byproduct of the male ego and protecting a guy’s self-esteem.

Personally, I don’t buy it. If a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If a woman fakes it and her partner thinks she is actually enjoying the sex, is her dissatisfaction really heard?

Don’t get me wrong: As a sex and relationships counselor I’m all for education. I do believe that men get too many of their ideas about female sexuality from porn. There’s no shortage of legitimate reasons why a woman might not experience an orgasm during sex. “Find me a women’s magazine whose cover doesn’t include screaming headlines about the 764 varieties of orgasm every woman is supposed to be having each time she has sex,” writes my colleague Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “In reality, life gets in the way—stress, depression, anxiety, body image, performance anxiety (women get it too), sleep deprivation, feeling rushed (women average roughly 10-30 minutes to orgasm), all interfere with orgasm. So sometimes women fake it.”

But is Emily justified in justifying the occasional “fake-out”?

According to her, faking isn’t evil; it’s often a well-intentioned safeguard for her partner’s ego. “A woman is less likely to have orgasms early in a relationship—her body needs time to learn to trust a new partner and to relax into the knowledge that he accepts and appreciates her body,” she writes. “At the same time, if a woman likes her partner, she wants him to feel good about the relationship. If orgasm is a way she can show him she’s enjoying it, but orgasm just isn’t there for her yet, faking it is a completely viable option—as long as it doesn’t become a habit.”

I have always tended to agree with Emily (and scores of other professionals) on the legitimacy of the occasional fake-out, but with this latest study it seems that faking has become the little white lie that’s amounted to a culturally accepted form of deception.

So I’m reversing my opinion: Faking every now and then is not OK. Sure, talking about sex can be difficult; sure it’s easier to spare one’s feelings; and sure there are men who will respond defensively—but none of that actually justifies lying. Every time a woman fakes it for a legitimate reason, she undermines that legitimacy and loses an opportunity to communicate with her partner and deepen his understanding of their relationship.

And remember, ladies, what goes around comes around. As I wrote last week for this blog, more and more men are faking it too. So instead of faking it, let’s talk about sex. It isn’t always easy, but, in the end, not talking about sex is even harder. And for all the moaning and groaning, faking the big O is just a big conversation-stopper.

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.


soundoff (1,053 Responses)
  1. Amanda

    i've never faked it and i wont fake it.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:21 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Robin

      I highly doubt that. At some point in a woman's life they do fake it. Whether it's an orgasm or just a sound because you think your partner likes the sound of it, every woman does it. Lets not pussyfoot here. I have faked it. But I too also have put my foot down and said either do it this way or I'm not going to get off...Just don't try to look superior and lie about it Amanda..

      November 18, 2010 at 13:39 | Report abuse |
    • Amanda

      @Robin. sorry hunny i wont fake it. if they aren't doing it right i'll make sure they know it. so i don't pussyfoot around anything nor do i lie.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:42 | Report abuse |
  2. Joe in Colorado

    In our relationship, I'm definitely the one faking it. She initializes sex about 95% of the time and gets there very quickly. I suffer from delayed ejac–, get rock hard in about half a second and stay that way, but it takes a good hour to get "there". So I just fake it about halfway through so I can get some sleep.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:23 | Report abuse | Reply
    • WTF in WI

      Joe, maybe you are into guys and are in the closet?

      November 18, 2010 at 13:29 | Report abuse |
  3. LG

    If we stop faking it the sex will never end! Not only that, it would end weird.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:25 | Report abuse | Reply
  4. A wife

    My partner's ego is shattered if I do not orgasm, so I have learned to fake it. I have tried telling him numerous times that it is not necessary for me to have an orgasm, nor is it necessary for him to have one (I don't expect either). I have told him that there are times I am exhausted, and while my mind is willing, my body doesn't seem to be able. However, if I do not fake it, he will literally "keep at it" all night until I do, ending in painful consequences for me. We have talked and talked, but he still thinks it should be like a porn film and I have to have some earth-shattering orgasm. This has severely affected our sex life because after a while, it begins to feel more like an assault than making love, and I have made excuses to not have sex with him.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:27 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Emmaleah

      I've been there and it's dreadful–it can lead to permanent damage to the body as well as the mind. I hope you can get your husband into couples therapy or get him to read some books on intimate relationships. An orgasm is nothing more than muscle contractions and blood flow and nerve responses. It's just a reaction, like sneezing or yawning.

      I'm sorry that he's tormenting you with his obvious anxiety and need for control. It can completely destroy a relationship, because your opinion and your emotions are irrelevant in a situation where they should be the main factors, along with his feelings. Maybe planning ahead *not* to have an orgasm–for either of you–would help change some of his feelings about the importance of the orgasm, but he sounds fairly deeply entrenched in this mythology.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:33 | Report abuse |
    • WTF in WI

      A Wife- from a husband who was similar to yours for a long time- here is a suggestion- get aggressive with him. My wife broke me of the habit by putting me in situations where I only had a few minutes to be done (outdoors, parties, between kids functions, etc.) For a man, it is diffcult to get used to the " I am not grading you on your performance" thought process. One thing is for sure, holding out on sex will get you cheated on.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:43 | Report abuse |
    • Emmaleah

      @WTFinWI

      Threatening a woman with infidelity if she isn't sexually available is... well, threatening a woman for not being sexually available. Coercion is wrong and removes the possibility of true consent. It also destroys intimacy, which is the real point of sexual activity in a marriage. "A wife" is avoiding sex to avoid physical injury. That's not witholding sex. That's not putting your hand on a stove–no one should be criticized for that.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:18 | Report abuse |
    • Laura

      Demand he go to therapy with or without you, or end it now. That is a nightmare no woman should have to endure.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:53 | Report abuse |
  5. Bill The Hermit

    Well, I don't orgasm 100% of the time with my wife, and she hasn't always with me. Just seems to be the way it goes sometimes. I can enjoy sex without having an orgasm. So can she. Guess we must not be normal from the implications of this article.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  6. God

    All humans lie. It's part of being human. Nothing new or even appalling about it.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:28 | Report abuse | Reply
  7. Emmaleah

    I'm with all the others who have experienced that their male partners will have a tantrum if they don't want sex, and a tantrum if they don't orgasm. That sometimes changes as men mature, but sometimes it doesn't. Women are guilty of the same thing, though. I know some of those women and they make me want to pull my own hair out in annoyance.

    However, in relationships where intimacy is the end-game, not orgasm, it all becomes irrelevant. An orgasm is just a nice piece of scenery that you wouldn't miss if it weren't there, because the whole trip is so fulfilling. Yes, sex drive and orgasms are biological realities, but they can be tended to at any time, by anyone. If you're focused on being completely open and uncensored with your partner, the intimate time is great, and any discussion of what you'd prefer or not is no longer charged with anxiety.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:28 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Indri

      Fabulous response!

      November 18, 2010 at 13:35 | Report abuse |
  8. NSP

    Well, be good at what you're doing and we wouldn't have to fake.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:29 | Report abuse | Reply
  9. Char464

    The female orgasm doesn't exist. I've had sex with MANY women, not one of them has had an orgasm. What does that tell you?

    November 18, 2010 at 13:33 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JenniPoohBear

      That you suck at s3x. It also tells us that you have the mentality of a ten year old and shouldn't be having s3x at all in the first place. Idiot.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:38 | Report abuse |
  10. Indri

    I'm a woman who swings both ways, so I am sensitive to both what men go through having sex with women and vice versa. It's exhausting watching one blame the other when there are so many social challenges to really satisfying sex! Sure, men don't always know as much about women's bodies and responses as they could, but there are valid reasons for that–not just porn (and, for that matter, non-porn movies that show perfect, mind-blowing sex every time), but the counterproductive ways women are taught to talk to men about sex. Guys, pick up a women's magazine sometime if you want to see what I mean–I think you'll find the sex advice ludicrous if not insulting; a lot of it is about "training" men as though you were dogs. And far too many women do not tell men what works and what doesn't, leaving other women farther down a man's sexual timeline seriously frustrated, believe me.

    But ditto the advice men get, and apparently give each other. I saw that one of the men's magazines has a article right now titled "Sex She'll Thank You For." I should have bought it to find out for myself whether it addressed the one thing every woman I've talked to about this agrees on, and I didn't; I'm sorry, bad researcher. Yes, I'm talking about oral. The sex act that is apparently very prevalent among the youth of today (right, we weren't doing it before?), but in one direction only, girls on boys. Dudes! The numbers consistently support that women are much more likely to orgasm from either oral alone or oral plus intercourse than intercourse alone, no matter how long you poke at it. Yet this is a thing a lot of men don't seem keen on. I'm sympathetic to that–as mentioned, I've been there–and yes, it takes practice and stamina and it is, comparatively speaking, more complex than going down on a guy (although not always as physically uncomfortable). But I'm spoken to so many women who have the clearest, happiest sexual memories of the guys who went down. Especially the ones who were really into it, and didn't have to be asked.

    Here's a big hint: if she has to keep asking for something, whether it's a specific activity or just an adjustment ("lighter", "slower", "harder along that side") and she's not getting it, she'll stop asking, and she'll start getting resentful. It is very hard for women to speak up, so if a woman you're with does tell you what she wants or how, buddy, really listen. Write it down if you have to. I am dead serious about this. We're taught early and often that it is not ladylike to ask for what you really want, even if it's not always phrased that way, and it's harder to overcome than you might think.

    The other thing I've noticed is that nobody seems to be telling men that women are not only different from each other, but different over time. I know this is a pain, but where we are in our menstrual cycle alone is going to make for differences in how we respond and what we like, not to mention stress, how rested we are, all that jazz. Yes, men vary sexually, but in my experience, not as much from individual to individual and certainly not as much from day to day. Some women, wow, on Sunday biting their ear is the best thing ever, and then on Tuesday you'll get slapped for it. If you're going into sex with a "I've learned everything that works and it will work every time" mentality, women can be infinitely frustrating. Believe me, I know this one from both sides. The guy who told me, "I don't understand why you're not coming, because my last girlfriend came every time"? Yeah, RIGHT she did, and there is an argument right there for women not faking orgasm, because it creates a mess of trouble for the next woman that man is with. If you treat your sex life with a particular woman as a constantly-evolving dance, things are much more pleasurable for everyone.

    One last point. I think that sometimes all the moaning and thrashing a woman does may seem like an orgasm, but isn't; I wonder if some women are getting blamed for faking when they're not? Certain signals that a woman has climaxed–the flush, for example–are more subtle than most of us are looking out for when we're sexed-up ourselves. Sometimes you just don't know unless you ask, and boy, that can be uncomfortable. I don't think it's fair for women to expect men to know whether or not they've come, or to put all the responsibility for their orgasm on their partner. There's nothing unladylike about a woman lending a hand, as it were, and sometimes that's really hot. I think sometimes men–especially younger, less experienced ones–take that as a negative comment on what they're doing. The fabulous thing (one of the many) about older men is that they're more likely to be okay with an extra hand or toy in play.

    Whew!

    November 18, 2010 at 13:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JB519

      That was more interesting than the article itself. Nice

      November 18, 2010 at 13:42 | Report abuse |
    • anon_1984

      You are a wonderful woman and your partners are infinitely lucky.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:49 | Report abuse |
    • Jim

      I love you.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:58 | Report abuse |
    • Emmaleah

      I couldn't agree more. In my experience, the best way to make sure that you have a good sexual encounter is to ask your partner how they're feeling, especially if you're the one doing the initiating. If you're initiating, it's likely that you're already just a layer of clothes away from being ready for sex.

      Men tend to generally have a steady set of needs that change modestly with stress and seasons and age. Women have really different needs depending on the time of the month. It's frustrating for us, too. That's why talking matters, which comes back around to intimacy.

      IME, nothing makes someone more likely to want to have sex like knowing there will be no negative consequences from them being honest, physically or emotionally. When sex has no ill-effects, then it's easy to have, and easy to initiate. It's even easy to be "in the mood" on short notice, because it's all good. That kind of confidence also makes you really close to your partner.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:37 | Report abuse |
    • Jack Love

      Wow! Nice response!

      November 18, 2010 at 14:49 | Report abuse |
    • Gabe

      Excellent! More bi women should go into sex counseling. Talk about the perfect skill set.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:53 | Report abuse |
    • JB519

      If only all the women posting on here had the same attitude as you, then the world would be an even more awesome place.....

      An unrelated note to Trish and other women frustrated at men not focusing on oral and stuff. In the words of the great lyricist lil wayne "I only go down if ya keep the grass cut". Seriously though, big time game stopper

      November 18, 2010 at 15:12 | Report abuse |
    • LindsayATX

      Wow...you really hit the nail right on the head. I'm a young college student and I completely agree with your point that most women are afraid to speak up, ask for certain things during sex. I personally have a difficult time confronting guys, in fear of turning them off by sounding like a demanding bitc.h and/or causing detriment to their ego. It's also hard to find a nice, young man who isn't just using you out of selfishness in order to fulfill his sexual needs.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:20 | Report abuse |
  11. WTF in WI

    From a male perspective to females- communicate. The reason "Johnny Jackhammer" wants to make you orgasm is because that is what drives us. If you cannot make us orgasm, odds are we wouldn't want to have sex with you. So instead of fearing the bedroom a having to fake it, be open and tell your partner that your goal is to only have orgasms 1/3 of the times you have sex, and you are ok with that. In fact challenge him to having orgasms in other ways that doesn't include your vagina and you will most likely see this come to fruition.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  12. Cornholio

    Does it really matter if a woman is faking ? Since when does a females opinion matter ? All that is a issue is whether or not I'm enjoying it and she does what she is suppose to do.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  13. Cynthia

    I did not know men could fake orgasm, are they talking about the emotion behind the action, what?

    November 18, 2010 at 13:35 | Report abuse | Reply
    • it's true

      Men that masturbate too much have a problem achieving orgasm when in the real deal. So they fake it so that the woman doesn't think they are doing something wrong. Usually she isn't. It's just that the man masturbates too much, and desensitizes himself.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:39 | Report abuse |
    • Michael

      No you can't fake ejaculation, but how many really check, is that my fluid, his, both? What can be faked is the intensity of the moment, the rapid breathing, the tensing up of muscles and the speed of thrusting...all usually indicators of impending orgasm. If they don't ask, I don't tell. Let her think I came three times, unless she asks. Never lie to your sexual partner.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:30 | Report abuse |
    • It's NOT true . . .

      Some men MAY have difficulty if they masturbate too much, but that's only a percentage. Many men are MORE likely to climax if they masturbate regularly–much like many women become MORE sexual and have greater desire if they have sex and masturbate more often. Everyone is different, and it's not a good idea to perpetuate generalizations and pass them off as typical.

      With regard to faking, I cannot do it with my wife. When an orgasm and ejaculation occur, it pops right back out like nothing she produces. It's a running joke. She hops up to go to the bathroom and half way there, she says "There it is!" or "Look at the mess you made!", all in good fun.

      I've never even considered faking, but there have been a few times where she was really focused on herself, and she thought I came with her. When she got up and nothing came out, she knew right away that I hadn't climaxed. I guess women are simply built differently and some can "hold the stuff" while others don't.

      November 19, 2010 at 00:39 | Report abuse |
  14. Raliegh

    mmm i love s*x. if i'm not gonna hit the big O i just let my partner know. no biggie. but if it keeps happening with the same partner i move on.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  15. true story

    My wife doesn't put out unless I rub her feet...

    November 18, 2010 at 13:36 | Report abuse | Reply
  16. forgivemebut

    Um...you actually have to have sex to fake it...The truth is there are more women in the US who just couldn't care about sex/lovemaking. Not important to them. As for their partners...too bad. Masturbation is the new norm.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Lingseed

    Let's all be real....men's egos are FAR too fragile, and tied into how they think they perfom in the bedroom, that if woman didn't fake now and then, it would be relationship disaster! What really needs to happen is for men to FINALLY grow-up, and stop placing 99% of their values in sex! Duh

    November 18, 2010 at 13:39 | Report abuse | Reply
  18. lcox

    Ladies, buy some Zestra and you won't have to fake it anymore!

    November 18, 2010 at 13:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  19. Douglas

    Bottome line: If she doesn't know how to have an orgasm, dump her. Seriously... even a Chimpanzee is intelligent enough to have an orgasm. Sheesh.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:40 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Trish

      Don't know how? Maybe the guy isn't inspiring enough? New flash as shole, your member is like a large c lit, if we were being continually stimulated like you were with se x we'd get off just as much. But a lot of men completely overlook a woman's needs and think vagin al se x for us feels the same as what they feel and that is so far from the truth.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:50 | Report abuse |
    • Douglas

      Hey sugar-shorts... we can't help it if your frigid. And your response explains why you can't have an orgasm (just admit it, already). If your stupid enough to respond to such an obvious troll, an orgasm must be a real stretch.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:57 | Report abuse |
  20. Biff Rockgroin

    When it's real, you sound stupid. When you're faking it, you sound stupid sounding stupid.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:42 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. Trish

    I have NEVER, EVER faked it. What is the point? The man should know you didn't get yours. If he doesn't want to put your first and make sure you have a good time, he should know he is inadequate in bed. I had a boyfriend once who asked me if I got off and I told him no he said his ex always did and I looked him straight in the face and told him she was probably faking most of the time. Men believe we feel what they do when they're inside us... WRONG. Women should know there is nothing wrong with them if they don't get off in the 5 minutes it takes their lover to get off, do not fake it!

    November 18, 2010 at 13:43 | Report abuse | Reply
  22. Bill

    I'm always confused by a woman who can't orgasm. Personally I "go" everytime I have sex. I can even make myself finish or not depending the situation. Why is it my job to control my orgasm and her's?! That's like back seat driving!

    This reminds me of some other double standards in men's and women's relationships.... i.e. the toilet seat!!! I have to put it up and down???!!! I think it is very admirable to put it up and avoid peeing all over the seat or toilet itself. But then I have to continue the generosity by putting it back down? Where is the compromise? Where is the balance? My big "O" and your big "O". Maybe ladies should start putting it up after they finish? I could easily put it back down for her. Or plain and simple we each learn to do with it at as we should before doing the deed. If it's down when you go, then bonus! If it's up when I go, then bonus! Let's worry more about the really important stuff. Like Threesomes!

    November 18, 2010 at 13:47 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Trish

      You are confused because you don't know anything about the female body. When you stick your member inside a woman, guess what, it doesn't feel for us what it feels for you. Your member is like a large c-lit and you get yours constantly stimulated. If a woman's c-lit was getting that we'd get off as well. Vag-inal sex does NOT feel as good for a lot of females as if does for you. A huge majority of women can't get off with vag-inal sex. Bring in a vib-rator or *good* tongue action and help a girl out.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:56 | Report abuse |
    • JB519

      Bill, you hit the nail on the head with your last two sentences.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:56 | Report abuse |
  23. bbuddy94

    Its evidence of men lying not woman faking. Men don't want to admit that their woman isn't getting off.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:49 | Report abuse | Reply
  24. The Truth

    Women want it all, Men can't give this to them so therefore Women are screwed.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:50 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. Brandy

    I have a strict "no faking" policy with any partner I am with. Why reinforce bad behavior? If I'm not feeling what he's doing, I speak up or better yet *show* him what works for me. This expecting guys to read our minds about our OWN pleasure is BS. And trust me, most guys love being shown how to pleasure their woman better since it shows she's taking an active interest in their sex life. I think one of the worst things you can do for yourself and your partner is to lay there and fake it. Both people deserve better communication than that.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Indri

      Bingo! I wouldn't even call it bad behavior, though, even if that's exactly what it is in some cases. Because in a lot more cases, it's simply that men don't know how to do something, and they may just as shy about asking for feedback as women are about giving it. An earlier poster said that either you're naturally good at sex or you're not, which is patently untrue; being a good (or at least better) lover can be learned. Why we don't get this in school instead of the boring subjects we do get... 🙂

      November 19, 2010 at 05:07 | Report abuse |
  26. Matt

    Self-centered male here. I dont care if female has one as I get mine and move on.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Buster Bloodvessel

      Don't worry, Matt. It will happen one day. You just need to meet the right girl.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:23 | Report abuse |
  27. Kris

    I have never faked it, but I have definitely thought about it. Men don't know when you truly have orgasmed. I'm like, it just happened and they are none the wiser. They go off how loud you are and that final release sound you may make. Other than that, they can't tell. When you don't climax they get very annoyed, or at least bothered. I have heard that women should tell the guy how she likes to be pleased, but men act like you're treating them like an idiot. I honestly think that a lot of women have been faking it and that is why men are taken aback or surprised that their girl has not climaxed after 5 minutes or so. Geez, I wonder why. Girls faking it ruins it for women who don't.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Trish

      I couldn't agree more. My ex thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't get off sometimes... but he wasn't doing anything to excite me. I'm convinced men believe vag-inal s e x feels over the top amazing for us like it does for them, when it has been shown a large majority of women can't get off with vag-inal s e x and they need direct c-lit stimulation. I tried explaining it to a couple guy friends. I told them to take their hand and constantly rub their arm with it... after a few seconds I told them that is what vag-inal sex feels like for a lot of women, as in there is no intense, overwhelming sensation, just the feeling of rubbing. And I told them they MUST concentrate on the c-lit if they want a happy lover.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:03 | Report abuse |
  28. Jdawg78

    I agree that women should not fake orgasms. Everyone should be really open to there partners feelings and desires. I think porn movies are to blame for alot of men thinking they should be like rambo in the sack. A womans ability to orgasm is also directly linked to her emotions. If she is stressed from work or home life she probally will not acheive orgasm in the bedroom. I have been married to my wife for 10 years and have been together for 15. The one thing i have learned is that if you want a great sex life then you need to treat your girl right all day long. You can't be a jerk all day then expect to rock her out in the bed room later. It just will not work!! You have to keep her stress level down. If that means getting up off the couch and taking care of the kids or helping out in the house then do it!! You will find out it helps your relationship and will help out in the sack to.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Indri

      Your wife's a lucky woman!

      November 19, 2010 at 05:09 | Report abuse |
  29. Jim

    I fake orgasm when I am masturbating.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • phillth

      lmfao!!!!

      November 18, 2010 at 19:13 | Report abuse |
    • Indri

      Falling asleep on yourself, woof, that's embarrassing.

      November 19, 2010 at 05:11 | Report abuse |
  30. funny article

    Nonsense. I love it when she fakes it. I even posted an online personals add asking for women who are really really good at faking it. It's better to know the truth, and highly entertaining, and extremely fun for her as she enjoys acting outrageously. It was totally hilarious. One woman wrote back a long diatribe about how terrible of a person I was for wanting a woman that would fake orgasms for me, calling me every name in the book and how terrible I was etc etc etc. I emailed her back "Now THAT's more like it. That was a good one. Let's go out!" Ha ha ha . Oh, and faking it often leads to the real thing, and eventually makes real orgasms easier and better. I also think it is trite, to say that women fake it for their male partner's ego. That is shallow and cliche. There are many many deep and complex reasons to fake or not to fake. Women often desire just to feel a man coming inside of her, it fills a sexual desire beyond her own orgasm – just like women like it up the ass just because they like it. Other issues like esteem issues. Women "act" or over-act to fulfill a need to feel that they are sexy. Faking accomplishes that. These articles on sex and relationship are often so hackneyed, just repeating the same things all of the time without any true understanding or new ideas.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:56 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Indri

      There's something to this. A) if you're doing a big fake act with the screaming and so on, you're probably breathing in a way more conducive to orgasm and B) if it's truly a deliberate thing that both partners are having fun with, there might be laughing... which is a great thing in bed (unless, of course, it's mean and directed at some imagined inadequacy). I'm a big fan of laughing in bed–it's called sex play for a reason. Call it "sex work" and you're talking about something else altogether.

      November 19, 2010 at 05:16 | Report abuse |
  31. Bubba

    I've never had any complaints from my satisfied customers. Well, except that I don't do the two-for-one special anymore, but I'm getting old.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. chasm

    Faking an orgasm simply teaches your partner an incorrect lesson. And if you keep teaching your partner that incorrect lesson, after a while it's not your partner's fault that he/she has learned it. Every human being is different, with different likes and dislikes, so it's everyone's responsibility to try to learn their partner's likes and dislikes. Similarly, it's every partner's responsibility to teach the lessons honestly.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. Eric

    All the female sexual martyrs in the world need to come down off the cross and start facing the fact that the reason they don't (notice I did not say, "can't") cum is because they are frustrated power hungry weaklings. I have been with women who cum at the drop of a hat and others who lay there and blame me for it. It is all total BS, and we need to stop this "nice guys finish last" dialogue, it is tired and stupid. This isn't a male performance or sensitivity issue, it is for the most part a cultural issue. Cum down off the cross ladies, we can use the wood, or I guess from the sounds of the conversation, you can use the wood.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  34. Work-a-holic

    WELL IM A 23 YEAR OLD GUY AND I HAVE HAD MY SHARE OF FEMALE ASSOCIATES!!! AND I CAN PUT IT PLAINLY AND SIMPLE IF YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH A FEMALE AND SHE DOESNT EVEN COMMENT ON HOW SHE FELT WHEN SHE HAD THE BIG O, OR IF SHE HAS NOT HURT YOU IN ANY WAY(AS IN PHYSICAL PAIN) WHILE SHE WAS HAVING THE BIG O, AND ALSO THIS MAY SOUND A LITTLE WILD BUT IF SHE HAS NOT REQUESTED DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY WILD AS IN A DIFFERENT LOCATION OR MULTIPLE PARTNERS OR SOMETHING ON THE BORDER OF EXHIBITIONIST THEN YOU HAVE BEEN LIED TOO!!! SORRY BUDDY!!!

    November 18, 2010 at 13:59 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. Jim

    It takes my wife so long to orgasm that I would die if I had to go that long. And then along came the Pocket Rocket.....

    November 18, 2010 at 14:01 | Report abuse | Reply
  36. Tara

    The author's mentality when it comes to the female orgasm is no different than any other man's and he proves that with the comment, " If a woman fakes it and her partner thinks she is actually enjoying the sex, is her dissatisfaction really heard?" It is possible for a female to enjoy sex without having an orgasm. Sometimes he's doing everything right and I'm really enjoying sex but, for whatever reason, I just know "it's" not going to happen. However, men have been conditioned for so long to equate "good" sex with orgasm that if a woman doesn't have one, they think the woman didn't enjoy it. Believe me, it's easier to fake it sometimes than to listen to a guy go on apologize for something he has no reason to be sorr for.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • mpouxesas

      Tara...you need to realize though that for men sex=orgasm, there is no point in to having sex without an orgasm (it is like a ..frenchman having coffee without cigarette!!). On the other hand, indeed many women are SATISFIED with the pre-post sex activity, the act of sex, and the whole 9-yards, without having an orgasm. As I said previously, men are more visual, women think/feel sex...and that is a fundamental difference, and that is why some times women don't have an orgasm.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:08 | Report abuse |
  37. mpouxesas

    ...lots of opinions...many more (s)experts...still looking for substance. Man and women are different. We know that. If you look at the functionality of orgasm, well, for the sake of the species a man NEEDS to have an orgasm, while a woman can still conceive without one! So, faking it? Not faking it? What is the point? Realize that due to the physiological differences between the sexes, and the fact that for men (since we are more visually stimulated) sex is physical activity more than it is for women. Women 'think' ...sex, men on the other hand, we DO ...sex. It is our innate drive to...distribute the ...genes.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Indri

      Actually, there is some evidence that female orgasm leads to greater uptake of sperm into the uterus. I *think* it was in Robin Baker's "Sperm Wars" (an amazing read, even if some of it seems pretty fishy).

      November 19, 2010 at 05:24 | Report abuse |
  38. zoe

    Good for all you women out there who never fake it. The air must be nice up there on that high horse. I disagree with this article... a little. My fiance and I have great sex and I orgasm a good 75% of the time. However, there's that 25% where I'm more or less tired or for one reason or another cant get into it. I don't ALWAYS fake in those situations, but I'm not going to lie – faking speeds things up. I'm not doing it to protect his ego at all. He has a good understanding that sometimes I just cant orgasm, but I could let him labor over me trying at a lost cause for an hour OR I could just fake it and get back to whatever I was doing. Sorry. That's reality.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:02 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. wxyz

    Early on, every time I did not reach an orgasm with my partner, they (the collective) made me feel completely inadequate as a woman and that there must be something wrong with ME. Even with kind communication and "show and tell" on my part they STILL didn't get it and were just downright clueless. So, faking it was the one thing I could do that would make me feel normal according to them. I now know better. And you're right – they were raised on porn and I have never seen a guy in the "better sex" section of a bookstore... Note to the heterosexual male population: get educated! What worked with your last girlfriend doesn't necessarily work for your current girlfriend. And ladies – if you fake it, you're losing out, too. Two-way street.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:05 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. Patrick

    The funny thing about this article is that the author is a man. Sounds like someone has a lot of experience w/ women faking orgasms. I've got a little info for you Dr......Ever think maybe your wife is faking it? I'd listen to a guy give me advice on sex as much as I'd ask my wife which teams are going to win this sunday. Get a friggin job and stop reporting on nonsense. Dissatisfied women know how to take care of themselves. If you can't figure out if you're being lied to, try paying attention. Maybe look for a toy in her drawers. This is not journalism. Next time you can't come up w/ something worth writing, use a vacation week and spare us the eyestrain.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. roginator

    If a woman didn't have the respect and love for me to fake it to stroke my gentle ego than really she doesn't care about me enough to deserve for me to make her orgasm... which is of course why I didn't make her cum in the first place.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. Ernesto the Valiant

    Why is it all these books and magazine articles are all about MEN having to learn WOMEN? Why is it up to us men to learn what to do? Is it REALLY that difficult for a woman to say "YES! Do that! I Like That!!"???

    November 18, 2010 at 14:09 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jeepers

      Maybe you never do anything she wants you to keep doing. ; ) Sorry...you left that one wide open.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:25 | Report abuse |
    • Indri

      Trust me, there are a million or more articles and books telling women how to attract, talk to, and please men. We are also expected to know all kinds of variations and tricks and techniques. Combined with the cultural expectation that we keep our bodies and grooming up to ever-shifting standards that sometimes involve painful and/or expensive procedures (anyone ever suggested that men bleach their rosebuds?) it can be exhausting keeping track of everything you're supposed to do to be "the lover of his dreams!"

      My larger point about all of this is that there seems to be a lot of blaming and animosity around heterosexual sex, which is a darn shame. Isn't it supposed to be fun? Like so many other things in life, I think we lose track of the fact that everyone is doing the best the can with what they have and know. Men and women both. Sure, there are jerks of both sexes who treat sex as a "me first and the heck with you" proposition, but the great mass of us really do want our partners to enjoy themselves. There's just so much junk built up that it's harder than it should be.

      November 19, 2010 at 05:35 | Report abuse |
  43. Travis

    This is a matter that needs to be discussed between the two people in the relationship. If the guy gets hurt if the girl doesn't orgasm, then he needs to tell her to fake it when she isn't going to get there. If the guy could care less, then she will know she doesn't have to fake it. I'm more than happy to get off without her faking it as long as I know when we really get into it I do enough for her. I'm a guy, I can get off a lot easier and faster than a woman and I know that. If she isn't in to it but wants me around enough to care, then she will respect my wishes and vice versa. This is a topic for two adults to discuss to better know what the other wants. This is not a discussion to have with the masses because all it does is make people worry about something that is supposed to be fun and loving. If you worry about it, you aren't going to enjoy it enough to orgasm anyway.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. More than just sex..

    I've been married to my husband for 15 years. To be honest, he's horrible in bed, and yes, I fake it.

    I'm one of those women who just doesn't place that much importance on sex. It can be fun, but to me, it's not everything. My husband loves it, and it's how he gets his "contact time" with me.

    Before you ask, yes I've had mind blowing orgasms before, and still have them on occasion, but I'd probably be perfectly fine never having sex again as long as I can spend the rest of my life with my best friend and love.

    So I fake it, because it's important to him to feel as though I'm enjoying it as much as he is.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:14 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Jeepers

      I agree with a lot of what you say and have been married 15 years too. Sex isn't that important to me. But I don't fake it anymore. It took us a while to learn each other and get good at it but sometimes it's just not going to happen for me. On those occasions, I tell him to do his thing just to get it over with. He doesn't enjoy it as much, but it's not the end of the world. I'd rather be honest about it and work at getting it right the next time. My husband isn't the kind of guy who has a fragile ego and he knows when things aren't right with me so it works for us.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:34 | Report abuse |
    • lance corporal

      is the rest of your relationship a lie or just the physical part?

      November 18, 2010 at 18:41 | Report abuse |
  45. Maryland, USA

    For a good laugh on this subject, go to YouTube and check out the K-Y Intense commercial, "Mr. and Mrs. Flores".

    November 18, 2010 at 14:15 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. jay

    85 percent of men said that their partner had experienced an orgasm while only 64 percent of women reported actually having had an orgasm. Well my question is how do we know that these men are having sex with women? The quote only says 'partner' not women. The quote also does not attribute the women's fake orgasm to her most recent sexual activity. You could interpret this statement in many different ways. I think the author is simply playing on words to make her point. It is hard to believe with all the sex studies that no one has asked the question. How often do you fake it.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  47. Alex

    Memo to women: If you stop faking it, we'll stop pretending that we care! :-))

    November 18, 2010 at 14:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  48. Melody

    Who cares if some of you men fake it, shut up, this article isn't about you. And I can't believ that you women would ever fake it. That is demeaning to our species, woman up!!!

    November 18, 2010 at 14:22 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Laura

      Chill out Mel and speak for yourself. It can take time for a woman to have the emotional intimacy in a relationship to simple say "its not happening". It can create great emotional distance between a couple if the man takes it as a failure. Once a security is established, OK, its easy to say, "aint happening, have yourself a ball anyway". Until then, unless you are an emotionless zero or humping your f buddy, its worthwhile to be careful of the others feelings, as well as your own. Pays dividends later.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:52 | Report abuse |
  49. dig dug

    Foreplay is a must........Even if she doesnt climax im sure she appreciates and enjoyed that i tried to do what i know she likes and wants.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:27 | Report abuse | Reply
  50. Red Yankee

    If a woman fakes it too often, she only has herself to blame for he lack of satisfaction.

    Myself, I find it a great turn on when a woman says during sex, "do this" or "do that" not as an order, but as a way of indicating to me what she wants or needs at that moment. Whether she says slow down, speed up, deeper, softer, harder, etc etc etc it is a sign to me that she really wants to enjoy the moment with me and is not ashamed to admit and to tell me what feels good.

    November 18, 2010 at 14:27 | Report abuse | Reply
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