 |
|
|
|
|
November 18th, 2010
08:21 AM ET
The Sexpert: Memo to women: Please stop faking!
As a sex therapist, my profession often makes for interesting, and sometimes awkward, dinner conversation. Not too long ago I was at a cocktail party, when a woman in her mid-30s descended upon me. “Quick” she said in hushed tones, “My husband’s getting me a drink. We only have a few seconds. How do I get him to read your book, ‘She Comes First,’ without hurting his feelings?” But before I could respond, or even think about my response, her husband sauntered over, draped his arm around her shoulder and chimed in, “Hey, you’re the guy who writes those sex books, right? I have just one question for you: why didn’t you pick me to be your co-author? I could have given you some secrets – right honey?” We all laughed, and as I made awkward eye contact with the wife, it was clear that she was the one with the real secret and it was going to stay that way. And she’s not alone. According to the recently published National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior 85 percent of men said that their partner had experienced an orgasm during their most recent sexual event, while only 64 percent of women reported actually having had an orgasm. The implication: Lots of women are faking it—and getting away with it. And as we know from the famous “I’ll have what she’s having” scene in "When Harry Met Sally," men are easily hoodwinked. But yet for all our “orgasmic naiveté,” men are often the first to be blamed as the source of such female fraudulence. On a recent episode of “The Joy Behar Show” titled, “Is There an Orgasm Gap?” the general consensus among the all-female panel was that men need to be better educated about female sexuality, and that faking is a necessary byproduct of the male ego and protecting a guy’s self-esteem. Personally, I don’t buy it. If a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If a woman fakes it and her partner thinks she is actually enjoying the sex, is her dissatisfaction really heard? Don’t get me wrong: As a sex and relationships counselor I’m all for education. I do believe that men get too many of their ideas about female sexuality from porn. There’s no shortage of legitimate reasons why a woman might not experience an orgasm during sex. “Find me a women’s magazine whose cover doesn’t include screaming headlines about the 764 varieties of orgasm every woman is supposed to be having each time she has sex,” writes my colleague Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “In reality, life gets in the way—stress, depression, anxiety, body image, performance anxiety (women get it too), sleep deprivation, feeling rushed (women average roughly 10-30 minutes to orgasm), all interfere with orgasm. So sometimes women fake it.” But is Emily justified in justifying the occasional “fake-out”? According to her, faking isn’t evil; it’s often a well-intentioned safeguard for her partner’s ego. “A woman is less likely to have orgasms early in a relationship—her body needs time to learn to trust a new partner and to relax into the knowledge that he accepts and appreciates her body,” she writes. “At the same time, if a woman likes her partner, she wants him to feel good about the relationship. If orgasm is a way she can show him she’s enjoying it, but orgasm just isn’t there for her yet, faking it is a completely viable option—as long as it doesn’t become a habit.” I have always tended to agree with Emily (and scores of other professionals) on the legitimacy of the occasional fake-out, but with this latest study it seems that faking has become the little white lie that’s amounted to a culturally accepted form of deception. So I’m reversing my opinion: Faking every now and then is not OK. Sure, talking about sex can be difficult; sure it’s easier to spare one’s feelings; and sure there are men who will respond defensively—but none of that actually justifies lying. Every time a woman fakes it for a legitimate reason, she undermines that legitimacy and loses an opportunity to communicate with her partner and deepen his understanding of their relationship. And remember, ladies, what goes around comes around. As I wrote last week for this blog, more and more men are faking it too. So instead of faking it, let’s talk about sex. It isn’t always easy, but, in the end, not talking about sex is even harder. And for all the moaning and groaning, faking the big O is just a big conversation-stopper. Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed. soundoff (1,054 Responses)« Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 Next »Leave a Reply to The Stranger
Next entry »How can I keep my weight loss off?
« Previous entryWhat causes new blockages to form so quickly?
|
  About this blog
Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
 |
|
|
|
http://www.cryofacts.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=www.internetmarketingidaho.com
bookmarked!!, I really like your blog!
https://adengine.old.rt.ru/go.jsp?to=https://ocrv.us/rv-repair-shop-santa-clarita-california
http://www.lifl.fr/FOX/modules/babel/redirect.php?newlang=fr_FR&newurl=https://bestlocalnearme.com
https://images.google.be/url?q=http://ocrv.biz
This website definitely has all the info I wanted about this subject and didnít know who to ask.
http://www.sa-live.com/merror.html?errortype=1&url=https://ocrvfleetservices.com/
This site truly has all of the information I wanted concerning this subject and didnít know who to ask.
https://www.triathlon.org/?URL=sprinterrepairnearme.com/
Everyone loves it whenever people come together and share opinions. Great site, continue the good work!
http://r.ypcdn.com/1/c/rtd?ptid=YWSIR&vrid=ecn5k5fp1i314&lid=1466883&poi=1&dest=http://ocrvmotorcoaches.com/rv-repair-shop-san-fernando-valley-california
http://www.artisticlicense.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=bestservicenearme.com
http://exceptionalskincare.net/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=www.sprintervanrepair.com/
After checking out a few of the blog articles on your web site, I honestly appreciate your way of writing a blog. I bookmarked it to my bookmark website list and will be checking back in the near future. Take a look at my website as well and tell me what you think.
http://www.winsock.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrv.life/
http://vistallc.net/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=sprintervanrepair.com/
Greetings! Very helpful advice in this particular post! It's the little changes that make the largest changes. Thanks a lot for sharing!
https://aro.lfv.se/ViewSwitcher/SwitchView?mobile=True&returnUrl=http://ocrv.fun/rv-repair-shop-palm-desert-california
Hi, I do think this is a great website. I stumbledupon it 😉 I am going to return yet again since I bookmarked it. Money and freedom is the greatest way to change, may you be rich and continue to help others.
https://www.rya.org.uk/pages/redir.axd?url=http://ocrvmotorsports.com/rv-repair-shop-barstow-california
http://testphp.vulnweb.com/redir.php?r=https://ocrv.world/rv-frame-repair-near-me
An interesting discussion is worth comment. I believe that you need to publish more on this issue, it might not be a taboo matter but usually people do not talk about these issues. To the next! Many thanks!!
http://salesnews.qantas.com/public/m/closed?msLRR=http://starshipcrewconnector.com/comment/687
http://www.london.umb.edu/?URL=https://solisbravoentertainment.dailyhitblog.com/1865971/ideas-for-car-gifts-for-automotive-lovers
http://www.cssdrive.com/?URL=www.ocrv.mobi/rv-repair-shop-woodland-hills-california
&z=T1
http://etracker.de/lnkcnt.php?et=mjVFaK&url=https://handtucher.net/blogs/business/computers_and_internet/article_directories/recreation_and_sports/aviation/?s=A
http://dmca.com/Protection/Status.aspx?ID=edc817fd-d796-4c84-abb8-d1cb5b2e3719&refurl=http://www.ingenieurleistungenreiter.com/index.php?option=com_phocaguestbook&view=phocaguestbook&id=1&Itemid=4&t=140&limitstart=84220
http://www.miniatureworld.net/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=rankemailads.com
https://franciscog69l7.blogdomago.com/4141561/details-fiction-and-smoke-shop
Your style is very unique compared to other people I've read stuff from. Thanks for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just book mark this web site.
I quite like reading a post that can make people think. Also, thank you for allowing for me to comment!
http://bobm.allabouthoneymoons.com/redirect.aspx?destination=https://www.local-business-video-marketing.com/
After looking into a number of the blog posts on your blog, I honestly like your technique of writing a blog. I bookmarked it to my bookmark site list and will be checking back in the near future. Take a look at my website too and tell me what you think.
http://garrettb58o9.newbigblog.com/5747768/time-for-kitchen-reworking-5-indicators-that-teach-you-it-is-time-to-remodel
There is certainly a great deal to learn about this topic. I love all the points you've made.
http://images.google.be/url?q=http://fernandon81s0.educationalimpactblog.com/24159600/little-known-facts-about-digital-marketing-agency
Next time I read a blog, I hope that it won't fail me just as much as this one. After all, I know it was my choice to read through, but I truly believed you would probably have something helpful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of complaining about something that you could possibly fix if you weren't too busy looking for attention.
I blog frequently and I genuinely thank you for your content. This great article has really peaked my interest. I am going to book mark your blog and keep checking for new information about once a week. I opted in for your RSS feed as well.
https://www.fms.treas.gov/fmsweb/disclaimer.jsp?ciURL=http://luftfahrwerk-flügeltüren.de/gaestebuch.html?start=5340
http://cashf59k7.blogoscience.com/5571932/the-greatest-guide-to-rv-body-shop
You should be a part of a contest for one of the highest quality blogs on the web. I am going to recommend this website!
You need to be a part of a contest for one of the highest quality blogs on the web. I most certainly will highly recommend this website!
http://help.dedecms.com/plus/player/index.php?url=https://edwinr16k8.blogoscience.com/5523233/little-known-facts-about-repair-shop
http://www.bshare.cn/share?url=https://stephens52m2.blogars.com/4021249/not-known-details-about-maserati-dealer-near-60106
There's definately a great deal to find out about this topic. I like all the points you made.
http://images.google.gl/url?q=https://interiordesignpicts.blogspot.com/2020/08/small-rv-bathroom-remodel.html/
I love it when individuals come together and share opinions. Great blog, stick with it!
http://franciscoq15h7.myparisblog.com/4727205/not-known-facts-about-rv-solar-panels-near-me
http://keeganx37l8.educationalimpactblog.com/23860372/a-secret-weapon-for-box-truck-repair-shop
Great blog you have here.. Itís difficult to find excellent writing like yours nowadays. I seriously appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!
https://domaindirectory.com/policypage/terms?domain=www.frostingbarcelona.com/dulce-budapest-goamama-coffee/desayuno_goamamacoffee_budapest_frostingbarcelona5/comment-page-3690
Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you, However I am encountering difficulties with your RSS. I donít understand why I can't join it. Is there anyone else having identical RSS issues? Anyone that knows the answer can you kindly respond? Thanks!!
https://bitly.com/a/warning?hash=3nUs1YL&url=https://edgara46e5.blogspothub.com/4136039/top-latest-five-smoke-shop-urban-news
http://claytonf58k7.fitnell.com/40403155/considerations-to-know-about-used-maserati-granturismo
That is a good tip particularly to those fresh to the blogosphere. Short but very precise infoÖ Many thanks for sharing this one. A must read post!
https://register.aib.gov.uk/Subscribe/WidgetSignup?url=https://kakakunavi.jp/detail.php?url=ocrvfleetservices.com//
Everything is very open with a very clear clarification of the challenges. It was truly informative. Your site is useful. Thanks for sharing!
This is a good tip especially to those fresh to the blogosphere. Brief but very accurate infoÖ Appreciate your sharing this one. A must read article!
This is a topic that's near to my heart... Thank you! Exactly where are your contact details though?
http://edgari81w2.theobloggers.com/5641783/the-ultimate-guide-to-paint-services
I must thank you for the efforts you've put in penning this blog. I really hope to view the same high-grade blog posts by you later on as well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has motivated me to get my own, personal blog now 😉
http://localbusiness.nwfdailynews.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=clayton9r1e5.blogdanica.com/3490571/5-simple-techniques-for-rv-repair-shop
jobs
http://salesnews.qantas.com/public/m/closed?msLRR=http://ocrvcenter.mobi
After I initially commented I appear to have clicked on the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I recieve four emails with the exact same comment. Perhaps there is a means you can remove me from that service? Appreciate it!
http://www.godisfake.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=ocrvcenter.mobi
Your style is really unique in comparison to other folks I have read stuff from. I appreciate you for posting when you have the opportunity, Guess I will just bookmark this page.
http://suzuki.saikyou.biz/rank.cgi?mode=link&id=5&url=http://fleettruckrepairshop.com/
http://www.darewrightfilm.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=fleetvehiclerepairshop.com