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November 18th, 2010
08:21 AM ET

The Sexpert: Memo to women: Please stop faking!

As a sex therapist, my profession often makes for interesting, and sometimes awkward, dinner conversation. Not too long ago I was at a cocktail party, when a woman in her mid-30s descended upon me. “Quick” she said in hushed tones, “My husband’s getting me a drink. We only have a few seconds. How do I get him to read your book, ‘She Comes First,’ without hurting his feelings?”

But before I could respond, or even think about my response, her husband sauntered over, draped his arm around her shoulder and chimed in, “Hey, you’re the guy who writes those sex books, right? I have just one question for you: why didn’t you pick me to be your co-author? I could have given you some secrets – right honey?” We all laughed, and as I made awkward eye contact with the wife, it was clear that she was the one with the real secret and it was going to stay that way.  And she’s not alone.

According to the recently published National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior 85 percent of men said that their partner had experienced an orgasm during their most recent sexual event, while only 64 percent of women reported actually having had an orgasm. The implication: Lots of women are faking it—and getting away with it.  And as we know from the famous “I’ll have what she’s having” scene in "When Harry Met Sally," men are easily hoodwinked.

But yet for all our “orgasmic naiveté,” men are often the first to be blamed as the source of such female fraudulence. On a recent episode of “The Joy Behar Show” titled, “Is There an Orgasm Gap?” the general consensus among the all-female panel was that men need to be better educated about female sexuality, and that faking is a necessary byproduct of the male ego and protecting a guy’s self-esteem.

Personally, I don’t buy it. If a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? If a woman fakes it and her partner thinks she is actually enjoying the sex, is her dissatisfaction really heard?

Don’t get me wrong: As a sex and relationships counselor I’m all for education. I do believe that men get too many of their ideas about female sexuality from porn. There’s no shortage of legitimate reasons why a woman might not experience an orgasm during sex. “Find me a women’s magazine whose cover doesn’t include screaming headlines about the 764 varieties of orgasm every woman is supposed to be having each time she has sex,” writes my colleague Emily Nagoski in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms. “In reality, life gets in the way—stress, depression, anxiety, body image, performance anxiety (women get it too), sleep deprivation, feeling rushed (women average roughly 10-30 minutes to orgasm), all interfere with orgasm. So sometimes women fake it.”

But is Emily justified in justifying the occasional “fake-out”?

According to her, faking isn’t evil; it’s often a well-intentioned safeguard for her partner’s ego. “A woman is less likely to have orgasms early in a relationship—her body needs time to learn to trust a new partner and to relax into the knowledge that he accepts and appreciates her body,” she writes. “At the same time, if a woman likes her partner, she wants him to feel good about the relationship. If orgasm is a way she can show him she’s enjoying it, but orgasm just isn’t there for her yet, faking it is a completely viable option—as long as it doesn’t become a habit.”

I have always tended to agree with Emily (and scores of other professionals) on the legitimacy of the occasional fake-out, but with this latest study it seems that faking has become the little white lie that’s amounted to a culturally accepted form of deception.

So I’m reversing my opinion: Faking every now and then is not OK. Sure, talking about sex can be difficult; sure it’s easier to spare one’s feelings; and sure there are men who will respond defensively—but none of that actually justifies lying. Every time a woman fakes it for a legitimate reason, she undermines that legitimacy and loses an opportunity to communicate with her partner and deepen his understanding of their relationship.

And remember, ladies, what goes around comes around. As I wrote last week for this blog, more and more men are faking it too. So instead of faking it, let’s talk about sex. It isn’t always easy, but, in the end, not talking about sex is even harder. And for all the moaning and groaning, faking the big O is just a big conversation-stopper.

Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.


soundoff (1,053 Responses)
  1. John

    And just how does a male "fake it"? Groan and thrash more? Obviously I've led a very sheltered life: when I'm hot I'm hot, when I'm not I'm not.

    November 18, 2010 at 08:50 | Report abuse | Reply
    • dajackg

      To many people the idea of a man faking it makes no sense, because they think that orgasm equals ejaculation in men. That's not true. To people who understand what actually happens during orgasm, a man can fake it more convincingly than a woman can. And the phenomenon of "delayed ejaculation" (or its other, more unfortunate name: "retarded ejaculation") is making that more and more common. That being said, I think it's a real shame if ANYBODY feels the need to fake it. The other is right on: you may think you need to do it to protect your partner's feelings, or to save yourself from a long discussion you don't want to have – but really you're just making sure that things will never get any better.

      November 18, 2010 at 10:45 | Report abuse |
    • dajackg

      Yikes. The AUTHOR, not the other. 🙂

      November 18, 2010 at 10:46 | Report abuse |
    • Jeff B.

      IF you really want to know how men fake it, why dont you just hit the link the author provided ? It's a well written post.
      THAT being said, I dont agree that there needs to be a talk WHENEVER someone fakes it – only if it's an ongoing thing does it become a problem.

      November 18, 2010 at 10:54 | Report abuse |
    • Dina

      Replying to John............ I agreee with you. THATS VERY TRUE!

      November 18, 2010 at 13:12 | Report abuse |
    • Dezzy

      I'm a man...and I sure have done my fair shake of fakings. Something women as completely oblivious of. Here's how men can fake it.

      1. You can always say to your female partner that you didn't climax because "it's not you baby, it's me" when you know it's completely the opposite. My full-proof reason for "it being me" is I watch too much porn. Fakes them 100% of time.
      2. If you don't have a condom, you can fake as if you climaxed in her. How often do women "check" to see the evidence of a climax?
      3. If you have a condom, you can fake a climaxed and get rid of condom right away or discretely. Again, how often do women "check" for evidence of a climax?
      4. Even if she checks or not, you can always claim you didn't climaxed alot.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:28 | Report abuse |
    • RadTech01

      Dezzy, how can a woman "not check for evidence?" Usually, it runs out onto something, like their leg or the bed.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:45 | Report abuse |
    • Rikki Portner

      This is another reason I prefer having sex with men rather than with woman. There's no faking a male orgasm!

      November 18, 2010 at 13:48 | Report abuse |
    • Ruck

      Of course some guys fake it. Sometimes, especially if it's the second go at it that night, she's far to.....ummmm... lubricated and there isn't enough friction to get there. Typically this means she got there more than once. Consequently, that's what caused the excess lubrication. That and, at least for me, the second go at it within an hour or 2, takes me forever. I certainly don't want to hurt her feelings..... so, fake it if you have to. Sometimes it's like, "enough already, let's get some sleep."

      November 18, 2010 at 13:58 | Report abuse |
    • David

      Yep, I fake orgasms too. It's very easy, but I know that people refuse to believe it happens (which makes it even easier.) Sometimes i'm just to tired to put in the extra effort. Sometimes, it takes her so long to get off that I'm no longer interested. Healthy? Probably not... But it happens.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:19 | Report abuse |
    • Todd

      Why does there have to be an orgasm at all for the man? Why can't he simply have sex with his partner for an hour or two? Obviously if his technique is off his partner will say something.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:47 | Report abuse |
    • Adam Chase

      this is cnn not cosmo

      November 18, 2010 at 14:52 | Report abuse |
    • justawolf

      To Dezzy,
      I am a Man and I know for a FACT that women, even if they don't "check for a climax" as you suggest, will eventually find out if you ejaculated, because IT (and I mean sperm) will eventually come out of their Vagina. Do you think it just disappears?? Or gets absorbed?? My point is this: You have no understanding of the Female anatomy.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:41 | Report abuse |
    • Mok

      Well Dezzy hasnt had his first time apparently lol

      November 18, 2010 at 15:53 | Report abuse |
    • Steve

      What part of "you don't have to ejaculate during an orgasm" don't you people understand??"

      November 18, 2010 at 15:58 | Report abuse |
    • Matt

      Yes John you were right but no more. I would have said the same thing back in the days. I'm over 50 and things start to change and one of the changes is a man (me) can't come as I use to. I don't fake but I also am not sure if I will come or not.

      November 18, 2010 at 16:05 | Report abuse |
    • JD

      LOL John. That is cute.

      November 18, 2010 at 16:22 | Report abuse |
    • suntime

      Faking is possible for men. Done it. She didn't know.

      November 18, 2010 at 17:06 | Report abuse |
    • DEADINSIDE

      I don't know about the rest of you but I just pull out, and while she has her eyes closed, I pour my warm beer all over her.

      November 18, 2010 at 18:25 | Report abuse |
    • I am not a retard

      I suffer from retrograde ejaculation

      November 18, 2010 at 18:56 | Report abuse |
    • Frank

      Lots of good info throughout the thread. I once had a great lover/girlfriend who swore she never faked orgasm because she felt it was just rewarding bad behavior! It was OK to have great sex and not reach the big O for either of us or for just one of us. If we both did or just one of us the celebrate! Of course if multiples are involved, whoopee! Wish I could do it!

      November 18, 2010 at 18:59 | Report abuse |
    • I have met Jessica Simpson

      Jeff B,

      Actually, there should not be any talking at all .. whatsoever. It ruins concentration.

      November 18, 2010 at 19:06 | Report abuse |
    • Mark

      yup – lets get serious here

      November 25, 2010 at 23:27 | Report abuse |
    • kritik1

      Real men dont have orgasm, their job is to make the female happy. The female partner should be honest about orgasm, because nobody wants to find out later that they have been deceived into thinking something else was going on.

      December 12, 2010 at 17:29 | Report abuse |
    • Jared

      Women fake it because they think we care!

      December 28, 2010 at 01:40 | Report abuse |
  2. pgangel

    If she is the one "in the mood" frequently, then I doubt she's faking it.

    November 18, 2010 at 08:55 | Report abuse | Reply
    • followup

      "In the mood" does not mean need for or ability to have an O in women. The author's right. There are a lot of naive men that will not get educated until women stop faking them out.

      November 18, 2010 at 10:25 | Report abuse |
    • Jimmy James

      The word is orgasm. We do not need a capital "o" for us to feel better about it. Especially seeming "O" is now a network and magazine of Oprah's. The last thing I need to be thinking about in bed is Oprah. Thanks.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:33 | Report abuse |
    • Joe

      A big part of the problem is that men, being goal-oriented, hell-bent for an orgasm – do-say anything for an orgasm, find it impossible to believe women when they say they can "enjoy" sex without an orgasm. Just doesn't compute for men.
      Also, many men derive a huge part of their pleasure from giving pleasure, which can sometimes take on the appearance of control. Translation: it's come to my attention that men and women are different

      November 18, 2010 at 15:38 | Report abuse |
    • Mark

      well – lets get educated

      November 25, 2010 at 23:28 | Report abuse |
  3. Michael Wong

    Simple rule: if she has an orgasm 100% of the time, no matter what you do, no matter how tired or stressed or distracted she is, then she's probably learned how to fake it.

    November 18, 2010 at 09:07 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Amanda

      Not True!!! I have one 100% of the time, I just learned how to stimulate the right areas during sex to encourage one!

      November 18, 2010 at 13:32 | Report abuse |
    • Wendy

      I disagree! I never fake and I orgasm 100% of the time!

      November 18, 2010 at 13:52 | Report abuse |
    • Evike

      Amen ladies. Thanks for making assumptions, Mr. Wong.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:13 | Report abuse |
    • BikerNOh

      Amanda and Wendy, YOU GALS ROCK!!!!

      November 18, 2010 at 14:42 | Report abuse |
    • mike

      I can spot a fake every time. I'll let her think she fooled me, because what am I supposed to say? "HA, YOU FAKED!"?

      Don't fake, ladies. It just screws stuff up.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:42 | Report abuse |
    • TerribleLaugher

      Thanks for sharing, Mr. Wrong...er...Wong...

      November 18, 2010 at 15:56 | Report abuse |
    • Mark

      hahah – lmao

      November 25, 2010 at 23:28 | Report abuse |
    • Elizabeth

      No, she's probably learned her own body well enough to teach her partner how to get it to happen 100% of the time.
      Also, there is chemistry. Sometimes, when a woman is very sensitive and in tune with her partner, all it takes is the slightest touch in just the right place, which isn't necessarily the genitals at all. There's more than one kind of O and there are OH, so many ways to get there.
      And, I've always told my lovers up front that if they aren't up to the big O any particular time that's fine. Doesn't hurt my ego if they are having a distracted kind of day. I'd rather have my partner feeling good and not worrying about the O part of the action. Funny how taking the expectation off often leads to just what you were hoping for 🙂

      December 14, 2010 at 14:57 | Report abuse |
  4. Bettyboop

    I have found that if a woman doesn't have an orgasm every single time with her partner, then the partner becomes upset and moves on to someone that will.

    November 18, 2010 at 09:21 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Mike

      What? Sounds absurd.

      November 18, 2010 at 10:11 | Report abuse |
    • dajackg

      Across the board, I would say that's hogwash. But I'm sorry that you've found it to be true.

      November 18, 2010 at 10:51 | Report abuse |
    • Lisa

      Then obviously you've been exposed to the wrong "partner". Women (and men) are not machines–a 100% guarantee for an orgasm every time is impossible. Anybody who thinks it is is wrong.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:45 | Report abuse |
    • Doitagain

      I've had partners who get very upset if I don't have an orgasm and for me, it isn't the one and only reason im having sex. If I have one, fine, if I don't its still very much enjoyable for me. But some (not all) of the men i've been with will take this as a challenge and won't stop during a lovemaking session until I've had one. They can't understand that I don't HAVE to have one, and the only way I could get them to stop is to fake it.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:47 | Report abuse |
    • mobrule

      what chu talkin bout, willis?

      November 18, 2010 at 12:48 | Report abuse |
    • Shoos

      Nah, good communication is key. Just because I don't experience the big O every time, doesn't mean it isn't satisfying. If you are upfront about the way you are, then both are more relaxed about expectation.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:10 | Report abuse |
    • relic

      doitagain,

      you are right, there are men who are so sure of their magic powers, they literally won't stop until they "blew your mind". Also there are men who, if you don't have orgasms will call you "frigid". Being frigid has a lot of stigma attached to it. I hear it used by men as an insult towards women they find unagreeable all the time.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:23 | Report abuse |
    • you know....

      @BettyBoop based on that theory, if all women stopped faking it and all the men kept moving on to honest women.... what do you think would happen? Perhaps better sex? More honest relationships? Whoa! What a bummer!

      November 18, 2010 at 13:32 | Report abuse |
    • rbnlegend

      Sounds like you should be sleeping with better men. And I mean men who can handle the truth and don't need you to react in just the right way to make them feel manly.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:57 | Report abuse |
    • SOMom

      Both people often feel so much pressure to reach the orgasm that it's more difficult to actually get there. I know it takes me a long time - especially compared to my partner - but the posts are correct in that sometimes you just want to enjoy the act itself and enjoy time with your partner. If I get there, great. If not, sometimes I'm OK with that, too. But either way, I never fake.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:09 | Report abuse |
    • AWebster

      My husband always makes me orgasm during foreplay. Im already happy, and the sex feels nice. Faking it keeps him happy, and I'm already happy. If we're both happy, no big deal!

      November 18, 2010 at 18:28 | Report abuse |
  5. numbnut

    A woman fakes it because she's had enough.

    November 18, 2010 at 09:32 | Report abuse | Reply
    • KLR

      Yep....gotta get him off ya...so fake it.....That's better than saying "get the he11 off me"

      November 18, 2010 at 13:39 | Report abuse |
    • Sinisterballer

      See...there in lies the problem. Life is 90% mental and as we all should know the body follows the mind. I would only climax during morning sex because I wanted to make sure my partner got off. I didn't fake it and it led to most women feeling inadequate so I had to learn how to turn it off and on....and it is a beautiful thing when you get to that point. No one should fake it and no one should say "get the ____ off of me". Just explain how you are. If they can't accept it then tell them to kick rocks and move on. Stop making excuses, grow a pair and be honest. Saves a lot of needless drama in the long run.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:47 | Report abuse |
    • marie

      Not true! Orgasms can be faked to get your man really into it! It can be fun!

      November 18, 2010 at 19:24 | Report abuse |
  6. amy

    what's so bad for a woman to just wait until she's not distracted/stressed/tired etc to have a genuine O? I mean, why trade out a steak for...I guess for nothing lol. I have mine every time, but that's because I wait until things are ideal for pleasure. My husband understands that and would rather have it that way then have something that's not even real or even with someone in a bitchy mood.

    November 18, 2010 at 09:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • chucklebuck

      ....you wait until things are ideal for pleasure? 🙂

      and how pleasurable is that?

      I know: let's wait until things are ideal to eat, and that way you can have a completely-satisfying meal each and every time!

      forget the fact that you're hungry most of the time, otherwise, who cares about that

      November 18, 2010 at 09:58 | Report abuse |
    • Doitagain

      Why should we have to wait? I love sex when im stressed, its a great release, but I will not have an orgasm every single time I make love. I shouldn't have to say "well, im stressed out and won't have an orgasm, so lets not have sex".

      November 18, 2010 at 12:49 | Report abuse |
    • Tiff

      @Amy..

      Honey you need to step up your game or perhaps face your husband when he says he's cheated on you! Sex only when YOU are in your so called ideal mood does not equal a happy healthy sex life.. your husband should know that you will not have the "O" everytime.. for various reasons.. and you NEED to understand that sometimes its ok to just have a "quickie" for his sake.
      My husband is VERY good at making sure I get my "o" too.. but if life is getting in my way and it just won't happen, I tell him.. I know my body and even though he is doing all the right things.. sometimes it just won't work.. and that is ok.. I still enjoyed the sex and intimacy part and HE is happy too..

      November 18, 2010 at 13:14 | Report abuse |
    • bearfacts

      @amy 2 reasons:
      1- if you have kids there is NEVER a true stress or worry free time – and to prevent conversations like hey has it really been 3 weeks since we had sex? You have to take advantage of your limited and sometimes imperfect opportunities. Such is life.

      2- to the steak analogy- not every meal needs or should be a 4 star seven course event. Sometimes a PB& J made with love tastes better and is more satisifying.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:55 | Report abuse |
    • speedro

      Your husband must take long showers.

      December 27, 2010 at 15:07 | Report abuse |
  7. Dystopiax

    Bedtime for Bonobos.

    November 18, 2010 at 09:38 | Report abuse | Reply
  8. mx

    "85 percent of men said that their partner had experienced an orgasm during their most recent sexual event, while only 64 percent of women reported actually having had an orgasm"
    What makes you think this is evidence of women faking it? Perhaps women who more easily have orgasms have more sex and more partners.

    November 18, 2010 at 09:52 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Mike

      Yea, you make your stand. Obviously you can't be doing anything wrong.

      November 18, 2010 at 10:12 | Report abuse |
    • John

      I think that's more a comment on how they throw statistics around in these articles. Actually, I was surprised at the small discrepancy - 85 to 64. Throw in the margin of error and you might not have a story at all. On the other hand, I'm sure most women fake it. And most men fake it too. If you're thinking of someone else, you're faking it–or perhaps that's even worse.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:56 | Report abuse |
    • Walter

      I agree with mx.... plus I've heard up to 10% of the male population is gay.... so 10% of that 85% of partners were dudes and have nothing to do with the women's orgasm rate... faulty statistics... :o)

      November 18, 2010 at 14:12 | Report abuse |
    • Stats

      The only problem with the statistic is that it's not referring to *couples*, just different men and women who themselves have had um, experience, with many other people who were NOT in the study.... the stat would actually mean something if they talked to both partners in each couple....

      November 18, 2010 at 16:10 | Report abuse |
    • Glenn

      I see what you are saying. If the easy O girls are having twice as much sex with random guys as the hard O girls then there will be an excess of guys out there who(rightfully) think that their last partner had an O. So this could skew the results. They would need to account for a sexual frequency factor to correct the results.

      November 18, 2010 at 16:26 | Report abuse |
    • speedro

      @Mike. You are a tard. The comment identifies the obvious faults in the inference drawn from the 2 statistics presented in the article. There may be more to the survey method, but I am with most posters here in that the stats provided do not necessarily support the claim. Your comment does not even logically relate to MX's comment, FYI.

      December 27, 2010 at 15:14 | Report abuse |
  9. chucklebuck

    maybe they're not faking it, they're just saying that they're faking it.

    or they actually do fake having an orgasm, but because they don't really care about having an orgasm just having the sex

    look, they married the guy how bad can it be.

    November 18, 2010 at 09:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  10. Calvin Graves

    Most guys never have known or cared if there partner has the big O or not. It is all about them and her satisfaction just doesn't matter. For centuries men have been the selfish one in the sex role. Of coarse, most will lie and say something different.

    November 18, 2010 at 10:02 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Mike

      I think you're being a little dense. I think guys derive a lot of pleasure from being able to pleasure their woman.

      November 18, 2010 at 10:15 | Report abuse |
    • mobrule

      don't buy that. there are plenty of guys who get off pleasing their woman. yes, there are the types you mention, but why do you think women in porn go crazy moaning as soon as the guy touches her, or as soon as he gets out of his car? part of the fantasy is that the guy is a great lover who makes women go crazy.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:52 | Report abuse |
    • MXD

      Agree with Mike – what fun is sex is SHE'S not enjoying it as much as I am? I try to please my partner first, if possible. I know it usually takes more time for a woman, so I put in that effort. Which is ENJOYABLE effort, of course. Not sure if it always works, but I try. And if I'm not doing something right I'm open to suggestions.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:59 | Report abuse |
    • DYLANSDADDY

      I do not agree with that statement at all. Personally I make sure my wife has an O before we have intercourse. Even if that takes 30 min of forplay. Because I know there is no way I will last that long (and neither would 95% of men out there)

      November 18, 2010 at 13:54 | Report abuse |
    • JANE

      you said what I was thinking while reading all of these posts.....every single man I have ever been with, including my husband of 30 years, has ever given one ounce of thought into whether I came or not, only that they did. Most of the time he is done before I even have a chance to think about coming. Personally sex is not a priority of mine, just simply because it is over before it really ever gets started and I am left without any satisfaction at all, so why even bother. Men have two hands which they use several times a day to pleasure themselves, you really don't need us women.

      November 18, 2010 at 16:39 | Report abuse |
  11. TrueFax

    I'm sorry you people are so naive, I have a solution for all you. Guys the trick to female orgasm is foreplay, if you don't have the time to waste on that eat her out or finger her before you penitrate, unless you don't care about her needs those are the only two options you got.

    Women are like old cars there motor takes times to warm up.

    November 18, 2010 at 10:07 | Report abuse | Reply
    • scorpio1031

      EXACTLY! Unfortunately men often "forget" that or don't care. So sad. Then those same men wonder why women don't want to have s*x with them or give excuses to delay having s*x with them.

      November 18, 2010 at 11:45 | Report abuse |
    • elvis_costello

      Crude way to put it, but deadly accurate. Stoke the fires with foreplay and watch her go up in flames.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:45 | Report abuse |
    • Doitagain

      There is also the emotional factor, as the author was stating. The more time im with my partner, the more vulnurable I let myself be, the better the sex is.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:51 | Report abuse |
    • KLR

      Dang right....if you seduce the right way you wont even need penetration to get the big "O"...u may even be able to get multiple...its more than just "in out in out"...come on people act like you've done this before..

      November 18, 2010 at 13:42 | Report abuse |
    • Janice

      Foreplay is a key component to women having the big "O". Letting your sexual partner know what really drives you wild will go a long way for both of you. You need to talk about sex without inhibitions.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:05 | Report abuse |
  12. Mike

    For me I really don't understand the point of faking it. Some weird internal issue that if you fake it this time he'll do better next time?

    November 18, 2010 at 10:21 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Indri

      I know it seems weird, but sometimes–especially if the lubrication has worn off, which is especially likely if you're using a condom because the latex eventually dries her up–the friction just gets to be too much. Or the male partner is so dogged and the female is starting to get, um, bored. And just saying, "hey, let's stop, or let's do something else," seems like it would be a bummer for everyone involved. I have not faked, myself, but I've certainly been tempted when I've felt like intercourse has gone from pleasurable to too much.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:45 | Report abuse |
    • bunny

      Agreed, Indri. If I know I'm not into it and it's just not going to happen for me I feel that the least I can do is make sure my husband has the time of his life. So on with the show! When all is said and done, he is happy and satisfied and I can now drift off to sleep. Win/Win. We have a great sex-life and this happens very seldom so I see no harm in the occasional fake-out. If it goes from "seldom" to "often" then we have a problem that needs discussing. I know sometimes he does things for me in bed that he probably does not exactly feel up to doing, so why can't I do the same for him? And if I really can't muster up the energy that particular evening, I go with the good old standard oral copulation. Works quickly and effectively! He does not need to know the 1 out of 100 times that I fake it. It's one of those truths that you shouldn't volunteer, IMO. If he asks, I would be honest. But he has never asked and I don't feel the need to have him question all of my O's just because I faked one. As with most things in life, moderation is key. If you're faking it all the time that's a bad thing. An occasional fake won't hurt a strong relationship.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:14 | Report abuse |
  13. yeahright

    I was married to a man who became irritable and angry when I didn't want to climax very much. I could enjoy the act in itself without climaxing. I tried to explain this to him, but he just kept saying, "What's wrong with me wanting my wife to enjoy sex?" What was wrong was that he wanted me to enjoy it HIS way. If I didn't climax, to him, it meant I didn't enjoy sex.
    Well, it got to the point I didn't enjoy it even if I climaxed because I knew it wasn't for me, but for him. It became work, not pleasure. Fake it? Never did with him, but I'm thinking if I had, our problems would have been minimal without him having a clue.

    November 18, 2010 at 10:24 | Report abuse | Reply
    • MXD

      Sounds like you're not married to him now. For obvious reasons.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:02 | Report abuse |
  14. EngineerWithADD

    I've had similar experiences as yeahright. My ex-husband's ego was somehow tied to whether or not I had an orgasm and he'd get upset if I didn't. He'd just keep going and going even if by that time I was tired and frustrated. But he also was a sex fiend and got upset if I was too often (like more than one or two days a week) just not in the mood. When you've been married for a few years and you both work full-time jobs, I'm sorry but women just aren't going to be in the mood every single night and twice on weekends. And if I wasn't in the mood but do it anyway to keep him happy, I just wasn't going to have an orgasm. My only option for peace was to fake it. Now, my ex was truly an extreme case, but I've found since then that most men have some of the same attitudes. If you don't have orgasms their ego is bruised and they will eventually move on. But they also want sex more often than the scenario is right for the women to orgasm and they'll also move on if they don't get enough. I should add, so that you don't think I'm so desperate to keep a man that I'll do whatever he wants, that I can enjoy sex and intimacy immensely without having an orgasm. So what exactly does this author suggest? When you're in a serious relationship with someone and it's moving towards being intimate is a woman supposed to say "Listen, until I feel completely comfortable with you I probably won't climax. I don't know how long that will be. So if we're going along and you've done your thing and I know I'm not going to have an orgasm, what signal should I give you when I'm ready to wrap things up?" Sure, that'll fly.

    November 18, 2010 at 10:45 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Bill

      That is what my wife tells me: "Hey, I've enjoyed being with you tonight, but I really don't think I'm going to have an orgasm this time" and I reply "Ok", then I do my business and we're done. It's called honesty, you should try it.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:54 | Report abuse |
    • MXD

      That's EXACTLY what you should say. And if he can't handle that, you've got the wrong guy.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:06 | Report abuse |
    • lilarch

      What you need to get is Dave Chapelle's "Wrap it up" box. Click or copy the attached link. It will explain everything and give you the tool to let your man know.

      http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?title=wrap-it-up&videoId=11879

      November 18, 2010 at 13:47 | Report abuse |
  15. Tim

    Wow, Lots of interesting points of view. From the "Man Hater" all the way to "It's the woman's fault".
    I am in a happy and loving relationship, but it wasn't always such. Each person must learn their partner's needs. Guys can go 100mph out of the gate with no issues, however, most women cannot. Like other readers and the article states, women need to be warmed up.
    Here is a hint that took me a while (typical male) to learn. Foreplay is not always about sexual contact. Massages are a great way to get her in the mood, but you must be careful! Doing it too well will have you partner sleeping. Talking to her.. I think sex is 80% in the mind, if she or you do not feel sexy or loved, what's the point? Kissing, not down there silly, the neck, small of the back, ears, inner thighs (I guess that is down there ;)) but you get my point. Don't just go after the obvious places until after you work the others.
    Since that was mainly for the guys, this is what I think women need to learn as well. Talk to us and tell us what you want, or at least let us know we are on the right path. If that sounds easy, try it.. or if you cannot seem to talk, touch us in a way that lets us know that we are pleasing you. I have stopped too many times because my wife turns into a statue about 5 minutes before her big O. I have stopped because I thought she was not liking something when it was the exact opposite. Then it goes downhill from there. She has learned to at least show me that I am doing something she likes (pull hair, grab shoulders, pinch butt, etc.)
    Just my thoughts.

    November 18, 2010 at 10:57 | Report abuse | Reply
    • DYLANSDADDY

      Good post.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:39 | Report abuse |
  16. Haitian Fabio

    I think that less emphasis needs to be placed on all of the various things that can prevent a woman from having an orgasm and focus on what is primarily needed, the desire to have sex and feeling comfortable with their partner. Many times women have sex for the man's sake. If they're not in the mood they won't have an orgasm. And I have learned how to please a woman by being open to her needs. Women have to talk to their partners and talk about sex.

    November 18, 2010 at 11:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  17. Cieje Valentine

    My general thoughts: So you love and trust this person with the most intimate, personal part of your life,(your body) but aren't mature enough to be honest and forthright with your lover about your enjoyment(or lack thereof) of your time together? I'm sorry, has COMMON SENSE been OUTLAWED?

    November 18, 2010 at 11:07 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Indri

      Oh man, you should READ some of the books and magazines that purport to tell women how to talk to men about sex. It's all misdirection and dog training ("don't directly say, "I don't like this," but reinforce good behavior when he gets something right"–seriously). And I know it doesn't feel good for a man to hear that's what it like, but women are constantly being told not to be forthcoming about what's really going on. In other arenas as well, but particularly this one. It can take a while with a new partner to know exactly how to talk to him clearly about what works, and if you're having sex before you get to that point, you may miss some opportunities right up front to be completely forthright.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:52 | Report abuse |
    • onpoint

      Right on. Personally, I hate foreplay. My idea of great sex is to get in, get wild, get out. I "O" quickly and usually multiple times and am usually completely satisfied. The COMPLETE opposite of what all of those women's magazines preach. The bottom line is to listen to your partner and to talk to your partner. It took me a while to find a guy who understands and believes that this is the way I enjoy sex and is okay with it. Most guys would think that I was faking it or that there was something wrong with them, or me, etc. Usually because they too were reading those women's magazines. I say, put down all the magazines, stop believing everything you see in movies and in porn and start communicating and talking to one another! You might be surprised to find out what cool, sweet, amazing, kinky (or not-so-kinky) stuff your partner may be into if only they felt safe enough to talk with you honestly about sex.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:26 | Report abuse |
  18. derakh

    I'm glad my husband isn't an egomaniac about orgasms. Thankfully he and I can and have discussed this topic and have come to an understanding. Yes, I like having sex with him. Yes, its possible that I may not quite get there every time we have sex. No, it does not mean he failed. No, he does not get upset about it and neither do I.

    I think the core of this issue is trust and communication. We have communicated about the topic and we are on the same page with it. He trusts me when I tell him that I do enjoy the act overall and it does not mean he did not do his job if I don't get there every single time.

    I have never faked it with my husband, or any other partner I have had in my life. Some guys get bent out of shape if the woman doesn't get off, some don't notice at all. My husband is concerned enough to notice but he is not basing his ego on it.

    Some guys need to pay more attention, some need to loosen up a little bit. Sex is suppose to be fun. Its not fun if we analyze it to death.

    November 18, 2010 at 11:15 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Sarah

      Your husband sounds like mine - just as much interested in the intimacy that sex brings as he is in my getting off. We both love that this is something that only we can do together, and that itself can be a turn on. Not always, but it's not the end of the world for either of us. We just smile, cuddle, and try again tomorrow.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:23 | Report abuse |
  19. Mok

    I faked it "internally" one time and my wife wanted to kill me....it was funny at the time

    November 18, 2010 at 12:18 | Report abuse | Reply
  20. RUSH

    For my wife and previous GF's, if they werent loud enough or wild enough they received serious attentions to attain the goal.
    I dont fly 2 for 1. Both man and woman will take part in the flight gdi

    November 18, 2010 at 12:22 | Report abuse | Reply
  21. phoenix

    the couples of today are un natural mechanical subhumans full of pills

    November 18, 2010 at 12:30 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Mok

      But at least the new Harry Potter movie is here

      November 18, 2010 at 12:33 | Report abuse |
    • HumanBot 1.0

      I can't wait for the new Harry Potter! Unfortunately, i'll have to turn my iPhone off during the movie...

      November 18, 2010 at 13:05 | Report abuse |
    • dsdadd

      omg so so fucking true

      November 18, 2010 at 16:31 | Report abuse |
  22. Mike

    According to a previous article on CNN, this can be directly related to Men not doing enough dishes.

    November 18, 2010 at 12:31 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Mok

      yes, I remember that. Apparently, foreplay is NOT the number 1 way to get women hot. Doing the dishes and being covered in soap bubbles and your own and someone else's food is how to do it. lol

      November 18, 2010 at 12:35 | Report abuse |
    • Ha

      So, are you doing more dishes and it hasn't helped?

      November 18, 2010 at 14:00 | Report abuse |
  23. Al

    Communication is really key. I always try to make it known to a new partner that there is no reason to fake it to make me feel better about myself. If something isn't working, I want to know and I want to learn what actually does work for her. It takes trust and patience. If it still can't work after that, perhaps we aren't sexually compatible. That's human and there's nothing wrong with that.

    November 18, 2010 at 12:34 | Report abuse | Reply
    • chickenfoot

      Aaaahhh... a mature confident man. I've always assumed you were urban legends. :o)

      November 18, 2010 at 14:31 | Report abuse |
  24. happilymarried

    Sorry, but if you want to have a real orgasm, don't EVER fake it.

    November 18, 2010 at 12:34 | Report abuse | Reply
  25. FYI

    A man can experience the feelings/sensations normally associated with the "moment" and still not have ejaculation. Faking it is not a requirement or necessary. Having intercourse as much as seven times in one night can create the situation of no ejaculation. Just wish more nights could be that way.

    November 18, 2010 at 12:40 | Report abuse | Reply
  26. nolaguy

    Stats would lead me to believe that woman have faked it with me. I just wish they wouldnt, when i am having sex with a woman it is my goal to bring them to orgasm, so if your faking it i think i have learned how best to reach my goal. I find it all a bit depressing, i have had girlfriends who didnt feel the need to talk about it in depth, but would just say "can we go again, or would direct me during, i was almost always very willing.

    November 18, 2010 at 12:41 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Doitagain

      But it shouldn't be your goal-that is a problem. Your goal should be to make sure your partner is having a good time, not to make sure she has an orgasm every single time. That puts pressure on your partner, because guess what? We are not going to climax every single time we have sex, nor do we need to. Too many men make it their goal to bring the woman to orgasm-if you're not going to stop till we do and won't accept when we tell you its fine that we don't, we fake it.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:54 | Report abuse |
  27. FYI

    There are certain bodily responses/reactions a womans body will do that a woman can not control when having a real orgasm and is impossible to "fake it".

    November 18, 2010 at 12:44 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Doitagain

      Unless you have a vagina, you can't know.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:55 | Report abuse |
    • CJ

      Not really true...not all women produce copious amounts of fluid when they orgasm, other than that they CAN learn to control all the muscles if they put in the time and effort. SO for some yes and some no.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:07 | Report abuse |
    • chickenfoot

      Let me guess... you're one of those "no woman has ever faked it with me" guys???

      November 18, 2010 at 14:33 | Report abuse |
    • Laura

      Hahahaaahahah, ok, sorry, wiped all the laughing tears off my face now, boy are you wrong. But I some waterfront property for you, special price today, middle of the Sahara.

      November 18, 2010 at 15:05 | Report abuse |
  28. Ian

    The autor is spot on. I have alot of female friends that complain about the same thing, either their partner doesnt care to put in the time or, and its sad to say, most guys just want to get theirs and be done with it. I wont lie and say that 100% of my female partners have had an orgasm from intercourse, but I will say that the old saying is true, "You have to warm up the car up before you take it out for a drive". The more foreplay and other activities you do prior to sex, the more wound up and in the moment your partner becomes, making it much more likely that she'll have an orgasm. Plus, playing allows partners to find each other's hot spots, but again, you have to put in the time and the effort...anything worth doing is worth doing well, and that usually requires time and most importantly, PAYING ATTENTION 🙂

    November 18, 2010 at 12:51 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Doitagain

      Also, you have to know that the car doesn't want to hit 80mph every single time you take her on the road. Sometimes its fun to just have a quickie and not worry about the orgasm.

      November 18, 2010 at 12:56 | Report abuse |
    • citizenUSA

      @ Doitagain,

      How do you know when the quickie is over if no one has an orgasm? Have you ever stopped saying you had enough before one? A quickie is great as long as both are satisfied. Otherwise it's like stepping onto a roller coaster and immediately exiting on the other side.

      November 18, 2010 at 13:15 | Report abuse |
  29. andy

    haha this isnt news. lets go back to prince william and kate middleton please 😀

    November 18, 2010 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  30. Fernando Magyar

    "when i am having sex with a woman it is my goal to bring them to orgasm, " Why? I discussed this with my own girlfriend and found that if she thought I was doing what ever I did, with the sole purpose of having her achieve orgasm, she felt pressured and was less likely to achieve it. When she finally understood that I really wanted her to achieve orgasm but that it wasn't my only goal, she was able to relax and actually have orgasms. She also finally figured out that I was more than willing to take the time and that I was actually enjoying myself in the process. I'm a very cunning guy, >;^)

    November 18, 2010 at 12:56 | Report abuse | Reply
  31. Doitagain

    ok, do you think kate ever fakes it? 😉

    November 18, 2010 at 12:57 | Report abuse | Reply
  32. anon_1984

    I cannot stress this enough to my female (or male) friends. Please, please say something ladies! If he gets bent out of shape or refuses to improve his sorry sexual habits, then dump him! I finally realized this after having one too many boyfriends who were mechanical humping machines that had no interest in anything but their own pleasure, and finally their behavior caused me to first drift away and then leave. Why should I invest time in an activity that is supposed to be pleasurable to both parties when I'm not getting sexual satisfaction? If I want emotional stability I'll freaking cuddle! Find out before you're tied down whether he's any good, and if he's really worth it teach him, and do this BEFORE he gets the idea he's great at what he does. Would you want your man to tell you after years of "You're beautiful, sexy, etc." that in reality he thinks, "Actually, I only settled down with you because you had a nice personality"? If he's too fast then use toys or foreplay beforehand, and demand it! Do not be weak and timid about your own sexual satisfaction! We are human, we have sex. If we weren't supposed to enjoy sex then the mechanics to achieve orgasm would not be built into us.

    Do you know what you call two people who enjoy each other's company and personality, etc. but do not enjoy sex with each other? YOU CALL THEM FRIENDS.

    November 18, 2010 at 12:58 | Report abuse | Reply
  33. Matt

    When I am with my wife there is nothing to fake or joke about. I am 200 pounds of muscle and work her out!

    November 18, 2010 at 12:59 | Report abuse | Reply
    • citizenUSA

      Are you sure? Faking it to get 200 pounds off you seems reasonable. (LOL)

      November 18, 2010 at 13:03 | Report abuse |
  34. citizenUSA

    Yeah, I believe a man can fake it but, without the partner knowing? Anyway, I compare having sex to going to an amusement park. Once you gain admission, all the bells and whistles are just extras and at some point you don't even notice them, (just kidding). The important thing is to find out if you're not doing the things that satisfy your partner or if he/she is unable to achieve an orgasm. It happens. That's when you pull out every trick in the book to to try and change that. If you can't, there may be some other issues that to be addressed.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:00 | Report abuse | Reply
  35. steph

    tantric sex....that's the answer.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:04 | Report abuse | Reply
    • JB519

      absolutely

      November 18, 2010 at 15:19 | Report abuse |
    • CitizenJP

      or in other words, sex with full awareness. Before one can have tantric sex one needs to know the following:
      – The goal of tantric sex is higher awareness, not ordinary sexual pleasure. Of course, the by-product is sexual ecstacy.
      – Before men and women can participate in tantric sex, they have to attain perfection in some muscle coordination, practice of awareness, and breathing.
      – Men can have orgasm like women. Ejaculation is a much diluted form of orgasm.

      November 18, 2010 at 16:01 | Report abuse |
  36. CJ

    Women in a relationship faking it on anything close to a regular basis are getting exactly what they deserve. I'm a guy and I'll compair us to dogs...if a dog starts barking to go out and pees on the floor before you can let him out you don't tell him he's a good boy and give him a treat do you?

    Don't give me that BS about 'protecting the fragile male ego'. If it is a real relationship the guy wants to make you happy, make you feel good, if he doesn't what are you bothering to 'protect' him for anyway?

    November 18, 2010 at 13:04 | Report abuse | Reply
  37. Chub

    For the men I would suggest a good work-out to build muscle and spike your testosterone. Then I would eat a lot of pizza, protein and turkey. Then your wife should dress up in sexy lingerie.
    If you are having problems try practicing on a blow-up doll. Remember the trick is to work her for a good 45 minutes or so. After that there will be nothing to fake it about.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:05 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Laura

      Please, please, please tell me you were trying to be funny, please........

      November 18, 2010 at 15:07 | Report abuse |
    • Mok

      I think my pen1s just threw up

      November 18, 2010 at 15:58 | Report abuse |
  38. Ted

    I agree with Ian, most men learn how to boink from porn movies and they also have no time for foreplay. Let's face it, most men do not put in the effort or really care whether or not a female finds her "Cheery O". So instead of scolding women who fake orgasms, how about we start looking at ourselves. Look at the root of the problem people not at the reaction to it.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:08 | Report abuse | Reply
  39. Maria

    I communicate with my partner about sex and how I feel and what I want from him, but he can't always bring me to that point that I have an orgasm so yeah I fake it... is it bad? No I don't think so. I'm not going to crush his ego because a couple times here or there he can't get me to that point. I'm not going to make it harder for him to orgasm because he is too worried if I'm having one or not. Men don't understand that if we don't you would really realize how much you are bad at it-thank god my partner is not bad at sex. But I have had past partners that just did not have a clue. If you need to be taught what to do you are really lost-sex is a natural thing... either you're good or you're not.

    And for the men that are saying why are you with them if they can't bring you to a climax.... it's not all about that in a relationship and we can look past things like that because we enjoy you as a person.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:09 | Report abuse | Reply
  40. MXD

    The problem with faking it is that the "faker" is lying to her \ his partner. In what should be the greatest depth of intimacy. If the "fakee" detects that it's fake, or finds out later, that's a betrayal and hurtful. And it undermines the trust between the two people. I'd say the best tact is complete honesty – the woman should TELL her partner – "Hey, I don't always cum, but I still enjoy it", or "It's not happening tonight", or "Could you be just a LITTLE slower and gentler with your tongue?" and I'd think the majority of men would understand and appreciate the honesty.

    That said, as a man, the MORE responsive and orgasmic the woman is during sex, the BETTER the sex. And that DOES make us men feel more virile. That's just the way it is. Guess that's why this is such a sensitive topic.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  41. joe

    Communicate. My wife doesn't fake it. How do I know? Cause when it isn't going to happen, she says, look babe, it isn't gong to happen. Does it hurt the ego? Sure, a bit. But I'd rather the honesty cause the ego soars when you know you got it right the next time.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:10 | Report abuse | Reply
  42. Zac

    Very thought provoking. I suppose lying, even "white lying" is harmful to any relationship...

    November 18, 2010 at 13:11 | Report abuse | Reply
  43. Right!

    I myself do not have orgasms when with a man but that does NOT mean I do not enjoy sex.. Also I do not lie about!

    November 18, 2010 at 13:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  44. Rick in L.A.

    As Woody Allen once said. "Not once did I ever need to fake it. Even on my worst day, it was always right on the money."

    November 18, 2010 at 13:12 | Report abuse | Reply
  45. Jeff

    Women fake it? Really? What, like fake hair color, fake boobs, fake nails, fake height (heels)....
    So what if its an occasional fake orgasm, guys fake romantic-ness at times. I we can make our significant other feel good and loved, they in turn will make us feel good and loved.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:13 | Report abuse | Reply
  46. corkpuller

    Go til she gushes. When she ejaculates she is not faking.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:13 | Report abuse | Reply
    • Ram it

      not all woman do that but another way to tell if they have climaxed is if their cevix is "vibrating". Should be able to feel that on your member. least i can feel my wifes.

      November 18, 2010 at 14:38 | Report abuse |
  47. Codepwned

    Communication is always an issue in relationships. Some things every couple communicates well... the other not so much. There are a plethora of reasons for why they don't communicate well but it typically starts with not feeling able to tell the other without fear of... X. Here's a quick lesson for any woman that I think applies to 99% of the population. If you make a man feel wanted, and sexually aroused through words, movements... whatever floats his boat... you can always get him to learn you better. It's called coaxing and a solid learning method.

    However... if you bitch and complain we are more apt to show the "in one ear out the other" complex.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:14 | Report abuse | Reply
    • phillth

      AGREED, some of these folks are just too much

      November 18, 2010 at 18:52 | Report abuse |
  48. Quizzle

    I don't fake it, but when I reach the O, often he can't even tell. Is being intentionally vocal about it "faking"?
    Also, if the woman hasn't come, I'd like the man to keep doing something! Faking is not in my interest, nor the interest of my lover whose desire is to please me. There are other options than penis if the man is "done". It doesn't mean he can't be involved. Thinking about this makes me feel really grateful for my man... so persistent and sincere in his desire to get me off 🙂

    November 18, 2010 at 13:16 | Report abuse | Reply
  49. Hardup

    To all those ladies who fake it: Just do what my wife does...DON'T HAVE SEX. Have a headache, be "too stressed out", read a book thats "so good" you can't think of doing anythng else. It's nothing your husband can't fix with internet porn and a little lubricant!

    November 18, 2010 at 13:16 | Report abuse | Reply
    • LG

      Wow, sorry bro!

      November 18, 2010 at 13:27 | Report abuse |
    • Word

      Word! (aka, exactly)

      November 18, 2010 at 13:35 | Report abuse |
  50. you know....

    maybe if we went about adulthood actually being truthful (not in a rude way, but truthfully) and stopped tiptoeing around everyone's feelings by *lying* to them then we could all actually get on with our lives.

    November 18, 2010 at 13:18 | Report abuse | Reply
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