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November 4th, 2010
03:59 PM ET
Does a clean kitchen lead to more sex? The art of 'chore-play'Want to get lucky tonight, Guys? Then perhaps you should reach for a bottle of Windex before you reach for her body. No, I’m not suggesting anything kinky. In fact, the concept of “choreplay”—that women are more likely to want to have sex when their male partner helps out around the house—is a hot topic in research circles:
Our experts at Good in Bed agree: “When we first started talking about the sex–chore connection, my husband was offended,” admits Heidi Raykeil. “To him, it felt a little as if I was withholding sex unless he was a 'good boy' and did his chores. But if I’m in the mood and the kitchen’s a mess—Errrt! Mental brake screech. My head is suddenly filled with dirty dishes and duties, instead of sex. For me, choreplay just helps a potentially hot situation stay that way.” The “mental brake screech” Heidi describes is actually backed by science: Researchers in the Netherlands found that “the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety.” In a study in which the brains of men and women were scanned during the process of sexual response using a technique called positron emission tomography (PET), the results showed that the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion reduce during sexual activity. Men showed far less change in these areas of the brain. Says Dr. Gert Holstege, “What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm.” So what’s the lesson? If you want to turn a woman on, the key is to help her turn off—turn off her brain, that is—and that means helping her not worry: like about all the chores that still need to be done. Of course, it’s tough for a woman to chill out when she comes home from one job, only to be burdened by a “second shift” of cleaning, cooking, and chaos. In that scenario, sex is just one more task on her to-do list. The goal of choreplay: to move sex to the top of that list by helping her cross off some of the less scintillating items. Men aren’t mind readers, but most of us are aware enough to notice when the sink is full of dirty dishes or the garbage is overflowing. Once guys start carrying our weight around the house, we’re apt to find that women have more energy in the bedroom. There’s no motivation like sex! And for all of you guys out there who are already doing your share of the housework, more power to you. But choreplay isn’t just about chores, says Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University and sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute. “It’s very important not to get into a ‘bartering’ system or even to see it as a man ‘helping his wife’ with chores,” she warns. “Household chores and parenting are shared responsibilities that researchers have generally found women spend more time on than men. When couples have a more equal partnership, they do tend to have more satisfying sex lives.” In my own life, I've noticed that when I take the time to really play with my kids, my wife finds me sexier—and my chances of sex improve. Of course, playing with my kids isn’t a chore, but it's interesting how all the stuff outside the bedroom can make or break what happens inside. Says Good in Bed expert, Kristen Mark, “ One of the reasons many women get turned on by these out-of-bedroom acts is because they demonstrate caring in a different way. If it becomes clear that the act is being done as a means to get sex, it can become a turn OFF. So, do these things as a way to help out, not as a way to get sex....and sex just might end up being a bonus!” That said, time to go clean up my house and play with the kids. Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website,GoodInBed.
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Any wife that withholds sex for any reason should fully expect her husband to be sleeping with someone else!!
lol helz yeah
Hope you don't get cold in that cave tonight!!
Ridiculous. Why do men put up with this kind of crap? I absolutely think men should help around the house, but, it shouldn't be "for sex". Holding sex as a bargaining chip is disgusting. So I'm asking again, "why do men put up with this kind of crap?"
I think it comes down to "change" from dating to married life. Men don't want women to change, but they do. And women want men to change, but the men are resistant. Dating brings up a false front where the woman seems a lot more carefree than what she is... Something happens once the wedding bells chime, nothing is good enough anymore.
As I said in my example, my wife is a stay at home mom. I realize how tough that can be on it's own... I do probably more than 50% of the chores around the house, including changing dirty diapers and getting kids ready, for awhile I was even going out doing the grocery shopping. And then there are all the chores that the wife considers "the man things" such as cleaning up the yard, fixing things, and working on the cars.
What does this get me? Constant criticism about how I only look out for myself. You can see how Katy said I was close minded for even mentioning it. Some women have very unrealistic expectations of their men, and the more the guy does, the more they hate him for it.
There is a HUGE difference between "withholding" sex and being too tired for sex. Withholding sex because you're attempting to manipulate your partner is cruel and harmful to the marriage. Not wanting sex because you're exhausted from working a full-time job, raising young children, and taking care of a household is quite another matter. Women STILL do a disproportionately larger amount of housework, even when they work as many hours as their husbands, so it only makes sense if she's too tired at the end of the day. And it ALSO makes sense that if her hubby-poo decides to prepare dinner, clean up after, and put the kiddos to bed that she'll feel more relaxed and open to grown-up playtime later. Simple logic, really.
@Lame: I couldn't agree more. Almost as though you're in my shoes.
@Ruth: Why? Because the emotional and mental pain of effectively being ignored by your wife is less than the pain of being separated from your kids – and overall cheaper than alimony and child support. On the other hand, once the kids are out of the house, I sincerely hope these women have their crap together, because the second the youngest kid turns 18, the women are having all their sh!t tossed out the windows.
the primary reason is that we have no choice
LEB that comment is absurd. Women do not do disproportionately more work. Maybe in your household. Men go out of their way to make lives easy for their wives in the hopes of keeping them from being too tired for intimate times. Doesn't work. Women will always find an excuse to not have sex when the man wants it. It's about control.
@ AGEEK You should be more in tune and spot this kind of attitude before you get married and have kids. Trust me the signs are there.
It's not about the dishes!
It's about how the woman feels emotionally that leads to the desire for sex.
So if a woman feels happy, loved etc because her husband is pitching in and she finds him sexier as a result, than so be it
If you want more sex from your wife then pay more attention to her emotional needs.
I'm here to tell you this is a load of bollocks for a good number of guys – including Lame and myself.
In cleaned, I maintained, I cooked most of our meals, for we would have starved if my wife had cooked, but she strayed, she cheated, she lied about relationships. Bottom line, no pun intended, but she always had to have a third person in relationship – even today with her new, also cheater husband who paid off a $100,000 bribe to a previous lover – which he borrowed from hos 2nd wife!
qq
point me to the mop lawl
I cook, I sweep the kitchen floor, I get the kids off the bus and help them with their homework, I help clean up after dinner, I am home with the kids for two months in the summer, I mow, edge, and trim the lawn, I do most of the gardening and weeding, I volunteer at my kids' school about every month and the school secretaries, both administrators, several custodians, and many teachers know me by name for the work I do at the school. Sometimes I make the kids' lunches, occasionally I'll do some of the laundry and clean the toilets. We both have full time jobs. Granted i don't do much vacuuming, dusting, or laundry, but guess what? According to my "always tired" wife, I don't do enough to help her. I spent two months earlier this year making a conscious effort to do even more around the house and after two months, my wife yells "I'm sick of being the only one who does work around this house!" You can bet I'm not sticking around dealing with this for the rest of my life. When all the kids are of age and out of the house, I am gone.
It's foolish to wait until the kids are out of the house. Why not divorce now, remarry and show your kids what a loving and positive relationship really is. Being in a loveless marriage you can't wait to leave isn't going to teach your daughter or son how to be a positive force in her future relationships. Finally, when you divorce your wife the moment your last kid leaves the home and at some point they find out you stayed married just for them and realize the entire life they knew of Mom and Dad loving one another was a total and complete lie.. think that will make them feel special?
I've seen men & women both choose not to participate in the daily chores of family life. Here's a thought:
If you are in a relationship, and you find yourself sitting on the couch every night with the remote while your significant other does the daily chores: getting the kids homework done/cleaned up/in bed, dishes, trash out, pets fed, etc. you might want to rethink your choices, regardless of gender. That way lies divorce and miserable lives. I totally respect the fact that my husband knows a lot more than me about cars, lawn mowing equipment, and home repair. These are weekend chores, and I too have a set (scrubbing the bathrooms, mopping the kitchen, vacuuming, laundry). These are chores that are not done every day, and are therefore not in the same category. You can put off mowing the lawn or scrubbing the shower until tomorrow if you want to watch the game or are worn out, but the daily chores cannot be ignored- the kids must be fed and taken care of, the trash will stink, and you will need that lunchbox clean in the morning. From my experience, (we both work full-time), if he's sitting on the couch and I'm doing all the daily chores, I resent it, and am therefore less inclined to want to fool around. I bet he feels the same way when I'm sitting down and he's working. It's not about men or women, it's about respecting your partner and understanding that not all chores are the same and families don't work on a points system. Both of you get the tasks out of the way, and you'll have time to crack open a nice adult beverage and pop in a silly movie, and you can enjoy each other without distractions 😉
I like a man who can keep a house clean!
you would love me then....
The only logical answer is that men should not get mad if his wife uses family funds to get a house cleaner to help out, and a woman should not get mad if her husband pays someone else to help out with what she is too tired to do. Why is it fair that women control the ONLY aspect of a marriage that can't be outsourced. Talk about absolute power!
Ah to have the time – between our jobs and our kids we are spread thinner than warm peanut butter.
The only way i can get aroused if the grass is trimmed and the dishes dont smell like fish
My wife is slob. Even when she cooks she's a slob. She tirees herself out so much that she has no energy for me. So I use my energy to clean up after her.
it's relationships that ruin sex in the first place... how's that for some research?!!
One of the first truely intelligent comments on here so far.
In response to the headline question...... WITH WHO?
Moral of this story.... you may not always get to do your wife, but you can always do the dishes.... I guess that's why they invented Joy!
"One recent study from the University of Western Ontario..."
Oh well, Canadians do know how to use their economic stimulus money...
I think that if people are withholding sex because they want another person to behave, do or act a certain way then that is a symptom of a much greater problem in the relationship. From my experiences in teach dating and relationships the most healthy relationships are based on accepting the person the way they are, not trying to change them and punishing their behavior because it is not what you want. That is like asking a cat to be a dog, it can't be, if you wanted a dog get a dog don't try to make a cat something it is not.
And with whom would I be having sex with?
Thanks for the great and informative article. This is very true and as a fact, most break ups is as a result of the lack of cooperation and defeats the vow, 'will be together for better and for worse'. I love it.
So you're saying that if you make your wife/gilfriend/partner happy you will get more sex? I'm astounded at these results.
Ok listen up fellers and other beings without masculinity I feel as a genuine player I get plenty of good booty, and to be a successful and lovable man in the eyes of women you have to be 1. responsible, 2. be buff and lean, 3. have lots of cash, 4. and a beamer M6. If you can't do your own dishes, man the hell up, life aint no toy story. Paper plates are an absolute option though.
Sam Handz
Utter rubbish. My wife HATES it when I do dishes, wipe counters, sweep, vacuum, etc. We often fight when i do any of these things. She's insulted when i clean.
Doing chores with your spouse also can help you bond and make you feel happier.
My husband does chores, but he procrastinates so much that usually by the time he does it I'm stressed out, unhappy, and have already started it myself.
If you really love your wife, you will help her with the chores. Doesn't matter if you get lucky with her or not – guys, we need to love our wives unconditionally.
Get serious!
hee haw
Sorry, but a lot of the men here are missing the point of this article. It isn't some feminist rant about how men aren't doing enough or how women are taking advantage of men, it's the scientifically proven (and personally verified) FACT that most women can't mentally 'relax' and be open to sex when there are other things on their minds. Now, I understand that this is hard for many men to grasp because our minds work differently that way, but in general (and I say in general because there will always be exceptions) it takes a lot less mental preparation for a man to get in the mood than a woman.
Now, it seems the big bone of contention about this article is the 'choreplay' thing, but many seem to be missing the point. For example, I go to college and chores are never really an issue in our apartment. Does that mean I'm constantly ready to have sex? No. Things like finances or a paper being due can distract me just the same way dirty dishes can distract a married woman. Of course, there's nothing my boyfriend can do if I have a big test coming up that's keeping me from getting in the mood, but there are things married men can do if, say, stress over housework is getting in the way of your wife's sexual well-being. But that's just it, though, the housework thing is just one example of a common stressor in many woman's lives. In my case, I'll do all my classwork before I see my boyfriend. In the housework example, though, men can have an impact on their woman's arousal and mood, and that's the point of the article.
In the end, this article never says men aren't doing enough chores around the house (like some people seem to be implying), it's just saying that women can have a harder time getting aroused than men, and in certain cases men can help ease that.
Lea,
Reading your comment here I see that you don't know Jesus Christ. Have you thought about what will happen to you (and your boyfriend) when you die? Jesus is the only way to Heaven. Repent of your sinful life and make Jesus Lord. Don't wait – you could die tonight.
Begone Bible -Thumper! Thy fear-mongering isn't welcome here!
Dan – you're cordially invited to go eff yourself, preferably with a spiked concrete dildo.
Dan,
Oh by the way, has your Jesus got sex organs? Has your "God?" Is there sex in your heaven? Hmmm. ever thought about that? You are a moron...
I hate when people who know nothing about sex try to tell others how to conduct their sex lives. Sad, but at 20 I probably know 10x more about sex than this adult (my guess around 40) man does...
Jesus didn't do dishes.
Dan: its really not your business what Lea's sex life is like or how her spiritual life is.
“the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety.”
YES, EXACTLY!! And women are more prone to anxiety and worry in general... so guys, help us out here, and do your half of the chores without being asked. Maybe occasionally more than half.
I love how women (esp. American & Western Women) like to use sex as a bargaining chip as a power ploy against men. Sex is a very natural and biological need....no different than eating. Am I going to not pay my wife's car note or the mortgage because I'm upset w/ her?! Will I not hold my end of the bargain because I'm 'tired' or 'not in the mood"....give me a break. Ladies take care of your man, make sure he is satisfied and he won't cheat! Period!
I understand that sometimes it's just easier and nicer to have sex with your man when he's 'not in the mood' (something every woman's done...). Still, though, shouldn't it be a husband's concern if his wife is habitually not in the mood and there's something he can do about it? I'm not saying a man has to do everything, I believe in equal sharing of the work...just that there is definitely a problem in the relationship when one partner feels as though they 'have' to have sex even when they don't want to.
Let's be honest, women attract men with sex and then shut them down when they lock them out with marriage. Men will don aprons, see chick flicks and go to musicals in the hopes that you might give them a little action. witholding the goods is cruel and really needs to stop. Venus fly trap baby.
I think you generalize too much. Not all women are like this.
Very good point. This is a Western and North American female point of view. In Eastern and South American households the women do ALL of the chores around the house and they still provide sxx because in those countries sxx is as much a part of marriage as finances and raising children. What these responses have shown is that women have excuses for everything and every possible scenerio. Its the age old situation of damned if you do and damned if you don't. Many men have outlined how they work and still help with the chores only to still get no sxx. The women's response: "You're doing too much or you got a bad one or you need counseling. They are just full of excuse. The bottom line is that America is quick becoming a sxxless society. The fact that Teresa had the nerve to say that sxx once a month was good shows why she's alone.
Jesus wouldn't make my boyfriend so damn attractive if he didn't want me to have sex with him 😀
Operative word is boyfriend. Once that changes to husband sex will go bye bye no matter what you think now. Cruelest trick known to mankind. Sex trap that dries up for no apparent reason.
The worldwide population of women doesn't have some grand plan of scamming every man with sex and marriage... If this is what has happened with you then it sounds more like a problem in YOUR relationship and not some evil feminine scheme...
I do the dishes, cooking, shopping, yard-work, automotive repair, the dog feeding/walking and driving. If you told me what I could to earn sex with my wife even once a week, I do it with a smile on my face. However, chores aint' it yo!
Ask her, not us?
i think she feels youre too busy and she doesnt want to burden you with another "chore" : )
'...sex is just one more task on her to-do list...' Really? Don't let me burden you, honey. There are plenty more where YOU came from and sex isn't a "chore" for them!
Yes, yes I absolutely would..
Ok listen up fellers and other beings without masculinity I feel as a genuine player I get plenty of good booty, and to be a successful and lovable man in the eyes of women you have to be 1. responsible, 2. be buff and lean, 3. have lots of cash, 4. and a beamer M6. If you can't do your own dishes, man the hell up, life aint no toy story. Paper plates are an absolute option though.
Sam Handz with my account logged on @_@
Yes, if it would be with the woman of my choice!
Seriously, if men need to do chores, or anything for sex, than it is a barter for sex and that makes his wife a whore! Men need to be liberated from this toxic thinking. If she doesn't want to have sex with you because she loves you and you are her man, than move on, if not out. Let her move out. Cleaning women are cheaper, and more honest.
Chores for sex? Married men are so hard up they'll do anything to get some attention. Women are beyond complicated.
I take out the trash, mow the lawn, take the kids to daycare, take my son to pre-school, pay the bills, clean the living room, clean the bathroom, and I also cook dinner a couple of nights a week. Despite all of this. My wife and I have regular fights where she claims like she feels like she does everything becuase she does the dishes and the laundry. By the way, we picked the chores we wanted to do, so she chose the dishes and the laundry! She uses the same excuse, where she is too worn out or has too much anxiety to have sex. The idea in this article is not fool-proof!
Sorry man. That sucks. Women are srewy for unknown reasons.
It is counter intuitive. The more you do for the other, the less you are appreciated. Stop doing things for the woman and force her to invest in you. Remember, you are the man. You are the planner and the problem solver. You give her certainty and security in life. You will take a bullet for her – that is worth a lot. Let her do the womans work. You do the mens work and you both will be better off. Remember "her complaint has no content" is really true.
I'm not doing chores and paying the mortgage.
So let me get this right......men want more sex. Now they are told what to do to get that – (help out, be nice, do something different, do something that is appreciated) and all they want to do is complain about how to get what they want. No wonder they still don't "get it." Sure, this doesn't work for all women, but for many of us, a little help and sharing of the housework- without judgement or criticism – goes a long way. If "deeds" are her "Love Language", then here is the clue you've been looking for.
It works for me.
Hey I'll admit I've done some amazingly way out things for sex. And to this day, I don't regret them. It's nice to do things for the one you love. In fact, many of the "choreplay" I've done was on a voluntary basis; inasmuch, the sex typically has been as voluntary and usually frequents the same level of chores done, both by her and by me. Sex and chores ... yep, that's my ideal world.
Ok listen up and only read it once. Look I understand how women can find men who clean attractive. Take example 1 for instants.
Example 1: Sam Handz
Sam Handz does his dishes and is a very clean individual. He doesn't need to be dependent on a spouse or nobody. He is responsible. He is successful. He has the money and the power.
Chasing tail is like riding a bike now, it just comes natural. IDK how it happens sometimes, it's like "we-ow, what's the date again" In other words, I can die alone and still be loved
How about this.....my woman wants sex because it feels awesome for her. She craves it more than me. I can be a total tool and she still wants it like crazy.
I noticed when you do extreme cleaning, almost to the point of obsessive compulsive cleaning that it drives chicks wild in the sack. Chocolates and flowers help too and mixed in with extreme cleaning you'll have a recipe that will give you the ride of your life over and over. Expensive toys help too – houses, fancy cars, diamonds, world-travel, etc. There's some kind of brain connection in regards to maids and cleanliness that causes a super libido explosion like none other.
I've been in the position of being both the higher earner AND having the expectations of all cooking and cleaning put on me, and I can tell you that it's pure resentment that killed my sexual attraction toward my significant other. How is it sexy when I come home after a long day at work and he's asking what I'm going to make for dinner? How can I be turned on by a guy who's so chauvinistic (or incompetent) that he can't load the dishwasher or fold a load of laundry? I'd say my fantasies were more along the lines of stuffing his own dirty socks down his throat than getting romantic with him. Lazy is not sexy.
this article is intriguing and I agree with it fully. My husband am I are happy and both of us do our fair share of cleaning. We both work full time jobs, but at the end of the day we always take time for eachother. The one thing that makes us special is that we talk about EVERYTHING! If I feel like I need help with something, I tell him. If he wants physical attention, he tells me. We work together and communicate and our sexlife is fantastic. Communication is key!
I totally agree with Herbnick, it's important to break the idea that when men help around the house they're "pitching in." Both partners should be expected to share the housework, it shouldn't be considered "special" when one of them does chores.
If women would just learn that all men want is meat,potatoesand sex everyday they wouldnt have to do anything around the house
Obviously there are counterexamples on both sides and all the generalizing does nothing.
All I know is when I work a 50 hour week, my boyfriend a 20, and he has the nerve to ask me to vacuum when I get come while he hangs out with friends all day....Yeah, no way, man. It's not as much about earning it as much as putting me in a not-feeling-like-his-mother mood to get me to even consider it.
Everyone does a lot but the more you do the more you are expected to do to recieve the same reward...keep that in mind.
as soon as she grabs a rake.. i will grab the windex.. she can do my chores.. and then we will think about having sex..
Yard and vehicle maintenance, which are occasional jobs, do not equal the day-in and day-out tasks of cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, dishes, laundry and making sure that the household is running competently. Hour for hour, housework is the far bigger responsibility. I'm sure most women would be willing to swap.
Sex is gross.