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October 28th, 2010
03:37 PM ET
Men and sex: Survival of the quickest
Even though it’s often the butt of many jokes, premature ejaculation (PE) is no laughing matter. It’s the most common type of sexual dysfunction a man can have, with many experts estimating that up to 30 percent of men have PE. In my new book Overcoming Premature Ejaculation, I use the latest research to distinguish myth from reality and offer a new approach for managing a condition that has left many men, myself included, feeling like a sexual cripple. There’s been a lot of disagreement and discussion in the medical community about how we should define PE. But the latest, most widely accepted definition—from the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM)— says that PE is a male sexual dysfunction characterized by:
To say that it’s tough to talk about PE is an understatement. Most guys don’t want to admit that they’ve got any kind of sexual problem, especially one as sensitive as ejaculating too soon. It doesn’t help that stereotypes about PE tend to label it as a problem limited to teenagers (just take a look at movies like "American Pie" or "Fast Times at Ridgemont High") or selfish jerks (Lorena Bobbitt famously claimed, after cutting off her husband’s penis, “He always has an orgasm and doesn’t wait for me”). The truth is that PE can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how much experience you have, or how much you know about sex. What was once believed to be an anxiety disorder is now thought to include not just psychological factors but biological origins as well. Most guys with PE have chronic PE—they’ve never known any other way. Do you suffer from chronic PE? 1. Are you unable to control how long you last during sex? 2. Do you climax within a minute or less of starting intercourse? 3. Have you tried various methods to deal with PE, only to have your hopes dashed? 4. Are you dissatisfied with your sex life? 5. Do you often worry about pleasing your partner? 6. Does even foreplay often lead to “end of play?” 7. Do you avoid intimate situations because they could lead to premature ejaculation—so why even bother? 8. Has PE damaged your relationships with women? If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you could have chronic PE. And you’re not alone. Although the stereotype of PE tends to be a teenager who can’t control himself, nothing could be further from the truth. Because lifelong PE is chronic, it’s a problem in young and old men alike. It’s true that your ejaculatory control does get a little better with age, but that’s because your body is getting older, not because your PE is improving. In fact many older men with PE face the double whammy of erectile dysfunction. Researchers now believe there well may be a genetic basis for chronic PE, not unlike congenital heart problems and other conditions present at birth. Studies of twins show an increased risk of PE in families, and one Dutch study found that men with PE were likely to have at least one first-degree relative (such as a father or brother) with PE, too. This tells us it’s possible that PE is has a genetic basis and that your risk for it may be inherited, just as your risk for heart disease and some types of cancer. In my book Overcoming Premature Ejaculation the program I recommend is biopsychosocial, or combination therapy, which combines behavioral, medical, and interpersonal approaches. That means there are: 1. Behavioral techniques - things you can do during sex. For years sex therapists have been advising men that PE can be cured with two techniques that focus on arousal-awareness and postponing climax. But in fact, those techniques have limited efficacy. If anything, they often interrupt sex. Instead, I suggest a unique series of sexual positions that allow men to maintain sexual interaction without the interruption of more commonly recommended techniques. 2. Medical therapies - medications such as SSRIs that help to delay ejaculation and other medical approaches that are on the near horizon. While pharmaceutical solutions shouldn't be relied upon on their own, they can help guys to get a jump-start on managing PE and developing sexual self-esteem. 3. Interpersonal methods - changes to the way you relate during and around sex. For example, many women don't understand PE and often think that men with the condition are sexually selfish. In fact, this couldn't be further from the truth. Men with PE care greatly about their partners' sexual satisfaction, and need to be able explain the issue without shame and develop alternative paths to pleasure with their partners. For best results, you need a combination of all three. While we can’t cure PE – because there frankly is no cure – we can learn to manage and ultimately “overcome” it. Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
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Don't forget, when possible, mastuabtion a few hours before the real deal gets rid of the fluids and lowers the excitement
level factor. It works!! I think that was Fatty Arbuckle and Ron Jeremy's trick. Lots of other pornstars too.
This article provides good information, but it is clearly heterosexist. Most suggestions in the article reference interactions with women/wife/girlfriend. The author could have done a better job at not alienating the gay readers, by referencing sexual interactions with one's partner.
His writing overlooks that gay men may have PE, too, and they should be included by not referencing only women sexual partners.
After the first orgasm just keep on going it will actually make you last much longer
WHATS THE BIG DEAL!!!!
This article provides good information, but is clearly hetero-sexist. All the advice and background information referenced female partners, using terms like "wife" and "girlfriend." It excludes gay men who may experience the same problems with their partners. Words count. The author could have been more inclusive by referencing "partners" or "sexual partners."
I always like to ride for fifteen or twenty minutes before busting my nut!!!
I'm have been going too fast but my wife and I never had a problem with it coz i have lots of reserves, and I can manage to have a second hard-on while i'm still inside her. More often than frequent, the first is just a foreplay.
If a man and woman are sexually compatiable there sex life is typically pretty good. But if either of the two are lazy and has no drive you mind as well being pounding a pillow and who wants to pound a pillow for a hour. I just sayin.....
A good Partner should help with getting the second round going. If I have to wait for a week for something I want everyday I want it to last a little while. Second round is always more fun. PE is OK for solos not for duets. 1 hour of foreplay 20 minutes locked in is plenty. Tongues never go off to soon.
This is a pretty sad article. If you ask me, any man who is this worried about PE is with the WRONG woman/partner. Anyone who loves you or in love with you, will work with you on it. Plus... there's lots of other things you can do to satisfy the other party. This is why you hold out for love.
It may be that PE has an evolutionary survival function. That is, one who can end it quicker is reproduced, while one who is slow may be interrupted and not reproduce. On the other hand, the one who can keep a woman returning for a repeat performance also has an enhanced chance of reproducing.
Gotta say I agree with Bunny – most guys just want to get off and don't spend enough time in 'warming up'. I'm a sports guy and know that the more you warm up, the better the performance. Your lady will appreciate it and will want to do it more often. Plus, if you don't warm up properly you could pull a muscle!!
PE is not sexual dysfunction. It is a species and blood line survival skill. It comes from when we were mere wild animals and we needed to get done as quickly as possible so our seed would be more likely to get to the egg before someone else's or before the saber tooth tiger came by to have us for lunch. Procreation was never about pleasing your partner. It is all about impregnation and the simple truth is the faster your are the more likely you will succeed.
What is funny is that a few guys posted snide comments about thinking about other women (mostly as a joke means of preventing overexcitement) and then we see a long stream of bitter women posting about how they think about other men constantly when having sex. You've proved nothing except your sex life sucks and wrapped it up in a "no you see everyone does it!" box. It is true that in monogamous relationships there will always be times you notice another sexual attractiveness. But to have a sex life that revolves around imagining someone else? That's not normal no matter how many women (or men) act like emotional crutches for each other's stupid and depressing viewpoints.
sure jesus,.... a world of disposable in todays world. mate disposable. marriage disposable. kids disposable. the ultimate is the kids becoming disposable and knowing no better. what a world to live in
ah smash the guys repetitive "joke" is mere reflex of dissing a whole gender, anyway, anytime. ignore the root and go after a limb.... when a woman is continualy bashed at all times, in every way, eventually there will be mutual disrespect. adn inevitably the male will whine why he is not loved. because, the feeling is being recipocated. pretend otherwise, and continue on with a messed up, angry life. and blame the woman, at all cost. just as you blame mama for all the failures in life.
...come on, if a man doesn't really want to have sex with a woman then why wouldn't impotency and PE be problems?
I would expect that, wouldn't you? Oh but that only makes sense, forgive me.
Guys worry no more. just run to your nearest pharmecy and grab your self a box of Trojan Extended Climax Control condom, and you will pray for me for a long time. This condom has worked like magic on me, I mean, I can go for an hour or more, sometimes I have to take the condom off , wash my penis to clean the numbing lubricant and then continue for another ten minutes of hard core in order to get an edjaculation,you must wait at least five minutes before you get it on. If you use this , just try to avoid foreplay for the first couple of times and avoid looking at her face at the beginning of intercourse. some condoms may have very little lubricant and they may not help that much ,but I have MANDELAY from wallgreens pharmacy and I just add a drop or rub on the head. I hope this will help you guys.
Then she leaves you because you are not looking at her face and she feels objectified...
use a latex glove and u'll get 4 more reservoirs to fill without changing!
I don't think that PE is a problem. If the guy is so turned on that he EPs that's awesome in my book.
Great article, but smart college girls & guys already know and trust a non-prescription, natural climax control supplement for men that boosts brain serotonin levels in men (only when they need it most) - which helps men last longer in bed, even in guys that don't have premature ejaculation (PE) or climax control problems. This natural serotonin enhancer capsule for men works to control male premature climax, PLUS it doesn't numb anyone's genitals. The original natural climax control supplement for men is sold by safe trusted major online retailers. We Sorority girls know what we really want, and we know how to get it. Everyone likes a fresh-cut lawn, nobody likes a sprinter, and nobody likes to be numbed. Enjoy!
HOW TO GET RID OF PE
Casually perusing posts by others, I can't help but notice several persistent themes for FINDING A PE CURE, namely:
1. Ride on a reserve tank before springing into action. The logic here is that with the less fuel in your cannons, the chances of spontaneous combustion are decreased;
2. Go all out once, pretend like nothing happened, regroup and just keep plowing forward;
3. Consume alcohol in moderation so as to lose some of sensation without completely losing your motor skills preventing you from entering the right insertion point;
4. Take a trip to Tibet and cure PE with ancient Tantra techniques;
5. Divorce your current wife and find a one minute woman to better synchronize your clocks;
6. Visit your neighboring pharmacy and procure a numbing cream typically used to relief tooth ache;
7. Brush up on your vector calculus and differential equations and focus on solving the extra hard problems in the midst of
extracurricular activity;
8. Experiment with changing your sexual orientation;
9. Move to an NGO country where women place less premium on one's ability to delay coming out of bodily fluids and more value on the speed of pouring of financial benefits;
10. Apply a medical solution such a carefully measure combination of anti-depressants and viagra;
11. Use positions that authors purposely excluded from the book Joy of Sex because they are more uncomfortable then pleasing;
12. Focus on pleasing your partner with movements of your tongue and fingers as a substitute;
13. Attempt to convince yourself that at least 30% of male population suffers from the same condition and that you are not the worst in sex;
14. Develop an open marriage so that your partner can finally find real joy in sex;
15. Allocate 30 minutes per day to kegel exercises;
16. Develop a relationship with a partner who is repulsing and gross;
17. Breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breather in, take it out, wait, relax, put it back in, resume breathing;
18. Attend a local acting school and learn how to charm your partner with good humor rather than your bedroom abilities;
19. Interview your partner early and eliminate those for whom sex is important;
20. Do nothing and wait until you are a geriatric for condition to improve naturally
And a few more suggestions... Overall though, what I noticed, is that none of these offer a true solution to the problem.
THE REAL SOLUTION
If you want to find a real solution, you need to improve your lifestyle. Improving your lifestyle includes improving your diet, exercising more, losing excess weight, moving to place with mountains and ocean, getting a four legged friend, developing and nurturing new friendships, picking a new sport or enrolling in evening classes at your local college.
All of these actions combined will make you a happier and a more satisfied person, which will in turn make you forget about your PE problems altogether.
At least temporarily… That is to say, until you meet a beautiful, outgoing, athletic, funny woman of your dreams that leaves you and goes back to her ex after she learns about your condition.
Men with premature ejaculation can actually become multi-orgasmic with some practice, because orgasm and ejaculation are actually two separate events. Check out the book "Sex in the Golden Years – the best sex ever" see http://www.boomerbookseries.com
The only practice needed for multi-orgasm is to keep on keeping on. Forget the orgasms–they'll happen–just enjoy the journey. I've never had to do tantric, kegel or anything else. Just don't let preconceptions get in the way and continue until your lady friend is happy.
Is 2 minutes considered PE???
smash, i never felt the need to diss my husband. i dont buy into that. it is as foolish to dismiss all the men with their hate that really is just a "joke" when it is epidemic in the male world. you treat your women well? adn have a good life? bully for you. i do the same and dont have to whine about the other gender because i too am happy. so why the continual need by males to put women in their place. you know that is not going ot create a condusive environment for both genders, as you dont do that. it is going to create the animosity that exists on this thread. why blame women, exclusively?
For all of the women out there who object to the premise that procreation was never about pleasing your partner and that it is all about impregnation and the faster your are the more likely you will succeed, I offer this observation. Unfulfilled female pleasure is a critical factor. It is the unfulfilled female pleasure that drives the female to have multiple partners in a quest for fulfillment. Multiple partners means a wider gene pool for the species, thus increasing its survival potential. It is all about biology and evolution, emotions came much later.
Not a problem for us. My wife doesn't believe in Post Marital Sex.
It's been so long since we've had sex, I can't remember if I have this problem.
Any offers for evaluation / help from hot chicks in the greater Bakersfield metro-plex?
NEW STUDY FOCUSES OFFERS LITTLE PROMISE TO MEN SUFFERING FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION
Just got an upsetting email from a colleague of mine from Sweden.
His labratory is conducting research on how environmental factors and diet impact sexual health of males aged 18-30. They are comparing these factors to a number hereditary indicators. They are surveying father/son samples as well as applying standard twin methodologies.
So far, the early conclusion is that premature ejaculation is dependent on hereditary factors more so than on anything else and that long-term, one can do little to improve their condition.
What does this mean in layperson's terms? Well, the most striking conclusion is that most men suffering from PE will never be able to beat it and there is little they can do to improve their condition no matter how hard they try… to beat it.
My wife and I both do imagine stuff as part of our foreplay and it's totally fine with us and the end result is awesome. I guess to each his own as they say. But I sense a little bit of insecurity there on your part thinking about your partner trying to imagine someone else while you are doing it
"Indeed, for centuries, circumcision has been used as a strategy to reduce sexual gratification (Maimónides, 1963, p. 609). According to Saperstein (1980), quoting Rabbi Isaac Ben Yedaiah, as well as the empirical findings of Bensley and Boyle (2001), and O’Hara and O’Hara (1999), heterosexual intercourse is less satisfying for both partners when the man is circumcised. Due to the neurological injury caused by circumcision, and the resultant reduction of sensory feedback
(Immerman & Mackey, 1998), it is highly likely that circumcision may promote sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation, and consequently, also the reduction of female sexual pleasure (cf. Money & Davison, 1983). The possible deleterious effects on social and marital relationships (cf. Hughes, 1990) may be considerable, especially in countries where most men have been circumcised."
Source: http://epublications.bond.edu.au/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1036&context=hss_pubs
I have heard that even many non-Jewish Americans are circumsized – just like Muslims and Jews. If so, why? (This sounds utterly barbaric to most Europeans.) Maybe that is the REAL problem here.
I know this pain. I can't go for more than an hour at a time. 😎
Yeah, it was a real jolt when the ED chemicals came out and their ads started warning about 2 to 4 hour erections.
What lots of men said on here. Practice, rub one out that day you know you'll be doing it. Kegel's. Compatibility with the woman. Smoke some weed beforehand...and it feels kind of "out of body" while you're having sex. Had this one girlfriend...deep down I knew she wasn't right for me. It affected the sex for sure. Especially when she'd be insulting about it. Amazing I put up with it for 3 years. Met a girl a year or so later, amazing connection. Amazing girl. Amazing sex. Too bad it didn't last due to geographical factors. And yes women, it just feels that good! That's why I aim to please when it comes to oral.
NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT 47% OF MEN SURVEYED REPORT SEXUAL INTERCOURSE LASTING LESS THAN 90 SECONDS
Ever since my good colleauge Ian Kerner published this article, I have been in contact with several researches to get some primary sources on this subject matter. Just got an email from a good friend of mine at U. of Copenhagen. They have a working draft conference paper that addresses the exact issue discussed here.
A group of researches have been observing a group of Danish fishermen and had conducted numerous interviews on this subject matter. They picked Danish fishermen because this group has a unique characteristic of high percent of mongomous heterosexual relationships.
Early conclusions– the fishermen on average report having a vaginal intercourse 4.5 timer per month with an average duration of just over 2 minutes. Based on the data collected to date, 47% of men reported having vaginal intercourse that lasts on average 90 seconds or less.
Of those surveyed, on average fishermen reported having total intercourse time of 17 minutes. This includes vaginal intercourse and other.
As the next step, in order to get more accurate picture of the problem with premature ejaculation, my colleague is looking to setup several hands-on what if scenarios to better understand how fishermen spend their intercourse time and divide between vagianl and other activities.
All in all, I think that this just substantiates what many of us have know all along - men compensate for lack of stamina with women in other ways.
Why does it have to be the man being too fast? why isnt it the woman taking too long?
They do take a lot of time doing other things,and if we have to do all the work we should be able to finish when we want to without dealing with a bunch of crap.
THE BEST ADVICE I WAS EVER GIVEN ON HOW TO GET PAST PE
I posted on this already but I wanted to remind everyone - the best thing you can do about PE is do exactly nothing.
What do you mean nothing, doc? Well, it just means to accept that you will always have PE and manage to live with it.
All studies have shown that in the long-term (30-40years), men with PE can achieve the same level of personal satisfaction and self-esteem as men without PE condition. For one, we all choose our partners. So perhaps before jumping into bed, you should ask your partner: Is sex really important to you? Can we substitute it with a nice dinner and a nice dessert and a bottle wine? You will be surprised that you will actually be able to find a number of eligible women who will take the second choice. Sure, you may have to go on a hundred dates to find your asexual partner, but sure is worth it. You will never have to worry about your partner fantasizing about her ex and their prolonged sex and her intense orgasm that is physically impossible with your condition.
Again, think long term and you will find happiness.
So-called premature ejaculation is actually an evolutionary adaptation in the face of competition. The faster the male impregnates the female, the less chance he has to be knocked off and have his place taken by another male. Yes, the act of human procreation used to be brutal and highly competitive.
As a male, the more relaxed & familiar I am with my partner, the longer I last during intercourse (30 min +). When with someone new, however, I have to be careful not to blow a gasket too soon. It's all in the natural order of things.
Calling this a dysfunction is strictly a marketing ploy.
HOW TO DEAL WITH PE – THE BEST ADVICE FOR THOSE SUFFERING FROM PE
A lof of male patients ask– How should I deal with PE? What we typically tell them here is essentially this. We ask them: Do you feel negative that you are not as good looking as Brad Pitt or George Clooney? Do you feel bad that you are not as attractive to females as Brett Favre? Do you feel bad that you are not as athletic as Kobe Bryant? Do you feel bad that you are not as intelligent as Donald Trump? Do you feel bad that your female partner is likely to be more attracted to majority of celebrities than she is attracted to you even if those are just celebrities on reality TV shows? Do you feel bad that you cannot buy a multimillion dollar home for your wife or buy her a Tiffany diamond?
When you start asking all those questions we see essentially the same pattern– most patients typically start to slowly sinking in their chairs as they start realizing that they simply have to live with PE and that once they get over the fact that they will never be able to please their wifes or girlfriends the same way her ex was able to and that there is just absolutely nothing they can do about it, they are able to find certan peace in depsair. This peace is where the cure begins, slow process of realization that not being a sexual superman is ok just like it's ok not to be very good looking or super rich. It's ok.
If this advice helps just one person on this board, just one male desperate to find answers to their PE issues, I will feel that my job is done here.
I HOPE THIS IS HELPFUL.
MUST READ TECHNIQUE IF YOU FIND YOURSELF TO BE A QUICK RELEASE MAN
Alright, so here is goes again. For all those of us who need a bit of a help with controlling what our penis does.
Here is what you do. As you are approaching here (if you have a really bad PE, you may already start feeling sperm coming up your pipes), start thinking the following: "I am not the most attractive male, yet I survived 30 years (INSERT YOUR AGE HERE), I am not the most witty guy, yet I was able to get this woman, I am not the most athletic guy, yet I am still living, I am balding a bit, yet I am still breathing, I don't have the "Situation" abs and butt is flat, yet I can still walk this earth, I have not been able to make millions on this life, yet I can still have enough change to buy a Big Mack, my beer belly will just keep getting worse as time goes by and my chin will get thicker as I age, yet I will still be able to move on, I never was able to get into an Ivy League yet I am not yet unemployed or If I am, it's temporary.... Life is good... I am here with this woman even if she is not that beautiful, she is a woman, she has female organs, even if they smell a bit and they are not as pretty as the ones I am used to seeing on the Internet... I am still here, I exist, and even if I ejaculate now, this minute, I will still exist, even if this woman leaves me for her ex tomorrow, I will still survive.... I survive therefore I live... I am not the greatest but I am better than the worst.... And even if I am the worst this woman has seen, there are other women who have seen guys worse than me.... If I ejaculate in 30 seconds, there must have been another guy before me who ejaculated in 20 seconds....
So the moral of this– don't beat yourself, be content... Live life.... It's not about being the best or the greatest...
I think goin for a second round might help in PE
I have written about several techniques and remedies for PE in my book The Porn Star Guide to Great Sex. It's available at MrMarcus.com or Amazon.com
If you want to prolong your sexual encounters I'll give you 2 surefire methods to last longer......
1. Have sex Just Before you have to Pee.....in trying to hold back from peeing inside your partner you'll last longer and not have PE
2. Have sex when you know you have to fart.....in trying to hold back the fart out of PURE EMBARASSMENT you'll also be holding back your PE
I had a staggeringly severe case of PE (0 to 15 seconds) and accidentally cured it when I started taking gabapentin (neurontin) for anxiety. I had tried SSRIs, which helped but also affected erections, but once I started the neurontin I became a sexual dynamo. Others who lived in my girlfriend's house would ask, "DUDE, how do you go so LONG??" It was like a dream come true.
any anti anxiety meds should work especially have a drink with one...but always read the label for safe use..
I sometimes just stop and ask a girl to slap me...it really works for me...or work it up to a little comes out always will desensitize but it takes control of your organ..
being perfectly honest the girls that I really have loved I performed wawy better..I attribute it to caring more for the other person and thinking of herso God just simply blessed me in those situations...In others where I might want to get off to sson God was telling me hes not going to help me out at the cost of anotheres emotions..Saying he isnt rewarding me with great sex because I was self seving myself and could really caeless about the women her feelings and knew I didnt want to be with her...And all t he lies I told..
In nature, the man who can give the goods to the woman the fastest and move on can guarantee the most offspring from the most mates.
It is only the female's desire for "satisfaction" during sex which lead to this make-believe disease. Make-believe, because in the sense, the man has fulfilled his biological role. The man is made to feel guilty or not a whole man due to sociological stigma. This in turn causes emotional issues.
In any case, you can always use the "stalin" method. Jerk yourself to within the moment of finishing and then grip the base of your cock hard, while flexing your prostate/anal muscles. This is kinda like the male version of Kegel's. Train yourself not to spooge.
Men....please...from my heart, I know you all think its "ok" because its just the way it is.......but, imagine the frustration and lost interest from the female side. They give you one touch....and it's already over before they even started doing anything. Consider a woman just starting fore-play and then rolls over and stops the entire encounter.........whether from embarassment or "its just over".....a spouse can't help it, but can any of you understand our side of it? I don't even want to start it, because it's over before I'm even involved. I hate it, and so do they.
Women feel disappointed, but the man feels emasculated and worthless.
I'm a lesbian and tend to come quickly...because I am sleeping with your wives!
@seriously:
You are d*** hilarious!! I laughed so hard I think I pee'd and farted! ha ha! Great post! I'm still laughin! ha ha ha!
Nohting is nicer than to celebrate together a wonderful Chrstmas; Decorating a tree shows a great sense of cooperation and respect towards one anohter. One can discover a lot working together.
HO HO HO
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