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October 28th, 2010
03:37 PM ET
Men and sex: Survival of the quickest
Even though it’s often the butt of many jokes, premature ejaculation (PE) is no laughing matter. It’s the most common type of sexual dysfunction a man can have, with many experts estimating that up to 30 percent of men have PE. In my new book Overcoming Premature Ejaculation, I use the latest research to distinguish myth from reality and offer a new approach for managing a condition that has left many men, myself included, feeling like a sexual cripple. There’s been a lot of disagreement and discussion in the medical community about how we should define PE. But the latest, most widely accepted definition—from the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM)— says that PE is a male sexual dysfunction characterized by:
To say that it’s tough to talk about PE is an understatement. Most guys don’t want to admit that they’ve got any kind of sexual problem, especially one as sensitive as ejaculating too soon. It doesn’t help that stereotypes about PE tend to label it as a problem limited to teenagers (just take a look at movies like "American Pie" or "Fast Times at Ridgemont High") or selfish jerks (Lorena Bobbitt famously claimed, after cutting off her husband’s penis, “He always has an orgasm and doesn’t wait for me”). The truth is that PE can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how much experience you have, or how much you know about sex. What was once believed to be an anxiety disorder is now thought to include not just psychological factors but biological origins as well. Most guys with PE have chronic PE—they’ve never known any other way. Do you suffer from chronic PE? 1. Are you unable to control how long you last during sex? 2. Do you climax within a minute or less of starting intercourse? 3. Have you tried various methods to deal with PE, only to have your hopes dashed? 4. Are you dissatisfied with your sex life? 5. Do you often worry about pleasing your partner? 6. Does even foreplay often lead to “end of play?” 7. Do you avoid intimate situations because they could lead to premature ejaculation—so why even bother? 8. Has PE damaged your relationships with women? If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, you could have chronic PE. And you’re not alone. Although the stereotype of PE tends to be a teenager who can’t control himself, nothing could be further from the truth. Because lifelong PE is chronic, it’s a problem in young and old men alike. It’s true that your ejaculatory control does get a little better with age, but that’s because your body is getting older, not because your PE is improving. In fact many older men with PE face the double whammy of erectile dysfunction. Researchers now believe there well may be a genetic basis for chronic PE, not unlike congenital heart problems and other conditions present at birth. Studies of twins show an increased risk of PE in families, and one Dutch study found that men with PE were likely to have at least one first-degree relative (such as a father or brother) with PE, too. This tells us it’s possible that PE is has a genetic basis and that your risk for it may be inherited, just as your risk for heart disease and some types of cancer. In my book Overcoming Premature Ejaculation the program I recommend is biopsychosocial, or combination therapy, which combines behavioral, medical, and interpersonal approaches. That means there are: 1. Behavioral techniques - things you can do during sex. For years sex therapists have been advising men that PE can be cured with two techniques that focus on arousal-awareness and postponing climax. But in fact, those techniques have limited efficacy. If anything, they often interrupt sex. Instead, I suggest a unique series of sexual positions that allow men to maintain sexual interaction without the interruption of more commonly recommended techniques. 2. Medical therapies - medications such as SSRIs that help to delay ejaculation and other medical approaches that are on the near horizon. While pharmaceutical solutions shouldn't be relied upon on their own, they can help guys to get a jump-start on managing PE and developing sexual self-esteem. 3. Interpersonal methods - changes to the way you relate during and around sex. For example, many women don't understand PE and often think that men with the condition are sexually selfish. In fact, this couldn't be further from the truth. Men with PE care greatly about their partners' sexual satisfaction, and need to be able explain the issue without shame and develop alternative paths to pleasure with their partners. For best results, you need a combination of all three. While we can’t cure PE – because there frankly is no cure – we can learn to manage and ultimately “overcome” it. Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed.
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The technique that most men who have pm use is to close their eyes and imagine they are making love to their wife.
The corollary is that a New Jersey accent on a woman is the best form of birth control.
So you know when I'm trying to hurry along I always think of her Sister or her Mother that helps get over the hump quicker...
You could try the stop & start again method, takes patience & practice. I believe some guys are used to having sex on the run & never learn to control ejaculation, a lot of it is mind over matter. It's awful for the woman too, very frustrating.
Best comment I've ever read on these CNN threads! ED presumes that YOU want to do the deed. In most marriages, there is no ED, because there is simply no desire to do it. As I have often said, marriage is a sure cure for passion and romance.
If you watch animals mate, males finish it off in 5 seconds. Its a few minutes dancing around the female, jump, push, female bends and thats it. They go back to whatever they did before the onslaught of craziness. Its the same with humans. People that delay ejaculation later get prostate cancer. Problem is if you ejaculate fast and then lose interest. However most males, can get it done multiple times within half hour. The idea isn't about pleasure, but getting the female pregnant. Gee.
Once again women view as an object. BTW I am a man writing this.
I've been too fast but me and wifee never had a problem with it coz i hve lotsof reserves. It's only take less than a minute to recharge. I can even have my second erection while I'm still pumping inside her.
@Jesus
No sex in most marriages?? I've been married 21 years and we have more sex now than ever before in our marriage. My friends are the same way. When you have love, respect, a sense of humor, and a great partnership the sex and romance will follow. I've been late to work twice this week because we couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I feel sorry for your spouse.
Jesus sounds like he walks on water! It's been my experience that people who brag are almost always compensating for something. He might be still having sex with his wife but I'm guessing that's not what is making him late for work . . .
This post is useful for those people who want to make sexually strong.
Really everyone this is not an anxiety disorder, nor are there psychological factors, or biological origins involved here.....basically it boils down to this.....SOMETIMES the penetration just feels too damn good......which is why sometimes even with the same person it may be 3 seconds or 10 minutes to ejaculation.
If you want to prolong your sexual encounters I'll give you 2 surefire methods to last longer......
1. Have sex Just Before you have to Pee.....in trying to hold back from peeing inside your partner you'll last longer and not have PE
2. Have sex when you know you have to fart.....in trying to hold back the fart out of PURE EMBARASSMENT you'll also be holding back your PE
I can go for the quicky or I can have the long lasting marathon sex, it all depends on the situation.....
Actually..that's a good technique. Baseball, hockey..but then we're 'detached'. "Who do you think that pleased?" Ughhh, me!
Tantric Yoga may help!
@ Frank and Buster
You spilled the beans on a secret men have been using forever. I had a girlfriend that had posed for playboy, the online forum that is, and eventually I had to start thinking about other woman to finish. It must be in our DNA to want variety....it is the spice of life.
"Overcoming Premature Ejaculation" I don't understand the problem...
Like that one Harry!
Sex, when it's good, it's real good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good. 🙂
Just have fun for crying out loud!
Sorry to spill the baby batter but he's probably thinking of your sister...
LOL i don't have one. i know he's not thinking of his ex wife because she's a cow.
One woman's cow is another man's "PHAT!" Word.
That's ok, we aren't thinking of you guys either!
Your a fool if you think we are! LOL!!!!
When my eyes are closed during the act, it's because I'm doing the guy of MY choice in my head while you're up there/back there/under there flailing away. We mind-fook guys we care about and who we admire. Unless you volunteered with the dishes, helped the kids or did anything at all that wasn't selfish recently, we are NOT thinking of you. If the guy I care about has some PE, I don't care, I just ride him till he can't get it up anymore. With selfish guys, it's just another reason to reject them.
LOL! Agreed. And BOY,a re these so-called men SENSITIVE! It's A-OK when it's THEM thinking of other women, but to find out WE DO IT ALL THE TIME TOO really get's to their egos!
Hahahaaaa! Hey, women want variety too! Just saying!
Dang... I don't blame ya'll for feeling the way you do. If I were a woman and my man crashed the yogurt truck before he even got it out of the driveway, I'd be looking elsewhere too.
Can somebody translate Terrance's thoughts for me? I'm a newlywed and am really anxious.
I think what Terrence is trying to say is, some women just want to get it over with (not usually newlyweds), so PE is okay for them. My guess is, it stopped being exciting a long time ago for them. Sad but true . . .
I wish they would come up with a mornig after pill for men. That way, if you regretted getting in bed with the woman next to you, it would all be undone!.
Don't be a rookie. You are supposed to slide out the window like a ninja way before dawn. No wittnesses, no regrets.
Or it would fall off. Good for all concerned.
I sleep exclusively with ninjas, actually. Something about shurikens just does it for me...
Megan,
I don't think I have ever read a hotter comment than that. I'm a married man but...wow.
Whats the equivalent of this for women? and why cant more of them have it....
I think the equivalent in women is the description of being "very orgasmic." Due to the loss of erection after orgasm (though this wasn't always the case for me), male ejaculation is seen as an end to sex. Female orgasm though is not seen as an end to sex, thus it is not seen as a failure as PE is.
I remember Richard Pryor talking about this. He said in one of his routines how it isn't only men who come quickly, but some women do as well. His bit had the woman coming, to which he says "But I haven't even touched you yet!"
Don't be a rookie. You are supposed to slide out the window like a ninja way before dawn. No wittnesses, no regrets.
I've always found it annoying when my husband drags out the action too long. He probably thinks it's for me, but I think it's for his enjoyment. Meanwhile, I'm mentally making lists of what I need to get done, and hoping he'll get it over with already. I'll let you in on a secret, guys...some women want fast and furious.
Exactly this. Once I'm done, my mind's immediately off to "man, I'm tired", or "french fries sound good, I wonder if he'll finally finish before they close..."
If you are thinking of french fries odds are he's trying to hurry but can't get past the thought of you eating...
THEN LET HIM KNOW.. Problem solved.
Amen, sistah!!! LoL
@Hello: some men are able to handle the truth, some are not. Most women know what kind of man they have. Some men seem to feel like the longer they can go the more "manly" they are. Their ego's simply can't take the truth. Women are the same way about certain things. No woman wants to hear the truth when she asks her man if she's looking fat today. Sad, but it is what it is.
fast and furious has its place
hello... everyone and their mother keeps telling you guys us women want hours upon hours.... lol. they have been told since they were little takes hours of foreplay. not my problem. doesnt take long at all
So you're blaming your husband for your inability to be open and honest? Quit "protecting his ego" and tell him – he just MIGHT be relieved!
Yeah it wouldn't kill either party involved to simply say something. How can anyone expect to get what they want with a guy digging to china and a woman just kicking it....No wonder some can't figure it out. If we spent more time paying attention to each other rather then watching mtv and assuming your a shake and bake playa maybe you'd be pleasuring your women better. Just a thought.
Maybe we should stop cutting off part of most male's penises, and see if that helps at all.
Focus on how warm and wet the vagina is and breath nice and slow it really works and u will be suprised @ how long u can last
"In fact many older men with PE face the double whammy of erectile dysfunction."
...how can you have issues with PE if you can't even get it up in the first place?
It's a double problem because once he finaly gets it up he fires off immediately.
The only problem with PE in our society is that it's called a dysfunction, from a biological and evolutionary standpoint, it's not.
Yep. I hate to admit, he's 100% correct.
Val – you rock, it's an understood 2-way street!
By this mans definition, I guess gay guys cannont have PE.
Of all the comments I've read to this point, this one makes the most sense.
I have the opposite problem. I'm 25 and I last at least a good 15 minutes. Sometimes, I can't bust at all.
Ooh. 15 whole minutes? Where does the line to your bedroom start?!
Maybe you are attracted to men and haven't realized it yet...just saying
Well thank you Kitten....I just spit coffee out in my cubicle...
I hope he's kidding...actually no, I don't. That'd be even better.
really 15mins.... i wish i had PE... 15mins would be super fast for me i go 30+mins... the gf get bored and im stuck with the my hand and interent porn with he saying dirty things in my ear...lol me and my gf would love for me to have some PE...
Yep, same problem for me too, I want to finish and just can't most times. Once I had girlfriend complain about it, "can't you ever just do a quickie?!"
RadTech,
Try leaving your pocket protector in your cubicle before you go out. I know it sounds crazy, but it just might work. And good luck with the PE.
all women think of someone else. i think of other women and that does the trick.
Haha, be sure to tell your husband/bf that. Better yet, just bring another chick home one day...damn that would be nice.
ha ha ha, you had to know that your comment was just asking for multiple comments.
I thought I was the only one! I'm not gay but I only fantasize about women.
@ Kat. Don't worry you are still mutating. Pretty soon you'd asking for your rights.
So happy to see someone else feels the same way ~ guaranteed to get me where I want to be ~ all smiles
So does my wife and I love her for it. Sometimes I will suggest the woman she imagines. I can really get into getting her off that way. When its my turn and she describes to me what got her off. WOW! Even after 28 years this is truly great fun.
Masturbate earlier in the day before having sex. Maybe a lower amount of seminal fluid will reduce the amount of pressure and sensitivity felt in the penis thus allowing for a longer sexual episode.
You get the best of all worlds: thinking of someone else, don't have to be a ninja and the yogurt stays in the truck until it is time to be deliver!
that would be an interesting solution. one would think the doctors could have come up with that. i wonder if that would be effective.
guys?
spikette: The glaringly-obvious problem with that so-called "solution" is that there are no expensive prescriptions involved. It's why in mainstream media you only rarely (if ever) hear about solutions to medical issues that don't involve pharmaceuticals.
Yes that does help. Wearing a condom has always helped me a to.
Yes, doing that before intercourse should help greatly. Depending on how old you are and what your "recovery" time is (1 minute when I was a teen, more like half hour now...) lets on hour in advance – you should be golden. Though even earlier in the day or multiple times the night before...
Women are going to have to learn how to live with the fact that all men have PE.
This is why they should simply flirt with five or six guys and take them all home that night. See – everyone's happy;)
Try image your mother in law during sex will help you last longer! 🙂
Most men with PE get into ready state again faster after they finish than men without PE. I have it and I'm ready to go again within 3 to 5 minutes. The 2nd time I can normally last 30 to 60 minutes, which doesn't bother my GF at all. Have her help you out first, and then after you finish, work on helping her out and you should be ready to go again soon after and should be able to last a long time for her. Hope this helps.
The man with the plan! No pill required.
see, i knew where there was a will there was a way. no need for embarassing or feeling abd. always a solution. good for you.
There is NO such thing as premature ejaculation ladies. It's a myth. Evertime i have ever came, it was right on time!!!!!!!
You must be the master of the half minute.
yeah but I get mine. You want satisfaction?? eat a snickers....it satifies. lol
I feel sorry for you if your only satisfaction is in ejaculation. How sad!
Lol i have the exact opposite, i find it hard to come when i have sex. I can please the woman so much, but it never ends well for myself
2 vicodins and a 1/2 a viagra and you could star in a 3 girl on 1 guy personal porn... only thing you'll need to worry about is exhaustion and a heart attack.
Bahahah! you are all too funny! I don't agree that all women think of someone else when they're going at it with their significant other.. I know I don't. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years now and he's still the only one i think about.. maybe something is wrong with me? hahaha.
You've been with him for that long and you're still just his girlfriend?
Haha.. yeah.. I know.. Who waits that long before moving on to the next level?? I'm in college and only going to be 21 though.. so.. I'm not in a big rush right now. I knew a couple who was together for 11 years before the guy even proposed to her..hoping that's not my case.. but the way things are going.. who knows. :/ haha.
21...that's not too bad then 🙂 It's just stupid when guys wait too long. It's as if they're scared to commit in that kind of a way.
If you've been dating him since you were 16, you'll find out something is wrong in about 9 more years, when you are married with two kids, and you look at him and think "What was I thinking?" the problem is, you were thinking with the brain of a teenager when you chose him, not the brain of a woman.
My advice – spend a couple years apart – date other men, and then make the informed decision at age 25 if he's the right guy for you. Believe me, at this point you can't possibly make the right decision because you've never had any other choice!
Masturbate daily and do Kegel exercise. Is there a problem?
KEGEL exercise is the best longterm solution for PE alongwith deep/slow breathing. It's best if you start Kegel in late teen years...
Hey girls...Women was suck,some time i PE only 1 min she said too fast.....some time i dumping 4 shot whiskey before intercourse and that time took me 1 hour then she said taking too long ....WTF .I'm not understand which way got go by.My womwn always want more,,,WTF.I need couselor
You don't need a counselor Kevin, you need a English tutor. Lie down before you hurt yourself.
lol super. kevin... your gal should be giving you feed nack and helping you along. if intuned to her, you should be able to get it right on. my experience anyway, with hubby. we know each other well.
Focus on your breath, breath slowly, you'll knock 'em out.
Easy problem to address, just knock two or three out a day and you will be good to go.
hahahahaha! You guys and your egos. So funny. You really think a woman wants you puffing away on top of her for 3+ hours??? Silly men. Most women don't mind PE because usually the men feel so bad and embarrassed about it that they find other ways of making their women happy (knowing that actual intercourse isn't going to get the job done). And women really like those "other ways"! You know fellas, most women are a lot like men – they want to get theirs and roll over and go to sleep too. ;o)
This will sound like a joke, but my problem is exactly opposite– taking too LONG. Instantly erect and stay that way for a good hour and still not get there. But I never hear of this particular problem, and it's just as bad.
But it's a good problem to have brother......
He'll be VERY popular.
There was a few times when I was coked up with out the lady knowing it. Needless to say I could not finnish. Man Women get MAD when you dont come or take too long!!!! They take it personal. Either way, you cant win. Come too early, your a minute man, take too long your a jerk because you made her feel unattractive and insecure
Very few people are talking about the psychological aspect of PE.......after all, sex is 90% mental and only 10% physiological. A good control over your mind and a loving partner can do the trick. Among other things, a longer time spent on foreplay will also help.
My fiance doesn't last more than a minute. Doesn't matter what I do, doesn't matter what he does, and he won't go to the doctor or talk about it.
I don't know if this will work for your dude, but for me if I want to last longer and I feel the need to get off I just pull it out and switch up the position. Start out missionary, then go doggy style, then when she gets hers I go jackhammer style basically just drilling the hell out of it till I get mine.... I like to freak like I'm a wild animal though so your dude would have to be up for it!!!
Do you think marriage will change that, or are you ok with a life of one minute quickies? Or does he spend lots of time "eating at the Y"??
Try to move slower, much slower. And slow down your partner, just tell him not to rush, and take your time... My ex girlfeind helped me in the past, saying those things nicely. And it did increase duration of our act! If you move faster – you will finish faster, simple as that!
Tell him to go to the doctor about it or you will go to the neighbor about it.
Whatever you do, don't marry him. You'll be miserable and likely divorced later on down the line. I speak from experience.
You are So right with your comment. I totally agree with you. Aside from some occasional aspirin and vitamins, I try not to give Big Pharma any more of my $$$ than I need to 😉
oh wow, even the society thinks that premature ejaculation is a dis-function.. no people its perfectly normal, getting off early only points to the fact the man in Question was born to REPRODUCE, all his organs are functioning properly.. In the old days it wasn't about satisfying, it is about getting someone pregnant and as you can see in terms of a fast ejaculation, these persons are very successful. If Dogs and Cats ejaculate early this is a GOOD sign, same for a Man this is no different. So before you think this is a dis-function realize the men that take a long time are the one's that are not functioning properly [or not doing right to satisfy her]. If I wanted I could get off in less than 30 secs [If its really good], but I take it as a challenge and can spread that out to about 20-25 mins. Smack it a few times like you are mad to numb it up, that will help. No need for any witch doctor meds.
Getting on cymbalta helped me immensely with this. It also helped with anxiety, depression, and aggression. No joke.
So only straight men get PE? Why don't people learn how to be inclusive in this day and age?
You are all idiots........
Its all about controling youself, Ex, when my girlfreind and I make love and I am in the missionary possition, I look down and push her head to the side, then I lift my pillow and look at my tax deductions on my check stub!........That helps break the urge!
this is how you do it. Get the first PE out of the way, play around, and you know the second time around you will last a lot longer. tell your partner this is how you work. Buat the first one and then the second one will be the one, the third will be even longer
Who cares what he's thinking of? I don't care if he's thinking of my mother, my sister, or Margaret Thatcher. I'm thinking about things, too. So what?
believe me amy tell your guy to imagine ur mom while hes doin it to you & he will take u to heven for hours.
i do this to my gf & she knows it very well but since she enjoys she doesnt mind it.