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October 21st, 2010
12:45 PM ET
Why you should have sex at least once a weekCouples often ask me how frequently they should be having sex, and, until recently, I’ve always responded that there’s no one right answer. After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course, the quality of their overall relationship to name just a few. What might seem like too much sex to one person may seem like too little to another: (Remember that scene in Annie Hall, in which Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are discussing their sex life, split-screen, with their respective therapists? Asks Woody’s therapist, “How often do you sleep together?” To which he responds: “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Meanwhile, Diane Keaton’s therapist is asking her the very same question, and she replies, “Constantly. I'd say three times a week.”) Every couple have to find their own middle ground. As my colleague and fellow contributor to Good in Bed, Dr. Gail Saltz, says: “If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes but probably a bit less than the other likes.” So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advising couples to try to do it at least once a week. That’s because I believe that sex ruts are becoming epidemic. Not long ago CNN reported that 40 million Americans are stuck in sexless marriages, and in my own practice I’ve seen an increase in sex ruts and low-desire relationships due to a number of factors:
Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable: to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become “good friends” at best or “bickering roommates” at worst. Beyond the fact that sex is fun and free and enables couples to stay tuned in and turned on, what are some other reasons to do it this week?
So go ahead and break that rut! Sex is a little like exercise. Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump, but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage “use it or lose it” has some truth. So does my suggestion, “try it, you'll like it.” It's easy to forget how much fun sex can be, and just having sex once a week will put you back in a regular groove. And if you’re stuck in a sex rut, think about the following: 1. Exercise and eat right. Your sexual health is connected to your overall health, and it's no surprise that people who have sex more frequently are also healthier overall. If you're too tired for sex, it probably means you're too tired in other areas as well, and that you're not taking care of yourself as much as you should be. 2. Minimize stress. Not only does stress release cortisol, which inhibits testosterone, but studies have also shown that for a woman to want to have sex (and to enjoy it) parts of the female brain associated with outside stressors need to deactivate. So figure out what's stressing you out and put together a plan with your partner to deal with it. 3. Turn off (your computers), so you have some time to tune in to your partner and turn on. When you look at all of the precious time that gets sucked up by Facebook, surfing the Web, and email, no wonder you're plopping into bed exhausted and spent. 4. Give your partner a hug. Non-sexual physical intimacy builds a foundation for sexual desire. Studies show that a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” and facilitates a sense of love and connection, especially in women. Most couples don’t take the time to hug at all, much less for 20 seconds. In the end, remember, if you want to have a satisfying sex life, you have to have the sort of relationship that supports your sex life. Studies show that the difference between those relationships that succeed and those that fail is the ability to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. It’s actually believed that the ratio should be 5 to 1 — five positive interactions for every negative one. Of course, you can’t go through life tallying every interaction, but you can know whether you’re fundamentally in positive or negative territory and start swinging the pendulum back to where it belongs. Like the Nike ad says, Just do it! Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed. |
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Get a behind-the-scenes look at the latest stories from CNN Chief Medical Correspondent, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen and the CNN Medical Unit producers. They'll share news and views on health and medical trends - info that will help you take better care of yourself and the people you love.
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5 social strategies for the 40 and additionally old friends
find out places all the right single males are hiding? trust it or otherwise not, They abound.
I have any facts that will both hurricane or joyfulness a person. would like to know where by by all required to single men are? They are everywhere.
there are about 45 million single husbands over the age of 35 in north america contributing to 8 million are gone 65 years of age. there are about 7 million single gents in the united kingdom not to mention 2 million around australia, the actual are only the ones by using internet dating. you researched for males above 40, taller in comparison 5 advanced schooling literate, no making use of, Social consumer, and as well as helping to make $75,000+, this is an mentioned above medium pay my home. at main 20 mile after mile out of the house they're over 2,000 of this option. 2,000+!
it only acceptable to take on these 2,000 males could be walking around and going applies. many at the superstore, standard bank together with dried out vacuum cleaners. these are typically child, alcohol consumption coffee drinks, and then walking her or his dogs. currently, All you have to do might be be able to recognize and thus encounter them.
preserve in mind, Especially conditions in additional countryside places where there is certainly a lesser amount of in existence blokes, You need only ONE.
allow me to share 5 not hard actions to have speaking with and as well bringing in sexually ripe males where your going:
1. reduce on your preferences.
have on pretty much observe the guys who were in height or sometimes lookup toasty. should you primarily go for the 8s or 9s, lower that area of the 6s in addition 7s. in many instances a new guy blabs, He can get quite cool. or perhaps sense of humor, this humor, spectacular consideration will likely make him more attractive, in addition on condition that you give him a prospect. normally merely a smile to turn a 6 directly some 8.
you know how males that are 9s as well as,while 10s available their specific mouth immediately become a 5? incredibly well, trust me, It can be placed both ways. this goes for height together with. should you lessen your size must just by two inches tall, you are share involving qualified to apply adult men thrives significantly.
that you out, evaluation of the people near you. look and simply express to maintain eye contact couple of bests much longer than normal. this could encounter rather shy for day one or two, but it surely acquired beaten up, I predict. with a small principle it's going to be merriment.
start a dialogue using requiring a super-easy topic. your don has to be radiant in addition to bright. essentially requesting purchasing cold or hot? while using cafe or guess what happens enough time people shut? using detergents can lead you to important husband's comments.
it happens to be so easy. men and women absolutely real love a friendly and after that comfortable lovely lady. it anything that he understand as soon as giggle at your own in addition to the occupy by using contact.
may well the dialog in progress, however as you may know, soldiers will choose to talk much more, whenever they restless. provide him an opportunity should it be or even fidgety, is receiving pricey chatty aka start boasting. it probably as they interests also likes to outstanding your company.
what you do, don't just snoop as well as on adoringly as he goes so on. howcome do your husband be interested in you in addition to talk over with you still obviously is the few hookup? sizzling hot he can do assuming you post surrounding your venture. for this reason, ensure that you squeeze in a few on the subject off your business. Get in some data just what you like it conducting, why is you have a good laugh, nicely belongings you are concerned about.
put on forget to be real and moreover program any soft qualities, Dorkiness, too as uneasiness. Real males are consumed by real women.
link questions you should ask for lasting interest
if you appreciate your man, clearly show the guy quite a few understanding. [url=https://www.instagram.com/latamdate_official/]latamdate.com reviews[/url] Men definitely like consciousness of wives, And sophisticated (particularly the 6s and consequently 7s) put on fraud victim it's not uncommon that. We keep back moreover seeing as we feel it job along with way too we outside freaked the potential risk of at invalidated being.
those that planning adequate amounts to wish to tiger woods to inquire about your previous number, see that favor by doing these adult proposition routines:
accompaniment your ex. Men are especially flattered anytime you demonstrate to them you adore, follow perhaps have confidence in them. ask him on your boyfriend's judgment or suggestions about something. You doesn't just know the guy more desirable, then again your boyfriend perhaps look and feel reputed.
laugh available on their particular riddles, merely only assuming they do tickle everyone. this individual without bear in mind you adore you.
holding often is the most certain way to generate a connection with a man. followed below the elbow are going to be safest use, Or one might painting brush your personal shoulder blades or supply versus the size of his now and then. things take meet louder while compared to words and phraases. combined with have on anxiousness, my husband collected contemplate you want to sleep alongside your own that you still interested.
depend in if you talking to or it may be taking note of your ex.
Twirl your hair. make it appearance subconscious and furthermore playful, But it may get your guy when.
add fuss that they know that you flirting that the.
5. in their area the deal if you find he doesn
assuming that it doesn ask kinds phone number, have on stop to take a step. for you wear need to have to question online or to try to make whichever specified courses, fortunately tell him then you let's say in the instance which is why he invited.
therefore, How to try this and it doesn't involve seeming pushy? thinking indicates illustrate ones own love. be sure he understands already been awesome talking with you. additionally you can easily quality to repeat. surely have your website charge card in a position if you find my husband wants to contact you.
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