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October 21st, 2010
12:45 PM ET
Why you should have sex at least once a weekCouples often ask me how frequently they should be having sex, and, until recently, I’ve always responded that there’s no one right answer. After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course, the quality of their overall relationship to name just a few. What might seem like too much sex to one person may seem like too little to another: (Remember that scene in Annie Hall, in which Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are discussing their sex life, split-screen, with their respective therapists? Asks Woody’s therapist, “How often do you sleep together?” To which he responds: “Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.” Meanwhile, Diane Keaton’s therapist is asking her the very same question, and she replies, “Constantly. I'd say three times a week.”) Every couple have to find their own middle ground. As my colleague and fellow contributor to Good in Bed, Dr. Gail Saltz, says: “If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes but probably a bit less than the other likes.” So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advising couples to try to do it at least once a week. That’s because I believe that sex ruts are becoming epidemic. Not long ago CNN reported that 40 million Americans are stuck in sexless marriages, and in my own practice I’ve seen an increase in sex ruts and low-desire relationships due to a number of factors:
Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable: to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become “good friends” at best or “bickering roommates” at worst. Beyond the fact that sex is fun and free and enables couples to stay tuned in and turned on, what are some other reasons to do it this week?
So go ahead and break that rut! Sex is a little like exercise. Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump, but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage “use it or lose it” has some truth. So does my suggestion, “try it, you'll like it.” It's easy to forget how much fun sex can be, and just having sex once a week will put you back in a regular groove. And if you’re stuck in a sex rut, think about the following: 1. Exercise and eat right. Your sexual health is connected to your overall health, and it's no surprise that people who have sex more frequently are also healthier overall. If you're too tired for sex, it probably means you're too tired in other areas as well, and that you're not taking care of yourself as much as you should be. 2. Minimize stress. Not only does stress release cortisol, which inhibits testosterone, but studies have also shown that for a woman to want to have sex (and to enjoy it) parts of the female brain associated with outside stressors need to deactivate. So figure out what's stressing you out and put together a plan with your partner to deal with it. 3. Turn off (your computers), so you have some time to tune in to your partner and turn on. When you look at all of the precious time that gets sucked up by Facebook, surfing the Web, and email, no wonder you're plopping into bed exhausted and spent. 4. Give your partner a hug. Non-sexual physical intimacy builds a foundation for sexual desire. Studies show that a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels. Oxytocin is also known as the “cuddle hormone” and facilitates a sense of love and connection, especially in women. Most couples don’t take the time to hug at all, much less for 20 seconds. In the end, remember, if you want to have a satisfying sex life, you have to have the sort of relationship that supports your sex life. Studies show that the difference between those relationships that succeed and those that fail is the ability to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. It’s actually believed that the ratio should be 5 to 1 — five positive interactions for every negative one. Of course, you can’t go through life tallying every interaction, but you can know whether you’re fundamentally in positive or negative territory and start swinging the pendulum back to where it belongs. Like the Nike ad says, Just do it! Ian Kerner is a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author. Read more from him at his website, GoodInBed. |
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This analysis is closer to what should happen when you're in utopia. Try to live with Joblessness, medical insurance bills($1300/month), health insurance costs. nasty neighbors.. and see what happens to your libido.
Jeniffer – you say that you need to make a "true effort to want to [have sex]" with your partner. Respectfully, this is confusing to me so maybe you can explain – why would you want to be in a relationship with someone that you had to make an effort to desire?
Don't forget that sex is free. It is the best free entertainment available. And it should make life seem less gloomy, unless you're doing it wrong.
your spouse (if you have one) must be miserable, just like you. Lighten up, you're alive
It is a part of who we are as humans to have a deep complex love relationship, at the core we crave it. I'm a guy and I undersatnd that. (Yes I'm a guy)
Every morning a 5:45 I'm reminded of that. 🙂
I agree pal. When you're down, you're down and those who think otherwise have never really been down and should be thankful for that. Let's not judge how badly people have been beaten by life according to what WE might think is stress. Real stress will deck you, for sure. Some people haven't had that yet. Hope you don't.
1300 a month medical? What the heck kind of health plan are you on? I've heard all kinds of people say that they pay over a grand in med insurance and such a month... either you people have serious problems, or you have a terrible carrier.
wow, talk about being negative... sounds like you are in desperate need for some sex! my man & i always find the time to have sex, no matter how tired or busy we are. in fact, if we don't have sex for a day or two we think it's unusual. mix up your routine.. try incorporating it into your day instead of just waiting until you're exhausted & crawling into bed at night.
mroadster – regarding your question to jennifer: my take on what jennifer said is that in the beginning of a relationship, couples barely get out of bed (or off the floor...heh!). once you've been with someone for a while, that wild chemical reaction that keeps you lusting after your partner 24/7 tends simmer way down and the rest of world manages to work its way back into your brain. at that point, yes, you quite often *do* have to put your mind in the right place to feel lusty for your partner. there's nothing wrong with that. it's just what happens. it's not new sex anymore, so you often have to get the ball rolling youself since the wild hormones aren't doing it anymore.
These are excuses.. stop making excuses.
bein so sour cause not gettin any.
@BC – "Don't forget that sex is free."
Tell that to Elliot Spitzer
Having our only child was directly between my wife going from borderline nymphomaniac (which was nice) to now having sex maybe once every 3 months. Her libido died with the birth of our son, and I am stuck between talking about it with her and making her feel badly and keeping my mouth shut trying to cope with the awful unsatisfying emotion of sexlessness. It sucks. I love her to death, and always will, but I still lust after her and still want to feel needed.
mrroadster: I believe Jennifer is saying that she needs to make the effort to make the time because stress can cause you to forget. I don't think she's implying that it's like a chore, but rather something she needs to remind herself about during these hectic times. That's just my opinion as a fellow female interpreter 🙂
geez, mike!
Hey Jim,
You are so right! Your comment is over the top. Thank you for sharing.
Going to print this article and show it to my Lady. I have been telling her this for years. Oh Yeah!!!!
Jim, now try to imagine your pathetic little life WITHOUT SEX!! I think the point of the article is that sex is almost always a good thing.....obviously you missed the point!
Once a week? My wife and I shoot for once a day. Can't imagine the once a week thing.
Wow, that's tough. Why not go GET a job. That's the real problem today. Too many people who think they are entitled to someone GIVING them a job doing something they WANT to do. When sometimes the reality is that you may need to go get that job you may not want for now. Too bad if you don't like it. Suck it up and get back to work like the rest of us. So what if it aint fair. Life aint fair. Get used to it!
@jim – you poor thing. you sound like my ex-husband. negative guys just don't make it in the world, change or get left out...
really-try pepping yourself up a little. we're ALL in a recession. try to live of the positive of the force.
dig deep baby.
Wouldn't want to miss an opportunity to turn everything into a political agenda, would we Jim?
So.. if I have sex 3 times a week, do I have to check in with my spouse?
Holy crap, people! The guy is obviously depressed. Do you really think you're helping? If your sex lives are so great, what are you doing posting comments on CNN in the first place?
Seraphim, I know many people who, due to age and/or pre-existing condition, pay $1200-$2500 a month for health insurance, and consider themselves fortunate to be able to get it at any price.
@Gyaaj ... we ain't gonna join you in line.
"I can't imagine how people can be married and have coitus with the same person for 10+ years."
Mike, you're really a loser, do you know that? I've been with the same woman for 30 years and I'm more attracted to my hot wife now than I ever was. There's something wrong with you. Do all women a favor and join the priesthood.
you're bummin Jim. maybe if you had a better plan to get your life in the right direction, that your attitude would improve also. negativity begets negativity.
I walk the fence on the poverty line in terms of income, my job is very stressful as it is AND they could lay me off at any second, the apartment I live in is noisy and full of inconsiderate @$$holes who stomp around and throw parties at all hours of the night, I have depression and low self esteem (but am medicated), I have a mountain of debt that I can only blame myself for, and the few true friends I have live far out of town/state. Despite all that I have the sex drive like the sun's nuclear reactions: it just doesn't stop. It's tough for me to find a woman with a drive remotely compatible with mine and my integrity and sense of honor prevent me from "hooking up" with random people or stalking trendy watering holes for inebriated bar skanks. But... in those rare moments where I'm dating someone, I find sex is a wonderful "cure" for a lot of things: stress, the physical activity curbs my appetite, it rids me of headaches (endorphines will do that), it's just damn fun, it's wonderfully intimate, and I always feel better afterward. I feel for you, buddy, if your drive treats you differently.
The best way to keep having sex? Remain single.
Nasty neighbors? Seriously?
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
I've never seen so many responses to one post! You folks all must watch Dr. Phil every day. Give this guy a break. If your sex lives were so fulfilling you wouldn't be here blogging away, or you wouldn't care to be. You would be playing scrabble with your partner, or engaging in your favorite hobby, besides blogging of course. Methinks thou protesteth too much.
Sex is free? Must be nice.
Jim, I feel what you're saying. Its alot easier said than done when you got so many obstacles in front of you. just becomes to depressing to even think about sex. No matter how positive you try to be or think.
Jim, you are a major whiny annoying baby. Who cares if you have nasty neighbors! Ok, so who doesn't have money problems...this is sex we are talking about!! What is wrong with you? Maybe you need to try to relax and remember the first few dates you went on when you first met your wife and what made you excited to get to know her, rekindle those feelings again and you will learn why everyone enjoys sex so much.
This is for Joesph N. too the lonely guy with the PHD wife that never gives it up. Try being a little more original. Some girls don't need to be bought, just be creative.
Your reply would fit in the "highly stressed out" category. Figure out a way to deal with it. Send your resume everywhere. Save money for your bills. Talk with your doctors about billing you on a sliding scale. Wear earplugs to shut out your nasty neighbors. Just find a way to de-stress.
LOL, I feel ya brotha. Keep on keepin' on and you'll be back in the saddle b4 ya know it.
Jim's post was not negative at all. It was a very mature and realistic observation which many of us should take seriously. If you want to read nothing but fluff, go back to Disney.com and post on Tinkerbell!
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, just want to be honest. My wife and I have been married almost 3 years now and since we met, we have been having sex every night, with the exception of about 30 or 40 nights in three years. I am 44 and she is 30 and we are both smokers and drinkers, but in overall good health. I firmly believe that it has everything to do with a very passionate love for each other, maintaining a healthy and playfull attitude toward lovemaking and the ability to not take each other and life for granted. Life is too short to allow daily stress and inevitable pitfalls to compromise what is truly the most important aspect of life – love, laughter, passion and play.
Joseph N
Masturbate already dude.
Ooh angry sex
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, people. I have read everyone's posts after Jim's one and I didn't see much about both spouses who are in their early 30s who work long hours and have very young children to look after. That's reality. I don't think it's fair for those who are single and childless to brag about their robust sex lives while we have to deal with trying to find the time and energy to be intimate – after we put our kids to bed – on a daily basis. My wife is still breastfeeding our youngest and it does wipe out her sex drive and it's frustrating as hell – so think about that. On the positive side, my wife and I make plans to have weekend retreats once or twice a year which are unbelievably hot that we make porn stars look like Quakers – so there.
Jim,
I've been poorer than you can imagine and still come home and threw my wife around the bedroom. Sex is Utopia, by the way.
Masterbating is not cheating. Take off the pants and beat away!
I second that.
This is really a general comment but glad Jim stated again what has to be the worse excuse for not having intimacy. I believe in a healthy relationship couples look forward to every chance they have to make out/make love. Marriage,children,job is no excuse to stop. Like the article stated its a fantastic stress reliever, yet all I hear from my wife of 17 years is "I'm too stressed", "too much on my plate" well it goes both ways,yet I continue to ask and get turned down. If I left it up to her she would be satisfied with every 2-4 months which by her control or lack of desire is how often we share intimacy at present.Intimacy to me can just mean kissing/cuddling.In fact I'll show her the article later and she'll either not read it or use it as an excuse to be "mad at me" and reset her internal sex clock back to zero and the n it will be 4 months once again...
@jennifer,et.al I certainly appreciate the gentile way you have approached Jim's post. Yet, as you yourself point out are making enormous assumptions regarding Jim. While you and the above article may serve as a reminder to what Jim probably already knows people are unique. We can not begin to know what Jim is going through or what resources he has available. The most any one can glean from these posts is a sense of solidarity. Positive thinking is an asset not readily "accessible" to many people. Clinical depression is in part the inability call upon positive thinking. I am using this as an example; I am not saying Jim is clinically depressed. I hope gets some relief from being able to vent through his post. Unfortunately, not all will be as kind as you. I feel baldy that he will also be exposed to overly judgmentally posts or trolls. Good luck Jim and nice post Jen.
THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE WHO THINK YOU CANT GET PREGNANT IF YOU DONT USE A CONDOM DURING A WOMANS MENSES (PERIOD) YOURE WRONG-YOU CAN GET PREGNANT. ALSO, CONDOMS PROTECT ( BUT NOT PREVENT) AGAINST STD'S BUT NOT 100% AGAINST PREGNANCY,FOR VARIOUS REASONS WOMEN DO GET PREGNANT WHEN THEIR PARTNER IS USING A CONDOM. sorry for caps,didn't want to retype.
AHHHHHH SHADDUP – crybaby!
Jesus, most of these responses to this guy are really lame. Who cares if he disagrees?
The health plan the commenter said must suck is either one of the new ones from gov. or COBRA. Yep, we pay 1500 a month too and its nearly all my wife's unemployment. Really, we are alive, but things were not frequent anyway, you add that stress, worry about jobs, its lucky 2 times a year man. I hear ya jim, its not over the top, most people still have not gotten the fulll brunt of the down turn. And to the guy who had a nympho before his son–you are preaching to the choir–after my 2 Ds were born I was near the dog in family status....ugg..
My husband and I have a VERY active sex life, we just really enjoy having sex with eachother. I do have one rule that I follow (besides the at least once a week rule, which isn't normally a problem) but when we got married I knew there would be times when he would want to have sex and I wouldn't but I told myself that I would not deny him sex unless there was a reason we just couldn't (like that time of the month or illness) even the days when I'm just exhuasted once he starts I can't stop myself from becoming engaged and really enjoying it too. Guess it helps to have a husband who is really good in bed. 🙂
as long as your 'rule' applies to him as well putting out when he isn't in the mood, I have no problem with it. But the idea that women must put out even when they don't feel like it can lead to resentment.
Awesome you two!! Thats great to read. I like hearing about other people's good relatioships. It gives me hope of someday getting that way. Thanks for insght..
So your husband starts having sex with you when you don't want to? That's rape.
Three questions:
1. How long have you been married?
2. How many kids do you have?
3. How old are they?
Just wondering.
I agree. I have a pretty low libido, but I almost never say "no" because I find that once I start, I almost always end up enjoying myself. Maybe the sex isn't always mind-blowing, but it's never bad and it, on occasion, does turn into something really, really awesome. And then I get to cuddle afterwards and feel really close to my boyfriend. I love how good sex is for my relationship!
B – Totally agree with you. We have the same kind of "arrangement"...married 16 years, 5 kids, chaotic sometimes, but overall fantastic =)
1. it's not rape, it's not like you have no desire to have sex it's that your too tired, so if my hubby starts kissing and touching me, I don't turn him down right away and then after a few mins I don't want to turn him down.
2. We do not have children yet and we've been married 3 years together for 5 years.
3.Honestly I really only remember him turning me down for sex twice in the past 5 years, usually when I'm ready for early morning sex and he's only been asleep for 2 or 3 hours (ah, life with a night owl). I read somewhere that woman usually want sex more in the morning and men want sex more at night, something to do with hormone levels through the day.
I also fully agree with Breanne and Kristin. And Valerie, I have been married 15 years and I have a preschooler and a full time job. Yes, there are times when I feel too tired for anything, but when he gets it started I go along and that one less hour of sleep feels so worth it by the end of it!
It's not rape to have sex with someone who doesn't want to – when they consent to do it. Consent, not desire, determines rape.
Why don't you have sex at that time of the month? All that means is NO CONDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Totally agree with you Breanne- our story is pretty much the same with one difference being that I am the aggressor probably 30-40% of the time. To answer the poster below asking about your family – DH and I are married 17 years, both work full time and have 4 kids (12, 9 and 6 y old twins). DH is just good at it, meaning, from my perspective, that takes the time and knows how to push my buttons. Once in a while I will be exhausted and not really in the mood but can tell he is and will suggest a "quickie"– almost always, within a minute I am right there with him, heading to my own happy ending.
-Annie
The reason no sex during that time of the month is it can be very messy sometimes and for me it can be painful. It doesn't mean we won't but usually the 1st few days he know we won't and I usually will give him something special...plus we never use condoms, it's one of the nice thing about being in a commited trusting relationship.
Annie- Don't hear the term DH very often, maybe we have more in common then we think.
Condoms protect against pregnancy not STDs. Why would I be advocating sticking my penis in a bloody vagina if I thought there was a chance of STDs. Trust is everything.
Well there are other ways to prevent pregnancy then condoms, and who said we were trying to prevent anything.
Keith R. – Thanks for good response that hits this riddle right on the head. Its not rape because there is consent to have sex but the person consenting does not want to have sex. One of the premises in the article and in some posts is that a person who does NOT want to have sex should consent. That bothers me on so many levels especially the notion that ther person doesn't know themselves well enough to know if they do or don't want sex. Can such a person give consent? Does that bother you?
Breanne – My apologies. I misunderstood. When you said "you don't want to" in your post I thought that's what you meant. It seems you mean you are not sure if you want to have sex with your husband.
@ Blarf– You do realize that you can still get pregnant if you have unprotected sex when a woman is on her period, right? If you dont believe me, google it. Also, you are just as likely to get STDs when a woman is on her period. Your risk of transmitting HIV is also higher.
I know it might sound crazy.... but having unprotected sex is a fabulous way to get STDs.
@mrroadster: I know I want to have sex with my boyfriend. I love him and think he's hot, but I sometimes have to push through fatigue or a bad mood or a headache or even (yes – it happens) boredom to get myself in the right mood for intimacy. That's what we're talking about here. It's not rape. I want it every time I do it. Sometimes I just wish I wanted it more!
@Kristin – thanks for the thoughtful reply. Sorry, I'm still confused so maybe you can help. You say "I want to have sex with my boyfriend" but then say you have to "get myself in the right mood for [sex]". This seems contradictory to me.
Are you saying that you need to have both the "want" and the "mood" to have sex? Isn't the "mood" the "wanting"? Its like saying, "I really want to have sex with you but I'm not in the mood to ahev sex with you". Not being dense, just trying to understand...
My wife and i were very sexually active when we first met...even through the wedding. But once we had our first child things started going downhill. She denies me all the time for sex, saying she "wants to" but is just too tired, or her leg hurts, or her right contact is making her eye water....We have spurts of a week or two where it happens three or four times and she always promises we will keep it up, but then it stops for a while. She always gives me the guilt trip of, "I'm a bad wife...I know..." It gets frustrating. But I love her and when we do have sex, it's always amazing! So to all those out there that complain about not getting enough and getting tired of a partner etc....do you love the person you're with? I know sex is incredibly important in a marriage, but so is love.
I have often said I wish I knew what it felt like to be a man and have that kind of testosterone driven sex drive. Though I seduced him the first time we were together, after we were in a relationship things just kind of changed. It's usually my husband who does the pursuing. Usually I am lazy and take my bountiful sex life for granted – yes, at times I use my husband for sex. Not that I don't give as good as I get once we get started. But I have to remind myself to think of some exciting things to try, make the first move at times to let my husband know he is wanted, desired. I think my husband's sex drive is much more immediate and visceral, as well as in his head. As a female, mine is more in my head, slow and more visceral after I get going with my husband. Also, frequent sex is good for a man's prostate health. You don't want the plumbing to get rusty...
I always heard that if you aren't in the mood, do it anyway because it will GET you in the mood. If it wasn't for this attitude, DH and I would never have sex. He works second shift and gets home at 2 am, with 4 children (the oldest being 7 i've long been in bed and have to get up at 5 to start getting ready for the day and to screw my head on straight before I have to get the kids ready for school.
We take advantage of any time we can find or make, naps, showers, 2 am (at which point I am initially NOT thrilled but only takes me a min or two to get pretty crazed myself), anytime I have a headache and he's home while I may not feel like it, I know it's a GREAT cure. Now I only have to mention I have a headache and he's ready!
It takes all situations to make a relationship work and when your super tired, working opposite shifts, have 4 kids (2 that still wake in the nite), and are barely scraping by... it takes a little give and take on both sides. There are times DH is tired, cranky or not feeling right, be he doesn't deny me either unless we really are super not into it.
However I have gotten a higher libido since my youngest turned 1 and he's had a vasectomy so I don't have to worry about getting pregnant again. Even if money and other stressors are more prevalent, I can relax and enjoy it more knowing I don't have to worry about getting pregnant.
Breanne–good on you for sometimes not saying no; my ex's use of sex as a weapon became the kiss of death for our marriage. Never again. If I ever marry again, after much therapy, I've learned she will have to be someone with whom I share a great deal of intimacy through (1) our conversations, and (2) through very intense sexual and non-sexual intimacy. When there is no intimacy, I literally feel like I'm starving. Luckily, I have dated some wonderful women who also share the same needs as I, and I haved learned relationships can be wonderful and don't have to be emotionally abusive. Also, your man is very lucky. Publicly complimenting him about his habits in bed will go further than you can imagine. I have a friend (female) who noted that the best things a woman can do to take care of her man is to 1) fuck him, 2) feed him, and 3) tell him he's doing a good job. While men aren't THAT simple, most of us do well being physically (as well as emotionally) loved, occasionally fed a great meal, and being told that we are valued. Your husband is fortunate to have you!!!
Hey mroadster how about you worry about yourself. Sometimes when some of us don't feel like something –but then go thru with it– it turns out to be worth it. For example, sometimes I don't feel like exercising(lazy unmotivated tired) but I "force" myself to overcome this and when I finish that damn 10 mile run I am glad I did and magically somehow all that lazy, unmotivated, tired excuse making is gone. And you know what?? No anti depressants for me.... If Breanne had a problem with her situation she seems smart enough to take care of it herself, have some respect, she is sharing what she and her partner consider success, piss on somebody else.
Hmm – that sounds nice
My hubby and I have the same sex life. I never deny him, and he never denies me, with the exception of that time of the month, but then again he never complains about that because he still gets something if he wants it. We have been married for 5 years, together for 8 and have 3 kids. He works full time, while I am an at home daycare provider. I have found that it does relieve alot of the everyday pressures of having a family and household to run.
I blame the government and the sale of ill-researched derivatives for my poor sex life.
John - hilarious! Life is short, have an affair.
If my wife had an affair I'd be crushed. I really need to schedule that "date night" with her once a week or I'll be through.
I always get a good laugh when a poster who does not know the difference between "you're" and "your" calls someone else a moron!
HAha – Nice
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1. HERPES
2. PENIS ENLARGEMENT
3. GONORRHEA
4. PREGNANCY PROBLEM
5. LOW SPERM COUNT
6. MENOPAUSE DISEASE
7. EPILEPSY
8. SEPSIS
9. CANCER
10. ANXIETY DEPRESSION
11. SHORT SHORTSIGHTEDNESS PROBLEM
12. YOU NEED YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND BACK
Jim – sounds like you're just plain unappealing and bring problems unto yourself. Do your wife a favor and let a real man please her with good sex and nice things.
>>Jim – sounds like you're just plain unappealing and bring problems unto yourself.
Uhh.. buddy . Maybe you have not had to take care of an ailing spouse yet. Its easy to make judgements when the world is just peachy, everything's great . Yup i've been there. Sex five times in 3 hours was great, no big deal.. But what i resent is people (so called experts) like Dr Phil & this guy Ian trying to define what normal sex is..and saying 'this pattern should be normal because this is what I experience'. Yea Dr Phil/Ian, tell me that after you've lived in a hospital cleaning your spouse, and trying to do a full time job so you can keep your medical insurance so your spouse doesn't die.
Yup 'normal' .. maybe in your protected /charmed life.
@Jim – all the best to you! In sickness and in health.........and you meant it...............you Rock!
I agree with Jim there. My husband has congenital heart disease. We haven't had sex in 6 years. But we are still the best of friends, hang out, love each other. It's just that part of our life isn't that important. I thank God every day he just wakes up! Sex isn't that important if you have a good companion. And if you want to know ages... we are under 50.
This is for Jim. No wonder you are so blue. Surely it is overwhelming to be the caretaker of your spouse, still work to survive, live life and try to remain sane in the process. Your spouse is still here yet physically unavailable due to illness, and you sound like you're more concerned with caring for her than for yourself right now. You must be so emotionally drained, that's what being a caretaker can do. It sounds as though your heart is in the right place, but it seems exhausted and bruised. Don't take seriously the judgement of others who don't know your situation. And make sure you take care of yourself. Caretaker burnout is a reality.
Intersesting – will have to think of this.
Really....you read the article and then complain about it? I can understand why your partner wouldn't want to have sex with you....
sex is good
HA – nice
I think once a week is not enough...i would suggest at least 3 times a week...regardless of how many times you do it make sure you make each time memorable...do unique things during sex...like involve food, fruits, wine or candle wax. Make sure you aim for spontaneous sex not preplanned. Use different locations...don't just use the bedroom all the time this becomes boring...try the dinning table or the stairways or the bathroom or the deck in the night (but be very careful with this). You can try public places like family restrooms or the last row of seats in a movie or get lost in the basement when you are invited to a party...make it interesting...the more likely you feel like you will get caught the more fun it is...the sensation that someone might see you do the most intimate physical interaction is a euphoric feeling in of itself. Be real loud when the house is all to yourself...call each other nasty names...this thought of being called nasty names or that your partner thinks all these nasty stuff about you is a boosting element in your sex drive and the fact that you can call your partner all the nasty names imaginable makes you want to be involved more in sex with them because it feels so taboo calling all those names let alone shouting it at your partner. Do role plays...and by all means do every kind you can imagine...do not hold back your inhibitions..pour it out and let the show begin...you have no idea how much of a turn on it is to know that your partner likes certain roles.
Yeah, still when one partner just wants it easy meaning just get naked lay there and wait out the 20 min or less. there is no point in trying it. It still takes two
Please tell me you're a woman...
Very true, Gabu.
@Gabu..let me guess; you're in your late teens, early twenties and think you're sooo experienced?
I do role-play. It's called "pretend I am someone who doesn't have baby puke down the front of the shirt you are taking off."
@ Gabu frm VA ..... well i agree wit u ....sex is apart of the relationship...i love sex its a part of me...if i dnt have sex at least 4 times a week...l get mad and i would want it even if i cant get it when i want to... i love when my partner comes home from work and just say bby i want sum lovin .... we have all types of things we do and i love for a female to join in wit us....i love sex and my partner loves sex also....thats why i think our relationship is great and we are deep in love ....so for all u people out there that dnt like havin sex all the damn time...you should try it u would love it...goodbye
The idea of the public place is arousing and fun. Having someone actually catch you, in a place where you should have your clothes on, not so sexy.
Outside the bedroom is great, until you have kids. You start in on that kitchen table, and you will have a kid asking "can I get a glass of water?"
Real life sets in, and eventually, we all slow down. It's easy when you are both young and healthy and have all the time in the world. Then you get kids and work, and you have that window between when the kid is really asleep, and when you need to get to sleep yourself. Add in some health problems that change the basic chemistry of your sex drive, including the mental aspect, and all that youthful optomism looks naive. Although, getting with someone ten years younger than yourself does wonders for the enthusiasm levels.
I agree with most of what you said. However, I think that adults, even when engaging in sexual activity should be responsible. Doing it in public or in a place where it is illegal should be out of the question. Period. Regardless of how fun/sexy it might seem. Getting arrested, caught on surveillance or some other unintended consequence can kill the mood really quick and leave you with a criminal record. Also doing it on/at someone else's property/event especially if its "not that type of event" you were not invited over for that purpose is also immature and out of bounds, regardless of how fun/sexy it might seem.
me too, sharon. i'm too busy to shower during the day, so often times we start our sex in the shower after our 2-year-old is in bed.
lets all go back to the hippie era, by the way i am selling my wife, she is malfunctioning she has sex with me every month, the price is negotiable.
rbnlegend makes sense of all. I think most of us know how to use our imagination to have spontaneous/wild sex outside the bedroom, but without making excuses here, it's really not easy to do it in public without getting caught with our pants down (unless you live in a heavily populated city like NYC) and god knows if anyone would take pictures of us and plaster them all over the Internet.
If we ever meet remind me not to eat dinner at your house
I agree – change it up, do it often
@Sharon
That's totally hot.
I'm not being sarcastic, I love a woman with a sense of humor.
You sound like a real pig. I feel sorry for your wife...
"Sexual Experts" spout so many conflicting ideas that they end up saying nothign at all and cannot be taken seriously.
On one hand, the "experts" state that no one should have sex if they don't want too which is clearly and obviously correct.
Then, when mis-mtached libidos are discussed, this article says, "Dr. Gail Saltz, says: “If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes but probably a bit less than the other likes."
So Dr. Saltz is advocating for the person with the lower libido to have sex even if they don't want to. Such nonsense.
It's called compromise...kinda hard to have a marriage without it.
Longbow – its not called compromise. Having sex with a woman when she says she doesn't want to is called rape. Perhaps I'm not understanding though – do you think that being married simply includes having a spouse that must convince himself/herself to have sex? How is that a "compromise"? Like, does one spouse say, "OK honey, I did without sex last week so now its your turn to convince yourself to have sex with me"?
Mroadster: Once you're married, and years and kids go by, and you find your libidos diverging, you have two choices: either split up or both make an effort to change for the other's benefit. When our kids were young, my wife and I had the same problem. She was exhausted all the time, and while I tried to free her from the kids as much as possible, that was like separating a mama bear from her cubs. So I would get frustrated, and we would argue about it. At one point she asked "If that's all you want why did you marry me?" And I said, "That's not all I want. That's all I'm missing."
If you love your partner you try. Maybe it will come back. If not, at least you tried.
It's not rape, for crying out loud. If my wife takes me with her when she goes shopping, and I don't want to go, I don't call it kidnapping.
If you are truly repulsed by the idea of having sex with your spouse, you need medical help. Or a divorce lawyer.
Having sex with someone, man or woman, who doesn't want to is called "rape", I agree. But. A marriage where one partner wants to have sex and the other refuses, all the time, for an extended time, is called "doomed". You can compromise, or the marriage becomes unstable, and then real life stress happens and it collapses. There are a lot of ways to compromise, and if the marriage is salvagable, and worth saving, compromise can be found, but it requires two people who can actually talk about the subject without blame or shame. When one partner reacts to a desire for physical affection with accusations of rape, the marriage dies. Right there, dead. Draw up a separation agreement, call a lawyer, and get it done with before you reach the point where you need two lawyers and a judge.
Remember, you can do it in the bedroom, or you can do it in the courtroom. Either way, someone is going to get effed.
I think If you have children on weekends when they are at friends or grandma house you could take advantage of the countertop, couch, washer, dryer etc. As well as role play. Just BE SURE TO WIPE ALL SURFICES WITH LYSOL. To keep the affection alive. And any germs away lol
I'm playing devil's advocate here. Let's say if you have a wife that has no desire at all while the husband has at all. What can you do? Like the others are saying, it all boils down to compromising. Human beings are sexual beings – just like all the creatures in the animal kingdom – except we are civilized and have anti-rape laws to comply, of course. But what can you really do? Masturbation isn't the same as intercourse – and it's all about the art of seduction here.
There will always be compromise – cant be helped!
mroadster...a woman who consents to having sex but doesn't want to is not being raped. She is making a choice. Perhaps she is accommodating her lover out of love such as when he changes her oil or fills her gas tank up. If sex is so agonizing for some women perhaps they should opt to stay single or not bitch when he takes his business elsewhere. Otherwise, put on your big girl panties (or, erm, take them off) as your obligation to your marriage.
Another thing to consider is the idea that maybe a couple just is not sexually compatable. That's why I think that aspect of a relationship is important to explore before marriage. If daily sex is important to you and your partner can barely bring it to him/herseelf to deliver once a month, this is obviously going to be a problem and might indicate this might not be your best choice for a future spouse and we can prevent these silly discussions about how wanting sex in your marriage is rape.
It helps to not have a script like my wife: Sunday, 9:00AM, first do this, then do that, done, now breakfast.
Oh, that is so me! It sounds terrible when you put it in writing, lol!
Nice – Outlook calendars too!?
As one of the many single women out there, I can't imagine the thought of 40 million Americans married and not having sex. The only reason I could see this would be if one of the pair was constantly away on business or deployed in the military. Isn't one of the main reasons people get married is so that they can enjoy their partner without the stress of constant insecurity?
Agreed- if I had a boy I'd be doing him a lot more then once a week. It's what they say, you always want what you don't have, and don't want what you do...
Annie – sweetie – spoken by someone who has never been married.............it's never that easy, but it's never that hard either.........so many factors and junk can get in the way and block the way – only if you let it.......got to shake off the funk every now and then and rediscover your mate............it's a journey I quite recommend
You say that now but wait till you get married or even relationship. Once the mystery is out of the way girls get into routine...it is no longer the passionate love making...its just when she feels like it. If any girl is not that way then lucky man they have.
Its very easy to stop – u have to do nothing
I hope you're really spud webb
What I don't understand is why anyone WOULDN'T want to have sex if they love their partner and are attracted to them. And why is it that as time goes on...almost always the man remains turned on but the women do not??
Because the ladies take care of themselves and the guys get fat. Obviously a generalization, but often true.
Josh – HUH??? Always seemed to me to be the opposite. The women let themselves go and blow up like a blimp while the guys stay about the same, at least until they're middle aged....
Josh it works both ways..not just the way you said it..
Only works that way in the sitcoms, dmoney. Out in the real world, men lose interest too. Men get overstressed at work (women too). People drink too much, or take the meds their doctor prescribes for stress, and bye bye libido. When you are 22 a few drinks might help in bed, but when you are 35, a few drinks and a bed means sleepy-time, not party time.
Hey Josh, from my viewpoint, you only got it half right. Have you seen the size of some women these days? They are getting bigger by the month. It's not just the guys who stop taking care of themselves...it cuts both ways. Proud to say that I'm 48, 5 feet 11 and 185 pounds thanks to 2 days per week at the gym, a respectable diet and 8 hours of sleep per night. Can't say the same for my buddies or their wives. Have no idea how they can be sexually attracted to each other anymore with 3 chins and 2 bellies.
it takes two to tango. if you think your spouse is looking unfit or no longer shaggable take a look in the mirror and see if you are perfect. If you, are perfect, encourage your spouse to join a gym and go with them.
Actually, the most recent research shows that men do lose the feelings of romantic attraction more rapidly than women, which is potentially a large cause for the disparity in who cheats more frequently (men, by the way).
Because he always reaches climax, has an orgasm, is fulfilled and relaxed and she probably hasn't. It is that simple. If we women always knew that sexual activity would bring us an orgasm and a feeling of satisfaction (instead of knowing that he has and we haven't) then MAYBE we would be more motivated.
And oral sex gets predictable after a decade!
Somehow, nature gave men all the great nerve endings in the right place, and ours you have to reach for....which the natural angle of the penis doen't. Men will have an orgasm, always, unless they have ED (which my husband doesn't).
There are more research popping up that women's sexual drive are higher in their 40s and 50s – so....
To maintain a good healthy prostrate it should be exercised every other day, one way or another.
Now if we could only get women to understand the importance of healthy prostrate exercise.
Or, we should at least hope that they know how to spell prostate.
I am female, and I concur. Married sixteen years, we usually find time to please each other once a day. Once in a while, two days go by. He lets me know what he needs, and it's okay that he needs sex, he's a man. Nature makes them that way. But don't get me wrong, I like it too. He says "need," I say "want." Luckily we are referring to the same thing, and it works out.
What – whats with the prostate?
CAN WE GET TOGETHER SOMETIME???????????????
You can give me a call
Geez – dont think @jen is a female, but maybe thats what your into.
Once a week? The person who wrote this must be over 70.
Yeah buddy, right. Obviously most gentlemen prefer it far more than once a week, but if you're one of the lucky few who has a lady-friend who also likes it that much, I hate to break it to you: that's not the norm. My woman often says she loves sex as much as I do, and during the sex she obviously LOVES it, but in reality we're lucky if we have sex once a MONTH (or a few days in a row during a month).
Hey Ron, good luck with your run for the Senate in Wisconsin!! A Republican having sex with "his" wife, I'll vote for ya!
I'm 35 and have been married 10 years. Since the beginning, my husband hasn't been interested in having sex more than once a month or so. His excuse last night was that he overate at dinner and felt too full. Two weeks ago he convinced me to give him a bj, swearing on our children's lives that he would have sex with me later that night (I usually won't do this because it means it'll be another month or so before he actually wants to have sex again). Of course he didn't even come to bed that night, and now it's been over 2 months since we had sex. For years it's been because he's stressed out, or overweight, or any number of reasons. If I he wanted to have sex once a week I would be ecstatic.
Over 70 – probably under 30!
Once a week, huh? Someone tell my wife. I have a 30-pack of condoms I bought a year ago that is in real danger of expiring. FML...
Make water balloons out of them til she gets the message 😛
lol...now thats funny...sorry to say that..but it was rather humorous and funny...lol
Nobody told you to go buy a 30 pack. A 12 pack would have sufficed.
get a girl friend
Now that is just way too funny!!!
Im sure ur not alone – yeah a 3 pack would have sufficed
People like you make me glad I'm a lesbian, jerk.
Katie... who are you talking about?
Katie,
There are guys out there (here) that respect women.
My wife and I recently split and we had mentioned more than once that our sex life was just the pits. We really loved cuddling and hugging, and spending time together, but neither one of us seemed interested in engaging in sex. And I truly feel that was a major factor in the split. As two well educated working professionals, it was easy to just feel that we could make it work no matter what the problem. If I could do it all over again I would look at some of the areas mentioned in this article.
Sorry to hear that. Are you seperated or divorced?
My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. We have sex maybe 5 times a year. We are young and in our early 30's and it just isn't there. He wants NO intamacy, just expects me to lay there let him climb on top do his thing and gets up when he's done. (BORING) and yes I have talked to him about this 1,000 times but it never changes. So there are a ton of other things I could be doing. Not only that he hugs and kisses me only we he wants sex. This article doesn't address the most important aspect and that is daily intamacy meaning you still need to date your partner and making them feel good will hopefuly mean that your sex life and relationship will me great.
Let me know if you want to get together. I'm all for multiple times a week. And I'm very giving.
Call me.
Maybe he no longer finds you attractive. You can love someone a lot but if you don't find them sexually appealing, then you just don't and there's nothing you can do about it.
WOW..INow that is a first..bsides talking to him,what else have you tried to get him to change up if anything..good grief..whats his problem..can't be stress..i mean he is a man..with a willing partner..5 tiems – A YEAR...Is he mental or what..its like u can count the ways..his birthday, your birhtday, christmas, thanksgiving, and new years..yep..that about counts for the quota for the year. geez oh man sweetie..i really feel bad for you. My gosh..Have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOG talk with this guy.. and after that if he doesn't get it, well he just won't get it. Then it maybe time to consider other options..Only you can make that call but man. You been together that long and only 5 times a year..ahhhh...I'm speechless for you..
Rut sorry to hear your situation...but if it is 5 times a year then there is something wrong...there are several ways to spice your love life but these work only if there is a longing for your partner...the new spices make sex more fun and more lasting it does not bring about a longing for someone. Listening to your story it seems like either he is getting sex outside or he really is not too interested in you anymore...whatever the reason I see no chemistry here...if I only 5 times sex with my girlfriend per year I would not have a girlfriend...in part you are letting him do this to you...you need to be strong and let him know that sex should be often if he wants to maintain the relationship...
Rut, If your boyfriend does not want you are you sure he is not getting whoopie elsewhere. But I have known a couple of guys that do not have a sex drive..... I don't get it..... I am almost 50 and my wife is 54 and we still have great intimacy. At least twice a week we try for 3. Not wham bam either, I never stop until she is satisfied and surrenders, if you get my drift. I would suggest you trade him in. It will become a big issue for you if you tie the knot.
I have tried everything to spice things up, he doesn't want to play he wants it easy. I never let myself go. I am 5'8 and 120lbs. Once we moved in togther 6 years ago the sex life went out the door. I have talk to him so many times I just don't know what to do. I am point blank asked him if he still finds me attractive and he says yes and I have asked him if he still wants to be in this relationship and he says yes. He is very passive in the bedroom and wants me to please him not the other way around. SO the ones who are having sex good for you, and if you have someone who makes you feel like you are on top of the world good for you. I hope with what I am writting makes you realize you don't have it that bad.
5 times a year wow one of you must be really ugly
@rut..hate to tell you but he's getting it somewhere else.
7 yrs?????35 times in 7 years??? is he rich? Move on stupid
Rut, I know I have it great. We have an awsome sex life. She tells me all the time she did not think people our age still had sex. We have been married 10 years = both married before. She was in a sexless and loveless marriage before. Trust me. There is someone out there who would appreciate you and rock your world. If you stay with him he needs to get some help to find out what is wrong. Not normal for a guy that age not to have a hard on 24/7.
@RUT,
Is your man gay? This is an honest question that you should ask him.
You've put up with this for seven years? Jeeez...you need a change. Dump this guy and get with something fresh.
Sounds like you need to decide if you're committed to making it work for the long term. If you're just staying together because it's easier than breaking up, then you need to suck it up and move on. If you're not married, and you don't have kids, then there's nothing holding you back from finding the person who does rock your world. You're not doing each other any favors by staying together when you're clearly not compatible. I was in a relationship for 8 years that I wasn't happy in, but I stayed because I thought I'd never find anything better and we had a good life. That ended, and now I'm with someone who does "rock my world" and I'm glad that I didn't waste any more time trying to feel something I was never going to feel.
Sweetie, I may have to agree with everyone else on here in their analysis..either he is getting it from somewhere else, is secretly on the "down low" or is just plain gone mental on you, something is not right..now if you have said you have tried everything, hmm, well sounds like you have to question him on this – alot!! Think like a cross examination in a courtroom. Be relentless until you arrive at some answer that makes sense. Sure it will make him feel uncomfortable, but you need answers to WHY..I'm surprised you have not called him on this a long time ago.. Be like a pitbull. Think or imagine Marissa Tomei in my cousin Vinnie stomping her feet at him..Be that way..BUT GET SOME ANSWERS..Whew.5 times a year..You have got to be kidding me..Prisoners get conjugal visits and get more than you do and they are locked up!! geez..I know I got it bad, but not like that..He truly needs to be like the miller light commercial and MAN UP!!! What a waste of a beautiful woman..5'8 120..GIRRRRRRRL....Don't be stuck on stupid..Kick em like a punter..Trust me. With those stats, you will not have ANY, ANNNY, ANNNNNNY did i fail to mention ANY problem whatsoever attracting someone who will GLADLY and I mean that with a capital G, GLADLY take this knuckleheads place and run home to you every SINGLE day with a smile on their face thanking the good Lord above for you!! Not only for the "goodies" but obviously you are a good loyal nice person that men woudl love to have and be with..After all you stuck with him this long..Thats says something about you as a person....AHHHH
Not married and I assume no kids....so why are you still with him? Have you heard of Match.com? On the assumption that you take good care of yourself, are healthy, self supporting and kind, there is no shortage of men that would be much better partners than the guy you are with today. Time to move on. Wish you the best.
Men suffer from hormone problems too, and not just at an advanced age. My husband was diagnosed with low testosterone in his 40s and we thought something was wrong with us, our relationship, before the diagnoses. He was depressed, lost interest in sex, low libido, tired, etc. We barely had relations for 6 years, only about twice! He even admitted that his lack of desire and depression he mistook for losing interest in me and our marriage. We were on the verge of separating when he was diagnosed. We are still working our way back. Be aware this is more common in men than most realize, almost all men with diabetes and blood pressure problems are at high risk, but any man can get it. Obviously this isnt everyones problem, but it is worth checking out.
People just love double standards don't they?
I wonder if I'll get the same advice, seeing as I'm a guy. I've been with my girl for 7 years. I had to wait the first two without sex while she got over "a bad experience" with someone else. No sex. Zero. And I didn't threaten to leave until the final three months of the second year. Before that, anytime the topic or situation came up, sex meant nothing but guilt for me and something I started to feel I was selfishly trying to talk her into.
Well I've never recovered. The idea of having sex with her is as great as it ever was, but it can go no farther than "in theory". Every resolution to have sex with her starts great, and ends with finding something else to do before having to go through with it. No spark, no arousal. Somewhere along the line sex with her, and only with her because the sight of other women still arouses me, has become associated with guilt, stress, failure, and coercion. Never pleasure once things get started. When we have gotten started, it quickly becomes crap because she gets goofy, tells bathroom jokes, or complains of discomfort within 10-20 minutes, any of which is more than enough to convince me that she's not into it and that I must be garbage as a lover. I don't even know how to approach her anymore because I feel stupid and scripted whenever I do.
To this day, she makes half hearted attempts to communicate sexual desire that I can always tell will die on the vine given 30 seconds of pause, so I am no closer to feeling like she wants it than I was when being sexless was "official". After having incomplete sex maybe 3-5 times a year for the past 4 years, we have now gone from October of 2009 to the present without even so much as touching each other's sexual areas while naked.
And yes, the rest of our relationship is great. Supportive, filled with laughter, etc. I've been there for her and supported her all the way through nursing school when her drunk and non-supportive family wasn't, endured only being in her house once because I'm the wrong race for her family, and opened the doors to my home for her when she couldn't bear her house either.
I wonder if you'd be telling her I "must be cheating or gay" too?
RUT, I feel your pain – though it's not quite so bad as 5 times a year for me (more like 12-15). But I'm married, been married for 5 years and with him for almost 10. Our sex life wasn't great from the beginning – even a year into it I was asking him for it way more often than he wanted it and we would argue about it – but now it is practically non-existent and it is always "i'm too tired", "i'm sore from work", etc. I still look the same as I did back then so that's not it either. Some men just have low libidos just like many women do... (he had testosterone checked which is normal). It sucks for me, and I do feel like a big part of our relationship is missing, especially since we're so young (late 20s – early 30s). But what can I do? I love him so much, I can't imagine leaving him just because he's not interested in sex.
OMG!!!! Sweetie this sounds just like my ex-husband Victor!!! He wouldn't allow me to initiate, no fondling, no french kissing and the list goes on and on. You can only put up with it for so long before you become angry and frustrated. I tried to talk to him about it but he just blew me off. It wasn't important to him. He blamed it on me, he said I didn't keep the house clean enough, I wanted it too much and whatever other excuse he wanted to pile on me. I tried everything I could to please him. He didn't want me wearing makeup , so I stopped. Then he didn't want me wearing cute outfits, he just wanted me to wear blue jeans and baggy tee shirts, did that. I tried to wear lingerie for him, he said he didn't like that. Nothing I did ever pleased him. After 5 years of marriage I finally gave up. I have been happily divorced for almost 8 years now, thank God!! I have never regretted ending that relationship. There are a lot better quality of men out there who are willing to put an effort into a relationship so that both partners can be satisfied. I would go find myself one if I were you sugar.
its not that simple – might be too used to you, but not in a bad way. i agree should try to spice things up.
Gabu from VA, you are clearly single. That suff only happens in the beginning stages of a relationship...Nobody in the real world has time for candlewas, fruits and wine 3 times a week! Get REAL. Marriage is a deeper relationship, and yes, that stuff is still important, but it just isn't realistic and isn't going to happen everytime. AnneSD, get married, and sadly, you will see just how hard it is too keep the romance alive. It takes work....only the strong dedicated marriages last.
Right on Linda I am single...but in a relationship...plan to get married next year...I hope I continue to have the same intensity in sex and the same level of appeal to my partner till death do us apart...
it's true, after a few years, you start to notice that you're doing it less frequently, and for us, it kind of goes in spurts now. (no pun intended). We have been together about 7 years and sometimes we can go weeks at a time without sex, and then we'll do it 3 times in a week...it just depends. We are very close, we hug and kiss a lot, and we hold hands every night in bed and talk before we go to sleep, so there's no lack of intimacy, it just ends in sex less frequently than it used to. But overall, I think we're pretty balanced and there doesn't seem to be any struggle over it. I think as long as both parties are happy and fulfilled, the frequency isn't the main concern. It's when there's an imbalance that it becomes a problem.
I dont know – would be nice to do that
BTW Katie lesbian, I don't blame you for likin' chicks and not guys. I don't like guys either and I am one. We suck. Fortunately for me and the other swingin' d*cks most chicks are fairly stupid and extremely attracted to us badboys.
Life is great. Oh, don't feel sorry for my wife either. She is an ex stripper turned college professor. She thinks chicks are stupid to. We have shared quite a few 'stupid chicks'. LOL.
I think the article was thoughtful and well written. I must agree that when my wife and I make an effort to increase or sex frequency during the week it affects everything else for the better.
One thing I felt wasn't mentioned was kids, having small children and waking up at all hours of the night to feed them while having demanding careers that keep us working after we put the kids to bed is also a factor. I feel like the modern workforce has pressures to work well beyond the work hours that our parents were used to. This affects all areas of our life as it sucks away family time.
What's interesting here is that you guys are disgusted by the world "pork" but yet if you replace it with "making love" or "being intimate" suddenly the world looks at it differently /rollseyes
I want some strange!!!! Together for 22 years and married for 15 of them....yeah, i want some strange
I love my wife to death, but really want to experience something new
Life is short Drazul. Have an affair. Sexual monogamy is a myth and not a prerequisite for a commited relationship. Open marriages also work, so long as communication is good.
Is that you Bill Clinton?
Ashley....come to me...
Apparently, you don't "love her to death". What an a$$ you are. Oh, did you ever think maybe she feels the same way you loser.
Strange – or different?
I'm currently going through a "dry spell"...is it okay if I pleasure myself?
No, you'll go straight to hell.
On the pleasuring yourself comment. If you are a guy you already do even if you are in a relationship. If you are a woman, go ahead and report back.
i do it all the time and have a great s*x life
WITCHCRAFT! SHES A WITCH!!!11
Doesn't that make you go blind?
You will go to hell – and go blind
Hey Katie, how YOU doin
BS. Women start drying up as soon as the ring hits the first knuckle.
Not true owarfhupwairepqughqpugh, my husband and I have been together and having sex for 5 years and married for 3, I think it's safe to say we have as much sex now (if not more) then when we first started dating, we've had sex Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday so far this week and it's safe to say that trend is going to continue tonight and tomorrow and the day after. And that is through 2 years of unemployment for my hubby, car accidents, 3 deaths in the past year, and multiple other stressors but we love eachother and we enjoy making fove (use your imaginations) and just being in eachother company. We laugh, we cry, we argue and we fove eachothers brains out nearly every day.
YOUR woman started drying up simply because she came to the realization that she just devoted the rest of her live to a fat idiot.
Great tip regarding the 20 second hug. Learned something new about the cuddle hormone. Now that you mentioned it, I remember hugs (for an extended time) always eliciting a very favorable response from my wife.
Like the hug – i will have to try it for 20 sec
Nice sentiment, but completely unrealistic...sexless marriages occur in the first place due to a lack of communication and trust. If you can simply have a conversation deciding how often to have sex, you're probably not in a sexless marriage in the first place. I suspect that the problem for most people is much more deep-seeded and difficult to address.
Jim, I am an avid runner and work out daily. My wife does as well. I pound my wife twice a week and our marriage is great. You're probably a fat slob and you blame your lifeless libido on outside factors. Get to the gym. Get outside and sweat for once. I guarantee your pea shooter will respond.
Pictures or it never happened... 😛
He POUNDS his wife!!! TOO funny
Man...you sound like a real romantic....wham, bam and thank you ma'am....jeezy creezy!
haha – pounds his wife
People are a bit uptight here. Just because you say "pork" instead of "make sweet love", doesn't change the point your making. And maybe his wife doesn't mind that language. Who are you people to judge? bitter, sexless, tightwads? HA!
I f'ing hate articles like this. SOME OF US HAVE NO CHOICE BUT *NOT* TO HAVE SEX. To hell with all of you.
That approch will not gat you any either
Shut up and put that ball gag back in your mouth
wow bitterandangry. You must really be angry and bitter. Why do you not get to have sex. I thought it was free.
Winter is coming I hope we get snowed in for a few days, that will help.
Have sex and be happy. Have more sex and be happier. Don't have sex and be miserable. This is all about choices people make and your outlook on life! Married to the same women for 36 years and she still turns me on!
You eat everyday, you breathe everyday, you drink water everyday...you should have sex everyday.
I'm gonna sound like a hippie but here it goes: Make love not war. After sex there isn't a soul in the world that I hate. Republican women do your job and give it up more often for your men so they don't have to go start wars around the world.
I could agree to those terms but please...PLEASE....dont spit out a kid every year...enough people already
Maybe some people but when your partner makes you feel like you are just a real live blow up doll and you are only there for his release, it will just never get better. Sex begins outside the bedroom and how you make each other feel then sex comes second. When you know when he gives you a hug that means "Hey I want sex" makes you just want to run away. Let face it most men are pussy lazy once they get into a relationship, and don't care about trying to get the women in the mood or bother to make their women feel like women.
Plus, quite often Republicans give birth to Democrats.
@rut. you've got to lose that loser! my husband if very attentive to my needs.
Agree that internet porn has a lot to do with sexless marriages. I love watching porn (so much free stuff out there). All those beautiful girls, virtual as they are, are still eye candy that you don't get to see at home.
Does whacking off daily count as "sexless?"
I am telling you guys. Marry a current or ex stripper. Most of them love chicks more than us guys do. Me and the wife have an on again off again 24 year old girlfriend. She doesn't need to know about the others. Of course the wife can partake of her girlfriends anytime she wants. I can only have them with her. Not a bad deal at all. I like being the only guy. IT ROCKS~!
We have been married 20 years this November. We are very happy and trusting of each other. Lucky me, she has only met one guy since we have been married that she is attracted too. I offered to let her have at him, he is pretty cool after all, my only guy friend, but she said no. She loves me so much, didn't want to take a chance at making me jealous. I figured it was only fair to offer seeing as how we have shared upwards of 20 or so young hot women over the course of our marriage.
Too late, d@mmit....
you are so full of it lol
This post has been brought to you by the late, great Bob Guccione and Penthouse Letters.
And then you found $5
I can't stand sex alone with my pig of a husband, he has no idea what he is doing in bed so we bring a floosie every once in a while so i can " hear the bells ring" . Useless
Schedule sex, it then becomes a priority. Wednesday and Saturday are HUMP days. She knows it, I know it. It works.
Can i have her on Monday and Friday? Oh Yeah!!!
butta bing Jim...that's why they call Wednesday hump day. I know it works, Wednesdyas, Sat and
Sun am as well.
Spud, you're my idol. lol
bitter and angry, you crack me up homes.
They are called prostitutes, try one some time.
I know plenty of men who use their services regularly.
Once a week?? That's crazy!! boring!! I believe that all depends on the connection have with your partner. I don't get tired of having sex with my boyfriend after three years of relationship, and it gets stronger with time. We do everything that we both enjoy and the results are amazing!!
My late husband and I had sex every day unless we were both absolutely exhausted. We had the same sex drive – very high! For us/me sex is as natural as breathing. I unexpectedly and heartbreakinlgy became a widow after 20 years of marriage at the age of 39 – and a grieving mother because I lost my 15 year old son at the same time. I was numb with shock and grief, but exactly one week and 1 day after my loss my libido kicked back in – hard! And it was my 17 year old daughter who recognized it! (Her comment: "Mom, my room is above yours and Daddy's , I heard everything!) I had previously told my husband that if I died before him, the first time he was with another woman – no matter how short the time frame – I in ghostly form would be at the bedside clappling. It's been 6 years now. I haven't remarried yet but I do have a sweetie and the ONLY reason we don't have sex everyday is because he works up in DC during the week, but on the weekends?! Oh yeah! I credit lust with helping me through an extremely hard time in my life. It made me feel alive. I'm still a grieving mother but I have not been and am not merely a mother, I am a woman. I believe many couples have sexual problems when the wife doesn't remember that she was a female sexual being before she became a mother. Couples have to take time for themselves because (for the most part) they were a couple before they became parents. Children benefit when the parents are happy.
I agree with you, if only I could put viagra in my wife's coffee (grins.....). For now, i'll just have to keep doing the romantic stuff and keeping the house clean to turn her on......but boy am i thinking of the viagra approach.
Women will never say this, but we just want a man to take charge and initiate! Also, don't always play it "safe" – being intimate in public and see where it goes – that's the best.
Sex is impossible with kids. Try getting even 3 minutes alone with a 3 year old around. Even if we lock the door, she'll sit there pounding on it. Talk about a mood killer.
Hey Jess, I feel your pain. The fact that I wake up with my wife when we feed the kids makes me understand. The solution: Get busy right after putting the kids to sleep, you got an hour window (the magic hour). After which you can quickly pass out for to wake up shortly after when the baby wakes up.
Jess, if all I read were the first two sentences I'd think you were a friggin pedo. In all seriousness, it is tough to find alone time with your spouse when kids are always around.
Put that kid to bed and tell her/him there will be no more ice cream, cookies, candy, Santa Claus, KIngs Dominion, or Easter Bunny EVER AGAIN, if she/he doesn't stop knocking on your door.. unless it's an emergency like the house is on fire or they are sick.
My husband and I have been married for 23 years...
Ryan & Spud, there are nuances to the words involved. For example, "I'd hit that" is totally objectifying and could indicate an abusive attitude. Violence is very real and word choices matter to those of us who've been assaulted.
And we enjoy each other at least 3 times a week....sometimes more....and we have amazing stresses in our life...but at the end of the day we know that we have each other.....
Every worry about waking up the kids when they get older? I'm pretty sure they will hear us across the hall. Suggestions?
Get a girl who is so loud that you wont hear the kids saying, "mommy, are you hurt?"
from a guys point of view YOUR A MORON just sayn
should he have said "bang?"