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April 12th, 2012
06:50 AM ET
'Vacation sex': Just what your love life needsIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex weekly on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
Of course you don’t need a study (although there has been one) to tell you that college students are inclined to seek out opportunities for casual sex during spring break. But data also suggests that even non-student holiday travelers are likely to feel more sexual during a vacation, and for similar reasons: a sense of freedom from at-home restrictions, a relaxation of inhibitions, a focus on having a good time and, no surprise, high alcohol consumption. “Taking time to check-out from your hectic life, and check-in to a hotel or resort is the perfect way to rejuvenate your relationship and reconnect with your partner,” says Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Igniteyourpleasure.com. “When on vacation turn off your digital devices, and tune in to your partners,” adds Logan Levkoff, sex educator and author of “How to Get Your Wife to Have Sex with You.” “While a vacation is no time to go on a physical diet, it could be just the time to go on a 'digital diet' and cut back on your intake of e-mails and texts," Levkoff says. "More than anything vacations should be about re-connecting with your partner and disconnecting from your daily life.” And guys, take note: researchers in the Netherlands found that “the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety.” One study scanned the brains of men and women during the process of sexual response using a technique called positron emission tomography (PET). The results showed that the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion were reduced during sexual activity. “What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm,” says Dr. Gert Holstege of the University of Groningen in the Netherlands. Where else better to deactivate and power down than on a relaxing vacation. And what better reason than the female orgasm, to plan one? But it’s not only the stress-free atmosphere of a vacation that can help set the mood - exposure to new and novel experiences can stimulate the release of dopamine in the brain, a neurotransmitter which plays a big role in sexual excitement. Use your vacation as a chance to try something new... out of the bedroom. As you and your partner plan your trip, sit down separately and draw up lists of all the places you find exciting. Perhaps you’d like to road trip through the southwest. Or go on a Mediterranean cruise. Or head up to Vermont for a music festival. Fill your lists with places and activities you’ve never experienced before. Then compare your lists and see where there’s overlap. “These experiences that are novel play a role in arousal and remind you and your partner of what it felt like when you first met,” says Levine. After planning a getaway that will make the both of you happy, make sure there’s lots of room in the schedule for intimacy. You may not want to work your way through the entire “Kama Sutra” but perhaps there’s just one new position you’ve been longing to try. Or you can use the privacy of your hotel suite to try out a new toy, don a new piece of lingerie, or experiment with role playing. Vacations provide safe spaces in which you can lower your inhibitions and try something new. And those new experiences — whether in or out of the bedroom — can increase arousal levels. Of course, not all vacations are a walk in the park, and some of them do come with extra baggage - the kind you can’t stow away in the overhead compartment. Kids, tight schedules and sometimes even other people who you may be vacationing with can make it difficult to let go completely. But between quick getaways, organized retreats, and kid-only activities, there’s always a way to overcome these obstacles. And even if you’re home this week, with no immediate vacation plans on the horizon, that doesn’t mean you need to give up on the benefits of vacation sex. With a few simple touches and a little bit of imagination, you can skip the travel and enjoy a sexy staycation right in your own bedroom. What are your thoughts? Is a vacation more likely to put you in the mood? Any tips for turning up the heat when on holiday? Share them below.
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What is it about getting away that makes a vacation so conducive to getting it on? With millions of Americans on spring break this month, a quick look at the vicissitudes of vacation sex seems in order.
It actually hadn't occurred to me that a vacation might be a great opportunity for sex – until I read this article. I like the science behind it, as the idea seems that much more credible. Good info – definitely gonna try this "sex during vacation" idea!!
smartaz,
You have 4 kids, you must be getting it in sometime or you wouldn't have 4 kids. I only have one kid and it is hard for me to get sex. What is the secret?
Mark,
Do you mean to say that you have never had sex while on vacation. Well, try on the beach, room, shower, hot tub, and the ocean just to get you started.
My wife and I almost always have sex when we sleep anywhere other than home.
U R really stupid.
Sarcasm folks. Like telling an adult joke to a bunch of 5 yr olds.
@That Dude – Lose the gut. Buy some flowers. etc,.
IT S GOOD TO HAVE VACATION SEX HELP YOU STAY WELL AND HEALTHY AND YOUNG BUT LET BE THINKFUL FOR VIAGRA.
With 4 kids in the house, I pretty much have to go on vacation to have sex.
I know what you mean, I have 3 kids and finding time when they are not around or not being tired by the time they go to bed is hard.
I call BS on this one. You already have 4 kids and statistically speaking you were a) pregnant 4 times and b) had to have sex several times before getting pregnant. With almost a basketball team worth of kids you must be on constant vacation
I have 4 kids. You have all the sex MAKING them and maybe while they are infants. After they are here, not so much. I mean that is 4 different people to knock on the door, bust in, or do something they shouldn't to ruin your moment. At least while they were really young we could hook up while they napped. Not now! Mine range in age from 6-16 and it is no simpler. My teenager is personally offended if we even kiss. Trying to do anything while she is in the house or awake is like a covert operation. Ironically, I think it reminds me of my adolescence and hiding from my parents?
I have four children and for us, the sex doesn't stop there. Vacation is very cool though because EVERYONE around you is baufin' too, seriously! When we go on vacation, we can't leave the windows open!
Whatever! We have 4 kids and get it on whenever we want to. Teach the kids to respect mommy and daddy time and put the marriage first. We flirt in front of our kids and they're used to it. It's all about priorities and not letting the kids run your lives.
Depends on the vacation, age of kids, amount of kids, and where you are staying. Staying in a one room hotel at the beach with two king size beds, my wife, and an 11 & 13 year old in the same room does not give you much time for sex, even in the bathroom where she will say" they will hear us!"
With 4 kids in the house, a vacation IS sex.
Sun, sand, and frozen marguerita's – what more does a couple need.
"Sexualtiy Counselor" means he never finished a degree or got a license. He has a whole series of informative articles: "Water, it's wet" "The Sun, it can be pretty hot" "2+2 = 4 and other math mysteries"
Yeah, so the guy's probably not very smart academically, but he is a NY times best selling author. Are you going to try take that away from him too?
Dave the bio at the end of the article say he has a PhD.
Try brushing your teeth better, or showering more often. Don't be discouraged. You'll find a girl one day!
HAHAHAHA! I agree 100% – I wish I could get paid to sit around and write BS articles like he publishes constantly!!
Hmmmm... This got the creative juices flowing. Now to find a way to turn the living room into the Caribbean.
First, you need a lot of buckets of sand.
I love my and my wife's anniversary vacation every year. It really is great to get away and not think about anything stressful and basically... catch up on what's going on in her life... how she's feeling and what she's thinking about. We love our kids, but they require alot of our attention and the "after bedtime pillow talk" isn't always enough time to connect. and the sex is great.
You wife never has any compliants when I come over about having enough time.
Wow! You need to be on vacation to catch up with you wife's life?
Yes...........
The hell with the sex...I need a vacation!
Vacation sex? I'd appreciate some "normal" sex, thank you very much.
I here you on that. It would be great with consistent sex.
wow 'that dude' I almost read "consentual" instead of consistent!!!
Just spent five days in Orlando, but we were so busy we barely had time to 'connect,' much less 'deactivate and power down.' Now I need a vacation to recover from that one.
My wife and I just took the kids to Orlando, too. We had tons of sex while there, even had some oral fun while going through a dark part of the People Mover in the Magic Kingdom. I highly recommend it for those of you going to Disney soon!
Doubt it.
While on vacation you could read my international best selling novels - king of Bat'ha - and the sequel - Tales from the East: Return of Ivanhoe.
To paraphrase Hermann Goering, “Whenever I hear the word vacation, I reach for my Browning!”
"How do I love thee, let me count the ways?" Didn't know Goering was a Browning fan. He was the "My Last Duchess" type, I guess.
Vacation is awesome relax sex. At home, even when we're both stressed out, we call it "do it for the relationship" sex. I pity the marriage that allows intimacy to dissolve. Pop a movie in and throw a bag of chips down the hall. The kids can be quiet for a halfhour...
this makes me sad.
I do not care if I ever have sex or take a vacation again.
What is wrong with you? Do you not have anyone to enjoy yourself with? Here people are talking about how to make life better and you are over there disappointed in yourself, because you don't want to do anything.
“Vacation Sex” is right up my alley!!! I have a 5 “S” vacation plan and that is:
S = Sun
S = Sand
S = Surf
S = Suds (beer, of course)
S = SEX
That simple… and not necessarily in that order either.
Dont forget: S = Suicide
I have 3 kids and i understand it is hard to have sex in the house because we don't want the kids to have these thoughts in their head. But when we go on vacation, we have to take them with us
Actually, I make it point that my kids see what a loving relationship looks like. They will see plenty of bad sex whether we like it or not. My job is to be a good example so they have a shot at making it through their teens.
I tend to look for house rentals when we go on vacation. Often you can find them for just as cheap as a hotel room for a week and you get seperate bedrooms, a kitchen, etc. Definitely worth looking into. At home, the kids go to bed by 8, and although our bedtime is often 9 on weeknights (4:30 am comes early), we fit what nooky we do have in that hour or so. You make the time if you have to.
@ exCONsrtv you want to SHOW them what it looks like, wow. so like "Hey kids watch this perfect d-style"
My life is so busy and stressful that when I go on vacation I have sex 24/7. Forget the rest of the stuff. A few meals, many drinks and all sex all the time. Yep, that's how I relax.
I hear you on that. Good for you.
You married couples are pathetic. If this was ever an ad for staying single, I don't know what is!
Oh, my friend,
If you want sex, stay single. I know a ton of other married people will try to dispel the notion that marriage cuts down on sex. However, there is a reason why the stereotypical married night ends with her headache. There is a bit of truth in every stereotype.
...and once one hears "no" for the last time, he will just stop asking.
lackanookie – AMEN!
I agree Mr. Human. Even I love who I'm with. If I had to do it all over again I probably wouldn't get married. I wouldn't have to be pressed for sex when I want it.
The world's best birth control is wedding cake. Never get married. Your wife will cut you off immediately.
It's odd, but even bringing up the fact that I'd like to spend romantic time with my wife causes her anxiety level to go up. So, when we went to Aruba on our first anniversary there was no s.e-x. After 7+ years, we're still together and it generally is a "unless I want to have an Or-ga-sm, we're not having it" mind-set by her. The anxiety has gotten better through discussions and some therapy (what she could handle, which wasn't much), but not much else has. Here's to moving forward and hoping for long-term change and bonding.
As a married woman, I say leave your wife, or at least cheat to show her she needs to step up her game. She sounds like a real nag who doesn't take into consideration your needs. Ditch her!
Vacation sex! That was the thing the first few years. Now my spouse won't travel without the dogs and would rather watch ESPN or surf the web on their iPhone when on vacation.
How can any man turn down or is okay without having sex. It was created for all of us.
An overnight stay at the Motel 6 did not put my girlfriend in the mood. It made her scared out of her wits!
Celebrating 25 years in Greece this fall and am already looking forward to the excitement in, and out, of the bedroom. We have 3 kids and when they'd comment on a loving smootch or two between us we just ask "would you rather see us arguing"? It's alot of work but totally worth it!
good 4 u!
I a have been married longer than that and no one really cares
Was that the best cover photo that they could find?
I doubt it's as simple as relaxation leads to insertion. The study they cite took readings "during" s e x u @ l response which says to me that the participant had already stepped into the proverbial ring.
In south texas its always a vacation...after my wife goes to work..i pick up my girlfiend and continue where i left off changeing the scenery a little.
This is for jenna texas. WOW!!!!!!!!!!! Speechless!
My wife wants sex all the time. I mean all the time. I have four kids also. They know that when the bedroom door is locked, dont knock, dont speak, dont do anything but go away. Unless they are bleeding...bad. Thats 16 years married. Feel sorry for those who have Ms. Frigid for a wife.
That is awesome. Wish more men had it like that. Wish women were more willing to have sex all the time.
You and the supermodels who can "eat anything they want and stay skinny" need to get together and go bowling.
Brag to us in another 10 years stud.
nitrous – add 9 years to Mike's and you've got 25 years and we're still doing it on the beach, in the car, wherever (yes as gross as a picture as that may present, LOL). Hmmmm.....maybe the issue isn't always HER.
There is something sad about having to go on vaction to get some....and from your own wife...that's just pathetic. It seems like way too much effort just to get som a$$ when there is a ton of it right here at home. Sounds like there are some pretty frigid women out there who have to start throwin' down.
If I go to a two-bit motel by myself and use my left hand instead of my right – is that considered cheating??
If you get married and plan on having children and think you are going to have the same amount of energy and sex you had when you were single you are crazy. Sexual attraction is obviously a reason why you end up with a life partner, but that is not the only reason. We have two small children yet we still find time for each other. However a vacation away also provides more alone time and a chance to be more unihibitated because we are able to focus on each other only and nothing else. The stereotype that women are frigid because they don't give it up is probably as true as the stereotype that men never help with housework or keeping after the kids. It's a two way street. When a couple contributes to a relationship equally then there is obviously more time to focus on each other.
I know there will be some men who will disagree, however you are busy having sex and women want romance. Call it what you may but you have to begin to accommodate this fact. I guarantee as you do, she will be a lot more willing to co-habitate. When was the l;ast time you complimented her on how she looks without expecting something in return. Corny as it sounds, when was the last time you bought her flowers... just because? Opened her car door lately? Kissed her on the nape of her neck? Looked deeply intoher eyes? You may think it's corny but, this has worked for me for the last 13yrs. Brownie points men, BROWNIE POINTS. Ask her where she would like to go for vacation. If you can't afford it, send the kids to the movies, make some Marguritas, get some island music and TAKE HER on VACATION (wink, wink) if you know what i mean! Aloha!!!!!! Bon Voyage!!!!!
NYbywayofTexas,
I actually do all of that stuff and it doesn't help me out. On a daily basis open the doors for her, pay for dinner, clean the house, I tell her that she looks good, I do look into her eyes, I tell her that I love her, I randomly buy her something, I surprise her with vacations, and give her things just because and it doesn't help me at all. What am I doing wrong? I should have brownie mix coming out my ears. Being a good man sucks sometimes.
With all due respect...this is the kind of post that makes me vomit! These are all things you should be doing anyway because you are a gentleman. Just as she should be kind, polite, agreeable and supportive because she is a lady. They should have nothing to do with sex one way or another. If a woman tells me her sex drive is based upon what is done for her then the whole thing becomes a quid pro quo...I have no interest in barganing for sex...either she wants it or she doesn't and if she doesn't want to have it, I have no interest...plain and simple. Trading favors for intimacy is no better than paying for it and that's just sad.
That Dude –
Ditto here. Over 20 years of marriage and tried every approach there is including NYbywayofTexas's list. We waited quite a while to have kids so that wasn't a valid excuse. I'm fit, attentive, thoughtful as well as normal guy type forgetful but I genuinely try. Essentially the only reason I've ever gotten is her own barriers...the scale...the dress size...the mirror. She greatly overestimates the value of those things and nothing I have ever done has any affect on her opinion muchless her libido.
Maybe 'jenna texas' above has the solution. Everything else has been tried at this point.
Hi folks Billy Mays here. I'm having sex right now with myself just reading these comments. Try it, you'll love it.
It's great .You don't have to listen to the woman nag and then hear her say you owe her something.
Billy Mays,
That really gets old after so long, especially by yourself. Men want the real thing.
If married women would just stay in shape, and continue to hold the figure of a fit, tight, 26 year old, their husbands would be having sex with them everynight. No need for a vacation. Come on ladies...is it that hard? Just put some effort into keeping yourselves together for your man.
Ha! That's a laugh-riot seeing as how you men all keep yourselves so nice and hot looking! Oh! And be as grumpy as ever because that really turns your wife on, too!
Goldberry...hey...i get it if your man is fat that you wouldn't want to have sex wtih him. And that's exactly what i'm talking about. Women are just too out of shape and overweight to keep their men turned on. Which is why men get grumpy. Which is why men let themselves go. etc. It's a vicious cycle. And it ALL could be avoided if women just stayed hot. Stayed sexy looking. Stayed in shape.
Here, let me fix that for you:
If married men would just stay in shape, and continue to hold the figure of a fit, tight, 26 year old, their wives would be having sex with them everynight. No need for a vacation. Come on gentlemen...is it that hard? Just put some effort into keeping yourselves together for your woman.
There we go, much more accurate.
Bob. Great thought. However, I'm in exactly that type of shape. I'm 37. 5'7', 145 lbs. Six pack abs. Good job. Great father to my daughter. I clean. I cook. I'm handsome. I'm a catch. Yet....barley any sex from my wife. So that rules out that men are the issue. My wife is in decent shape. But not 26 year old, tight hottie shape. If she was, I'd be wanting her instead of every other woman I see walking by. so again....this all points back to women, and their lack of drive to stay in shape for their men...being the real issue here.
Hey John B. Please don't try to help.
If her looks have changed but she's still willing, that's one thing. You didn't elaborate there but if that's the case you have nothing to b!+ ch about. If her self esteem is not irrovacably anchored to her physical dimensions then she's got it better than a great deal of women out there and you should get over yourself. The outer package counts, but it's only part of the equation.
Most of us here are talking about being cut off despite our advances. And our advances remain inspite of how far our wives have or have not veered from their high school physique.
Hell, for me the wife doesn't even have to be in shape. Just have sex as much as I want. If I'm going to be in it for the long haul, then I need sex for the long hall. All women know, that the best way to keep a man happy is Food, sex, and the occasional ego booster. Women it's not that hard.
I see a lot of posts from people who probably aren't having very much sex. I agree with Thej and raise him one lock on the bedroom door. When DH and I wanna get it on, we get it on, day or night. And we have 3 kids, ages 11-16.
My wife never does me on vacation. Oh yeah, at home either.
I want to stay wicht parner..
I want to stay parner man y woman..
My old lady gets excited at tractor pulls. It's a vacation for her because she's out of the kitchen.
They need a frontal of the pic above. I'd like to see the utters on that heifer.
For sure...Vegas is great for this, even as a couple. Great views of the strip, tons of drinking and having fun! Its very easy to get in the mood.
Somebody actually wrote a book called "How To Get Your Wife To Have Sex With You?!" Here's a theory, marry a girl who actually likes you and wants to sleep with you rather than just use your credit cards! Seriously people, how hard can it be?!
M.E,
Obviously your not married or you wouldn't say that. That can be very hard, because before they marry you, they like you and not because of the credit cards. But after marriage something changes in them. Women think they don't have to do the same things that got us interested in the first place. The thing is women shouldn't be doing something that they know they don't want to do being married
To jerrycc
When I was married, I wanted it all the time and got it all the time. Divorced and with a boyfriend is his 50's, I want it and I GET IT ALL THE TIME NIGHT AND DAY! And I got some for my birthday–DOUBLE WOW! (if you know what I mean). I honestly believe it depends on the individual's sex drive. If you partner up with someone who is adventurous and driven as you then it makes for great sex ALL THE TIME!
It isn't always the wife who is not willing to be intimate. I've been married for 18 years and my husband is never interested. I'm in great shape and treat my husband well. Vacations are no better than at home. I've given up on him ever changing. I understand why men look elsewhere because if most of you are dealing with the frustrationlevel I'm experiencing you are bad off for sure.
Frustrated,
What is his problem? If you look good and you want it, then he has a problem. The thing is I don't look elsewhere but because I'm not getting it like I should, I may be looking else where. Frustrated, I'm in good shape also, maybe that dude can keep you from being frustrated
It is very true & plain truth what a man & woman needs.Other demands follow & rise for social commitment for survival when desires take a dip & bodies worn out in real life situations to bring up kids & care of family bonds.It is a vicious cycle created by God to keep people busy & commited.
I just read another CNN headline, "Hookup culture debases women." So which is it? Throw caution to the winds and have a short tterm whoopie (hookup) or common decency?
I feel very sorry for people that need an excuse to have sex. Especially those that are married.
blam,
if you get married you will feel married peoples' pain
Thanks for the warning. Hope you get some soon!
Oh whatever. Not every women gets fat and stops having sex when they get married. You either got very unlucky or are exaggerating for sympathy. Maybe you're just not that good at it, if a women never gets to orgasm with her man they stop finding sex fun and just end up frustrated and unsatisfied. I can't imagine anyone not wanting sex unless they never have an orgasm during it.
we don't have to go on vacation to get heat in our loins. We take a saturday or sunday off from the chores and spend the day doing things we used to do when we were courting. Mostly exploring, window shopping, stopping along the way for a nice lunch in a locally-owned restaurant, with a few drinks here and there along the way AND flirt. Or on a sunday morning, take her to a different church, i.e., explore, have a nice brunch. in summary,spend "time" with her, flirt with her, tell her she is special, and ther first opportunity she gets, she is dragging me into the bedroom AND we are both smiling!!!
I have been married for 26 yrs and together for 31. When we were young I never said No to my husband, my husband was sometimes saying No to me. Bassically we had different needs, though we loved each other very much and got along pretty well. (And the sex was great, btw), sorry if this is TMI) As time went by, our "clocks" began to harmonize better. All my life I've been fascinated by stories about men who were denied sex. I could and would never "use" this to get leverage on anything in my marriage, though I heard it done by women all the time. Just goes to show you how many types of couples are in the world.
seems the new era or way of having any kind of private relationship is gone. If i were actually going to have fun intimately while vacationing every move that i made would be spontaneous not planned. i dont like planned romance. im like the pearl in the oyster shell wating to be found. thats much more romantic.
Yeah, vacation cuni lingus.
All these people complaining about not getting sex and blaming others for it, or saying it's just a matter of "staying in shape", are either trolls or liars. If you aren't getting sex in your marriage, see a marriage counselor. There's more going on than just not being interested, and if you really care about your marriage you'll do something about it. Otherwise, you're just another one of those people who whine about how their spouse acts to justify cheating. Grow up.
Well congratulations to you. Sounds like you have the perfect marriage, to where you don't have problems with sex. Everyone is about cheating. Most times cheating doesn't come into play until the person isn't getting what they need and want. And what is the marriage counselor going to do but take your money. If you have already spoken to your spouse about how you feel about everything far as the marriage and relationship and nothing has to change, then what are you suppose to do. Dr. B sounds to me that you maybe are a marriage counselor. Maybe you can work some things out for me. Obviously, everyone commenting have concerns and have tried but nothing has worked. What do you recommend since everything is going great with you?