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January 19th, 2012
07:15 AM ET
Sex after divorce: Does it get better?Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
What a turnaround! In 2010, at the same party, Tom* had been in the midst of splitting up with his wife of 12 years and I was offering him the names of marriage counselors. Now he was bankrupt and only saw his kids every other week, but he was exuberant about the change to his sex life. “I’d given up on sex and fooled myself into thinking that I wasn’t even a particularly sexual person,” he explained. “I didn’t want to be the sort of guy who cheated, so I resigned myself to lackluster sex every other week... if I was lucky. We were so young and inexperienced when we got married. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m approaching sex as a confident adult.” Does sex get better after divorce? Unfortunately, there haven’t been any formal studies that explore levels of post-divorce sexual satisfaction, but intrigued by Tom’s exuberance, I spoke with a handful of recently divorced friends, colleagues, and former patients. To my surprise, I found that many echo Tom’s enthusiasm. Dr. Andy Trees, author of "A Scientific Guide to Successful Dating," says Internet dating has really changed the game. “Divorced people find it much easier to get back in the saddle so to speak," Trees said. "I also think this is a classic case of the power of chemistry in the early months. Sex with someone new is always exciting in a way that sex with a familiar partner isn't (which isn't to say that long-term sexual intimacy doesn't have pluses as well).” “At first I was cautious," said Sandra*, 38. "Our culture treats divorced people like babies or wounded birds. Everyone says things like ‘Take it slow, be careful, you’re still getting over a painful situation.' And all this advice made me feel unsure of myself. But after my first post-divorce hookup - and first orgasm in years - I realized that this bird has wings and it’s time to soar!” Says Kristen Mark, a sex researcher at Indiana University, “When sexual desires aren’t being met for a long period of time, you can feel really trapped, like the real you isn’t able to shine.” Adds psychicatrist Gail Saltz, “Embedded in divorce sex is the knowledge that your partner has in essence rejected you, or at least let you go, and part of hot sex is the unconscious desire to show them what a mistake they made by not keeping you.” Sometimes life after divorce can reinforce a person’s libido type or help them discover what they like and don’t like, as is the case with David*, 39, twice married and divorced: “It took me two marriages to realize that I like a lot of sexual excitement and experimentation, but I’m also a romantic. I believe in marriage and monogamy, but if and when I get married again ... it’s going to be with a woman who enjoys the kinkier side of life.” The enjoyment of sex after divorce may also have something to do with a sense of deserving a bit of hard-earned sexual selfishness. Take Karen*, 38, who says, “I’d always heard that women experience their sexual prime later in life, but I never understood that. The more I was in my marriage and the older I got, the less sexual I felt. Then I got divorced and started having casual sex again. For the first time in a long time I was with men who were making an effort to pleasure me and discover what I liked, and I wasn’t shy or bashful about letting them know. I am having a sexual peak, but it’s not physical, it’s mental.” With all the fun to be had, is there a downside? And are there any best practices for sex after divorce? “Watch out for too much too soon,” says, Lance*, 42. “After my divorce, I was like a kid in a candy store. There were women everywhere. And a lot of them were willing to have sex. Suddenly, I was a womanizer.” He continues, a bit remorseful: “Be honest with the person you’re with. What are you looking for from the sex? I don’t want to get married again, or be in a serious relationship right now, and I need to be clearer about that up front before having sex with someone.” Remember, too, that just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you’re necessarily wiser. “Practice safe sex,” says Mara*, 58. “My best friend and I both got divorced at the same time and were there for each other. We’re both well past the age of having kids. But I always use protection, and she doesn’t. I try to tell her that STDs are still a real possibility.” Sex educator Amy Levine confirms that advice. “When ‘you don't know what you don't know’ a lack of sexual knowledge can put someone at risk for a range of STDs. For those that were married for quite a while, sex ed after divorce is imperative!" And be cautious if you have children. “Don’t bring your fun home if there are kids in the house,” says Trish*. “I want to get married again, and I want my daughter to have a loving stepfather someday. But I’m going to make sure he’s really the one before I bring anyone home.” There’s one thing everyone agrees on, in theory, if not always in practice: Avoid sex with your ex. Says Tom, who got this whole ball rolling, “I couldn’t believe it. Jackie* and I would be with our lawyers, fighting viciously about money or kids - and then we’d leave and go have hot crazy sex. It was really confusing. Why couldn’t it have been like that when we were married?” *Names have been changed |
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“If I hadn’t gotten divorced, I never would have had the top five sexual experiences of my life,” gushed Tom, a friend of a friend at a recent holiday party. 
i can say this if the hub is doing it w someone else ...just dont tell me about it i can really say i just wouldnt want to know...bcus once you know its the "official lets get a divorce"...and if you are comfortable which i am would you really want to loose that and have to start alllll over...i guess you can yes i am selfish but then who isnt to an extent
If you think he is he is....he is because you have shut him down and shut him out....men are easy to understand....he resents you. 'I don't want to start over"? Ya thats a passonate, loving motivation that is tranferred DIRECTLY to you spouse...you only get out what you put in.....s e x is NOT A JOB.
That's really sad, that this country is more worried about "having great sex" opposed to saving a marriage and preventing divorce, if you don't want to commit to another person forever, MONOGAMOUSLY...then please don't get married. This article disgusts me. How disappointing.
Explain why it is totally fine for a woman to say to her husband, "no I don't want too" any time and for as long as she wants but it is not OK for a man to find someone else......Oh thats right, having good s e x isn't important....saving the marriage is....hey guess what lady...there isn't any difference....we don't get married to have kids and then a roommate....women like you ARE THE PROBLEM.
As a male divorcee of three years and 45 y/o, this article is SPOT ON!! To reiterate comments within the article – "Be honest with the person you’re with. What are you looking for from the s3x? ... be clearer about that up front before having s3x with someone.” Also, get STD tested, practice safe, be responsible and have fun!!!
Well, there is some hope for me after all. 44 yrs old and divorced a year. Decent looking guy and in very good shape but I am not having much luck at all.
As the host of an internet talk show, "Love-Encore", a show I created after becoming a widow who was suddenly single after 24 years of marriage, I fully agree with everything you wrote in this blog post. If you want to see a great video in which we discuss "losing your virginity again", go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYat01braD0.
I think sometimes it's truth. I just saw the news that SeniorsSinlgeDating.com is the best and most effective senior dating site for senior singles over 50! Many of our members are well-educated, successful, and fresh in mind.
After being married twice, I am disappointed not with my ex wives but with myself as I cannot change to their liking. At first, it was sexual and it lead on over time to where we would have fun, go out at times, travel a bit, see each other smile and laugh to whre we would see ourselves together only to find later on that we do not see eye to eye. I do care and am happy that my ex's have found their better half in their life but with myself, I find it rough to be single.
I do enjoy having a date, going out for dinner, movie, making someone have a good laugh with a smile. Makes me feel that I am needed. If I could be a better person to them, I would rather have them be happy with someone else that can be a better husband for them.
"I cannot change to their liking" Hey pal don't beat yourself up....your wives ARE LIERS. They said "yes" and thus meaning they are OK with you....but noooo....after marriage your supposed to "change" Typical female disingenuiousness....its crap and happens all the time.
I was in a 7 year marriage with who I thought was my soul mate. The last two years she put me on a sex and compassion diet....the true definition of hell on earth. In the last year of this diet she requested a divorce and a year after I was informed she had cheated on me.
Unfortunately I am, stuck in the home which I bought for her due to the economic downturn. And this home is in the burbs, not exactly the place to be for a single 35 year old guy. However that said, I have had some of the most passionate and mind blowing sex of my life since the divorce. Furthermore I am more confidant in saying that "I am a sexual being who enjoys sex at least 3 times a week, and it has to be fun."
Knowing this, and with hopes that in a few years I may leave the home willed with bad memories I will find a wonderful loving, passionate and compassionate women with whom I will spend many loving evenings in each others arms.
If you find yourself single in your mid 30's do whatever it takes to give your partner the old home, rent a nice place in a city or a large town, and learn what makes you sexually happy.
I am sorry for the house. I paid off a car for her, it was a nice little college type car too. I am disappointed that I made sure everything that I did for her met her needs so she can be taken care of where we were. What bothers me the most is that my friend mentioned to me, did she ever talk to you about getting back at all even after the initial fight. Initial fights tend to cool away after you two separate for a bit. That upset me because I would of definitely taken her back and re-worked everything but not a single positive note other than something that is not affiliated with us. Sucks to think about someone that isn't truely there. I just did what was asked of me and if it was a test, it was the worst test to ever play on someone especially in a position to do what it takes to make someone happy.
we just didn't see eye to eye is all.
I learned after my divorce last year that I actually prefer masturbating opposed to intercourse. I am a much happier person now that I don't have to pretend to be interested in having sex with women. Plus at age 40 it would be very awkward for me to date again. I haven't been on one since 1997, lol.
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