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November 10th, 2011
07:12 AM ET
Conception sex: The best laid plansIan Kerner, a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, blogs about sex on Thursdays on The Chart. Read more from him on his website, GoodInBed.
In fact, unless you’re one of those couples that get pregnant right away, conception sex can become downright stressful. As a father of two boys, I understand that trying to conceive can start to seem pretty, well, trying. According to one British survey, the average couple has sex 104 times before getting pregnant: four times a week on average over the course of six months. No wonder sex can start to feel like work. Here’s why: But when you’re trying to conceive, you become beholden to a schedule - one that’s dictated largely by biology and ovulation. This sense of pressure can make sex seem less like a decision based on desire and more like a boring chore to be checked off your to-do list, says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., author of “Sex and the Baby Years.” You have to do it on demand. For many guys, the idea of a woman who wants a lot of sex all the time sounds great, right? And that’s how it seems when you start trying to conceive. After a while, though, this approach can get awfully old, and you can say goodbye to foreplay and any sort of emotional connection. You might even start to feel like a sex object, as if she wants you only for your sperm. The same British survey confirms that experience, with 11% of men saying that conception sex made them feel “completely used." And it’s no easier for women. The free pass for constant sex can initially be a boon to women with high sex drives. “Eventually, though, you may just start to view sex as a means to an end,” says Hutcherson. “One of my patients actually described yelling at her husband, ‘It doesn’t take that long! You don’t have to enjoy it! Just ejaculate!’” You’re both under stress. Unless you get pregnant early on, the whole process of conception sex can start to wear on you both. You might end up having less sex - and less-pleasurable sex - as time passes. And if you can’t conceive right away, visits to your doctor for invasive fertility testing and treatments can make conception sex extra stressful. One recent study published in Fertility & Sterility found that women who underwent treatment for infertility reported being less satisfied with their sex lives, had sex less often and felt less sexual desire than those with normal fertility. Other research suggests that coping with infertility and its treatments can have negative effects on a couple’s emotional well-being and can create relationship tension. Your bedroom routine gets routine. No one wants to constantly do the same thing, the same way, at the same time and in the same place. If your sex life is starting to feel like the movie "Groundhog Day," it’s time to mix things up, even as you continue to try to get pregnant. So what should you do? First, don’t limit sex to a woman’s fertile days. “Some people believe that they should ‘save’ the man’s ejaculate until ovulation. That’s a myth,” says Hutcherson. “In fact, storing up sperm can decrease its motility.” So enjoy sex whenever - and wherever - you want it. View conception sex as a time to build a solid foundation for your life as parents: Trust me, you’ll be facing even more challenges to your sex life then!
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If you have kids or are hoping to get pregnant, you know all too well that trying to conceive is one of the few times when sex isn’t just about pleasure for pleasure’s sake.
Wow. Babies start creating marriage problems even before they're conceived. I'm so glad I was born without a maternal instinct. I don't want kids ever and all these articles reinforce my decision. Life: more enjoyable.
But you do not understand the joy of actually have a child. It is just wonderful having a little munckin love you so much, give you hugs, give you eskimo kisses and smile everytime you walk into the room. But what these little munckins will never realize is that you love them more then your own life.
Agree with you 100%,and really hate when people say "what,you don't like kids?" Not really.
Also find it funny that people go so far out of their way to have kids,then they get them,and complain about being overweight from the pregnancy,the costs associated with raising a kid,the kid getting in trouble when older,etc. Thanks,but no thanks!
I am so glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way, because people make me feel like I am.... Don't get me wrong, I feel bad when people want children and have a hard time having them. I am also happy for my friends who wanted children and have them. Having children is just not for me. People always say, "You will change your mind when you're older!" I have felt this way since I was 18, now I'm 30 and feel the same way. I feel that I would be a horrible mother and just have no desire to have children. Why is this weird?
As a male with no drive to "prove myself", I married a wonderful girl of 18 when I was 24. Everyone I dated was made aware that I was marrying for a lifetime of committed partnership together, and not to be a scoutmaster or live in a day care center 24/7. I knew what each child cost, and had other priorities for that money. We were both only children, and happy.
In the mid-sixties, we got and successfully used "the pill". After a few years, I got a vasectomy. Today at seventy+, we can look back on a wonderful life utterly without regret as to our choices. There have been rough times, both of us getting cancer and both of us now cancer-free (she was pronounced terminal 14 years ago, but fought well).
Having children is NOT "what it's all about". Being a good friend and neighbor and trying to leave the world a little bit better for having passed through is also worthwhile.
I think it is very selfish not to have kids or not somehow contribute to raising the next generation (like adopting or teaching).
I am not really religious so I don't believe in the afterlife and BS like that so this life is all we have. If you don't have children you live and you die without leaving a trace, without a purpose, without sense. Children give you a chance to be a part of the next generation and next and hopefully one more before you die....
Even though that I am someone who hopes to have children one day, I think deciding to not have kids if you dont want them is actually very UNselfish. Having kids but not really wanting them would be a disservice as would most likely be bad parents. There are way too many people who have kids and shouldn't have had them becuase they are just bad parents.
I agree with you 100%. I love myself and my perfect body wayyyy too much to give that up for, well what really? Dirty, loud, annoying burden for life? No thanks! I have two kitties who are my babies that I adore and would do anything for, and I don't have to compromise having my vadge stretch to the size of a basketball lol. And I've talked to guys who say it's never really goes back to feeling the same. My husband and I will have lots of fun enjoying each other and our lives together without the burden of children that usually leads to many divorces.
what u might be experiencing right now may be good for you but trust me, at a point in time you will come to realize that, having babies is a natural phenomenon full of wonderful experience. Imagin a world where poeple stop delivering babies. How will it look like?
im with you 100%. these people that say "But you do not understand the joy of actually have a child." crack me up. Im enjoying my life and i don't think that having a kid is going to help me have more fun. Im going to keep what little time i have for me and my wife and not bring anymore children into a world where parents are not longer parents. It gets under my skin these people that want kids only to put them in daycare until they are old enough to take care of themselves. people if you are going to take on the responsibility of having children at least you could be a real parent and help them when they need it most don't put them in daycare and quit your job. don't rely on other people to take care of your problems and be an adult. and plz plz do not take your babies to the damn restaurant with you. i go there for enjoyment not to hear your child screaming while im eating.
Good for you! if we had more people who actually thought about the process of having children in realistic non 'idyllic' terms we'd have better more wanted kids, better parents and better families. I'm a parent of two great boys, both of who I don't regret in the slightest and love completely. But just because I love them doesn't make the whole process easy, simple, happy... it is NOT always loving and wonderful or perfect like a fairy tale.
You bet the love you get is wonderful, and the love you give too... all of it is really great, and it makes all the torments kids bring to your life worth it. But I say that only because I'm a grown up and I knew who I was and what it meant to me. I'm not really thrilled about the one size fits all perspective for having kids, AKA we 'should' all feel the same way, we 'should' love kids perfectly and unconditionally, we 'should' not regret that choice, etc... please. The only issue I have with folks is the constant stream of unrealistic expectations about having kids. I want to personally kick those folks, those who perpetuate it and those who buy it...
They're not easy!! sometimes they'll drive you out of your mind, they'll force you to sacrifice things that were important to you and even bring you to rage (that you can't do anything about, they're just kids!) you will lose a part of your life because your bringing up the next gen and its a big responsibility, one that should be taken seriously, realistically and with self awareness. because THEN you will have the rewards, and I tell you... for me, they were awesome.
You enjoy your life the way YOU want to justme, I'm behind ya!
Hey self, its actually selfish to have kids in a world of overpopulation. Especially when half the ppl who do cant really afford them. Your whole comment states why u want kids not why anyone else is selfish for not. They're not selfish.... you are egotistical.
All y'all who don't want kids, don't worry
The Duggars got ya covered.
I'm with you justme! Don't want kids, don't need kids, don't like kids. And parents, not everyone thinks your child is adorable.
Always knew I was going to be happiest with little ones around. When I finally took time off from work to marry, we wanted children right away. Agree that after only 3 months of marriage and not getting pregnant caused my husband a lot of stress because I began to worry. "It" happened when we decided to not try anymore. Our 2nd guy was a surprise and just 1 year younger than his brother.
Yep, babies are a lot of work, late nights, and less opportunity for the fun stuff, but worth it to many. My wife and I have a 15-month old daughter and she is just an amazing, happy, loving little girl, and a blessing. Life: more enjoyable
It's only stressful if the couple has set a schedule, so don't. Just go at it, enjoy it, and let whatever happens, happen – whether its six days, six months or six years. The stress comes from trying to control something that can't be controlled.
Indeed. I know a college professor who insisted she needs to get pregnant during spring break and give birth during Christmas break
.
That woman's hair in the article photo! EW.
LOL...that's probably why it ain't happenin'!!!
Oh.. just do it..
Before I got pregnant we did it all ways on the kitchen on top of the table, the fridge, the bathroom, under the crawl space, under the tree next door, in the trunk, the most difficult was hanging from a tree and eating a icecream cone while looking at a movie of tarzan..
So just relax and if it feels weird, do it anyway..
EW I am not coming to your house LOL
uh huh huh, Ian said laid.
The author still uses that photo that makes him look like a complete perv
hahaah i was just thinking that!
A Sufi is A Sufi is A SufiSufism, Islamic mysticism is the path of love. A Sufi dcneas his way to love. A Sufi sings his way to love. A Sufi lives his way as love. A Sufi is an invisible man. He does not really exist. He does not really have a particular motive or image. He has no specific point to make without making all points pointless. A Sufi moves as bliss, prays as love, and dcneas as God. Anal Haq ~ A Sufi is A Sufi is A Sufi ~ all is love in the world of the Sufi.Today I was curious of Nik Richie's soul so I looked him up in the esoteric Akashic records to see his past lives. I was actually very very impressed.Nik Richi or rather, Hooman Karamian, was the renowned Sufi, Mansur Al-Hallaj who was indicted and killed on charges of heresy. Mansoor Al-Hallaj was condemned to hang by the neck for shouting in ecstasy Anal-Haq, Anal-Haq (I am the Truth, I am the Truth). The orthodoxy understood this to mean that he was claiming to be God himself, whereas he had proclaimed in his sublime spiritual ecstasy, simply a total annihilation of himself. Mansoor Al-Hallaj climbed the gallows with his head held high, not the least daunted by his imminent death. Nor could his shouts be drowned in the tumult of abuses which were hurled at him; they rose loud and clear and high ~ Anal-Haq, Anal-Haq ~ until his soul departed to the fountainhead of his life on high.Happy Birthday Nik Rickie~ God Dieux
I saw that headline and broke out in giggles.
Anyboduy has a cigarette
"The best 'laid' plans..." Funny they should put it that way.
Having kids is not for everyone,and that's ok.I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old.
My husband and I are very happy we have them,but I have a sister who is an awesome
aunt,fun to be with for my kids and my husband and I.She and her husband chose not to have children
and that is fine with me..I see nothing wrong with it:)To each their own:)
Having kids is a LOT OF WORK, not for the lighthearted for sure! I have one, and one more on the way, and fortunately for us, it only took us a week of "working" on it to get the results! I have seen so many people trying and not getting pregnant, and I can imagine how hard it would be.
For those who decide they don't want kids, I think that the fact that you were able to make that decision makes you a great person. Nobody should have kids because others think you should! I never judge people differently because of that decision.
I am not one of you though! I can't wait to go home from work and see my little one who hugs me and kisses me and tells me he loves me most in the whole world! As someone put it: There is love, and then there is LOVE! I love my husband, can't imagine my life without him, but my kid....words can't really describe that love!
Couldn't agree with you more....the love that you feel for a child is something so unique and you would never know until you had a little one...hard work though!
You're living in the glory years... wait until they turn 12/13 and hate your guts and are embarrassed to be seen in public with you and just want you to give them money so they can hang with their friends. Wait until they tell you what a failure you are because they don't live the life of a Hilton or Kardashian.
Pretty easy really.
First time every time.
Even though that I am someone who hopes to have children one day, I think deciding to not have kids if you dont want them is actually very UNselfish. Having kids but not really wanting them would be a disservice as would most likely be bad parents. There are way too many people who have kids and shouldn’t
During both my pregnancy I got pregnant th first month. During the first time we tried starting 10 day from start of period and did it on alternate days,this was less stressful and more fun. the second time it was unplanned as I was in mood just 2 days a month much to my husband's displeasure anyway I got pregnant so I am just saying be relaxed and don't worry..it will happen when it has to. Get exercise,keep your cycle regular.
Tricky!
Wow, I am taken in by all the comments posted here. I am in my 40's and I married my sweetheart 20.5 years ago and we are still going strong. We have brought 7 children into our lives together and here is what I have learned. I was an only child growing up. I always wanted to be a father, but never imagined having more than two children. When #3 came into our lives, I was captivated by this little amazing person. It was a difficult time in our lives, my wife was trying to finish college(she did – very successfully I might add), and my career was just getting it foundation. I got to become my babies primary caregiver for several months, and it changed my life. I never could have imagined the personal growth and development that was about to come in my life. I grew as a person, and I owe it to my children and wife who without even trying made me realize my potential. I am not saying this will happen to everyone, but it happened to me. I am the man I am today because 7 times a little innocent life taught me more than any teacher or parent ever could. For those of you who do not have children or never want to, there is a part of life you will never know. Sure it has it's trials, and hard times, but if you do it right, the rewards and personal achievements you will come into will dwarf all your perceived negative aspects. Live well, laugh often, and love much as it is said!
If you don't haev kids, try to make sur eyou help your sibligns with theirs. We need useful young people to keep it going.
"Conceived: The best plans for getting laid" would be a better subject.
Have compassion for Humanity; Don't breed. Thanks kindly.
If you are a crack head or someone with no common sense to provide the basic safety, moral, physical, emotional and financial needs of a kid, please don't have kids for sure. I do understand that there are many people out there in every aspect, they are stable people but they don't feel the maternal at all or they think that a kid will take away the fun from their lives. I respect that and it is true that it is a complete life style change and you have to sacrifice a lot. However, at one point, I had two coworkers who said that they would never ever have kids since they didn't feel the maternal instincts and they just wouldn't give up their current life style. But somehow, both of them got pregnant and somehow decided not to have an abortion even though they were pretty depressed about it at first. Now, they both love their kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything else.. So, never say never....
Having children isn't for everyone which is totally fine, it's not like everyone on the planet would be a good parent. the issue i have is the way those of you who don't want kids talk about how much it would ruin your life and body and how women who choose that are nuts. you have no idea because you don't have kids. i'm much happier now then i have ever been in my life. i like staying in and watching movies much more then going out and getting trashed. i enjoy watching my daughter grow and learn, i think it's the most incredible experience. and the whole "losing your 'perfect' body" is a lame excuse. eat healthy and excersize, you're body will be fine. but if you don't want kids that's fine and i'm glad you enjoy the life you have but that doesn't mean those of us who are parents are worse off. we enjoy the lives we have just as much.
I'm glad I had kids in the sense We gave them a life to live.But never did I enjoy the parenting part that parents here gush about so much.
Actually it's those people that don't have children that are helping the next generations the most. If you want to contribute the most, don't procreate.
All I know is that my sperms all still potent. It takes only one time for me to get a woman pregnant.
Priceless wisdom of the ages.
I agree with you, but please look at yonex badminton rackets.
HAVING kids is not for everyone. I know firsthand what it takes to be a good parent and I don't think I'll be capable of being a good one.
I personally think that parenting classes should be mandatory since many parents let their kids run the show and act like wild animals without regard for others.
Just my humble opinion
If you want everything in your house ruined and never want new carpet or new furniture have some kids. If you want to be grounded with the burden of babysitting all of your waking hours then have kids. If you want your speakers blown out on your tv because the only way you can hear it over all the noise is to turn it up all othe way, then have some kids. If you want to come home from work and relax with a nice quiet meal, your favorite tv show and some one on one time with your wife, then DON"T have kids. If you want to travel and put money in the bank and enjoy some of the things that this wonderful world has to offer, then DON't have kids. BIG DECISION. I am constantly exhausted and most of the time in a foul mood. Be careful about what you wish for and if you think that yours will be different, YOU ARE WRONG.
The whole goal of sex biologically is to procreate. Duh.
AGAIN WE HAVE FOLKS TELLING OTHERS WHAT TO DO! NOT EVERYONE SHOULD PROCREATE-BELIEVE ME THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY 'HUMAN BEINGS' WHO SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED!
I RESPECT THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEMS AND SERIOUS COMITTMENT AND DECIDED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN!.
STOP WITH THE RELIGIOUS STUFF AND JUST LOOK AROUND YOU....THE DUGGARS ARE TRYING FOR #20 AND FAIL TO GET THE MESSAGE TO STOP, ALREADY....
I don't understand why this break through discovery is not on CNN......might make a difference in people's lives..
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Health/20111223/coenzyme-q10-fertility-111226/
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